Chapter 27: Scars
Hello, sorry it took so long to post this chapter. My summer got busy and preoccupied. Hope you enjoy this next chapter.
The sound of fists hitting canvas echoed through the dojo, my foot slid back for more traction as I held the canvas bag still as Raph continued to assault the punching bag. I was glad Raph took my offer when I asked if he wanted a spotter. It seems as though the red banded turtle's way of working through his emotions was through physical assertion. With everything that has happened lately, there is no doubt that he has a lot to work through, we all do. I'm glad that my brother feels comfortable letting me in. The last few times he's asked me to be his spotter we've talked about things. Although I know it's not the real root of the problem, the things he really wants or needs to talk about it's still progress. I'm not ready to let down all my walls and am grateful he hasn't pushed about the last year. We're still building our relationship, still getting to know each other, and bond as brothers.
"So.." Raph asked, halting his movements as he grabs a towel sinking down onto the bench. "Ur it was real quiet today." I blink at the comment. It has been, usually Mikey keeps a near constant dialogue, but after finding out about my scars yesterday he's been unusually quiet, almost somber. I'd hoped that after a good night's sleep, Mikey would perk back up and go back to being his energetic self. Contrary to my hope the usually ray of sunshine was nothing short of a little quiet rain cloud, and has been my constant shadow, hovering by my side in silent support though not as huggy and touchy as he usually has been. The whole new dynamic is honestly a little overwhelming. I had gotten used to loud, energetic and clingy Mikey, I didn't know how to take this new side of him. And from Raph and Donnie's worried attitude, it's obvious they don't know how to either.
I let out a sigh, I knew Donnie and Raph would pick up on Mikey's behavior sooner or later.
"Peter" Raph's voice was soft and I looked up to see two fiery green eyes staring into mine. "Is there anything you want to talk about?"
I felt my throat tighten and my eyes well up because, yeah there was a lot I wanted to talk about. I felt so overwhelmed with everything I felt like I was a volcano just waiting to blow its top, but at the same time I can't exactly dump all of that on them. They may be my brothers but I'm technically still getting to know them. I'm just not ready for them to know everything yet. Everything about me.
Eyes drifting to the carpeted floor I feel the hair on my forehead swish as I shake my head. "No Raph, everythings fine" I lie.
I look up to meet frustrated fiery green eyes burning with irritation. "Everythings fine?" he echoes, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "Mikey's been oddly quiet since yesterday, you've known Mikey long enough to know that he's the opposite from quiet. Plus we've seen the way he's been hovering around you. He's acting like he's afraid you're going to shatter."
I look away, guilt seeping through me at the concern in Raph's voice. They shouldn't be concerned about me like this. I hate that Mikey saw my scars, he wasn't supposed to see, none of them were. I'm not delusional. I know how precarious everything is right now: my life, my new found family, everything could be destroyed by my secrets. The secrets I hold, about the fire about Baxter. It could destroy everything! I know how deep Raph's hatred for Baxter runs, why would he want his amnestic brother around after everything that mad scientist had put them through. As much as I loathed to admit it, I have ties to Baxter. Ties that could tear this family apart. My scars were only the start of it. I didn't want them to know I remembered the fire. I had no memories of anything. Why do I have to remember the fire?! Why couldn't I remember them?!
I had another nightmare. I hadn't had them since coming here. But after tucking Donnie into bed last night; I fell asleep to find myself back in the warehouse, with the fire reaching out toward me in evil delight, dancing around my vision, the groaning of the quaking warehouse loud in my ears. I had woken with phantom pains of fire running up my arms and sides.
I jump as a strong hand rests on my shoulders. The physical contact pulling me away from my dark thoughts and memories with a start. Raph pulls back his hand suddenly, as though he's been burned. Hurt flashing across his face before his eyes widen further in alarm.
"Le.."
"Never fear Casey Jones is here!" a loud boisterous voice bellows from the living room. I let out a breath of relief turning on my heels to flee from the uncomfortable situation in the dojo, and instead retreat to greet the welcome interruption.
"Casey" my smile is forced, as I link my fingers together to keep my hands from shaking. "What are you doing here?"
"Yeah" Raph narrows his eyes at his friends, and I can feel my brother's worried gaze on my back. I turn my head at the sound of the mettle lab door sliding open to see Mikey bounding out followed by a frustrated and concerned Donetello.
"Casey" Mikey smiles. "Hey dude perfect timing, it's good to see you"
Casey smiles, ignoring the cold looks Raph and Donnie are shooting at him, and I can't help but wonder if Donnie was grilling Mikey for answers on his odd behavior. I wince silently to myself. I really needed to talk to my brothers about my scars, and boy that was going to be a hard and awkward conversation. Especially considering the tightrope I need to walk concerning opening that can of worms. I'm not sure how much I should tell them, and how soon. I don't want to start our relationship with secrets, but I don't want to hurt them either, and the emotional baggage I carry feels very heavy.
"I just swung over cause I figured Peter was probably running low on clean clothes." I barely have time to comprehend the sentence before a canvas bag is thrown my way.
"Huff" Opening the bag I smile at the half dozen pairs of socks. I had been walking around barefoot the last few days after someone turned all mine into sock puppets.
"Thank you Casey" I smile nodding politely, "that was very considerate." I start sorting through the bag feeling grateful at the gift, as well as a little bashful. Yes, some spare clothes would be useful, I didn't leave home with much and, the barely used washer my brothers own is quite temperamental to say the least.
I half listen to the conversation going on around me, and suddenly my hands slow as I pull out of the bag a shirt I was sure I'd seen before. From the rips in the sleeves and the well-worn feel of the cotton material it was fairly obvious that this was a much beloved shirt.
"Casey are you sure?" I ask, the sentiment of the gesture not escaping me. Turning I saw Casey already looking at me with a bit of a wistful look on his face.
"Yeah, I mean," the baller laughs awkwardly rubbing the back of his head. "You didn't bring much with you, and I thought you should have something from the good old days and all. That shirt's been on some pretty metal adventures."
Rubbing the fabric between my fingers, I looked at the shirt in a different light, wondering just how many memories the item held. With a grateful smile sent Caseys way I pulled the ripped black hockey t-shirt overtop of my blue long sleeve shirt.
Looking up I saw Raph facepalm, and Donnie shake his head while Casey just laughed.
"Did you just..seriously?" Casey shakes his head "Man, I seriously need to teach you the concept of layers. They are worn in the winter, when it's cold, not the summer! You've been a human for like what, a Year, you should totally have this done by now."
I just roll my eyes, it's not the first time my fashion sense has been mocked. In the corner of my eye I can see Mikey biting his lip, and I can tell he's contemplating jumping in to defend me on this. I watch Raph and Donnie exchange a glace, and I have a feeling that they're not going to let this go.
"Peter, do we make you uncomfortable?"
"What!?" Donnie's question caught me completely off guard as it came from left field.
"You're always wearing sleeves, even when the weather is close to a hundred degrees out. We may be underground, but even in the sewer it gets pretty hot down here, even April and Casey change into cooler clothes."
Casey nods gesturing to the hockey T-shirt he's wearing as if to emphasize the point on lairs he had just made a minute prior.
" Casey just gave you cooler clothes, yet you choose to wear sleeves." I can only manage to gape as Donnie continues. "I know it's a lot to process, mutants, and secret origins, but we don't mean to make you uncomfortable in any way.."
"Donnie!" I cut him off, my hands covering my face, because. Where. Is. This. Coming. From!?
" Excluding this conversation. You are not making me uncomfortable. None of you are."
The unsure expressions on Donnie's and Raph's faces pains me to my core. How had I not noticed? In all my secrecy about my own personal baggage I had never considered their own insecurities and needs for reasurace. Internally, I berated myself for being so neglectful and made a mental note to be more observant concerning this area for now on.
Centering myself I continued "Donnie do you know why I agreed to a blood test?"
Shocked at the change of directions, Donnie shook his head.
"Because you asked me" I turned to him, looking into the deep brown depth of those intelligent eyes and pleading to God for any hint of recognition or memory.
Not expecting that his eyes widened further, looking like a fish out of water for a moment.
My eyes drifted back down to my own five fingered human hand, remembering briefly the hand in my dream the three fingered mutant hand. "The thing is, I didn't need any proof. I believed you guys the second I met Mikey. The second I met all of you" I closed my eyes, willing them to understand. "But, then you asked me to let you prove it." I looked up and my intelligent brother's gaze. "I never needed any proof, but I thought you did, so I agreed."
Donnie opened and closed his mouth a few times gapping. While Raph looked shocked, his expressive green eyes reflecting a tirade of different emotions.
I met Mikey's tear filled blue eyes and said the words I should have said the second I met him."Some things you just know." I repeated Mikey's words from the noodle shop back to him and watched the smile spread across the youngest's face.
"WHAT?!" Donnie's exclamation pulled me out of my reminiscent thoughts and into the emotional moment and hand. I let out a deep breath.
I looked down for a second, stilling myself for what needed to come. "You guys don't make me uncomfortable, I wear long sleeves because there are things I want to forget." I let out a humorless laugh "I have no memories and yet I have reminders" I shake my head, before looking up, and with all the sincerity I felt in my heart I continued. "There may be things that I don't want to remember, but that never included you. I think I've been missing you three without even realizing what I've been missing."
Raph steps back as though hit.
"Dude" Casey shakes his head, before running his hand through his hair.
Hesitantly Raph steps forward, his green eyes reflecting a million emotions. Reluctantly, Raph wraps his arms around my shoulders as he comes to sit beside me.
I feel a sob well up deep inside but I push it down as I lean into the embrace that seems to bring a healing to my heart. At my response he squeezes me tighter. I feel arms wrap around me from the other side as Mikey snuggles into my side, and I can all but feel the joy and love radiating off of him as I wrap my free around him pulling my baby brother as close as I can. Brown eyes watering with unshed tears, Donnie surged forward and encompassed me in a bone breaking hug, nearly knocking me over with the force as I still try to cling to my two other brothers "Oh Leo"
Righting myself from the sheer force of the hug and adjusting so that I can hug all three of my brothers, a smile spread over my face as I leaned into the group hug, letting Donnie' slip of tongue slide.
The dam seems to break, and the cuddle puddle has one more member as Casey joins. I fight back tears, as I allow the love and acceptance from my family flood over me like a wave as they hug me impossibly closer. Desperately I reach out and return the embrace with the same ferocity; tears sliding out of my eyes as the well of emotions inside finally overwhelms me. I just can't believe it, against all odds I had found my way back to them. I didn't want to lose them again. I couldn't! I hugged my brothers impossibly tighter before releasing slightly, content to just lean into their embrace and soak up the love and support I have so desperately needed for so very long.
We sat that way for a long time and I couldn't help but wonder yet again when the shift had happened when I stopped thinking of them as 'the brothers' and started thinking of them as 'my brothers'.
Casey was the first to pull away, stepping back to whip at his eyes because 'they got dust in them'.
I distinctly heard the baller say something about heading off to meet up with April. He was talking about April's visit to the zoo today to check on Rocksteady. Though honestly, we all knew he was just making an excuse to leave, wanting to give us some space. Which I was more than grateful for.
With a huff, Raph leaned in to press his forehead against mine before pulling away again. HIs green eyes sparkling with tears, though the small warm smile on his face reflected the joy and love beneath the sorrow and pain. Mikey nuzzled into my shoulder, though much more gently than he would have a few days ago, before pulling away placing a brotherly smooch on my forehead.
"We missed you Leo, more than you can ever imagine bro"
With a sigh Donnie leaned back whipping at his eyes. I could see a million different emotions dancing across his intelligent face. Along with the pure joy, love and overwrought emotion I could also see concern and questions, and resigned myself to my fate.
"L..Peter, what did you mean by things 'you want to forget'?"
I looked down at my arm, unsure of what to say, where to start.
"Leo" Mikey placed his hand on top of mine. "It's okay."
I let out a sigh.
"I don't like to remember that I was in a fire" I looked up at them, letting my gaze drift between my three brothers. "I hate reminders. It hurts every time I face something that reminds me that I have no memories. No past. That I lost everything. That I lost you" I looked down again remembering the space heroes pinball machine covered by the tarp. It was easier to cover up reminders.
"But you didn't lose us" Mikey smiled, squeezing my hand reassuringly.
"I know that, now" I let out a sigh.
How could I put this? "You know how you guys had the pinball machine covered" Raph nodded, looking as lost as Mikey and Donnie at the shift in topic.
"Well I have my own reminders covered up by a different kind of tarp" I bite my lip. "It's just easier that way. No questions." I look up, meeting his eyes. "But I don't want to hide things from you guys, I don't want to hold secrets." I let my eyes drift down again. "But I don't want to hurt you guys either."
Raph's grip on my shoulders tightened and Donnie seemed worried now, barely holding his tongue as he waited for me to continue.
"I didn't think things would be so easy..here with you guys...i forgot to keep my sleeves rolled up when washing dishes with Mikey and.." Mikey's grip on my hand tightened in silent reasureace.
I watched as the dots of the conversation connected for Donnie. I knew him and Raph had observed Mikey's odd behavior earlier, he'd been close to tears at some point during dinner last night.
"Peter ?"
I grabbed the sleeve of my shirt rolling it up ever so gently to expose the minor burns of my forearm.
Raph stiffened beside me, clenching his fists in anger. Donnie's eyes widen, his hands reaching forward to grab my arm with a hint of trepidation.
"It can't be ..is this..but we thought.."
My eyes drift back toward the table. "It was always easier to just cover them up."
"You were in the fire!" Raph's voice boomed around the room. His electric green eyes held a million emotions as he stared down at my uncovered forearm.
"Its okay" I reassured them quickly, "they're just scars, they don't hurt anymore."
Mikey curled closer into my side and I felt wet hot tears against my shoulder.
"Peter, if you feel comfortable, I would like to run through a full evaluation" despite his calm tone and calculated words this brick brown eyes reflected the torrent of emotions and fears that lay deep beneath the exeter as that overclocked brain of his thought of all the possible scenarios that could have gone wrong in the fire, probably calculating a list of different potential injuries I could be hiding.
I let out a breath, trying to decide what would be less hard on them. Saying no, and letting Donnie's imagination run rampant, plus I didn't want to send the wrong message, I trusted them completely. On the other hand, I did have other scars and old injuries. Internally, I knew that there was really one option and steeled myself for what lay ahead.
"Okay" I nodded.
Donnie let out a breath of relief. Almost as the words were out of my mouth I felt two strong pairs of arms loop around and pick me off the ground.
"Raph" I barely had time to protest as I was picked up and carried bridal style toward Donnie's lab in a hurry.
"Put me down, I'm fine!" I struggled against the grasp. "I already agreed to a checkup, this really isn't necessary."
My complaints went unheard as I was placed down gingerly on the examining table. Turning toward Raph, my words died on my lips as I saw his wide worried eyes. My gut coiled and I closed my mouth. I kept forgetting that they thought I was dead for a year. Now after turning up a year later alive, and hearing that I was actually in the fire that they'd assumed had taken my life; there was bound to be some emotional turmoil. Wanting to provide comfort, I reached out and grabbed Raph's hand, giving it a tight squeeze.
"Okay, Peter." Setting down a bin full of medical equipment Donnie turned to me once more, in full doctor mode. "First things first, I need to give you a full evaluation."
I had been through this before during a few run of the mill appointments after the fire. I knew the drill.
Seeing the burns on my arms was one thing, but the burns on my back, shoulder and side..
I push back against my insecurities as I grab the bottom of my shirt. My brother's are worried enough as it is, and although seeing my scars will not ease their fears in the slightest, they deserve to know.
I take a deep breath as I pull the shirt over my head, revealing the minor burns running down my back, as well as the more severe burns along my shoulder and upper arms.
The sudden intake of breath echoes around the room and the room grows tense.
"Peter.." Donnie's voice is barely a whisper. His touch on my shoulder is hesitant as his fingers ghost over the burns.
"They've been treated" my voice is quiet, as I stare at the floor.
I feel Mikey shaking as he grasps my hand tightly in his, tears sliding down his face. Raph just stares mutley before his hands start shaking in anger.
"I'm going to kill him!" I jump suddenly at the words, my eyes darting up to see the anger and hurt radiating in his bright green eyes.
I barely comprehend what he's saying before the intent behind the words hits.
"No!" the words don't come out angry, but stern.
I may be pissed at Baxter, but I won't let anyone lay a finger on my brother.
I shake my head. "You're not killing Baxter over this" I feel tired, so very tired.
"Peter, I need to know. Were there any other injuries? You could have been in a fight before this and the building was.."
I let out a sigh. I knew what Donnie was asking but I didn't want to tell him.
"Donnie.." I looked up and met his worried eyes, saw the calculated look that was already drawing up a million different scenarios.
"I'm fine" I emphasized looking between the three of them. "I promise, I'm fine."
"This is not fine " Raph barked back.
I turned to him. "That's why I cover up the scars Raph, it's not pretty. But they don't hurt not anymore. It's just a part of me now, a part of my story."
I let my eyes wander down to my hands again.
Our stories aren't pretty, Peter. That's just how it is, but they are ours. You can't change that the fire happened. You can cover it up all you want, but it still happened. Baxter's words echoed over in my mind. Looking up at my three distraught younger brothers, I knew what I needed to do. I needed to be the older brother.
"The fire" my voice came out a little unsteady at first "isn't something I like to think about, that's why I cover up the burns. They were reminders of everything I lost." I took a deep breath. "But I didn't lose everything that night." Tears in my eyes I looked up and met the gazes of my family. "I didn't lose you."
"Peter.." Mikey squeezed my hand tighter.
"The building collapsed when I was still in it. I was told by firefighters later that I shouldn't have survived. So many things could have gone wrong. The firefighters almost didn't get there in timeā¦" I took a deep breath. " My lung collapsed when it was punctured by a broken rib. For a while they feared I wouldn't wake up because of my head wound, that they later blamed my amnesia on" I let out a sight. I let my gaze linger on each of my brothers. "But I didn't die, and although I'm so sorry that so much time has passed.. I found you. I found you again."
I let my love radiate through those words, as I let down my walls comforting my brothers in the only way I knew how. For the last year I had been looking at my burns as a reminder of everything I had lost, I hadn't seen the reminder they were of everything that was preserved. I hadn't died, I lived. I had lived to find my past, to find my family. A little singed but alive. I had been burned that night, but I saved Baxter.
As I was once agains squished between my three overly emotional younger brothers and half drowned in tears, I had an overwhelming feeling that everything would be alright. Donnie would probably want to run several medical tests to ensure that I was indeed still in one piece, but I could live with that. I was no doubt in for an extra dose of Mikey hugs for the new few days. And Raph..I think the reassurance that I was alive and that I was 'home' would be enough to put him at ease. Things were still a little raw right now, but they would heal. With time.
With time.
Wow, that was a really really hard chapter.
Lots of brotherly hugs, tears, and awkwardness.
Hopefully more overprotective little brothers to look forward to in the future.
-I almost added this exchange into the last chapter, and just have Peter tell Donnie about the scars while they were fixing the toaster but, I didn't want to exclude Raph and his reactions plus that chapter was already beginning to feel a little full.
