A/N: All the chapters have the backbone of what I want but have to be edited a bit. Enjoy reading. Still projecting my own thoughts and struggles into fanfiction. Its getting better but slowly.

Mentions of self harm/injury talked about deeper/starvation


ch7

"Are you ready?"

I was pulled out of my brain fog and fake reading my book. My chest didn't hurt anymore but I was dizzy while sitting down too. It was worrying but it wasn't getting worse so I just ignored it.

"Yea..."

I stood, putting down my book. I almost fell back onto the bed, I wanted to relax. I was too dizzy for this.

This was the last day Yurio was spending with us. Then it would be full attention on me. So much effort was being put into Yuuri because he was going to another place to train for the same races I would be competing in.

Today I managed not to eat, I almost got forced to eat an apple that Yurio was forced to eat.

My nervousness was pooling in my stomach, I wanted to stay hollow. If only. I could run and just inject something into my veins. Walking then we are both in the dining room, Yuuri at his place already.

I sat down.

The dining room window to the small patio outside showed a gloomy day.

Another shaky breath in, then out, my eyes could not lift themselves from my empty plate.

"How has your training been Yurio...seeing any progress?" Viktor asked, scooping generous spoonfuls of food onto his plate.

"Fine." Yurio grabbed a bun, "That powerbar the other day...da. Was interesting. I don't eat right before otherwise I sweat too much and I hate that feeling. I think I have more kick in my running."

He took a large bite from his bun, ripping it in half.

"Good! Good!" Viktor laughed.

"Da." He nodded.

They both were calmly eating. I was freaking out, looking at the salad, the buns, the pasta. The cut up oranges and plums? What should I eat? My stomach was starting to scream; the food smell intoxicating, my dangerous eating habits making me fearful to touch anything.

Viktor put a hand on my shoulder.

He said in a quieter voice, "Yuuri…how about your training?"

"Fine." I looked away.

Practice actually hurt a lot, my muscles were in pain every second of the day because they weren't getting enough fuel.

Silence.

"Fine." I said a second time, pouring cold water, to put off eating. The ice cubes clinked in the near silence. The water actually hurt going down, I didn't want to tell them this. My legs were starting to shake, I was going to get called out.

"You are not over-training as well as overdoing...others?" He asked, imploring this topic.

"Nyet." I blushed furiously, "No. I mean."

But his previous words met the silence while giving me a pointed look at my plate. He thought I overate at lunch, just another piggie. I did take some sweets to my room around lunchtime which I didn't end up eating but throwing deep into a drawer. He didn't know the extent of all the shit but he knew about the pork bowls...last year that ruined everything.

A small portion of a bigger picture. My stomach did a flip. The hunger was now gnawing at my insides. It hurt. I leaned over the table, pressing at my torso with my wrists. I knew I had to go slow, stop when I was full, eat like a normal person. But I just wanted to grab it all. My gaze stayed in my lap.

My heart was beating at full speed and I lowered my head, tears at the edges of my eyes.

A loud breath hitched in then, "I need a breather."

I shot up from the table, palms wiping at the tears escaping my eyes. I ended up in my room...our room...my space for now.

My freak-out space. I knew that I should of gone to the book room but the dusty pages and the large shelves didn't seem to comfort this feeling since I was trying to read a book for the extend of today but only read five pages. The blankets felt soft to the touch and upon bringing them to my face, I noticed that Viktor had washed them this morning. He did so much for me when I just failed him so much. Eating too much off-season and now this disordered eating bullshit he was starting to catch up on. I flung myself on the bed, curling up into a ball.

I knew I should of just grabbed something and I knew I should of just shut off my anxiety.

But if I put off eating too long I binged, if I worried I binged, I felt like if I ate anything that made me happy or full, I binged. I could never win. The phrase: "I binge, therefore I am." seemed to be me these days. It described what I did and how I did it. I put my head down in between my knees amid the blankets. I closed my eyes and melted into a depressive mess. I cried softly into the blankets.

"Oi."

I jumped a little.

"Go away." I said, muffled.

"So...that thing." He said slowly.

My head raised, I sniffled and met his adverted gaze.

I sat still, eyeing him with suspicion, the tears slowed.

"Well like?" He started.

"How are your arms?" I spat

His mouth hung open for a second, then he clamped down with his fevered angst and a furrowed brow.

"How is your stomach?" He returned with equal resentment.

He crossed his arms, covering his wrists while doing so.

We both scowled at each other.

He flipped me off with a quick hand gesture.

I scoffed at this; stuck my nose up, glowering, tears gone and fury present.

"How is your blade?"

"How is your food?"

"Fine." I decided, "Fine. We can't be mean to each other."

I let a small smile quirk up on my lips and patted the spot next to me. Yurio nodded, then sat down next to me

After a long silence, "Have you eaten today?"

I breathed in, "I haven't."

He nodded at this comment.

"Don't make it worse. Yuuri just. Please. Just try to stick to something beneficial otherwise you are going to get an injury. Not eating is not so bad for short term but long term doing this your...uh...eating could get worse."

I nodded at this comment.

Yurio rubbed his wrists, the scars already looking irritated. They weren't bandaged I noted and he saw me looking. Yurio stopped; he glanced away. I looked away too, pressing my hands into my stomach as it loudly grumbled. We both laughed nervously at each other.

"I'm going to get back. Take care." He stood, pat my hand twice.

He closed the door.

Tears stung at the edge of my eyes.

I hated it. I hated myself for getting to this state.

So I feel asleep, dreaming about eating pork bowls and miso soup.

I woke up and I felt a shiver come on, from the depths of my chest to the tips of my toes. The cold seeped in from my bones, it felt like I would never be warm again.