Chapter 9: To dance and remember
Life can be a funny thing. One minute everything you know can seem right, organized and clear and the next minute it's a clear disaster that you don't understand, and can't comprehend.
"This just can't be my life?!"
This is an exclamation I relate to on a daily basis. But then again I have amnesia, so I honestly don't know if this should be my life or not. I just woke up one day with no idea where I was, or even who I was. But since the beginning there has been one considency I could depend on: my brother. From the moment I woke up he was there. I don't remember him, I have no memories of him. I have no idea who he is or what our relationship was like before I lost my memory. Yet he doesn't seem to mind. He's been there since the beginning, patient and not at all disheartened in my lack of memory.
It's overwhelming not knowing who you are, or anything about your past. My daily catharsis comes in a form of dance. A deadly dance. I don't know where it comes from, though it is woven into my foundation. A part of me.
There were days after I had woken up, where I just felt overwhelmed. I was trying desperately to weave myself to fit into a life that just didn't seem like it was my own. In short I felt as though I was trying to squeeze into a pair of shoes that didn't fit. I didn't know who I was. I didn't know where I belonged. And trying to be who I 'was supposed to be' was like swimming against the current. I felt as though I was trying to fit into someone else's life.
One day when I felt too overwhelmed by it all I slipped away from my well meaning sibling for some space and sanctity of mind. I don't know what drew me there, but I found myself at an old dojo. No one was there. I knew I was of Japanese descent, Baxter told me I had been adopted from infancy. But it's not like I had any more connection to my blood family than to the one I had unintentionally forgotten. But here I was standing in this empty dojo, a product of just trying to slip away from it all. So that's what I did. I turned off my mind, my worries. I just tuned out the world. I felt at peace. I felt confident and calm. I felt more myself than I had since waking up with amnesia.
It started with a step. Just a slight shift of the foot. It was though part of me so deeply ingrained within me was following a set of movements that had been practiced over and over and honed to perfection. Before I knew it I was sliding into a deadly dance, one that I felt as though I had danced for a lifetime. I was jumping and kicking, and rolling away from imaginary enemies. It was though I had unlocked a secret part of me. Revealed a part of me not forgotten but currently closed off. I don't know how long I spent in my own little world before the doors of the dojo opened and my brother walked in.
"Peter where have you been? You can't just run off like that!" I turned to give my older overprotective brother a reassuring smile.
Stopping in his footsteps my brother stood mouth agape staring at me, before it slowly closed and fell into a slight smirk. "Well I'll-be, I guess some things you just can't forget" Baxter shook his head making his way over to me. "Should have known with muscle memory and all"
"Are you disappointed in me?" I ask a twinge of apprehension and guilt slipping in as I sensed an undercurrent of anxiety and fear rolling within him.
The older let out a breath, his gaze seeming to wander to something far more distant than the opposite wall. "No..it's just..there are some things...you don't need to remember..things I don't want you to remember ...things I need you to forget" His voice was serious, his brown eyes boring into my sapphire ones.
I let out a breath, the seriousness of his words taking root in my mind. I had known for a while now, that there were parts of my.. of our past he was leaving out. I knew he walked a new path now, though it doesn't take a genius like him to figure out that he had once been associated with less than honest characters and probably had a few skeletons in his closet. Because of my head injury from the incident I couldn't remember my past, and part of me was grateful for that. Maybe I didn't want to remberer. Unlike my brother who was haunted by dreams about Shredder and the foot, I had no memories of my past for better or for worse. But if my innate skill with ninjutsu was anything to go off of, there was a high possibility my past was just as wrapped up with Shredder and his goons in one way or another, as my brothers' was.
"Am I..was I.. a bad guy?" I fidgeted with my fingers "in my old life" my words seemed to drop onto the dojo mat like a forgotten whisper of wind.
Suddenly a hand was on my shoulder, sincere brown eyes staring into mine reflecting only compassion, honesty and care. "No, you were actually the most honourable ninja I have ever met." with an eye roll he continued "though man, that annoyed me to no ends! You'd never let me get away with anything!"
I let out a horse laugh. I could honestly believe that. Everything within me abhorred injustice, and I have no doubt that if faced with a moral dilemma I would be compelled to do what was honorable and just, even if it hurt everything. Yet at the exact same time I felt a deeply ingrained fire to protect, provide and care for my family! Though I had to laugh, as the younger brother of the two of us with no memories of my own past, I often felt as though I had a lifetime experience of being the oldest brother, with a lot on his plate. Suddenly I was engulfed in a purple sweater as Baxter wrapped me up in a hug.
"Your all the family I have Peter"
I hugged him back just as tightly "your all I have too Baxter"
Pulling away again, the definition of seriousness written in the face of my older brother, his hand on my shoulder. "I just can't lose you, you've got to understand that. There's some things you just won't understand."
I pondered that for a moment, considering responding or not.
"Were Stockmen, the two of us, Peter and Baxter. We are all the other has. I haven't been in contact with anyone from the old foot since the Shredder died..but there are others out there..others who would take you away from me. That's why we left the city...I can't really explain..you just gotta trust me on this little brother"
I took a deep breath. I knew he was telling the truth. My brother never lied to me. Baxter had turned over a new stone. We had moved to a small town shortly after I had recovered enough from the incident to be released from the hospital. It was a fresh start for my brother and I knew he was serious about starting anew.
"Do you trust me Peter?"
"I trust you brother"
