Chapter 7: Grief and Gravestones
The wind was bitterly cold as the wintery breath cascaded the hillside, pulling clouds further across the dark sky blocking out more of the sparse fall light. Raph paid the cold no mind as he stood staring at the two graves before him. The first was a simple stone monument adorned with the sign of the hamato clan and a figurine of an all so familiar rat, posed with the cane held out in front of him. The second, much more recent stone, was all adorned with the family name and a stone figurine this one of a turtle holding two swords skillfully out in front of him in a fighting stance that was all so familiar to Raph.
The normally abrasive hothead sank to his knees a heartbreaking sob breaking forth from his lips in utter despair as he clutched a worn blue cloth to his chest.
In that moment he would have given the world for more time, one more day, one more moment, with his big brother. He hadn't had the chance to say goodbye. To tell his only older brother how much he loved him, how much he looked up to him, how much..how much he was going to miss him.
"Shell" the curse came out teary and broken.
"I swear Leo, I will keep our brothers safe, I ain't ever going to let anything happen to them. Ever" Raph's voice was serious and solemn. He had lost one brother, and the pain had been nearly unbearable, is still nearly unbearable and he was sure as shell going to do everything within his power to ensure the protection of his remaining brothers.
Vision blurry, Raph stared at the cold stone grave. In his opinion the figurine did little to embody what Leo was, who he was. The warrior in stone represented Leo as the Fearless Leader they all knew, but Leo was so much more than that. The mother hen who had always been there to care and check up on them. The Fearless Leader to lead them out of trouble, no matter what the odds. The strategist and leader of the team who always came up with the plans, having a plan a, b, c and d for nearly every situation. He was their older brother they could always come to with their fears, pain and problems. The one who quieted their tears and scared the monsters away. Leo was his brother and his friend and his hero. And now he was gone.
Raph felt hot angry tears assault his eyes, his heart so full of pain and loss it felt as though it might explode.
Fists clenched pulling angrily at old grass as a torrent of emotions warred inside the grieving turtle.
It's not fair! it's not fair! The mantra repeated inside Raph's mind as the tears continued to flow. He didn't want to be the leader, not like this. There may have been a time where he'd wanted the title of leader, may have envied his brother. But then he had tasted the bitter responsibilities of leadership and he hated it! His jealousy, envy and resentment had slowly turned to compassion and understanding. After that fight with Snakeweed where he froze up and Mikey got hurt, he understood the price of leadership and the burden his brother carried. He'd watched Leo, through the tirade of troubles their path had led his brother had always done everything it took to see them through. Raph had never envied Leo after that, heck if anything he looked up to the guy. He may have called him Fearless in jest: a nickname to get under 'Mr. Perfect's' skin, but it didn't mean that Raph didn't believe it. In his eyes Leo was fearless, that didn't mean his brother didn't have fears or problems of his own, he just faced them. He did what he needed to do even in the face of fear and trial; he always saw a fight through to the end, and to Raph that made his brother fearless.
Tears stung at Raph's eyes, blurring the name of the cold uncaring grave before him. He didn't want to be the leader. He couldn't fill his brother's shoes. He didn't want to fill his brother's shoesBut he'd promised Leo, promised he'd lead if anything ever..
Leo had believed in him. Trusted him. Thought he'd made a good leader. And that was as humbling as hell.
He'd lead. For Leo he'd lead. He'd carry their brothers. He was strong, strong enough to carry them. After all they aren't heavy, their his brothers.
A sob stuck in his chest, the pain and loss. It hurt! It was like an empty void where the pain just seemed to echo on and on. He'd heard once that loss was love with nowhere to go.
Raph had always felt deeper than most, that's where his anger came from. His fire was fueled by emotions, by love and devotion. Leo had said it made him a good fighter and that it would one day make him a good leader, he just needed to learn how to channel that energy, focus and control it instead of letting it control him.
Right now, he couldn't give a damn about controlling anything. He wanted to hunt down and destroy the person responsible for his brother's death. He wanted no needed to do something. Anything! To make this right. It just hurt, it hurt so much.
A guttural scream of anguish tore from his core, as his pain, fear, anger, regret, heartache and sorrow was voiced in a heartbroken cry that echoed through the woods that lay just passed the farmhouse. Raph slammed his fist into the ground, and cursed he cursed Stockman for the fire, he cursed Leo for dying, he cursed himself for not being there. He cursed and screamed and cried! He cried like a baby! But he didn't care. He didn't care who saw or heard. His brother was gone and he wasn't' coming back and that truth hurt more than anything.
"Raph" Mikey's voice was soft as his younger brother's hand settled on his shoulder. His two brothers coming to kneel at either side of him before the grave.
"I miss him too" Donnie's voice sounded tired and worn.
"I know" Raph answered, and he did know he knew his brothers were just as torn up inside with grief as he was.
"I don't know," Mikey said after a long moment of silence. "I can't help but feel that he's still alive.."
"Mikey" Donnie's voice was tied.
"There was no body Dee '' Mikey's bright blue eyes showed with tears. "And, it's more than that. I feel it" Mikey tapped his chest. "I feel it in here, that Leo's not gone, that Leo's not gone".
Donnie closed his eyes, tears slipping past the closed lids his shoulders shaking. They'd had this conversation many times, but nothing they said seemed to change Mikey's mind.
"I'm never going to give up" Mikey's voice was soft but firm. "Never going to give up the hope that Leo is still alive, that Leo will return. You might not understand and that's okay" tears shimmered in baby blue eyes. "I know in my heart that Leo is still alive. I feel it! Leo always trusted my instinct, and I know it is not scien scientific, it's not logical , maybe not even all that sane! But nothing you can say can change my mind, can make me stop hoping." Mikey paused for a moment, the weight of his words hanging heavily in the air. "But that doesn't mean I don't understand. I know you need, that we need to grieve for Leo. Your right Don, we need that and Leo deserves that. This was good, and Leo would..like it here. With dad. Maybe Leo is gone. Maybe he did die in the fire. He could be looking down on us from Heaven right now, with caring Sapphire eyes and wanting us to move on. When we die, we're never truly gone. Not really. And maybe that's what I'm feeling. But maybe, just maybe, Leo isn't gone."
Raph let out a sigh, letting the words hang in the air between his brothers. Donnie relaxed letting the issue lie at peace, Mikey on his other side similarly fell silent letting the issue drop his peace said. Raph closed his eyes letting his own tension and apprehension dissipate before draping an arm around his two younger brothers and bringing them in close.
Grief was love with nowhere to go. Four were now three. Things were not good, they were far from good. Things were broken, shattered and torn. Their family was broken, their hearts were shattered and their resolve was torn. But through the storm of grief they had each other. Their brotherly love could shelter them through this storm. Together they could learn to carry on. And in their hearts, they would always carry the love and memory of their brother with them. In their hearts and minds Leonardo would always live on.
Authors Note:
Wow, that was a hard chapter. Sappy, sad and short, but boy it felt long.
I just needed to check in with the brothers. Just to reiterate, time is kinda a fluid factor in this story. I apologize if it's confusing. As of right now a little over a month has passed since the fire for both the brothers and Peter.
Just a heads up this is going to be a longer story that I usually write, this chapter is about at the quarter mark of what I'm aiming for this story. Please continue to let me know your thoughts, questions and comments. :)
Please comment!
God bless.
