AN: Hey guys, finally got this one out! don't you hate it when you're watching an action movie and all the stuff you came for, that being violence, keeps getting interrupted by a shitty romance subplot? Well, get ready to experience the opposite! Have your weird rom-com hijacked by a massive battle scene! No need to thank me.

As always, thank you to James, or bugsarecool on Tumblr for beta reading this for me!

Pyro looked across the battlefield. What seemed like a millennium of pushing back evil blue smoke-people had eaten through their health and ammo and the BLU team were advancing quickly, their Demo and Heavy pointing their arsenal at the two, having already taken the point. The masked mercenary gulped, or gulped as best as her mask would allow. They weren't here to make friends.

Spy appeared behind him, smoking a cigarette. "Have any idea to get rid of zhem?"

Pyro turned around and shrugged stiffly. "Mmmmphmmmm."

"Great, great. Amazing, even." Spy frowned. The BLU'S were coming closer. Not even his years of practice could hide his dread. "Pauling iz going to be so happy with us."

Pyro pointed at Spy, both confused and annoyed. "Mmmh?"

"My Revolver's out of ammo. And zhat vas ze last of my cloak." He pointed to the incoming siege surrounding them. "Besides, zhey know I'm here too. I can't do anything."

Pyro stomped the ground as he walked back. "Mmmmmmhm."

"Watch ze language."

"Hhmph." Pyro readied their flamethrower, ready to go out in a blaze (heh) of glory.

"Ah. Good way to go. I wish you best of luck in your kamikaze attack." Spy straightened his tie, staring at his attackers, now only two metres away, right in the eye. "I'll see you in Respawn."

.

..

*ShiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiCHUNK* A rolling door opened up to the right of the attackers, the group quickly turning towards the noise. Two men appeared, standing side-to-side, the smaller one's left arm draped over the larger man, a crossbow in the other hand, the larger man's gun already revved up. The couple smiled, tilting their heads towards each other.

*rrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRRATATATTATATATATATATAT*

None of them stood a chance.

Medic's face turned to the two mercenaries in front of the assorted corpses, his smile growing softer as he turned his healing gun towards them. "Ah! Herr Spy! Herr Pyro! How nice it iz to see you!"

"Hmmm!" Pyro jumped up and down, clapping. "Mmph! Mmph! MhmhmmHmm!"

"Hello Pyro." Heavy smiled.

"Ah, Heavy, Doktor." Spy sighed in relief. "Zhank you. Ve would 'ave been toast if you didn't come here zhen." He then perked up, remembering something. He looked at them, confused. "Has somezhing…" He pointed two fingers out, switching between Heavy and Medic rapidly. "-happen between you two?"

Medic blinked rapidly. "Ah, well uh, you could say ve had a little ah," He looked at Heavy, then back at Spy. "-how you say, uh rendezvous down in ze cafe." He coughed and turned to Spy one last time. "We're dating now." He said in a monotone, staring at Spy and Pyro, equipping his Übersaw.

"No shit. I saw your room. Your preferences are safe with me, Doc."

"Ah! Good! Von't need zhis now." Medic unequipped his weapon, smiled then looked momentarily at the two openings of the clearing. "So, vhat's ze situation? What are zhose BLU arschlochs doing now?"

"If you really need to know, most of zhem are probably skittering around our own lighthouse."

"Hmm."

"But I vould be careful around zhere though, a Sniper may have slipped past us."

"Ah." Medic nodded, Heavy copying him absentmindedly. "Vhat about on zheir side?"

"I believe zhat place is riddled with zhem. And sentries."

"Ah."

"Hey Doktor," Heavy gently nudged his now-lover. "Maybe we should go to team's lighthouse and get rest of team before destroying sentries?"

Medic smiled. "Vhy, zhat sounds like a great idea, mein bär!"

"Agreed. Even with Doc's bias. Less enemies, ve'll get more firepower and ve'll have ze element of surprise."

"...Bias?"

"Ignore zhat. But zhere iz a small problem." Spy turned to Heavy. "How much ammo do you have?"

"Not much. Used near all with Babies just then."

"Could you possibly take the brunt of the BLU team for us in your state?"

"Well, right now," He looked at Medic. "I'll take anything on. Would need ammo though."

"If you'll look at somezhing other zhan Doktor for a change, maybe ze ammo boxes around you can help. Pyro, grab some as well, we might need you to stay back."

"Mmm Hmm!"

"Zhen It's settled. Pyro, alert us if they give you trouble. You von't be long, don't vorry." Spy turned his head. "Heavy. Medic. Let's get moving." Spy gestured to the chokepoint leading to the RED lighthouse. "You wouldn't vant your first battle together to be a lost one, vould you?"

"Oh! Yeah, ve'll be right zhere-"

A gloved hand tapped Medic's shoulder. "Mmmmmm, Hmm?"

"Oh, vhat iz it, Pyro?"

Pyro pointed to the still-red point on the belltower. "Mhmmm."

Medic's eyebrows went up. "Oh. Ve should probably get zhat first.

—-

The lighthouse was just about as chaotic as the three mercs thought it would be. A just-respawned Demoman was bombing a Level-1 Sentry, Engie desperately whacking said sentry with a wrench. Behind him and gaining momentum was Scout, ready to get said Demo away. He jumped, catching the Demo off guard-

And then he landed directly on a loose pipe that Demo just-so-happened to be firing.

RED's own Demo was just near the lighthouses' steps, fighting off an angry Pyro. A Soldier noticed the trio near the chokepoint, and as-so a raging American was seen 8 meters feet up in the air. Heavy was prepared, Sasha already revved up and ready, spraying boolets at the patriot before he could touch the ground.

"God, I wish I vas zhat gun."

"Doktor, what did you say?"

"Nothing!" Medic looked at the ground, adjusting his glasses. "Spy. Could you please take care of ze Demoman up zhere? Mish-Heavy and I vill take care of ze Pyro."

"Sounds good." Spy nodded. "Be careful. More enemies might be just around ze corner." Spy then slithered away with his newly-regenerated cloak.

"Ok, Got… zhat." He walked forward, turning to Heavy, smiling. "Hmm. And we're back to two."

Heavy moved to Medic's side, placing a hand on his shoulder. "So we are."

Medic pointed towards BLU Pyro. "Keep Sasha revved, now, Dear. They just saw us."

"Will do."

Medic was right with his assumption of Pyro seeing them, but the mask-wearing mute got acquaintanced with a couple of medical needles to the face before they could meet Sasha. That Pyro wasn't going to go down that easily, however. While a near-out-of-ammo RED Demo ran away from danger, BLU Pyro turned his flare gun around to the couple menacingly, aiming at Medic specifically.

Heavy looked at the Agender Arsonist, scowling. He moved in front of Medic, taking a fiery hit to the chest, then pointed Sasha at them. Pyro moved around quickly, avoiding most of the boolets.

Heavy concentrated harder, tanking another flair. Yeah, that vodka was a really bad idea.

Luckily, Heavy was just able to connect the stream of bullets to his fiery assailant just as another flare accidentally hit Medic. As Pyro lay flat on the ground, full of lead, a dead Demoman, an alive Engie and a talking Spy 5 meters away from him, Heavy turned to his boyfriend.

"Is Doktor ok?"

Medic, though a bit toasty, was fine and was now quickly healing up Demo. "Don't worry, mein kushelbär. I'm fine. Just making some amends." He turned to the bomber. "I deeply apologise about vhat happened a few uh minutes ago. I… vasn't thinking straight."

Demo smiled. "Don't worry about it, mate. Looks like ya figured it out on your own." He turned to Heavy, giving a secret thumbs-up. Heavy slowly returned the gesture.

"Oh, zhank you so much!" Medic chuckled. "In fact, could I ask a favour of you?"

"Oh, uh sure, Doc."

"Could you go back down towards ze bell tower and defend ze point zhere?"

Demo paused. "Yeah, but there's still BLU arseholes to kill. Wouldn't ya need some firepower here to get rid of em?"

'Vell, you see, uh-"

Heavy leaned over to their conversation, gently tapping Medic on the shoulder. "BLU's will eventually learn Middle point is taken and attack there. Pyro is only one defending point. Demoman should help Pyro out. Don't worry, Doktor and I will take care of babies here."

"Yeah, zhat. Zhank you."

"Is fine."

Demo looked down, thinking, and then looked at the couple. "Eh, sounds good. I'll reload then see Pyro there. What happens after you get rid of the BLU's?"

"Zhen ve'll join you, zhen attack zheir base. Simple."

"Aye. Guess I'll see you there."

"We'll see you soon too."

"Great." Demo walked over towards the chokepoint. "Watch yer back for th' Sniper ovar there. Goodbye!"

"Goodbye!"

.

..

"Vait, vha-"

Medic found his neck thrown back just as a sniper round whooshed right where his head was. He turned around to find the rolling doors snapping close just in front of him as Heavy pulled him into the base.

"Doktor is safe here. Won't be able to fight Sniper by ourselves. Kill other cowards first."

"Ah. You have a point."

The two mercenaries walked through the warehouse, looking around for any more possible enemies, the only person they found so far being Scout, who got a sly eye and a throat-slitting gesture from Medic.

Just out of the corner of Heavy's eye, a small patch of bright whitish-blue cloth, possibly from a lab coat, went into a corner. Heavy turned around.

"Doktor."

"Yes?"

"Did you see dat?"

"See vhat?"

Heavy pointed to the corner where the lab coat was seen. "BLU Doktor over there. He's behind corner."

"Oh. Ready to kill him?"

"Yes."

"Well, vhat are you waiting for?"

The two carefully walked to the mysterious corner and turned it. Heavy was right, BLU Medic was there, but they found something else.

*WHOOSH* An angry BLU Soldier, in fact, somehow.

A rocket blazed through the room, rocketing towards Heavy. He moved quickly out of the way, but another rocket quickly followed the first one, missing by centimetres. The third one was right on target and coming fast, the only thing Heavy could think of doing was to close his eyes and walk back.

But Medic had other ideas. Quick as a flash, he stuck his foot out, tripped Heavy and, with some effort, was able to catch him in his arms, a move that Heavy will think of for weeks afterwards.

"Oh, -" He smiled mockingly. "-whoops."

Soldier looked at the two, reloading his rocket launcher. "ALLLLLLRIGHT, WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?"

BLU Medic smiled. "Well, Solly, it looks like two little lovebirds. Reload quickly now, we can't miss zhis chance."

Medic frowned, then pointed his crossbow at them. "Oh, don't think we'll go down zhat easily, my friend."

"Zon't get cocky now." BLU Medic pulled his own crossbow, as Soldier positioned his rocket launcher. "All ve'll need iz one 'stone', as ze English say."

RED Medic threw Heavy back up on his feet. "Zhat's going to be one hard stone to throw." He then took a step forward, grabbed his Ubërsaw and tackled Soldier, narrowly missing a rocket and burrowing the saw as far as it could go into him. BLU Medic reacted quickly, shooting RED Medic between the eyes. RED Medic, whilst pushing a very angry Soldier down on the ground, sucker-punched him, then turned around.

"Hone-Heavy, a littleOW-" He tanked a hit from a shovel. "-help here, liebling?"

Heavy, still processing the past few moments, walked forward and lay on his knees, extending his hands onto Soldier's neck, his eyes locked on RED Medic.

"HEY, WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA, PAL? DO YOU REALLY THINK YOUR DIRTY COMMUNIST HANDS COULD HURT M-"

*Sssnap!*

Heavy snapped the Patriot's neck, without a change of expression, still looking at Medic. "Sorry Doktor. Got distracted." He smiled slightly. "Want me to take care of other Doktor for you?"

Medic took his Übersaw out of BLU Soldier's stomach and grabbed BLU Medic's neck. "Oh, don't worry, dear. I have zhis all under control." He then pushed BLU Medic down, covering his mouth, smiled, and with a slight tilt of the head, drove the saw right up the top of his neck, the doppelganger dying mid muffle.

"And zhat's zhe end of zhat." Medic smiled.

"Huh. that was… gorgeous." A smile crossed Heavy's face, and then he shook his head, breaking out of his trance. "Is Doktor ok?"

"Again, dear, I'm fine. Most of my blood's gone south, anyvays." He chuckled as he got up. "Besides, ve have a job to do. Ve need to know vhere zhese arschlocks are coming from after all!"

"Uh, where they come from?"

"Well, uh obviously we've kill ze Demoman and ze Soldier before. And yet, somehow zhey're back here, ready to bomb us into oblivion. Seems kind of weird, zon't you think?"

"Oh, yes, of course." Heavy's gaze moved from his Doktor to something behind him. His smile dropped.

"Doktor."

"Ja?"

"Get behind me."

"Vhat?"

Heavy squinted at the doorway in front of him. A teleporter was there, as well as a confused Scout, a nonchalant Engie and Heavy's very angry doppelganger. Behind them, Heavy could see a few of his teammates trying to fight them. "Didn't you hear me?"

He pushed Medic back with as much force as he could without hurting him. "GET."

He revved up Sasha. "BEHIND ME,-"

He shot through the doorway, getting the Scout and Heavy before they could react. "DOKTOR!"

They didn't have a chance, Scout couldn't even get his weapon out. BLU Heavy was prepared and was able to shoot RED Heavy while protecting their Engie, but that only chipped some health off him as BLU Heavy tumbled down to the floor, dead. BLU Engie however, didn't even flinch, instead, he just stood in front of Sasha, giving a thumbs up.

—-

After getting Engie out of the way, the only remaining BLU around one sole Pyro was patrolling around their Spawn, killing anyone who went out of it. Well, they were, before getting pumped full of lead.

When that was out of the way, Heavy and Medic walked out of their spawn and back to the bell tower, Soldier, Sniper, and, in a concerning twist, Engie, in tow.

"Damn spies, always sneaking up on me." He giggled, as he walked past the new couple. "Everything's fine. Jest had a minor setback." Heavy and Medic smiled. They had to agree. Spies were annoying as hell.

The first one to greet the rest of the team was Pyro, waving to them before giving a quick hug to Engie. The rest were all either laser-focused on fighting BLUs or gave passing nods and small hand waves towards them. Demo looked straight into Heavy and Medic's eyes, giving a nod and a thumbs up. The two returned the gesture with a nod and a small wave, and then the three gazed at the empty-for-now checkpoint, brandishing their weapons. The real festivities have begun.

The first event was to get rid of the level 3 sentry smack dab in the front of the entrance. Demo has already put in some good work trying to get it down, but he needed a little bit of help.

Maybe from a certain German Doctor.

That just so happens to be clutching your arm right now, Heavy.

"Come on, let me take yer husband around for a few minutes, I'll bring him back completely fine, trust me."

Heavy sighed. "Usually Demoman is right, and this is very selfish, but Heavy wants to spend more time with Doktor."

"Really, ya wanted ta spend more time with him?"

"Doktor has been avoiding me for past month! I just got him back, is not big request."

Demo sighed. "Medic?"

"Nein. Not moving from Heavy's side."

Demo turned to Heavy. "You can come around if ya want."

"That.. could work."

"Aye, thats good." Demo paused. "Can I get Über, then?"

The three walked out to where Medic and Demo screwed up all those minutes ago. There weren't as many BLUs as before, but the second Engie was back, upgrading a different sentry to level 2. Maybe, with some extra firepower, they'll be able to get them all.

After descending down the steps, Demo, Medic and Heavy were first greeted by both sentries firing lead into them. Medic pulled Über on Demo while an overhealed Heavy followed behind. Demo pointed his grenade launcher to the second-level sentry, Heavy doing the same with Sasha. It exploded, as per usual.

The third-level sentry was a bit further along with a BLU Engineer, waving the exact same way he did when he was gunned down. It was almost creepy, in a way. To make things a bit harder, a Scout and a Sniper emerged from the base.

Demo moved up towards the sentry, taking most of its bullets. Heavy aimed at Sniper, who was luckily close enough to deal with without a big potential of bullet through head. Medic stayed to the right of Heavy, protecting him in a way until the Über ran out.

When that happened, Medic was pushed behind Heavy as Scout tried to shoot him in the face. The sentry was destroyed quickly after, but Heavy couldn't aim just enough to get rid of Scout.

"Ey, nice boyfriend there, Deutchbag!" BLU Scout shouted. "Let's see if he can live to your wedding day."

Scout shot again, still narrowly dodging Heavy's line of sight. He fired again, getting closer to the large bear, side-stepping Demo's pipe bombs. Scout was half a metre away from Heavy now, with no possible way for Heavy to survive the next shot.

Quick as a flash, Medic stabbed him in the arm. Everybody knows that it's hard to shoot someone when you have a saw in your arm.

Medic stabbed Scout again, in the chest this time. "Zhank you for your sacrifice, Herr Scout. Ve needed a wedding ring." He then held Scout's face in his hands, turned him around, and presented it to Heavy. "Vant to do ze honours, dear?"

"It will be honour." Heavy smiled and swiftly gave Scout an uppercut, his body falling right to the side of Demoman.

But there was still a Pyro to deal with. Demoman drew his axe, moving up near the lighthouse, and swung it at the masked bastard, hitting them straight on the head. Demo then copped a good amount of fire in his face right before finishing off the Pyro with another great *WHACK!*

"OOOOOKAYY, they're done, anyone else wanna piece of us?"

"Zhere's a Soldier over zhere that looks pretty angry!"

Sure enough, BLU Soldier was back, rocketing into the fray. He missed Medic narrowly, Heavy punching him in retaliation. Solly was not to be defeated just yet, however, and Heavy was hit back by a shovel. He took yet another hit, his health now in the double digits, before finally getting to punch Solly right in the gut, sending him flying.

Medic reflexively started to heal Heavy but knew that Demo still had to be healed as well. He sighed. "Heavy, do you have your sandwich?"

"Da."

"Go up into ze lighthouse and eat zhat. Demo and I vill cover for you.

Demo's eye narrowed. "Doc, do you really think you can save Heavy from an impending barrage of enemies with only your crossbow?"

"Vell, yes… maybe… I might need you to block some… no."

"That's what I thought."

"Just heal Demoman. Is fine."

"Ahhhh, ok. I just vanted to show off, god."

Heavy did as he was asked, and went higher up in the belltower to heal up. Medic and Demo stood near one of the openings, eyeing another Heavy coming up towards them. Demo threw a couple of pipe bombs and stickies in his vicinity, but most of them missed, with BLU Heavy tanking the rest.

BLU Heavy revved his minigun, the tip of it pointing directly at Demoman and Medic. He fired, Demoman taking the brunt of the bullets before both ran right into the lighthouse indoors.

RED Heavy, who just finished his sandvich, was surprised. "What is happening?"

Demo sighed. "Other Heavy. Nearly kicked our arses."

"Oh no."

"And 'e's coming for us right now."

"Oh No."

Medic moaned. "Anyvon's got any great ideas?"

"You've got Über?"

"Nein. I'm close though."

"How close?"

"10% away"

"Great. "

"Does Demo have stickies?"

"Nope. Used em all gettin those sentries."

"..."

"Heavy could block him off, if you want."

"Really?"

"Da."

"Vill you be able to block him for long?"

Heavy looked at his doppelganger, and the massive, very-familiar gun currently revved in his hands. He revved his own, just in case. "No. Also there is more bad guys. There is Pyro, to be exact."

"...GREAT." Both Medic and Demo said.

BLU Heavy was nearly at the door now, the other entrance promising nothing but either a few more seconds of life or getting scorched by the Pyro coming out of the base. Healing Heavy while he protects him and Demo would be a good idea but would his kuschelbär stay alive long enough? Would he be able to charge him in time? And would he have to let Demo fend for himself? The control point he was standing near changed from blue to red, announcing that the three have won the point. But was that a hollow victory?

Medic sighed. He could see BLU Heavy's Tomislav peeking from outside the doorway. He wasn't looking forward to the next few seconds.

BLU Heavy was milliseconds away from pushing the trigger when a very sharp and very familiar voice sounded out through the air.

"Ey, Bud!"

Footsteps trampled up the lighthouse's ramp, distracting the BLU Soviet before shooting him in the face. BLU Heavy growled, and tried to punch the Bostonian in the face, but then Medic's Über finally charged up and, the next thing he knew, he was being punched by a very familiar Russian.

Scout smiled and took a potshot at the BLU Pyro. "Hey, did you guys really forget about the rest of us?"

Heavy wasn't listening. He was too busy taking down cowardly babies.

"Ack, yea, we probably should've gotten reinforcements. Sorry, Scout."

"Yea, yea, leave your grovelling for after the battle. We have shit ta do." He pointed his gun at the base's gates. "You guys did a good job at batting em off, but," he pointed at Medic. "Don't expect tha power of love ta shield you forever."

"Herr Scout, vhat are you implying?"

"Nothin, trust me."

"Yah, sure."

Heavy walked up near Demo and Scout, the Pyro now complete and utterly dead. "So, is rest of team coming?"

"Yup, arriving thick and fast to our destination. Wanna lead the charge with ya boyfriend?"

Heavy's eyes widened. "Team will let me do dat?"

"Of course. It's what we planned, right?"

"Well, yes, but I thought we abandoned plan."

Medic looked at the two. "Vait, you planned somezhing? Without me?"

Heavy stalled. "...uh, Da."

"Ah, What did you plan?"

"We will talk about dat later."

"Alright. Alright. I can understand zhat. In fact, it explains a lot." He waved his hand absentmindedly. "Carry on."

"No, no, Doc, stay." Scout piped up. "We're letting you guys have first dibs on beatin' the BLU's."

"Oh. Ohhhhhh. Zhank you."

"Just don't be gross or whatever."

"No promises."

—-

When everyone else came to the front of the BLU base, a quick and very vague plan on how to defeat the BLUs was formed. Basically, Engineer will stay behind to defend the point and provide both support and teleportation, while everyone else stormed the base, Scout and spy sneaking in first, Heavy, Medic and Sniper coming in through the warehouse, and Pyro, Soldier and Demo coming in from underground, everyone meeting up near the point. Demo and Spy will get rid of any sentries (with help), Sniper will stay near the entrance to the point to, well, snipe, and Pyro will try to spy check.

"Ok, does anyone have question?"

"I do." Medic went closer to his bär, softening his voice to a whisper. "I just realised zhat I haven't given a full test of both sets of our *Ahem* "Equipment" in a vhile, should we test zhem out tonight?"

"…"

"Keep dat for later, Doktor."

The team didn't really have much objection to this plan (besides Medic's… comment), and all got into formation and went into the depths.

Pyro, Soldier and Demo had some Spy trouble, said Spy masking as Soldier and nearly taking out their own before anyone noticed. Luckily that Spy was quickly turned into Paris-Fried-Chicken, but if Soldier didn't turn around at the right moment, Well…

No matter. Pyro and Demo may have gotten some lead to their head/helmet, but nothing except some ammo was lost.

The rest also had a few hitches. While trekking through the familiar wooden maze of the BLU base, Scout and Sniper found out that BLU Engineer had put down a three-level sentry near the base opening, while Spy, Heavy and Medic had to deal with an angry Heavy, Medic and Pyro trio.

Scout and Sniper ran back to the entrance, if only to meet up with the others, all out of breath and lightly toasted.

"Ey, tough guy, what'cha runnin from?"

Heavy took a deep breath in. "Pyro, Other me and Other Doktor took us by surprise. Took lot of health. Coming quickly." He took a deep breath out and revved up Sasha. "Why is Scout here?"

"Ah." Scout scratched his head. "Well there seems ta be a sentry nest on the other side. Can't get through dat easily. Sniper can't either."

"Mh-hm."

"Vell, we could disable ze sentries if you help us take care of zhese imbeciles." Spy muttered.

"Alright, sounds good. Jest point us at them and we'l-OH SHIT THEY'RE HERE."

Just as Scout said, the Pyro, Heavy and Medic trio had arrived at their doorstep, spewing fire, lead, and healing beams (BLU team only). Heavy shot straight at them as soon as they turned the corner, covering Medic, Sniper and Spy. But he needed help. Quick as a flash, Scout joined him, both of them being able to fight back against the trio. Sniper even got to help, getting a headshot in on their Pyro. Eventually, the team were able to beat away the doppelgangers, their health lower than their dwindling ammo count.

Medic sighed. "Ok, ok. Let us go to zhat sentry now."

—-

The sentry's destruction was started off by a flying needle, shot by an eager Medic who wanted to join in. A sapper followed, put on by a Spy who finally got their cloak recharged. The sapper then led the way for the classic barrage of lead you would expect, the sentry going down faster than a canary at the scene of a gas leak. Sniper snuck around the corner and pulled his rifle out, shooting someone in the distance.

"Bugger. Missed his 'ead."

"Missed who's head?" Scout questioned.

"Jest some Engineer who's coming for us with his shotgun." Sniper fired again. "Got 'im." He walked out nearer to the entrance. "Okay, everyone's ready to go?"

"Yep."

"Ja."

"Da."

"Mh-hm"

Sniper nodded. "Allllright. Let's get these bastards."

—-

Spy slipped into his cloak and skittered towards his opponents while Sniper set up a good perch and Heavy, Medic and Scout snuck near the middle of the room, already shooting at their foes. Demo, Soldier and Pyro came out of the tunnels to join them.

"Ey, what took you so long?"

"Mhh-mhhhmph Hmm Mhmmm."

"Soldier got lost halfway."

"I SWEAR THOSE BASTARDS MUST BE REBUILDING THOSE CORRIDORS EVERY SINGLE DAY, I JUST KNOW IT. IT'S LIKE A GODDAMN LABYRINTH DOWN THERE."

"Soldier."

"WHAT."

"They aren't rebuilding the tunnels every single day, you just can't read."

"SHUT UP."

All of the BLUs currently out in the open have now noticed the infiltrators in their base and were reacting to it mostly with weapons. And they weren't screwing around either, some examples being Scout and Heavy accidentally running into a horde of sticky bombs they couldn't see, Spy being discovered and immediately killed, Demoman getting headshot and Medic being blown up by some rockets. The RED team weren't going to be unmatched, however, slowly getting through the hordes of enemies, acting so unphased that Medic even decided to ask Heavy a question…

"So, basically, for all these years, you had a crush on me?

Heavy, currently unloading round after round into an enemy soldier, turned his head towards Medic. "I liked you for years, Doktor. Was not really crush." Heavy may have only just learned what a crush was, but he was damn sure he was not going to be told he had one.

"Eh, Liked, crush, same zhing." Medic smiled like a Cheshire cat, taking a slight break from healing to deal with a certain Scout. "Mein Gott, I can barely imagine it." His mocking smile turned into a mocking giggle. "Mikhail goddamn Oruzheynyy paren' had a crrrush on somevon. And he had it for years, might I add!" The giggle turned into a straight-out laugh. "It's so schupid! Ahahahahaha!"

Heavy stifled a laugh. His Doktor's laugh was infectious, he couldn't help it. "Is not funny." He said, trying not to smile.

"Ah, but it is!"

"Hnghh," Heavy punched the living daylights out of an advancing Spy. "Like you can talk."

Eventually, the REDs got to cave into a small area near the bottom of the room just for them. There, Heavy stared closely around the base, specifically at the BLUs circling around it. They were numerous, and certainly not weak, but if he could find a weak spot, he could ambush them, weaken their defences and, possibly get the point.

He looked over to his left, where both a Pyro, an Engineer and a sentry stood, all eyes staring at him. Engie had his wrangler out. Nope.

He looked over to his right, where a Sniper was perched right across the map, only just then positioning his gun. Maybe, but actually, no.

He looked a bit to the right, not as much as last time. A small group of BLUs were positioned there defending the point, consisting of a Soldier, a Heavy, and a Scout, all focusing on the others, completely unaware of him. He smiled, picking up Sasha.

Bingo.

He rubbed Medic on the shoulder, partly to drive his attention and partly as a sign of affection.

"Mikhail, vhat is it?"

"Do you have Über?"

"Uh yes, vhat do you vant it for?"

"Look over there, Is weak point in defences."

"Hm. Good observation, dear. Are you ready to ambush zhem?"

"With Doktor by my side, I'm always ready."

Medic giggled. "Aw, Stop zhat, you're making me blush!"

"Good."

The two rushed down to the left of the group, hugging the wall, Heavy being careful to rev only when the group couldn't get out of range otherwise. Luckily the small group was none-the-wiser than the two boyfriends, their Soldier only noticing when Heavy was mere metres away from him.

"MEN! THERE'S A GODDAMN HEAVY OVER-"

"DOKTOR! CHARGE ME!"

Sure enough, Medic übercharged Heavy, the metallic Russian spitting fire at the group. They didn't stand a chance. Soon everyone was down and full of boolet, Heavy kicking away the corpses as he aimed toward the rest of the BLUs.

*BLAM!*Their Medic was shot down before he had a chance to run!

*Ka-PEW!* Their Demo was next, the only thing he could do as a defence was throwing one pipe bomb that bounced right off them.

*Ka-POW!* And to top it all off, their Pyro tried to hit them with an axe, but they got to them too soon and got rewarded with an uppercut!

Then, The Über finally fizzled out, and both of them looked at each other, smiling. Medic pulled out his crossbow. The two then went back to back, spinning around in a circle, Heavy ramming down remaining enemies as Medic healed his teammates, slowly advancing towards the point. Bad guys were falling down left and right, all their comrades slowly following them.

They kept spinning like this as if they were murderous ballet dancers until their shoes caught metal. They looked down at the control point beneath them, then looked up at their friends, either working their way to the point of defending the point from far away. Scout was pushing back an enemy Demo. Their Demo was blowing up a sticky trap taking away their Engineer. Pyro was taking care of a Spy, and Soldier was reloading after killing a Medic and his pocket. In the background the two could see Spy stabbing a Medic in the back, Sniper killing from afar, and Engineer's new sentry nest shooting down what it could.

They looked at each other, smiling. Medic chuckled, his laugh breaking through the gunshots. "Hey, ve did it."

"We did, Doktor, we really did." He put down Sasha and put his hands on Medic's shoulders, just as he had planned. He took a deep breath in. "Doktor, as your best friend and boyfriend, I say that I dedicate this win to you."

"Vhat? To me?

"Da. We won battle for your honor."

"Aww. Zhat's really cheesy."

Heavy turned outwards across the room. "I know. But it feels right."

The point was nearly captured, the whole battle and all the team's hard work leading up to this moment. But Medic had other plans.

Meer milliseconds before the point was going to be won, Medic swooped his hand up to Heavy's cheek and turned his head towards his. He touched his nose, whispering a quick "I dedicate zhis one to you!".

And just as the victory explosives were being blown up, Medic kissed him right on the lips, and everything slowed down.

Heavy took a while to realise what was going on and kiss back. It was a weird sensation, that kiss, and it was not exactly something you'll find in Hollywood, both men (Heavy especially) not having kissed someone in a while. It was a bit sloppy, Medic's technique too aggressive, and Heavy's mouth too dry. But the two didn't care. They have gotten what they have wanted, and besides, there will be time for practice later.

They finally stopped after both lost their breath, after what seemed like an eternity. Medic breathed in, then looked back and forth, his gaze meeting Pyro, Demo and Soldier rooting for them like a bunch of cowboys, Scout looking like he was going to puke, and their two doubles staring at them blankly.

"Ah, figure out what zhat means for you on your own."

He finally turned his gaze back to Heavy, who hadn't moved an inch since the kiss, staring blankly into nothing.

"Uh, Misha?"

Misha's eyes slowly turned to his beloved, his hands moving to Medic's face, turning his head sideways.

"Ohhhh, somevon vants a rematch, huh?

Misha chuckled. "Yes, Ludwig, veeery much so." He then moved in closer, and did what he wanted to do way back in the cafe, and kissed him back.

There were many celebrations to be had back at the base, with high-fiving and fist-bumping all around. Most of the mercenaries sure didn't comprehend why a new couple would want to have some alone time with the other, but the hastily-planned festivities were to be welcoming in itself. But now, Ludwig and Misha were standing still, on a battlefield, covered in blood and enjoying each other's company.

What else could you want from war?

AN: Around 43 people died in ACHE Chapter 6, which combined with a kill count of 24 in Chapter 5, and the 14 killed all the way in Chapter 1, leads us to a total kill count of 81 kills for this fanfic, which I am not going to give a gender, team or class breakdown for because that would take too much work. Feel free to do that on your own. My beta reader James gives the Golden Chainsaw to the BLU Soldier, who tried to warn his comrades before Heavy killed him. I award the Dull Machete to BLU Scout, who's kill we only go to see the aftermath of. And thats all. Anatomically-Correct Heart eyes is planning to have one last epilogue chapter in the near future, but until then I'm Wolf Witchery, telling you to please make a TV tropes page for this, and this has been the Kill Count. Be good people.