Chapter 61: Made Fool of Yet Again
"Yes, that's correct...," Ralph finally breathed out gently, doing his best not to lose his composure. He attempted to casually lean up against the light pole, forcing his eyes off the kitten again as he peered upwards to see his collar sway backward slightly. "It is just me today on, uh, the bomb squad," he answered the kitten's further questioning, refusing to look back down at her. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to -"
"Hey, are you a hobo?" The kitten suddenly interrupted him to ask, rolling over onto her black back, her white patched tummy fully exposed. She innocently blinked up at Ralph, seeming completely unaware of how rude her question was.
Sincerely taking aback, Ralph whipped his head back down to stare down at her for a moment, his mouth hung open in shock.
This kitten was bold and rude, but that bold and rude? To a big, strong, could-be-a-bad-dog like him, nonetheless?
"No, I am not a hobo!" the dog hissed at the kitten ridiculously, gawking down at her lack of self-awareness. He shook his head slightly and looked back up in aggravation. "But I am busy, ok? So, you-you go home already-"
"What's that, didn't hear ya," the cat interrupted again, smirking even wider than before as she playfully pawed the air. "Your breath's so bad it made my ears numb!"
Jerking his head downwards again to gawk at her, Ralph scrunched his eyebrows and again. He forcefully gulped back a low, mean-dog growl. Is this kitten really that stupid, or just that smart-alecky?
As she continued to bat her long, dainty eyelashes and petite, perfectly round paws up at him, Ralph suddenly felt like he was more than tempted to step on this kitten; after all, he wasn't blind to the fact that just one huge paw of his would be sufficient enough to crush that big head of hers.
Instead of following through with that plan (which he decided would make him that much more of a bad dog, even if he felt valid enough to be), the mastiff forced himself to take another shaky deep breath and look straight into the kitten's eyes.
"Listen," he began, his voice steady and firm, yet blunt, "I try to be nice-"
" 'I try to be nice!' " The kitten suddenly mimicked him, poorly making her voice to be as rough and low as Ralph's was.
The dog stared down her, his mouth hung open again in a complete stupor at what he had just heard. "You're mimicking me-"
" 'You're mimicking me!' " The kitten copied again, her high, raspy voice nowhere near sounding just like Ralph as she scrunched her face in further mock imitation of him.
This is ridiculous! The dog further thought exasperatedly. How old is this kitten?!
Nonetheless, Ralph gulped again and held his head up high, making his mind clear. He was the adult animal here- and he needed to show it, no matter how immature the kitten was acting.
Besides, she clearly was just trying to get under his skin, and Ralph was not going to let that happen- especially not by a cat.
"Okay-"
"'Okay!'"
"That is rude, and this conversation is over!" Ralph forced out, although the kitten was already mimicking him again.
"...'and this conversation is over!'"
Ignoring her, Ralph then purposely and roughly pushed up against the street pole, causing the pole to sway back with his force yet again. He discreetly eyed up as his collar slid back more towards the middle...before sliding back towards the very edge of the light fixture again as the pole swayed, the collar tauntingly even closer to falling off now.
"Oh, I wouldn't bang against that light pole if I were you..." the kitten suddenly warned, righting herself up. Calmly and cooly, she walked back towards her original post on the doorstep, nonchalantly examining her front paws as she did.
Rolling his eyes at her again, Ralph then realized she was walking away from him. He had the offhand thought that maybe she was actually and finally leaving him alone- before he regrettably saw her sit back down on the porch step, the cat smirking widely and cynically as she did.
Disappointed, Ralph sighed and, dismissing her warning altogether, banged against the light stand once more, watching as his collar swayed backward.
"I'm from the bomb squad," he told the kitten confidently, looking over at her with a mock look of authority. "I think I know what I'm doing-"
But his words and confidence were cut short as the long lightbulb inside the light fixture far above them suddenly broke off and came sailing down, causing the immediate area around the two animals to become dark again. The light bulb collided onto the ground with a large and loud crash, sending broken pieces of glass shooting into a million different directions.
Yelping and leaping backward out of the way, Ralph ducked down as low as he could as he nearly rammed into the dead scorpion.
"You hit against a light pole too hard, the lightbulb will come out, ga-doi!" The kitten smirked at Ralph from the safety upon the doorpost, rolling her eyes demeaningly at him as she did. "Besides, Bomb Boy, why would'cha bang against somethin' that hard that could possibly have an 'explosive' by it? Are you really that stupid?!"
As she cackled loudly, Ralph growled low in annoyance and in embarrassment as he flattened his ears up against his head. Refusing to accept he'd been schooled by a cat (or caught in yet another lie), he looked back up to see where his collar was on the light fixture, completely unable to see it now.
The mastiff cautiously made his way around the broken glass, bearly able to see the ground in front of him. Straining with his eyes upwards the best he could, Ralph tripped over his huge paws occasionally.
"Hey, why are your paws so freakishly big?" The cat bluntly asked, noticing Ralph's large paws for the first time all night despite the low light.
"Oh, I don't know," Ralph snapped back, still desperately trying to spot his collar on the light pole as he forgot all about being the 'mature' one. "Why are you so freakishly annoying?!" He shrugged pointedly at her.
The kitten sneered back him, a glimpse of content in her eyes. Is it just me, Ralph pondered with narrowed eyes, or does this kitten seem to enjoy this pointless banter?
"Well, why are you so freakishly-," The kitten began as she rolled her eyes upwards. As she did, she suddenly stopped and gasped silently as she stared up...and Ralph immediately knew just what her eyes had landed on.
"Sweet mother of milk bone!" The cat crowed as she animatedly stood up on her paws, her already large eyes now the size of proverbial saucers. "A collar...with-with shiny tags on it!" She bounced on her tiny paws for a second, joyful for a whole new reason. She glowed as a wide, jovial, greedy smile filled her face.
No, Ralph gulped out as his eyes danced between her and the collar far above them apparently was. She...she wants that collar? For herself?!
In gut-wrenching desperation, he danced his way around the shards of glass faster than before and growled viciously as possible at the kitten. "Don't even think about it, that collar is mine!"
Undeterred, the kitten kneeled down, just ready to spring up half a second later. "Race ya for it!"
Before Ralph could stop her in any way, the tiny kitten zipped up and onto a small window ledge of the house, then jumped onto the longer next one over, placed a little higher than the previous window sill. From there she hoped on a tall wooden fence separating two of the little square buildings, a fence Ralph hadn't even noticed had been there before.
Using her long tail like balancing pole, the cat walked along the fence for a moment, then sprung onto a branch from a tall tree growing on the other side of the fence. Hoping from one limb to the next, she proceeded to climb higher and higher, and faster and faster up the tree.
She moved with such agility and ease, it was almost scary to Ralph...but not as scary as it was to him as when he saw that one long branch in the tall tree just happened to meet up with the top of the light pole where his collar was hanging...
Springing in action, the mastiff forgot about all the glass pieces littering the ground and rushed over to the light pole, standing up on his hind feet to his full towering height as he leaned up against it with his full weight.
"Hey, hey!" he desperately barked at the kitten to stop. "No, it's not whoever gets it down first get the collar, 'cause it's mine! It's mine! You hear me?!?"
The kitten ignored him, continuing her ascension up the tree as she grunted in effort here and there. The huge tree nearly seemed to swallow her whole with its big leaves, and for a time, Ralph completely lost sight of her, her mostly dark fur blending right into the dark night air and shadows.
Growling in frustration, the mastiff finally caught a small, quick glimpse of the kitten, thanks to the other street pole's glowing light nearby. Now seeing that she was close to being about halfway up the tree, Ralph backed off the pole.
Seeing the need to be the first to get that collar down now more than ever, the mastiff began banging up against the pole as hard as he could, silently begging the collar to come down. The collar above him violently slid this way and that on the light fixture, at times towards the tip of the edge before it went sliding back towards the top of the pole at his pushing and banging.
The kitten, meanwhile, finally got to the high branch that met up with the top of the pole. Racing down the tall branch with such grace that arguably only a cat could have, the kitten balanced as the branch got thinner and thinner near its tip.
Noticing how close she was now to the light pole, and his collar, Ralph far below her pushes against the pole even harder in one last desperate attempt to get his collar down himself. Unfortunately, this one last pushing caused the collar to go sliding back the fixture... and right into the outstretched paw of the kitten.
With a faint snap of the clasp, the collar was now snapped off the fixture completely as the pole wobbled back into a straight up position.
"The winner!" The kitten cheered and gloated as she held the collar securely in her paw.
In pure horror, Ralph abandoned his place by the pole as he raced towards the tree the kitten was in. "Give it back, you little brat!" he screeched as he did, accidentally and haphazardly side-swiping the other light pole placed in his path.
At that impact, Ralph was thrown a little off course and, tripping over his large paws again, he ended up stumbling and tripping...right into the sticky, gooey mud that most of the scorpion was still lying dead in.
