So I came upon a problem as I was writing this chapter, and that problem was that I had somehow already gotten to July in the timeline of this fic, and I didn't like that. So, I'm sure some of y'all have noticed that I edited the 2nd chapter to change what session Evie was one and also changed how much time had passed since the first session with Maruki. I'm afraid that I'll more than likely be editing previous chapters as well as future chapters even after I've posted them. Since this is my first fanfic, it's actually really hard planning it, especially when it comes to the timeline, so i'd just like to ask y'all to bear with me. This fic will probably always be a WIP tbh. Just keep an eye out for "Edited _insert edit date_" on chapters!

Mentions of self harm scars in this chapter, jsy'all know!


Ugh, her head hurt so much. Slowly coming back to consciousness wasn't easy, especially since she had basically passed out the night before, as she was recalling. Feeling herself still propped up against her front door, she groaned as she attempted to move her stiff body. Everything hurt now, not just her head. She was also extremely dehydrated if the dryness in her mouth was anything to go by. Usually that would be because of the amount of soda she consumed daily, though she still did try to drink enough water to counteract that. That didn't mean she was always successful, however. Nevertheless, she needed to find out what time it was. Luckily, her phone was clutched tightly in her hand, and apparently had been all night. Checking it, shock rippled through her body as she noticed it wasn't the next morning, but the next evening. She'd slept almost an entire day?! Letting her arm flop back down as panic swept through her mind, her breathing increasing slightly as her entire body began trembling. How could that have happened, had she truly been that exhausted? She knew she hadn't been taking care of herself that well recently, but had it really gotten to such a point that she'd slept almost an entire day just to recover from the adrenaline fueled fear she'd experienced last night?

Shaking her head, she tried to get up, and only managed to get to her knees before her phone beeped, signaling that she had a new text message. Shakily sighing at how weak she felt, she lifted her arm up to check who had messaged her; it was her brother!

Hey, you okay? Tried messaging you earlier, but you didn't answer.

Cursing loudly, she forced herself to stand up, her legs shaking underneath her as she leaned against the door to keep her balance. She had really done it this time, hadn't she?

Sorry, was distracted by something, didn't hear my phone go off.

That's the excuse she gives him, though she does feel bad about lying to him. She knew if she were to tell him that she had slept almost an entire day, he'd probably worry about her. That wasn't something she could afford right now. What if he told Maruki about it, and then Maruki himself brought it up in next weeks session? She already had enough to deal with when it came to her sessions with Maruki, and she didn't want to add to that. Hearing another beep, she checks her phone again to see he had replied to her.

Okay, well, just wanted to let you know I may not be able to make it on Saturday either.

As if her mood could get any worse. She had to keep herself from tearing up as she tapped her reply to him, her fingers shaking as she did so.

That's fine! Don't worry about it, just make sure you're taking care of yourself, okay?

While she did want him to take care of himself, if it meant that he couldn't come see her, she found herself wishing he could put her above whatever else it was he had to do. It only served to make her more upset, however, by thinking such things. She felt bad about feeling that way, of course, but she also couldn't help it. She had been so lonely lately, her only human contact being that of Maruki and her brother. Now that her brother seemed to be drifting away from her slightly, she felt she'd needed to lean more into Maruki if she wanted to help ease the loneliness.

Grimacing at how disgusting she felt, not just from the emotions she was feeling, but because she was still dirty from her activities the previous night, she hoped a shower would make her feel better. Stumbling to her room and peeling her clothes off after setting her phone on her bed, she couldn't help the sigh of disgust as she caught sight of the scars littered all over her stomach. Refusing to think about it, however, she chose to ignore them and waste no more time in getting into the shower. There she stayed, under the hot water, for at least thirty minutes, before the skin on her hands and feet began to prune up. She had always hated that feeling, so she always made sure her showers or baths were never that long. At least she could take self-care seriously when it came to making sure she was clean all the time, though she didn't necessarily despise it when she got sweaty during concerts or when she was practicing dancing in the studio. That was the only kind of sweat she could deal with for any extended periods of time.

Even after her shower, Evelyn found that she couldn't get to sleep, though she shouldn't have been surprised. She had slept almost an entire day after all. The last time she'd done that had been when she was at her lowest back in high school, back when….

No, stop it! Shaking her head aggressively to keep herself from thinking about when she had done that to herself, a weary sigh left her lips. What was wrong with her, why was she thinking about things like that? Was she getting low again? No, she couldn't be, she wouldn't let herself get low again. Not since it would mean she wouldn't be able to go back to performing any time soon. Her manager had said that if she was doing better by her 9th session, then she could come out of her hiatus, and that was what she was banking on! She couldn't afford to mess up, to get low again. Not now!

The rest of the night was filled with nothing but depression and loneliness, however, despite her best efforts to ignore it all. All she could do now was just wait for her next appointment with Maruki.

. . .

Because of how she had slept so long the one day, Evelyns sleep schedule had gotten completely messed up as a result. The night before her next session with Maruki, she hadn't gotten any sleep, and she couldn't bring herself to put any make up on to hide the darkness underneath her eyes. Hopefully Maruki didn't comment on it. A hope that would, in the end, be fruitless, because that was one of the first things he commented on once he let her into his office.

" Did you get any sleep last night, Evie? You look tired… "

A yawn threatened to escape her lips, and she was barely able to hold it back before responding to him.

" Ah, well, not really. I guess I was just too restless….or something like that. But I'm fine, promise! "

She couldn't tell him it was because of what had happened last week; not only would he look at her like she was crazy, it would just bring about more worry for her health, and she didn't want that right now. Her posture was terrible as she sat across from him, and despite the fact she was yelling at herself to act like she was fine, she was just too tired to care about it at the moment. Instead, she tried to wrack her brain for a different topic they could talk about, and the psychotic breakdowns were what came to mind. Not really the most pleasant subject, but it would work, hopefully.

" But uh, anyway, have you heard about those mental shutdowns, or psychotic breakdowns, or, well….whatever they're called? I've been hearing about them on the news more often lately… "

She regarded him with a look of curiosity, hoping she looked genuinely curious to him. It was a tricky subject for her to talk about, because of what she had done in the Metaverse, which had led to some of the psychotic breakdowns by her own hand. Her own confusion on what to call them was merely an act, because she didn't want to seem too knowledgeable about the cases. It might be enough to cause him to suspect her of something. At least, that's what she would irrationally believe for now.

" Ah, the psychotic breakdowns, well….they're truly frightening to think about, if I'm being honest. "

" Oh? "

" Well, it's scary to think about people just going psychotic like that out of nowhere, and harming both themselves and other people as a result. It makes me wish there was something I could do to prevent such things from happening. "

Ah, of course he thought like that. It was his job to care about people after all, right? Still, she found herself feeling bad for him, wishing she hadn't played a hand in some of the cases that had happened.

" I see… Well, if there's anyone out there that could help when it came to those situations, I think it'd be you, Dr. Maruki. "

The slightest of blushes spread across his cheeks at her words, and Evelyn found herself loving that she had caused it. Wait, where had that come from?

" You think so? I think you might be selling me a bit too hard there, Evie, hehe…."

" Not at all, you're a good man Dr. Maruki, and you seem to genuinely want to help people. If anyone could do something about the breakdowns, I think you'd be the perfect candidate. "

" Ahaha, well, truth be told, I'm actually writing a research paper that could be the breakthrough I'd need in order to help with the breakdowns, along with anyone else that may be suffering in the world. "

This made Evelyn pause in her response, her curiosity genuinely piqued now. He was trying to find a way to end all suffering? At least, that was the gist of what she was getting from his words, though she could certainly be wrong. Either way, it was an admirable thing to be trying to do, and she found herself wanting to say she agreed with him. She wanted to end all suffering in the world too, if she really thought about it, but she supposed she was just going about it in a different way than him. Not that she knew what he was actually doing to make this goal of his a reality.

" Really? That's amazing! I wonder if I could help you with it? I've never been good at writing papers, but if there's any way I can help you with it, I honestly wouldn't mind. "

" Ah, you don't have to do that, really! Your brother is actually already helping me, believe it or not, so I'm not sure I could ask the same of you as well. "

Akira was helping Maruki with his paper? That was the first she was hearing of it. He certainly hadn't told her anything about it, not that he really had to. Still, it made her feel just a little bitter, that he was getting involved in all these things, and that was probably why he hadn't been able to come over recently. Again, she felt awful thinking such things, but she wasn't exactly in a good place mentally, right now, was she?

" Huh, he hasn't mentioned that to me yet, but I'm glad he's been helpful! "

She couldn't bring herself to say anything else, because if she did, she was scared she might say something she'd regret. Instead, she moved to stretch, her muscles had become stiff with inactivity because of how long she's been sitting there already. Letting out a quiet squeal as she stretched, her shirt lifted just slightly with her movement, revealing a portion of her scar riddled stomach. Feeling a breeze where the skin of her stomach had been revealed, she freezes for a split second before immediately lowering her arms to pull down the bottom of her shirt in order to cover her stomach. Shit, god damnit, how could she have been so careless?! How could she had forgotten to wear her usual shape wear underneath her clothes to prevent this exact thing from happening?! Panic immediately erupted in her mind and tears formed at the corners of her eyes as she glanced at him to see if he had seen them. Judging by his now grim expression, she'd guessed he had, but she needed to make sure.

" You uh….you d-didn't…see that, did you? Please tell me you didn't…. "

The silence before his response seemed to stretch on so much longer than she could believe, the seconds ticking by seemed to last for forever.

" I did see.…but, they're old, aren't they? "

Immediately, the tears fell from her eyes and she had to choke back a sob that had bubbled up unexpectedly. No, god damnit, he saw and now he was going to tell her manager about them and now she'd never be able to perform ever again! Any rationality within her mind fled from it as she started crying, wringing her hands together in extreme anxiety. She had to get out of there, she had to leave and never come back! To hell with her manager, she could afford to suffer a blow to her career and put her foot down, right? She could just get a new manager! It might not look good for her public image, but she could deal with that!

Gathering her things and standing up, she moves towards the door of his office, but Maruki seemed to know what she was trying to do and had risen from his seat along with her, quickly moving to stand in front of the door to his office. He was blocking her way out of there!

" Evie, please, try to calm down! "

His words fell on deaf ears. No matter how gentle they were, they could do nothing to quell the fear and panic raging inside her. Shaking her head aggressively, she moves to push him out of the way, but instead he gently grabbed her shoulders, a pained look on his face now.

" Evie, I promise I won't tell anyone, but you need to calm down! I only want to help you, please! "

Him saying he won't tell anyone doesn't convince her that easily, though she does find her struggling against his gentle but firm grip lessens, if only a little. Why'd this have to happen? That's what was repeatedly going through her head now as she continued to try and move him out of the way so she could escape. Alas, he wasn't budging, and while she may have not been in a good state of mind right then, she knew when to give up on a fight that she wasn't going to win.

" You're not alone in this, Evie, trust me. I'm here for you. You don't have to talk about them if you don't want to, but please just know that I'm here for you. "

For some reason, his words just then broke something inside of her, and she found herself flinging herself at him, clutching at his lab coat as she cried hysterically. He was so kind, too kind if you were to ask her, and it was too much for her heart to handle in that moment of weakness. She didn't deserve his kindness, but here he was, offering it to her anyway. Her grip on his lab coat would only tighten as his arms suddenly lifted up to wrap around her. Shaking like a leaf in the wind, she continued to cry and sob into his figure, vaguely realizing she was getting his shirt wet. Damnit, now she was going to have to deal with that whenever she was done crying her eyes out.

This seemed to go on for much too long, very awkwardly so, before her crying seemed to slow down and her sobs dissolved into sniffling. She had no idea how long they had stayed like this, his arms wrapped around her and her hands gripping his coat, but eventually she pulled away slightly and looked up at him.

" You…you promise…you won't t-tell anyone? "

It's said so quietly that she wonders if she should repeat the question, but he nods his head in reply to her, his eyes softening a little as he looked down at her. Something about how he was looking at her made her heart skip a beat, but she promptly ignored it and the slight blush that she could feel appear on her cheeks, holding his gaze firmly.

" I promise, Evie. You don't have to worry about anyone finding out, though…..if you'll let me, I would like to help you with…with them. "

Them being the scars, of course. She could tell what he was referring to, though a grimace flashed across her face at the prospect of having to talk about them with him. Still, considering she had just ruined his shirt with her tears, nevermind that she had practically broken down at all, she felt she could at least entertain the idea of talking about them. Maybe?

" I'll…I'll think about it…is that good enough? "

Fully pulling away from him, she let out a sigh of exhaustion, feeling herself wobble a little from side to side. She also noticed that he still had a grip on her, his hands gently holding onto the sides of her arms just below her shoulders. It was a good thing he was, too, because suddenly she felt lightheaded and would have fallen to the side if it hadn't been for his grip on her.

" Whoa, easy! Here, let's sit you back down. "

Feeling herself be led back to her seat, her vision blurs for a moment before clearing back up. A water bottle is presented to her, she realizes, and it takes her a second to acknowledge it before actually taking it from him.

" You must have dried yourself up from all that crying, so please, drink up! Dehydration from crying can make it so you feel very disoriented! "

Blinking, he comes back into focus and her heart skips yet another beat as she sees the expression on his face. It's so gentle, so kind, and also so understanding. Not to mention he's very handsome and she found she wanted him to hold her again, suddenly. Wait, what was she thinking? Where had that come from? Sure she had thought he was cute, but wanting him to hold her was a level or two above that, wasn't it? Realizing she was blushing profusely, she lets out an awkward cough and unscrews the cap to the water bottle before taking a small sip.

" So, would it be alright to ask how long it's been since you hurt yourself like that? "

He says it so softly, so gently, that she almost wants to answer him. Maybe she should? He said he wouldn't tell anyone, right? Could she take this one leap of faith and talk to him about the scars? The hesitation she exhibits as she struggles to come to a decision must be extremely obvious because he reaches a hand behind his head to scratch at his neck.

" I know I said you don't have to talk about them to me, but I truly just want to help you, Evie. I feel like you'd need to open up about them in order to make that possible, however. But still! If you really don't want to talk about them, I won't force you. "

Her hesitation lessens a little at his reassurance, though it still lingers in the fore front of her mind. Heaving a sigh, she takes another sip from the water bottle before looking back up at him with a tired expression.

" I…the last time I did it was when I was in High School, when I was 17. "

She won't elaborate any more than that, at least for now, but even saying that much was painful for her. He regards her with an unreadable expression, before turning to look at his computer.

" I see….well, I can see that's all you can share for now, so we'll stop here for today. But before you leave, why don't we exchange contact information? "

Looking at him with a puzzled expression, she sets the water bottle down in front of her, already pulling out her phone before he could continue.

" That way it'll be easier to set up appointments, plus I just really want to be able to talk to you outside of our sessions! "

This makes her blush once more, and she barely manages to control the sputter of words that leaves her lips in response.

" U-Uh, I mean….s-sure? I guess that's o-okay…. "

Evelyn wasn't certain how professional it was for a counselor and their patient to have each other's contact information, but she strangely wasn't opposed to the idea. If anything, it'd give her someone else to talk to every day, outside of their sessions. Nonetheless, they tap away on their phones as they add each other to their contacts lists.

" Alright, then! I'll see you next week then, Evie. Until then, please try to take care of yourself. "

As she stands up again, this time to leave for sure, her reaches out to grip her shoulder gently.

" Remember, you're not alone in this. I care about your happiness, Evie, and I'll do whatever it takes to make sure you can be happy again. "

As per usual, she doesn't say anything else to him as she leaves, merely nodding her thanks to him before closing the door to his office behind her. A headache was forming throughout her entire head, and all she wanted to do right then was go home and sleep.

. . .

Arriving home an hour later, after having her driver stop to get something to eat on the way home, she sluggishly walked into her living room after closing the door to her condo. She almost didn't want to eat, and instead just go to her room and pass out. She needed to eat, however, and so she forced herself to eat the burger she'd ordered. Checking her phone as she ate, she suddenly realizes it's June. She'd been on her forced hiatus for over a month now, and had been seeing Maruki for counseling for three weeks. Clearly this hiatus was actually driving her crazy, if her poor mental state was anything to go by. Not that she'd ever admit that to anyone, least of all Maruki, but she was slowly coming to terms with it on her end at least. It only took her breaking down in front of him for that to happen, unfortunately.

Idly, she considers going back to Mementos, but that idea is quickly squashed down as fast as it had popped up. Honestly, she should seriously consider quitting that little "side job" of hers completely, it wasn't worth risking her livelihood over the more she thought about it. It wasn't worth risking her happiness over, no matter how much she wanted to help people. Now, more than ever, since she couldn't use her music to make people happy.

Finishing her food, she goes to text her brother, hoping he can at least have a short conversation with her. It'd be nice to know how he was doing lately, since he hadn't been talking to her as much recently.

Hey lil bro, how ya doin?

His chat icon pops up a minute later, the three dots signifying he was typing showing up for a few seconds before his reply appeared.

Doing okay, hbu?

She smiles slightly, hoping he was being truthful with her. tired, but other than that I'm okay. How's Shujin been treating ya? You've been there for about a couple months now, right?

It's been fine, I've made a few friends and they're great. How's hiatus been treating you?

Her smile falls and she can't keep her fingers from tapping harshly against the screen of her phone as she replies. I hate it, but you know that lol

Sorry, touchy subject, how've your sessions with Dr. Maruki been going?

Sighing, she tells him a partial lie about how her sessions had been going, hoping he doesn't press the subject further. They've been alright, had my 3rd one today and it was kinda hard….but anyway, I think I'm gonna head to bed early tonight, so ttyl lil bro!

She really did need to get to sleep, the food she'd eaten starting to weigh heavy in her stomach and the lack of sleep from the previous night was catching up to her.

Okay, get some rest sis. ttyl

Once again, she finds herself dealing with a depression and loneliness that she hadn't felt in a long time that night, though it thankfully helps her to get to sleep for once. Usually it would keep her awake, but luckily she was just too tired. The last thoughts that went through her head before she finally drifted off was that she hoped Maruki didn't ever find out about this depression, because it might make him sad. She didn't want to make him sad.