A/N: hello, this story has really gotten away from me.
When Kyo wakes up the next morning, Tohru is curled up against his chest. He blinks against the early morning sunlight and, still half asleep, pulls her closer. It's then that he notices she's shaking. He frowns at the realization. He pulls back enough to look her over—she doesn't seem hurt anywhere, aside from being painted red-purple in a few places across her chest. She doesn't feel cold, either. In case she's starting to get sick, he errs on the side of caution and wraps the comforter tighter around her naked form, then slips out of bed to go make tea.
When he comes back a few minutes later, two cups in hand, he startles when he sees Tohru up and sitting on the edge of the bed, pulling a blouse onto her shoulders. Her eyes are a little dull, face solemn. He should talk to her, right? They should discuss what happened, how they're feeling about it. Although he's never been too great at it, talking is supposed to be good and important.
He tries to force out a natural-sounding greeting before getting to the point. "Oh, you're up. Good—"
"Kyo-kun," she says quietly. He stops talking immediately. It's not like Tohru to interrupt, so she must have something she really needs to say. He'll let her; it buys him some more time to think. "We don't, uh. We don't have to talk about last night yet, okay? Later, please."
"Um," he mumbles, then trails off. What is he supposed to say to that? He can't very well protest when he'd tried to ignore her after kissing her yesterday, he supposes…so he'll have to wait for her to come to him. He guesses. Maybe. Probably.
She doesn't say anything else, and neither does he. She just keeps her eyes absently trained on the carpet, and he watches as she buttons up her blouse, slowly covering the only remaining evidence of what happened last night.
Kyo feels something negative bubble up in his chest. He quickly identifies it as frustration, and decides to leave the situation before he says anything he'll regret later.
"Tea," he says simply, laying the cups on the nightstand next to her.
"Oh, thank—"
But before she can finish, he's in the bathroom, door shut behind him.
They don't talk about it on the way to work, or on the way home that night. They don't talk about it during dinner, and not even when it's time for bed and they somehow inevitably find themselves hooking up again.
And as Kyo stares at the ceiling afterwards, Tohru soundly asleep on the opposite side of the bed, he thinks and thinks, but just can't figure out what the fuck is going on. For the life of him, he has no idea why Tohru seems so hollow, so purely gutted. She'd come onto him, and now she's acting distant and cold.
He has no clue what he's supposed to do.
On Wednesday after work, he and Tohru separate for a bit; she goes to the supermarket to do a little shopping, and he goes to the convenience store and then to Haru's.
No one is home when he arrives, so he sits on the top step and waits. Finally, about 20 minutes later, Haru comes trudging up the stairs, stopping about halfway and looking at Kyo. Though his expression doesn't change from its usual indifference, Kyo can somehow tell that Haru is surprised to see him.
"Uh, hey," Haru says.
In lieu of a greeting, Kyo reaches into the bag from the convenience store, takes out a can of beer, and waves it at Haru. Haru continues up the stairs, takes the offering, and sits down.
"Why'd you bring this?" Haru asks.
"You're always giving me beer. Figured I should repay you somehow."
Haru looks between Kyo and the can a few times, then says, "Are you trying to poison me?"
Kyo groans. "Jackass. Either drink it or don't, I don't care."
Haru smirks and pops the can open. "Someone's grumpy."
"Yeah, well…maybe a little," Kyo admits.
Haru takes a gulp of the drink, then asks, "Is that why you're here?"
"Yeah."
"Well, spill."
Kyo takes a deep breath, his knee starting to bounce up and down. In the silence, Haru watches him sidelong. "So…we had sex," Kyo spits out finally, figuring it's better to just get it over with.
Haru raises an eyebrow. "You and Honda?"
"Who else would I have sex with?"
Haru shrugs. "From what you've told me, you're not even supposed to be having sex with her," he points out. "But congrats anyway, man. Was it good?"
"It was amazing, but that's not the point."
"Then what is?"
"It made a huge mess."
Haru hums, clearly pondering the possible meanings of that. "Start from the beginning."
Kyo sighs and drops his head to avoid having to look at Haru. "I kissed her. Then I realized that was stupid…"
"So you slept with her to…what, redeem yourself somehow?"
"Do you want me to finish talking or not?" Kyo groans.
"Sorry." Haru makes a go ahead motion.
"I realized that was stupid, so I tried to pretend it didn't happen. She got me to talk about it, and somehow that led to confessing that I'm still in love with her, and then she jumped me."
Haru chuckles and takes another long drink of beer. "Damn. Honda really knows what she wants and goes for it."
"Yeah. Except now she's acting really fucking weird."
"What do you mean?"
"She woke up shaking, and now she doesn't want to talk."
"Were you not a good lay, or something?"
Kyo's cheeks redden. He thinks he's getting better about talking to Haru about stuff like this, but not when he's asked for that much detail. "I—well, she came…uh, twice."
Haru leans back, putting his weight on his palms behind him. "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure."
"Girls can be really good at faking it."
Hmm…Kyo hadn't known that. This whole time, has she just been—?
That's absolutely not the point right now.
"Jesus Christ, Haru. Are you gonna give me any advice, or what?"
"Try going down on her more often."
"I go down on her every time! And you know damn well that's not what I meant."
Haru tries to keep from smirking, but ends up unsuccessful. For a moment, Kyo wants to punch it right off his face.
"Well I mean, you've gotta talk to her, right?"
"But how? She'll barely look at me."
"Sit her down and show her who's boss."
"Why do I even bother to ask you for help?" Kyo grumbles.
Haru pretends to be offended, smacking a hand over his heart. "Hey, would you have even gotten this far without me?"
"...Fair enough."
Haru downs the rest of his drink, stands, and smacks dust off the back of his pants. "She's gonna have your kid. You have to be able to talk to her, even when it's tough."
"I know. You're right."
"Could ask your therapist for advice."
"She's gonna be pissed."
"She's just a therapist, not your mom. Is she even allowed to get pissed?"
Kyo shrugs. It's a fair point.
"Just promise me you'll talk to Honda." Kyo nods. "Gonna need you to say it."
"Okay, okay, I promise."
Haru pats Kyo's head. "Good boy. Now go meet your girl at home."
Kyo fixes his now-ruffled hair and mumbles an awkward thanks as Haru goes inside and shuts the front door behind him.
Kyo goes back to Tohru's with the resolve to do exactly what he and Haru talked about.
But Kyo Sohma is a coward, and he knows it.
Over the next week, Kyo and Tohru develop a new "normal" routine.
They go to work together in the morning. They walk home together in the evening. Kyo cooks, and they watch TV quietly while they eat. They shower and get ready for bed.
Then, they have sex. They tangle themselves together and make each other come undone. They don't say anything before, during, or after—no declarations of love, no dirty talk, just complete silence aside from a few stray gasps or moans that can't be contained. Kyo can't speak for Tohru, of course, but he feels like it's just a way for them to get their frustrations out, at this point. They leave marks on each other, clutch onto each other, tremble together, the whole thing just pure passion and heat, then roll over and go to sleep separately without a word. As much anxiety as it gives him, he also has to admit that it's sort of fun and hot and relaxing sometimes.
The next morning, they get up and do the routine all over again. They don't kiss throughout the day, don't even touch each other unless absolutely necessary, hardly speak to eac other at all.
Kyo hasn't managed to talk to Tohru or his therapist about what's been going on. It makes him feel like a moron, knowing that he can't even bring himself to do that.
At first, he thought that getting physically close to Tohru might help progress their relationship again. Based on what she'd said that first night, she seemed to think so, too. But now, it feels like they've leapt backwards for meters. They've gone from being friends, to dating, to being expectant parents together, and now…what, friends with benefits? But it doesn't feel like there's even really a friendship—just benefits.
The longer it goes on, the more he starts to realize that it's not really fun and hot and relaxing sometimes. Not when he wants more; and not when he hates that he can't seem to have it.
He's always been selfish, after all.
Finally, that next week, he caves.
Sitting across from his therapist, leg bouncing, he watches as she reviews some notes after their normal discussion of how the week went. He'd "forgotten" his journal so they wouldn't have to go over anything about Tohru, but…
"I, uh. I have something to tell you," he blurts.
She looks up from her clipboard. "Oh?" she asks.
Kyo clears his throat, buying a second to gather his courage. He doesn't know how to word it. "I…did something bad."
She leans forward in her chair, clearly ready to listen."Well, let's talk through it. What's up?"
"I, uh…I kissed Tohru. And that somehow led to us having sex."
She blinks a few times, then purses her lips. It's a look Kyo recognizes well from being such a trouble-maker of a child. He's seen the expression on the faces of teachers; elder Sohmas; Yuki, even; and on just one occasion, Kazuma. It's the face of someone who's trying not to lose their shit.
But just as quickly as it morphs onto the therapist's face, it disappears—she's well-trained, apparently.
"Okay. And how do you feel about that?"
"Confused."
"It took you quite a bit to tell me. Were you ashamed, as well, perhaps?"
He ignores her question, his mind clinging onto something else, instead. "Eh? What do you mean 'quite a bit'?"
She doesn't answer that, just shoots another question his way. "Do you think that you and Tohru use physical intimacy to avoid having important conversations?"
"Definitely," he says immediately. As much as he hates to admit it, it's absolutely the truth. This past week has made that abundantly clear, even more so than it already had been.
"Have you thought about mentioning that to Tohru? Do you think she might feel the same way?"
Kyo pauses, narrows his eyes at the therapist. "It kind of sounds like she mentioned this to you, herself."
"Doctor-patient confidentiality," she says simply, but a smile tugs at the corners of her lips.
Kyo can't help but smile back a bit. "Right…" he says slowly.
"If she's not going to take the first step and talk to her, you need to do it. You know that, don't you?"
"Yes."
"She has her reasons for reacting the way she is, just as you have reasons for reacting the way you are. Do you think things will work out if you don't learn how to discuss those reasons with each other?"
Kyo sighs and leans back against the chair he's in. He crosses his arms, as though trying to fold in on himself, make himself smaller in hopes of dodging all the words and emotions coming his way. But ultimately, he knows he has to answer. He has to let himself feel—if Tohru Honda has taught him anything, it's that. "No. And I really, really want it to work out."
"I know. And I'm rooting for you."
"Oh, uh…thank you."
She nods simply. "Do you have any last questions before our time is up?"
"Nah. I think you've given me plenty to do for this week. Thanks."
She laughs lightly as Kyo stands and makes his way to the door. "Fair enough. And anytime."
Despite what he'd just decided on that afternoon, right before bed, Kyo finds himself sitting underneath Tohru. She grinds her hips against his as she kisses down his jaw to his neck, and even as he focuses his breathing to try and practice some self control, it makes his mind go completely blank, his body go completely numb everywhere except where she's touching him. Her normally-freezing fingers feel burning hot enough to brand his skin, and he wouldn't mind; would probably even wear the marks proudly on his shoulders, for some reason.
And although they seem to have agreed on an unspoken rule to stay silent, he finds himself moaning out her name. It just eggs her on, makes her move more quickly.
She bites down on his neck, and he moans."Shit," he hisses. She reaches for his belt, then, and as she takes a moment to fumble unsuccessfully with it, he has time to ground himself. He takes a deep breath and puts his hands on her hips, gently pushing her off of him. "Tohru, Tohru, wait."
Tohru pulls her hands away from him quickly, her eyes widening. He can't tell if it's because he said no, or because that was the first time he's actually said her name in over a week. Probably both.
"We—we have to talk."
She bites her lip, averts her gaze down to the bedspread. She takes a deep breath before answering, her chest heaving with the force of it. "About what?"
He's a little taken aback by that question. About what? She knows damn well; she has to. She's not stupid, not by a long shot, especially when it comes to social interactions. But he humors her anyway, wanting to make sure she doesn't completely shut down before they can talk.
"This," Kyo chokes out, gesturing between the two of them. "What are we doing?"
"Having fun?" she says hesitantly.
"But I…" Kyo takes a deep breath and closes his eyes, recalling what the therapist said earlier. Talk. Feel. "I want more than this," he lets out finally, before he can lose his nerve. Tohru looks back up at him, blinks a few times.
"We always use sex to avoid talking about important things. Like…after we hooked up that first night, and you said you didn't want to talk about it, so we just kept sleeping together over and over again without saying anything. What is that? What am I supposed to think? Please tell me."
Tohru is quiet for a few long moments, then she pulls her knees up to her chest and sighs. "You talked to the therapist, didn't you?"
For a second, Kyo feels a little guilty. Should he not have done that? But… "Well, uh—yeah. I mean, that's what she's for, right?"
"Mm-hmm."
"And besides…it sounds like you talked to her about it, too."
She blinks, clearly a little surprised by that. "She told you?"
"Not exactly. But she also made it pretty obvious. I'd have to be an idiot to not pick up on it."
Tohru hums, nods. "I see."
"She says you have your reasons for not wanting to talk to me. But I can't just leave that alone. So…why didn't you wanna talk about us hooking up? If we want this to work, we have to talk to each other. Even if nothing else happens with us, our kid needs us to be able to do that."
At the mention of the baby, Tohru's tense facial features soften a bit. She rests her palm on her belly. There's no bump yet, but she is filling out a little bit. Kyo wants to put his hand on hers to feel close to his family, but resists the urge; he just clenches his hands into fists instead.
"I'm scared," she chokes out, voice trembling.
"Of what?"
"Us."
Kyo tries to ignore the way disappointment stabs his ribs at that. It's a fair statement—any way she's feeling is fair and valid, after all they've gone through. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt to hear.
"What about us?" he prompts.
Tohru hesitates before answering. "Well, uh. Do you remember what I said the first night we did this?"
Of course. How could he forget it?
Were we ever really meant to be anything less than this, Kyo-kun?
"Yes. Of course."
She bites her lip. "Well…what if we also weren't ever meant to be anything more than this?"
She starts to cry, and all he wants to do is reach out and hold her. And so he starts to, but when she tenses as he moves closer, he drops his hands back to his sides in defeat. "What do you mean?" he whispers.
"W-we went from just tolerating each other at Shigure's, to staring at each other with butterflies and hugging on the balcony and holding hands, to me admitting my feelings and getting shut down. Then we were apart for so long, and suddenly you were back, and when we tried to be together then…it all just blew up in our faces. We've always had chemistry, especially physical…I can admit that now. But I can't lose you emotionally again. It hurts too much."
You won't lose me, not again. Not if we keep putting so much effort in.
We've worked so hard.
Kyo wants to say that, but he doesn't, simply cannot. He just watches her hold her knees to her chest and shake with sobs as he tries to think of a more appropriate response.
"So…do you want to stop trying? Is that what you're saying?"
"I don't know," she whimpers.
Despite himself, Kyo can feel frustration start to well up in his chest. "Then what do you mean? You don't love me anymore?"
"No. Oh my god, no, that's not what I mean."
He can't even take the time to truly process that. Words just keep flowing, each one angrier and sadder than the last. "I'm just someone to fuck?"
"What?! You know me better than that!" The volume of her voice stops him in his tracks. She's shouting. "Kyo, please, just stop and listen for a minute."
After a second, she takes his silence and wide-eyed stare as permission to keep going. "I'm still in love with you. Of course I'm still in love with you. Do you think I'll ever be able to stop loving you?" Kyo's outburst apparently snapped her out of her grief—she's not crying anymore; despite the undertone of shrillness in her voice, she sounds firm. "You're everything to me!"
Kyo takes a deep breath, opens his mouth to respond, but he's cut off.
"Stop. Don't say anything. I'm not done yet. How…how dare you ask if you're just somebody for me to have sex with? How can you say that, after you supported me through the mistakes I made with Asahi?! I'll never do that to someone again, and especially not you, Kyo Sohma! I thought you knew that, but…"
She trails off, and her shoulders begin to tremble again.
"Tohru, I'm sorry…" he whispers after a moment.
"Stop," she pleads. "Just stop. I think you should go home."
He nods a little and stands up off the bed. He grabs his shirt and tugs it on as he talks to her. "Can we, uh. Could we meet up again to talk about this later?"
"Sure."
That's relieving, at least. Even if she's truly only doing it for their baby now, maybe she'll hear him out, let him explain that he's a fucking idiot and why he is that way. Honestly, he's not sure he knows why, himself; but he sure as hell needs to figure it out, he realizes now.
On the way to the genkan, he pauses and glances around, trying to think of anything she might need while he's gone. He's sure she's not getting out of bed for a bit. His eyes settle on the fridge. First, he grabs the bottle of Tylenol off the top of it, then opens it and grabs a couple bottles of water. He grabs the bag of peppermints she's been using for morning sickness out of the pantry.
Tohru jumps at the sound of his footsteps entering her room again, but she doesn't look up. He takes a deep breath in an attempt to steady himself, then sets the medication, candies, and water down.
"Bye," he whispers, then leaves for real.
When he gets back to his apartment, he closes the front door behind him, then sinks down onto the floor with his back pressed against the cool wood.
Finally, he cries. He was too shell shocked to do so while he was still at Tohru's place. He couldn't comprehend everything that was happening, everything he'd said that had hurt her, everything he was feeling. But now…now he's starting to see things for what they really are—he fucked up again, he might have said those things semi-intentionally to get a reaction out of her as strong as the one he'd been feeling, and he feels broken. Just utterly and completely shattered.
What's wrong with them? Surely there has to be something. What sane person does anything like that?
He buries his face in his hands.
The next morning, Kyo drags himself out of bed. It's a workday, but he doesn't know if he can bear to go in. But then again, he doubts Tohru will be there, either; both of them calling in would cause his dad to ask a lot of questions next week, none of which he'll feel up to answering, he's sure.
So he forces himself to plan to go to work. This is the least he can do for Tohru, he figures—spare her from having to be interrogated next time she sees Kazuma by answering for her now. If she decides not to quit in order to avoid Kyo, that is.
He packs his gym bag, gets dressed, then heads into the bathroom to finish getting ready. He glances into the mirror as he runs his toothbrush under the tap, then groans. He looks awful. He's got splotches of red outlining his eyes and drifting down to his cheeks. It's obvious he spent the whole night crying.
Then, for a brief second, he does something odd: he wishes Kagura were here.
A morning a couple years ago, right after Tohru's accident, Kagura came over to try and talk Kyo into actually going to school. She caught him crying in his room, then did something unexpected; she softened her voice, gently tugged Kyo's arm, and got him up and into the bathroom.
Digging around in her bag, she asked, "Are you going to school?"
"Do I look well enough to go to school?" he'd shot back, voice hoarse. He hated acting so vulnerable in front of Kagura, figuring it would just be ammo for her to tease him later. She didn't mention it, though, and never has since, either.
"Will you go if I can make your face look better? I bet you just don't want anyone to see you after you've been crying."
"That's not it…"
"It's definitely part of it, though."
Finally successful in finding what she wanted, she pulled out a small cosmetics case. She held it up into Kyo's line of sight. "Let me help you?" she asked, voice still small.
"Whatever," he groaned. She pushed his shoulders back until he was leaning against the counter. A few minutes and an odd mixture of different concealer shades later, she nudged him until he turned around and looked in the mirror. He couldn't even tell he'd been crying, and although he felt like an idiot having makeup on, he couldn't tell that he was even wearing it, either.
He sniffled, then turned back to Kagura, who was wearing a soft smile. "You're good at this."
She raised her eyebrow. "Did you just compliment me, Kyo?"
"Shut up," he said, voice still tight but also now laced with a small laugh. "Or you'll never hear one again."
No one mentioned his looks at school that day, so looking back on it now, he supposes it worked.
Would it work at the dojo too? If he calls her, she'll probably come do it again…
Kyo shakes his head, then shoves his toothbrush into his mouth to distract himself. His dad and Kunimitsu know him too well for that. Plus, then he'd have to explain what's going on to Kagura.
That's most definitely a bridge he's not ready to cross, and probably never will be.
When he gets to the dojo, Kyo tries to be quiet when he slips inside, wanting a few more minutes of peace before having to deal with his dad and Kunimitsu, but the sound of his shoes being lined up in the genkan draws attention.
"Hey," Kunimitsu says, peeking his head into the entryway. Then he raises an eyebrow. "Huh? No Tohru-kun today?"
"Nope," Kyo says simply, hiking his bag up higher on his shoulder and heading toward the bathroom to change.
"Is she okay?"
"Yup. Just not feeling great." Kyo shrugs. "You know."
Kunimitsu cringes. "It's all really starting to hit her now, huh?"
"Yeah. She's about to be in her second trimester, though, so the doctor says it should get better soon."
"Well, that's good. Hopefully she'll be feeling well enough to come in tomorrow. It's weird without her here."
Kyo freezes. It is weird without her here, he realizes. When did it become that way? Tohru has always had a grip on him, always been all over him, but when did she become such an integral part of even his workplace?
She's everywhere.
He bites back a sigh and starts walking toward the bathroom again. "Yeah. Hope so."
Chapter title from "Hazy" by Rosi Golan, feat. William Fitzsimmons
