A/N: WARNING: this chapter is smut. It's pretty light compared to a lot of smut, and it honestly mostly focuses on Kyo's mindset. You can skip this chapter and wait for the next, if you want to.
I hope I managed to pull this off. It's definitely out of my comfort zone a bit.
Kyo honestly has no idea how this happened.
Logically, the conversation they'd started out having shouldn't have led to this—to them lying on Tohru's couch with both their shirts off and his hand on her chest as she kisses up and down his neck.
They'd both been feeling emotional just minutes before. It shouldn't have ended up like this.
But then…
"Because he wasn't you. So it wasn't right."
He'd have to be made of stone to not react to that—the beautiful woman he loves lying beneath him and alluding to the fact that she wants him.
Despite being a virgin, Kyo knows what sexual desire is, of course (he's become well-acquainted with his right hand over the last few years). He knows that he's feeling it, and he knows that Tohru feels it, too. Well, he's pretty sure...like 99% sure, from how hard she's breathing and how fast her heartbeat is under his palm.
Above all else, he knows he just wants her. It's crazy, really, how badly he wants her.
"Wait," she whispers, pulling back. He sits up a bit too, so he can meet her eyes. The look on her face is...odd, for lack of a better word—pupils blown wide, lips red and swollen, cheeks ruddy, as would be expected; but also, her jaw is clenched and her brow furrowed. It immediately slows his mind back down a bit. He moves his hand away from her chest and rests it on the couch.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
"W-well, nothing, just...do you want to stop?"
It's a question he should probably think about for a second; it's kind of a big deal, he supposes. But he feels like he's almost completely lost his ability for rational thought, at this point. He's hot and dizzy, on the verge of delirious. He doesn't know how to make the sensation stop, and he's not quite sure he wants it to, anyway.
"No," he says immediately. "Do you?"
"No," she agrees.
"Then are we okay?"
"More than okay. Should we…?"
"Huh? Should we what?"
She bites her lip, then takes his face in her hands. Her cold fingers are a direct contrast to how scorching-hot every inch of his body feels, and they burn his cheeks. He leans into her touch.
"Should we go to the bedroom?"
All of his cards are already on the table. They have been since he first kissed her a bit ago, and he knows that. He's completely certain she knows what he wants. But still, a weird sense of pride makes it so he doesn't want to sound too eager. He takes a second to try and come up with an aloof response. Then, despite himself, he just blurts, "Yes, please."
She giggles and presses a kiss to the tip of his nose. It's an act so pure and sweet during such a passionate moment that it makes him grin like an idiot. He shakes his head to clear it, then stands and scoops her up. She wraps her arms around his neck and uses her newfound height advantage to nibble on his earlobe. He just about drops her in surprise.
"Do...do you want your shirt?" he asks, then realizes it's just about the stupidest thing he could have said in a moment like this. They'd just agreed that they don't want to stop, so why the hell would she need to bring her shirt with her?
He has no idea what he's doing and saying. He doesn't feel connected to his body anymore. Things like this are supposed to come naturally, he's heard—so why does he feel like a disaster?
She leans back a little and looks at him, raising an eyebrow. "Am I going to need it for the rest of the night?" she asks.
He can tell by her tone that it's a serious question. Despite how eager he'd seemed a minute ago, his most recent comment has led to her deciding to give him an out, if he wants it. If he presents any hesitation, she'll tell him that they can stop here and just go cuddle, and knowing her, she'd honestly be perfectly fine with that. But he'd be insane to want to stop here, no matter how out of his realm he feels, wouldn't he?
It's not just his inexperience that's making him feel this way, though, is it? Sure, she has other experiences to compare this to, and he's probably going to be the worst by far; he's pretty certain that neither of the other guys she's been with were virgins, and that has to mean something. But it's not just about feeling inadequate. It's also about her. He's never going to let her go without a fight, is never planning on losing her again. But if something happens and he does, she's tied to him forever—there's always going to be a piece of him in her life; you can't just take back something like this. He doesn't care about a woman's body count, but their culture still sort of does. Does he have a right to add to any criticism she might face?
But he loves her so very much, and he can see in her eyes that she loves him too. She proves it to him every single day. That's enough.
He takes a deep breath to steady his nerves, then moves one hand to the waistband of her skirt. He tugs lightly. "No. I don't think you're going to need any of this, actually."
"I'm glad."
Kyo has no idea how she can sound so cool and collected saying stuff like that, and he's going to go insane if they keep doing this—standing half-naked in her living room—so he rushes toward the bedroom. When he sets her down on the bed, he notices his hands are shaking. Lying her down on the bed like this, kissing her deeply as he does, has a heavy implication to it. To calm himself down, he reminds himself of what he knows over and over: he loves Tohru more than anything in the world, knows they're going to be together forever, knows she'll take care of him and help him figure out what to do here. But at the same time, it's also just new and scary. What if he hurts her? What if he's just overall so completely shitty at this that she never wants him to touch her again?
She leans up and kisses him, not heated like before, but slow and sweet. "Get out of your head," she tells them once they've broken apart.
"Okay," he whispers back.
He nuzzles his nose against her shoulder, taking a second to compose himself with his face out of her view. A few deep breaths later, he reaches around to her back and feels for the clasp of her bra. He finds it easily enough, but actually opening it is a whole different story.
"Dammit," he mumbles. "How do you even manage to do this?"
She giggles. "Because I have to do it every day. Do you want help?"
"No," he says stubbornly, because he knows he's just that kind of person.
Tohru snorts out another laugh. "I'm so sorry for asking," she teases.
He gets it undone a second later, slips the straps off over her shoulders, and tosses the garment off to the side.
"Oh, shut up," he breathes, then he immediately clamps his mouth shut tight. He never wants to say anything like that to her, never wants to make her feel like she can't voice what she's thinking, that she can't joke around with him...but with all the tension he's feeling, it just sort of came out.
Somehow, he gets lucky and it seems to end up being a turn-on for her—she looks up at him with eyes half-lidded and murmurs, "Make me."
He groans and gives his head a little shake. "You're driving me crazy."
"Good."
He leans back down and leaves an open-mouthed kiss on the spot just below her ear, then trails his tongue down the side of her neck. She sighs and brings her hands up to his head, tugging at his hair in appreciation, so he keeps going until he's made it down to the top of her breasts.
"You're so beautiful," he murmurs, lips still against her skin.
She squeaks a little in embarrassment, and he actually feels the flush that starts to creep up from her chest, up to her neck and cheeks. He chuckles. "I mean it."
Whereas he's all sharp and jagged edges, Tohru's soft curves. It represents their personalities, too, really. But he's never been more aware of the physicality of it than he is now, with her pinned down underneath him and his lips and tongue against her breast. He feels freer to run his hands all over her right now, and she's so warm; then again, she always is, both body and soul.
That's too much thinking for right now, though.
He takes her nipple between his lips, She tilts her head further back against the pillow and sighs again, so he figures he must be on the right track with what he's doing.
His kisses move lower and lower, down across her ribs and stomach to the top of her skirt. He hears her shift on the bed as he moves further down between her legs to get into a better position, and when he looks up at her, she's sitting up and staring back with glazed-over eyes.
He pulls her skirt down, kisses along her bare thighs. Her breath audibly hitches. He gets her underwear off, too, and he thinks he knows what she's expecting, but he's not quite that bold. He takes a second to look-without-seeming-like-he-actually-is, then scoots back up to be face to face with her again.
This is where things get more serious, right? This is where he absolutely can't hurt her, absolutely can't fuck it up, because there's no coming back from a failure at this stage.
He gulps. "Can I…?"
"Mm-hmm."
Gently, he moves a hand between her legs and traces a finger up her center. His touch is apparently a little too light, because she jumps, and he pulls his hand away quickly, afraid to screw it up even more than he apparently already is.
"It's okay. It just tickled a bit," she says, so he moves back to her. She lets out a small whine as he brushes against her clit.
She's really wet.
"Holy shit," he breathes, then buries his face against the side of her neck. Obviously he knows what it means, but...did he really do that to her? How? He's being a clumsy idiot.
"W-what is it?" She sounds a little embarrassed, and that's not what he meant to have happen at all, so he wants to reassure her. But he can't get any other words to come out. "Kyo? Are you okay?"
Talk, moron. Before you ruin everything.
"Yeah. I just…" he pauses and dips a finger between her legs again. Her grip on his shoulders tightens, and she takes a deep breath. "You're just so amazing."
"Not really…" she mumbles.
She is, and he'd normally be adamant about arguing his point, but for now he changes the subject. "You don't have to hold back for me."
It feels like that's what she's doing—she's clearly trying to keep her breathing extremely steady, her body still, and her voice level. He knows she's doing it to avoid overwhelming him, but she deserves to get more out of this experience than that, no matter how anxious he is.
"Wha—? I…" she pauses and sighs, seeming to realize she can't even try to deny it; it won't get past him, if she does. "I don't want to scare you off."
There it is. Is this how she lives every day? Walking on eggshells because she's afraid to spook him? It makes him a little sad to wonder about, but it also motivates him. The stubborn side of him revs up—he will learn how to be good at this for her. He snuggles a little closer.
"You're not gonna scare me off. I'm asking you to relax. I want to know what I can do to make you feel good. I know I'm not any good at this yet, but you can teach me."
She nods a little. "Okay, well...you should touch me there again."
"Here?" he asks, moving his thumb back to where it had caused her to whimper before.
She lets a moan slip from between her lips, and Kyo swears it must be the most beautiful sound he's ever heard.
"There," she confirms.
"Okay," he says softly, takes a deep breath, then starts moving his thumb in slow, careful circles.
"Oh my god..."
When she speaks this time, he looks up at her face. Her eyes are screwed shut and she's biting down on her lip. He hopes it's a good expression and not a pained one, and judging by the sounds she's making now and then, it is.
"Is that okay?" he asks.
Tohru nods, moving one hand to the back of his neck and gently guiding his face closer to hers. She kisses him, and the movement of his thumb falters for a second because that's two things to focus on, and Kyo's brain is already short-circuiting as it is. But he gets the hang of it, and once he's coordinated again, Tohru moans against his lips. "It feels so good, Kyo."
Fuck.
She hasn't even touched him and he feels like he's on the verge of coming. To let out some of his pent up energy, he moves his lips back to her neck and sucks at the skin there. She cries out. He has no idea how he could possibly be making her feel that good when he still has no idea what the fuck he's doing, but he's also not going to question the praise.
"Can I put a finger in you?" His voice is so tight and full of lust now that he almost doesn't recognize it as his own. She does strange things to him, this girl.
She nods and pants out, "Don't ask, just do whatever you want."
So he shifts positions until he can have both hands between her legs. He slides one finger into her, then another, and then realizes for the thousandth time tonight that he's an inexperienced moron. No matter how determined he may be as he goes into this, watching porn as a horny teenage boy doesn't make up for a lack of personal experience. He doesn't want to slam his fingers into her like the guys in porn do to their partners, anyway; that doesn't seem like it could possibly feel good for her.
So he's stuck. Sex is intuitive, his ass.
After sitting still for a second, he gets lucky and Tohru steps in to help.
"Try curling your fingers." She picks her head up to glance down at his hands, but very quickly closes her eyes and lies back down..
"Uh…" he mumbles, following her instructions. She whines, and he feels her body relax again.
"Keep doing that, please."
So he works on the task he's been given—circles on her clit with one thumb, and a slightly awkward-feeling "come hither" motion with the fingers on his other hand. After a minute, she throws an arm over her eyes and moans lightly again.
"Please," she whispers, tone suddenly borderline hysterical. "Please, please, please…"
Kyo doesn't understand—she sounds desperate and unhinged, even though he's clearly not going anywhere and has no intention of leaving her hanging, if he can help it. He can't quite tell what it is she wants, and he doesn't want to ignore it, in case she's vaguely expressing an actual need. He stills the movement of his hands for a second, and she groans at the loss.
"Why are you begging?" he asks softly.
Tohru pulls her arm away from her face and opens her eyes. It's obvious, now, that she hadn't been fully aware that she was. "I...don't know…"
So it was subconscious. Do other guys stop right here? Get her close (well, he thinks she's close?) and then give up to do something else? Weird. It crosses his mind, not for the first time, that being a woman must suck in a lot of ways.
But also, Tohru Honda does not ask for what she wants. Previously, the only way she's been able to get people to take her seriously has been to become emotional, and she hates that vulnerability. Maybe slightly-incoherent babbling is just as close as she'll get to it during sex.
"You don't have to," he reassures her. "I'll give you as much...or as little as you want, okay?"
She nods a bit, and with that understanding now between them, he continues. His mind is so clouded with adrenaline that he can barely even feel his fingers anymore. He's still not quite sure what's happening, and he doesn't think he'll even remember how to do this again next time—if there even is a next time, that is. But he can't dwell on that thought for long, because now she's moaning and grinding up into his hands, and the fact that she's so needy for him in this way, so purely undone in his arms, makes him feel nearly insane.
"I—" she murmurs, "I'm going to come."
And even though he'd kind of been expecting it for a bit now, his eyes widen a little and he feels his hands stiffen up. He forces himself to get it back together quickly, kissing and nipping at her neck and continuing the movements of his hands to the best of his ability. When he feels her entire body tighten, he lifts his head to watch her face. Her mouth is wide open and she's gasping for air, her cheeks flushed. Kyo always thinks she's beautiful. But right now, she's moaning and choking out his name and shuddering and just generally turning into a mess, and it might be the most beautiful he's ever seen her.
When she settles down, she gently pushes his thumb away from her clit, so he pulls back and moves up a bit until their faces are even again. "Are you okay?" he asks.
"Oh my god," she laughs. "Of course I am. Thank you for that."
"O-oh, uh. You don't have to thank me, you dork. But, um, it felt good then, I guess?"
She raises an eyebrow and shoots him a look that suggests he's being an absolute moron by asking that. He laughs a little. "Well, I'm glad."
She hesitates for a second, then asks, "Is it okay if I touch you?"
He nods and moves until he's lying flat on his back next to her. He squeezes his eyes shut and swallows hard. As much as he's thought about this kind of thing, alone in his bedroom at night, and as safe as he feels about having his body in Tohru's hands, it's a little awkward now that it's him. Touching her was scary but also thrilling, once he got into the right mindset. Now he has nothing to focus on but himself and what he's feeling.
She straddles him, down around his knees so she has access to his belt. She gets it undone and unzips his jeans as well, then moves to help him tug the piece of clothing off. He sighs in relief at being rid of the currently-too-restricting jeans. But Tohru doesn't move, doesn't do or say anything else for a bit. He opens his eyes nervously, wondering if she might be staring. And she is. But not at the bulge in his underwear, at his face.
"Are you okay?" she asks.
"Eh? Yeah, I'm good." His voice cracks, and he clears his throat in an attempt to disguise it.
"You look nervous."
As always, there's apparently no use in trying to act cool around Tohru. Maybe he'll remember that and actually stop trying to do it someday. "Well of course I am."
She smiles and leans forward, slanting her lips against his own. When they part, she says, "You don't have to be. It's just me."
He's dumbstruck by her words, by all of her really. Her whole presence is intoxicating. Just her. Ridiculous. For years, she's been the only person he's wanted. The only one he's pined for, fantasized about...the only person he's ever been in love with. And now she's here, on top of him, trying to show him how much she loves him, with both intimate words and actions. That's not just anything. But that would be a lot to say right now, and way too hard to word, as well, so he just says, "Okay."
She palms at him through his boxers, and he bites back a groan. The sight of him clenching his jaw apparently worries her again.
"Do you not want me to? I'll stop," she tells him.
But despite his nerves, he knows this is right. Her hand feels so good there. Being here with her—with her red cheeks and kiss-swollen lips and eyes so full of love—just makes sense, somehow, in a way he doesn't quite understand.
"You can," he insists.
She nods a little and goes back to what she was doing. She runs her fingertips up and down his length a few times, touch feather-light, then shifts so she can tug his underwear off. He grabs her wrist and takes a deep breath. After this, she'll definitely be staring...right at his cock. He's never had an issue with his body; it's never mattered to him at all. But he'd be lying if he said this doesn't make him feel a little insecure.
"Just a sec."
"What's wrong?"
He shakes his head. "N-nothing."
She pauses, apparently considering his response for a second. When she seems to think she's figured it out, she says, "I've already seen it, you know."
"Huh? When?!"
"You used to transform in front of me all the time," she points out.
"You always screamed and turned around," he shoots back.
"Well, yes, but...toward the end there, I might have gotten a little bit slower with that."
For some reason, that actually does help a little bit. He chuckles and reaches out to her, cupping her cheek.
"Who knew you could be so sneaky?"
She giggles and leans down, parting her lips and sliding her tongue up the column of his throat and over to his ear before nipping at the lobe. He gasps a bit.
"Remember what you told me? Just relax," she says. "Let me take care of you. I really want to."
He nods and finally lets her take his boxers off. And despite how much he wants her to not stare at him right now, a thought occurs to him—one that will either totally quell or intensify his body-anxiety, based on her response. "Can I ask you something?" he asks once he's fully naked.
"Of course."
"Well, y-you know how guys worry about how...big they are, right?" She raises an eyebrow at him, a slight smirk playing at her lips. She wasn't expecting this, he can tell, but she also seems to know what's coming. "Am I...big enough? To satisfy you, I mean. Is that an actual thing?"
She bites her lip and blushes crimson. Despite everything they've done so far tonight, and everything they still have left to do, that's what gets her? She glances down at him, then away again quickly.
"You're definitely plenty…"
Okay then. He'll take that as a compliment.
"Now shush," she adds. As she leans closer, he takes another deep breath, which ends up being for nothing—as soon as he feels her hand on him, all the oxygen flees his lungs. And then, when her hand is replaced by her mouth, he sees stars.
She's doing a lot of things with her tongue that he doesn't know how to process, except to think that it all just feels so fucking good.
"Shit, Tohru," he murmurs. On its own accord, his hand moves to her hair, pulling it back for her. And now that it's away from her face, he can see what she's doing as well as feel it, and it almost makes him lose his mind. He has to close his eyes again.
"Tohru," he chokes out after a minute. "I'm gonna come if you don't stop."
She pulls her lips away from him with a slight pop. "So?" she asks, sounding just as breathless as he feels.
"So, I...don't wanna be done yet."
"Oh. Oh. Do you want to…?"
"Yeah. I mean, well, only if you want to, too!"
"I do, of course I do."
"O-okay, then…"
For a second, they just stare at each other silently. Then Kyo laughs. He has no idea why, other than the fact that this is so awkward and sweet and perfect. He bites his tongue to stop himself, hoping she doesn't misinterpret it as something negative. But then Tohru laughs, too, covering her mouth with her palm, and it's all suddenly a lot less of a big deal.
"Um, just a second, maybe I…" She says between giggles. She leans over to her nightstand, opens the drawer, and digs around for a minute. When she brings her hand back into his view, her open palm holds a condom. She tears the corner of the wrapper off, then hands him the package. He takes it, hands trembling, and rolls it down over himself. "How do you want to do this?" she asks.
He thinks it's a sort of odd question. She's the experienced one. She's the one who knows how it'll feel best for her. So shouldn't she just pick?
"However you want."
"But it's your first time."
Oh yeah. That.
Kyo ponders it for a second, then ends up just sitting up and carefully pushing her back onto the bed. He balances over her on his forearms, caging her in. When he meets her eyes, the look on her face is heart-stopping. He gulps. "Like this, then," he whispers.
"Okay."
"Are you ready?" he asks. His voice trembles a little bit, and he bites his tongue, completely frustrated with himself yet again.
"Are you?"
"Quit teasing me," he says softly, then pushes himself into her in one fluid motion. She gasps, apparently out of clever comebacks now.
Nothing Kyo has ever experienced has even felt close to this; it's intensity on a whole new level. Every nerve ending in his body comes to life, and his mind goes blank, except to think...
"Oh my god. Fuck, oh my god…" Once again, he must sound like a total idiot, but he can't stop himself from babbling. She laughs lightly in response, though it sounds a bit strained. They meet eyes for a second, but he has to look away if he has any chance of regaining his cool.
"Does it really feel that good?"
"Yeah," he chokes out, thrusting once experimentally. She moans. "Didn't it feel really good your first time, too?"
"The first time? Not really—"
He cringes. "On second thought, let's not talk about you having sex with anyone else right now."
"You didn't let me finish. I was going to say, but it already feels really good right now, with you."
It's a miracle that he doesn't come immediately after that.
He takes a few deep breaths, then moves his hips again. They moan in unison this time, and Kyo shivers from it as he starts up a steady pace. He buries his face against her shoulder. She wraps her arms around him and scratches at his back lightly.
"Shit," he says under his breath. "I don't think I'm gonna last long, sorry."
She shakes her head. "Don't apologize."
He feels like he should, though. He would love to last long enough to get her off again, but it's all too much; physically, and emotionally too.
He just feels so much. She's amazing, all of her—the way her body feels, the sounds she's making, how her hands cling to him, the searing look she's giving him. The way she just cares about him in general. He doesn't really know how to express these things, but after a second, he figures out he can sum it up in one phrase:
"I love you."
"I love you too," she whispers back, and this time it's her voice that shakes. "So much."
He gets an idea and clumsily reaches between their bodies. He finds her clit with his thumb. He might not end up getting her off again, but he's sure as hell going to try. She gasps his name. And unfortunately, the face she starts making—eyes closed, mouth slightly open, neck and face flushed—coupled with his name falling from her lips in such a lewd way, makes him fall apart.
"Fuck, Tohru," he murmurs. He kisses her neck a few times as he spends into the condom. She digs her nails into the skin of his back a bit harder.
His elbows give, and he just barely catches himself before falling completely onto her. She moves one hand around to his chest, helping keep a little more distance between them. His breathing is ragged and his muscles still tense, as he lifts his head to rest his forehead on hers. Their sweaty bangs rub together and they bump noses and smile, and that alone feels so extremely intimate that for a moment, he thinks he might cry.
"Did that feel good?" she asks once he settles down. He picks his head up. Now it's his turn to shoot her a look that says she's going insane. She laughs a little. "Sorry."
"No, I'm sorry," he says, kissing her cheek.
"Huh?"
"I'm sure that didn't do much for you."
She tsks and puts a hand on the back of his head, drawing him nearer so she can kiss his forehead. "It felt really, really good. And the best part was just getting to be so close to you."
Kyo's always known that he would trust Tohru with his life. He'd willingly surrender all of his heart and mind to her, if it was what she wanted. They know each other's good points, but also the darkest parts of their souls, the ones they try to hide from others. But she's right—this was a whole new kind of intimacy. He lies his head down on her shoulder. He doesn't want to move, doesn't want to let go of her.
Not ever.
Chapter title from "Kiss Me Slowly" by Parachute
