Charles came to see Liza not long after his return and stood in the doorway of her office with his hands curled around the door jamb.
"Liza, I know we said later this week we'd meet for lunch to talk about edits on my manuscript, but my lunchtimes are all booked up now. Can we move this to one night this week after work?"
"Yes, just let me know when it's good for you and I'll be there," she said, agreeably. "Does tonight work for you?" she asked.
"No, actually not. I have dinner plans this evening, but I can do tomorrow night if that's agreeable?" he asked.
"Yes, I can do tomorrow night."
"Alright, tomorrow night then. Thank you for the change of plans," he told her.
"Not a problem," she smiled, agreeing to the arrangement.
The next night Charles and Liza met in his office late one evening after work to begin editing the manuscript. They ordered dinner and spent two hours working. Liza sat on the sofa and Charles at his desk. Both had their laptops open and the marked up copy that Liza used to make suggestions was next to her. Charles made changes on his electronic copy. Liza emailed a copy of her edit suggestions from the first three chapters and Charles had done his due diligence and looked at her suggestions for edits and made his own notes. This meeting was going over the edits she had suggested and discussing some at length. Liza's suggestions were simple and others more complex and there were disagreements over a few changes. Sometimes it is difficult to maneuver between two people working on a manuscript, each with their own ideas, each with their own industry experience. There was talk of trying to incorporate information from another part of the story into the chapters they were reviewing. Charles had written a very powerful tale, but as with any author, Liza was equally strong opinionated and thought of things he did not consider. Charles understood this process and was not put off by her comments, but it made for a lively discussion at times.
"Written on page twenty it says she came across as vulnerable at first sight. I think more description would come in handy here. What was it about her that seemed vulnerable to you?" she asked.
"She was unhappy with her life, and it showed in her speech and the way she carried herself. It wasn't hard to see that she was just surviving and looking for something better to come along. I was emotionally in tune with that feeling because I was feeling that way about my life somewhat."
"What do you mean?"
"It was the summer after graduation. My life was, in some ways, already planned out. I would take over the business and continue the Brooks family legacy. I was the third generation. It was just a given that I would continue this business. I wasn't as unhappy about my life as she was about hers, but in some ways, I resented having my future already planned out for me. I think she looked at her life in a similar way. An endless merry-go-round of nothingness and void."
"Charles, that's very good insight, but I never knew you thought of your family business that way."
"I wouldn't admit that to many people and I don't want to put that in the book, but sometimes I wonder what would happen if all of this just disappeared one day. It's tempting to imagine something else sometimes. That's what Elisabetta, or Judith, had going through her mind, imagining a different future. As I now know, she made her way through the entire twenty-something roster of young men living in the Hamptons every summer. I was young and foolish. I'm not one to have a fling. Not then and certainly not now, but sometimes it helps to half reside in an emotional state like I do because it makes it easier to see the vulnerable in others. I guess that's what I was trying to convey in this part of the story. I think you have that quality too. The ability to see the unspoken in others."
Liza thought for a moment, quickly doing a mental and emotional inventory of whether she had the ability to see the unspoken in others. She was not sure she did.
"I'm not sure I have that skill. At least, not like you have it."
"Don't you?" he asked.
"For so long I had to suppress my emotions because I went through some very dark days married to David. The gambling, the other women, his patients not seen by him because he was betting on the horses or what have you, the uncertainty of it all. It's very rough going through that type of thing. You don't want to feel anything because you are afraid that if you lose it, if you allow yourself to feel the emotions, the betrayal, the hurt, that you'll lose yourself and wallow in your misery and never get out of that rabbit hole you've just dug for yourself. So, you keep your emotions locked down as much as possible and concentrate on what does Caitlin need most right now? A new pair of shoes? A school fee paid? Does she need a father figure who is there for her? How am I going to provide for her? So, you try to be all those things and keep it all under control and the only way to do that is to be locked down emotionally. Life becomes predictable and very boring, but it's what you do to survive. It took time, but after I started at Empirical and was living with Maggie, things changed and slowly life started to surprise me again. Surprise me in a good way. It was enjoyable. You were part of that newfound wonder at the beauty of living. A completely unexpected surprise that I could find love again."
"What about Josh?"
"I love Josh. He is very special to me. He helped me see life in a fresh and exciting way after the misery of those years married to David, but Josh and I had problems. He wanted to experience all those 'firsts', like, having a baby together, but I had already done those things and didn't want to relive them. I don't want any more children. I didn't love him the way I love you."
Saying the words out loud was risky and she knew it. She used present tense in her wording. I love you. Not loved, past tense. She waited for his reaction.
"Liza, we should get back to the book. I'm sorry I caused this discussion to derail into overly familiar and personal areas," he told her apologetically, looking down at his laptop, wanting to move past this conversation.
"Charles, let's talk about what happened. I want to talk about us."
"Liza – I – don't. Please, let's get back to the book."
"Why are you running away?" she asked him.
"I'm not running away. I'm sitting right here. I just want to get back to the manuscript!" his voice rising in tone, but still controlled.
They looked at each other warily from across the room. Both certain they were right. Each exhausted by the late evening and the tension arising from their discussion.
"I'm sorry," he said. "Maybe it's getting late, and we should put this on hold for now," he said, not looking at her but at his desk and surrounding area clearly feeling uncomfortable about where this conversation had gone.
Liza continued to look at him, trying to gauge whether it was a good idea to pursue this conversation or let it go for now. She knew he would completely shut down if she pushed too hard and judging from his current demeanor it seemed he was already halfway to that point.
"We can take up this discussion sometime later," she said, deliberately ambiguous about which discussion she was referring to.
She reached for her laptop and stood up to leave, turning to walk out of his office.
"Liza," he said, "Thank you for… being you."
She turned around in the doorway, looking at him, "You're welcome."
"Oh, and Liza, I am going to be out of town for a while attending a conference in San Francisco. I don't know when we will come back to this. I'm leaving tomorrow."
Liza nodded. "Okay, thank you for letting me know. I will continue to work on this, and we'll plan something for when you get back. Are you okay with that idea?" she asked, wondering if he was considering switching to another editor.
"Yes, that would be good. Have a good night."
"Yes, you too. Safe trip," she told him as she walked out of the room and back to her own office to gather her things and head out for the night.
Charles watched her leave with mixed emotions. He knew she was right. They did need to talk more about what happened right before he left for Yaddo. He had plenty of down time while he was away to think about her, them as a couple, Quinn, he and Quinn as a couple, and all the things that had led to their unexpected break-up. Two break-ups within days of each other did not sit well with him. He wanted stability, but the last few years had not given him much stability and he did not like it. He knew better than to lie to himself anymore. He loved Liza and probably always would, but she also attracted upheaval. It seemed to come naturally to her the same way people were lucky or successful. Part of that was exciting. It made life unpredictable, but he wanted to be with someone who was not unpredictable with him. He meant what he said, he wanted them to be close and special, but he also did not want to entertain the thought of getting back together or bringing up what happened. He was the kind of man who cut all ties when things were over, but that was impossible here. Firstly, because she was still in his life as his employee, but secondly because he, again being honest with himself, admitted that he did not want her out of his life. He was still navigating the fine line between what they had been and what they would be and tonight that line was challenged, and it did not feel comfortable.
A/N: The next update is not until June. It's written but there are some upcoming time constraints. Next time: Liza visits her therapist and pays a call on Josh.
