But for all he's worth
He still shatters always on her earth
The cause of every tear she'd ever weep.
Rushing ashore to meet her, foaming with loneliness
White hands to fondle and beat her, give her his onliness
Run- Hozier
It was the morning after the day of Haley's confrontation with Rachel and Nathan and two days after the horrible party. After she left Nathan yesterday she decided that it was just not her weekend and that she'd be better off just sleeping the rest of it off in her apartment. But the rest of the day and the night came and went in no time at all. Although she was able to indulge on her pity party and got Damien to watch more chick flicks with her and eat an absurd amount of raw cookie dough, a new day approached and she had to once again deal with reality.
The worst part for Haley right now is that Damien told her he had to go home yesterday. She never thought she'd be that upset because Damien was leaving, but he had been her lifesaver this weekend. She has no idea how she would have ever been able to survive the weekend without him by her side. But, she understood. He'd already missed a few days of school the week before and he couldn't get any further behind. She appreciated that now he was so dedicated to his studies, but she really wished he could stay a little longer.
Haley glanced at the clock on the table beside her bed and saw that it was nine o'clock. That may not be late to the average person for a weekend morning, but Haley was usually an early riser. She felt like she was being unproductive with her day if she stayed in bed past 8:30 the latest.
She forced her legs over the side of the bed and sighed as she sat herself up. She was really dreading sending Damien back to California, and then the next few days to come, where she'd have to go back to school. She managed to find it within her to stand and place on her slippers before dragging her feet out her door and into the living room, expecting to find Damien passed out on the couch.
However, when she pulled back her door, and walked into the main space of her apartment she found the couch vacant, the blanket folded, Damien's bags packed and her place spotless. She wouldn't have been surprised if her jaw literally dropped. Her place had been a wreck since Damien came to spend the weekend on her couch. She suspected that Damien didn't have the ability to clean even if he wanted to.
She was even more shocked when she looked around and found that Damien was in her kitchen, cooking breakfast. He'd been surviving on ice cream and pizza the last few days and she never in her life expected to see a domesticated Damien.
He smirked at her, knowing very well that the second Haley saw him, she would react this way.
"You still like French toast, right?" Damien asked, still smirking.
Haley only nodded in response, still too shocked to say anything.
"Hey, you know I'm not totally helpless." Damien teased Haley as she wordlessly approached the counter to observe his culinary skills.
Haley finally smiled and broke her silence, "I know, I'm just in shock."
"Yeah, well, just give me a minute and you can taste them and see that you shouldn't be that impressed."
Haley smirked and sat down at the counter in her kitchen, waiting for Damien to serve her.
In a matter of seconds, he turned back to her, two plates topped with French toast in hand. He poured each of them a glass of orange juice before taking a seat across from Haley, on the opposite side of the counter.
Damien shoveled a piece of French toast into his mouth before looking over at Haley and speaking up, "You know my plane leaves back to California this afternoon?"
Haley sighed and nodded. She never thought she'd see the day where the absence of Damien West would make her so upset.
Damien stopped eating and paused. He was shaking slightly and rubbing his hands together. Haley raised her eyebrow at him. It wasn't like him to be nervous.
"Is something wrong?" Haley asked, concerned about her usually cool and collected friend.
"Nah," Damien started, unfolding his hands and smiling at Haley, "I just… I have a proposition for you."
"A proposition?" Haley asked hesitantly.
"Listen, I talked to my parents. Haley, you're my closest friend and I really care about you, and that's why I encouraged you to come to Tree Hill. I honestly thought that this is what would be best for you. But after being here and seeing how everything is between you and Nathan and how miserable you are, I realized that it was the wrong choice. You should be with someone who is going to protect you and make you happy. Haley, I think you should come back to California with me. My parents agree. They love you, and they think that if it's what is best for you then they would love for you to come and move in with us. And so would I."
Damien finished his proposal and let out a rugged breath. He laughed at himself and shook his head before continuing; "You don't need to give me an answer right now. It's an open invitation. I want you to do whatever you think is best for you. Just think about it."
After Damien finished speaking, he got off of his seat and began to clear the counter, taking the dirty dishes to the sink.
Haley sat in her seat, shocked. She didn't know how to feel or what was the right response. Would it be better for her in California? With Damien? She knew his parents well enough and enjoyed their company. They were always nice to her and fun to be around. And, of course, she loved Damien and wouldn't be opposed to spending more time with him. North Carolina wasn't the place she thought it would be. All the signs pointed for her to go back. Why wouldn't she? If not even for the company, California was her home. She loved it there. Beautiful, sunny weather, clear skies, the air was even better there. She could almost inhale it now, just remembering it. It all sounded so perfect.
But then it didn't. There was something in Haley that she couldn't place, that was telling her it was a bad idea. There was a feeling she couldn't shake—it was the same feeling that she felt in the pit of her stomach when she first decided to come to North Carolina—that told her that she was here for a reason, that she shouldn't leave, that some vital part of her would be left in North Carolina if she went to California. It didn't make sense; she'd lived in North Carolina for under a month. Sure, she'd made acquaintances, but there was nothing holding her to this place.
But, of course, Haley was at the top of her class, but she didn't need to be a genius to know that, in fact, a vital part of her was in North Carolina. It had been since she was 12 and North Carolina was merely a small state on the other side of the country that she never had an opinion on before, but now hated with a passion. No matter how cliché it sounded, and no matter how much of an asshole Nathan was, there was no denying that a huge part of her would always be wherever Nathan was.
Haley sighed and looked over at Damien, who was placing on his shoes and getting ready to leave. She didn't know what she was going to do.
Damien could sense her reluctance and knew he'd lost her. He simultaneously loved and hated the part of Haley and cared so much about other people.
Damien walked over to the door and Haley followed him, trying to find the right words to explain how she was feeling, but Damien already seemed to understand.
"Haley, it's fine, you're not going to hurt my feelings. If you think that staying here is what's best for you, then stay. Just remember what I said before, you deserve better than that dick and there's always a room in the West household with your name on it." He smiled, then leaned in to hug her.
Haley took in a deep breath to try and stop herself from crying. She almost accepted his invitation, but promptly bit her tongue. If she was going to uproot her life again, she'd need to put more consideration into it.
"Thank you for everything, Damien. Have a safe flight." Haley told him, after they separated from their embrace and he kissed her forehead.
"Good luck, Hales." Damien said before smiling at her one last time, and turning out the door, leaving Haley all alone once again.
+++++++++She Paints Me Blue +++++++++
Haley didn't know what to do with herself once Damien left for the airport. She'd busied herself with clearing the dishes from their goodbye breakfast, but was then left with a sudden emptiness. She hadn't realized how truly alone she'd felt since she came to Tree Hill. When Damien came to visit, she never had a moment alone, except to sleep. Now, however, it was all encompassing. She sat on the now vacant couch that Damien had been sleeping on for his long weekend, and drowned in the darkness and silence of her apartment.
She hadn't yet bothered to open her blinds, so, although she could see everything, there was a darkness shadowing over her apartment. Haley also hadn't realized how minimally she had decorated her apartment. Since her move was quick, she didn't bother to bring anything with her but the essentials, and she hadn't had much time to concern herself over the décor of her temporary home. But now, sitting alone in the dark, she wished she had. It would have been nice to have a picture or two up, anything sentimental to her that could remind her that she had an actual, at one time incredibly happy, life. She felt an overwhelming emptiness that somehow struck her worse than when Taylor died and her parents abandoned her.
Before, it was mostly sadness, mixed in with guilt; she'd been genuinely sad that Taylor died, but not overwhelmingly so. It was always the demise she expected her sister to have. It was clear to Haley that a life of partying could only be sustained for so long. And she hadn't talked much to her sister since she left when she turned 18. She'd seen her on the occasional holiday, but whenever her sister called home, Haley was never the one to talk to her. To Haley, Taylor was like a distant cousin—she loved her out of obligation and felt a loss when she was gone, but it didn't have any tremendous effect on her life.
But now, sitting in her dark, vacant apartment, the emptiness that overcame Haley was different. She felt it deep in her core. It wasn't just a passive, obligatory sadness that momentarily washed over her, it was an all encompassing, threatening loneliness, unlike she had ever felt before.
She needed to get out of her apartment.
She slipped on her shoes and a light sweater and headed out the door. She decided to take the chance and walk to the River Court she discovered on her first day in Tree Hill. She knew it was a risky decision, since Nathan often went there to play basketball, but it was a cold, overcast day so she figured she might be able to steer clear of him. Plus, she still didn't really know of any other place to go to.
When she got there she found a Scott brother, like she usually does in this town, but the one she didn't mind seeing.
"Hey, Hales!" Lucas greeted, as he made a shot into the hoop.
Haley smiled and waved. She made her way over to one of the benches, where Jake was trying to get Jenny to take a bottle.
"Where's Damien?" Jake asked, sighing with relief once Jenny finally accepted the bottle.
Haley shrugged, "On a plane."
"He's going back to California already?" Lucas asked, picking up his basketball and walking over to the bench too, now more focused on Haley.
"Yeah, he's already missed a few days of school." Haley answered, looking out at the water.
She didn't know whether or not to tell them about Damien's offer. Was she really considering it? Her instinct was to decline, but she kept finding herself seriously contemplating it on her walk to the River Court. Maybe it really was the best option for her.
Jake could easily sense her hesitation, "Are you going to miss him?"
"Yes." Haley answered honestly.
That was an easy question. There was no doubt in her mind that she would miss Damien. But she didn't know if she should really give herself the opportunity to miss him, or if she should hop on the next plane for California too.
"I'm sorry, Haley. I'm sure he'll visit again soon." Lucas consoled.
Haley shrugged and decided to let her friends know about what she was considering.
"I might go back with him." She paused to look at their initial reactions.
Jake looked confused, like he didn't understand what she could possibly mean. Lucas' reaction was a little more difficult to read. She could definitely find some sadness that showed that he had grown accustomed to Haley being in Tree Hill and has enjoyed her company. But she also noticed something else too, something desperate, that she couldn't necessarily place.
"What do you mean?" Jake asked, confirming the look of perplexity Haley had read on his face.
Haley shrugged defensively, feeling intimidated by both of them looking at her expectantly.
"Damien offered for me to go back to California and move in with his family, if, you know, things weren't working out here anymore."
Lucas shook his head, "Haley don't go yet. I know things are rough, but they can still work out. No one wants you to go."
Haley understood Lucas' initial desperation. Of course, like most things in Haley's life, it came back down to Nathan. She knew that Lucas didn't want her to go because he didn't want to lose a friend, but she could tell that he was even more concerned about his brother.
But that didn't really make sense to Haley. She came to Tree Hill because she needed Nathan. How could Lucas want her so desperately to stay here for Nathan? If she didn't come in the first place, Lucas wouldn't have even known about her. He'd been living perfectly fine without her for the last how many years. Why did Lucas think that Nathan needed her so much now?
Haley shook her head back at Lucas, "No, that's the thing, there's nothing here. I mean, there's you guys, but that's it."
Haley didn't know why she was suddenly getting so defensive about leaving, since she hadn't really been taking the option seriously herself. Maybe she was trying to convince herself as well as her friends that leaving was the best choice. Or maybe her subconscious already knew it was.
"You're wrong, Haley. There's a lot going for you here. There are a lot of people that need you." Lucas replied vaguely.
Haley was about to reply to Lucas, but Jake spoke up first.
"You do what you have to, Haley. You've been through a lot recently. You just need to do whatever is best for you."
+++++++She Paints Me Blue+++++
After Haley and Jake became involved in a conversation about Jenny, Lucas made an excuse to leave and went back home as quickly as possible.
He didn't want to be the asshole that made Haley stay in Tree Hill if she truly didn't want to, but he couldn't just let her go either.
She'd been through so much and she didn't come to Tree Hill just to leave both herself and Nathan disappointed and unfulfilled. Lucas understands that's a lot went wrong between them ever since Haley came into town and he had been trying to let it play out, but now time was running out. Lucas felt he needed to intervene before everyone was messed up all over one night of misunderstanding. He cared deeply about both Haley and Nathan and knew that they deserved better.
When he got back to his house he made a beeline for the kitchen and surprisingly found Nathan, Deb, and even Dan there.
"Lucas, you're back early, is everything okay with Jenny?" Deb asked, putting away a dish into the cupboard.
"Haley's leaving." Lucas blurted out, wanting Nathan to know already. He wasn't sure exactly when Haley was planning on making her escape, but figured it would still be better if Nathan knew sooner rather than later.
"What?" Deb gasped, throwing down her dish rag, "Why? She just got here."
Lucas shrugged, "I know, but… but she's not fulfilled."
Of course everyone in the room really knew what was going on, but Lucas still didn't feel right saying it out loud.
"When is she leaving? Are her parents really going to want her back with them in California?" Deb asked, bombarding Lucas with questions.
But Lucas wasn't really listening. He was too busy studying Nathan. He hadn't moved or said anything since Lucas came in and his expression was unreadable. Part of Lucas felt bad for his brother; he kept messing up and every time he tried to fix it, he only dug himself deeper into the pit. But the other part of Lucas was angry at him. If he were Nathan, he would have already been out of the house and running to Haley, begging her not to leave.
Lucas finally answered a desperate Deb, "I don't know. She just showed up at the River Court and told me that it wasn't working out for her here and she wants to go back to California. Where she'll at least have Damien."
Lucas decided to throw in the last part about Damien to see if it would finally strike a chord with his brother, and it seemingly did. Nathan flinched a little and his face tightened, like he was trying to hold in his fury.
"Oh, wow." Deb sighed, finally picking up her rag and returning to the dishes, "I guess if that's what is best for her, she should go. But I really loved seeing her again."
Nathan slammed his fists onto the table after his mother's words, and stormed away from the counter and out the front door. Lucas couldn't contain his relief—hopefully Nathan and Haley will be able to resolve everything once and for all.
Lucas was broken out of his thoughts when Deb spoke up again, "It's really sad though, isn't Dan? She was always so good for Nathan."
Lucas narrowed his eyes at Dan's response; "Oh, yeah, so tragic.", he grinned.
+++++++++++She Paints Me Blue+++++++++++
Nathan ran all the way to Haley's apartment. This was it. This was his final chance. He is a screw up, he knows it. Everyone knows it. But he won't lose this battle without a dying fight. His life is in complete shambles and he figures that it can't get much worse, so he's going to give it all he's got.
There is no way Haley can leave him. He was already stripped of her once and it was the hardest thing that has ever happened in his life. He simply would not be able to survive if it happened again. It hasn't been very clear in the way that their relationship has been going since she came to Tree Hill, but Haley is the most important person in his life, and she always has been. But that's what makes this situation harder too. If her happiness, her sanity and her health are truly the most important things to him, he'll need to let her go if he can't make amends with her, and if she really needs to leave in order to be happy and healthy. It will tear a hole through his heart, but he won't fight her on her happiness, not after everything she has done for him and everything he has done to her. He's terrified of losing her, but he's even more terrified of her losing herself.
As Nathan got to her apartment and knocked on her door to find that she wasn't home, he sat in front of her door, waiting for her to come home and thought about the thing that really has him the most scared; the aching in his heart. It's a somewhat familiar feeling. He remembers it from when he first left California, but at that point it was a lot more of a dull version of what is manifesting itself now. It was always there in terms of Haley. He always felt it subtly, if not subconsciously. But now it was pulsing. His heart was throbbing deeply, aching his whole body and sending tears to his eyes and Nathan didn't know how to describe the emotion other than love. Complete and utter, irrevocable love. He didn't quite know how it happened, but he found himself sitting on the ground in front of Haley's apartment, balling his eyes out, unsure of what to do with himself. If Haley went to California, he'd follow her, he'd have to. He was so lost in his own world that he didn't even notice footsteps approaching him and then stopping right in front of where he was sitting…
Haley and Jake talked for a few more minutes, until she dismissed herself, needing some time alone. Of course, in an ideal world, she didn't want to go back to California. She basically just arrived in Tree Hill. Even though so much has gone wrong since she came to this town, there's still that part of her that wishes everything would still be able to be resolved. It sucks to have to leave after everything that has happened to her. All she wanted when she came to Tree Hill was the comfort and familiarity and love that Nathan could provide her. She desperately wished that everything would fall right back into place and she could heal.
What made it so much worse was that it was different this time leaving Nathan, than it had been when Nathan left her. It hurt so much when she was a kid and lost Nathan, but she managed. It took many long nights and many talks with Damien and her parents, but she was able to move on and live her life without Nathan in it. But she didn't think it would be the same this time. She couldn't just pick up her life in California like nothing has changed. There is no way she would be able to just move on from Nathan this time. His hold on her heart is unlike what it was when they were kids. She knew now that a part of her is always with Nathan, and even if she went back home and tried to move on, a piece of her would always be on the opposite end of the country. She hated feeling this way; it wasn't fair. She didn't want any of this, but it's what she has.
She was crying for everything she lost and the desperate love she had for Nathan when she started walking up the steps to her apartment.
Haley almost stumbled into Nathan, who was sitting in front of her door. She was initially filled with a mix of emotions: love, anger, annoyance. But in an instance, she noticed that he was completely breaking down in front of her door and the only emotion she could feel was sadness. She hadn't seen Nathan in such a helpless state in a long time. She completely pushed aside all her negative feelings towards him and sat down next to him, instinctually taking him into her arms to comfort him, just like she'd done so many times in her life. Nathan looked up at her, surprised to see her there and the whole situation was so recognizable. It was such a familiar state to the both of them, so natural just being in each others arms. Haley didn't know why she instantly felt so comforted; why she was so easily tossing aside all the ways Nathan had hurt her recently. But then she did. It's because, in one of the first times since arriving in Tree Hill, when she looked at Nathan she saw the Nathan she always knew and loved. It was so familiar to her; it was just like they were kids again.
Neither of them got the chance to say anything before they were kissing. Neither quite sure how it happened in the first place, but neither wanting to stop. After a moment, they pulled apart.
Haley shook her head, tears still in her eyes, "What are we doing?"
Nathan shook his head back, holding on to her more tightly.
"I don't know," he answered honestly, "But please don't leave. Not yet. I need you Haley, I love you. We can work this out."
Haley didn't know how to feel, there were too many emotions in this moment. She nodded. She wouldn't leave—not right yet.
++++++++++She Paints Me Blue+++++++
After feigning concern with his wife and waiting for Lucas to retreat to his room, Dan snuck into his office. It was amazing to him that everything could so easily be taken care of for him. He clearly never wanted Haley back in his family's life and he barely needed to intervene at this point to stop it from happening; his son did it all for him.
Just to be safe, however, Dan began searching through his old phone book for the James' old number.
"Hello?" A somewhat familiar, feminine voice answered on the other line. Dan hadn't spoken to Haley's parents in years, and even when they were both living in California, it's not like they were the best of friends, but he was still pretty sure that it was most definitely Lydia James on the other end of the line.
"Hello, this is Dan Scott. Nathan Scott's dad."
There was a pause at the other end of the line for a moment. "Of course. What can I help you with?"
"I was just wondering how your daughter was doing. Haley. You would know of course, right? After you shipped her across the country, you would at least have the decency to keep in contact with her right?" Dan smirked, leaning back in his chair and kicking his feet up onto the desk.
"You must know what happened, Dan." Lydia responded, sounding a little on edge.
"Know what? That your kid died of an overdose? Of course. I'm very sorry to hear it, it was really tragic. But the even bigger tragedy is how you're treating your daughter that's still alive. Listen, it's been an absolute pleasure to see Haley again, but don't you think it's time to take her back in? You already lost one child—don't lose another. Like I said, we love having her here, but I'm just trying to give you some advice, parent to parent. Take her back. She needs her parents, and you'll regret losing another kid."
Dan waited for a response and grinned when he heard a sob. The line was silent again for a moment before Lydia spoke up.
"Oh, I know, Dan. You're right. It's just so hard to deal with the death of a child. You never expect to bury your own. Haley is a great kid. I miss her so much. But she probably hates us now. What should I do?"
"Come here and get her. She misses you just as much, she'll be so happy to go back home with you, I'm sure of it."
There was an anxious sigh on the phone, "Okay, thanks so much Dan for calling and taking care of Haley… We'll be on the next plane there."
Dan smirked. "I'll send a car."
A/N: Well, clearly I didn't make an update in a year. To be honest, a lot of it is disinterest. I haven't seen an episode of One Tree Hill in probably over a year, and I've moved on to other fandoms. But the other part of it, which is harder to overcome and therefore makes it harder to get this story out, is that I started this story 4 years ago, when I was 16. Clearly, a lot more has changed other than just my interest in the fandom. To be honest—I do have an outline of the story—but there are a lot of parts that I no longer feel are relevant or interesting. And, I've mistakenly fallen in love with Damien in my story, so it's getting difficult for me to figure out how to bring Naley back and how to end it… There, that's my longwinded excuse for anyone who is reading. I'm trying very hard not to give up on this, clearly. There should only be a few more chapters after this one, so hopefully I will finish it in a reasonable amount of time and with the same voice and tone that I had when I started it. Thanks for sticking with me, your feedback means everything to me and is the only life source for this story. You are the only reason I still find myself opening my She Paints Me Blue folder and trying to get this story out, so I hope it's to your liking.
Megan AKA ToBecomeAClown
(Also very sorry for grammatical errors. There was no way I was giving it more than a glance over once I finally finished, I just needed it to be posted. I hope you understand.)
