A/N: I know I skipped a week last week. And I might be skipping next week (and maybe the following week). Sorry! I'm prepping for surgery and things are so incredibly busy right now as I'm trying to get everything in order before that happens. I'm hoping to get enough done now so that I can focus on writing and recovering post-surgery, so time is tight. I promise I'm not dropping this story. It might be a few weeks before my next chapter, but it absolutely will be coming!

~ Chapter 5: Lake ~

"Will you just pick a movie?" Lucy asked. She was lying on her bed and was currently playing with Addie's ears. She had an amused smile on her face. I'd been saying random movie titles for nearly half an hour hoping that she'd have some kind of reaction that would let me know what she wanted to watch.

"You could also pick the movie," I pointed out.

"Nah. This is what we agreed on. I picked dinner, you figure out the movie." We'd come up with the system the first day of summer when we'd gotten into a 'I'm fine with whatever' back and forth that essentially lasted our whole date. It cut some of the romance to essentially be assigned a task for our dates, but it was better than sitting around and not doing anything because we didn't want to make decisions. One of us was always in charge of the meal, the other entertainment. It worked.

I groaned as loudly as I could which only made her smile bigger. She was lucky she was so cute. "Give me your laptop. I'll see if anything stands out."

"It's on my desk."

"God, you're lazy. You know that?"

She snorted. "Sure."

I reluctantly got up and grabbed her laptop. Once I logged in, the article she'd been reading before I got here caught my attention. I wouldn't have read it if I knew what was in it. When I'd read the title… I mean, yeah. It was exactly what the title said it was. I guess I just figured it wasn't going to be that. "We need to talk, don't we?"

Lucy sat up and looked at me curiously. Addie let out a short whine when she realized Lucy was done petting her. "About what?"

I chewed on my lip before I turned her laptop towards her.

Her look of confusion disappeared and was replaced by one of mortification. "Oh. That." She crossed her legs and looked at me. I recognized that expression. She wore it every time she was going to talk about something deeply uncomfortable. "Do you think about having sex with me?"

"Of course," I told her.

"Then what's the problem?" Lucy asked.

I looked down at the comforter. "I don't know what I'm doing."

"Neither do I. That's kind of one of the nice things about this. We get to figure it out together."

"No, you don't understand."

"Then help me," she urged.

"When I slept with Felix for the first time, I was terrified. But part of me knew that it was going to be fine. I had some stuff I needed to work through, but I had an idea of what it was going to look like. And I have boobs which I knew Felix would find really exciting because he doesn't have them, but with you…"

"Wait. sorry. I know this is probably hard for you to talk about, but did you just try to say that Felix slept with you because you have boobs and he doesn't?" Lucy asked incredulously.

"That's not why he slept with me, but I thought it would be enough that, even if sex sucked the first time, he'd try again, you know?"

"And because I have boobs, I won't feel that way?" She scrunched up her forehead.

"I know it doesn't make sense."

"You're right. It doesn't. Lake." She reached for my hand. "This is scary for me too. I don't know what I'm doing, but I want to give it a shot. I don't want you to be in your head, though. I'm not going to see you naked and…" she cut herself off and a line formed on her forehead. I knew that line well; it was a sure-fire sign that Lucy was connecting dots that I wished she'd just leave alone. "But that's not what you're worried about, is it?" I ducked my head. "I'm not going to compare myself to you."

"I know you won't."

"So you're worried you're going to compare yourself to me."

I nodded. "I've spent my whole life trying to be as pretty or as thin or as smart as the girls around me. And you're so perfect. I'm not like that."

"Yes you are," she said gently. "You are perfect for me." She gave me a quick kiss. "I'm not going to pressure you, but… don't let that be what stops you. I hope that not a lot of thinking will be happening when we have sex."

I couldn't help my laugh. "It's just different for me."

"I know it is," Lucy acknowledged. She got a fierce look in her eyes. "And I know that nothing can change the bullshit you went through when you were little. I mean, your mom made you fast after a growth spurt because you gained weight. Like, no shit. If you weighed the same now as you did when you were five, we'd have a problem. It wouldn't be healthy." Lucy had gotten way more out of me than anyone ever had. Because she'd asked. I think most people (and me) thought that what I shared was enough, but Lucy wanted to understand. She wanted the whole picture. It had been hard for me but, reluctantly, I'd told her everything. I dusted off memories that I'd long since repressed and, with Lucy, I'd started to separate who I was now from what I went through when I was little.

I didn't think Lucy would ever fully forgive my mom for that, but I knew my mom just wanted what was best for me. She went about it in the completely wrong way, but it was only because she loved me. Lucy had warmed up to her after her (shocking) acceptance of our relationship. At least, I thought it was shocking; my mom seemed to think it was normal for her and not an unprecedented display of maternal understanding. Maybe I wasn't giving her enough credit. I never thought she'd have a problem with it; I just thought that she'd be disappointed because it wasn't how she'd have lived her own life. "I'm sorry."

"You don't need to be sorry. This is where you're at. We'll keep working on it. I know that you're coming into this with baggage, and I'll wait. Even if I'm waiting until we're old and gray." I knew she was joking, but I couldn't make myself smile.

"I'm sorry that I'm not as good at this stuff as you are."

Lucy sighed. "Say it."

"Oh, come on."

"No, we talked about this. Say it."

I groaned. "I really hate this, you know."

Lucy grinned. "I know."

I closed my eyes. "It's not a competition. I'm doing the best I can and that's good enough. There. Happy?"

"Very." She kissed me which did help mute some of the feelings of self-consciousness. It was still new to me. Lucy was so adamant that I needed to be okay with the fact that it took her zero time to be comfortable with letting everyone know she was in a relationship with me and there were still times that I wondered if I'd made a colossal mistake. It only took a reminder that we wouldn't be together if I hadn't done it for me to know I hadn't, but still. It was so much harder for me. It bothered Lucy who didn't understand why it wasn't enough that I'd done it. She didn't understand why it wasn't enough that it had taken her walking away for me to realize how much I didn't want to be the kind of person that let her walk away.

Then stupid Benji suggested that Lucy do something about it if my comments were bothering her that much and this was the something she decided. So… yeah. Screw Benji. I'm like 99% sure he never made Victor do anything like this. Yet, I couldn't be mad at her because I knew she genuinely believed that everything I did was good enough.

Ugh. Sometimes it sucked to date someone as amazing as her. I glanced at her laptop. "Is that how you want to do it?"

Honestly, it was so worth it just to see how flustered she got. She shrugged. "I just wanted to know… I don't know. I guess I've never really had to think about making it good for someone else before, you know."

I snickered. "I told you. Boobs."

She tried really hard not to laugh, but it didn't work. It just made her eyes water for a second before a snort escaped her. "I hate you," she said affectionately.

I looked at her laptop again. It was like a magnet. My eyes were drawn to it. "I really do, you know. Want to be with you."

"I believe you," she promised.

I kept talking as if she hadn't spoken. "And maybe the right thing to do is rip off the Band-Aid. We can only have one first time. After that… I mean, you'll know."

Lucy closed her eyes for a moment. "As flattering as it is to hear you talk about sex with me like it's going to be as painful as ripping off a Band-Aid, no." She stood up so her back was to me. "I meant what I said before. I'll wait. Yeah, I'm ready, but… I don't want you to think of this as something we need to get out of the way. You should be excited for this. I want you to feel the way I feel right now before we sleep together. So, I'm taking it off the table. We'll revisit this… I don't know. In a month or two. See how you feel then."

I really, really didn't deserve her. Like, not even a little bit.

But also, I didn't know if it was some reverse psychology nonsense, but her taking sex off the table made it so that was all I could think about.

It meant I spent a lot of really late nights on Google. I didn't know what it was about the dark of the night, but it made this whole thing a lot less terrifying. I didn't know why I was freaking out so much. It wasn't like I was a virgin. But… it kind of felt like I was. Was gay virginity different than straight virginity?

My only distraction from all of this was Mia and her possible impending departure. A few days later, I hesitantly broached the subject with her.

Mia was watching Kyle. Her dad was leaving in two days, so I understood why he wanted a last-minute date with Veronica. She'd be here another week but then they'd be on their own in California. Who knew when they'd get another date night?

Kyle was pretty darn cute too. I didn't know what it was about babies, but it was hard to talk about anything bad with him around. Maybe I was afraid he'd catch on and it would ruin his mood - he was a remarkably smiley baby. It wasn't just me that thought that. Harold took every chance he could to talk about how calm Kyle was… once he warmed up to someone. If he didn't know you? It was a completely different story.

Today, though, I knew I couldn't put it off. There was something about being surrounded by boxes that made me realize that we were running out of time. "I noticed you haven't started to pack yet." Okay, maybe not my most subtle moment. Mia looked over at me curiously. "I wasn't sure if you've given any more thought to whether you were going to stay."

She shrugged. "I haven't been given another option."

I tried very hard not to be insulted by that. She knew my house was an option, but I took that as a sign that maybe we needed to get the ball rolling with it. "Hmmm," I murmured.

"Have you made a decision about Lucy?" she asked.

"I'm getting there. I'm just… scared," I told her. She picked Kyle up and balanced him on his feet. He immediately started to bounce.

"I know. I just think… even when you were with Felix, you weren't like this."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I don't know. It's like you're less afraid now. You're more you. It's nice to see."

"I was me before," I said softly. Maybe not when I started dating Felix, but he made me better. I went into my relationship with Lucy more capable of being one half of a relationship than I'd been when I started dating Felix.

"It's still nice to see you so happy," she said softly.

"I am happy," I confirmed. I'd be happier if I knew Mia was staying, but I'd talk to my mom and figure that out. At least I had a plan. I reminded myself of that when Mia suggested we order sushi and all talks of Mia leaving and Lucy faded.

I asked my mom about it that night and she agreed that Mia could stay with us if it was okay with her dad. I was so excited. Finally, we'd be able to figure this out. Mia would have an option B and, of course, she'd take it. I thought it was perfect, so I was confused when Lucy didn't.

"I think you should talk to Mia first."

"I did," I pointed out. "She said she hadn't been given another option, so I'm giving her an option."

"I know, but don't you think she'll be blindsided?" Lucy asked. I wished I could see her, but she was on grandpa duty, so she was sitting in a dark room and FaceTime would be pretty useless.

I frowned. "No. She can't be, right?"

"I dunno," Lucy murmured.

"It's gonna be fine. You'll see."

Lucy let it drop after that, but I couldn't quite shake the feeling of impending doom.

I tried to tell myself that I was just getting in my head about it because it was such a high-stakes decision. I almost convinced myself of that by the time Harold welcomed us into his kitchen Monday once my mom finished work. It was early - my mom was covering for some man recovering from getting his knee replaced. She was very excited because it was a big deal for her to have been chosen as his temporary replacement and it would be months before he could come back. I was mostly aware that it meant she went to bed at like 6 pm every day so she could wake up at 2 and she was home around when I woke up most days. Today, it felt incredibly convenient.

Harold had called up to Mia. She'd called back that she'd be down in a minute. She was putting Kyle down for his nap.

Veronica put a cup of coffee in front of my mom and took a seat next to Harold with her own mug. "How's Lucy?" Veronica asked.

"She's good. Her brother just got a job in Washington, so she's been helping him pack and get ready to go. He moves August 1st."

"That's so exciting. What's he going to be doing?" Veronica asked.

"He's going to be doing something with research," I told her. I scrunched my forehead because, for the life of me, I couldn't remember the name of his job. "He essentially works for a company that other companies hire to do research, analyze the results, and make suggestions."

"That must be a big adjustment for her."

"Yeah. She's already starting to miss him. He's not going to come home until Thanksgiving." I didn't add in that it sucked that they essentially alternated grandpa duty which meant they didn't have much time left together at all. The situation with her grandpa wasn't exactly a secret, but it was still need-to-know.

"I'm sure it's tough. I still remember when I went away to school. Leaving my brother and parents behind was the hardest thing I ever did."

I was pretty sure I wasn't imagining the double meaning behind her words. "But it worked out, right? Leaving was the right decision for you?"

Veronica frowned. She never had a chance to answer because Mia came into the kitchen. "What's going on?"

"Lake and her mother wanted to stop by to make sure we'd be comfortable with you staying with them when we leave."

I didn't know how things went south so quickly, but Mia took a step back. "What?"

"Well, you said yesterday that you hadn't been given another option, so here it is. You can stay with us," I told her.

I didn't know what I was expecting. Her gratitude, excitement, relief. I was not prepared for her anger. She didn't say anything. She just crossed her arms and exuded fury. "I haven't figured out what I'm doing yet," she said stiffly.

"And maybe it's too much pressure to figure it out right now," her dad said softly. He had a weird expression on his face that I couldn't begin to place. It was almost like he was being tortured. "Bug, we love you and we would love nothing more than for you to come with us, but we get that it's your senior year. We just don't want you to move with us because you feel like it's your only option."

Mia ducked her head. She was practically shaking. She opened and closed her mouth before she shook her head. "I need a minute."

I followed her when she ran out. "Mia, wait. What's going on?" I asked.

She spun to face me. "What the hell?" she demanded.

"What? I thought you'd be happy?"

"Happy?" She asked incredulously. "You just ambushed me."

"Okay, tone back the theatrics. You literally just said that you didn't have another option. I thought that was your way of asking for an option."

"Well, it wasn't. My dad had to hear from you that I might not want to move with him. This wasn't your decision to make. Jesus, this is what you always do. You make decisions for everyone else based on what you want. It's what went wrong with you and Felix and now you did it to me." I stared at her. Her words hurt me in a way I wasn't used to. I didn't know how to describe it. It was like she'd seen my deepest insecurity and put words to it. She seemed to realize what she said after a minute. "I'm sorry, but it's true. Maybe you need to trust the people in your life for once before you push them away. This wasn't your decision to make."

"I didn't make a decision. I just wanted you to know that you could stay with me. I thought you'd be happy."

"No, you thought you'd be happy." Mia took a step away from me. "You need to go."

"Mia, wait. I'm sorry. I didn't think this would upset you so much."

"Because you weren't thinking about me, Lake!" she said furiously. Mia had this way of being angry that was somehow worse than if she shouted. It was like she picked every word with care and threw as much animosity as she could into them.

"I was. I just wanted you to have options."

"Maybe I don't want any other options. Did you ever think about that?" she snapped.

No, I hadn't because it wasn't something that could exist in my world. Why wouldn't Mia want to stay with me? All the reasons that came to mind were about me not being good enough, so maybe Mia was right. Maybe wanting her to stay had everything to do with me and nothing to do with her. "I'm sorry," I whispered.

"I just need some space right now. Between you and Andrew, I feel like I'm being suffocated. Just go." Mia ran up the stairs and I didn't try to follow her this time. Veronica did and, after a moment, her father ascended the steps as well. I didn't realize we had an audience, but we must've because my mom was furious.

"You said she wanted to stay with us," she hissed while we walked to the car. I guessed I couldn't blame her for being mad. This couldn't have been any more pleasant for her than it had been for me.

"I thought she would," I whispered. I closed my eyes. "Can you drop me off at Lucy's?" My mom didn't answer, but she started her car and five minutes later we were outside Lucy's house. "I'll get her to drive me home."

I got out of her car before she called me. "Lake? Sweetie? I'm sorry this isn't working out the way you wanted it to."

I only nodded before I ran to Lucy's house. She was on grandpa duty which technically meant I shouldn't be here, but I needed to see her.

I knocked lightly in case her grandpa was awake, and she answered right away. "What are you doing here?" she asked surprised. Then she seemed to take in everything about how I looked. "What's wrong?"

"You were right," I whispered. "This was a mistake."

To Lucy's credit, she never said "I told you so" as I filled her in on what happened. She didn't ask many questions either. She let me get it all out before she got started on lunch for us. Her grandpa was in the recliner in the living room, but I knew that was temporary. He was surprisingly fast for someone in his eighties.

Last week, he'd started doing this new thing where he'd get out of bed and try to sneak out because he thought he was in prison. Then he'd get angry when they caught him. I'd been over once when Logan was watching him, and it had taken both Logan and Lucy to get him back into bed; the entire time he'd been accusing them of trying to kill him - it had been terrifying. So now, when he slept, they had to be in the room with him. I knew his nap would mean I'd have to leave and I hated everything about the thought of that.

This part was temporary. Logan was moving in a month and they had no choice but to get him help. I knew her dad was playing around with the idea of a home health aide, but I thought they were leaning toward some kind of Assisted Living for people like him. He'd have more resources there.

To my surprise, Logan showed up a few minutes later. "He's gonna cover me," Lucy said quietly. I stared at her amazed. I didn't think she'd ever done something like this before. She stuck to her schedule religiously. "I'll cover for him tomorrow." I sincerely hoped that meant we were doing date night tonight instead.

She grabbed her purse before she ushered me out. "Where are we going?" I asked.

"It's a surprise," she said evasively. I honestly thought we were going to go to our park, but she drove in the opposite direction. It wasn't too far before we pulled into a parking lot. She glanced at my feet before she let out a sigh of relief. "You're wearing sneakers."

I glanced down. I'd just thrown them on this morning. "Yeah. and?"

"It's good. You'll need them." Hiking. That was her big plan. I'd gone nearly eighteen years of my life without hiking and she planned to break my streak today. "It's worth it. Trust me," she pleaded.

If it was anyone else, I would've called an Uber. "Fine," I told her. "But don't expect me to enjoy this."

She chuckled. "It's a short hike. Promise. It's where Benji and I used to come when we were upset about something."

It was enough to get me to follow her. "You and Benji?" I asked.

"Yeah. I guess that, at some point, our houses started to feel suffocating. But we never felt that way here. It was like it was our safe space to talk about the hard stuff."

"Like what?"

"Like… some stuff I can't tell you because it's Benji's and he gets to make that decision. But for me? We could talk about my mom or how I might be into girls or how hard it was when my grandpa came to stay with us and how I felt guilty for feeling inconvenienced by someone I love."

Sometimes the depth of Lucy and Benji's friendship still amazed me. It was hard to believe that the people that spent hours arguing over whether baby pandas or baby bears were cuter and teased each other over weird sex dreams they'd had were the same people that have bared their souls to one another. "Huh. Why haven't we come here before?"

She frowned. "I guess… this place holds all the bad stuff and most of the stuff with you has been amazing. The last time I came here was the day after we had dinner with your parents."

I sighed. "Right. When I almost ruined everything."

"That's not the pity party you're throwing yourself," she reminded me. She held out her hand to help me over an uneven surface.

"So I only get one pity party?" I asked indignantly. "That doesn't seem fair."

Lucy snorted. "Let us deal with one at a time, kay?"

I rolled my eyes. "Where are we going anyway?" I asked.

We rounded a corner. "Here."

I stopped dead because I never, not in a million years, would've guessed that something so beautiful would be in Atlanta. Not that it was an ugly city or anything, but a waterfall surrounded by green that had an almost fairy tale look to it? Yeah. I wasn't ready for that.

We found a spot on some to sit down and, for a moment, we just watched it. I understood what Lucy meant when she said that it was easier to talk about the bad stuff here.

It was also just easier to talk. We spent hours sitting there going back and forth. I wasn't going to claim to be a hiking enthusiast, but I got the appeal of having an outlet like this and a quiet space that made it easy to connect.

After that, I was back in sex-research mode. I think I was trying very hard to avoid thinking about my crumbling relationship with Mia. I knew she was mad and part of me knew that she had a point, but I didn't think she realized how much it sucked to always be left behind. She was always the one leaving me and I was trying not to take it personally.

I knew that I needed actual advice. Advice I couldn't get from Google. So, I called Victor.

It didn't occur to me until he answered that it was nearly 1 am, but he didn't sound like I woke him up. "Hey, Lake. Everything okay?" he asked wearily. He claimed he wasn't team Mia in this argument, but he was her first and biggest defender so that's where he was at.

"Yeah. I just… okay, I know this is weird, but were you freaking out before you slept with Benji?"

He snorted. "I think freaking out is an understatement. I got drunk and nearly killed myself falling off the bed trying to get service so I could ask my friend about sex. I don't recommend that."

"What do you recommend?"

"Talk to Lucy," he said immediately. "Everything that went wrong that night happened because I was scared to talk to Benji. We spent hours that night talking about sex so when it finally happened, I wasn't scared. I knew what he wanted and what I should do. I was ready."

"Why is it that whenever I ask you a question, your answer is to talk about it?"

"Because it's the only answer there is." I would've called him out on being cheesy, but I knew he meant it.

"Okay, but say Lucy doesn't have the answers. You have no idea how lucky you are that Benji wasn't a virgin and that you had nothing to compare it to. What if I'm only good at having sex with a guy? And does that even count? I'm not a virgin but am I? And… do we need to come up with a safe word or does that only apply when we… I don't know… start to experiment?"

Victor was quiet for a long time. I honestly thought he fell asleep until the video request came in. I was surprised when he and Benji filled my screen.

"What's the big emergency?" Benji asked.

"Lake is thinking about having sex with Lucy," Victor told him.

"Then she needs to talk to Lucy," Benji said immediately.

Victor grinned at him. "That's what I said."

"I honestly hate you both," I grumbled.

"Lake did make a good point though."

"I did? I mean, yes. Of course." I had no clue what I'd said.

"Lake pointed out that when we slept together, you knew what you were doing. I may have been reluctant and it took falling off a bed for me to tell you how scared I was, but we talked about it for a long time before we did anything. You had the experience so it wasn't a 'we'll figure it out as we go along' conversation. They can't talk about it in the same way, you know." Benji stared at Victor which meant it looked like he was staring at me too; it was weird. I thought he almost looked a little awestruck. "What?"

"Sorry. I just don't think I've ever heard you talk about sex with someone other than me without getting embarrassed." Benji put his hand over his heart. "I feel like you've sexually graduated or something."

"You had to make it weird."

"Eh, it was pretty weird before," I interjected. "If you're just gonna flirt and do some Facetime foreplay, I can hang up."

Benji muttered something that sounded like "don't I wish" before Victor rolled his eyes.

"You've been with guys and girls. You know what it's like to go from having sex with girls to having sex with guys for the first time. I thought you might be able to help her a little more than I could. But if you're just gonna be like this…"

"No, you're right. I'm sorry. I'm just tired. It took us longer to get to South Carolina than we thought it would."

"It's okay."

Once they were done being… I didn't even know the word. It wasn't exactly flirty, but there was something about their conversation that made me feel like I was eavesdropping. Once they were done, they were actually helpful. Especially Benji because he knew exactly what it felt like to feel like he shouldn't be scared because he wasn't a virgin. Granted, Benji had slept around a lot before he had sex with a guy for the first time and had considered himself "good at straight sex" (I honestly couldn't believe he said that), but he really did get it. He didn't know what sex would feel like with actual feelings and not just physical feelings and he said it didn't matter how much experience he had with girls; it was different in so many ways. That made me feel better.

It was mostly Benji and I talking until I started to try to figure out what I needed to ask Lucy about before we could sleep together. "I mean, do you even have a safe word?"

"Of course, we have a safe word," Victor told me like I'd asked a ridiculous question. "Every couple should."

"What is it?"

Victor looked mortified. "I mean… no. We don't have one. What even is a safe word?"

"So, it's something embarrassing?"

"It's not embarrassing. It's just random," Benji pointed out.

"How'd you pick it?"

"We went back and forth suggesting different things. We got an unlimited number of vetos until we agreed on something."

"We tried to avoid people's names," Victor told me.

"And foods," Benji added. "We didn't want to have to change it at any point." Boy, did that make my imagination wander. I got a sudden mental image of Benji covered in chocolate syrup. I quickly shook my head. There was no time for that… wow. No time for a shirtless Benji. What had this world come to?

"You don't have to go into detail, but have you ever had to use it, or do you just have it as a safety net?"

Victor hung his head. "We've used it," he said softly. "You will too. Especially as you try new things. I think it's all part of learning what makes sense for you. Something might seem like a great idea but it just doesn't feel right and there's too much out there that's great to force yourself to have uncomfortable sex."

"Did you figure it out before you slept together for the first time? Is this something Lucy and I need to talk about now?"

Benji frowned. "We had it way before we started having sex. For the other stuff."

Victor looked away from his phone for a minute. "Uh. I'll be right back. My dad wants to talk to me."

"It's 2 am."

"I know." His forehead creased before he put his phone down so we had a view of his ceiling.

"Weird," I muttered.

Benji looked perplexed. "I hope everything's okay."

"Is there a reason it wouldn't be?"

Benji shrugged. "Armando isn't usually one for 2 am talks. Not when he has to be at work at 7."

"Oh."

"I'm sure it's nothing," he said. I could tell he was trying to convince himself of that. "Anyway. Lake, I can't tell you how much Lucy and I have talked about this. Even if it's bad, Lucy will try again. And she's just as scared as you are." I scoffed. "I'm serious. She's nervous that she will somehow make it harder for you. She wouldn't go into detail, but she said that she was afraid she'd do something wrong and turn you off of sex. She knows that you're coming into it with… what did she call it?" He frowned. "I can't remember, but she's really worried that she won't be able to make it good enough that that stuff doesn't matter. Don't tell her I told you that; she didn't want to put that pressure on you."

I stared at him because, with all the stuff I had to work through, I never considered that Lucy would be nervous about my stuff too. It almost made me feel guilty. Almost. Mostly, it made me aware that she really got it. And maybe if she got it, the other stuff was true too. Maybe our first time would just be about us showing each other how much we loved each other. Maybe it wouldn't be an awakening for her about how messed up I am because she obviously already knew. Maybe it wouldn't be marred by me thinking about how different we looked and how much better she was because maybe it wouldn't matter.

"Huh." It was the only sound I was capable of making.

That 'maybe' grew in strength. By the time Victor got back, Benji and I had barely spoken a word, but I'd started to look at sex in an entirely different light. "Sorry about that."

"Everything okay?" I asked.

"Yep," he said simply.

"Okay. I'm gonna get some sleep," I said. "Thank you. Both of you. This was so freaking weird, but it helped."

"I'd say anytime, but I really hope you'll talk to Lucy instead of us now," Victor told me.

I nodded. I knew he was right. "I will. Thanks."

I hung up but didn't fall asleep. My mind was spinning.

It didn't stop spinning, but I thought I got used to it. And it was like the spinning almost helped me organize my thoughts and feelings because all the unimportant stuff seemed to fly right off the ride. Which was why, Thursday afternoon, I called Lucy.

"Hey." Her voice was a whisper.

"Your grandpa's sleeping?" I guessed.

"For now," she grumbled.

"I think you deserve a break."

"Don't I wish?"

"Well, you don't have grandpa duty tomorrow, right?" I knew she didn't. Fridays and Saturdays were her days off. I think Logan felt bad for the fact that Lucy was essentially going to be watching her grandpa full time in August.

"Right," she said slowly.

"So, maybe you want to come over and, I don't know, stay the night. My parents are leaving tomorrow afternoon for the weekend."

Lucy was quiet for a long time. "I can't tell if you're asking me what I think you're asking me or if it just sounds like that because it's off the table so you don't have to think about what you're saying."

"Okay. I got like, 25 percent of that," I told her. "I think… I think I'm ready, Luce. no, I know I'm ready. Or, I'm almost ready. We apparently need to talk about this."

Lucy chuckled. "Who'd you call?"

"Take a guess," I grumbled.

"Did you finally talk to Mia?" she asked hopefully.

"No. And please don't ask again. I called Victor and he got Benji in on it."

"Huh. That's what Benji meant."

"What?"

"He said that you and me are always interrupting him and Victor. I didn't know what he meant, but you must've called them when they were getting ready to…" she trailed off, but she didn't need to finish. I thought back to our whole conversation. Maybe it had been FaceTime foreplay.

"Right. So, yeah. Not the mental image I want in my head when we're about to talk about us."

"Sorry," she laughed. She was quiet for a minute. "What do we need to talk about?"

"Everything," I muttered. "I guess let's start from the beginning."

I hated to say that Victor was right, but he was right. Talking to Lucy helped. If there was any doubt I'd been harboring, my conversation with Lucy eradicated it.

In fact, I'd say more than eradicating the remnant of doubt, it filled me with nervous anticipation.

I expected to be anxious all day but… I wasn't. I couldn't explain why. Sure, I was nervous. Really nervous. But not in a second guess whether today was the right day kind of way.

Thank God my parents were gone the weekend for their anniversary because I felt like I might explode if I had to wait for this. My brain was finally cooperating and had turned off, but I couldn't guarantee it would last.

When Lucy came over, I felt like I didn't know how to be human. What were we supposed to do? Fortunately, Lucy was there enough to remember things like dinner. I figuratively let her take the reins for our night. Though, I was always aware of her little duffel bag sitting in the corner of the kitchen and of everything we would be doing once we moved that duffel bag to my bedroom.

The moment we got to my bedroom though, it was like my brain cleared up. There was no room for anything except Lucy and her calming voice and her utter confidence.

I was on a cloud. It was weird, yes. It was unexpected, yes. It also did not matter. When we were together, that was the only thing that mattered. Lucy was right. There was no room for thinking… well, there was room for a little thinking. Enough thinking to confirm that we were both still comfortable and that we weren't pushing one another too far. Enough to remind each other to use our safe word if it got to be too much. It never did.

Sex with Lucy was like nothing I had ever done before. The research I'd done had given me the "how" but nothing prepared me for exactly how much existed outside the how. I had no idea how intimate it would feel to be with someone like this. I thought I understood what Benji was trying to say when he told me that sex was different when you were going into it uniquely yourself. It wasn't just sex if that made sense. It was love and shedding insecurities and knowing that we didn't know what we were doing but, damn, did it feel good.

We had to rely on one another in a completely different way. God, why hadn't we been doing this for months?

The thought was fleeting because her lips made it difficult to think about anything but her. I'd expected it to be anticlimactic, but it wasn't. It lived up to and surpassed everything I'd hyped it up to be.

When we lay together afterward, Lucy rubbing her hand up and down my arm, I had little room for anything except for how full I felt. It had been right, what had just happened. And undeniable.

"How are you feeling?" she asked under the safety of the darkness.

"I don't know," I whispered. It was the most honest answer I could give.

"We don't have to do it again," she assured me.

"Are you nuts? All I can think about is when we get to do it again. Why would you say something like that?" I demanded.

"You said you didn't know how you felt," she pointed out.

"Yeah because I don't. But I know it feels good. What we just did… wow. I mean… it was okay for you too, right?"

"More than okay," she assured me. Her hand found my cheek a second before her lips did. "I didn't think it would be like that."

"Me neither. You're… very good at what you do."

She snorted. "I could say the same for you."

I rolled my eyes even though she couldn't see me. "You don't need to humor me."

"I'm not." She shifted a little. "I know it wasn't perfect or anything, but… I don't know. Maybe it's because this is the first time I've slept with someone I love, but… yeah. It's the best sex I've ever had." She kissed my cheek again. "I really love you."

"I love you too," I whispered.

We exchanged short, sleepy kisses until we fell asleep.

I thought the morning would bring all of the doubt and fear I hadn't felt yesterday but maybe Lucy had a healing effect on me because I mostly just felt at peace with everything we'd done.

I woke up a long time before Lucy. I was careful not to fidget too much or stir because I wanted her to get her sleep.

I thought I'd get antsy, but it was almost like staying still kept me in that feeling like I'd just woken up. My brain was still enjoying the haze of sleep and I was too content to think about much other than how different I felt right now. Good different. Impossible different.

I wasn't going to claim that all my problems were behind me (though, wouldn't that be something?), but it was like, for once, I didn't feel like I had to worry about those problems. I wanted to just exist in this moment with Lucy fast asleep, us both cocooned in my thick comforter, her head resting on my shoulder, and her hand on my stomach.

I was starting to doze off when Lucy woke up.

"Morning." Her eyes were half open and if I could freeze a moment in time, it would be this one.

"Morning," I whispered back.

I felt her hand trail from my stomach to my cheek. She traced along my cheek until she pushed my hair behind my ear. "How'd you sleep?"

"Best sleep I've ever gotten."

A small smile flashed across her face. It had been the same thing she'd said to me after we woke up that first day in Vegas. She had essentially collapsed in bed before I was even in our hotel room, which left me with the daunting task of figuring out if it was too soon for us to sleep in the same bed and in the state of sleep deprivation I'd reached, I'd decided that no, it wasn't too soon. Then, when I woke up, I'd panicked that I'd made a huge mistake. Lucy had eradicated that with her smile and those words.

Lucy's phone rang. The sound was jarring and it took me a second to understand what was happening because it didn't make sense that the real world could somehow fit itself into this moment we were sharing together.

Lucy reached over me to grab her phone from the end table.

"Hey, Benji," she answered. Lucy sat up. "You what?" The panic on her face was unmistakable. "Why the fuck didn't you call me?" she demanded. "I don't care what yesterday was. You get into a car accident, you call me." I felt like my heart was pounding in my chest. Benji was in a car accident? She frowned. "If you think Victor's not going to hear it from me, you're wrong. I shouldn't just be finding out about this." Lucy glared at the ceiling… I think she needed some way to look angry right now. "Of course, I'm happy that you're okay. But what if you hadn't been? Would you and Victor have kept this from me just because I was with Lake last night?" There was a short pause. "Don't change the subject. This isn't about me or my night." Lucy stood up and started pacing. "No. I'm pissed off, and I have a right to be." She waited nearly a minute while Benji spoke. "Because the last time…" She looked at me then looked at her phone then back at me. "You are so lucky that I care about you enough to not cross a line with Lake here, but I'm about to leave and, Benji, if you think hell hath no fury." She found her pants and nearly toppled forward trying to get both of her legs into them at the same time. I threw Lucy her shirt and she pulled it on. I'd never seen Lucy this angry before. Honestly, I was kind of stunned that Benji hadn't interrupted our night. I feel like I would've been equally angry if I'd been in her shoes. Truthfully, part of me was angry that we hadn't even been worth a text. A, "I'm fine but this happened and I wanted you to know" text would have been more than sufficient. I wasn't going to push Lucy for details right now. She was too angry and, apparently, the fight she needed to have with Benji couldn't happen here.

"I'm sorry. I love you," she said to me softly. She gave me a quick kiss. "No, that wasn't to you. You don't deserve an apology," she told Benji as she walked out my door.

I quickly got dressed before I called Victor. "Hey," he said with a yawn.

"Sorry, did I wake you?" I asked.

"Yeah, but it's fine. What's up?"

"What's going on with Benji?" I asked.

Victor sighed. "I guess he called Lucy? I told him he should've called her last night."

"That probably would've been a good idea. She is not happy with him."

"I hope she goes easy on him. He's pretty beat up. He didn't get home from the hospital until nearly 2."

"What happened?"

"He, Tosh, and two guys from the band he's touring with ran out to get dinner before their show last night. Some guy ran a red light and hit them. They're really lucky to have walked away from it." Victor sniffed. "Benji sent me a picture of the car. It's completely totaled. I still can't believe they're all okay."

I shuddered. "Are you okay?"

He was quiet for a while. "I'm as okay as I can be."

"I'm surprised you're not on a bus to see him right now."

"If I could be, I would be," he told me bitterly. "I can't take off of work unless I want Sarah to murder me. She's already been surprisingly great and not passive-aggressive about my schedule." I had a feeling that there was more to the story because he didn't seem to care about work when we took off to Vegas, but I didn't push him.

"Can he still play?" I asked.

"He says yes. I wish he'd take it easy for a few days. Especially with Giovanni not being able to play."

"Who?"

"The driver. He's the drummer for the other band. He can't play. Benji said they think it might be a few weeks before he can."

"I thought you said everyone was okay."

"They are; it's actually the airbags that got him. He has burns on his wrists from it going off. He apparently can't make a fist right now." I didn't need to see him to know he didn't want to talk about it anymore.

I didn't know what to say to that. Part of me was morbidly curious to know more but also felt nauseated at the thought that this happened to Benji.

"Part of me wishes he never left." He said it quietly like it was a confession.

"I think that makes sense. He was just in a serious accident."

"But it's not just the accident. Yeah, that made this worse, but I'm so tired of missing him."

"Have you told him that?" I asked curiously.

"No."

"Why not? The two of you are always bragging about how much you talk." I'd seen it in action. It was really annoying.

"Because he'd come home."

"Isn't that what you want?"

"More than I can say, but it's not about me. Part of being in a relationship is doing what's best for the other person. Benji needs to be on this tour. If he gets offered another one, he'll need to go. I'm just…" he sighed. "Me being pathetic and missing him isn't a good enough reason to make him drop his dream and come home."

I couldn't explain the tightness in my chest or why his words were causing me to feel clammy and tense. "But should you make yourself miserable to make him happy?"

I knew from his intake of breath that I'd asked the wrong question. I wasn't surprised when his next words were, "Adrian needs me. I gotta go."

I'd put money on that being a lie, but I let him go. My head felt like it was spinning. It was surreal to me that I'd woken up the happiest I'd ever been and now felt like dread had filled every open space inside of me. I couldn't fathom what Victor was going through right now.

I took a quick shower before I got dressed and drove to Mia's house. Veronica answered the door holding Kyle who was shrieking like he was being murdered.

"Sorry." She looked exhausted. "Nothing is helping right now."

"Oh. I can come back later. I just wanted to talk to Mia."

"She's not here." She bounced Kyle. All it did was add a bounce to his cries as well. "She's at Victor's. Please stop crying. What will make you happy?"

I closed my eyes because I completely forgot. I forgot that with everything that had been happening, Mia was still helping Pilar twice a day. "Oh." I glanced at Kyle. His face was scrunched up. "Can I help? You look like you're ready to pass out." I thought that was nicer than saying she looked like she was seconds from a full-blown breakdown.

"Are you sure? I don't want this to be weird. It has been so tough without Harold."

Another thing that completely slipped my mind was that Mia's dad left. He went to Stanford on Tuesday. "I'm sure. Here."

I held out my arms for him. For a second he was quiet. Just long enough for me to think I had the magic touch. Then he was screaming again.

"Don't take it personally. It's really hard to be a baby sometimes. I think he's overtired; he was up all night, but he doesn't want to go to sleep. Trust me, putting him down is worse than this."

I didn't want to know how that was possible, so I nodded. "Go take a nap or something." I glanced at Kyle. "Maybe with earplugs. We'll be okay."

"Thanks, Lake." Her eyes were watery as she walked away, so I had a feeling that breakdown was still coming.

I'd never been alone with a baby before. I'd held Kyle a bunch of times and had been around babies at family parties, but this was the first time that a baby's wellbeing entirely depended on me. I hadn't thought this far ahead.

It took less than five minutes of his shrieks before I broke and called my mom. She was… surprisingly helpful. She only made me feel a little bad for interrupting her anniversary weekend and had given me every piece of wisdom she'd hoarded away. I knew that I'd been a baby once upon a time and that she'd raised me by herself. She'd started dating my stepdad around when I was Kyle's age, but it was a while before she trusted him to be around me (from what I've heard; I don't remember it). For a long time, it was just the two of us. So, I shouldn't be surprised that she knew every trick in the parenting book, but it was so weird to think of her as someone with experience with babies. And it worked. It made every comment about how I was a miserable baby worth it.

By the time Mia got home, I had nursery rhymes playing from my phone and Kyle was lying in my arms fast asleep. I didn't dare stop rubbing his back in case any disturbance to his sleeping arrangement would make him wake up.

Mia looked startled to see me. "What are you doing here?" she asked in a whisper.

"I wanted to talk to you, but Veronica looked like she could use the help."

"How are you doing this?" She sat down next to me. "We haven't been able to get him to calm down all morning."

"Surprisingly, my mom."

"Huh."

"Mia, I'm so sorry." This wasn't the first time we'd talked, but Mia had been adamant that I owed her an apology and I disagreed. She looked surprised, so I pressed on through her stunned silence. "You're right. I made a decision about what you would want based on how much I want you to stay here. I don't want to lose my best friend. But…" I could hear Victor's words. Me being pathetic and missing him isn't a good enough reason to make him drop his dream and come home. "If that's not what you want, I get it. If you feel like moving to California is the best thing for you, then that's what you need to do. I'll be okay. I'll miss you like crazy, but it'll be okay. The only thing that would make it not okay is if you gave up something really important to stay with me. That would make me pretty pathetic." I would hate Victor forever for being right, but I knew he was. The moment the words were out, I heard them.

Mia started to cry. It was almost instantaneous. Like one second she was fine, the next she was nearly as bad as she'd been the day after the Spring Fling. "I don't know what to do," she whispered. "I don't know what the right thing to do is. I don't know how to figure it out."

I studied her for a minute. "Do you remember the day we met?"

She frowned. "No."

"We met in Mr. Clancy's class. First grade. At the bookshelf to pick out a book for quiet reading. What a joke quiet reading was." Mia and I had spent the entire year sitting on beanbag chairs (which seemed like the best thing ever in 1st grade) and whispering back and forth during quiet reading. Your mom had your hair in those tiny braids with the beads at the end and Mark… do you remember him?" I waited for Mia to nod; Mark had terrorized Mia until he got expelled in the 2nd grade. How messed up do you have to be to get expelled in the 2nd grade? I mean, I think his parents technically pulled him out to be put in private school but it was because they were going to kick him out. "He came up to you and tugged on one of your braids. He asked why there were so many knots in your hair. You looked at him and said, 'are you dumb? These are braids'. He put his hands on his hips and said, 'when my sister braids her hair, that's not what it looks like.' You told him you were sorry that his sister would never know what it was like to have real braids. I guess he figured that you wouldn't be easy to mess with, so he turned to me and tugged on my pigtail." I shuddered. "Those asymmetrical pigtails will never be okay. Bless my stepdad, but he did not know how to do my hair." Mia chuckled. She thought they look cute in a they-were-a-disaster kind of way. She was the only one with pictures of me from 1st grade. My mom had hidden the ones in our house very well. "Anyway. Mark had turned on me and you just said, 'no. You do not touch people's hair'. Then you pulled on a chunk of his hair and told him you bet it didn't feel good. You linked your arms through mine and we walked away. I felt like I was on top of the world. We've been best friends ever since."

"I forgot about that," Mia said quietly. "Mark never forgave me for that. Do you remember that he spent a whole day putting stuff in my hair and he kept saying, 'you said I couldn't touch your hair, not that nothing else could'. Ugh, I hated him."

"And Mr. Clancy kept saying he was doing mean things because he had a crush on you. We thought that was hilarious at the time, but it's kind of messed up, isn't it?"

"Very. Then we had Ms…" Mia frowned. "Vicenty! Ms. Vicenty in 2nd grade and she shut him down so hard."

"Oh, Ms. Vicenty. What an icon. She really should teach older kids because we were not old enough to appreciate her wisdom. I wonder what she's up to these days."

"Hopefully enjoying retirement somewhere. I feel like she was so old," Mia pointed out.

"Yeah, but did she just seem that way because we were little?"

We couldn't figure it out. I didn't remember that I brought this all up for a reason until Mia said, "it's hard to believe how much has happened since then. I mean, that was almost eleven years ago."

"Yeah. That's what I was trying to get at. We've been through so much together but, from the very first day, you've known what's right. Just trust yourself. It's gonna suck no matter what. For what it's worth, if you want it to suck here, you really do have a spot with me. If you want things to suck in California, I'll understand. Just maybe let me know because if you're leaving in a few days, I need to throw you a party. Not optional."

"I'm not leaving in a few days." I really thought that she made up her mind that quickly until she continued. "My dad seemed to think it's too much pressure to make this decision, so I'm here until summer's over. I'm going to California the last week of July so I could see what things would be like there, but he told me he won't accept any decision I've made until after that."

"Oh. Okay." I didn't think anything could redeem Mia's dad for everything he'd done but that came close. "Where are you staying?"

"Here."

"Are you crazy? Stay with me. Don't be by yourself here." I knew how lonely Mia could feel. I didn't want to think about how much it would suck for her to be here and know that Veronica, her dad, and Kyle weren't coming back.

"Are you sure?"

"Of course."

She nodded. "Then yes." She let her head fall back on the couch.

"You look tired," I observed.

"Kyle can be very loud. He usually sleeps through the night, but he had a really bad night."

"Veronica said the same thing. Go take a nap. We're fine here."

She shook her head. "I've got a month to catch up on the sleep I lost last night."

I didn't know exactly what that meant, but I nodded anyway. "I'd offer to pass him to you, but…"

"I wouldn't let you if you tried. Who would've thought? Lake Meriwether. Good with kids."

I would've been offended if it wasn't true. I was okay with them at best. "Who would've thought? Georgina Meriwether. Baby guru."

Mia laughed and clasped her hand over her mouth. When Kyle didn't wake up, she relaxed.

It was the first time I felt like she was actually back. I think her cross-country trip to find her mom and Stanford had been standing over us for such a long time. We forgot how to just be friends. It was nice to get that back. I desperately hoped these weren't our last moments together but, if they were, I was going to make them count. I didn't want to waste any more time fighting with her.

She seemed to feel the same way and, over the next couple of weeks, I felt like I got my best friend back. I hadn't realized how much I missed Mia. I didn't think I'd been capable of processing how part of me had always been lonely while she was gone.

My life seemed about as perfect as it could get. I guess I should've known it wouldn't last.

The day of my mom's birthday, she left with a fleeting, "work emergency" explanation before I was all alone.

Lucy got to my house a few minutes after my mom left. She had a little gift bag in her hand. "Hey, can we talk for a sec?"

"We can. Or, hear me out, my mom got called into work."

Lucy's face lit up. "Does that mean…?"

"Only if you want to."

She snorted. "I always want to," she told me. Truer words had never been spoken. I'd never really understood people that were so obsessed with sex they couldn't keep their hands to themselves, but I got it now.

Lucy wordlessly followed me to my room. I think her bag ended up in the corner of my room, but it hardly mattered when she started to kiss me. We backed up towards my bed. One of the great things about this whole thing was we got to take it slow. No one tells you how amazing that is. We get to build towards something. I'd once told Felix that the best part of sex was right before sex. When we were kissing and that feeling was building in me. Felix hadn't understood but when I'd told Lucy, she'd gotten a look in her eye like she'd connected the final piece of my puzzle. Lucy was SO GOOD at all the before-sex stuff.

Lucy kissed from my lips to my shoulder then to my chest while she unbuttoned my shirt. She didn't try to push it aside yet. I could feel the slightest burst of cool air where the two sides of my shirt didn't quite meet. She hovered over me, her dark hair framing either side of her face. For a moment, I reveled in how close I felt to her. It didn't make sense. Everything about this should make me feel self-conscious, but there was so room for it when Lucy was above me in her lacy black bra that she knew I liked with that smile on her face. "I really love you," she whispered.

"I love you too."

Then her lips were back on mine. I leaned up a little so we could get my shirt off. Part of me still expected my old insecurities to flare up but there wasn't room when her fingers were wandering the way they were and when there was so much of Lucy to explore.

I heard the squeak of the door and pushed Lucy back. Normally, I would have ignored it, but I knew I shut my door because the idea of an open door and sex had always freaked me out. Even all alone, I was always careful. Careful to shut it but not lock it because it was supposed to be just the two of us for a couple of hours. I braced myself for an uncomfortable conversation, but I didn't think it'd be too bad. I mean, once my mom knew I was sleeping with Felix, she'd been great about it. She even took me to the doctor to get on the pill because she'd 'kill it on teen mom but didn't want to'. It would be awkward, but she'd be fine. "Mom, I thought… you… were…" the words died on my lips when I turned to the front of my room.

"What the hell?"

I couldn't answer the question. Not when my brain was still trying to catch up. This was it. This was the moment when my world would surely implode.

This moment was impossible. It should have been impossible; why wasn't it impossible? For so many reasons, this should not be happening like this.

I tried to make sense of everything that I knew to be true. My mom got called into work. Not unusual. That happened all the time. It wasn't a sign from the universe that something big was coming. Right? I mean, my mom was more grateful for child illness or borderline deadly ailments than anyone I knew because she was always the one they called when someone couldn't come in. Her whole job now which allowed her to be home inconveniently early was the result of someone needing a major surgery that would have them out of work for months and you would've thought my mom had been told every day was Christmas when she found out. No, that part made sense to me.

Lucy… nope. I couldn't go there yet.

My step-dad was at work. That made sense too. It was a random Friday afternoon. Of course, he was at work. It would be weirder for him to be home.

Lucy… still no.

It was summer, so we didn't have school. That made sense. It was why we were home at 1 in the afternoon. We'd paid our dues for an entire school year to be able to enjoy a few sweet months of freedom. That part checked out.

It was the rest I was having trouble with. It was Lucy, in my bed, in just her bra and panties… well, thank God Lucy seemed capable of processing far more than I could right now because she was wrapped in my blanket. She came over for my mom's birthday because my mom invited her. Then my mom had work, so we did not celebrate. That part was believable. I could see how she got from point A to point B. So, why was this still so impossible?

It was the last part. "Dad." My voice died in my throat. I hadn't seen him since December. Then, too, he'd pulled me from a moment with Lucy. Except then, he'd pulled me from a moment that no one had witnessed.

So much must've happened to get him to this spot, he decided to come in today… probably for my mom's birthday. That actually checked out because he loved to ruin special occasions. I probably should've thought of that. Him being here wasn't impossible, no matter how much I wanted it to be a figment of my imagination.

He'd just let himself in. That also checked out. He was the king of making himself at home in places he had no right to be in.

Then the absolute worst part of it: because I hadn't seen him, I hadn't told him about me and Lucy. When I'd told my mom that I wanted to wait until he stopped by one day, she'd encouraged me to rip off the Band-Aid and call him. I wondered if the look on his face was why. I'd known my whole life that my father wasn't a good guy, but my mom hadn't had the grounds to completely terminate his visitation rights. He had a job (not a good job but a job that paid the rent and the tiny amount he was legally required to send my mom every month), an apartment, no drug or alcohol problems, and no criminal record. On paper, he checked all of the boxes, so we sucked up the tornado he created when he came into our lives a couple of times a year.

So there we were: me and Lucy in our bras having clearly just been doing what we were doing, my father with an angry look on his face, and a world that somehow kept moving despite how blatantly it should've stopped.

"I can explain."

He only shook his head. His jaw hardened before he walked out. I threw my shirt on, grateful that Lucy hadn't progressed to my pants yet. "Dad. Stop!"

I was surprised when he listened to me. "You're sick, Lake."

I stopped dead because it had been very obvious that he wasn't happy, but I hadn't been ready for that. "I… what?" No. He couldn't be. My father couldn't be one of those dads. Yeah, he was a dick, but he was supposed to be a harmless dick. The dads that said things like that… they were super religious and believed that they were saving their kids from hell or whatever lies helped them sleep at night. My father wasn't religious. He was the opposite of religious, whatever that would be. He was the kind of guy that slept around and took advantage of women by making them feel like they were special to him. It was part of the reason my mom had been so hard on me. She wanted me to be stronger than she had so I wouldn't make the same mistake.

"Lake?" Lucy's voice was impossibly small.

"She needs to go." My father crossed his arms.

"Go home, Luce," I whispered.

"You sure?"

I'd never been more sure of anything in my life. If Lucy stayed, this would get ugly. Uglier than it already was going to be. "Yeah. I'll call you later."

Her hand gently pressed into my back as she passed me; it was the only show of support she could give right now.

I waited until she was gone to try again, "dad-"

He shook his head. "No."

We ended up sitting down in the kitchen. I didn't know what he was waiting for. Fortunately, I didn't have to wait long to find out. The front door opened maybe an hour later. I honestly thought my step-dad might get home first. He went into work disgustingly early, so he was usually home around 3. We were just a few minutes shy of that. "That work emergency turned out to be an excuse for them to surprise me on my birthday," my mom called. "It was really nice of them. They got balloons and everything. I brought a piece of cake home for you…" I would've been shocked that she brought me home a piece of cake, but it didn't dent the inferno of fear that filled me. Her voice dropped when she realized I didn't need to hear her from my bedroom. "Honey, what are you doing in the kitchen?" I finally looked up at her then I looked over at my father.

Her eyes followed mine. It was like all of the joy that existed in the world got sucked out when she saw him. "Nathan," she said stiffly. "What's going on here?"

My father gestured towards me but seemed incapable of forming words.

"I'm so sorry," I told her. "I didn't mean for it to happen like this."

"For what to happen?" she asked.

I ducked my head. "Lucy got here early. We thought you were going to be here and then you weren't and we…" I couldn't say it out loud. "He walked in on us."

My mom closed her eyes for a second. "Well, I know that this wasn't the ideal way to tell you-"

"Ideal?" he snapped. "You're encouraging these delusions?"

My mom seemed as taken aback as I did. "Delusions?" There were moments where my mom seemed to grow ten feet. This was one of them. She took a step towards my father and I'd never seen her so angry before. I gave him a lot of credit for not cowering before her. "Hear me clearly, Nathan. If you think there is anything wrong with the perfect daughter that I brought into this world, you are the one with the delusions."

My father shook his head. He grabbed my shoulder. It wasn't tight enough to actually hurt, but it was uncomfortable. "You know that this is wrong. You know why it is wrong. That girl-"

That woke something up in me because he could say what he wanted to about me but Lucy? "Her name is Lucy," I interrupted. "She's my girlfriend." Whatever had woken in me fizzled out quickly making the word "girlfriend" come out quiet and timid.

"Girlfriend." The word seemed to sit between us for a second before he shook his head.

His grip on my shoulder tightened. "Ow." It was an involuntary sound. The moment I made it, something jerked him back.

"Do not lay a hand on my daughter." I looked in amazement at my step-dad. He was still holding his car keys in one hand. Forget about my mom being angry. My step-dad… was next level. This was the same man that had fights in whispers because he was intimidated by yelling.

"She's not yours," my father told him. "Stop pretending to be her father."

It was probably the only other thing that could have spurred me to action. After everything my step-dad had done for me, even I'd never questioned how much he loved me and I questioned everything about my entire life.

I stood up and was surprised when my father didn't seem nearly as tall as he used to. I always thought he was such a giant presence missing from my life, but I'd never really been missing him, had I?

I didn't have the words. I just stood next to my step-dad. "I want you to go." I wanted to sound strong and brave, but I felt like I sounded like a little kid that was scared of the monster under her bed.

My father stormed out of the kitchen. I didn't know when I'd see him again, if I'd ever see him again, and it made me unexpectedly sad. We'd never had the greatest relationship, but he still showed up. It was proof that I wasn't a mistake. "I'm sorry," I whispered.

"We will talk about this later. In detail," she warned. "For now, I need a minute."

I nodded as she left the kitchen with my step-dad leaving me all alone. It was the first time in a long time I felt this alone; I'd let everyone down today. I knew what I should've done. I should've called Lucy or Mia. Instead, I found myself grabbing my phone, and I left.

I didn't really know where I was going until I got there. It didn't make sense and I knew it, but it also did make sense. It made more sense than anything that had happened today. I sent him a text giving him the very, very short version of what happened and hoped he'd see it, but when he didn't materialize after a minute, I mustered up all of my strength and knocked on the door.

When I knocked on the door, a woman answered. She was still laughing as she turned to face me. "Lake." Her smile faded. "Is Victor expecting you?"

I could only shake my head. In the back of my head, I processed that Felix and Pilar were sitting on the couch. Right now, they were frozen. Felix had a marker in his hand so he was no doubt in the middle of drawing on Pilar's cast. I wondered what I looked like. My crying had probably left my face red and puffy, my hair was probably all over the place from Lucy. At least I was fully dressed. It seemed like a small consolation.

"Victor?" his mom called.

"One sec," Victor called back. He walked out of his room. His eyes were glued to his phone and I could tell the exact moment he read my text because he stopped walking and an unmistakable look of fury settled on his face. It was only while he was reading it that I realized I didn't think I ever typed that I was here - I'd just filled him in on what happened and asked if we could talk. He started to turn around. "Sorry, I gotta do something first.

"I'm here," I whispered.

His head shot up. For a moment, I thought this was almost as big of a mistake as what had happened earlier because, when he looked at me, I felt awkward and like he probably didn't want me here. "Come on." He motioned towards his bedroom and I followed. I'd never been in Victor's bedroom before. I'd been in his apartment a handful of times, but never in here. It wasn't what I was expecting. I guess I just figured it would be floor-to-ceiling basketball or something like that, but it was an ordinary bedroom. If there was a theme, it was probably Benji-themed. I recognized some of his art around the room. A few pencil sketches of the two of them, one of just Victor working at Brasstown. A photo of the two of them sitting on Victor's dresser.

He led me to his bed and sat down next to me. For a moment, we just sat like that. The silence seemed to ebb and grow around us as if it had its own pulse.

Then he hugged me and I fell to pieces. Victor may have seemed like a random choice for tonight, but he was the only one that might have a prayer of understanding. "I'm so sorry, Lake."

"Does it get easier?" I asked.

"No. I wish I could say it did, but it doesn't. Until my mom came around to this, I tried to pretend that it had gotten easier, but it never did." I sobbed louder and his grip on me tightened.

"Then how do I get through this?"

He pulled back a little. "You get stronger," he whispered. "You find out your world is so much bigger than your family. The people that are there for you when everything falls apart… they're strong enough to get you through it. I spent months feeling like there was something wrong with me. Like, I needed to be a better kind of gay and then maybe it would be easier for her to accept me. But it was different for me. Lake, you're dad isn't always in your life. Do you want him to be?"

"I don't know," I admitted. "I know you have it so much worse, but-"

"It's not a competition. Jesus. You and Benji." I stared at him. "Yeah, my mom hated that I was gay, but she wanted to be okay with it. Do you know how different that is from what you and Benji went through? Do you know how lucky I am that she loves me enough to figure this out for me? And to make it so things are somehow even better than before I came out? I didn't have it worse. Not really. It was just hard for a while. I always tell Benji that it can't be a competition about who has the more homophobic families or who had the harder time coming out. Everyone has their stuff. We all just do our best and that's okay."

"You're the one that gave Lucy the competition line," I realized. "I thought it was Benji."

"The competition line?" he asked.

"Nevermind." I shook my head. "I know it's not a competition, but when Lucy and I almost broke up, you told me that everything fell apart when you came out. You said it felt like you lost your mom for a while but that Benji helped you through it and helped remind you that you're more than your mom."

"I was trying to tell you why Lucy might be worth it."

"Right. Yeah, but did you mean it? That it felt like you lost her?"

He stood up and walked to his window. "Do you know what sucks?"

"What?"

"That's the part everyone always wants to focus on. I don't like to think about it."

"Why? If she's better…"

"Because it never goes away, Lake!" He sounded angry but, when he turned to face me, he almost looked desperate. "That's what they don't tell you. When you have a parent that looks at you like she doesn't know you because she thinks being gay changed you, that would rather not talk about it because she's afraid that she'll say what she's thinking and doesn't realize that you know anyway, that pretends to be sick because she can't stand the idea that you're with…" He squeezed his eyes shut and a single tear fell all the way down his face. "My mom is amazing. The things she's done to support me and Benji… I can never thank her enough for them, but…"

"But?" I pressed.

"I've forgiven her, but I can't forget. I can't change that every time I ask her if I can do something with Benji, part of me is afraid. I can't change what she put Benji through. I can't change that, for the rest of my life, she will always be part of the reason that things got so hard for me. It's the scariest thing I've ever done in my life and I know my mom is different now, and I know she loves me." He sighed. "When I came out, I thought all I wanted was for her to look at me like I was her son again. I got that, and I'm so lucky. Even if your dad comes around, you'll never forget what happened today. You're going to have to make the choice every time you see him to let go of what happened and focus on what's happening now."

"That sounds exhausting."

He nodded once. "I love her so it's worth it. Sometimes, I can almost convince myself that she's always been like this but that can only last so long."

"I get it," I whispered.

He leaned against his wall. "I don't even get it."

I thought to my mom. "I really do. Maybe not with the whole coming out thing but… I know what it's like to know that someone loves you and to also know that they're slowly breaking you into pieces."

He frowned before he nodded. "Yeah. That's what it felt like."

"Lucy doesn't get it. She doesn't get why I let my mom make the comments she makes and why I don't stand up for myself, but she's my mom. She just wants what's best for me."

"It's hard when you haven't been through it to know why we suck up the bad days. The truth is, the bad days are what make the good ones so special."

"We're really messed up, aren't we?" I asked.

He let out a chuckle. "Maybe that's why we get along."

"Makes sense to me."

He chewed on his lip. "What are you going to do about your dad?"

"I'm going to let him walk away. I've spent my entire life being disappointed by him. My dad, my real dad, the one who has been there for me my whole life? He's the one that matters. The person that walked out today is just the guy that got my mom pregnant. I don't know why I got so upset about it. He's been letting me down my whole life."

"Because this isn't just letting you down," Victor said softly. "It's so much worse than that."

"Yeah," I agreed. I wiped my eyes.

Victor sat down in his desk chair. "Did you know my mom walked in on me and Benji once?"

"Wait. What?" I knew Benji's mom walked in on them because Lucy told me, but I didn't know they'd been caught so many times. Were they just really bad at being discrete? "Your mom?"

He nodded. "Yeah. It was… before, you know. Before she was okay with everything. Before I was okay with everything."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean… I was still trying to be proud of who I was, but I was so far from that. I pretended because I wanted to be proud but, every time I had the chance to stand up for myself, I didn't take it."

"Not every time. You invited Benji over last summer. You came out at school," I pointed out.

He nodded. "Yeah. I also let Benji down so many times because I didn't stand up for us. He didn't hesitate. When she walked in on us, he didn't want it to be a thing just because we're gay. He stood up for our relationship, and I told him to leave. I was more worried about how what I'd done upset my mom than on how upset and hurt Benji was. And, don't get me wrong, he crossed a line, but maybe he wouldn't have if I'd defended us or if I'd ever stood up for us when we were together. When we were together… it was always him." Victor shook his head. "My point is… I did everything wrong when she walked in on us. Benji did everything wrong when she walked in on us. Learn from us. Do this right. Talk to Lucy before you do anything. Especially today, she needs you. Make sure she's okay and figure out what you want to say to your parents. All of your parents. What you do now? It's gonna be really important. You want to be able to look back on this moment and say that you are proud of who you are and how you handled this because it sucks when you have to look back on something and regret it."

"I don't think I'll ever be able to look back at this and feel proud."

"You didn't do anything wrong."

"Then why does it feel like I did?" My voice was barely audible, but he heard me.

"Because someone else has made decisions about how you should live your life."

"Huh." We were quiet for a minute. "Thanks. I'm sure this isn't what you wanted to do this afternoon."

"Honestly? Kinda beats packing."

"Packing?" Then it hit me. His program. I didn't know how I forgot because Mia was literally throwing him a party tomorrow. "You're leaving soon."

"Monday morning."

I nodded. "Right. Hey, would you want to do something tonight?"

"Lake-"

"No, I know. I'm gonna talk to Lucy. I promise. Then maybe the two of us can take you out? I bet I can get Mia and Andrew in on it too."

He smiled. "I'm doing something with Rahim tonight."

I'm sorry but that would never not be weird. I knew Benji was reluctantly okay with it and Victor had some magical friendship with Rahim or whatever, but it was still weird.

"Okay. Then I'll see you tomorrow."

His mom and sister's attempt to listen in to our conversation probably would have been way more inconspicuous if Pilar wasn't still hobbling back to the couch and if his mom wasn't noticeably crying. I glanced at him, but he didn't seem to have noticed. Except, his hands were bunched into fists so maybe he did notice.

"Thanks for everything."

"Good luck."

He gave me a quick hug.

For a moment, I stood outside the door. Then I called Lucy. She didn't answer, so I stopped home to grab my keys and went to her house. Her dad was confused to see me; he looked tense, but I figured it had to do with the fact that Lucy's grandpa was currently shouting about the war (he fought in the Vietnam War). I lied and told him she asked me if I could grab her cardigan while I was running an errand for my mom.

When I left her house, I tried to figure out where she could be. It wasn't until I was driving home that I remembered there was a REALLY obvious place she'd be.

I turned around and started to head in the opposite direction. Sure enough, I could spot Lucy when I pulled up to the patch of grass she liked to call a park. She was sitting up and looked like she was ripping up a blade of grass.

It wasn't until I got closer to her that I realized she was on her phone. I heard Benji's laugh. I stopped. I could wait until they finished talking. "It's not funny," Lucy grumbled.

"It kind of is," he pointed out. I thought they were talking about what had happened until he said, "I still can't believe you told your mom that a pigeon got in the house and broke the lamp. She just looked at you and asked you if you were really going to lie to her face like that. You looked down and said, 'no. I'm going to lie to the floor'." Benji laughed again. "You asked so that's my favorite memory of her."

"Thanks. For this, for calling." Huh. I wondered if Victor had texted Benji and told him to call Lucy. I hadn't seen him on his phone but I could've missed it.

"Of course; I wanted to make sure you were okay. Anniversaries are tough." Anniversaries? What was he talking about? "I can't believe it's been four years."

"I miss her so much," Lucy whispered.

Everything fell into place, and I felt like the world's worst girlfriend. Her wanting to talk when she got to my house, Victor's comment about how she needed me especially today; her dad. She'd only mentioned the date to me once, but I should've remembered. It was the kind of thing I should've remembered. When she'd told me, I'd even told her it was the same as my mom's birthday. God, I was the worst.

"Me too." Benji was crying too. "She'll always be my second mom."

Lucy nodded. A sob escaped her instead of words. I threw my plan to wait until they were done out the window and sat down next to her. I wrapped my arms around her. She was still at first but, after a minute, she let her head fall onto my shoulder. "Hey, Benji," I said softly.

"Hey. I'll let you two talk. If you need anything, call me later."

I felt Lucy nod before her screen went blank. "How'd you find me?" she asked quietly.

"It was so hard. You have so many places you go when you're upset."

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

"No. You tried to. When you said you wanted to talk earlier, I should've listened. I'm sorry I forgot what today is."

"It wasn't your fault."

It definitely was, but I wasn't about to fight with her about it. "Today's been a kinda shitty day for you, hasn't it?"

Lucy let out a sound that was indistinguishable as a laugh or a cry. "Is your dad really pissed?"

"I don't care," I told her. "I care about you. And how you're doing right now."

"I'm fine."

"Not with me. You don't do that with me." I pulled back a little. "You're not fine. You shouldn't be fine right now."

She tried to hold herself together, but her will crumpled when her face did. "I keep waiting for it to get easier. For me to stop missing her this much. For me to feel like I'm whole." She brought her hand to her chest. "Sometimes, I feel like there's something missing, something I can never get back. I miss her every day but days like today… they have a way of making it seem like it happened all over again. Like she never woke up just a few minutes ago instead of four years ago. I-" she couldn't finish. The sob that ripped through her made her shake.

I did the only thing I could. I held her while she fell to pieces. I couldn't understand this, and I knew in my heart that Lucy needed to be around people that got what she was going through. When she calmed down a little, I pulled back. "I'm going to drive you home," I told her. "You need to be with your dad and brother right now. And… I need to go celebrate my mom. I'm sorry if that's really shitty of me, but I have to."

Lucy shook her head. "My mom's gone, but yours isn't. I could never be upset with you for choosing to spend time with her. If I could spend one more night with my mom? Nothing would be able to get me away from her."

I wiped away her tears. "Are you ready to go home or do you want to stay here a little longer?"

"I'm ready," she said softly. I helped her to her feet. For selfish reasons, I wanted to stay right here with her, but this wasn't about me.

She was quiet the whole way to her house. When I walked in with her, her brother and dad were sitting in the family room. "Hey." Her voice shook. When Logan stood up and hugged her, I knew this had been the right thing to do.

"I'll talk to you later, Luce."

She looked at me over her brother's shoulder. Love you, she mouthed.

I was barely aware of the drive back to my house. Was it possible that it had been only three hours since I left? What happened with my dad almost felt like a lifetime ago. It didn't seem important in the grand scheme of things.

My mom and stepdad were sitting in the kitchen. They'd been talking in whispers but, when I got in, they stopped and stood up. I had no idea what they had planned. Probably a long, torturous conversation about boundaries or whatever, but it didn't matter.

I went straight up to my mom and hugged her. I could tell she was unprepared for it, but she hugged me back after a moment. "I love you." I honestly couldn't remember the last time I'd said that to her. Maybe… never. I didn't think she'd ever said it to me either. I'd just assumed we weren't like that, but maybe we'd both been afraid to be the first.

Which was why I was close to tears when she said, "I love you too."

"I'm so sorry about before."

"No, sweetie. If I'm being honest, I suspected the two of you were sleeping together. I didn't know how to bring it up. You told me right away with Felix." I looked away because that couldn't be further from the truth, but I had told her around when everything happened with his mom. "And… I don't know. I got used to you making this parent thing easy for me."

"Easy?" I asked. "I always thought you were really-" I cut myself off. That was a conversation for Lucy or Mia. Not for my mom.

It was too late. She may not know exactly what I was going to say, but I didn't need to finish. She was able to fill in the blanks. "And that's on me." She closed her eyes for a second. "I am so proud of the young lady you've become and I hope you are just as proud." I looked up at the ceiling as I wiped my eyes. "When you were little, it felt like my second chance. To fix everything I'd done wrong when I was a kid and make sure you did it right. I always thought you were too much like me, and it scared me because I haven't always liked myself very much. Choosing to have you and keep you? That felt like the first good decision I ever made. When you told us about Lucy… I realized that you were doing everything right and that, despite how much I did wrong in the mom department, you became a brave, strong, independent young lady. As your mother, we will be talking about safe sex… as soon as I research it because I have to be honest, I have no idea how you're supposed to be safe."

My stepdad shuffled uncomfortably on his feet. It was the first time that I really acknowledged that he was here and it dawned on me that my mom wasn't the only person that deserved an apology. "Hey, dad," I said quietly.

"Hey, sweetie."

I let out a breath. "He was wrong," I told him. My voice sounded almost unnaturally loud. "You are my real dad, not him. I'm sorry that I made such a mess of things today. I didn't mean for things to go so wrong for both of you."

"Don't worry about us," my dad said immediately. "We're just worried about you." I could see that. "I know I'm your dad. Nothing Nathan said could have changed that, but he is your dad too. And… what happened." He sighed. "We're sorry. You're too good of a kid to have something like that happen. Just because he's not okay with it, doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you."

"I know that." I studied my stepdad. Somewhere along the way, he got old. Not really old, but his dark hair was streaked with grey. I wondered how many of them were because of me. I wanted to say that his opinion mattered way more than my birth father's and that he had built me up into someone strong enough to let go of what happened (I was sure I'd get there eventually), but nothing seemed sufficient, so I hugged him instead. I tried to say everything I hadn't said over the last few years. How much I loved him; how grateful I was that he met my mom; how he made our little family whole.

My mom joined our hug after a moment and I knew that everything was going to be okay. Something had changed today. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but I knew it was important. I knew it was good.