Chapter 25: Week One Reflection


Breath in.

Breath out.

I centered my spirit, finding inner peace as I let the warring emotions inside of me and the growing anxiety from the last hectic week drift away.

One week. I can't believe it has already been a week. A small part of me feels like it's been a lot longer, and I can't help but wonder if a part of me never left this place.

A smile spread over my face as the tea kettle whistled. Pulling myself out of my meditation I uncross my legs and head over to the kitchen to fix myself my morning tea. I have fallen into a routine here. It's quiet in the mornings like this. Like my routine with Baxter I'm the first one awake in the mornings. Before the brothers wake up, I run through my morning Katas and spend some time in meditation before pouring a cup of Jasmine tea and waiting for the brothers to wake up. It's a nice slice of normalcy that has helped keep me emotionally and spiritually balanced. I'm still struggling with everything but I'm trying to keep it to myself. Although I'm growing more comfortable with the brother's I'm still working on building a relationship with them and after everything that happened with Baxter I have a bit of a trust issue.

Despite my hidden apprehensions, things have been rather good since coming here and I can't help but feel as though I've fallen into a rhythm, like finding my place in the puzzle of their lives. I take another sip of tea, breathing in the steam to calm my nerves. Things haven't always been blue skies and sunshine since coming home though. There've been awkward moments too, like when they gave me a tour of the house.

I let out a groan at the memory, although I was excited to see the home of the people who called me family, it didn't escape my notice that whenever we approached a room that held some kind of significance for me they all seemed to hold their breath and watch me all that much closer. Like the pinball machine it reminded me of all that they'd been through.

Their gazes were all that more intense when they showed me the dojo. Although I had been impressed, I did not show them how excited and comfortable the room made me feel. I could tell how much they were all hoping that the tour would trigger a memory and part of me was hoping for the same thing to happen. But I am also not naive, it's been a year and besides a dream of foggy snippets and mussel memory I have no more memories of my past. I'm not sure when or if, I'll tell them about my muscle memory or dream; not only because of my own insecurities but also because I'm afraid it would only hurt them more.

Being shown my old room had been the part of the tour I was most anxious about. From Mikey, Donnie and Raph's reactions the dojo had evidently been a place I'd spent a lot of time or at least had some connection to; hence my ingrained natural reflexes and ninja skills, but for me my old bedroom held the most potential of triggering an old memory or at least revealing more about my past self. The room was fairly simple, a bed, a dresser, a night stand. The walls were decorated with japanese artwork. A small bookshelf in the room was littered with books of japanese poetry and history along with The Art of War.. The part that struck me the most about the simple bed room were the pictures that covered most of the wall and dresser. A lump formed in my throat at the sight. Seeing the three of them interact together I could tell how close the family was but seeing four in a cascade of pictures in my old room spoke so highly of a closely knit family; a family that contained me. It was such an odd sensation seeing a picture of a blue masked turtle with sapphire eyes that I'd seen in the mirror a million times.

I let out another breath, closing my eyes. I feel like I learned a lot about my old self staying in that room this last week. My backpack carries tidbits of the identity I've created this last year: my police badge, my favorite blue shirts, a can of Mrs. Tribonies favorite pizza sauce, but the item that holds the most significance to who I am is my journal. It contains drawings, pictures and notes mostly centered around memories with Baxter, my "brother". I let out a sarcastic pss shaking my head before taking another sip. Even back when Baxter was lying to me, family had been the center of who I was. Looking at my old room, I have a feeling it has always been that way. I had found a cubby hole, a secret stow away, where my past self hid keepsakes and treasures. There had been hundreds of sketches there, not much different than what I did in my notebook. Most of these sketches were of Raph, Donnie and Mikey. There's also many of April and Casey, though a few happen to reflect some of the adventures mentioned in Mikey's crazy stories; some of the sketches pertained to aliens, and a man who I assume is shredder, there are a few of a girl, though I'm not sure who, and a few even take place in space of all things. With each picture I feel like I'm learning more about who I used to be.

I know that the test results from the blood test Donnie ran should be done any day now. I don't need any proof that these incredible individuals are my brothers, I already believed it the moment I met Mikey. It's taken a while to process, but I never not believed it. These last few days things have begun to shift. Subtly I started looking at Mikey, Donnie and Raph not as 'the brothers' but as 'my brothers'. I'm not sure when that started to happen, but I'm not going to fight it. It's more than just wanting to belong, I feel like I am beginning to belong.

The jasmine tea warms my throat and I can't help but humm in complacency. I breathe in the warm steam of the tea, letting the scent soothe me. Routine with the brothers has been easy and natural, like I'm slowly finding my rhythm.

Since the first day it has been easy with Mikey. Pure sunshine, my youngest brother can always seem to make me smile. Since I've been here, we've played many video games, bonded over Crognard the Barbarian and a few of his other favorite shows, gone skateboarding and have just bonded. I've also learned, much to much amusement, that I'm the only one with immunity to Mikey's puppy dog eyes. Yes, he's growing comfortable coming to me to talk about literally anything and I've even broken up a fight or two between him and Raph but those big baby blue puppy-dog eyes don't work on me.

Raph has helped me keep my rhythm. After that second day, I found him in the dojo plumbing the punching bag. Asking him if he needed a spotter, things just fell into place. On the police force I'd worked out with several of the other officers. But with Raph it was different, he just seemed to open up with me. He talked, I talked. At first his constant hovering protection was enduring but slightly suffocating. Then I learned our own rhythm of competition, but finding this openness between us is like something I've never experienced. I've never had a best friend before.

I've been growing close with Mikey and Raph but with Donnie..it still feels like there's this chasm there. Which is ironic, he's the only one of my brothers I have even the faintest memory of, yet he seems like the farthest away.

He'd been driving himself crazy trying to find a cure for the retromutagen. I've seen Baxter obsess over a project before and I can tell Donnie has similar tendencies, but this..this is deeper than that. I fear he blames himself for what happened. I..I did call him after all...the night of the fire. I haven't asked him and I'm not sure how to. But I don't want him hurting himself over something that was out of his control. Things may be harder with Donnie but it doesn't have to be. After all, bonding over things we have in common has been one of the easiest steps with getting to know Raph and Mikey, it could be the same with Donnie. I let out a breath. Donnie's obviously a genius and although his understanding greatly surpasses mine, living with Baxter has given me enough of a knowledge base to hold some kind of conversation with the genius. So far I've only been in his lab that one time, minus all the other times I've had to drag him away from his work to get a decent night's sleep. It might be time I tried bonding with Donnie over science.


Authors Note: for those who are wondering, yes, the sketches Peter is referencing to, are the sketches that appear at the end of each TMNT episode in the 2012 series. I have always wondered which of the brothers drew them and in this story, I'm imagining it's our fearless leader.

-Comments are welcome and encouraged :) Please let me know what you're thinking.