a/n: short chap but aftermath. i realized why this story hasn't been taking off, i dont read previous story chapters in this story to make this story cohearant, lmao. its just a story of floating back and fourth of lying, deceiving, and ed behaviors but getting nowhere. also theres the ma rating lol. at least i realized before the next story i post, lol.
anyway, i have more content so,,,,,
Now it was four am.
Here I was, three bags down with no intention of stopping soon. Parked in the back of a grocery store parking lot in a dark spot, workers were arriving in the lot around me to work. This effect made me feel lonelier, watching the workers pass by.
They were continuing on with their lives while I was destroying myself, eating my feelings.
Pastries, sandwiches, cookies, bread, crackers, chips, Kool-aid pouches sucked in a couple gulps, cups of fruit, beef jerky, and I didn't know what else. I just took the food and shoved the contents into my mouth.
The crumbs spilled down my shirt as I munched on the food, longer, harder, damning my own self.
Damning all the work I have done for weeks.
All for the grief I felt, I owned. It felt like it was me, it became me.
I wasn't supposed to be in my car eating so much shit. This wasn't a part of the plan. It wasn't. I was supposed to be at home sleeping with my lover. I was suppose to be resting from all the running. I just wanted to scream the lack of plan now so I might as well eat all this shit. Might as well kick myself while I am down.
I wasn't doing anything I liked anyway.
But here I was after meeting a well-intentioned meaning fan. His name was Miniami. And I felt bad, for him. For me.
I had to run away from him.
All the purchases I made, and he saw, Miniami didn't know how sinister I was, how very messed up I was. I slapped the wheel as if that could reverse time.
I shoved all the bags off my lap, chewing a Poptart slowly, crumbs piled up in my lap reminding me of what I had done.
I started crying.
.
It was six am and I was finally making my way inside with a full stomach and an empty head. After doing a couple of laps around the grocery store parking lot and sat in my car with the windows down, I calmed myself down. All of the bags and wrappers were in the backseat.
When I had left to get a black coffee in the middle of the night I came back with the opposite.
But here I now was in all my shame and dismay going back to Viktor as if nothing had happened.
The lights turned on and I threw my hands up in front of my face because I had spent the last five hours in near darkness.
"Where the hell have you been?" Viktor asked, arms crossed over his chest.
I just stood there, I wanted to be shamefaced, but I stopped caring the moment he told me to stop running...because he knew...knew about what? He had not told me yet. And it bothered something deep inside of me, something that should not be broken. So, I stood there and stared back at my fiancée, my lover, and my best friend.
"Out." I just said in a dismissive tone.
I started walking away.
"Tell me, I have been up sinc-"
"Viktor I want to go to bed." I said, I was just tired.
"Well maybe someone shouldn't have left bed in the first place to do whatever you were doing!" He shouted.
"Yeah, ok" I just replied, not wanting to start anything. I wanted to defuse this, him.
"What were you doing?"
"Do you really want to know?" I stiffened.
"Tell me" He followed me to the next room.
"Well, ok. I went out for food..." I don't elaborate, letting the silence finish the answers.
He takes a step back, disbelief in his eyes.
Then it's like something clicks in his head. He shrinks in on himself.
.
I just stare at him, trying not to laugh, my eyes crinkling just a bit. But that would be cruel to laugh at this. Why am I acting this way? Just living out my life like a crash and burning helicopter, can't do anything as a passenger but scream?
I wanted to push my reset button; I didn't feel like myself. This wasn't me. I actually told him, and this is how he reacts.
This was actually so serious, and it was getting out of hand fast.
No. No way. I wouldn't-
Viktor knew how much he meant to me. But he would be upset if he really knew what I was doing. I was cheating on myself actually, cheating myself out of the life in a smaller body or even quicker times and a better life by using food as a comfort.
"No." I sighed, slumping down into the kitchen chair.
"Why are you acting so weird?" He sat across from me, leaning towards me.
"I just." I started, then stopped.
"Is it because I told you to stop?"
I lifted my head and looked into his eyes.
"What do you think."
We lock gazes and he looks so tired.
"I'm sorry." He says.
"Me too." I reply, getting up to go to the bedroom to sleep.
