AN: Ok folks this one is a doozy. Enjoy this took months and i don't know how to write battle scenes.
Also before you ask, I did the math, Heavy would have a BAC of 0.043, assuming the vodka he took was 20% strong (i didn't say it was good vodka) and he weighs about 200 kg (might be lowballing it here). This means he isn't considered legally intoxicated by American law and can consent to sex. He can't drive a car though, but luckily there are no cars in this chapter.
ALSO, If any of you come to me in the comments and say that i did a bad job of portraying drunk guys please consider that a. I've never been drunk before and b. It's TF2, I can do what I want.
Shout out to James or bugsarecool on tumblr for proofreading.
"So-uh, are we done now?"
The Boston Bastard looked at the array of scattered papers and empty coffee cups and plates strewn across the table, remnants of the team's planning.
Sniper passed a tired glance at Scout. "Well, If we're executin' it today, it has to be." It's been about an hour since they started, and after the constant arguing, setbacks, getting Scout's mind out of the gutter, really bad ideas that no one saw as bad until much later, Spy giving up halfway through, spilled drinks, three more coming outs, one bi realisation, Lieutenant Bites eating paper and that one time Medic came back for a coffee, Project: Wingman has come up with a plan.
What was the plan?
Step 1. Team goes to match, someone pairs with Medic to keep him away from Heavy.
Step 2. Team wins match, making sure that Heavy gets the last point.
Step 3. Heavy dedicates win to Medic.
Step 4. Profit.
…
It was never stated that it was a good plan.
"Well." Engie tried to sugarcoat the situation "Considerin' the time restrain I think we did uh pretty well." It was hard to tell if he was lying or not.
"It'z a terrible plan." Spy groaned, his head on the table, both disgusted and in shock at how classless his teammates dating advice was (his words not mine).
Heavy sighed, slowly getting out of his chair. "Plan is not terrible. Team did well." He looked to the side, trying to hide something from his comrades.
"Vell of course you wouldn't see it for vhat it is, you're barely over just asking him to screw you!"
"Heavy does not see why there are so many rules for this. Why can't Heavy says what he means?"
"Say what you vant a little better, zhen." Spy lifted his head just so he could facepalm. "And take zhose ass shorts you're wearing off."
"What is wrong with shorts?"
Spy waved his hands around in the air. "Everything. Everything about zhem. All of you have disgraced ze art of seduction, and I zon't know how you could disgrace it any further." He gestured towards the door. "Let'z just go to ze match now, and hope Medic's standards can withstand zhis shit."
Heavy ignored the masked man, moving his body towards where the pick-up point was. He just had this conversation before, and he didn't want to have it again. "Again, plan is ok, but there is thing Heavy… does not like." He whispered, not wanting it to reach the rest of the team.
Demo stood up, turning around to where Heavy was. "You don't like something?"
Heavy stalled for a moment. "Hmm. Is not important. Carry on with plan."
Engie was not convinced. "Well, it's your plan. You should 'ave some input."
"Like I said, Is not important."
"You've took on the BLU's before, mate. You can do it again."
Heavy paused, again. The tension in the room could be cut with a knife. "Well. Do me and Doktor really have to separate?" He muttered, his voice slow and slurred.
"... AHAHAHAHAHJESUSCHRISTWHAT." Demo and Scout burst out laughing, Engie letting out a small chuckle.
Heavy was not impressed. "Is just small nitpick of mine. I feel worried if Doktor's not safe on battlefield."
"AHehe, sorry pal, just that we're planning on ya just not being near him for th' match, Heavy. You're gonna see 'im again, he's not going out at sea, never to return."
"I just want to know." Heavy wasn't a lightweight in any shape or form, but the 2-and-a-half glasses of straight (heh) vodka he took did show. "I would dedicate life to keep Doktor safe, team knows dat."
"Don't worry mate, I'll take good care of ya future husband." Demo, the one designated to partner with Medic, retorted. "You'll see ya darlin' Ludwig again." The Scot swooned mockingly.
"No."
Scout joined in. "Your dear Ludwig."
"Stop."
Sniper couldn't help himself. "Your a-doredLudwig."
"Shut up."
The three smiled smugly as they walked towards the corridor. "Sure, pal, we'll stop."
"Hmm."
"You need to impress your dreamy Ludwig after all!"
Heavy's glared once again at Scout, this one turning the boy's blood into acid.
Scout gulped. "Ok. Got tha message."
The corridor was filled with silence, as the team walked to the pick-up spot outside. The meeting room's door was on the left of the mercs, a quick reminder of what happened an hour ago. Spy touched Heavy's shoulder, then gestured to the door. "May we see inside?"
"Huh?"
"Apologies, I disagree with your methods greatly, but I might as well ask, could you show us what's in zhere?" "Considering vhat I've seen, your seduction can't get vorse…" He muttered to himself.
Heavy looked at Spy with an acknowledging yet neutral face, then opened the door. The room was softly lit by bird-shaped candles, scattered across the space like stars. The large table used for meetings had a tablecloth draped over it, two plates with sandwiches and another candle in the middle. A gramophone sat in the corner, a record already set in, ready to be played. The setup was simple, clearly made last-minute, but cute nonetheless.
The team all stared at the room. "Is this why you were late to breakfast?"
"Da. Did take some time."
Spy, while not showing it, was very impressed. "Well, not what I vas expecting." He muttered, turning to the Soviet. "Vell done, you might actually not screw zhis up."
"Thank you."
—-
The battle started like every battle before it. Medic took up Demo's offer of bombing up every BLU in existence without question, Engineer, Sniper and Spy went off to their own thing, and Soldier, Scout, Pyro and Heavy went out to kick ass up close and personal.
The pieces have been placed, the table has been set, the bait has been taken. Now all they have to do is win this battle.
Making sure that only one specific person wins it.
That particular (not-demo) person being currently drunk.
Yeah, this is doable.
The RED and BLU teams met up at the belltower, BLU Scout's foot touching the middle point first before getting blown to bits by a well-placed rocket. RED's own Scout circled around the point and shot their Pyro full of lead before running into a flown grenade, taking Demo with. The two teams were neck-and-neck, Heavy and Soldier finally touching it after getting rid of one pesky mini-sentry and a too-cocky Hybrid Demoknight, with some help from a well-placed sticky bomb and some flying needles.
The two quickly thanked Demo and Medic, as common courtesy, Heavy taking a (very small) moment to dwell on the syringe now stuck in his side. If everything goes to plan, those syringes would be the only interaction between him and Medic. A very small sacrifice for a greater cause, sure, but it felt weird for Medic to not be at least in proximity to him.
But no matter. Time to rev gun again and shoot babies. Other Heavy advancing on point will go first.
…..
With strength, dedication, an ample amount of rockets, and the ability to fight with weapons, The RED team was able to push the BLU's back away from the Bell Tower, but not without some casualties. Spy got hit with a shovel moving at Mach 20, Soldier got headshot, Heavy got blown up, and Sniper had his face come into contact with a fireball thrice, to name a few.
Demo looked at his sticky launcher, then at the lighthouse in front of him. From the looks of it, the BLU's weren't screwing around this match. Good. He needed a challenge.
It was littered with Blu's, Demo could see their Heavy, Medic and Soldier conversing in the top, Sniper perched near them. Two dispensers and a 3rd level sentry was planted on the right of the lighthouse. Another (1st level) sentry was set on the building behind it, currently being upgraded. One of their teammates must have been swapped out to make space for another Engineer. Poor guy. Probably the Pyro. The rest of their team was fighting against his team at the chokepoint, Demo could even see a sentry being built. In theory, if he could bomb their sentries, taking the bastards at the top with them, he could, best case scenario, win the point for his team, and surprise attack the rest afterwards. The plan was set, his bombs loaded, now he would just have to check with his conspirator-
…
And he's busy staring at Heavy right now.
Oh, bloody 'ell.
He had to give some credit to the man, Medic had the decency to do his job while pining harder than a Canadian forest. He even does a really good job of it, compared to his usual performance, just now, Doc has a tendency to get… distracted.
Demo sighed as he nudged the perverted practitioner, trying to get his attention away from the probably-not-family-friendly thoughts he was thinking. He couldn't exactly blame Heavy, what could he do, follow Soldier's advice and try to become less sexy? (to Medic, I mean.) Hell no! All he can do is get him back to reality as quickly as he can. He shook Medic, now slowly gaining higher thought. At least this plan stops him from checking Heavy out up close…
"AH!" A good-olde bitch slap did the trick. "Ich'bin hier! Ich'bin hier! Vhat did I miss?"
Demo pointed to the array of BLU's near the lighthouse.
"Oh, Ja, Uber's nearly done, just so you know"
"Aye, Good."
"Yup."
Medic smiled. "Vhat's ze plan?"
"Well, I was plannin', We sneak up towards their base, I plant th' stickies,-"
"Ya"
"-You pull Uber, then I'll detonate th' bombs on th' staircase after these bozos-" Demo pointed to the men in the lighthouse. "-run down from their post,"
"Ja."
"They turn around to see their first sentry busted, then we'll bust their asses with some pipes-"
"Ya."
"Then we'll turn around th' lighthouse, get their other sentry bombed to high heaven,-
"Uh-huh."
"Then we go up, grab th' point, then surprise attack th' rest while we still can!" Demo smiled, he could practically hear the screams of his soon-to-be enemies. "Yah like it?"
"Ah-Yah."
Demo frowned. That was not the amount of enthusiasm he expected. "Aye said, do ya like it?"
"Ya."
"Do ya like my plan?"
"Mhm-hmm."
"Are there any questions ya have? Maybe some… feedback?"
"Yah."
"Spit it out then."
"Mhm-hmm."
Demo looked left towards the chokepoint, where Heavy was punching the lights out of a pesky Scout. "You ain't listenin' to me, aren't ya?"
"Yup."
Ah, an honest answer. Hard to find these days.
"Well, can I take all your medicinal alcohol and start a bar?"
"Yah-wait-vhat?"
"Ah,-" Demo smiled once more. "-Ya back!"
"iiiiii never left."
"Eh, never mind. You got distracted again."
"Distracted? My friend, I don't get distracted.."
"Doc."
"Yah."
"You were distracted just now."
"Pffffph." Medic waved his hand absentmindedly. "No I was-" He looked to his side. "-n't."
Demo slapped him again. "Ya did it just then."
"A-hah, You can't prove ANYTHING."
"Oh really? What's my plan then?"
Medic stalled, trying to remember it. "Your plan? Oh, yes! Zhat!"
…
"You win zhis time."
"Eh, it's fine, Doc." Demo sighed. "We all let our hearts lead our heads astray sometimes. Jest keep your four eyes peeled right 'ere for now and follow me when I say go nd' pop Uber near the lighthouse, ok?"
"Sounds good! Oh also, Ze Uber is ready-" Medic stalled once again.
"Vhat do you mean by "letting my heart lead my head astray?"
Demo froze. He screwed up. "Nothin, nothin, Doc. Just wait till I say go."
Medic frowned. "No, I just don't like vhat you insinuated zhere."
"Oh, insinuated what?"
"Zon't play dumb with me, do you really think zhat I'm ze man to be "led astray" from my duties just because of a nice voice and an impressive physique?"
Demoman had to stop himself from laughing. "Oh no, of course not."
"Honestly, Tavish, I'm a professional. I didn't get kicked out of numerous hospitals just to be accused of losing precious time fantasising about a coworker. I can assure you, Demoman, I am not pining over a teammate, and even if I vas, do you really think I wouldn't have asked him out by now?
"Doc, are ya good-"
"Not only am I a professional, I could cham ze pants off of a gott damn mule." Medic's face was bright red now. "Even If I did vant to date Heavy, in which as lovely as he is, I don't, I wouldn't wait around vondering if he liked me back, I vould go up and kiss him right zhen and zhere! BECAUSE I COULD WIN OVER ANYVON, EVEN A MAN LIKE HIM," He started stomping the ground. "AND ZHAT. IS. FINAL."
"Uh, Doc."
"WHAT IS IT."
"You're glowing right now.
Medic looked down. Sure enough, he and Demo were glowing a bright metallic red. He must have popped Uber accidentally during his totally-rational rant. He looked back at Demo.
"Shit." They both said in unison.
Without any other ideas, the two ran out into the fray, hoping that they could somehow not waste the remaining Uber. Demo jumped out, haphazardly shooting out his stickies around the sentries, the lighthouse and everywhere Demo thought someone could be. Then, he tried to bomb the group of people in the lighthouse.
Emphasis on tried.
BLU Sniper noticed the duo advancing to the right of them pretty quickly, what with them running out right into the open, bright red, bombs a throwin, both screaming bloody murder as their Engie's sentry knocks them to the left. It was quite a sight to see. Anyway, Sniper got the attention of his comrades, pointing at the Leeroy Jenkins-Esque run on the ground below them. One reload of rockets, one dramatic gun rev, and a boost from their Medic's Kritzkreig, and Medic and Demo were sent flying before Demo could even think of setting off his stickies. The stickies themselves were rendered useless, BLU Heavy destroying the one that could cause the most damage, the ones Demo did blow up taking out the 3rd level sentry, a small consolidation proven moot when they saw a smiling Engie with a shotgun loaded with revenge crits.
Everything was going south for our lovely duo, sadly lamenting the death of their beloved plan, "But ey," Demo thought as he narrowly dodged a rocket. "This plan can't get worse!"
Then the Uber ran out. Demo watched as Medic's skin and clothing lost their metallic lustre, his face frozen in worry as it turned from red to light beige. Demo had an epiphany.
"Run."
"Vhat?"
"We can't fight em! Run!"
They ran towards the Cafe, their one chance of shelter, ammunition exploding behind them, in a scene that deserves a slo-mo shot, dramatic music and an Oscar, and multiple other way better scenes being snubbed for that Oscar. Medic just made it up the platform up into the "safety" of the secluded space, with only about 10 health left. He looked at Demo, waiting to help him up.
But Demo couldn't make it.
He was inches away from the platform when a well-aimed rocket threw him off his feet. He scrambled to his feet, looked at Medic, his face filled with simultaneous fear and disappointment. He wasn't going to survive the next few seconds, even with Medic's medigun. He mouthed something to the doctor.
"Hey, Listen. You brought up Heavy, mate."
Then he was shot in the head.
—-
Before all of this was happening, Heavy stood near a helpful dispenser, looking at the choke point in front of him. A BLU Demoknight was currently sparring with Pyro, a Scout close behind him. Heavy himself was healing up, repairing the damage left by a now-dead BLU Heavy. He grabbed Sasha, the closest thing he'll ever get to a girlfriend, not letting the mindfrick of killing what was kinda his own self get to him.
Instead, Heavy was focusing on the chokepoint and how to defend it. The BLU team, as much as he hates to admit it, was putting up a damn good fight. The sound of gunfire was deafening, Sentries were everywhere, Scouts and spies were buzzing around him like flies, everything shifted in and out of focus seemingly at random-
Ok, maybe some of that was alcohol-induced. But still.
The Demoknight was dead now, filled with lead, some 'lovingly donated' by Sasha, some coming from a trusty shotgun, complete with critical hits.
"Thanks for the help, partner!" Engineer smiled as he casually reloaded his gun.
Heavy smiled back, then scared the BLU Scout away with the same smile and another gun rev. "Engineer is welcome."
Where the Demoknight's body lay rushed in a Pyro, throwing their flamethrower around like there was a fly. Heavy only just got Sasha revved back up again before getting grilled. Engie quickly finished what he was doing, aka putting down a sentry, and shot that Pyro point-blank. This, combined with Sasha didn't deter the Forest-Fire-Starter, however. They air blasted Engie into a wall, nearly making him lose balance. Then they moved closer to Heavy, flamethrower still burning, clearly intending to 'finish the job' no matter what.
Luckily, the Pyromaniac's plan got interrupted by a lucky Scout running in and sending Pyro up into a bright and colourful afterlife. Heavy looked at the Bostonian. "Thank you, Scout."
"No problem pal, can't have our second main attraction die right now, can we?" Scout chuckled.
Heavy pulled out his sandvich and began eating it, still looking at Scout. "I give you thanks, don't wear it out."
"Cmon, I saved your life dude."
"How many times has Heavy saved yours?"
"...Whatever." Scout looked out at the lighthouse in front of him. A Sniper was perched on the top, along with a Soldier reloading his weapon. A Heavy and Medic pair were not close behind, talking intensely about something. Scout stared at the two familiar-yet-different mercenaries, thinking.
"Ey, I wonder how Medic an' Demo are doin right now."
The two could only just be seen from the valley, Demo starting to scout out the place, Medic diligently behind him.
"I dunno, seems like they're plannin something from th' looks of it."
"DEMOS GOING TO BLOW THOSE IDIOTS UP INTO SMITHEREENS, BLESS HIS HEART." Soldier jumped into the band of bell tower protectors with the gracefulness of an aeroplane that's out of fuel.
Heavy waved. "Hey Soldier."
"HEY HEAVY," Soldier waved back. "HEY ENGIE, HEY SCOUT. WHAT'S HAPPENING OVER HERE?"
"Just protectin this chokepoint. Very hard work. Very punishing. I saved Heavy's life just then and he didn't even thank me."
"I did thank you."
"So, anyways, What were you doing, Solly?
"GETTING RID OF THESE BLU PRICKS ONE ROCKET AT A TIME, AS PER USUAL. I RECENTLY GOT A WANDERING ENGIE."
"Ah, nice.
"YEAH, HE WAS JUST SITTING THERE, BASTARD DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HIT HIM. I TRIED TO GET RID OF HIS MACHINES BUT HIS SENTRY WAS TOO HARD TO BREAK AND I HAD TO GET OUT OF THERE." Soldier grimaced, not at all too pleased about the "getting out" part. He turned the frown upside down and looked back at Heavy. "SO, HOW'S THE MISSUS?"
Heavy was confused by the question "Heavy is not married."
"YOU'RE GOING TO BE, RIGHT? WITH MEDIC?"
"I have to date Doktor first."
"AH."
Heavy moved to the front of the chokepoint, anticipating something. "Doktor is over there, with Demo. Heavy does not know what they're doing."
Scout chuckled. "Well, I know what Doc's doin. He's lookin at you!"
Heavy looked up, then blushed. So he was. Like Heavy was the most gorgeous/sexy thing in the universe, in fact. He looked back down before they could initiate eye contact.
"Hey, you're right. Seems real invested in you too."
"Wish he wasn't. I would really like to be healed right now."
"Can we please focus on enemy team right now?"
"Okay, okay. Got it, loverboy." Scout rolled his eyes. "He's not even looking at you anymore. Jeez."
Heavy sighed, and gestured to the battlefield. That Scout from earlier was attacking their sentry trying to get another chance. He punched that Scout. His Boolets were too much to waste on him.
But Scout wasn't the only thing of note. Before the team could turn around, a Spy appeared behind them and sapped Engie's Dispenser, while Blu Scout ran away.
Engie pulled his wrench out, ready to punch his eyes with a great "WHAT IN SAM HILL ARE YOU DOIN!". But Spy just stepped back and pulled out his revolver, killing Engie in a matter of seconds.
The team reacted quickly, the Spy being shot full of lead before you could say "I hate the French." But they couldn't even savour that before a smiling Engie rushed into the choke point and started shooting like a hillbilly. He got the sentry first, it blowing up like a tiny balloon full of explosives, then, when the team thought that would be the only damage taken, he shot a final load into Scout, who screamed. "EY, WATCH THE FACE THERE!"
Engie was slightly harder to get rid of than Scout, with a near insistence on staying there until either he died, or the whole group died. And the revenge crits certainly didn't help things. Heavy quickly threw his recently-recharged sandvich at Scout, revved up Sasha and pointed it at the weirdly determined Texan. It sure took care of him, but in rocket-jumped a determined Soldier, narrowly missing Heavy's head, clearly angry from a missed kill and desiring more.
He took out his rocket launcher and started firing in quick succession, Heavy, in particular, getting a rocket sent straight to his gut. Scout and Soldier were able to get a shot on the Patriot, throwing him off for a second, but that didn't leave him completely out for the count. The Heavy/Medic duo from the lighthouse was close behind him, Blu Heavy's Tomislav revved, both mercenaries sharing the same sadistic smile, shooting at Solly before he could react.
The chokepoint was now completely full of BLU babies, all overwhelming the group. Heavy kept shooting around, hoping he could get them out. It was even going well for him for a while, the Blu's Medic right in his sigh-
"Click!" A harsh and familiar sound erupted from Heavy's beloved gun.
Ok.
Ok, small problem, but no matter. This is fine. He pulled out his fists, Eviction Notice in tow, then looked over his shoulder. He possibly could take these cowards down, but he might need a little bit of help…
He looked over his shoulder, waiting to see his Doktor, then froze.
Oh, right.
Doktor wasn't behind him right now.
Heavy turned around, hoping to make up for the distraction when he had something hollow and metal hit his face. He turned to his assailant, who was smirking, with an annoyed frown. It was Blu Scout. (Because of course he was.)
Heavy stepped back, looking at the Blu Bostonian, Sasha in hand. This little baby will be gone quickly, once Sasha revs up.
"Click!" A harsh and familiar sound erupted from Heavy's beloved gun.
Heavy looked at the Scout, his eyes widening, then looked quickly at the battlefield. Red Scout was being hounded on by a shovel, and Soldier was dead, pumped full of bullets. Engie could be seen running towards the chokepoint, but a quick barrage of needles took care of him. Heavy's eye twitched. There was no helping Scout, or getting these babies out of this chokepoint without dying. There was one option here, one he didn't particularly like. His train of thought was momentarily taken over by 3 more bats to the face before he punched the lights out of him.
Maybe if his muscle memory didn't fail him, he could've punched Scout, punched everyone else and maybe have a chance of clearing this enemy wave. But now, he couldn't do that. So he had to do what he could.
Scout was currently reloading his shotgun, and the rest of the team seemed preoccupied. He had a chance.
And with an annoyed sigh, Heavy punched Scout once again and ran away.
—-
Medic looked at the dead Sniper before him. He was shot not so long ago, straight through the head with a sniper rifle. The small gunshots on his upper chest indicated that it took a few tries. Medic smiled, the small thought of getting killed by your own double still having some kind of morbid novelty to it, even after all these years.
He adjusted his glasses, this was no time to think about doubles. As always, there could be people out to kill him!
Medic stood up, pulling out his Übersaw in the process. He could hear footsteps near his position. Sure, he wasn't as much suited for combat as he would like to admit, but he had solace in not being completely weak.
The footsteps were erratic, less a person actively trying to follow Medic and more someone walking around aimlessly. He could hold himself in a fight just fine, Medic thought. He just needed some "protection" most of the time.
He walked closer to the footsteps, hoping that a surprise attack would stop the said person from depleting his already pitiful health. Protection as in someone ready to save him from danger, someone to fret over his injuries, and to smile as he destroys the ones who hurt him.
The footprints were just around the corner. Medic raised his saw up to his chest, still thinking. Someone that made him feel safe. Someone who would listen to what he had to say and add in his own stories. Maybe someone strong, with large muscles, maybe a large stomach, and- Jesus Christ, you're still thinking about him? You're walking across a battlefield one wrong turn away from death right now, Don't prove Demo right, you Schwachsinnige!
He slowly turned the corner, saw at the ready. He knew what he wanted, that person had been on his mind for a month by now. Someone who stood by his side no matter what, who cooked him food when he had been in his lab for too long, who chastised him for working too late, someone who still was amazed whenever he made something.
The person was right in front of him.
Someone like…
Someone like…
"HEAVY!" Medic exclaimed.
"DOKTOR!" Heavy smiled, hugging his 'friend'. He took a step back, putting his hands on his shoulders, now taking a moment to take a good look at you. His voice dropped slightly. "What happened to you?"
"Ohhh no, I'm fine, my dear." Medic was definitely not fine, but he was too lost in the sauce to feel pain."
"Doktor. You're bleeding. Just tell me who did it, I'll bury them."
"Ah, I'll heal. I can practically feel my ribs repairing right now!" Medic laughed, not realising how weird he sounded, then stopped, finally getting a good look at his kuschelbär. "...Vhat happened to you?"
Heavy coughed. He, also, was not fine, but ready to neglect that fact for Doktor. Every part of him was covered in blood, a pretty good chunk of it his own. He had a black eye, a broken nose and his battle vest was practically riddled with shrapnel and bullet holes, some fabric burnt, the skin underneath showing burn marks. Looking closer at his teeth (not that Medic needed any encouragement) showed that some of them were broken, cuts and scars that had healed over now replaced with newer scars needing treatment.
Medic pulled out his medigun, still surveying the damage. It was both extremely attractive and incredibly worrying at the same time.
Heavy breathed in, letting the familiar burning sensation of the medibeam close over his scars. "Doktor, it's fine, you've seen me like this before." He chuckled unconvincingly.
"Ok, true." Medic frowned even more. "But not like zhis."
"You're worse."
"Normally you'll be right, but I'm ze von with a healing factor here." He perked up, remembering something. "Are zhere any health pack in zhis room?"
"No, BLU team must've picked them up."
"Damnit." Medic grimaced. Then he perked back up. "Do you have your sandvich with you?"
"No, threw it to other teammate- Wait." He paused for a second, checking his equipment. Sure enough, a ham sandwich found itself in his bloodied hands. Heavy smiled as he extended it out to Medic. "Here. You take it."
Medic looked at the sandvich in Heavy's giant hands. "Oh, oh I couldn't possibly-"
"Take it."
"But-"
"Heavy is fine with healing beam. Take sandvich. Will make you strong.
"Ok…" Medic held the sandvich in his own hands, smiling. "Oh, mein dear, this is too kind…" He ate it quickly, practically stuffing it in his face, any time for pining he would've done taken over by hunger. "Mhm, hmh… oh zhat was good." He looked back up at his crush. "You're so kind, and yet so menacing at ze same time. You're ze best of both words, zon't you know zhat?"
Heavy blushed, a sight that Medic didn't notice. "Huh. I didn't know."
"Yes. And to think like anyvon can treat you like zhis." Medic frowned.
"Hmm?"
"Zhis! You're covered from head to toe in injuries. Some of zhem ze medigun von't fix!" Medic was near-shouting right now. "Zhis is UNACCEPTABLE! Vhy, zhey should all be killed!" Medic started walking around the room. "Yes. I should kill zhem!"
"Doktor?"
"Yes, yes. I-I'll kill zhem. No-no, we'll kill zhem. We'll kill zhem all, together, mein dear. Zhey'll pay for zhis-zhis…blasphemy," Medic paused to laugh. "Every single von of zhem!" The doctor was practically muttering to himself now, pacing around his beloved bärchen, or as much as he could while keeping the medigun's beam on him.
"Oh, you don't have to do dat, Doktor." He smiled, it was nice knowing after all these years of killing for him, Medic would return the favour. Even if the tone of voice was a major red flag.
"Vhy not? Look at how zhey hurt you! Zhey've killed you hundreds of times before, zhat's just something we have to live with, but zhis?" Medic gestured to the wall where Heavy was once lying. "Throwing you down here like trash, depleting you of your health and ammo and not even giving you ze satisfaction of instant death?" Medic seemed to notice something that Heavy couldn't. "Zhey should feel honored to fight such an amazing man. But instead, zhey disgrace your face and your name." He equipped his Übersaw.
Heavy could've sworn he saw an ammo pack disappear before his eyes. "Doktor, calm down, I've dealt with worse."
"Calm down? Vhy should I?" No longer focusing his attention on Heavy, Medic swirled his saw around in his hand. "If zhey have done vorse zhen clearly they need to pay even more!"
Heavy moved closely behind Medic. "Well then, why does Doktor care so much about this?"
"Vell, I'm your healer, It'z my job."
"But why Heavy specifically?
BAM!
Quick as a flash, Medic reached his hand out, grabbed something, then plunged his saw right into thin air, smiling forcefully. Sure enough, a bright blue flash appeared at the end of his saw, eventually turning into BLU Spy, who was pretty miffed by the fact that he just got stabbed in the stomach. "Don't you see?"
He sliced the saw vertically up the Frenchman's chest. "I."
He pushed the saw, and Spy, into the wall. A few of Spy's ribs broke, then fell on the floor with a soft 'plonk!'. "LOVE."
He took the saw out for a moment, then plunged it right back again, aiming directly underneath Spy's rib cage this time. "YOU."
He pulled the ribcage away from a practically-dead spy, along with the man's heart, skewered on the end of the saw. He looked at the heart, his breathing laboured, then took it off the blade. He then looked at Heavy, wearily.
"I said that out loud, didn't I?
Heavy stared wide-eyed at the carnage, then at the doctor who made it and nodded slowly.
"Shit." Medic sighed, putting his hand on his forehead. "ShitshitshitshitShit Mutter Fickt, Gott verdammt, Stück Scheiße!" He kicked the floor repeatedly as he spoke, slowly raising his head up, the end of the sentence practically shouted at the heavens. This was not what he wanted his confession to go.
He then paused, took a deep breath, prepared for damage control, then looked at Heavy.
…Wait.
His expression was weird.
He seemed shocked, probably stunned, sure, but it wasn't "disgust" shock or "unexpected surprise" shock or any sort of shock Medic was expecting. His mouth was set in a neutral oval shape, nothing special for the man, but something in how he looked at him, with wide eyes and dilated pupils, was more… pleasant than expected. What was in that gaze, Vacancy? Surprise? Astonishment?
…Relief?
…Admiration?
Dear God, from this angle you could almost think it was love... Imagine that.
…
He's smiling now.
…Is it love?
Medic, testing that current hypothesis, hid his nervousness with a sharp cough. He moved slowly towards Heavy, returning the other's gaze.
"Vell, I can't go back now."
He grabbed both of the smitten strongman's hands, raising them up to chest level. "Heav- wait, no, not zhat… Misha," Medic moved his hands closer to his chest, entwining his fingers with Mikhail's, now smiling. "Has anyone told you just how gorgeous you are?".
"Uh, nyet?" Mikhail stammered. "Не то, что я могу вспомнить…"
"Vas zhat a no? I'll take zhat as a no." His smile widened. "Guess I'll make up for lost time." He moved even closer to Mikhail, pushing the Siberian up against the wall, lowering his chin down so he could match his gaze. "For all zhese years I've alvays know zhere vas something special about zhis job zhat always cheered me up, zhat kept me going, zhat stopped me from sewing Scout's head onto mein door. I never knew what zhat something vas, it wasn't ze fighting, or ze equipment, ze company, not anything." He chuckled. "And what a surprise it vas to know zhat it vas you!" His chuckle upgraded into a laugh as he wrapped a hand around Mikhail's side. "You.. oh you… I can't stop thinking about you, I can't eat, I can't sleep, every single thing I see reminds me of you. I've spent days thinking of nothing but your laugh." He moved back, realising how close he was, opting to grab at Mikhail's shirt collar instead. "Be mine. Please be mine, mein liëbe. It practically aches not to be in your arms. You were able to make a man like me unable to do anyzhing but swoon by just existing, imagine how powerful we could be together!" He placed one hand on Mikhail's face. "Join me," he whispered, "and we could be more powerful zhan God."
Medic stared into Mikhail's eyes, smiling patiently, waiting for his response. Mikhail was staring right back, with a vacant expression, Medic unable to fish out any response from it. Medic's smile wavered. What was Mikhail thinking? The Russian's head moved forward, still carrying the same expression. Medic smiled even harder, trying to take any doubt out of his face, his mind full to the brim with scenarios. Was that a frown just then? Was he wrong? Was Misha about to reject him? Was he going to let him down gently, with kind but awkward words? Or would he shout, scream at Medic, chastise him for thinking such a foolish and unprofessional thing like him loving Medic back? Would he let him be his friend again? Could they be friends after this? Misha wouldn't cut him out of his life because of this wait would he what what is he doing now he's leaning in more please god be mercif-
"Smootch!" A chaste kiss was planted on Medic's forehead. Misha smiled, putting his hand on his Doktor's neck. He had been both so enamoured by Doktor's declaration that he forgot the entirety of the English language, only vaguely comprehending what his beloved was saying. "Well, Ludwig," He twirled Medic's hair around his fingers. "If we are now 'better than God,' then I promise to destroy planets in your honor."
Medic was frozen in place, smiling like a loon. "You like me back?"
Misha's smile grew wilder. "Da! Of course!"
Ludwig giggled "You like me! Mein gott, you like me!". His smile turned into a smirk. "I mean, of course you like me how could you no-"
Another kiss landed on Ludwig's nose, calming the man down into near catatonia. "Calm down, Doktor, Misha is just glad you said how you felt out loud."
Ludwig looked at his now-lover. "Vait, 'out loud'?"
"Uh-"
"You knew?" Ludwig's eyes widened in fear.
"Listen, Lu-"
"How did you."
"Is not important!"
"..."
"Really?"
"Yes."
"..."
"Zhat trip to ze zoo vas a date, vasn't it?"
Misha's smile returned. "Well, yes."
A final giggle escaped from Ludwig as he leaned closer, his nose touching Misha's. "Heh. I knew it."
The two men looked into the other's eyes, their face's so close to each other that they could feel the other's breath on their cheeks. Misha looked down at his Doktor's mouth, moving even closer to him.
"Ok, last question. Do you want to kiss me right now?"
"Yes, very much."
"Vell, zon't let me stop you-"
Misha's mouth leaned closer, as did Ludwig's. The bridge between them was getting closer by the second. Nearly…
Nearly there…..
Almost touching…..
Cmon…
"BANG!" "OH-Woah, what happenin in 'ere!"
Goddammit.
Heavy and Medic looked at the interrupter, a Blu Scout who clearly did not anticipate two of his enemies about to snog. "You guys really couldn't keep it in ya pants much longer, could ya?" He chuckled. "Wait, didn't I kill one of ya-"
Medic sighed and looked to Heavy. "Mein bär, how much ammo do you have?"
Heavy stalled. "None. Used it all."
"Ah. Well zhen." Medic pulled out his crossbow, pointing it at the Scout. "Let us dance."
AN: HAH
AHAHHAAH
I GOT YOU GUYS GOOD
AHDJASIUAFFGELOFISHRGIMVERYEVIL
YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT FOR THAT GODDAMN KISS TRUST ME.
DON'T WORRY YOU'LL GO THROUGH THE MOST HOMOEROTIC BATTLE SEQUENCE I COULD POSSIBLY MUSTER.
SO YEAH HOLD ON GAMERS YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO HOLD ON A MOMENT LONGER
ALSO shout out to james or bugsarecool on tumblr for beta reading this as always love ya bro
