July 2010
John sighed as he sat on the edge of the bed, loosening his tie. Vera had promised him they would be married by the end of the month, but she had had to wait until the beginning of July because there were no closer dates available with the church. It was two in the morning when she had finally dragged him out of the wedding party to their hotel room. He watched her sitting at the vanity table, carefully putting her hair down. He couldn't say she wasn't nice to look at in her wedding gown. She was rather pretty, to be honest. But the cold and hard gleam in her eyes was out of place in a young bride's gaze. He rubbed his eyes, trying to chase off the feeling of dread, trying to bury under a thick layer of denial the knowledge that he had probably just made the biggest mistake in his whole life. Just a few hours earlier, in the early afternoon, as they were leaving for church, he had received one text from Mary Crawley.
"Dad told me you were getting married today. Anna won't contact you, but FYI, she's a total mess since you left. It's not too late to back out and come back to her."
He had not replied. It was too late. Yet, here in their bridal room, watching his bride get ready for a wedding night, Anna's blond curls and blue eyes were all he could think about. Hearing him sigh, Vera turned around to look at him, and twisted her lips.
- You're still thinking about her, aren't you?
As he kept silent, she came to sit at his side on the bed, and took his hand.
- Come on Johnny, won't you be reasonable? She was too good for you! She was too young! Twenty-two, for God's sake! Did you really think a twenty-two-year-old would want something serious with you? It's your money she was after, nothing else! Did you really fancy being a sugar daddy?
- I have no money, he said plainly. And please, stop calling me Johnny, I hate it.
- Well there you go, she replied, ignoring his second sentence. She would have toyed with you, and when she would have realized that you have no money, she would have left you broken-hearted. Really, you should be thanking me. I saved you from her and from yourself. This whole story was ridiculous. We are a something serious. I really do love you. We are going to have a family. Isn't this more important than some stupid infatuation?
As he still looked doubtful, she got up and went to her purse, and took out a little square black and white picture from it. She came back to John and held it out under his nose.
- This is more serious than any lies or fairytale promises she might have made to you.
John looked up, and his eyes widened at the sight of the sonogram picture Vera was showing him. He straightened and asked, surprised:
- What?… When did you have this done? Why didn't you tell me you were going?
- I went two days ago, she said dismissively. You had that conference call with your thesis director, I didn't want to disturb you.
- Vera, if you had told me you had an appointment, I would have made arrangements to move the call! I want to be involved!
- Oh, God, I'm sorry, love… I didn't know… Men in my family don't usually bother much about that kind of appointments! I would have told you if I had known it was important to you.
- Well, you could have asked in the first place, he pointed.
He was very disappointed he had missed that moment. He felt he had been robbed of a chance to see his future child, which was about the only thing that kept him going these days.
- I'm very sorry darling. I promise I'll tell you for the next one.
- I'd appreciate it, yes, he said, as he extended his hand to reach for the picture Vera was still holding.
But before he could take it in his hand, she turned around and went to put it back into her purse. John's hand fell back in his lap.
- So. Shall we make ourselves comfortable?, she suggested, taking off her gown.
John was able to notice that she had chosen some very advantaging lingerie. He started stripping off his wedding suit too, and joined her on the bed, in his under-shirt and underpants. She bent over him and kissed him tenderly, her hands roaming his chest under the under-shirt, until she made him sit up so she could remove the under-shirt over his head. As she looked at him with an expectant look on her face, he said:
- Sorry Vera, I'm very tired.
- Nonsense, she said in a tone that suffered no contradiction. This is our wedding night. Won't you honour your bride on her wedding night?
- I'm tired, he repeated.
But before he could react, she had stripped him of his underpants too, had straddled his legs, and was kissing him again. He turned his head away from her and mumbled:
- Vera, please. I told you I'm tired!
- Bullshit, she scoffed, as she started to kiss down his chest, and her hand closed around him and started palming him.
He crunched his eyes and his hands seized two fistful of sheet, and he moaned:
- Vera, leave me alone…
But even if his mind and heart didn't want it, his body reacted to Vera's touch, and he jerked up in surprise against a rush of unwanted sensations when she slid down towards the foot of the bed and took him into her mouth. From this moment on, he couldn't move any more, and stayed still and frozen as his body reacted without his mind's consent. He was like a spectator of what was happening in his own body. When Vera was satisfied with the result of her teasing, she came back over him and straddled him again, this time taking him in her.
- See?, she said. I know you'd like it. You say you're tired but I know you only like me to beg you. That's not nice, darling.
As she finished her sentence, she unhooked her bra and let it fall on the floor, then took both his hands and brought them on her breasts. She moaned out loud as she started moving on him rhythmically. He closed his eyes, trying to resist the unsolicited wave that was rising into him, but soon gave up, and let himself drown into the hurricane of contradictory feelings that were devastating him.
Moments later, as Vera had deemed herself satisfied and had left to the bathroom, he turned to his side, and tears wet his cheeks. He felt sick and filthy, and the sound of Anna's laughter kept ringing in his ears, bringing some more tears to his eyes.
x x x x
A few weeks later, John was at home working on his thesis when Vera came home from work.
- Good evening darling, she called out from the hallway as she was putting her shoes and jacket off.
She came into the study where John was working on the computer, and kissed his temple.
- Did you have a good day? Did you get some good work done?
John sighed.
- Some, but not as much as I'd like. It's harder when I can't meet my thesis director face to face to discuss things.
- Ah, yes, I understand. But I'm sure you'll manage. I'm knackered, she added.
- Have you been nauseous again?, he asked.
She had complained of early pregnancy sickness for the last three weeks.
- Yes…
- Would you like me to fetch you your crackers and lemonade?
- Oh, you'd be an angel, she said, kissing the side of his neck.
She left the study and went to lounge on the couch, as he went to the kitchen and got her order ready.
- I hope you'll soon feel better, he said, handing her a glass of lemonade and some crackers.
Sitting himself on the armchair opposite her, he added:
- My friend Robert Crawley called me today. He will be in Dublin next week. Shall we invite him to dinner?
Vera pouted:
- Oh, I don't know… I'm so tired lately… And with this sickness… I can't spend any time cooking or anything.
- Don't worry, I'll cook.
- But do we have to invite him? I don't like him that much. And I'm sure he never liked me either.
- Why would you say that? He never said anything like that to me.
- Well, maybe he's not being honest with you. I can tell when someone doesn't like me. No, really, I don't fancy having him over.
- OK… Well, I guess I'll go have dinner with him at the pub. Then you can rest at home and not see him. Would that be alright?
- If you prefer spending time with a guy than with your pregnant wife…
- Vera… It's not like that… Robert and I go way back, we've been through so much together. I miss him and I don't know when I'll be able to see him again.
- OK, OK, if that means so much to you… I guess I'll survive on my own for one night.
x x x x
Dinner at the pub had been a late night affair, since Robert, in his enthusiasm to hang out with his old friend again, had insisted that they go watch a cricket match before grabbing something to eat. So the evening was well under way when they had finally sat at a table in a pub and shared a pint of Guinness. When Robert asked questions about him and Vera, John tried his best to sound cheerful telling his mate about their honeymoon in the Connemara, and about the future baby. But he had to admit he sounded false. At last, Robert put down his pint, and wiped his mouth, before exhaling sharply.
- Look, John, you know I love you very much. So I hope you don't take what I'm about to say the wrong way. But I need to ask.
Robert held his friend's gaze silently for a moment, until John replied, defiantly:
- Yes?
- Are you sure you made the right choice with Vera? I'm sorry, I know it's not my place to meddle, but are you happy with her?
- Of course we are happy!, John spat out, a little too forcefully. She's having my baby! We are going to have a family. Why would you say that!
- OK, well, I'm happy to hear it, and I hope it's true, because, to be honest, I've been worried about you. But if you tell me things are fine…
- They are, thank you. I think I'm old enough to know what I'm doing, John said defensively. There's nothing to worry about.
John felt angry at his friend for having seen through what he was trying to deny with all his might.
- OK, said Robert apologetically. Fine then. I'm glad for you.
- Thank you Robert, said John curtly.
What he really wanted to ask Robert about, was how Anna was doing. But he bit his tongue and refrained. Either way Robert would answer, it would hurt too much.
John kept an uneasy feeling as he headed home after having dropped Robert off at his hotel. He could tell Robert had not been entirely convinced by his reassuring words. He felt his friend was drifting away from him, and they couldn't speak frankly to each other any more. Closing the house's main door behind him, he noticed his phone on the table in the hall. He hadn't even noticed he had left it home before leaving. He went down the hall to the living-room, where he found Vera curled up in the couch, her head in her hands.
- Vera? Is everything alright?
Vera got up from the couch and revealed her tears-washed face.
- Where were you?!, she cried.
- You know where I was…, he replied. I was with Robert!
- You leave me alone at home all night, and I can't even reach you! I tried to call you a thousand times!
At that point John started to panic:
- But why? What's wrong? What happened?
- I lost the baby John! That's what happened! And you weren't even there for me, you were off at the pub with your pal!
- Oh God, Vera… I'm so sorry!
John opened his arms to his wife, who came to snuggle against his chest, sobbing. As he embraced her, tears started rolling on his cheeks too, a crushing feeling of guilt gripping at his heart.
x x x x
November 2017
John sat collapsed on the couch, motionless and without reaction, as he heard, down the hall, Vera slamming the door. He was beginning to wonder if Anna's apparition at the hospital hadn't been a figment of his imagination, a happy dream, a glimpse of a life he would never get for real. As Vera came back to the sitting-room, he asked:
- Who was it?
- Just some stupid salesperson, she huffed. Never you mind.
She came to stand in front of him, angrily folding her arms on her chest.
- You can't do anything right, can you? Not even that? What kind of sissy does that with whisky and pills? Real men hang themselves! Or jump off a cliff! You're such a loser…
John didn't answer, but tilted his head down.
- Did you think of me for one second?, she went on. How you're making me look? What am I going to tell my family? We're supposed to be a happy couple! I had to lie to my mum, tell her you had been taken to hospital for a chest infection…
- Maybe we could tell them the truth? That you lied to me for seven years, and that's why I fell into depression and wanted to escape from you?
Vera looked down at him like he was some sort of very ugly slug.
- You're such an ungrateful prick. I've provided for you, you've lived in my house, on my money, when you've not been able to make a living for all those years, because of your very convenient depression. And that's how you're rewarding me.
- Aren't you tired of living this lie of the happy couple, Vera? We're not happy, and we've never been. Maybe it's time we admit it and go on our separate ways. You can go off with your new friend, Ronan or whatever his name is.
Vera shot him a sharp look.
- Yes, he shrugged. I know about him. I'm not as stupid as you think I am. I know you were with him last night. You didn't even bother to hide. I don't even care. Just let me have a divorce and do whatever you want with him.
- Oh, so you can go off with your blond trollop?!
- Don't call her that!, he said sharply.
- I'll call her whatever I want! I know she was there yesterday!
- So? You can't very well blame me, after spending the week-end with your own lover!
- She won't come back, you know. Maybe she came out of pity for you, but she won't burden herself with a failure like you.
- She said she wouldn't leave without me. And you lied to me, again, when you said she was married with two kids! She's not.
Seeing that she was in difficulty, Vera suddenly decided to change her strategy. She sat near John and took his hand.
- Johnny, love. We're husband and wife. We've built a life. I know it hasn't been easy every day, but you don't want to throw all that away, do you? My parents would be devastated. And so would I. I know I messed up. I don't even like Ronan. It's you I love. It's always been you.
She gently stroked his cheek, and he froze for a short moment under her touch, then shrugged himself out of his daze and started pacing the living-room.
- Stop it Vera! Stop! You've driven me half-mad with your hot and cold manners! You keep saying you love me but you hurt me and lie to me. I can't do this any more! It's unbearable! I'm leaving! I should have done this years ago. I should have stopped this from the very beginning in fact.
As he crossed the room to make his way upstairs, she suddenly stepped in his way, preventing him to get through the door.
- What do you want?, he sighed.
- You're not leaving, she said threateningly.
- Yes, I am. I'm done with you controlling me.
- No, you're not. If you go back to her, I will find you. Maybe you don't value your own life, but what about hers?
- Are you threatening to kill her?
John felt a pang of dread in his chest at the thought. He wouldn't put anything past Vera. She scoffed dismissively.
- Oh I don't need to go to those lengths. But I can make your life hell.
- My life with you is already hell.
- I can make her life hell. You know I'm not afraid of the police.
Vera's father and one of her brothers were policemen, and high-ranking at that. Right now, John was on good terms with them, and no one in the family was aware of the reality of his relationship with Vera. But he knew without hesitation that if time came to take sides between him and Vera, they would do anything to protect their kin. So she knew very well that any complaint filed against her had no chance of going anywhere. John sighed.
- I'm tired. I'm going to sleep. I'll be in the guest-room, he said in a neutral tone.
As he started walking up the stairs, he turned around to Vera and asked:
- Oh, and could you give me my phone back?
Vera smiled sourly and went to retrieve the phone in her purse. She handed it to him, and he saw the shattered screen.
- Yeah, sorry, I might have broken it…, she said in a falsely apologetic voice.
Without taking it, he turned around and went up the stairs.
As he let himself fall down on the bed in the guest-room, thoughts were whirling in his head. She had broken his phone, voluntarily of course, so that he could not call Anna. She had threatened Anna. This time, he knew he had to get out of this hell. He had already almost taken his own life, but seeing Anna, and touching her hand the day before had made him realize that he didn't really want to die. What he really wanted, was to be rid of Vera, and be with Anna. He felt so lucky that Anna was still single and still cared about him. A few days ago he wouldn't have bet a cent on it being likely. But he didn't want to drag her into his troubles. He had to find a way to contact her, and let her know about Vera's threats. He wanted her to be aware of what she was standing against, and give her a chance to back out and go back to England. Even if her leaving would definitely finish him. He thought about how Anna must have been confused when she had discovered that he had left the hospital without telling her. But he didn't have his phone back at the hospital, and now he didn't have a phone at all.
x x x x
When Vera had slammed the door into her face, Anna had chosen not to insist, and had gone back to her hotel. She didn't fancy a fight with Vera. They had to be cleverer than her. She assumed that if John had not contacted her since he had left the hospital, it had to be because Vera had prevented him to. She opened her laptop, and sent him an email, hoping he was still using the same old address, and he would be able to access his inbox.
"My dear John,
I've been so happy to see you and talk to you yesterday at the hospital, although it made me very sad that you are in such a bad place in your life. I was disappointed not to find you when I came back to the hospital this morning, but I guess Vera must have found a way to prevent you from calling me. I came to your house later, but she slammed the door into my face. However, as I told you yesterday, I am not leaving without you. Please, gather your most important belongings, and papers, and pack a suitcase. Then, call me, text me or email me, whichever you can, as soon as she has left the house. I'll come right away with a car to pick you up and we'll hide somewhere. You can reach me day or night, I don't care. I'll come at three in the morning if necessary. I can't let her go on destroying you.
I'll be waiting for you.
Yours, Anna"
She pressed "send", and started to wait.
