Trigger warning for alcohol and homophobia being implied, but not practiced.
Scout's eyes widened in surprise. "Wait do you-"
"Yes, I know Doktor's… affections." Heavy nodded. "He is not good at hiding it.
"Yeah, no shit. You would think he would be better at hiding his crush." Scout chuckled.
"Why would Doktor want to crus-"
"Hidin his feelings, dude. It'sa Figure of speech. He doesn't actually want to crush ya."
"Oh."
"Would be pretty hard to crush you anyway."
"Hm, True." A small chuckle came out of the giant, before reverting back into stoic-ness. "Does everybody know?"
"Yeah," answered Sniper. "Everyone came to their own conclusion." He paused. "Well, everyone 'cept Pyr-"
"BLAM!" Pyro slammed their left gloved hand against the table as if it hasn't been slammed multiple times in this conversation. "Mmmph! Mmmmmm Hm Hm, mmmmMMMM!" they hummed angrily, gesturing towards his right arm. It was held high in the air like you would do to ask a question, and it looked like she was holding it up for a while now.
"Oh. Sorry mate." Sniper apologised, "Didn't see ya hand in all th' conflict."
A loud muffled hum that sounded like a sigh was emitted from the pyromaniac, as they reached into the pile of crudely drawn pictures beside them. "Mmmph! Mhm Hmm hmm." She picked up one, holding it up to the team. The picture showed an array of white, cream and red rectangles that kind of looked like Medic, holding a white rectangle to a green square with white squiggles. Beside him was a bunch of ovals that seemed to be Pyro.
Engineer clicked his fingers, getting what the drawing was depicting in seconds. "Ah, is he explaining his inventions to you?"
"MmmmmmHm!" Pyro pointed excitedly at Engie, letting out a flurried array of hums.
"Oh, that's nice."
"Uh, Engie?" Demo interjected. "What is Pyro goin on about?"
"They wanted to know more about Doc's Ubercharge."
"Ah."
Pyro put down the crayon drawing, reaching back into her stash and pulling out another one, showing a rectangle with glasses and squiggles for hair explaining organs, as seen by the white square with pink hearts and intestines inside near him. Pyro brought out another picture. This time the four-eyed rectangle was talking about the mercenaries and their surgeries, or a mound of red and black shapes, it was hard to make out. A large oval with an orange ribbon tied around it seemed to have a certain emphasis.
"Hey, look at that, ya storyboardin has improved," Scout mumbled.
Pyro paused for a moment, emitting a small "Mmm MphMM Mmm!". The next picture had the rectangle specifically talking about the oval guy, having gained a slight blush. The final picture, which Pyro had to swipe off Lit. Bites, showed the rectangle, still talking about the large oval guy, now looking to the side, with visible blush and cartoon hearts for eyes, an array of hearts surrounding Oval Guy.
Heavy scratched his head awkwardly. "So, Doktor was talking about Übercharge, then he moved to team, then Heavy?"
"Mmmmm, Mmm Hmm." Pyro retorted, looking at Engineer.
"Yeah, pretty much." Engineer translated.
"Hm." Heavy tapped his large fingers across the table. "So how did rest of team find out?"
"Eh, Basic Speculation."
"A whole buncha pictures of ya."
"I looked in his notes."
"TOO DISTRACTED DURING BATTLE."
"I looked inside his room."
"He told me during leg surgery."
"Ah. Interesting." Heavy looked to the side, thinking about something, then looked at Scout. "Heavy walked into that one, correct?"
"Correctamundo."
"Ah."
"So anyway," Scout twirled his spoon around his fingers. "Heavy, how didyafind out?"
Heavy stopped for a moment, thinking, then sighed and crossed his arms. "Heavy will admit, Took while to find out. Was clueless until last week. It was after match, and I was reading on couch. Doktor came in, tired, and I moved over for Doktor to sit. He was avoiding Heavy for few weeks, and I wanted to ask why but Doktor fell asleep, hands on Heavy's arm. Heavy was fine with Doktor sleeping but wanted to turn page, so I nudged him. Doktor was unresponsive. I nudged again. Doktor gripped onto arm like pillow. I nudged yet again and Doktor woke up, all sleepy. He looked around and said 'Hello' then noticed arms wrapped around Heavy's arm. He jumped up, said things about science then ran out of room, like what happened today." Heavy chuckled. "He was blushing like lettle school girl!"
Scout chuckled as well, Medic had been blushing a lot lately and seeing a 50-year-old man whose body count was in the thousands acting like he was in high school was hilarious. "Soooooo, that was the time when you realised that he was in love with you?"
"Da."
"Damn, Must've been pretty good for the ego."
Heavy's smile returned. "Yes, was flattering."
"Oh, cmon. Don't play humble. Doc goes freaking crazy whenever he sees your face." Scout smirked. "You got a small glimpse into my world for a second."
"Ah yes," Spy wheezed, losing his composure once again. "All ze middle-aged doktors constantly fawning over you. Maybe you can give Heavy some tips."
Scout's smirk quickly turned into "That wasn't what I meant and you know it, pal."
"Of course." The Frenchman snickered. "Like you don't need to go to the dentist every week."
"Spy, I swear to god-."
"Ok matey's, let's just stay on Heavy's love life right now." Demo interrupted, put off by the idea of Scout with a middle-aged dentist. He turned to the stoic strongman. "So, Heavy, do ya have any plans on how to uh, break the news?
Heavy glanced around the room, his eyes then resting on Demo with a confused look. "What?"
"Ya know what I'm talkin about. Let him down, break his heart, tell th' truth."
"Heavy does not understand-."
Demo sighed. "Tell 'im you don't like 'im, in that way. Aren't ya goin ta do that?"
Scout and Sniper looked at each other, Spy started chuckling to himself and Engie and Pyro started to try to get Demo's attention. Heavy gripped his left forearm, his expression becoming cold, eyes looking at his teammates.
"Heavy, uh, does not have plan for... dat."
"What? Heavy, are ya scared Doc is gonna kill ya if he finds out?"
"No. Doktor's not that kind of killer."
"Aye, he isn't. Gonna be hard tae tell im, tho. His whole bloodeh god complex is restin on your shoulders."
"Da. I know. Just uhhhh-" The strongman stalled for a moment, thinking of what to say.
"HEAVY, DEMOMAN'S RIGHT. THIS WAR IS TOO IMPORTANT TO LEAD MEDIC ON LIKE THIS. RIGHT NOW, YOU HAVE TWO OPTIONS, BREAK IT OFF, OR BECOME LESS ATTRACTIVE TO HIM."
...
"Какие."
"LIKE I SAID, BECOME LESS ATTRACTIVE."
"Again, Какие?"
Soldier rambled on, having no idea what Heavy was saying. "LOSE THE MUSCLE, SHAVE YOUR CHEST HAIR, BECOME SHORTER, SOMEHOW. NORMALLY I WOULD SAY TO GAIN WEIGHT, BUT MEDIC SEEMS TO ACTUALLY LIKE YOUR GUT, SO IT'S HIGH TIME YOU LOSE IT, PAL! SPEND 5 DAYS IN BED WITH ONLY SCOUT'S VIDEO GAMES AND A BUNCH OF LETTUCEHEADS FOR COMPANY. IT MAY LEAVE YOU MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY WEAK, SON, BUT THAT'S A SACRIFICE YOU'LL HAVE TO MAKE, FOR THE TEAM, FOR AMERICA!" He saluted once again.
"No."
"WHAT."
The Soviet's eyes had a dumbfounded expression on them. "Heavy's… not doing dat."
"WELL, TELL HIM HOW YOU FEEEEEEEEL, THEN! DO YOU WANT MEDIC TO DIE OF A HEART ATTACK?"
Spy's normally very distinguished demeanour was nearly gone, replaced by a person who was trying very hard not to spray wine on their suit. Everyone looked at the Frenchman, who was nearly choking, then turned back to the conversation.
"No, of course Heavy doesn't want… that." Demo looked once again at the man, who looked slightly put off by Soldier's comments. "Jest, your suggestion was a little uh, out there."
"I DON'T UNDERSTAND."
Demo gave up on trying to explain why the backup plan was a bad idea. "Listen, Heavy. I know he's ya best friend and all, and ya don't wanna lose 'im, makes sense, but I don't understand why you're not goin-" He looked at Engie, who was finally able to grab his attention. "Oh. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh. That's why." Demoman remarked softly, his face showing regret. He just realised something pretty big.
Soldier, still not understanding what the rest of the Mercs figured out, carried on with Demo's statement. "YEAH, HEAVY, YOU'RE ACTING WEIRD ABOUT THIS." He looked around the table. "IN FACT, YOU'RE ALL ACTING WEIRD. I SEE YOU, YOU ALL KNOW SOMETHING…" Soldier's eyes tightened, his hand bashing the table once again. "WHAT IS IT? I SEE YOU, LOOKING AT ME, TALKING TO YOURSELVES. COME ON, LIEUTENANT BITES GOT YOUR TONGUE? SAY IT OUT LOUD, YOU COWARDS!"
Engineer sighed, clasping his nose with two fingers. "Solly, I'm afraid thats th' problem."
"ENGIE, EXPLAIN."
The Texan looked over at Heavy. "The uhhh secret isn't ours to say." Engie took a deep breath and turned towards the Strongman cautiously. "Hey, pal, is there something you would like to share with us?"
Heavy shook his head with a mild groan. His grip on his forearms was tight, his face stern, with a light blush on his cheeks, his breathing laboured, and his eyes darted slowly from side to side, never locking on a target. It was almost uncanny to see the man, who had looked at horrors both alive and undead without breaking a sweat, to look so… uncomfortable.
Engie took another deep breath. This conversation would be daunting normally, and, no offence to Demo and Solly, but their add-ons didn't make it any harder. "Listen, I know this thing isn't allowed where you came from, so, if it's any consolation, I'm in the same boat. I won't hurt you for it, and I trust every man in this room to not hurt you either."
"Trust me, I won't." Sniper added.
"Me too." replied Scout.
"I, uh also offer my condolences." Spy muttered, collecting himself once again.
"Mhmhmm Hmmm!" Pyro muffled.
Heavy's face softened a little. "Heavy knew team wouldn't already, but thank you."
Engie smiled. "Well, good ta hear. Are you ok telling us?"
"Hm. Heavy planned this to be secret, but sure." The strongman paused, taking on a more boisterous tone. "But if team makes fun of Heavy, I promise to crush team's bones like twigs."
"Eh, sounds reasonable."
"I… HAVE NO IDEA WHAT GOING ON." Soldier interrupted. "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT."
Heavy took a deep breath in. "Soldier knows about what happened last night, correct?"
"OF COURSE. THESE PRICKS WERE TALKING ALL ABOUT IT BEFORE."
…
"Ah, good to know." Heavy scratched the back of his head, taking a moment to shoot a look at Scout, then turning back to Soldier. "You want to know why I took Doktor out?"
Soldier became more puzzled. "BECAUSE HE'S YOUR FRIEND?"
"Uhhh No." Heavy sighed. "Well, not exactly."
"THEN, WHY?"
Heavy smiled goofily. "Was because I planned it to be first date."
The table fell silent, the implications of the words laying down on the team. Sure, everyone except Soldier (who was currently being shushed) knew what he was going to say, but the sound of the words in the air combined with how something so cheesy can come from Heavy of all people is a lot to take in at once. Eventually, someone had to break the silence-
"Freak-in knew it."
And obviously, it was Scout.
"WHAT."
Scout smiled as he leaned back in his chair. If he had a baseball he would be throwing it up and down. "I knew it. You're in love with Doc. I've known for years by now."
Heavy slammed his fist into the table, which didn't deserve this slander, then looked around wildly, his face turning from lovestruck to incredibly pissed off in record time. "Ho- Huh-HOWWWWWW." His other arm was up in the air, palm raised and fingers curled, half for expressing how incredibly confused he was and half, if he got the chance, for strangling Scout.
"Woa-hohoh-oh, don't get your claws in a twist there, man." Scout's voice was somehow infused with both way-too-confident cockiness and immense fear at the same time. "I was just kiddin around jeez ahahahahah don't kill me."
"Give Heavy good reason not, then we'll talk." Heavy's fingers curled, almost as if he was breaking the air into a million little air pieces.
"Hey hey, listen, it was just a simpleobservation, ok? You're always grumpy and grouchy all the time unless Doc is around, then you're happier than Engie when he made his robot arm."
"This arm is one of my greatest inventions, son, what about it?"
"Nothing, Engie, your arm is cool as hell." Engie smiled, as Scout continued. "Anyway, The point is, you're freakin 'smitten. Been smitten for a while now. You're not at the same level as Doc, but my god, you really do like shouting how great he is at every opportunity, dontcha?"
"Doktor is great, why is saying that so weird?"
"Not the way you say it, my dude." Scout put his hands to his face, adopting a terrible Russian accent. "Iiii LOOOVE this DokTor! You are GREAT DokTor! We go ToGeeeeeether, DokTor, Let's get Married and move to small cottage where we could be ToGETher forEVER, DokTor!" He dropped the accent. "You see? You see where I'm goin with this?"
Heavy's face grew bright red. "I will crush you, lettle man."
"I know. Buuuuuuut I'm prepared to spend my last waking moments showing the team just how freakin in love you are."
Heavy stayed silent.
"Listen, I wasn't the dude who stopped a train for him, my guy."
Heavy's gaze could now cut through bank vaults.
"Ok, Scout, you're goin into some dangerous territory right now, son." Engineer said, smirking. "Would be bad if ya got a broken- '' He looked at Heavy. "-everything before the match starts." Engie turned his full attention to the now-fuming mercenary, trying to change the subject. "Hey, wouldja wanna tell us more about your uh crush, then?"
Heavy's face softened slightly. "Sure." he sighed.
"Okay then," Engineer pulled his chair closer to the table. "What was it about 'im? His face, his charms, his megalomania?"
"Doktor is hard to describe even in Russian, but English will suffice. I've seen that man defy laws of nature without flinching, then turn around and worry about if I am hurt." He clenched his fist, shaking it slightly. "He is smartest person Heavy's ever met, his creativity is only matched by his dedication, his beauty only matched by his thirst for blood." Heavy then splayed his hand out, waving it through the air, then laid it down on the table. "о Господи, everything about Doktor is a sight to behold, and I am honored to be the one to protect him." He smiled, his anger towards Scout forgotten.. momentarily.
"Another question, if I may, when exactly did ya find out?"
Heavy's posture relaxed, his arms crossed. "Hmm. Been long time. I must've realised when Doktor performed first Übercharge." He patted his chest, right where his baboon heart was. "I still remember moment it worked, clear as day."
"Man. That is a long time." Scout added. "Why haven't you asked him out until now?"
"Well, Heavy does not want to go to mental institution."
"Yeaaaaaah, that is a good point." Engie nodded. This sort of thing wasn't something you'll want to scream from the rooftops, even if sodomy laws weren't enforced much around here. "Any other reasons?"
"I didn't want to ruin friendship. Heavy would protect Doktor even if Doktor hated me, but wasn't sure if Doktor wouldn't feel comfortable with Heavy if he denied. Felt safer,to stay friends and ignore feelings."
"But let me guess, zhey got stronger over time?" Spy asked.
Heavy sighed, pinching his nose. "Yes."
"Well, let's not worry about this sthuff, he likes ya back!" Scout rhymed. "A little too much, but still."
"I know."
"How did it feel to know?
Heavy paused, smiling. "Heh... Great...", he said, his way of saying he was near ecstatic.
"And so ya asked 'im out last Tuesday." Demo added. His eye moved to the right, his expression sympathetic. "I'm assuming th' date didn't go as well as you thought."
"Don't remind me."
"Aye." The Scottish cyclops went quiet for a moment. "Could ya at least tell us about it?"
"...No." The Russian sighed, staring at the fridge.
"Awwwww, cmonnnnn, you're really that butthurt?" Scout's smile was wider than a Cheshire cat.
"Heavy will speak of date no longer. Dat is final." He gritted his teeth. That vodka sounded really good right now.
"Sorry mate, but Scout will just pester you to days end if ya don't start up now."
"Can vouch for Sniper 'ere. That bastard is persistent."
"It's true. Just tell us, pal."
"No."
"Wouldn't hurt to tell us. Just let it go."
"Yeah! What he said!"
"NO."
"Well this is getting interestin'."
"What are ya, scared? Ya scared of this? You're scared of a little conversation?"
"Heavy is scared of nothing. We're. Not. Talking. About This."
"Wouldn't it be nice though? To talk about your shitty date? Ta let out what's troubling ya?"
"Isn't being homosexual and in love with best friend enough?"
"Old news, pal. I wanna know why you haven't kissed your friend yet!"
"..."
"Aw, don't look at me like that, what was the date like?"
"..."
"He won't stop now, mate. Better now than later."
"..."
"Jest let it out mate. Won't hurt."
"..."
"Come onnnn."
"Tell us."
"What happened?"
"..."
"...Fine."
"AAAYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEE." Scout, Sniper and Demoman high fived each other, chuckling to themselves. The rest joined in, shaking fists and toasting their comrades. Heavy sat in silence, done with this bullshit. A large glass of vodka was pushed towards him, as compensation.
"Saw ya lookin at the fridge," Demo smiled. "Knew ya wanted it."
"Thank you." He needed it.
"Least I could do, after that fiasco." Demo sat back down. "So, where do we start?"
Heavy sighed, took a sip of alcohol, then landed the drink back down. "Plan was simple. Go to zoo, look at birds, listen to Doktor talk about birds," His smile returned. "Go to secluded place, tell Doktor how much I love him, he loves me back, we get drinks in fancy restaurant to celebrate, then go with team to different base. Again, was simple." His face then twisted into a disappointed scowl, teeth gritted. "So why did it fail?"
"How could it fail?" Sniper questioned. "He's been obsessing over dating you for a bloody month now. All ya havta do it is ask 'im out."
"I did tell Doktor. I told Doktor hundreds of times. Heavy does not know why, but Doktor did not understand what- what I meant.."
"He didn't understand what ya meant?"
"Every time I told Doktor I loved him, Doktor wasn't listening, or Heavy got interrupted, or Doktor just thought it was compliment..." He downed the rest of the vodka, not taking the disappointment well.
"Can I refill that for ya?
Heavy nodded and pushed the glass towards Demo in response. The glass was refilled.
Sniper twisted his hat back and forth absentmindedly. "So, basically, you planned this whole bloddeh first date for 'im, but then he was oblivious to th' fact it was a date?" He questioned.
Heavy shrugged. "Da."
"Man." Sniper raised his hat up. "Is he that infatuated with you?"
"Maybe." Heavy paused. "Wait, what do you mean?"
"Now I'm assumin you weren't being subtle-," Sniper started waving his right hand around absentmindedly. "-No offence Heavy, but you're as subtle as a brick usually, but he might be so in love with you 'nd your face 'nd your personality nd' shit, that he can't even fathom that you like 'im back. Like every amount of common sense leaves him the moment he sees ya, as if you're those eldric monsters in the stories Demo likes."
"Hmm. I guess you have point."
"He does." Spy smirked "And I've got to admit, zhat's a hard feat, to drive a man crazy with your mere presence. I zon't know how a man like you did it, but you certainly accomplished it. I must say, well done."
"Thank you… wai-."
Scout interrupted before any more shit could go south. "Hey uh Heavy, I wanna know, what's your next plan?"
"Huh?"
"What's ya next plan? Th' backup to ya backup?
"I do not understand."
"Ya know, plan C, the- thingy thing thing." Scout took a moment to collect his thoughts. "How are ya gonna ask Medic out next?"
"Oh." Heavy was visibly caught off guard. "Uh-uh Have not thought of third plan." He sipped the last dregs of Vodka from his glass.
Demo noticed the empty glass. "Want me to refill that again, mate?"
"Only leetle bit more. Would not want to be bad role model for Sasha."
"Suit yourself." Heavy's glass was refilled, only halfway this time.
"Well, ya can't just chicken out now, dude." Scout resumed. "Ya got nothing to lose and some sweet sweet mad scientist ass to win!"
"Never say that about Doktor again."
"Got it." Scout shrugged. "Jest, listen to me, yes, Medic is as dense as freakin concrete, and yes he's somehow completely ignored every single goddamn time you've said you loved im'. Whatever happened near the kitchen doors plus your shitty date proves that."
"Date wasn't... bad. Heavy though exotic birds were interesting, Doktor held onto arm whole time. Was nice."
"...Cool. What I'm sayin here is you can't just mope around 'nd quit, capiche? You've already won Medic's heart, it just got lost in the post office, and ya gotta beat up the mailman because he's secretly been hoarding packages, including Doc's heart, to build a death ray." Scout barely has any idea what he's saying anymore, his words flowing out of his mouth at a rapid pace. "Third time's the charm, ey, and luckily you've-" He pointed both of his thumbs to himself, smirking. "-got the most charm-iest person here to help ya out!"
Heavy leaned forward, partly to make him look intimidating and partly because the alcohol was starting to kick in. "What is Scout proposing?"
"I'm pro-propo-propoosssss asking ya if I could be your wingman!" Scout sat up in his chair. "We've got some time before the match starts, we can plan something that can really knock the socks off Doc. We can even add winning the match into the plan! Chicks dig won matches!" The Bostonian stalled for a second. "Well I wouldn't call Medic a chick but you're getting my drif-"
"Oh you've got to be kidding me." Spy facepalmed. "Just what are you going to plan? For Heavy to give Doc a bucket of chicken and a bad pickup line?"
"What-uh no… Shut up."
He turned to the giant. "Now, mon cher, I have seduced many men and women over my life, if zhere's anyvone here zhat can help you here, it'z me."
"Wait a second," Engie interrupted. "You like boys?"
"You'll be surprised how many institutions you can infiltrate with some suave words and a suit." Spy smirked. "But zhat's besides my point. Medic iz not your average man, zon't go and think he deserves a half-assed job."
"Bloody 'ell, stop fightin over this, we don't need it." Demo scoffed. Seeing the other's fight was fun, but it wasn't what they needed right now. "Getting through Doc's skull will be hard, and I have a feeling that for this project we need all hands on deck. Am I right, lads?" Demo turned to Engie, Sniper, Soldier and Pyro, smiling. "You boys wanna become wingmen?"
"I'll be glad ta help!"
"Ehhh yea sure."
"ME AND LIEUTENANT BITES KNOW DATING LIKE THE BACK OF MY HAND, DEMO, OF COURSE WE'LL HELP."
"Mmmmm Hmmm!"
Heavy looked confused, everything went so fast that he barely knew what was going on. "...What is Team doing?"
"I guess we're gonna get ya with Medic, right? Like ya asked?" Demo replied.
"Heavy never asked."
"Oh. Ah. Huh." Demo stalled for a second. "Well would'ja want us to help ya? With Medic?"
"Hmmmm." The gun enthusiast's face crinkled up, deep in thought. Eventually, the sides of Heavy's mouth slowly crinkled up into a small smile. "Hmm, fuck it." the Soviet shrugged. It felt weird to hear him actually swear. "Let's see what team can do."
The team cheered a second time. It was official. 'Project: Wingman' was a-go.
Demo pointed finger guns at Heavy. "Aye, thanks lad, you won't regret this."
Heavy returned the gesture while sipping his glass. "Heavy hopes Demo's right."
Soldier then dropped an array of paper, crayons and a confused Lieutenant Bites down on the table. "WELL, IF WE DON'T WANT TO BE DISSAPOINTED, WE'LL HAVE TO MAKE EVERY SECOND PLANNING THIS COUNT." He split the materials between the team. "COME ON MEN, LET'S NOT DILLY-DALLY. WE HAVE A MATCH TO WIN AND A HEART TO STEAL!" The patriot smiled. "DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR. LET'S. GET. TO. WORK, LADIES!"
*rolls in using skateboard* PLOT TWIST MOTHERFUCKERS*pulls off shades to reveal another pair underneath* THEY'RE BOTH DORKS *EXPLODES* Also here's some translation for the Russian used (yes i got this from google translate, if i got something wrong blame that):
Какие (pronounced kakiye) - What.
о Господи (pronounced o Gospodi) - My god
