Chapter 36: Despite this Messed up Situation


"I feel kinda guilty..you know for not taking Leo along '' Mikey tapped his index fingers in front of him idly, as he and his brothers headed through the familiar labyrinth of tunnels closer to their home.

"I know Mikey" Donnie breathed out, looking up from the security information on his t-phone. "We all know how capable Leo is now, and heaven knows our overprotective older brother would rather risk his life than let us alone for even a second. For goodness sakes we have a craved mad scientist literally after Leo's blood, and he worries about our safety,"

"Well he is our leader and big bro, you know he's always going to do that. He's like the king of the worrywarts, Dee." Mikey rolled his eyes as he kicked around the questionable water underfoot as the brothers turned down another tunnel.

"I know, but it's only a routine patrol through the sewers. The only one who would be in 'real' danger is Leo."

"I think the only reason old Fearless agreed to stay home is cause you fixed up the lair so no M.O.U.S.E.R.S could track him there an' da fact that we agreed not to go above surface without him" Raph agreed with a huff.

"Leo said that Baxter destroyed those things" Mikey frowned "and that he promised not to bother us"

"Yes he did" Donnie sighed,reaching up to rub the bridge of his snout. "But that does not mean I necessarily trust him. I understand Leo's wanting to trust him, I mean he looked at Stockman as a brother for the past year!" All the brothers stiffened at Donnie's reminder.

The tense silence stretched several long seconds, no brother wanting to breach the tense and sensitive subject, yet all knowing they were thinking along the same lines.

"Leo we're home" came Mikey's sing-song voice as he bounded over the turnstiles followed by his two brothers.

"We should think about creating a more elaborate security system in the tunnels in close proximity or in direct contact with the central area of our location, that way.." Donnie did not have much time to finish his thought before he found himself falling backwards onto the steps he was walking down as a ball of blinding powder exploded in front of him.

"What the..Karai?" Raph stated bewildered, as he leapt to his feat, Sias in hand reeling first with rage followed immediately but confusion when his eyes landed on their supposed attackers.

"Sis" Mikey's smile was confused but nonetheless genuine. "Dude it's so good to see you"

The scowling kunoichi intercepted the hug by sticking her hand out, blocking the embrace by instead grabbing Mikey's face, turning her interrogating gaze to the other two Hamato brothers.

"Karia? What's going on?" Donnie asked carefully, confused and alarmed by their sister's behaviour.

"Oh I don't know" Karia answered tersely, letting her hand drop from Mikey's face as she turned her hand to nonchalantly examine her nails, feigning indifference. "Just discovered that my beloved little brothers were hiding news of monumental, life altering proportions. Leaving me in the metaphoric dark to revelations relating directly to our immediate family. News that I most definitely needed and wanted to know!" Karia's voice grew louder and more emotional as the speech went on.

"Oh" Mikey's face shifted from shocked confusion, to understanding. "You mean Leo"

Raph and Donnie's eyes widened as understanding hit, looking both slightly guilty and terrified as they suddenly understood their seething sister's words.

"How could you not tell me that Leo was ALIVE!" Her yell echoed around the lair.

"Well..ahh" Raph struggled for words as he cleaned an ear with his finger.

"You see..Karia...the complicated and overwhelming situation of Leo's reappearance hit us quite suddenly, and it's not that we didn't mean to inform you, it's that.." Donnie stumbled

"We forgot" Mikey interjected, his face an apologetic smile of ignorance.

"You Forgot ?" Karia's voice was pure sarcasm. "How could you just forget to tell me something as huge as the fact that Leo is still Alive?!"

"Look sister, we had a mutagenic madman literally after our brother's blood. Plus the whole situation of amnesia that was overwhelming, first in the situation that we didn't know how to cure it, second we were downright terrified that we'd end up scaring our bro away or have him think he didn't belong for something! Not to mention the whole thing with Rocksteady we were worried about or the huge unforgettable fact that we also have been grieving Leo for a whole Year and having him here: Alive and well, kinda fried all our circuits for a while. So yes, we spaced calling you. This is a complicated, and emotionally overwhelming situation for all of us. So just give us a break!" Raph seethed.

Karia took a step back, pinching her nose. Not at all intimidated by the seething mutant turtle inches from her. Taking a jew deep breath, she calmed her anger and processed her brother's words.

"Okay, I forgive you. I admit, it's a very emotionally overwhelming situation and extremely complicated." She shook her head. "I just didn't expect to see a human version of my supposed dead brother when I brought you take-out earlier. Don't get me wrong" she held up her hands with a grin stretching across her face. "It was a good surprise. The best actually. I was just a little angry that you didn't tell me."

"You've seen Leo?" Mikey beamed.

"Wait" Donnie caught up with the conversation. "You too met"

"Yeah, we met. She's a pretty cool person and she brought Japanese takeout."

Heads turned as I strode up entering the conversation. Honestly, I felt a little guilty about not interfering earlier and saving my brothers from Karia's verbal assault, but I kinda understood her emotions and although I was prepared to interfere if things had gone any further, I felt the need to let her speak her peace. Somewhat.

"Sorry Raph, I ate your noodle dish" I shot my brother a smik. "Saved you the egg roll though." As I held out the nearly empty container to my red clad brother, I worked to redirect my family into the pit where I already had a family friendly movie set up and some board games stacked (subtly) by the side of the couch. Now that the elephant in the room had been addressed I hoped to redirect the situation into family bonding. They may have missed a year with me, but I felt as though I'd missed a lifetime with them, and I was not about to waste a minute of our precious time together. The present was a gift after all. Time, especially with those you loved, was always something to be treasured.


"Ohh doubles! One, two, three, four, five, six! Yeah! Community chest" I watched with a small smile as Mikey moved his car six spaces and pulled a card from the stack, his tongue hanging out of his mouth in concentration as he read it. After watching a movie, complete with side conversations, commentary and movie snacks, they had moved onto board games. I let Donnie choose the first game, Cranium, which he kicked all their shells at. Raph and Karia had both requested Risk. Which had been an interesting and compelling game for the group of ninjas. Now by Mikey's request they were playing Monopoly. I found myself as the banker, and although everyone was having fun I couldn't help but find my mind drifting.

"Ohh" Mikey's eyes sparkled. "It's my B-day Dog! Collect $50 from each player" Mikey stuck his hands out expectantly, begrently they all handed over the game money and Raph went to roll.

"What," Mikey frowned, "you're not gonna sing?"

"Don't be a shell brain, it aint your actual birthday" Raph rolled his eyes.

I struggled to keep a straight face, my mind once again drifting to Baxter. Monopoly had been our go-to on rainy days. We had spent several Saturday afternoons jamming out to old music and playing board games for a better part of the day. A lot of the time, we ended up infusing our own made up rules into the game. One of them was singing 'happy birthday' when you pulled that card. Bax had argued that between my memory loss and his time with the Shredder we'd both missed too many B-days and therefore whenever either of us pulled this card, singing was a part of the deal.

I let my eyes drift down. I hadn't really realized how family deprived Baxter really was. He'd always been somewhat of a clingy worrywart of an older brother. Looking back now, I think he just liked actually having a family. Even if it was something he'd stolen.

"Earth to Leo '' Raph waved a hand in front of my face. "Said I owned ya $25: landed on reading railroad"

"Oh" I took the monopoly money from him, chastising myself for zoning out. Again. Sure a lot had happened recently, but that did not validate me from zoning out during family time. I could ponder the weight of Baxter's betrayal and the complexity of my past later, when I'm alone. Not when my whole family is here.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Donnie and Raph exchange a meaningful glance.

"Okay, Karia your turn"

I focused on staying focused. I made an effort to engage in side-game dialog. I paid attention to the game and who landed on my properties. I didn't put as much effort into it as I had in Risk and Cranium as my mind kept wandering back to older memories this game brought up. I bit my lip when Karia rolled three doubles and went to jail without even a hello to the permanent occupant 'billy bob' who was painted on the board. I considered bringing up the rules Baxter and I made up about free-parking but thought better of it. Baxter was a bit of a touchy subject.

I felt a deep pain in my heart. Is this how it would always be? I hated keeping secrets from my family, part of me had wanted to truth out so I could finally open up fully about the last year. But now that the truth was told, I felt more closed off about last year than ever before. How could I bring up stories about Baxter without hurting my brothers. Whether or not the stories were good or sad, it would nevertheless hurt my brothers. Why would they want to hear about the time I spent with Baxter: the person responsible for my mutation and memory loss, alongside my supposed 'death' for the past year. I felt my head spin with the contrasting storm of emotions the truth held.

"Park Place is totally a legitimate business investment."

"No Mikey it isn't" Donnie's voice held a patient yet patronising drone. "You're going to waste your money on an expensive property that people will have to land on several times in order to reimburse the money you'll spend on this one property."

"Not if I buy a house!" Mikey pointed out.

"That's true, but in order to do so you also would have to buy the corresponding property. Another expensive investment that you can not guarantee will result in a reimbursement of the funds you put into the property. Furthermore, houses for these properties cost more than any other property on the board."

"Ugg" Raph grabbed his head. "Stop yacking about it and just make up your mind already!"

"People will land here. Why wouldn't you guys want to visit me?"

Donnie facepalmed. "It's the roll of the dice Mikey. It's also the most expensive property, given the choice no one would choose to land here."

"Sure they would" Mikey waved off his brother. "You would Leo, right? It's blue, you love blue. Promise you'll land on park place at least once? Help out your favorite youngest brother." Mikey turned puppy eyes on the eldest only to find him staring off into space, and not for the first time this night.

Exchanging concerned glances around the board, Raph let out a sigh before leaning forward and snapping his fingers under his human brother's nose.

"Huh"

"It's late" Donnie's smile was tired. "Why not call it a night"

I nodded half heartedly, my mind still reeling. "Are you sure?" I frowned, shaking my head to clear it, feeling guilty for letting my focus slip, again. "Are you guys tired?" I let my gaze travel around each family member, finding them fairly alert and awake.

"Yeah, your obviously tired." Donnie's smile didn't reach his eyes. "We can pick this back up another time"

"Aww" Mikey frowned. "I was soo winning"

"You were so not" Raph scoffed, already picking up the pieces of the game. "I had waterworks and the electric company. If anyone was gonna win it totally would have been me"

Mikey and Raph continued to tease each other playfully as Donnie picked up the monopoly game.I smiled at the banter as I began cleaning up the various plates, cups and other messes that accumulated throughout the movie and games.

"Here, I'll help you with that"

I sent Karia a grateful smile as she followed me into the kitchen with the remaining cups and dishes. I turned the faucet on, deciding to at least get the dishes soaking before heading off to bed.

"Okay, so what was that?" Karia rounded on me, leaning against the counter, her brown eyes boring into me. I let out a sigh, grateful that she at least waited until we were out of earshot of my brothers.

"What was what?" I evaded.

"You know Leo" she rolled her eyes. "We all noticed you zoning out through half of the last game. You may have been here physically, but mentally you were miles away. So I'll ask again. What's up?"

I let out a sigh, turning the faucet off, the two sinks full and grabbing a rag to start washing the dishes. "Monopoly was Baxter's favorite game, it just brought up a lot of memories."

Karia nodded. "And Stockman being the manipulative villain he is makes it difficult to bring up stories from the time you thought he was a good guy and actually your brother" Karia turned to start drying the dishes. "I get it."

I let out a breath. "It's just. I know a side of Baxter no one else does. I've seen the good in him. I know it's there. I've seen it. Despite everything he's done, I can't forget that. I can't forget the person who cared for me this past year. The person who made me laugh when I felt like crying. Who saw me at my worst, and helped me through it." I paused for a moment just staring at the dirty dish water. "I know that Baxter lied to me. I know he manipulated me and hurt my family. Trust me, I'm very mad at him..and hurt" the last words came out quiet as my stomach churned uncomfortably at the array of emotion I felt over the whole messed up situation. "But I'm working through it. Despite how absolutely furious I am at him..I also still care about him. Heck I thought he was my brother! We went through a whole lot together. That doesn't just go away!"

I let out a sigh. "I'm mad at him..but I want to forgive him. I know him well enough to know that what he did was motivated by fear and some off kilter survival instinct. Despite the whole messed up situation, I know Baxter never met me any real harm. I know that on some level his decision to claim me as a brother was motivated by his own loss and loneliness and maybe a bit of empathetic protection on my behave" I let out a snort, shaking my head.

"It doesn't excuse what he did Leo" Donnie's voice was soft, almost strained. I turned around surprised to find my three brothers standing by the table. I didn't hear them come in. How much did they overhear?

"I know" I looked down at my shoes.

"Then why do you want to defend him?" Raph's voice held less of an accusatory and more of a betrayed tone.

Because he's my brother. Closing my eyes, I fought back the words I knew I couldn't say, searching for any other explanation to Raph's question.

As though hearing my unspoken words, Raph flinched as though hit, Donnie's face strained in anger and Mikey looked as though he had just heard that Pizza had been banned from New York.

"He's Not Your Brother" Raph yelled racing forward to grab me by the shoulders, shaking me.

"You hear me Leo? Brothers care for each other and protect each other. Like you do for us, like you've always done for us. Me, Donnie and Mikey. We are your brothers. We care for you, and we'll always protect you!"

"Leo, dude I know you have the biggest heart ever! But you gotta see that Stockman is bad news. He used you bro and I'm so sorry he did. But you have us now. Everything is alright. You have a family Leo. Us" Mikey squeezed me tightly as he spoke, from where he was suddenly velcroed to my side.

"Leo, you are not obligated to defend or protect him. Do you understand?" Donnie was stroking my hair as he spoke gently, him and Mikey suddenly glued to my sides as Raph continued to shake me.

"Leo! Stockman is dangerous. He stole you away from us. He kidnapped you. He lied to you!"

"You think I don't know that" I pushed Raph's hands away, peeling myself away from each of my younger brothers as I backpedaled. "I know that Raph! I was there when I discovered Baxter's research, remember? I know what he did. Don't think I'm not angry about it. Angry at him!"

"Well you don't act like it"

"Well I am!" I shouted, seething, before taking a few deep breaths. This was not how I wanted things to go.

"I am angry, Raph. I'm furious actually, but that doesn't erase a whole year worth of memories." I took a deep breath. "When I found out about Baxter's agenda, I didn't know what to think" I shook my head.

"I can't even find words to express how betrayed I felt" I shook my head. "To find out that someone I trusted had lied to me about everything. Hurt. it hurts more than.." I fought back tears.

My brothers' desire to comfort me was tangible in the crowded kitchen.

"Go on Leo" Karia's voice was patient.

"When I woke up I was terrified. I didn't know where I was. I didn't even know who I was! It was a loss of control and clarity that sent me spinning, but then I found some solid ground. Hearing that I had a brother just felt right. Having someone to care for, to protect, it gave me purpose, it gave me a drive. Having that didn't make me feel so lost anymore."

"Oh Leo" tears bubbled up in Mikey's baby blue eyes.

"He had no right to manipulate you like that Leo!" Donnie hissed lowly.

Raph just looked like he was on the verge of hitting something or someone. Hard.

"

"Having a brother to lean on, someone who needed me, it made me feel not so lost anymore. And he did need me." I thought back on Baxter's moments of fears, insecurities and down right confusion.

"The thing is. I think we were both lost in our way." I struggled to find the words. To explain something that I just felt. "And having each other, it just gave..us both the guidance and strength we needed." I shook my head. "But to find out all that was a lie...it.." my throat tightened up as I fought back more tears. "I felt as lost and confused as I had the day I woke up"

I felt Donnie's hand on my shoulder and looked up to see tears in his eyes.

"Leo" Donnie's voice broke. "I Hate that you went through that big brother. To be so lost and alone.."

"And in the hands of that mad man!" Raph seethed.

I reached out and pulled Raph into a tight hug, wanting to take away my brother's pain.

"But I'm here now and that's what matters."

"But we lost all that time!" Raph growled, clutching me closer. "Time we thought you were dead. Time where you were lost and confused and stuck with him."

I hugged Raph closer, burying my face in his shoulder as I pulled in my other two brothers into the embrace holding them close for a few minutes.

When we finally pulled back I saw a contemplative look on Karia's face.

"I've been meaning to ask Leo. How did you find out the truth? I mean from what it sounds, Stockman was pretty secretive about it and all." I watched the curiosity cross each of my brother's faces and let out a sigh.

"Before he was offered a job teaching at the university, Baxter tried turning over a new leaf. He took a job at a nearby nursery because he wanted to fix and build things instead of destroy them." I took a breath. "It wasn't until I saw a change in this new and purposeful mindset of his, that I became worried. He started shutting himself away and started acting paranoid so I pushed..but what I found was not what I was expecting" I frowned remembering the day. "You see he had turned his work space in the basement into this crazy lab straight out of a villians' liar in a cartoon. Most of the equipment I'd never seen before, he'd only shut himself away in this suddenly super secret environment for a week, so I was already alarmed at that whole development." I let out a sigh. "I had helped Baxter set up that lab, we were roommates, splitting the cost of rent and utilities and sharing the expenses of living. We had always been completely honest and open with each other, leaning on each other like family..or so I thought. When I saw Baxter's notes, saw his agenda..just saw what that lab had become..I felt like I had no idea who he was" I shook my head. "You see I got to know a totally different side of the Stockman you all know. The person I knew was trying to create a new life, a new start for himself and make an effort to be different than he was under Shredder"

I watched the ripple the name had on each brother.

"He..talked about Shredder?" Mikey asked, both a little shocked and worried.

I shrugged. "He had nightmares" a lot "I asked questions, he answered."

My answer seemed to have a sobering effect.

"Look" I let out a sigh. "Baxter has some demons, he's done a lot of things wrong in his life" I closed my eyes for a second while taking a breath.

"Then why do you defend him?" Raph's voice was quiet.

"Because I don't want to believe it was all a lie" the truth hurts to voice aloud.

"I want to..I have to believe that something was real. That my whole life wasn't some big lie!" Tears threatened my eyes once more and this time I couldn't hold them back as one of my biggest fears was finally voiced aloud. "If everything in my life. If everything we had was one big lie..I don't know how I would take that. I want to believe that there's good in him. I can't have imagined it." I closed my eyes and took a breath.

Opening my eyes I found four sets of concerned eyes.

"I know that you hate him" my voice cracked. "And understandably so..what he did was disposable but, that hate will only hurt you"

"It is what's inside of us that truly defines us, and I for one don't want to carry around hatred or vengeance. Baxter may have betrayed me, but I choose to forgive him. To believe that there may still be good in him. That doesn't mean I will trust him easily again, that's something that needs to be earned." I let my gaze linger on each one of my family. "Revenge and vendetta will only lead to a life of pain and suffering. In order to move on, it's important to let the past go. Forgiving is not the same as forgetting. But holding onto that pain will only weigh us down. I want to believe that Baxter can grow, maybe that's the optimist in me" I shrugged. "I'm not going to expect you to trust him or hope for him to change. But I do hope that you can learn to forgive. For your own sakes. Let the pain go. Don't let hatred harden your hearts, or destroy the caring and loving spirits you all have." I let my eyes linger on each of my siblings, sensing each of their inner turmoil and hoping and praying that this is something they could do. For their own sakes. I know it's something that takes time. But I want to be able to guide them toward a healthy understanding of this messy situation, and toward an open and forgiving mindset.

"Leo" Donnie looks up to meet my gaze after several long moments. "I understand what you're saying...it's hard..but" Donnie lets out a breath. "I'll try '' Donnie's smile is genuine and sincere and I can't stop the tears that threaten the edges of my eyes once more, in relief.

"I still feel like I owe Stockman a good pounding..but" Raph lets out a sigh. "I gotcha bro. I'll try. I ain't gonna forget, but.." Raph shrugs and I smile as I pull my brother into another embrace. Raph has the biggest heart of anyone I have ever met and probably ever will. It was my most volatile brother I was most concerned about. I didn't want hate and anger to poison his heart.

"Leo" I looked up to meet the baby blue eyes of my youngest, struck by the purity and honesty that lay there. "I don't..want to hate Stockman..I don't..I get what your saying..I'm just so angry..and"

"Me too Mikey" I opened an arm, an invitation he gladly took. "Me too" I kissed the top of his head as I held him close.

"You know" he murmured into my chest as I held my three siblings close. "As much as I dislike that Stockman had you for a year and we didn't...I'm glad you weren't alone"