A/N: Here's what was going to be part of the previous chapter. The next one won't be up this quickly lol. I hope you enjoy!
Kagura has been quiet for the last 20 minutes, and it might be the best 20 minutes of Kyo's life.
Well...that might be a little dramatic. But a quiet train ride with Kagura is extremely nice, especially today. But as soon as they step off the train:
"So, what's she like?"
Kyo groans through gritted teeth. "Kagura."
"Just tell me a little bit. Is she nice?"
"No, I'm dating her because she's mean."
Kagura puffs her lower lip out into a pout, and Kyo actually can't help but chuckle a bit—the expression is just so dramatically pathetic. It makes him give in a little. "Yeah, she's nice. And pretty, and smart. And funny, even when she's not trying to be. She's amazing."
Kagura is quiet for a second before simply deadpanning, "That was cheesy."
"You asked," Kyo points out.
"What's her name?"
"You don't need to know that."
"You're no fun, Kyo!"
He sighs and turns to look at her. "Listen, if I want to keep things private, that's only my business and hers. It's not like the rest of the family's gonna be too thrilled about me dating after what happened. They don't think I deserve it."
"How do you know?"
"...What?"
"How do you know they would be mad about you dating? It's not like you've done it before, and now you're keeping it a secret. You haven't given them a chance to react."
Kyo has to admit to himself that it's a somewhat good point, but he sure as hell won't actually say that and risk inflating her ego more than it already is. But also, after banishing him from the estate and essentially ignoring him for the last two years, doesn't he have good reason to suspect that they won't be on board with this?—with him being happy, falling in love, living like a normal person to the best of his ability. And that frustration will only get worse after they find out just who has been keeping him company.
In their eyes, he's not good enough to even breathe the same air as Tohru, let alone touch her and kiss her and tell her he loves her. He's not good enough to deserve the way she looks at him, the way she blushes whenever he walks into a room, or how she giggles at his horrible jokes.
And really, they're right. He doesn't deserve those things. For the past month or so, he's been running off of adrenaline, and an understanding that he just shouldn't question the stroke of good luck that brought Tohru back to him and made her love him. But sometimes, he still finds himself wondering about it a little bit.
"Can we just drop it, please?" he asks. Something in his tone makes Kagura look over at him. He stops walking, and she falls into a halt next to him.
"Kyo…"
"Please, Kagura."
"O-okay."
Kyo takes a deep breath and looks up at the sky, swallowing down the lump in his throat as he does. It's starting to stay light later, an effect of spring creeping up on Tokyo. But it's still chilly enough to try and blame the redness of his cheeks and the glassiness of his eyes on the cold air. And if Kagura asks, that's exactly what he'll do.
"We're gonna be late," he says, bringing his face back down.
He starts walking again, and she rushes to catch up. Once she makes it to his side, he feels her grab at his sleeve. When he looks down at her, she's keeping her eyes forward, purposely avoiding meeting his gaze, it seems. But she slides her hand down his forearm and slips it into his.
"Everything's okay," she says simply. She squeezes his hand once, then lets go. And that's that—afterwards, the skip returns to her step and the excitement comes back to her voice as they near the theater.
It somehow makes Kyo's heart a little warm.
Tohru starts to gather her things from her desk as her coworkers wave to her and move into the meeting room.
Is everyone here already? Then maybe…
The bell goes off once more, and she hears a familiar laugh near the door. Her heart lurches. She actually drops her phone back onto her desk, the echo of the clatter attracting the attention of everyone still in the room.
Including him.
They meet eyes, and Itsuki nods at her. She immediately looks away. He does a lot of fieldwork, so he's not in the office much, usually sparing Tohru from seeing him. Considering that, it had really just been a cruel trick of fate that they met here in the first place. But they have these staff meetings once a month, and at every one, Itsuki of course shows up. And every time, it makes her heart ache in a way she can't quite explain.
She should be used to it by now. She spent the last few hours trying to mentally prepare herself for him to be here. She's done with him, 100% finished. She doesn't feel anything for him. But he somehow still has enough of a grip on her to make her unravel a little bit every time she sees him. She hates it. It makes her feel so ashamed of herself.
Because she's in love with someone else now, and that new love makes her so so happy. But when Itsuki's around, she can't help but think about the past, and it brings all the hurt back, as though it had all just happened yesterday.
Tohru's become good at escaping work situations he's involved in, though: so she picks up her fallen phone and rushes into the meeting room. She takes a seat in the corner, trying to stay as far away from everyone else as possible.
But then Itsuki's in the room, too, and he derails her technique: Whereas he usually would go sit somewhere else, tonight he drags a chair over to where she is. When he sits, Tohru sighs loudly, hoping he'll get the hint and go away. But he just looks at her sidelong and asks, "Can we talk after this?"
They haven't talked in months, and that's exactly how it should be.
Tohru shakes her head and opens her notebook to a new page, busying herself by preparing to take notes. She ends up doodling swirls on the page nervously. She can feel Itsuki staring at her, waiting for an actual answer, and probably also thinking about how childish she's being by destroying her paper in an attempt to ignore him.
He was always telling her how childish she is.
"Why now?" she asks finally, just wanting his eyes to get off of her.
"I'm finally ready to apologize. Like, really apologize."
She sighs again. An apology that's genuine would be nice. She wanted it for weeks after their breakup—alone at night in her new apartment, part of her wished for a real apology and an invitation to go back home; if that happened, she'd be able to pretend her whole life hadn't been falling apart. Even now, being able to take an actual apology, neatly wrap it up, tie a bow on it, and compartmentalize it in her brain never to be thought about again, is appealing. But she's also come to terms with the fact that she'll likely never have the closure she'd hoped for. She's okay with that now.
Maybe, if it had been five months ago, or even just one month ago, she would have said yes and gone off with him to chat. But she's not who she was then. She's more mature, and in love in a whole different way—a real way. She doesn't want anything to do with Itsuki. She doesn't want to hear him talk about the past and make her remember things. She doesn't want to ever have to think about a life with anyone other than Kyo.
"I have somewhere to be after this."
"Oh yeah?" He raises an eyebrow. "You were never really one to go out."
He never let her go out.
She gives a one-shouldered shrug and simply looks to their manager, who's attempting to start the meeting from the front of the room.
Itsuki at least has enough common sense to not distract Tohru during the meeting, and he actually seems to be paying attention, which is rare for him—focus was never one of his strong suits. As soon as the meeting is over, Tohru quickly eyes her notes, which she'll have to type up into a staff-wide email tomorrow, and then stands. She attempts to take off, trying to shove things into her bag as she goes, but Itsuki grabs her wrist. Something about that simple action makes her see red.
"Don't touch me," she snaps, yanking it away.
"Tohru, please…"
"Just…" She trails off, then shakes her head and starts over, hoping her voice won't tremble this time. "You've done enough. Just leave me alone. Please, Itsuki."
She turns and looks at him, then—actually looks at him. He looks sad. Pitiful might be a better word for it, actually. He stares back at her, his lips drawn into a tight line, eyes narrowed slightly with hurt. For just a second, Tohru feels guilty that she's apparently insulted him. Immediately, though, she turns back around, breaking that thought, and starts walking again.
She decides to take the stairs to avoid possibly ending up in the same elevator as Itsuki. But eight flights of stairs in slight heels proves to be a daunting task, especially when she hears his voice call her name behind her. As he starts to catch up, she pauses for a second to kick off her shoes and pick them up, then continues downward barefoot. She feels the bottom of her foot snag on the rough industrial metal of the steps, and the bottom of her tights tears. Stupid. Now she needs to buy more.
He was always telling her how dumb she was about stuff like this.
He was always telling her how unladylike she was, to do things like this.
"Tohru...thirty seconds, please. Just thirty seconds!"
How many times had she given him "just thirty seconds"?
She makes it to the lobby, Itsuki still on her heels, and she prays that Kyo is already outside waiting for her. She hates this—feeling scared like a little girl, waiting for her protector to come rescue her. But she doesn't know how else to behave—because when she opens the door and starts to walk out, Itsuki grabs her arm again, and her vision is suddenly watery, and she tries to shake herself loose, but she can't. He's strong and tall. She's always had a thing for men larger than her. It used to make her feel dainty and feminine, but now it just makes her feel terrified.
"Tohru, you're drawing attention. Just calm down for a second."
He was always telling her she was making a scene.
"Hey."
Tohru blinks away her tears and looks up toward the source of the voice. Everything's a little blurry, but she knows who it is, just by the sound of his voice. Kyo starts to walk over, and Itsuki immediately lets go.
"Is there a problem?" Kyo asks. His voice is perfectly level, but Tohru can tell that he's livid.
"Nah, man. We're fine," Itsuki mumbles.
"So harassing girls is fine now?"
"We were just talking."
Kyo takes in a deep breath, ready to argue, but Tohru crosses the rest of the space between them as quickly as possible. She throws her arms around his torso and looks up at him, shaking her head. She wants him to just leave it alone. Just forget about it and get her out of here. He lowers his face to meet her eyes, and he wraps his arms around her in return, pulling her in close to his chest.
"Oh. So that's how it is," Itsuki grumbles.
Kyo rubs Tohru's back, an action so sweet and calm in contrast to his next words. "Yeah, that's how it is. So mind your own fucking business." Then he leans down and presses a kiss to Tohru's cheek. "Are you hurt?" he asks. She gives her head a little shake.
"Itsuki!" a voice calls out from a little further down the block. "If you're done being a drama queen, we're going drinking. You in?"
Itsuki scoffs and starts walking toward their coworker. "Yeah, yeah. But I'm the drama queen here? Really?"
As soon as Itsuki's name was called, Tohru had felt Kyo's body stiffen up. He knows that name, and everything that comes along with it.
"Was that…?" he starts to ask. But he can't seem to complete the sentence. When his voice cracks a little and trails off, Tohru finishes for him by nodding.
"What the hell did he want?"
"I don't know." Tohru sniffles and shakes her head. "To talk, he said. To apologize."
"Now? After all this time?"
She takes a deep breath and wipes the remaining tears from her eyes. "I guess he's trying to make amends. Maybe."
Kyo scoffs. Tohru takes a step back so she can see him better. "You really think that? More like he was trying to hook up with you."
That thought hadn't even occurred to her.
"You...think so…?"
"I...well, isn't that obvious? Is he really the kind of guy who'd want to make amends now?" Kyo's cheeks are red. Tohru can't quite tell if it's from rage, slight embarrassment at talking about such a thing, or just the chilly wind blowing by.
"I didn't…" she murmurs.
Kyo moves his hands down to her hips, squeezing a little. He does that a lot, she's noticed, and she's used to it feeling good, something to look forward to when they're kissing or cuddling because she knows it means he loves her and is attracted to her. But it feels different now, somehow. She bites her lip and looks away. She feels like he's going to say something bad, though she's not really sure what, and she doesn't think she can bear to be looking into his eyes when he does.
"Tohru…" he says softly. "You aren't…? Are you…?"
She waits a second for him to finish, but he doesn't. He just trails off, moving his hands away from her and putting them in his pockets.
"What?" she asks.
"N-nothing...just, are you ready to go?"
"Oh...yes." Tohru reaches out, and he takes her hand, locking their fingers together.
That wasn't what he was about to say, and she knows it. She's not sure what exactly he'd planned on asking, but it definitely wasn't that.
She doesn't know if she has the courage to ask him for the truth right now, though.
You aren't still in love with him, are you? Are you really totally over him?
That's what he'd planned to ask her. But he managed to stop himself, and he's glad he did. It would have upset her, and he knows the answers to those questions, really.
No, she's not still in love with Itsuki. Tohru loves him now.
Of course she's completely over Itsuki. Tohru loves him now.
He knew her tears had been genuine, and had fallen out of fear and pain. He hadn't doubted that for a second. But at the same time, she was so oblivious to Itsuki's obvious intentions. No asshole like that apologizes if he isn't trying to get something. Get some one. Kyo's just not sure why he'd try to make someone as wonderful as Tohru feel miserable again, though, when he could just go pick someone up, have sex with them, and leave them again with no hard feelings. That seems like it would be more his style.
Even so, after all Tohru's been through with that guy, and then with Asahi, shouldn't she be able to recognize when a guy's doing that?
He's tired of people trying to take advantage of her. Isn't she, too?
They don't say anything on the way back to her apartment. They just walk together, Tohru still carrying her shoes in the hand that's not linked with his and staring at the pavement in front of her. When they make it, she unlocks the door with shaky hands and heads straight for the kitchen.
"Uh…" Kyo mumbles, lining his shoes up with hers in the genkan. "Are you hungry?"
"No."
"'Cause I can cook."
"No."
He raises an eyebrow, and when he looks up at her, she's leaning back against the counter with a stemless wine glass in one hand, and a bottle of white wine next to her. Aside from that one night at Shigure's, he's never seen her drink—and even then, she'd hardly touched her wine at all.
"Tohru...are you sure you want to drink right now?"
"Just a glass."
If she were planning to drink "just a glass," wouldn't she have put the bottle away? But he has no say in when she drinks or how much, especially not after the night she'd had.
"Let's take it to bed," he suggests. She takes a big sip, then nods and follows him into her bedroom. "Want pajamas?" She doesn't answer, so he walks over, takes her glass, and sets it on the nightstand. "C'mon."
After a second, she complies and gets changed, then into bed next to him. She finishes her glass of wine a little too quickly for Kyo's comfort, then lies down on her side, facing him. He reaches out and tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. "Talk to me," he says softly. She just closes her eyes and sets her jaw. "Please," he adds, tone pleading.
He doesn't like this. Not at all. Tohru always talks to him. Ever since they met, he's been her confidant, the one she comes to with problems and negative emotions. Just a few minutes of talking to Itsuki has reverted her back to this? To bottling up her feelings, even around Kyo?
He's not going to let that happen.
He rubs his thumb against her cheek. "More happened with him, didn't it? More than cheating?"
Tohru takes a deep, shaky breath, and finally opens her eyes to look at him again. "Well...it wasn't all rainbows and butterflies. But no relationship is."
"Well, some are worse than others, I guess. Was yours one of the bad ones?"
"Depended on the day."
"Were there more bad days than good, though?"
She hesitates, then says quietly, "Yes.
"Was he rough with you, like he was tonight?"
Tohru shakes her head a bit. "No. Not with his hands, at least."
"With words?"
"Mm-hmm."
It makes him furious. He wants to find that jackass and beat him into the ground. Tohru doesn't deserve to be treated like that. He's sure all she had done to Itsuki was try to love him and take care of him, because that's the kind of person she is—a good one.
"But you still loved him?" he asks.
Her eyes water. She closes them again, in an attempt to keep from crying, but the tears seep out anyway. She nods. "I did. I really loved him," she whispers.
He doesn't take time to process that. It hurts too much right now—to think about her loving someone and giving them her best when they just spent every day tearing her to shreds...to think about her loving someone else at all.
"I love you," he blurts instead. It's not a helpful response, he knows, but he can't help it. He needs to say it.
And he needs to hear it back.
"I love you so much."
He feels a little bit of the tension leave his body at that.
"Please...please don't ever think that I don't love you because of him. I love you. I've always loved you, and I always will. You mean more to me than he ever did," she adds.
Guilt churns his gut, and Kyo slides an arm around her waist and pulls her closer. Even after the night she's had, even with how shitty she's obviously still feeling, she's still trying to take care of him.
He nuzzles his nose against the top of her head, inhaling the smell of her strawberry shampoo and pressing kisses to her hair. It calms him down. "Sorry," he murmurs. This isn't about him. He didn't even mean to make it about him, but he may as well be a piece of plexiglass with the way Tohru sees through him. "What do you need right now? What can I do?"
"I'm okay. You have work tomorrow. You should go home and get some rest."
"Uh…"
She pulls her head back a little and looks up at him. "I know how tiring it is to stay over here and then rush back to your apartment before work."
"It's okay," he says immediately, and he means it. "I can't think of a better reason than holding you to be tired."
Tohru smiles a little, and while it looks weary, it doesn't exactly seem sad. That relieves him, at least.
"It's okay to be selfish sometimes, Kyo-kun," she reminds him.
He sighs. She throws those words back at him like they're nothing. Like he's her—selfless and kind—when in reality he's always just taking, taking, taking. When in reality, he's always selfish.
"Yeah, well...I can be selfish tomorrow."
She shakes her head a little, but she definitely doesn't have any fighting spirit in her tonight, so she just snuggles up to him again and lets herself doze off.
He's not going to get any sleep. He knows that. He's surprised at how quickly she falls asleep.
But that's okay. If he can lie here and protect her, it's okay. Humans started drinking coffee for a reason. Or even having an energy drink just once won't kill him.
His mind is still swirling with questions. Questions about her relationship with Itsuki, questions about how she's been able to move on...questions about if she's actually completely moved on. Questions about how he can help her do it, if she still needs to.
But, despite all the uncertainty surrounding them tonight, he knows one thing for sure: as long as she's here, okay and safe in his arms, then so is he.
It's enough. That'll always be enough.
Tohru's not quite sure how she manages to drag herself into work this morning, but she does it. She has no other choice.
A couple of her coworkers eye her as she sits down at the front desk, obviously confused, and she tries to ignore them. She knows, then, that they saw her last night. That realization hurts. She's sure nearly everyone here knows about her past relationship with Itsuki, but she didn't tell anyone why they actually broke up. From the looks they're shooting at her, she guesses that he never gave any reason, either.
When the office phone rings, she picks it up immediately, happy for the distraction. One of the few perks of being a secretary at a real estate office in Tokyo is that she can count on it always being busy. There's hardly ever time to get caught up in her feelings here.
Though, a couple hours in, she does have a second of downtime. She uses it to send Kyo a text:
I'm so sorry.
A/N: Chapter title from "Heaven Forbid" by The Fray
