It was not right, it was playground behavior, he knew that. They had a daughter to raise together, decisions to make concerning her well-being, he couldn't just ignore Rachel for the rest of his life. As if he could. He knew he was hurting her, he knew that, but he just couldn't help it.
His therapist had called it a "defense mechanism", apparently he had a lot of those. You are pushing her away so you don't get hurt once again, she had said during his third session back from France. I just want to be happy again, was his reply to her. He was desperate to feel like that again, just an ounce of happiness would be good enough. Are you? Happy, I mean. This time his reply was dead silence. Was he? No, not at all.
His feelings were all over the place, he felt sad, he felt lost, he struggled to concentrate. It was even affecting his work.
He often found himself lost in thoughts, staring off into space, reliving their last time together over and over again. Even his sister noticed there was something wrong with him, so he told her everything. She promised not to tell her best friend how much their situation was affecting him. He just… he just needed time to get himself together again.
And time he got. He spent two months acting weird, not answering her calls, not replying to her text messages, putting walls up around his heart because there was no future for the both of them. He even tried going on a date with a woman his colleague had set him up with, but they had no chemistry. She was a beautiful woman, but, as usual, she was not Rachel.
The night before she arrived in New York with their daughter he promised himself that he would stop acting like a child and just be himself around her. She deserved that and he deserved that.
It was hard though, in some strange way his body had a physical reaction each time she looked at him, even more so if she smiled at him, it would send a swirl through his stomach. Her presence had always created a hum under his skin making him buzz with a nervous energy. Maybe it was those gorgeous blue eyes or the simple fact that seeing her face would give him a window into her mind and to the things she was imagining doing to him. His body responded accordingly.
Funny how something that should feel so good can feel so painful when the circumstances aren't right. He used to enjoy his reaction to her, closeness, now it just felt like torture.
"Are you finished?" He looked up. There she was, standing next to him, waiting for his answer. His plate was empty, even though he barely felt the taste of the pizza they had just shared. She was expectantly looking at him, her hand outstretched ready to get his plate.
"Yeah, but you don't have to do that, Rach. You must be exhausted. Go to bed and I'll clean it up, don't worry." He said while standing up, a little too close to her. She didn't back away and suddenly the room felt too small for him.
There she goes, he thought, showing every single emotion she was feeling through her expressive eyes. His feelings were a roller-coaster when he was around her, a change of heart every time she said something or looked at him in a certain way. His time in Paris was proof of that.
Her intentions were pretty clear, so he decided to grab the plate she was holding and step sideways to avoid making a mistake.
"Is this how it's going to be from now on?" She asked. Her face was showing disappointment now. "Are we going to pretend everything is ok when it is clearly the opposite?" He put the dishes in the sink, trying to gain some time.
"I'm sorry, Rach." He still had his back to her, leaning with both hands on the sink.
"Yeah, you've been saying that a lot to me lately. What's going on, Ross? Talk to me!" She got closer to him, feeling just as torn as he was.
He turns back around, facing her this time. "Let's go sit on the couch. I'll do the dishes later." He put his hand on her back, guiding her towards the revolving door and then the couch.
As they both take a seat facing each other he's not sure how to begin the conversation. He put his arm in the back of the couch while taking a deep breath. Here goes nothing.
"The night before you went to Paris, when you came storming into my apartment. Do you remember what you said to me?" He started. Trying to sound as calm and confident as he could.
"I said a lot of things that night and I was in the heat of the moment. So, no I don't."
"You said 'when I think about not seeing you every day it makes me not want to go' and that's exactly how I have been feeling since I left your place in France. Every time I allow myself to think about not seeing you every day, not waking up next to you every day, not looking into your eyes every day, it makes me want to get on the next plane and never let you go again. It hurts too much to think about it, Rachel, and I'm just trying to get by without feeling like a huge piece of my heart was left behind." He said, running his right hand through his hair. "I'm sorry I've been a shitty friend lately, it's not fair to you."
"I just– I just miss you so much, Ross. It's hard enough to be far away from everyone, but it's especially hard to be away from you. What we had up to that point was so good, you were my rock and you removed yourself away from me without a fair warning." As he saw the tears in her eyes he realized her pain was deeper than he thought.
"I tend to act like a child or a wounded animal when it comes to you and I'm really sorry for that. I promise to be better from now on." He said, reaching for the hand resting on her thigh. "It's a pattern I'm trying to break. After 20 years of doing the same thing I realize it's time I own up to my feelings and actions."
"I just need my safe space back, that's all I ask", she replied, squeezing his hand. "We don't have to do anything while I'm here, I'll respect your space if this is too much for you, but don't shut me out again."
"I won't. Come here." He opened his arms and instantly felt her arms around him. They sat there, hugging each other and mending their broken pieces, breathing through whatever this moment is: a reconciliation, a reinstatement of their relationship, only time would tell.
That night they each went to their respective rooms, deeply absorbed in their own thoughts and feelings.
He woke up the next morning with the sound of his daughter calling out to him. They barely had time to enjoy each other the night before as she was feeling sick and definitely tired from the long flight.
"Daddyyyyy" He heard her through his door.
"Ems, daddy's still asleep. Come on." As their voices were fading away he got up, willing the sleep to go away as he wanted to enjoy this day with them as much as he could. He decided to head out of his room in his pajamas, anxious to reach the living room and have his home filled with their voices and laughter.
"Morning!" Emma was coloring a book on the center table while Rachel sat on the couch reading a book. They both looked up with smiles on their faces.
"Daddyyyy, you up", she said, running towards him and grabbing his leg.
He picked her up, giving her tons of kisses and making her squeal. "Hi. Emma-Wemma. Did you sleep well?" He asked her.
"Yes."
"That's fantastic", he turned to Rachel, who had a big smile on her face. "Have you guys eaten yet?"
"No, we were waiting for you." She said, standing up and heading to the kitchen with them. He said he was going to act normal around her and he did just that. They shared the meal with their daughter like it was a normal occurrence for them, like they were the normal family he always dreamed they would be.
His daughter's laughter felt like a caress in the heart, healing and patching up every corner of it.
They arrived at his sister's house right around 11 am, as requested. You're ready to go?, he asked. Expressing the shock he sure felt of having Rachel ready on time. Oh, stop that. He just chuckled and accepted that Paris was having some positive effects on her.
Ross usually used the train when visiting the family in Westchester, but decided a car was the best option for today. As usual, Rachel was the one behind the wheel, this time though she was being extra careful on the road for she was carrying her precious little girl in the back seat.
As Emma was trying to reach the doorbell, Monica opened the door with a huge smile on her face, not even looking like the exhausted mother he usually encountered every other weekend. She greeted Rachel first, as his daughter reached for him, grabbing his pants. His sister and her best friend had tears in their eyes and he loved witnessing them reconnect. This was the first time they stayed away from each other in the ten years since Rachel had barged into that coffee house and it was clear for everyone to see how much they missed the other.
"Hi, honey." Rachel said, holding his sister's face. "It's so good to see you", and once again embracing her best friend.
"I can't believe you're finally here."
They reluctantly separated from the embrace so Monica could greet the other two.
"Oh my God, look how big you've gotten." She said, kneeling down to be on the same level as Emma. "I missed you so much!" She opened her arms as the little girl hesitantly made her way to her aunt. Monica then stood up with her niece still in her arms to greet him. "Hey, bro."
"Hi, Mon", he said, giving her a kiss on the cheek. Then the three adults turned to the house when they heard a commotion coming from the living room. "What's going on?"
"Oh, Erica started crawling today and I think she just did it again. Come on!", she motioned for them to go inside the house. "Phoebe and Mike are already here."
They entered the living room and encountered the three other adults gathering around Erica, with expectant looks on their faces.
"Come on, baby girl! You can do it!" Said Phoebe, while holding little Jack.
"Did she do it again?" Monica asked, putting Emma down right next to a confused Erica.
"Yeah, but just for a few seconds. I think we scared her away with our excitement", said Chandler.
After that they all greeted each other, Rachel going straight for the twins. This being the first time she was seeing them after she left ended up being an emotional moment for her.
"Oh, Mon, the pictures you sent me don't do them justice. They are so precious and cute and oh I just want to hold them forever." She was sitting on the floor and had Erica climbing on her lap. "Hi, baby girl." Emma was standing up next to her mother and had a curious look on her face. "Look, Em. This is your cousin. Her name is Erica and this", she said, pointing to Jack now on Monica's lap, "is your other cousin Jack."
She then looked at her father, "Look, daddy, babies!"
They all laughed and cherished the precious moment of the little cousins meeting each other for the first time. He then noticed a look on Rachel's face, he didn't know what it was exactly, but he could tell it was a mix of good and bad feelings. He decided he would talk to her when they were back in his apartment. Now he just wanted to enjoy this time together.
The day went by, like it usually did for the four remaining friends, with Ross helping with the children and the house chores as much as he could. He usually did everything in his power to help and take the weight off of his sister and brother-in-law. Raising one child was hard but raising twins? Oh boy, they did not see that coming. Phoebe usually entertained the kids, either watching cartoons with them like she used to do with Ben or requesting Mike to play the keyboard he carried around to distract the twins.
In the beginning Joey would share the entertainment with Phoebe, but he decided to make the move to Los Angeles a month ago, leaving an even bigger hole in their hearts. He had called a few days ago, upset about being offered the role of a father.
They all laughed at the moment but right now they were all trying to deal with the fact that he couldn't be there for Thanksgiving and was probably not going to be there for Christmas as well. It was a tough pill to swallow, that's for sure.
He was changing Jack's diaper when he noticed Rachel leaning on the door frame of the twin's room. She had a sad look on her face this time, making it impossible to mistake it for what it was.
"Are you ok, Rach?"
"Yeah, I'm fine." He cringed at the use of the word but let it pass.
"Where's Emma?"
"She's downstairs with Phoebe", she said entering the room, walking towards where he was. "Hi, little guy."
"Do you want to finish the job?" He asked, stepping to the side to give her room.
"I'd love to, thanks." He knew she was going to talk about what was bothering her whenever she felt ready, so he just watched her perform her aunt duties and waited.
A few minutes later when she was finishing putting Jack's clothes back on she finally started talking. "I'm just sad that… there's a new dynamic that I'm no longer a part of. It just hit me that life went on without me and it's just hard to accept it, you know."
"I know, that's how I felt when I visited you guys in Paris but luckily enough I managed to insert myself in your routine to make me feel a little better about myself", he said.
"It's hard not to feel guilty." She pulled Jack to a sitting position, caressing his face. "I just feel like I'm missing everything."
"Rach, soon Monica and Chandler will feel comfortable traveling with the kids, and I'm sure my parents and your parents will visit as well. My mom was actually asking me when it would be ok to go, so don't worry.
And, my colleagues were telling me about this new software called Skype that we can make video calls worldwide, so we can arrange that as well. It will be ok, Rach, I promise."
She turned to him, with Jack in her arms, and tried to embrace him as best as she could with the infant in the middle. He knew she felt guilty for going, she expressed that from the beginning and he knew how hard it was for her to be far away from everyone. That's why he thought the job was going to be temporary but somewhere along the way he learned that he would have to get used to the fact that she was not coming back no matter how hard it was for her.
He was cleaning the dishes with Phoebe and having a lovely chat with her. He always enjoyed her company and he really missed her these days. She would show up at the coffee house from time to time, but she was living even further away now, making it hard for her to drop by anytime she wanted.
Nowadays he was the only one to sit on the orange couch and he appreciated his friends' company more than ever now.
"So, how's things with you and Rache? Did you finally stop acting like a 5-year old?" She had a mischievous face, showing him that she was just teasing as usual.
"Yeah, things are good. We talked, I apologized and then told her why I was acting this way." He said, handing her the plate he was washing.
"She can't stay mad at you for long, that's for sure. We all learned that very early on."
"Thank God for that." He chuckled.
"She seems a little sad. Is everything ok with her?" Phoebe, always the observant amongst them all.
"Yeah, she just feels guilty for missing everything here."
"If only we had gone to the right airport that night." She said, drying the forks she was just handed.
"Well, there's no point in dwelling on it, it's all in the past now."
"Are you ever going to tell her that you chased after her to stop her from going?" She asked, looking at him.
"He did what?"
They both turned to look at the door, facing a very confused Rachel.
Hey, everyone! I hope you are all doing well. I just wanted to say a big thank you for all your lovely reviews, it was really sweet to read them and it made me want to deliver this chapter as soon as I could.
This one was not beta'd as I usually read 2 to 3 times before I post them but the lazy girl in me just decided to go with it, so if you see any typos or sentences that do not make any sense, I'm sorry for that lol
