Chapter 7-
I wish I could say thing's change for the better for me since turning sixteen, it hadn't, I with drew even more, my grade dropped significantly, I wish I could say gorge going over sea's was a comfort to me, it wasn't, he continued to hunt my dreams.
Vince had dragged me along during my school break, I had just graduated and was deciding on which college to go to.
Its funny in those moments in life where theirs things that just fade to black and then there's thing that you can remember every single detail.
I remember the first time he kissed me I can tell you exactly what he was wearing, exactly how he smelt, exactly how I suddenly felt an ease when he looked over and offered me one of his dazzling smile's, I remember his beautiful eyes and how lost I got in them.
I remember leaning in every time he came close to me and the feeling of agony waiting for him to kiss me, begging inside of my head for him to kiss me "every time you lean in like that, every time you-" he pulled my lip from my teeth "bite your lip like that, it makes me want to kiss you without your permission." he told me gently as his thumb caressed my bottom lip I had just previous bit between my teeth.
I remember feeling frustrated with his sweet confession and thinking Jesus just kiss me already, so I did the simplest thing I could think of I leaned forward and kissed him myself, I could tell you exactly how he tasted of a sweet mixture of mint and tabaco I couldn't explain, and how the world seemed to crack open at his mere touch as he kissed me back, I remember knowing in that moment I had fallen for Randall Keith Orton.
The next week flew by quickly before I knew it I found myself in the place I had only a month in a half ago left, it felt like much longer then that, Randy and I had decided to wait until after this to come out to everyone.
I bit my lip looking around nothing had changed since I left I bit my lip trying not to laugh, of course it hasn't.
"Hey girl what are you doing here?" the front desk recipnest Judy asked me, I smiled at her "have a session with Marci my family and boyfriend." I bit my lip nervous as her jaw dropped "girl! A boyfriend? Already?" she asked making me laugh "its a long story."
"let me see." I laughed unlocking my phone showing my home screen a selfie shot of randy and I in bed, my head on his naked chest and his arm wrapped around me both of us contently happy, "He is fine, you look very happy." she smiled handing me my phone, I nodded my head "I am very happy."
"Emily." I heard Marcy's voice making me sigh, Judy gave me a reassuring smile as I walked into Marcy's office, I sighed looking around the only one here and Randy had to finish up an appearance which meant he'd be a little late.
"you OK?" she asked as I sat down in the chair in the corner, I shrugged "I don't know." I whispered just as there was a knock and the door opened "her family's here." Judy spoke, Marcy nodded "Randy's running late." I spoke up Marcy "Would you like to wait to start?" she asked me, I shook my head I knew if I waited I'd lose my nerve and not do this, and Randy had been right I needed this.
"OK send them in." Marcy told her as she looked over at me "Anytime you need to stop or have me help you just say so, you have the control here, you have the power." she reminded me.
I blew out a breath when the door opened reviling my family, my mother looking concerned, my farther and Stephanie looking annoyed and Shane and hunter looking confused by this.
Marcy smiled as she stood up "good afternoon everyone, please have a seat and we'll get started, uh Judy when the other party shows up send him on in." Marcy said adding more confusion, I just hoped Randy got here quick.
"OK why are you here? What did you do now?" Stephanie asked I rolled my eyes shaking my head "OK now this is a non judgmental environment and we are all here for Emily." Marcy spoke up.
"Stephanie that's enough." my mother spoke up looking at me "so what is going on?" she asked, I blew out a breath standing up I rubbed my sweaty palms on the back of my jeans.
I walked over grabbing one of the stress balls squeezing it as I sat on the floor in the corner stretching my legs out "Emily sit in a chair please." Vince spoke annoyed.
"No as I said this is a safe zone, and Emily has some thing's she needs to tell you all in hopes to help finishing healing not only herself but for all of you as a family unit, this is how Emily has always been comfortable in my office and she perfectly fine that way. Now Emily would you like to start? Or would you like me to get things going?" she asked, I sighed "if you would start." I whispered my throat dry , she nodded handing me a bottle of water "if it's OK with you I'd like to show them one of our previous sessions, not a counseling one, an activity one." she asked, I just nodded having an idea which one she was talking about.
She turned on the TV pressing play as I watched the blue screen turn onto a picture of Lilly myself and Marcy as she handed both of us each a bat, I watched as I laughed.
"i don't know Marcy if its a good idea to give lil a bat here." I joked making Lilly nudge me "shut up." she rolled my eyes playfully at me.
"OK ladies, this is a healing exercise I want to try with you, now I have set up certain things of each of yours past, the triggers and traumatic experiences in your past, I want you to confront these items, yell, scream, cry, beat the hell out of it with a bat, Emily your first." she told me, I nodded shrugging "i don't know what this is supposed to help." I argued as I played with the belt "just try it see, what do you have to lose?" she asked, I bit my lip looking at the items in front of me.
I walked up to the table, I seen a picture of a BMW vehicle, I knew who and what that represented and felt sick even looking at it, a seen a picture of my family, one of my farther, one of a girl lying on the floor with blood, one of Randy and one of a new born baby, I swoleld hard as tears burnt my eyes looking at that one.
I blew out a breath bringing the bat up to the picture of the BMW smashing it as hard as I could as I kept hitting it repeatedly "i hate you, you took my innocence you took my life from me." I turned the bat on the picture of my family "why didn't you guys see? Why didn't you save me? Why did you send me away?" I cried smashing and turning onto the one of Vince "and you, oh you are the worst! Why didn't you protect me?!" by this point there was glass every where and I had broken through the wooden table as I beat the pictures.
I took a breath looking at the remaining ones going to the one of the girl "i didn't want to die that night, I just wanted control.'' I smashed the picture "i didn't want to hurt anymore, I didn't want to be angry and alone anymore." I cried
I dropped the bat turning to look at Marcy "why? Why bring up all these god damn emotions?" I cried pointing at me table "you still have two pictures." she spoke softly , I shook my head no "i wont." I told her, she nodded "why not?" she asked me.
I blew out a breath "whats the point of this? I was fine! I was doing everything you've thrown at me, im in group three times a week! I'm bringing people to group with me, I got the whole dead baby thing managed, I mean I know people are worried with the whole suicide attempted and all-" I started pacing slightly before turning around shrugging "i know everyone's watching me, hell that's why im here to be watched! Wait for me to freak out and fall apart again, my mother's been calling three four times a day, not my farther though, but uh I guess that makes sense-" I nodded placing my hand on my hips nodding again shrugging my shoulders "yea it makes sense, every male I have ever loved as left me and destroyed me, including my baby." I smacked the picture of the baby with a bat before looking at the one of Randy picking it up, I ran my finger tips over his face.
I anger wiped away the tears that trickled down my nose onto the glass as I sniffled "Thank you universe! You know it should be like a fucking Greek tragedy turning into bat shit crazy but im good im fine." I throw Randy's picture shattered it, turned to look back at Marcy "I'm amazing! I'm the life of the party around here! Joke! Joke! Joke's everywhere! I'm great, I'm fine! I'm dealing!" I could feel myself shaking as I fought off the tears and let the anger poor out of me " im handling the dead baby thing really well." I nodded swallowing the lump in my throat.
"great." Marcy spoke softly as she stared at me watching me letting me go letting me release years of hate and anger and pain "well except for today-" I started "today I yelled at Jason who was only giving me coffee-" I pulled something out of my pocket holding up a baggy of pills "I uh then went up to fourth floor and scored some Oxy from one of the junkies up there, I wont tell you who so don't ask."
"but you haven taken it." Marcy stepped forward with panic on her face, I shrugged shaking my head as I looked down kicking the toe of my shoe "no I haven't-" I whipsed and then looked up "but I might." I smirked nodding "that's the thing I really actually might." I just kept nodding my head " I have been sober for nine hundred and fifthteen days Marcy and I just might." I tightened my jaw "it was fine, I was managed! But I just might." I rocked on my heel's as Marcy looked at me her face in pain
She took a couple small steps towards me "All this stuff your uh managing as you call it, your not supposed to be managing it sweetheart, your supposed to be feeling it, you need to feel it, grief, loss, pain, its normal." she assured me.
I shook my head scrunching my face trying my best to fight off the tears "No! Its not normal!" I yelled out turned around to leave the session, Marcy sped walked to where she was in front of me "no no it is normal but you have never allowed yourself to feel it, instead of feeling the grief, the pain, you shove it all down and you do drugs, you self harm yourself, instead of moving through the pain you run from it! Instead of dealing with the pain and the hurt this world unjustly dealt you, you run from it, like you are trying to right now!"
I bit the inside of my cheek glaring at her "we do these things as humans, we do whatever it takes to dull the pain, we medicate, we self harm, when all along we need to feel it, even if it's as deep as yours or even Lilly's we need to feel it, we have to go through it and be destroyed and build ourselves back up, that's the point of being human and feeling, feel it, embrace it, don't push it away."
I stared at her for a moment "my baby died." I told her shaking my head " he died." I felt the walls coming down as the emotions rised through my throat, Marcy nodded "i don't want to feel! I cant! I don't wa-" I shook my head gripping the bag of oxy's tightly "Randy left and my baby died! And I cant!" I cried shaking my head frantically "if you don't-" Marcy started, I shook my head "I don't-"
"You have to!"
"I don't want to!" I yelled at her putting my hand over my forehead shaking my head "if you don't then that bag of oxy wont be your last." I stared at her as her eyes pleaded with me "it wont be your last and you know it, and this time." she shook her head, I looked down at the baggy and back to her, nodding I handed it to her, she slowly took it from my hand before I let out a cry "AH!" I cried as Lilly rushed to my side wrapping her arms around me as we fell to the floor, she held the back of my head as I sobbed uncontrollable.
I looked up from the screen forgetting that day all the pain I felt that day, I looked to see Shane and my mother with tears, hunter just looked down shaking his head and his knee bouncing, Stephanie and Vince I couldn't read them as I looked down ashamed.
"I wanted to tell you, I jsut-" I wiped my eyes seeing Shane stand up I felt sick he was going to walk out, I just knew it, they all would, I gasped in surprise when he came and sat down next to me, he laid his head on my should and put mine on his chest something he would do with me when I was a kid and would get in trouble with Vince.
"oh sweetheart." my mom cried, I frowned hating I caused her pain again "why didn't you open up to us tell us all of this?" she asked, I shrugged sitting up wiping my eyes, Shane stayed silent put kept me close to him as so much could be seen in his eyes "I didn't know how, how do I say it?" I asked.
"How about I killed off my baby because of some child hood trauma."Stephanie glared at me " I didn't-" I started but was quickly interrupted.
"Hunter man she brings that baby up one more time I wont control myself." came Randy's voice from the door way, I didn't know how long he had been standing there but before I knew it I found myself out of my brother's embrace and clutching onto randys, he kissed the top of my head wrapping his arms tightly around me.
"and what does it have to do with you, Randy why are you here?" Vince asked, I looked up at him and he nodded "Because that baby was mine Vince." Randy told my family as all eyes where on me "and your OK with her killing it?" Stephanie asked.
"Stephanie ENOUGH!" my mother yelled as I felt Randy's grip tighten around me "she didn't, she had a miscarriage, after she caught me cheating on her, and we fought over her pregnancy I handed her six hundred dollars cash and told her to handle the problem, so yea I'd forgive her for anything she did or didn't do that night, what she did that night, that's on me." he told my family, I shook my head.
"No randy its not." I told him.
"Emily." Marcy spoke remidningly these where his feelings and he was allowed to feel it, though I didn't agree with them.
"how long had you two been together?" Vince finally spoke, I looked at Randy "two weeks before my eighteenth birthday." I told them looking back "and when I came back we reconnected." I added.
Vince rubbed his face as Stephanie looked at me "i uh, I thought, with everything else you where doing, Jesus." she covered her mouth as I laid my head on Randy's chest.
"well maybe if any fucking person in this room took the time to see her, she wouldn't of been her, she was crying for help since she was fourteen and the sick fucked tormented her until she was sixteen, none of you saw her, none of you fought for her, and me I'm as much to blame, I believed Vince's lie and never questioned it, never looked for her, didn't protect her from years of being somewhere she didn't belong." Randy blew up.
"I was protecting my daughter!" Vince stood up, randy snorted "you where protecting your name!" Randy retorted.
"OK enough, please." I begged looking up at Randy, he sighed blowing out a breath as he wiped a few tears off my face "are you OK?" he asked, I blew out a breath "I am, you where right." I admitted to him "I feel better its out there."
I turned to my family seeing my mother had her arm on vinces arm, Hunter had Stephanie pulled into him "I'm sorry if I again caused any pain or hurt, but you had said-" I pointed to Vince "last week that you couldn't help me if you didn't know and well now you do." I told them as I held tightly on to randys hand waiting for some type of reaction, someone to say anything, well other then Randy who seemed ready to rip my father's head off at the moment as he held onto me protectively.
"Who did it?" came Shane's voice finally asking the one question I hoped wouldn't be asked, I wasn't sure if I was ready to admit who it was yet.
