Warning for suicidal ideation/thoughts within this chapter- lighter now, but they will continue as time goes on.


They didn't talk again during school, and Edd spent his Thanksgiving alone.

Well, actually, not totally alone.

He wished he had been alone- that would have been much less painful.

His parents came home, but it wasn't out of love for their son- it wasn't even out of obligation to take care of him or check on him, and he knew that. Even as his heart ached, he knew it was stupid and foolish of him to think that maybe they would think and care beyond his schooling and grades- beyond his accomplishments and how he appeared perfect to their peers.

They were perfect adults who would expect nothing less but perfection from their son, after all.

And he hated it- it made him want to curl up and cry but he couldn't. He couldn't cry- not when he went home with disappointment in his heart at the words Kevin said. Not when he had to stay up all night cleaning and preparing a thanksgiving meal for the two that didn't even care about how he felt or how he was doing.

He didn't get to cry when all he wanted to do was be a kid, and the idea that maybe he could play video games and relax was taken away as his parents demanded- in their cold, polite tones that he was replicating so well and he could just know they were proud- more from him.

"Eddward, the McGee girl is researching a good bit- more than you. You should make more efforts to keep up, son."

"Of course, mother." And that was all that was even said on the matter. He agreed with no argument, and he could tell that they were pleased.

Pleased their personal project called "Eddward" was turning out so well.

Tears didn't threaten to fall, but cries stayed locked within his chest- threatening to break against him. His lungs and ribs- they ached so painfully as they battered relentlessly against him to a point he was sure his body would break.

Honestly, he wouldn't mind that. To crumble and fall into an oblivious end where no such pain exists.

All he wanted to do was to cry- all he wanted was to go to Eddy's and curl up on his couch while he and Ed sat on either side of him and played their game- offering him their presence without words.

Edd just wanted comfort- to feel loved. Only Eddy and Ed offered him that- only they saw the cracks in him.

Maybe his parents saw his cracks, too.

They probably did- they were as smart as he was. Maybe they saw it but they refused to do anything- they refused to fix the problems he had because that would be admitting imperfection and flaws and they just couldn't do that.

They'd rather he break into a million pieces so they could sweep that failure under the rug.

And God all he wanted to do was cry.

He had thanksgiving dinner with them though, asking them the appropriate questions regarding their work and projects, listening attentively and being sure to respond the way he knew how to. Not paying attention held consequences for him- voices might raise and he'll be told how disappointing he is to them and he just couldn't deal with that anymore.

Not when he was so close to breaking.

Of course, when they had finished talking about their work and projects, they turned to him and asked him his questions.

There was a polite smile on his face as he answered. After so many years, he knew the script he was meant to follow when it came to them.

Internally he just felt like curling up in the shadows.

When they finally left- they had an important meeting to attend to and needed to be there in the morning- he sat at the table, hands in his lap. Needing a moment, he simply stared at the table.

Despite knowing he needed to rest, he did pick himself to go and clean- thoroughly and efficiently. He had to so he could evade being a failure. The idea of leaving it until morning was an appetizing thought in that at least he could get some more rest, but he knew that would leave him feeling disgusting. Furthermore, what if his parents were to return to see the table still a mess?

So, he cleaned.

It was so late when he finally got to go to bed, the weariness in his body weighed him down, threatening to pull him through the earth. He couldn't even go to sleep, however, as the exhaustion was not that relatable to sleepiness- no, it was on a spiritual level if Edd were to believe that sorta thing.

While standing in his room, preparing for bed, he glanced over and saw Kevin's house. The lights were on downstairs, and he saw animated silhouettes- the Barr family was alive and active still. Kevin was no doubt enjoying his time with his parents and family. Edd knew they were there, he had seen the cars pull up and his relatives or family friends

Edd envied the kids on the cul-de-sac. He knew they all had loving families- the closest to being like him was Johnny, but at least his foster parents showed more care and love to him than his own.

Even Johnny's parents viewed their child as a child, unlike how Edd's viewed him as some project to be molded and perfected.

There was a bitterness in the teenager as he recalled his feelings of jealousy- especially regarding his friends. He felt so awful- like he deserved punishment- for being jealous of their families.

Growing up Ed had struggled feeling a little neglected, but it had gotten better as both he and Sarah grew. As his sister was no longer a baby who needed to be coddled in her mother's eyes, love returned to both children. Especially as Ed grew intelligence wise and they were able to entrust him with more than simple chores. It was a struggle for his parents but they got better- they put forth that effort and while they weren't perfect, Ed felt loved and like he could rely on them.

Eddy's parents showed tough love, but in the end it worked for Eddy- he was an angry, loud, boy who got into fights and tried to scam his neighbors constantly. He wanted to fight them because he was greedy- he felt entitled to those things. As he mellowed out, they mellowed out. He acted all- how was Ed put it?- tsundere about his love for them, but it was there. They loved him in a fashion that helped him grow to be a better person. As he matured he understood it a bit better.

Only one time had Edd been so vulnerable and broken had he admitted his jealousies to his friends, unable to meet his eyes as his voice cracked and trembling shook his body. He was so deeply upset, then, and they knew it and he hated it but he just couldn't get himself to stop- to shut up so he didn't tell them how imperfect he really was.

But he did tell them- he told them just how terrible he truly was. Out came the secrets, how he envied them because while they had their struggles, at least they were loved. At least their parents took care not to put too much strain on them. At least they had that, while Edd was robbed of it- sure he had more money and a comfortable home but he'd drop that if he could just breathe.

Yet he couldn't.

Humiliation flooded Edd then, and it filled him again just by remembering it. Shame burned away within, along with the churning desire to cry and disappear. It made him feel nauseous.

It actually filled Edd with this… terrifying desire to just… stop. He didn't want to exist anymore- he didn't want to deal with that growing pressure pushing down on him, threatening to squish him.

Kevin's light in his room, across the street, turned on. Edd couldn't help but watch as Kevin walked in, looking tired but content.

Jealousy joined in with the shame burning inside him.

Everyone else got to be happy.

He just had to be successful.

Pulled from his thoughts by movement, Edd realized Kevin had seen him and offered an awkward, shy wave. Edd returned it, before closing his blinds and finally lying in bed.

He prayed he wouldn't wake up.

For that he would have had to sleep, and he did not that night.


Two chapters in one night? Power of a new laptop, y'all.

Anyways, wanted to take some time to explore Edd a bit more is all uwu. Who needs sleep when you have icecream and angst, right?