Many things in Tohru Honda's life have not gone as planned.
She lost her mother when she was young. She moved in with three random men at 16 years old. She confessed her love to one of them, after she never thought she'd feel that way for anyone, and got rejected. She fell off a cliff. She got engaged, got betrayed, then reconnected with her old flame.
And now…
Even though Tohru knows that things don't go as she plans, she still has allowed herself to have expectations for at least this. She always thought that, by the time this happened, she'd be older than she is now. She'd be married and have a house and a job she loved. She'd be far more financially stable than this, not to mention more emotionally stable.
And now…
All of that goes out the window.
Despite that, she feels herself smile.
She lets the plastic stick slip between her fingers and land with a clatter on the bathroom floor, a sob escaping her lips.
When Kyo gets back to Tohru's place around 11, she doesn't answer the door. He frowns. She gave him a key, but he still feels a little weird using it when she's home, and she always answers when he knocks, so there's never been a reason to. He swings his backpack around to his chest and digs for the key.
"Tohru?" he calls once he steps in. He kicks off his shoes, lays his bag down, and looks around the main room. Empty. Is she actually not here?
He makes his way to the bedroom door and peeks in. If he couldn't see her breathing, he'd have no idea she's even there—she's completely covered by the blanket, head and all. Next to the bed is an empty bottle of wine and a tipped-over glass, also empty. She's been drinking? That much? Kyo bites back a sigh and goes over to her. He pulls the blanket off her head and leans down, pressing a kiss to her temple.
"Hey, sleepyhead. You okay?" he murmurs as she starts to stir.
She opens her eyes and blinks a few times. When her gaze finally settles on his face, she gasps. He jumps in surprise.
"Kyo-kun, I—" she blurts, sitting up. Then she presses a palm to her forehead. "What time is it?!"
Kyo brushes her hand away and replaces it with his own. She doesn't feel warm, at least. Her eyes, though—they're red and puffy, a giveaway that she's been crying. "11-ish. Are you feeling sick?"
"Oh, well, that's…" She trails off, turns away with flushed cheeks. Even though she looks embarrassed, and conflicted about what to say next, her lips are also curling up into the beginning of a small smile. "I'm fine."
"You drank a whole bottle of wine?"
The smile leaves her face. "Last night was…" She stops again, though, and Kyo feels his heart sink a bit. She's not talking to him. When Tohru doesn't talk to him and avoids his eyes like this, something's wrong. One thing he prides himself on is being her confidant. He can always get things out of her that no one else is able to; like they speak a secret language at times, almost. But right now, it's like she's just…completely shut down.
"What happened last night?" he prods gently. He gets in bed next to her, pulls her into his chest. She stiffens for just a second, then slings an arm over his torso. "Must have been something, for you to have drunk your body weight in crappy convenience store wine." He tickles her ribs a little, hoping it might make her smile. She does, but it looks tired.
"I didn't drink my body weight," she protests weakly.
"Eh, I dunno about that. You're pretty puny."
"Kyo-kun."
He tilts his head to get a better look at her face, and smiles when he sees that her expression has brightened a bit. "Wanna tell me what's going on?" he asks, though he's sort of reluctant to bring it back up when she's starting to feel better.
She takes a deep breath. "I…last night…" She closes her eyes tight, draws in another heavy breath. "I…was thinking about what Itsuki said last week. And I got curious. I sort of wondered if he was telling the truth when he said he'd changed. So I looked at his Instagram, and…he's dating someone. He's still the same." A tear slides down her cheek. Kyo reaches out and wipes it away instinctively, but he doesn't know how to feel about any of this.
Why did she feel the need to do that? She must have realized that it was pointless. Unless…
He sits up a little straighter, shifting her off of him in the process. She opens her eyes to look at him again. "Why did you do that?" he asks. His voice tremors a bit, betraying how anxious he's feeling. He hopes she didn't notice.
Tohru looks a little baffled by that question. "I don't—I really was just curious."
Kyo looks away, tries to gather himself, then switches gears. "And that's when you drank a whole bottle of wine?"
"Yeah. And passed out," she adds quietly. That doesn't make this any better.
"Tohru. You could have made yourself sick."
"W-well, I did get sick…but not really because of that. Speaking of, Kyo-kun, I have something to te—"
Kyo clenches his fists. "Tohru, tell me the truth. Are you…still in love with Itsuki?" He has to know. He can't take it anymore. It's all been adding up slowly, over a period of weeks—her sleeping with Asahi for no reason other than to numb her heart for a minute, her letting Itsuki cradle her face, and now her looking at his Instagram and getting drunk when she sees he's taken. He knows that he asked his question in a completely insensitive way, cutting her off and just blurting it out like that. But it's too late to go back now. He turns back to face Tohru.
He has to know. No matter how much the answer might hurt.
Her eyes widen. "What?" she whispers. Then, louder, "No, of course not! Kyo-kun, I'm in love with you!" Her expression is panicked, absolutely frantic.
He believes her.
He believes her.
He wants to believe her.
Kyo smiles a little, though it's a bit bitter. Tohru reaches out and grabs his hand. "I have absolutely no feelings for him. None."
"Then, why did you…?"
She sighs, gives his hand a squeeze. He can't quite bring himself to hold hers back, but he appreciates her touch grounding him a bit. "I think…I just don't know how to let go, sometimes."
Kyo shakes his head a little. She narrows her eyes, clearly trying to figure him out. "Tohru…" he whispers. "Tohru, I don't know how to help you with that." He feels his eyes tear up. He blinks to try and clear them from his vision, but it doesn't work, and they start to drip off his lashes. Tohru gasps a bit at the sight.
"What do you mean?" she asks slowly.
"Was this—us—too soon?"
She shakes her head vehemently, grips his hand even tighter. "No, of course not. We found each other again at the perfect time. And Kyo-kun, I need—"
He sniffles. "It doesn't sound like you had time to heal. I don't…how do I help? I want to help, but…it sounds like something you might need to do alone."
She flinches, draws her hand back. "What? Kyo-kun, please just listen for a second. It's important…" She trails off, though, expression solemn.
But all Kyo can see right now is what's directly in front of him.
He chokes back a sob and puts a hand over his eyes. He means it. He hates that he means it, but he does. How do you heal from a past relationship when you jump into another serious one so quickly afterwards? He doesn't know much about love, but he's heard that from other people before—you have to heal from a breakup on your own before finding someone else, or it'll just come back to haunt you. That concept has always made sense to him, and it's becoming even clearer right now. There are some things you have to do alone. There are some things you need to use your strength alone for. Maybe there are some things he can't help her with, no matter how much he loves her.
He feels sick to his stomach. The room is spinning, and it feels as though he's barely breathing. The last time he felt a pain this intense was when he saw Tohru on the ground, bloody and unconscious, after falling off the cliff.
"Kyo-kun…" she whispers. "What are you saying?"
He takes a deep breath. It burns his lungs. "I'm saying that maybe…maybe we need to take a break, so you can figure out how to let go."
He pulls his hand off his eyes and looks over at her. Her face goes white. She's always pale, but this is different—akin to snow, or a bed sheet. Her eyes tear up again. For a second, they just both stare at each other, crying quietly.
"D-do you mean that?" she chokes out.
No, he wants to say. This is his chance to take it back. Of course not. Let me hold you and kiss it all better.
But he can't say that, because he can't do that. Because this is his fault. Totally and completely his doing.
Tohru has always invested in relationships, though platonic, only with people that value her. Uotani, Hanajima, Yuki, Rin; they all hold her dear and treat her well, have done so since they first met her. But Itsuki, then Asahi…
Tohru's always thought rather lowly of herself, but what caused her to totally toss her worth out the window and find creeps like them?
It all started after she confessed to Kyo.
It all started with him.
"Yes," he says.
Tohru takes a shaky, shuddering breath. She looks like she might pass out. "Is this a break? Or a break up?" she asks softly.
"A break. For now, a break."
There's a minute of silence, then Tohru spits out, "What's that supposed to mean? 'For now'?" Now she sounds angry.
"We don't know what's going to happen. What if, during the break, you decide I'm not what you need? Or that you're still in love with him?" Kyo chokes out.
He glances away again, because he can't handle the look on her face. He can't even describe it—the amount of hurt, shock, and anger that make up her current expression.
"I think you should leave," she says after a bit.
The words, and her tone, pierce his heart, shattering it even more than it already was. Kyo fleetingly thinks that he doesn't know how he'll survive now—she's everything. But he wants what's best for her.
He nods, wipes at his eyes again, and stands up. He grabs his backpack and his shoes, anything else he might be forgetting be damned; he doesn't need it.
He shuts the front door, then leans back against it.
Where the hell does he go from here?
Tohru sits completely still on the bed until she hears her front door click shut.
After getting up so early and making a surprise run to a 24 hour convenience store, she was exhausted and had gone back to bed. She should have cleaned up first, washed her face to clear the bags from under her eyes. Maybe then he wouldn't have noticed something was up, and this wouldn't have happened.
Slowly, she reaches a shaking hand out to her nightstand and pulls the drawer open. Inside it, the positive pregnancy test stares back at her. Tohru slams the drawer shut and puts her head in her hands as a fresh round of tears begin to fall.
This can't be happening. There's no way this is real.
It's not possible…it's not possible that she's pregnant and alone now, left behind by the father and love of her life because she can't let go of a past grudge.
How did she let this happen? How could she be so stupid? Of course her pain drove Kyo away—who wouldn't it drive away? He must have felt like this for a long time, that she still has feelings for Itsuki. He must have felt it, but held on until it wasn't possible anymore, until she'd effectively made him feel like nothing more than a rebound because she can't let go.
She's alone.
Tohru's not sure how long she sits there, just crying. But by the time she's settled down a bit, it's probably well past when she was supposed to meet Uo-chan for lunch. She knows she should at least call, but her lungs and her heart and her eyes burn, and she doesn't think she'd be able to talk at all.
She doesn't think she's able to do anything at all, right now.
But the sun is warm on her back as it streams in through her bedroom window, and instinctively she pulls herself up and over to her closet. A walk. It's nice out, so maybe that's what she should do. Just go out in the sun and try to forget about all this for a while.
She owns one pair of jeans for times when she doesn't feel like trying to dress cutely—like right now—and she tugs them on, along with a baggy sweater. She shoves her phone and keys into her pockets, puts on whatever shoes she has by the front door, and heads out.
As soon as she's down the stairs, she realizes she has no idea where to go. Just like so many other times in her life.
But, also like many other times in her life, she knows that if she just starts walking, she can bullshit things until she figures it out.
As she walks, she's vaguely aware of her phone dinging incessently in her back pocket. Probably Uo-chan wondering where she is. It's not like Tohru to stand anyone up.
But who is Tohru, anyway? She has no idea, truly knows nothing about herself.
Understands nothing except that there's really no coming back from this. How could there be? The one person who understands her and truly loves her is gone. He left. And now she's carrying a reminder of him, one that she might have to raise alone. She's twenty. She's poor and heartbroken and unstable, so how could she do that? How could she possibly do it?
She can't.
She can't do any of this.
With a destination now in mind, she glances at the upcoming fork in the path, then turns right when she gets there. It's a long walk, but who cares. She has nothing but time right now, after all.
After a few minutes at Tohru's door, Kyo had let his feet carry him back to his apartment. Now, he sits on his living room floor, staring at the wall. He must be in shock; that's the only possible way to explain how he's feeling—he's numb, like an empty shell of a person; his mind isn't fully processing what just took place; and above all, he just wants Tohru.
His phone buzzes from where he'd chucked it onto the couch when he walked in. He sniffles, wipes his eyes, and turns to get it. A text from Uotani. Just fantastic.
"Carrots, where's Tohru? She didn't show up for lunch and isn't answering her phone."
He taps out a half-assed response, not having the capacity to put much thought into the situation. "She's not feeling well. She'll text you later." He immediately tosses his phone back onto the sofa afterwards.
Of course Tohru skipped lunch. She was a mess when Kyo left her place, and rightfully so. But…her not answering her phone is a little concerning. He can't exactly blame her, though.
He draws his knees up to his chest, then leans forward and rests his forehead on them.
He can't think about this anymore right now. He's going to drive himself insane, even more insane than he's already feeling.
His phone vibrates again, for longer this time, signaling a call instead of a text. He ignores it. Whoever it is calls again afterward, clearly persistent. Kyo just squeezes his eyes shut tight and tries to block out the sound, block out everything he's thinking and feeling. He basks in the self-induced silence for as long as possible, glad to at least have a still mind for a bit.
The next thing he knows, there's a loud knock at his door.
A/N: Don't worry, I hate myself right now too.
Chapter title from "illicit affairs" by Taylor Swift
