Liza walked into the plush Brooklyn offices of psychologist Michelle Bowman, Ph.D., and after checking in at the front desk took a seat in the waiting room. She was the only one. The room was a typical waiting room with a few serviceable chairs, end tables and magazines strewn about the area and the entire space was nondescript, but clean and antiseptic. The check-in desk attendant sat behind a high-topped counter typing away while Liza flipped through a year-old copy of an entertainment magazine.
Bored with the magazine, she threw it aside and waited somewhat impatiently, again wondering if this was a good idea. She wanted to talk about Charles and get some things off her mind and Maggie's idea of speaking to her psychologist seemed good at the time but now she was nervous.
Ten minutes later, she was ushered back to a nice, modern office overlooking the street not far from the Williamsburg Bridge that crossed over the East River from Manhattan.
"Good afternoon, Liza, I'm Dr. Bowman, but please call me Michelle. Have a seat. How are you? What can I help you with today?"
"I'm doing good. Thank you for seeing me. I am here because I'm dealing with a difficult situation at work."
"I see. Difficult in what way?"
"My life has been a complicated mess the last few years. I fell in love with my boss's boss. We dated and it was very serious, and he proposed. I said no because I wasn't ready to get married again. He didn't like my answer, so we broke up and he started dating a billionaire, but things between us weren't over and he left her at the airport to be with me. We got back together, then we broke up again."
"— Wait, Liza, how about we start at the beginning. What do you do for a living?"
"I'm an editor at a major, albeit independent publishing company in the city."
"Your boss, this ex, what does he do?"
"He's the publisher."
"I see. Okay."
"I started working there during my divorce. I lied about my age because I couldn't find a job. I was desperate to find employment doing what I loved. I knew publishing was what I wanted, but no one would hire me because of my age."
"What was wrong with your age?"
"I was too old. I had been out of publishing for too long, I knew I would need to start at the beginning again, but no one wanted to hire a forty-year-old assistant."
"Do they know your age now? Does he know your age?"
"Yes. Everyone knows the truth now. It was a disaster and could have been prevented if only I had been honest. It's been a long-drawn-out process since my divorce, but everything's out in the open now. I think the years of my marriage created a situation where I lied to myself just to get through the dark days. It made me willing to excuse a lot of bad behavior on my part and in others just to survive. I thought, I'll just throw that feeling on the pile of all the other things I'm feeling and figure out a way to deal with it later, but it became a way of life. I continued that kind of thinking after the divorce and my lies hurt a lot of people, myself included. Charles got mixed up in my lies too and everything was a mess."
"Who is Charles?" the therapist asked.
"Charles is the publisher, the man I'm in love with," Liza responded. "I love and want to be with him, but I think I need to work on myself first and decide what's best for me."
"That sounds like a good place to start. Tell me about your marriage."
"David and I married right out of college. I supported him while he went to dental school. I quit my job in publishing after he graduated. We had a child, and it was cheaper for me to stay home with her than to come into the city for work. That was before working from home became a thing."
"Were you happy then?"
"Yes, we started out happy. David had a nice income, so we were able to live comfortably but not extravagantly. He bought out another dental practice so there was already an established patient base."
"Did you miss publishing?"
"Yes, but my priority was my daughter Caitlin and I don't regret that, but when David started having a problem with gambling and gambled away her college fund, it became more difficult to keep things together."
Fifty minutes later…
"Do you think Charles is still in love with you?" The therapist asked.
"I'd like to think so."
"What if he isn't? Do you think you could move on?"
"I guess I'd have no other choice. His happiness is what matters to me. If he's happier somewhere else, then I will accept that choice because that's what being in love means. I still love him and want to be with him, but he's a man who needs stability and my life has not been stable. I don't mind stable, but I'm afraid of boring. I think I get caught between the two."
"Liza, what do you want to get out of our talks?"
"I'd like to understand why I continue to sabotage a relationship with a man I love and help me as I interact with him. After talking to you I believe I need help asserting myself with others more appropriately."
"Liza, I think I can help you. I'd like us to work on coping mechanisms for why you suppress your feelings and explore why you feel the need to put others happiness over your own. There's a place for ensuring their happiness but decorating our own garden, as it were, is also important and I hear an emphasis on deferring to a more aggressive voice who assumes they know what is best for you, either because it benefits them, or they are trying to sway your decisions towards the outcome they desire, which may or may not be in your best interest. In this respect, our priority is to ourselves and not to others. Without feeding our own souls and practicing self-care we cannot begin to achieve an equal status with others."
Doctor Bowman continued.
"Here's what I want you to work on till we meet again. I want you to be more open about your feelings with others. Be upfront about how you feel. I hear a tendency to live in damage control because your actions don't always match your feelings and you cannot say no or speak up when necessary. If we are honest with ourselves and others about how we feel and how they make us feel and we do it in a loving way, then damage control is not necessary. Are you on board with trying this approach?"
"Yes, I am willing to try."
"Good. Start small. If someone offers you more to drink and you'd rather not, say no thanks. For Charles, why not start with expressing something positive? I'm not suggesting you spill your guts but start by expressing how you feel about something personal. The only way to know how someone else feels is to talk about those feelings."
"Yes, I will. He's out of the country right now but will try when he returns."
Meanwhile in Hampshire, England at the Chawton House gift shop
Nicole Brooks was browsing the gift shop looking for something specific. She was not sure what it would look like but thought she would know it when she saw it. She paused by a glass case that housed some souvenirs that were pricier than the usual trinkets the shop sold. One piece caught her eye making her take a closer look and thought, I like that one. She then took another lap around the gift shop to browse but came back to the case looking again at the pieces.
Just then, Bianca walked up.
"Dad's looking for you. Did you find something?" Bianca asked.
"Yeah, I like that one right there."
"But Nic, you said it had to be —" Bianca started but became abruptly silent.
One of the disadvantages of having a dad who was so tall was that he could easily spot you from his unobstructed aerial view.
"You two ready? Did you pick out what you wanted? We need to get going and meet the Taylors at the pub," Charles asked the girls as he looked at his watch.
"Dad, I'd like to get that right there," Nicole said, pointing to a piece in the case.
"Nicole, are you sure? That's a bit more expensive than I expected. We could find something nicer elsewhere probably."
"Yes, I'm sure."
"But, Nic, it has to be —" Bianca tried again.
"Shhhh!" Nicole turned to her with a warning look.
"Nicole, that's really more than I told you the budget was in here," Charles advised.
"I know. Can I use some of the money Grandma Turner gave me?"
Charles raised his eyebrows and looked at her perplexed. "You sure? You've been saving that money for Sotheran's in case they have an early first edition of "The Secret Garden"."
"I know."
"Why don't you hold on to your money and spend it at the bookstore."
"Please, Dad? I really want that," pointing again to the object and looking at him hopefully but determined to get the item.
Charles looked at her confused but sighed, "Okay, you can have it. Is it boxed? Get it and let's get up to the counter," he told her then walked away expecting them to follow.
Nicole turned to her sister holding her hand up to prevent her saying anything more.
"I know what I said, but I have a better idea. Keep it to yourself. C'mon, let's go," Nicole said, grabbing the trinket box.
Two weeks; Charles returns to the office.
