Scout walked down the corridors of the base, bat in hand. It was morning, the team was dispatched at Sunshine just a few hours ago for their usual battle against the BLUS. Scout loved the potential of kicking BLU's ass as much as the next homicidal maniac around here but seriously did he really have to drag himself out of bed at 11pm every time the team went across the country? Surely the Blu's would be fine if their regular meal of bat-in-the-face was a few hours late, right?
Whatever. Scout has woken up early numerous times before for this shit and had enough Bonk! in his fridge to keep himself up for weeks. If he can take the personal toll of seeing both his teammates and himself die over and over again in a war that has dragged on for years slightly better than the average person, he can take a mild case of grogginess.
He walked out into the base's kitchen. Engineer, one of the 4 mercs allowed on the stove, was cooking up pancakes, on Pyro's request, while Sniper and Demoman looked at the coffee machine as if it could feel the effects of peer pressure and feel compelled to brew faster. Pyro, Spy and Soldier were in the next room, sitting around a large table, passing the time before the next battle. Everyone was tired, driving across the country at 3AM always had that effect, never mind how many times they did it, and now were biding their time before they would fight the BLU's once again.
Scout went and grabbed a bowl and a packet of sugary cereal from the cupboard then looked at the fridge. Only a hint of milk left. Scout considered using soda as a substitute.
Engineer looked up from the stove for a moment, looking more tired than most. "Huh, mustn't be ya lucky day, is it kid?".
Scout started pouring the cereal into a bowl, silently accepting his fate. "Eh, it's fine. I like it dry."
Engineer stared at him for a second, then resumed looking at the stove. The pancakes were nearly done. "Yea sure." He moved the last pancake to the second plate beside him. "Respawn room was actin weird last night. Mice musta ate through the wirin'. Had ta work until 5:30 to fix it."
"Oh man, 6:30? Guess ya pulled an all-nighter. Are you sure you're ready for today?"
"I'll be fine, son." Engineer finished pouring rainbow sprinkles onto Pyro's stack. "I've gone weeks without sleep before, this is nothin."
"I'll take your word for it, Engie." Scout, slightly concerned for Engie's wellbeing, started to join the rest on the breakfast table. He looked at Spy, who was reading the newspaper.
"Yo Spy, whatcha readin 'bout?'
Spy looked up from the paper, with an annoyed sigh. It was 7am and already he held a glass of wine in his hand. "Zhere's just celebrity scandals and missing person cases in this, Scout, nothing zhat you would enjoy."
"Oh cmon, Spy. 'Nothing I would enjoy?'. I'm not a kid, Spy, I wanna know today's sports!"
"You're not a kid? Scout, you're talking through a mouthful of dry Lucky Charms right now."
"Shut up and tell me if the Lucky Squirrels won," Scout said angrily, with a mouth full of dry Lucky Charms. Spy laughed.
Sniper, with a massive cup of dark black coffee, sat down next to Scout and tiredly sipped his drink. "They did. Saw it on the telly earlier."
"Oh sweet. Thanks, Sniper."
"No problem."
"GENTLEMEN," Soldier shouted, startling the others, as per usual. "I HAVE TO INTERRUPT YOUR BORING CONVERSATIONS ABOUT SPORTS AS I HAVE VERY IMPORTANT NEWS TO GIVE TO YOU.
"Ok Soldier, vhat is it?" Spy sighed.
"LIEUTENANT BITES." Soldier pulls the dishevelled raccoon out from seemingly nowhere. "SHE'S LEARNED HOW TO PLANT EXPLOSIVES."
"Aye, Nice." Demo said, from the kitchen.
Solly smiled. "IT TOOK ME 3 WEEKS, MULTIPLE FIRES AND TWO RABIES SHOTS, BUT BY GOD IT WAS WORTH IT." He held his prized pet up in the air, proud of their achievement. "MAYBE THIS LITTLE SOLDIER CAN ONE DAY JOIN THE GOOD FIGHT? WHADDYA SAY, YOU LITTLE RASCAL, YOU WANT TO DESTROY THE BLU'S WITH PAPA ONE DAY, DON'T YOU?" He started petting Lit. Bites' nose in adoration.
"Yeah, maybe ask Ms Pauling first." Scout looked at the animal, who looked more than a little singed. "Get it tuned to the respawn machine. Wouldn't want to lose her to an array of bullets, won't cha?"
"GOOD POINT, SON. THIS WARRIOR SHOULDN'T DIE IN THE HAND OF THOSE BLU BASTARDS. I'LL ALERT MS PAULING AS SOON AS I CAN.
"Speakin of things that keep us from dyin," Sniper looked at the corridor connected to the rest of the base. "I wonder where Medic is right now."
"Cmon Snipes, It's Medic. He's probably stuck in his lab."
"Yes, but usually, he would be getting food for his birds right now. They're the only thing that'll deter him from his work." Sniper turned his hat around. "Heavy should be here too, now that I think about it.
"Aye, ya right, where are they?." Demo agreed, coming to the table, sword and coffee in hand. Heavy would've finished cleaning his guns half an hour ago, and yes, Medic liked to trap himself in his lab for hours, self-care be damned, but, like Sniper said, his birds usually made him get something from the fridge around breakfast.
"Come to think about it, they were late to the truck as well." Engineer interjected.
"I mean, they did plan to hang out after work, Doc was fixin my leg when Heavy asked 'im." Scout added.
"Oh yeah, I know about their meeting, Doc told me yesterday." Engie smiled. "Seemed awful pleased about it."
"You shoulda saw him when the hangout was planned."
"Huh, He musta been overjoyed..."
"He was Ecstatic!" Scout leapt up from his seat as he remembered something, about to share something that really shouldn't have been shared. Wait, Oh man, In fact, You should've heard him during the surgery. Doc was talking about how freakin gorgeous Heavy was for Hours. When he came to ask Doc, I was surprised that he didn't propose to him on the spot." Scout's eyes gained a mischievous glint. "Hey, What if they liked their hangout so much they wanted to continue it... in bed?"
"Wait Wait Wait, Scout," Spy interrupted, waving his arms about. "Vhat did you say about Medic?"
"Repeat what? I'm sayin that they're fuc-"
"I didn't mean zhat, you foul-mouthed buffoon. I meant ze surgery."
"OOOOOooohhhhhhhh. That. Yeah I was having a bunch of metal taken out of my legs, the conversation turned to Heavy somehow, I made some joke about Doc being in love with him or somethin, then he asked me how I knew dat, not gettin the joke, I was goin to reply on what he meant, he INTERRUPTED me and then the whole damn surgery was interlaced with him talking about how amazing he is…". Scout looked absentmindedly at the ceiling while talking, then jerked upright in worry.
He looked at the array of mercs looking at him across the table.
"Shit."
Doc's gonna kill him.
"Excuse me?"
"Sorry. Doc said he'll propose to Heavy if I told anyone."
"Vhy is zhat a-"
"Using my own heart."
"Ah." Spy looked slightly concerned for a second. "Well, Zhank you for your sacrifice, Scout." He smirked. "My God, I can't believe he acktually said it."
"Wait." Scout took a moment to process the new information. "You knew?"
"Vhat? It's obvious!" Spy's chuckle turned into full-out laughter. "Our lovely doctor couldn't be more infatuated! It's hilarious!"
Scout looked around the table while Spy nearly choked on his wine. "Did you guys know already?'
Everyone, including Lieutenant Bites, stared back at him, sharing looks that answered Scout's question with a shrug and a shake of the head. Scout reacted back with a confused "How?".
"Doc hasn't been real, how you say, secretive about his uhh... attraction to Heavy." Engineer took a pause from his pancakes. "Asked me what the chemical composition for love was while we were workin in the lab. Straight outa nowhere. I told him the answer, it's dopamine and norepinephrine, by the way, then he sighed, said that was interestin, then rested his head on his arms while smiling. Didn't take long to find out what was up."
"Nae, Bold of ya to assume he's not hidin it," Demoman interjected. "I accidentally tripped 'im yesterday morning n he dropped all these photos of Heavy, from newspapers and th' like. He immediately tried to pick em up, shouting at me to "go away" and that the pictures were "nothing important"." Demo chuckled to himself. "Must've been important to 'im if he was so quick to grab em." He sipped his coffee. "Feel bad for his wife tho."
"Demo, ya know what a beard is, right? And isn't she cheatin on him with your doppelganger?"
"Ah. Good point."
Soldier slammed his hand right down on the table, grabbing the attention of the others. "MEN! YOU ARE YACKING ON LIKE KIDS IN THE PLAYGROUND WHILE IGNORING THE REAL PROBLEM!
…
"And zhat is?"
"OUR MEDIC IS DISTRACTED! HE'S MORE FOCUSED ON HEAVY'S ASS- uhFACE THAN THE MISSION AT HAND! SURE," Soldier started waving his hand around like a madman. " THE MAN HAS KILLED AN ABUNDANCE OF ENEMY SPIES AND SCOUTS, AND THAT DESERVES A MEDAL, I'LL GIVE HIM THAT." He facepalmed patriotically. "BUT AT THE SAME TIME, HE DOESN'T HAVE HIS HEAD IN THE GAME! WE CAN'T HAVE A MEDIC WHO SPENDS HIS VALUABLE TIME PLANNING HIS AND HIS COMRADE'S WEDDING, PINING FOR ANOTHER TEAMMATE SHOULD BE KEPT OUTSIDE OF WORK HOURS, NO MATTER HOW AMAZING THEY ARE IN BATTLE. AND THAT IS FINAL."
"Uh, Soldier?" Sniper interjected.
"PARDON?"
"We're wayyyyyyyy past the wedding, mate."
"HUH?"
"The wedding was 5 days ago. He's on their bloomin wedding anniversary by now. Probably their 25th by th' looks of it."
"WHAT."
Sniper sat back in his chair, closing his eyes and rubbing his forehead, trying to remember something. "Ya know how Doc likes ta jot down notes about his "research"? He's been writin down more-ahhh personal notes in his notebook lately. There's sketches of Heavy, muscle anatomy, date plans, last name swaps, plans to hold the folks at the wedding registry to ransom, ya know, normal crush stuff." I've seen bloody school children hidin their attraction better."
Spy burst into another laughing fit, the 4th one ever since this conversation started. "Oh, my friends, you haven't even seen ze wurst of it? Gentlemen, gentlemen, you should've looked into his room." Spy paused, trying not to choke on his wine, again.
"His room? Would'ja want to elaborate on that, Spy?"
"Oh, it's gorgeous. Saw a glimpse of it zhis morning. It'z like what Sniper said about his notes, but worse. Zhere are notes already strewn across ze room, some of it scientific research sure, but my god, we only got here a few hours ago and zhere's an entire chalkboard dedicated to whether their meetup last night vas a date."
"Well, was it?" Demoman interjected.
Spy stopped laughing for a second. "According to ze chalkboard, he has no idea, ze results are inconclusive apparently."
"Ah."
But anyways, zhat's not zhe best part!" Spy started laughing yet again. "It's like what Sniper said about his notes, but worse. Numerous papers planning out his confession, drabbles about how zhey are ze perfect team, zhere's 5 plushies of Heavy on his bed, and, dear god" Spy puts a palm to his face, trying to keep composure. "He vants to create a child with him."
"Wait, what?" All of the mercenaries, even Pyro, were stunned by the news, partly by how forward the idea was, as well as exactly how that would work. None of them were exactly on board with the implications, to say the least.
"Don't worry," Spy chuckled. "Ze notes imply a more, how you say, out-of-body approach than anything you're thinking of. Just ze syringes and baboon organs you vould expect from Doc." He glanced to the side. "And thank god for zhat. Alas, I vas going to look around more but zhen he came back from his lab, holding a large box, and screamed at me to get out. Threatened to replace my bones with sticks." Spy smiled smugly. "Zhat man couldn't have hid his embarrassment if he tried."
Scout said back in his chair once again. "Yea, you would expect someone like Doc ta hide it better."
"Well, son, let's just say that love can turn the world's smartest brains to chowder, 'n' Doc seems ta be no exception." Engineer piped in.
"It's either that, or sleep deprivation," Demoman added. Everyone except Engie agreed. He was right. Medic was a bad sleeper even on the best of days, and his crush on Heavy hasn't done him any favours. "It's probably both, considerin him." He snickered.
"Well," Engineer, who slept 2 hours, retorted. "If ya really wanna know why he's actin like this." He pointed at one of the corridors in the kitchen. "Why don'tcha just ask him?"
Sure enough, Medic, the man of the hour, was standing in the corridor, wearing the clothes he was wearing yesterday, looking like he didn't sleep at all.
"Excuse me, you vanted to tell me vhat?" He said, confused.
"Nothing! A-Absolutely Nothin, Doc!" Demo lied unconvincingly. He liked where his organs (besides his right eye) were right now, and he didn't want them to change right now.
"Oh, Demo just asked me where ya kept all the rubbing alcohol, ain't that right, Demo?" Engineer grinned.
"Aye!" Demo glanced daggers at the Texan. "Ahy wanted something uh-stronger than my usual scrumpeh. You were stuck up in ya lab so I asked Engie. He didn't know either."
"Demo, I swear to god." Medic facepalmed. "I've already told you, you can't have access to zhat, you'll drink it all. And while it vould be fun to see vhy you aren't poisoned by ze alcohol content, zhat stuff is expensive, and you know zhat."
"Aye, sorry, I uh-Forgot." Demo has heard this lecture from Doc before, and he did NOT want to rehear it.
"Well remember next time." Medic walked over to the cupboard while talking, looking for the birdseed. Maybe he would actually remember to get something for himself.
Engineer was curious. "Not staying for long, are ya Doc?"
"No, no, I'm too busy right now. I vant to work on some things in ze lab before we go out and fight today."
"Eh, fair enough. Scientific fervor got you in it's grip again?"
"Ah yes, scientific fervor, you could say it's zhat." Medic glanced to the side.
"Well, don't let us keep you from you your lab for too long, lord knows how many times I was kept from workin from something."
"Ja, you understand." The doctor smiled while grabbing the bird seed he came there for. He hesitated for a second, before getting a handful of crackers, for himself.
"Uh doc, not to keep you from ya work, but why don't you just stay with us a little bit longer?" Scout looked over to the right of the kitchen, noticing something.
Medic, who was just going to go back to the lab, stopped in his tracks. "Herr Scout, zon't take zhis ze wrong vay, but again I vant to work on mein projects before battle, if you vant to talk to me surely it could wait a bit-"
"Yeah I know that, I just thought Heavy would want to talk to you this morning. You were out together last night, right?" Scout gestured towards the corridor, not to Medic, but to someone near him.
"T-talk to Heavy?" Medic's cheeks flushed. "Zhat would be nice, but unfortunately my work uh is very important right now and h-he's not even here-"
"Uh Doktor?"
"Not now Heavy, I'm in ze middle of a- wait."
"Hello, Doktor."
Medic's face reddened even more as he turned around. "Oh-ho! I'm so sorry mein freund! Didn't see you zhere!"
Heavy stared at his friend with a small smile. The awkward tension between them could be cut with a knife. "Is fine." The smile widened, as if he was hoping for something. " Last night was fun, yes?"
"Yes, yes, it vas exhilarating."
"Good! Dat's uh good! Heavy liked when we watched dem go through hoops."
"Oh, I liked ze bird show as well!?"
"Dats Great!"
A moment of awkward laughing, then silence passed.
"I-I-I should be going now, Archimedes is calling me… Ze zoo vas wunderbar, zhank you." Medic started walking back to his lab.
"Wait, no, stay!." Heavy took a deep breath out as if he was wary of what he was going to say. "Could Doktor come with me to meeting room? I have uhhh new plan to crush babies and I would like Doktor's input.
"Y-You vant to talk to me? I-In the Meeting room?" Medic started shaking. "Alone?"
"Da?"
"Oh my, I'm so sorry but I vould have to decline-"
Heavy frowned. "Why not?"
"I'm busy. Very busy right now my dear, and while your new strategy sounds interesting, My experiment iz Very Important. I'm making a new uhhhh Blood. Type."
"Blood type?"
"Yes, a new blood type," Medic speed walked to the doorframe, his face redder than a tomato. "It would be a medical breakthrough. Planning on calling it Type L. Now I'm so sorry but zhat has to be worked on right now so-excuse-me-Ineedtoreturntomylab,goodbyemeinfreund!" Medic ran down the corridor back to his lab at breakneck speeds, sweating gallons.
"Goodbye, Doktor." Heavy sighed, his expression turning into a tired scowl. He stood near the corridor for a while, took a breath, annoyed at something, then walked slowly over to the fridge.
"Well that... didn't end well for ya mate." Sniper said, trying to make sense of what happened.
"Heavy knows. Don't rub it in."
"Wasn't doing any of the sort. Care to tell us what that was?"
"Hmmm, No."
"At least tell us what you're angry about, mate."
Heavy brought out a sandwich from the fridge for breakfast. He eyed a bottle of vodka, considered pouring himself a glass, then decided not to. "Is personal. Team does not need to know.
"Oh, come on." Scout moaned. "We all saw what just went down, can't ya just tell us?"
Heavy walked over to the table, sandwich in hand. "Can't team restart with what they were talking about before?"
"Yeah uhhhhhhh sure," Scout looked around the table, nervous. "So uhh Sniper, can you tell us more about the history of jara-"
"You're not gonna get my secrets, Scout."
"What."
"You're not gettin them."
"Okay. Cool. Let's move to something else then."
"What was team talking about before?" Heavy said, confused.
"Jarate, like I said" Scout lied. Spy stared at him, disappointed.
"Team wasn't talking about Jarate, Scout is lying."
"I'm not-"
"What was team talking about?"
"How's Sasha?"
"Sasha is fine. Cleaned her this morning. What was team talking about!"
Silence filled the room. Heavy's eyebrows went up for a moment, as if he found out something.
"It was about Doktor, correct?" He said, softly.
