a/n: heyy I still have notes from this jumbled non-plot of a fic. just some lost scenes I have typed out and don't know what to do with.

Obviously, TW for everything and lots of depression stuff.


I had a horrible coping mechanism but that wasn't going to bother me today. I made the choice of getting out of bed, patting Viktor lightly on the head before leaving. Took a few moments to appreciate his delicate sleeping face.

Sleep.

All he needed was sleep.

It soothed me that he was getting the well-deserved rest he needed.

My muscles protested as I leveraged out of bed, but I did it, closing the door to our apartment bedroom with a soft click. Instead of going back to sleep like usual I took charge. I didn't binge. I didn't exercise early in the morning or fake make breakfast.

I made breakfast for real.

Sometimes I could get away with not eating breakfast by waking up too late or too early. Both were extremes that I used for an excuse. Breakfast was skipped by normal people, so I said I wasn't hungry. I acted normal.

We both knew that wasn't true.

This morning, I cut up strawberries and made Sunnyside eggs, adding grapes to both the plates and a slice of buttered toast for me and a small bowl of oatmeal on the side for Viktor. Why not? He deserved breakfast too and it was his favorite meal of the day.

Viktor came into the kitchen with a shallow expression on his face.

"Yuri?"

"Da?" I turned around, looking at him.

I just realized what I said and blushed furiously, " I meant yes. But, what?"

He smirked then frowned.

Viktor went through an odd set of facial expressions; I didn't know what it meant.

"….What?" I tightened my shoulders.

"No. No." Viktor came up behind me to hug me from behind.

"Its good… This is good." He nodded into my shoulder.

I felt him take a deep breath in. I wasn't sure of what to make of it.

"Uh."

"It's good to see you happy."

I turned around, facing him, leaning against the counter. He looked so pale but there was joy in his eyes from...whatever I did. Whatever it was, it made him happy and that made me happy.

I brought his hands to my lips and kissed both hands once, his head tilted to the side to this.

All of this was fake though.

That always happened when I knew I was going to take the steps to spiraling. Down to the place where nothing made sense, my binges were worse, and food consumption not linear at all. First a step in the opposite direction. It was a fake step. It was all a sham. I knew it was. But I acted like it was ok.

I was going to take this moment to be happy with Viktor this morning, I could at least do that.

"I made us breakfast."

"I saw that. Thank you."

"You're welcome. Let's eat my love."

"Alright darling."

So, we ate at the sunlit table.

.

I was spiraling.

Falling fast and hard. I knew it.

I just knew it was going to happen.

The urges came to me, stronger than ever.

The hunger was gnawing at my insides. I took another sip of my hot tea to quell the pains. I planned some fruit and a sandwich today so he wouldn't get worried. And anything else he suggested.

It was two months after that sunlit breakfast, happiness alit in my chest, Viktor didn't look weary for once.

It's sad that I'm deceiving him and he is easily fooled by a "large" salad. High volume low calorie with all the fixings. I don't want to lie to him, but it is so easy. I need to be perfect. I want to be perfect. I knew I was spiraling; it was bad this time.

The relapse had everything.

And...

I am a person that is impulsive.

Impulsiveness can be a bad or good trait in people. People are seen as fun, eccentric, and one of a kind if they have the "good" kind of impulsivity. That is the fun they bring to the table; their spontaneity was infectious; it was an adventure always waiting. It was a sudden walk in the middle of summer to find a litter of puppies. It was driving five hours away to see a beachside that they found on the internet.

The possibilities were endless with these people.

I had the bad kind of impulsiveness.

I ate the entire bag of chips although I didn't want the salty, simple, scrumptious. Sinister. I didn't want it, but I always ended up finishing it. I always bought bags thinking, I am going to eat the whole bag.

And I always did

With the bad impulsivity, I ran an extra mile even though I wanted the run to be over, too tired to fight myself. I shoved the fruit flavored gum in my mouth although I hated the flavor. Mint was the best.

I knew I had the bad kind of impulse. The pain of hunger reminded me of that.

Footsteps far away.

I turned, eyes resting on Viktor in the doorway.

"Want to go to a buffet for breakfast?"

I didn't want to.

Everything screamed in me not to.

"Sure." I smiled.