Warning: Sometimes bad language adds to the story. Other times it just sounds like a way Nathan would react, sometimes I just want to feel like a bad$$. Oh, there I go again…
Disclaimer: Eh, I was only 8 years old in 2003, what do you expect? I don't own the show.
In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun…
Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,
The world you must have crossed, she said,
'You don't know me, you don't even care, you don't know me, you don't wear my chains'
Boston- Augustana
Nathan sighed when he began rummaging through his closet to find something somewhat decent enough to wear. He didn't even know where he was taking Haley or what they were going to be doing, but he figured looking nice wouldn't hurt, plus the distraction would certainly help him.
His mind had been running nonstop since the reality of the day sank into him. When the day started out he planned to give Haley the note and have her not show up, or if she did, that she would be leaving shortly after since she couldn't handle it. But no. Here he is, five in class suspensions later and finding the right clothes to wear for his outing with Haley.
"You going somewhere?" Nathan broke out of his thoughts when he heard his mother speaking to him from the opening of his door.
"Yeah." He answered shortly, unsure if he wanted to tell his family that he was going to see Haley. He knew his mother would be thrilled to hear it, seeing as she so badly wanted Haley back into his life, but he didn't really want her to get involved. Plus, he didn't want Dan knowing. Dan never did like Haley, or really any girl in that was in Nathan's world for more than just one night because he believed that all they did was provide unnecessary distractions.
"Oh, I wish you would have told me sooner, I already set the table." His mother stated, seeming to be hiding something. Nathan could tell that she was nervous and that she didn't come to his room for some idle chat, but at the moment he didn't care to know what was going on. His mind was too preoccupied already.
"Sorry." He mumbled pathetically as he continued search through his closet. All he seemed to own were workout clothes or shirts and ties, nothing mid-way fancy.
His mother could pick up on Nathan's apathy toward their conversation and just decided to stop beating around the bush, "You know, Nathan, I was thinking about inviting Haley over for dinner one night. You know, I saw her in the café and I think she's living in Tree Hill alone, she might be getting lonely. Plus, it will be just like old times, when she came over for dinner every Saturday. Do you remember that, Nathan?"
Nathan halted his movements during his mom's rant. No, he could not have Haley coming to his house for dinner. He had been contemplating even letting his parents know that he was speaking to her, there was no way that he would allow her to come so that they could poke and prod at her and ask her millions of questions. He didn't want to do that to her.
"I don't think that's a good idea." Nathan said quietly, not wanting to sound weak.
He heard his mother let out a loud sigh before she spoke up, "Nathan, I think you are being ridiculous. This is Haley we're talking about; there is no way that she could still be mad at you. Are you even trying? Are you making an effort, Nathan? Don't you want her back in your life? I know you missed her, I don't understand why you're sitting here, pushing her away."
Nathan could feel himself growing angrier and angrier with every question and accusation that Deb was throwing away. Who the hell did she think she was? What the hell did she know about his relationship with Haley?
"Of course I want her back in my life, I am trying and I'm not pushing her away. She is still mad at me, mom, it isn't that simple."
Deb could clearly see the aggravation and sadness that was plastered on Nathan's face, but she didn't retreat. She truly did not understand what was going on with her son, not that she had ever previously been able to figure it out.
"Are you sure you're trying? Because I haven't seen her here yet and the one of the two times I've seen her walking around Tree Hill she was with Lucas and Jake, not you."
Nathan had had enough of his mother interfering with his life and his decisions, especially when she really had no ground to stand on. She wasn't there when he was a kid in California with Haley and he didn't allow her to get involved with his life now. Not after she had hurt him for all of those years and the only person that would be able to help him through it was on the opposite side of the country.
"Stop it!" Nathan started, finally giving up, "You don't know what the hell you're talking about, alright? I do want Haley back in my life, I need Haley back in my life, but she's pissed at me and it's not the easiest thing to fix."
He stopped, calming down and beginning to feel bad about blowing up at his mother. It's been a stressful day and she just pushed him over the limit of things that he could deal with in one day.
"I'm sorry, okay?" He said, especially when he saw his mother's concerned face, "I am making an effort, alright. I'm going out to dinner with her tonight." He announced, caving in and informing his mother of his plans.
"Oh you are! That's fantastic, Nathan." Deb beamed, very happy for his son.
"Thanks," Nathan started, "I really—"
"What's fantastic?" Nathan was interrupted by his father entering his room as well and breaking into the conversation that his wife and son were having.
"Oh, Dan, Nathan's taking Haley out to dinner tonight!" Deb exclaimed, still clearly excited, and not realizing her mistake of telling Dan the truth about his son's outing.
"Oh, is he?" He asked Deb, though clearly directing his question at Nathan.
"Yeah," Nathan started, collecting himself and feigning nonchalance. "It's not a big deal."
"Who are you kidding, Nathan? Of course it's a big deal." Deb said, not wanting her son to hide him emotions. She knows that this is affecting him, that's why she's so happy for him.
"Whatever." Nathan said, shrugging, and finally grabbing the first shirt he saw and pulling it over his head, needing to get out of his house as quickly as possible.
Nathan was near the front door of his house, when he was interrupted.
"Where are you going?" Lucas asked with an eyebrow raised.
Nathan rolled his eyes and let out a defeated sigh at his brothers accusing thoughts. He didn't want to tell anyone where he was going, and now he was telling everyone.
"To pick up Haley." Nathan answered, exaggerating the annoyance in his voice, letting Lucas know that he was indeed bothering him.
Lucas remained silent, though gave him a look, indicating that he didn't understand and that he wanted Nathan to explain further.
With another dramatic sigh Nathan clarified, "I'm taking her out to dinner so we can talk."
Lucas smirked before letting out a small laugh, "I know. Haley told me. We're friends, remember?"
"Yeah." Nathan responded simply, growing more and more irritated by Lucas.
He was already frustrated by the amount of people who know about his outing tonight and the abundance of questions being thrown his way, but the realization of what Lucas just said did it for him. It suddenly bothered him that Lucas was close with Haley. Haley's his friend, not Lucas'.
Wait, Haley isn't his friend. That hurt even more.
"Is that it? Because as enticing as this conversation is, I have places to be." Nathan stated angrily, when he noticed that Lucas was making no move to get out of his way.
"Listen, I'm going to let you go, but just be careful, man. I mean, don't treat her bad, alright? She's been through a lot."
At this comment, Nathan was sure that there was smoke visibly pouring out of his ears. Who the hell did Lucas think he was? Why did he ever think Nathan's intent was to hurt Haley? Since when does Lucas get the upper hand when it comes to Haley?
"Fuck you, Lucas." He yelled, pushing him aside and leaving through the door. If he would have stayed in there a second longer he was sure that he would physically harm Lucas and he's done enough beating up of people today as is.
Nathan knew that he should have probably waited until he calmed down a bit more before he went in his car to go pick up Haley, but he didn't. He couldn't stall anymore; he wanted to see her, he needed to make things right.
The streets of Tree Hill were rather vacant, but Nathan didn't seem to notice too much. His thoughts were rather preoccupied with other things, remembering his previous life in California with Haley.
Those, to him, wonderful thoughts only ceased once he found himself in front of the apartment complex. Nathan suddenly felt himself growing more and more nervous, though excited, as he walked up the steps to go to Haley's apartment. The reality of what was happening—a second chance with the best person he has ever met—hit him and he couldn't wait to get to Haley. He needed to talk to her, get her to forgive him so they could move on. So they could be friends again. So they could be more.
No—Nathan quickly stopped those thoughts. All the hectic and chaotic events that entered his life once he remembered Haley quickly pushed aside his growing feelings for the 'new' girl. But now it was real; the reality of his old best friend being with him sank in and he was once again faced with the wrath of his developing feelings. Though, he seldom allowed himself to think softly of Haley and with good reason. He just needed to focus on their friendship right now.
When Nathan approached Haley's front door and stuck out a finger to ring the doorbell he paused, noticing that her front door was already slightly ajar. Taking it as an invitation, he simply pushed the door open, stepping into her cozy apartment and calling out her name.
He was greeted with a surprise yelp from Haley who was sitting on the couch in the far side of the room, painting her toenails.
"Sorry," Nathan started, making his way towards her, "The door was open and I—" He stopped when he finally got to the other side of the couch and saw Haley, since his breath seemed to get caught in his throat. He did not expect to see a topless Haley, save her bra.
"You're early." Haley said, clearly uncomfortable because of the way Nathan was staring at her and the lack of clothing she was wearing.
"What?" Nathan asked when he finally processed that she even said something. He removed his eyes from her body and looked at her face, feeling bad for staring, but happy that he had enough self-reserve to not pounce on her.
"I said you're early." Haley clarified, feeling more comfortable once he looked into her eyes, though still rather on edge, especially when he took a seat on her couch next to her.
"Oh, sorry, I, uh, I didn't realize." Nathan stuttered, feeling himself once again losing his will power when his eyes caught onto the dark black ink on her stomach.
So many emotions were beginning to pool over Nathan. The night he first saw it, which didn't help him stop thinking about her in a more than friendly way; the day he suggested it to her on the beach, when he was a completely different Nathan who had Haley; the mere fact that she still didn't have a shirt on. It was all getting to him.
Haley didn't know what to do. Usually when she was nervous she would play with the hem of her shirt, but that was clearly not a current option. She felt self- conscious and unsure of what to do and how to respond. Why the hell was he looking at her like that?
"Nathan?" She asked hesitantly, prompting him to say something or do something. She just needed something that would break whatever was currently going on between the two of them.
Haley jumped slightly when one of Nathan's fingers reached out and began tracing the dark star that was plastered on her stomach. Her heart rate increased when she felt him touching her and saw the look in his eyes. She had to try hard to convince herself that the actions he was doing was just because of the memories of their childhood and not because of their almost, kind of hook-up a week or so ago, but the look on his face was just telling her otherwise.
Nathan sat for a few moments, continually tracing the star, enjoying the reaction he was getting from her and the feel of her smooth skin.
He leaned forward, moving closer to Haley and placing his forehead against hers. Her eyes shut at the contact, trying desperately hard to figure out what the hell was going on. Nathan removed his finger from the star and replaced it with his entire hand, laying it across the pointy shape.
"God, I missed you, Haley." He breathed out, pulling back from her slightly and leaning against the back of the couch, leaving behind an utterly confused Haley.
"When did you get it?" He asked silently, still feeling rather emotional about everything. About their situation, about the tattoo, about the fact that he just really wanted to kiss her.
"Huh?" Haley asked in a daze. She didn't know what was going on with her and Nathan right now, but she know that she missed the sudden lack of contact with his body.
"When did you get it?" He repeated, pointing in the general direction of her stomach. He felt himself getting slightly back to normal and he didn't quite trust himself to speak.
"Oh," She responded, slightly embarrassed. Acknowledging it aloud was different for Haley than Nathan just tracing it. "You're sixteenth birthday." She finally answered.
A lump formed in Nathan's throat at that admission. He had missed this girl so damn much.
"How's California been?" He asked, thinking back to their original friendship.
"Okay. Lonely. I've missed you, Nathan." She explained carefully, not wanting to be too vulnerable in front of Nathan yet.
"Haley-" He began with a sigh. He didn't want to hear that. He wanted to hear that she was able to move on, if only a little; he wanted to hear that she was able to be happy.
"It's fine, Nathan. I was fine. I didn't sit in fetal position in the corner of my room crying for the last five years, okay. Did I miss you? Yes, of course, more than anything, but you are not my whole life."
"I didn't think that." Nathan said, slightly hurt by what she said, but also knowing that he shouldn't be. He changed his mind. He wanted her to miss him, to think about him every day.
"How's Damien?" Nathan asked, deciding to move on and hopefully get their conversation into a lighter area. They haven't even left her apartment yet, the drama couldn't quite begin yet.
Damien West. The kid who picked on Haley in the playground when they were eight years old, then tried to kiss her the next day. Up until he was eleven and left for Tree Hill, Nathan personally was never a fan of the boy who never attempted to hide his crush on Haley, but she insisted on keeping him around during lunch and recess and the occasional after school activity. He was nowhere near being included in Nathan and Haley's presumably unbreakable friendship, but he was there and a part of Nathan's childhood.
"Assy, like usual. I mean he's Damien." Haley said with a laugh. She missed Damien.
She paused before continuing, "We kind of hooked up a few times."
"What?" Nathan asked, feeling slightly on edge. He could only assume that Damien grew up to be like Nathan—well, at least like his jackass teammates. He knew Damien played basketball, pretty damn well, too, and he had the attitude for it. Nathan couldn't imagine Haley with a guy like that.
"I mean, it's not that unreasonable. He kind of became my only friend when you left, and we both know that he's liked me for forever."
Nathan looked away at her comment before voicing his concern, "He replaced me."
"No, of course not, that's not what I meant Nathan. He was just there and you weren't."
Nathan scoffed at her comment, growing upset and hurt. How could that little punk ass kid be a replacement for him?
"Nathan-" She began, realizing her poor choice of words and his suddenly tense body.
"Whatever, Haley. Do you want to go?" He asked while standing up and walking back a few feet, creating space between them.
"Uhh, yeah, okay, let me just get dressed." She said, standing up and walking to her room, deciding to let the hostility go right now. She could feel the tension in the air and figured the outside air might help to clear it.
The ride in the car was silent and awkward, with Nathan's hands tightly gripping the wheel, while Haley just stared out the window, soaking in the town.
"How could you hookup with Damien? I mean, fucking Damien West?" Nathan asked once again, unable to shield the jealously and anger her felt.
"I don't know. He was interested, I was curious. Why is it such a big deal?" Haley defended.
"It's not, I just… Damien West? I'm sure your parents loved that." Nathan laughed.
From the corner of his eyes, he could see Haley tense slightly at the mention of her parents. He figured she missed him.
"Hey, why are you in Tree Hill, anyway?" Nathan asked, just realizing that he didn't quite know the answer to it. He's been so caught up in all the other drama that he didn't get a chance to ask her.
"I, uh, it's nothing. I missed you." She answered, avoiding looking at Nathan.
He decided to let it go, for now anyway, once he realized that they were in front of the restaurant that he wanted to take her to.
"I love this place." He told her as he opened her door for her and allowed her to step out.
"What is it?" Haley questioned, looking at the restaurant that didn't appear to be at all fancy or exceptionally nice. It looked rather homey and comfortable instead.
"I go here everything I get all nostalgic, or whatever. It reminds me of you." He responded before pushing the door open and allowing her to go in first.
"Should I be offended that a place full of food reminds me of you?" Haley asked jokingly, receiving a light laugh from Nathan in response.
"That's not why I think of you when I come here. It's called Mad Mac's. Has multiple various forms of macaroni and cheese. Chili mac and cheese, pizza, lasagna, meatball, you name it."
Haley genuinely smiled at that. She loved how he knew and remembered all these details about her. It made her a little less mad every time he showed that he remembered her.
"Haley, I'm sorry about not remembering you." He started, slowly and cautiously.
He could tell that she wasn't completely pissed at him right now and that they were in a public restaurant and he planned on taking advantage of those things. If what he had to say angered her, he was hoping that this would cause her to react better and freak out less.
"Dammit, Nathan." She scolded, clearly irritated at his attempts of apologizing in a public place. She figured that this conversation was coming, but she thought it would be after. She thought that he truly just wanted to talk to her during dinner, get their friendship back on track.
"What? Haley, I'm sorry, I am. I never wanted to hurt you."
"Nathan, could we not do this now? I want my macaroni and cheese."
"Haley—"
"Not now, Nathan." She finally insisted, ending his apologizes and bringing back an uncomfortable and dissatisfying silence.
The rest of their dinner remained that way as well, only consisting of idle conversation and light glances, neither wanting to further ruin the ever tarnished night.
Nathan was just pretty much pissed. At the situation, himself and even slightly at Haley. He hated that he had to bring their situation up and that Haley had to respond so damn badly. He was sorry and he wanted her back in his life, why the hell couldn't she just accept that?
Although, the thing that Nathan hated the most about the night not working out was just that fact. He hated that he could no longer have a happy and satisfying night with Haley; there was always conflict and drama and just something else going on.
"Thank you for dinner, Nathan, I'm sorry I freaked out in there." Haley stated once they were out of the restaurant and taking a walk down the streets, saying the first feasible sentence since their small argument in the restaurant.
"It's nothing. And don't worry about it, I mean, I shouldn't have brought it up. Not then and there, anyway."
"Yeah." Haley agreed, nodding her head. She sighed before turning back toward him, "Nathan, I never thought that you intentionally forgot me, that you saw me, something clicked and you denied it of believing it was me, that's not the issue, I know it wasn't on purpose. Just the fact that you could forget me, that I could be your best friend for seven years and then five years later you can't even pick me out of the crowd- that's what hurts, that's what I'm mad at."
"I know, and I'm sorry for it. I don't know what to do, I can't take it back." He stated, desperately, not shielding the genuine sorrow in his voice.
"I know, Nathan, I know, I just—Ahh, how could you, how could you not remember me?" Haley asked, knowing that she was already close to tears. It hurt her to think about Nathan not remembering her, but to bring it into a reality and discuss it with him was just a whole other level of pain.
"I, I don't know, you look different." Nathan argued pathetically, cringing at his response himself.
"No I don't!" Haley yelled back, being too caught up in the heat of the moment to truly realize his terrible defense.
"Yes, you do!" Nathan hollered back, now going along with this defense. He would go with anything that would help to get him off the hook.
"Not any more different than you! The second I saw you, Nathan, I knew it was you! I could see the hurt in your eyes, the sadness, the desperation, I remembered you!" Haley proclaimed, finally being hit with his nonsense defense.
"I, I don't know, Haley, I'm sorry. I've been through a lot of shit, alright? It was hard leaving you and having to come deal with the stuff here. Okay? It's been a lot and I really needed you and it was just hard." Nathan defended urgently, needing her to understand.
"Yeah, well, I needed you too. That's why I came here, because I needed you. I remembered enough of us to know that you were the only person who could help me out and get me through this. I remember you and I remember us." She yelled, allowing the inevitable tears to flow willingly down her cheeks. He hurt her so much and it wasn't bearable to deal with this without allowing herself to cry.
"I'm sorry." He cried out, with so much desperation in his voice that they both could tell that he was probably going to start crying to.
"That's not good enough." She said, quieting her voice slightly, feeling the strain of the situation on her at full force.
"What do you want me to say?" Nathan asked, needing her to help him out and guide him through this fight. Needing her to know how truly sorry he is and much he needs her back.
"I don't want you to say anything. I want you to remember me! I want you to have picked me up and spun me around when you saw me. I want you to have seen the hurt in my eyes, the way only you ever could and asked me what was wrong. I want you to have held me when I told you I was dumped with you because Taylor died and my parents began resenting me, saying if I weren't still in high school, they could have been traveling and they would've been there to see her and they would have been able to help her. I want you to have had remembered the only person that you claim you've ever cared about. But you didn't, Nathan. So I don't what I want you to say, because apparently I don't know you."
Haley finished, breathing heavily and gasping for air. She knew that she was a mess right now, so damn vulnerable and hurt but she didn't care. She was pissed, and sad, and hurt and she was in no position to make sure she looked fine.
Nathan was visibly crying too. He didn't realize that he missed so damn much, that while he was sitting there, being an ass to her and not remembering her, she only needed him to help her and support her. To help her get through her sister's death and her family's resentment. He had never felt more disgusted with himself in his life.
"Taylor died?" He asked, barely audible, though Haley heard it.
She was able to regain the slightest bit of self-composure, before walking away and responding over her shoulder, "That's not good enough either."
A/N: Sorry that this took me so long, I kind of pushed it off, not wanting to deal with the intense chapter, not realizing that it's midterms and I was going to get more work at this one time than I've ever received before.
Nonetheless, it's done, and unfortunately not revised since I wanted to get it up, so I am so very sorry for any grammatical mistakes.
Please review, if you do you get a preview for the next chapter. Thank you!
-Megan AKA ToBecomeAClown
