Chapter 30: It wasn't your Fault
Hello, hope you are all well
Heads up this chapter references some old scenes from part one of the story, I know it's been a while since I posted so some of these references might be a bit of a throwback.
On a more somber note. I just want to take a moment and recognize this day, alongside honor and remember those who have passed.
God Bless
I pinch the bridge of my nose and take a few deep breaths to regain my composure as I listen to Mikey's argument regarding his latest prank. Seriously, the last few days Raph's anger has been more on the surface and Mikey's pranks have been getting more..creative to say the least, and on top of that Donnie locking himself in his lab for longer periods of time.
When first coming to my brothers' home I was fine with the change in my schedule. I still found time to meditate and run through a few katas early in the morning before everyone was up, but that was getting harder and harder to do without being noticed. Donnie was barely sleeping, constantly in his lab, Raph was also growing a habit of insomnia staying up late to beat the stuffings out of his punching bag and more than once have I woken Mikey out of a nightmare.
It breaks my heart the struggles my brothers are facing, worse than that is their hesitancy to come to me about it. I want nothing more than to comfort Mikey's nightmares, to spare with Raph and get him to admit what was on his mind, and to sit down with Donnie and help him discover a solution for whatever problem is troubling him before making the genius take a break and get some sleep!
Although already falling into the role of older brother, and thus taking up some of those responsibilities and duties, there are times when I sense some hesitancy and tension. And I hate it. But I would be a hypocrite if I didn't admit that I'm doing the same thing.
Although I have shared that I was a police officer, and they now know about my scars there still is so much I'm still keeping from them. So much I am holding to myself. My own secrecy has become like my own self-made cage, with my own fear as the lock holding me back.
How can I expect my brothers to trust and lean on me if I can't do the same with them. I sense and fear that it's my own hesitancy they sense that has them being hesitant with me. I hate that I am holding any secrets from them, I do not wish to create any barrier between us. I do not want to create the same type of mistrust that I hold for Baxter, yet at the same time I don't want to burden them with my emotional baggage.
Things at the lair have been tense the last few days. Apprehension is in the air, as my brothers anticipate Baxter's next move. After my talk with Bebop the other day, I've had a lot to consider. Baxter's re-appearance is imminent, what I need to consider is how to react. I can't ignore my connection to him. I can't forget the last year's worth of memories and brotherhood but I also can't forget what he did to me, what he did to my family. What I need to decide is if I should forgive, forgive him. I read once that anger and blame you feel towards someone is what holds you captive until you learn to forgive. It doesn't mean you forget what happens or let down your guard with that person, no trust is something that needs to be earned back after it is broken, it just means you release yourself from the cage of anger by forgiving.
I'm not sure if I'm ready to do that yet, or if I want to. But, it's something I need to think about, especially if I'm going to be honest with my brothers about this past year. How can I expect to help them through the emotions my secret will bring if I don't first allow myself to recognize, feel and deal with my own storm of emotions regarding Baxter.
I'm ready to move forward, I just don't exactly know where to start.
"Orange is the bomb bro"
I let out a sigh as I pinched my nose. Mikey's voice pulled me back to the reality of the moment: here in the kitchen trying to sort out a fight between my two younger brothers over Mikey's latest prank.
"Mikey it's not the fact that the pain was orange, it's that you filled water balloons with orange paint and then redecorated the hallway, the entrance to the lair and Raph's shell with a quote on quote 'surprise water balloon fight'." I fought back a smirk, as I continued to lecture my little brother. Although I don't admit it allowed, Mikey's pranks never fail to surprise me.
"You can't blame a turtle!" Mikey turned full puppy dog eyes on me. "I've been bored stiff! Things have been soo tense down here, I was just trying to lighten the mood."
I can't argue that things have been tense, I understand Mikey's efort to deal with the tension. What I don't agree with is the way Mikey went about 'lightening the mood'.
"I know things have been tense lately and I agree we all need a bit of lightheartedness. A break would have been well appreciated, what I don't get is why you filled the water balloons with paint?"
"Hehe" Mikey rubbed the back of his head bashfully "I ugghh thought it would be festive, add some color.."
"All over the lair" I deadpanned. "Mikelangelo do you know how long this stunt of yours is going to take to clean up"
"No"
"Well you can tell me after you finished scrubbing away all the paint from the turnstiles, hallway and living room" I handed him a bucket and a rag.
"What?! But that's going to take for like ever"
"You should have thought of that before you decided to decorate the entire lair with paint filled water balloons"
"What about my shell!" Raph growled. "I was in the middle of weight lifting when he came out of nowhere and pelted me with those stinkin balloons"
"Mikey" I turned to lecture my baby brother with a frown. "That was incredibly dangerous. Your stunt could have seriously hurt Raph. You shouldn't throw anything at someone when they are lifting weights, he nearly dropped a dumbbell on his foot!"
Mikey looked down at the ground guiltily, "sorry Raphie"
"Besides how dangerous and foolhardy that was, now Raph has to clean brightly colored paint off his shell."
"I vote that Mikey gets grounded for a month!" Raph smirked.
"Hey" Mikey squeaked.
"No, make it three months!"
"This is not a democracy..Leo" Mikey squeaked, turning worried baby blue eyes to me.
I let out a sigh as I rubbed at my eyes tiredly with the tension growing about the retro-mutagen and Baxter's possible return alongside my own waring thoughts about my secrets and how to move forward. I hadn't gotten much sleep the last few nights, plus I had another dream about the fire last night. All in all, I was too tired for this right now.
"Mikey, I honestly worry about everyone else's sanity if I ban you from TV or other outlets for the next month, but Raph's right you need to realize the gravity of your actions. So for the next Month, you'll be taking over half of Raph's chores"
"NOO" Mikey slumped to his knees throwing his hands up in the air. "It's not fair"
Unfortunately Mikey was still holding the last three of the infamous water balloons in his hands still so by throwing his hands in the air so dramatically he also threw said balloons.
"Mikey" Raph growled as he ducked to avoid a paint-filled balloon.
"No throwing water balloons in the kitchen" I lectured looking around to see what was hit. Okay so add the kitchen counters and wall to the list of things Mikey needs to clean, but where did the last one go?
I heard a cracking coming from the counter behind me turning around, my eyes grew wide as the paint soaked-toaster started smoking, the familiar cracking sound grew louder before the machine burst into flames.
Fire licked at my arms and legs as I fought back the ever reaching flames, back to Baxter as he fought with the computer panel in front of him trying to get the system under control. The warehouse around us creaked and craned under the stress of the fire, the noise nearly deafening alongside the cracking of the fire. My throat burned as I tried to shield my face from the smoke and rising heat.
"Peter"
"Peter" the voice grew louder as something continued to pat my face. Opening my eyes the blurry outline of Donnie came into focus. I blinked as my vision cleared taking in the worried expression on my brother's face, I suddenly realized I was on the floor.
"What happened?" I asked, looking around at my three worried brothers hovering around me as I sat on the kitchen floor.
"I don't know" Donnie frowned "how 'bout you tell me?"
Mentally I frowned. I looked over at the still slightly smoking toaster that had obviously been well dowsed by a fire extinguisher and understanding hit.
Oh no
"Mikey's paint balloon caused the toaster to go on the fritz" Donnie explained, his calculating eyes never leaving my face as he spoke. "I came out of the lab when Mikey started screaming, we got the fire under control relatively quickly it didn't even leave the counter."
I closed my eyes. It was the oven fiasco all over again. When I set the oven on fire back when I was first learning to cook, I'd had a flashback then too..
"Peter?" Donnie's brown eyes were wide with worry. "What happened?"
"Yeah Bro, we looked over and.." Mikey was close to tears, worrying his bottom lip with his teeth.
"You were totally out of it bro" Raph crouched down to place a hand on my shoulder. "You're shaking" his eyes widened as he pulled me closer.
"Peter.."
"It's fine!" I cut him off sharply.
"This is not fine!" Raph growled back.
"Bro, talk to us" Mikey reached out and grabbed my hand.
I let out a sigh, angry if anything at my own weakness. "The fire" my voice was quiet "I.." I shake my head. "This isn't the first time this happened"
I feel my brothers stiffen around me.
"..I set the oven on fire when I was first learning to cook and Ba..my roommate had to put the fire out..I" I let out a breath. "I have flashbacks..I..the flames..I remember the flames."
"WHAT?!" Raph grabbed my shoulders pulling me around to stare into his wide worried eyes.
"You remember the fire?!"
"Parts of it" I admit looking down at the ground.
"Leo" Mikey's eyes grow teary as my baby brother wraps me in an embrace. "I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to.."
"It's okay"I patted the back of his shell comfortingly, rocking him back and forth. "It's okay, it was just an accident."
I look up to see the wheels turning in Donnie's head.
"..flashbacks" he mumbles half to himself. Shaking his head, Donnie goes to stand heading toward his lab.
"..Donnie?" Pulling out of Mikey's embrace and shaking off Raph's hand gently I go to follow my genius brother.
"No" it comes out as a whisper. I place a comforting hand on his shoulder. "NO!" He yells again, whipping around to face me seething.
"Why are you doing this!?" He yells.
"Doing what?" I ask confused.
"Comforting us" he stares angrily "you're the one who just had a PTSD episode, you just had a flashback of the fire for crying out loud, and you're trying to comfort us!"
Mentally I take a step back confused and hurt and then understanding dawns. He's hurt. I knew he would be, learning about the one memory I hold would hurt all my brothers but none more than Donnie. Because it was him I called that night.
"Donnie" I tried again, reaching out to comfort him.
"NO" he yelled, tears in his eyes as he pushed my hand away.
"How can you do this?!" He asked again.
"Dee '' Mikey and Raph were stepping in now, obviously as concerned as I was at Donnie's emotional state, they also had probably reached the same conclusion as I had.
"Look Donnie" I shook my head. "Yes, I'm a little shaken up, but I'm okay."
Donnie shook his head again, still backing away from me.
"Look this is only the second time, I've had a flashback like this..and it doesn't last long. It's just fantom brushes of fire and the noise from the building." I have to fight back a shudder at my words but I push down my own discomfort as I focus on my brother.
"You shouldn't be trying to comfort me" Donnie's voice is barely a whisper.
"Why not?" I ask, though I already know why.
Donnie looks away.
"It's not your fault"
Donnie's eyes dart back to me, wide.
"None of this is your fault" I repeat again.
Instead of registering my words, he turned an accusatory look toward Mikey and Raph, his eyes narrowed. "What did you tell him?"
"I didn't say anything" Mikey denies looking back and forth between Donnie and me confused.
"Donnie" I reached out to my genius younger brother, my heart aching as my fears were confirmed that he did in fact blame himself.
"No" he shook his head. "You don't understand Peter."
"Yes, I do," I tried to reason. He continued to back away tears clouding his eyes now.
"Donnie It's not your fault" my voice broke with emotion. "Please believe me"
"Peter.."
"You wouldn't have gotten there in time" I interrupted "even if you would have answered the phone. You wouldn't have gotten there in time."
It was as though a terrible secret had been revealed. The shock, the guilt and the pain was written so plainly on Donnie's face it truly hurt, greater than any blow that could have been dealt.
"How do you..?" Donnie couldn't finish the question. I rushed forward and pulled my brother into a tight embrace.
"Oh Ototo" the name pulled a gut wrenching sob from Donnie as he clung to me even tighter.
Tears clouded my own eyes. I should have told him a long time ago.
"It's not your fault" I pulled back to look into his eyes, holding his cheek gently and extenuating every word. Needing him to understand this. To accept this. That it is not his fault.
"Please believe me little brother" my heart ached for him to understand. "It's not your fault" I looked up and let my gaze rest with Mikey and Raph in turn as well. "It's none of your faults"
"..you remember" Raph's voice was barely a whisper.
I let out a sigh. "I remember parts of that night… A few months after I woke up I started having dreams about the fire..but they came in shards..partial memories...and at first none of it made any sense…" I let out a sigh. Angry and ashamed at myself for not putting the pieces together sooner.
"It wasn't until I found Baxter's notes that the pieces started fitting together...and for that I am truly sorry, If only I had figured things out sooner.."
"It's okay" Donnie's hand on my face was gentle.
"We're together now" Raph's voice was hoarse, strained with emotion. "That's all that matters"
I hold each of them tighter for a second longer before releasing. Without answering I run upstairs to my room and dig out the one object I always keep close.
My brothers' questioning gazes are on me as I return.
"It bothered me that I had no prior memories so I started finding ways of capturing moments." I explain," I would save clippings, photos, sketch moments in time…" as I was speaking I flipped through the little blue book showing them clippings of the Pizza place, the want add for the police academy, a sketch I did of the sunrise. "..when I started having dreams about the fire.." I took a breath and handed the book over to Donnie, the page flipped open to the sketch. I never showed anyone the sketch of the fire.
Donnie's face paled as he grabbed the sketch.
"Dude" Mikey's voice was just a whisper.
I ran a shaking hand through my hair. "I honestly should have put things together a lot sooner than I did." A pain of guilt stabbed at my heart. I had been so trusting of Baxter that I never questioned his story. I don't know why I didn't push, why I didn't fight harder for answers, for my past, for everything! I had just trusted Baxter, and had been weary to dredge up hard memories, and wanted to help my 'brother' move on. But now here with my younger brothers I can only wish I had done things differently. Well shoulda coulda wouldas don't accomplish anything.
Donnie's deep mahogany eyes held a million different emotions as he stared back at me.
"It's okay" he smiled, and I felt relief rush through me. Those two words say so much.
"Yeah" Raph's hand on my shoulder was cementing. "We're just glad we have you back now. Can't do nothing about the past"
Mikey continued flipping through the book. I smiled, glad I had covered up the pictures of Baxter with the drawings I found in my room, the drawings from my old life, most of which consisted of them. Coving up Baxter was albit childish and didn't actually fix anything. I couldn't exactly erase the fact that he was my 'brother' for the last year; something I desperately needed to tell them. But putting the drawing I found from my past in the book, felt as though I was taking a bit of control of the situation and making a choice. Choosing them, and moving forward. Making an effort to sow my two lives together.
"Hey Bro?"
"Yeah" I smiled at my youngest brother.
"What's these?" Miked pointed to the sketches.
Raph's green eyes widened. "these are dated a long time ago"
I scratched the back of my head nervously, it wasn't really intruding taking these, technically they were mine.
"I found them in a secret hole in my room. I assumed they were pictures I drew back when I was… a turtle."
"I never knew you could draw" Raph's voice was barely a whisper. I frowned slightly as I thought about it, when I drew I rarely if ever let anyone see my drawings, it's not something I did for attention, but just for me. It was a release. I guess I'm not all that surprised to hear that my brothers didn't know about that past time.
I just shrugged. "I don't usually show anyone my drawings" I smile bashfully, looking at the ground "it's just a hobby, something to blow off steam and center myself"
"Dude, these are pretty good," Mikey smiles.
"I agree, both the old and the new ones. You have really good technique" Donnie adds.
"Yeah bro" Raph smiles, I barely catch the part whispered under his breath. "I wish you would have told us"
"Thank you" I answer, my cheeks heating up from the attention.
I grab the memory book, flipping through the sketches from my life as a turtle with a wistful smile.
"It was really cool finding these, I hope you don't mind. I added it to my book." My brothers nodded and I continued "Since finding you guys I've wanted nothing more than to remember you, it's so frustrating." I frown "you have all these memories to draw back on and I'm starting fresh from the start." I take a deep breath, feeling both deprived and guilty. "I'm so sorry that I don't remember" I look up at each brother. "Finding these sketches was just like looking at those old photo albums with you Mikey, but through these I could see things from my point of view" I smiled down at one sketch of all four turtle brothers diving toward a piece of pizza. Another, where I'm clasping Raph on the shoulder.
"How's that?" Mikey frowned.
I looked up from the pictures. "Because in each picture I can see how much I love you all." I smile, tracing each pensil stroke with my eyes seeing the care and the detail in each picture. "I might not remember the memories but I still remember the love"
I watch as the words take impact and once more I'm encompassed in a brotherly group hug. I smiled holding my three younger brothers tighter.
"Hey uhh Peter.." Donnie's question is hesitant as he pulls away.
"Yes Donnie?"
"It looks like these something underneath a few of these..sketches"
This was my opportunity to tell them about Baxter, to tell them the truth, and to tell them everything.
The words stuck in my throat.
"Peter..?"
I let out a shaky sigh. "..in the past was I known to have a trusting naive streak at all?"
Raph let out a snort. "Yes" his green eyes held many stories and they showed worry.
I let out a short humourless chuckle. "Let's just say that that trait stuck for some odd reason" a pain radiated deep inside when I thought about how Baxter betrayed my trust.
I saw my brothers tense up.
"I showed trust to someone who ended up not deserving it. I saw only the good in this person and didn't recognize all the lies." Tears started to mist my eyes. "When he pushed me to move on and stopped chasing Shadows of the past, I actually listened to him and for that I am so so sorry!" I was once again encompassed in a brotherly group hug. I meant to go further, to tell them more. To tell them about waking up at the hospital about believing Baxter to be my brother, about moving away from the city. But from the overwhelmed look in Donnie's eyes, the tears in Mikeys and the way Raph's shoulders were already shaking in anger, grief, and just pure emotion I couldn't find the willpower to continue. It may be selfish to stop there, I was emotionally raw as well, and I knew they were the same.
I would tell maybe not tonight.
"It's late" I cup Mikey's face in my hand as I pull out of the group hug. "How bout you start your clean up tomorrow. I think we should all cool down with a movie, how bout the one you mentioned earlier ?" I felt a spark of joy as the suggestion brought an instant smile to Mikey's face and Raph and Donnie's tension seemed to fade slightly.
Grabbing Donnie's hand I gave it a reassuring squeeze as I followed my brothers into the common area.
"Peter.."
I let out a sigh, something deep inside me seeming to shift and resolve.
"Leo" It came out as a breath. I turned to meet my brother's gaze. "Could you call me Leo?"
Wow that was hard!
Had to come back and add that last part.
I'm finally making some headway with some important elements I've been wanting to tie together for some time now. The scene with the toaster was inspired by a review from NightshadeMooncast1 about an event that happened in chapter 6, that was referenced here "Also, will there be brotherly cuddling concerning his apprehension of fires?" so sorry it took so long to respond to this request.
I know Leo covering up Baxter's pictures isn't necessarily a healthy coping device and hopefully not the end product of the grieving process but it fit in with where I needed to go with the story and honestly the characters took over writing again. Hope this chapter made sense, a good portion of this was written really late at night so no idea of it made much sense.
Please review! Would love to hear from you :)
