a/n: heyo. been a hot minute since i have updated this fic. I have more chapters in this same universe. I am just updating bc I have the content.

I hope someone read this and felt less alone.

ofc TW.


Viktor was on his laptop, doing emails, making client schedules, basically doing work.

We both were sitting in silence, me with a book in hand. Usually silences like this were comfortable but today it felt unruly and like something needed to be said. I was only paying half attention to my reading because of the tension in the room. I didn't know what to do.

Or what to say.

And with a twist of the gut, as I knew it was coming, Viktor sighed and pulled off his glasses. This was it. This is why the silence was so tense.

I almost didn't want to know.

"Listen sweetheart." he said.

I turned to him, "Yeah?"

"Things have been going well for the business and your running has been really good recently." He took a pause, "It has been too good recently."

The world seemed to tilt on its edge.

"Too...good?" I echoed.

...What the?

"Yes. Too good." Viktor took a long breath in and said, "So we need to make you stop running. You need to stop running. Please, stop."

He put down his phone, and I felt my book drop in my lap. Stop running? The thought never occurred to me. Here I had been training non-stop with a couple of slip ups but it was good...I was doing good. What was wrong? What was going on now? My face scrunched up as the world blurred. My knees came to my chest as my book hit the ground with a solid 'twack'.

I said nothing.

"Honey I know there's something wrong." He sat closer to me.

Oh.

So he knew everything now?

He didn't know most of it though and I made sure to keep him all from it.

What did he know?

But he kept on going with his words.

I didn't want him to.

"Oh," He said, "I'm sorry but I promise I'll explain. I have good intentions I promise. I will tell you later. But first rest for a bit."

He wiped my wet face and I wanted to shove him away or scream or shout or run away to anywhere, somewhere not here.

But we sat together, him with his forehead pressed to mine and me, breaking all over again.

.

It was three in the morning and I was panting, sweating, and carrying many, many, bags.

The black coffee that started this all, fell from my hand and hit the gas-station pavement.

I cursed-letting it roll and spill in a mess, I fled faster.

I ran. Ran because I couldn't.

It had been ripped away from me.

With a couple words, I wasn't allowed to run for a week or maybe more.

Who knew.

I could feel my fingers clench the heavy bags tighter as I bolted to my car. The whole ordeal at the gas station was intoxicating and hurt so badly deep in my heart. All my cells were tingling with embarrassment. I opened up my trunk shoving all the bags in and slammed it shut so much in a hurry that one plastic handle was halfway out.

I didn't care! I needed to GO.

NOW.

I fished around in my pocket for my keys and my hands grasped them, and flung them accidentality under the car. I cursed again.

Fuck. Damn it. Shit.

This was not going well. It couldn't get any worse.

"Hey!"

FUCK. DAMN IT. SHIT.

There was a shout from behind me.

The worker from the cashier was waving, trying to get my attention. I fished quickly under my car for my keys and found them right away. I opened the car door a second later and was peeling out of the lot just beats after I started the car.

I breathed in ragged and tried to gauge where my feelings were.

Not good. I made the car go faster.

I chided myself of almost having a panic attack in a gas station parking lot and felt even more exhausted at that.

I leaned back in the seat…and pressed the gas harder, faster. My headlights were everywhere on the road.

I thought, trying to calm down, letting the night drive take me somewhere I didn't even know. My dizziness ten minutes in didn't stop me from keeping driving on, in the trunk of the car something worse than guns or something illegal. It was a full-blown sign of me relapsing back into binge eating and my eating...problems.

Thoughts came to me.

My head was fuzzy and I knew I walked out the door of the apartment and started the car at some point but I didn't know how many turns it took to get here. It was like my body was on instinct, wanting to go somewhere, away from Viktor.

An hour ago I was barely awake, only half and looking at the coffee, a safe food, at the gas station.

I was tired...and fatigued at the news.

But I was here...I was at the gas station.

I took in the stale air of the gas station's store room.

Invitingly, I licked my lips, looking at the greasy sandwiches...the powdery donuts. I reached out and touched the glass.

No! I couldn't. My hands recoiled from the glass pane.

Those miles...I couldn't burn it off anymore. I was forced to not.

I stiffened my bottom lip, walked away.

I was tired. I was tired of existing around my eating disorder. It took up my whole fucking life.

In the gas-station I got a coffee cup and pressed a button. The coffee poured so slowly that I felt its slurpy brownness mocking me. I looked at it...licking my lips for the sweet blackness and the taste of sugar. Sugar…? Usually I didn't put anything in it.

No!

Black. Have to.

No...but?

But sugar….in my coffee?

Fine. Fine. My hands were shaking, my heart beating fast for no reason. The coffee was done, I poured three sugars in. My hands were shaking slightly. Why did I get coffee if I wanted to sleep? No. What the hell….could I get something else? I have money.

Ok. I told myself.

A coffee...and ONE thing. I took a sip of my coffee.

It was too early for this...or late.

I didn't know anymore.

But what would I get? An apple...no. Not a good combo. What if I buy a donut...no that would send me into binge mode. The music overhead was soothing but upbeat. I breathed out and chose a beef stick...and looked at the package.

Absentmindedly I took another sip of my drink, reading on the front of the protein stick, "Wow, I can't believe its not beef!"

I turned over to the other side, 275 calories. Reasonable.

For a fat pig like me.

I clutched the packaging tighter.

I could.

But I couldn't do this.

It was early...no late and I needed sleep for training. But I already had coffee. Viktor had been keeping a tighter watch on me and I couldn't even slip out to go for a 2 minute walk alone since he knew...everything?

Something.

He knew. That I slept unsoundly sometimes. But he always knew.

That I was a piggie.

Welp. Might as well live up to my legend.

My eyes were scanning, knowing was I was going to do. Protein to not fuck up as bad. Sugar. Anything I couldn't have while I was being "good" Yuri.

Okay Okay.

430. Beef stick with cheese.

310.

200.

150...nice!

One sugary poptart..400.

They were all numbers. Some being worse than others. My eyes were starving, my stomach rumbling not at all. I didn't feel hungry. But hunger for filling the void that consumed me faster than I could run a 5k.

I went to the cash register where a teenager employee waited, a smile on his face at the barely the crack of dawn. No. Probably a young looking 18 year old. Minors couldn't work overnight. Nevermind.

This buzzing youngin' was short and had blonde hair with a large red streak in it.

I loaded my items on the counter. My energy levels were up...the binge in store and I was ready.

I was ready to exercise...and maybe….? Stick it there. My fingers, throat. I sipped on my coffee, shame in my wallet already and shame keeping my eyes glued to the floor.

Beep….beep.

Ignore me.

Pause.

Beep.

Pause...pause…beep.

Beep.

Many more items scanned. It felt like a bullet each time in both my sides and especially in my heart as each got scanned through.

All scanned…and done. I opened my wallet.

"Is that it Yuri?" He asked politely.

I blinked, being shocked out of my trance of...

"How did you-"

My mid-binge haul interrupted by...shit. All the panic alarms went off at once in my brain.

"You come here three times a week really late...er. Early?" He rubbed his neck, "Sorry. I've just noticed and well...you are a regular? I've worked the night shift ever since I was younger...ish to help...well yea. My mom. You sure like sweets. You must run it all off!"

"Well…." I couldn't grasp anything in this state, "I'm s-sorry er- I'm glad you- uh. Fuck. Sorry for saying fuck. FUCK."

The boy only gave a wider grin at this. I felt like a bad example as the older person in the situation but the mishap allowed for me to compose myself-even a little.

I breathed a sigh of anxiety, "Ah...sorry I dont' know your name but…do you run?"

"You can call me Minimi. And yes! I do. I follow everything you do." A wider smile.

Fuck.

I paused…

The small boy at the register was glowing, I felt bad for not being in a better mindset or mood. Even if Minimi was rude, there was no question that this boy knew more about me than I knew about me.

That sent me running even faster in the parking lot.