Every summer, the Loud family piled into Lynn Sr.'s old van and took a vacation somewhere in the US. Last year they went to Colonial Williamsburg and the year before that, they visited the Grand Canyon. Mr. Loud believed that long road trips were the best way for a family to bond, so they never flew or took a train. How Vanzilla managed to make it through a yearly jaunt to and fro, no one knew, but somehow it did, though it was known to break down in transit and set them back a day or two. "No problem," Mr. Loud would say, "that just means more time...together." He would then make a heart by pressing his thumbs and knuckles together, and all of his daughters would gag.
The most ambitious trip the Louds had ever undertaken was to Mexico three summers ago. They got stopped at the border and strip searched, then had the van stolen in Tijuana and got arrested by corrupt federales and held in jail for two days. When Mr. Loud told the story, this strange, faraway look crept into his eyes, and his voice grew sober. "You do not want to be in jail in Mexico," he'd say with a shiver.
What happened to him in there?
Johnny could only guess...and tbh, he didn't want to.
Most of their vacations didn't end in disaster like that. In fact, they were a blast. Johnny knew because they brought him and Lincoln along on the last two. In Williamsburg, they dressed up like Colonials, and at the Grand Canyon, they rode donkeys to the bottom. It was sick. Temperature of one oh three.
Mr. and Mrs. Loud began planning the trip back in March, and every so often Johnny would ask them where they were going. "It's a surprise," Mr. Loud said.
"It's going to be a lot of fun," Mrs. Loud agreed.
Okay, sure. He was pumped up and excited and wanted to know right now, but surprises were always fun. Plus, it's not like it mattered that much. It was a free vacation, so he couldn't complain even if they went to the glue factory or something. Not only was it cool of the Louds to let him and Lincoln tag along, it was the only chance Johnny got to travel. Before that first vacation, he'd only be out of Michigan one time, and only then because Dad took a wrong turn and didn't realize it until they were in Indiana. Yeah, seeing America from the back of a smelly, sixty year old van filled with screaming, bickering girls wasn't the best, but it was a lot better than not seeing it at all. He was holding out hope that one day Mr. Loud would be open to going to Mexico again, or even Canada; Johnny didn't care which, just as long as he got to brag that he'd been outside of the country.
On Friday, July 8, Lincoln and Johnny left the house just after sunrise and carried their bags over to the Loud house. The Louds were already getting on while Mr. and Mrs. Loud loaded things into the back. "Morning, boys," Mr. Loud said. "Are you ready for our big trip?"
"We sure are," Johnny said excitedly and looked at Lincoln. "Right?"
Lincoln, eyes bleary and hair stuck out, grunted something that could have been an agreement or an insult.
Soon, they were underway and heading southwest on I-75, Johnny sitting in the second row between Luna and Luan and Lincoln in the back with Lisa and the twins. Johnny made sure to sit with the older girls on every trip because the younger ones, from Lynn on down, had major crushes on him, and if he sat with them, they wouldn't leave him alone the whole drive. They'd talk to him, touch him, bat their eyelashes at him, and stare at him until he was so uncomfortable he might as well be sitting on a bed of nails. Lori, Leni, Luna, and Luan were cool, they left him alone. Except for Luan, she cracked jokes and made stupid puns in his ear, but she usually tuckered herself out around the five hundred mile mark, so it was all good.
"So," Johnny said in general, "where are we going?"
"The Craterville Dude Ranch," Mr. Loud said.
Oh.
"What's that?" Johnny asked. He'd heard the term "dude ranch" before, and always assumed it was a place where bros chilled on horses.
Mr. Loud looked into the rearview mirror. "Oh, you're gonna love it, it's this great old place where you can pretend to be a cowboy."
Ah. Okay. That made sense. Mr. and Mrs. Loud had an affinity for westerns that made Dad's love of wrestling look like a passing interest. They collected memorabilia from cowboy movies, owned every John Ford movie on VHS, DVD, and Blu-Ray, and had Old West themed paintings depicting dusty plains and cattle drives on their bedroom walls. Their most prized possession, displayed in a place of honor above the mantle, was a signed and framed photo of John Wayne. Johnny couldn't be sure, but he suspected that Mr. Loud fell on his knees in worship every time he passed it.
"Where is it?" Johnny asked.
"New Mexico," Mr. Loud said.
Johnny whistled. New Mexico. He kind of knew where that was (next to California, right?). That was a looooong way from Michigan. That meant the drive was going to take forever. It also meant that he'd get to go through a bunch of states he'd never been to before and see a lot of cool scenery.
Now he was amped.
Lincoln, on the other hand...not so much.
More awake now than he had been just a few minutes ago, Lincoln glowered out the window at the passing suburbs with his chin planted in his upturned palm; he looked like he was one pothole away from exploding, and if Johnny didn't know any better, he'd say those were tears in his eyes.
God, what a drama queen.
A few months back, Lincoln started dating Maggie, a slightly older girl who hung out with Lucy. He was crazy about her and absolutely hated being away from her for extended periods of time. Earlier this year, during that whole Pabstvirus thing, she visited her grandparents for a week, and how Lincoln moped, Oh, boo hoo, muh gurlfriend. Wah, I miss staring into Maggie's hard, glaring eyes. Reeee. Lincoln would likely be pissy this entire vacation.
Whatever, though, just as long as he didn't ruin it for Johnny.
An hour and a half after leaving the Louds' driveway, they crossed into Illinois and hit Chicago traffic. From there, they angled south and crossed through Missouri, Kansas, Oklahoma, and Texas. The land grew flatter the farther south they went until it stretched away from either side of the highway like a tabletop. Vast fields of wheat dotted with rambling farms pressed against the shoulders through much of Kansas, and stacks of clouds towered into the endless sky like snow covered mountains in a blurry fever dream. Johnny stared raptly out the window at mile after mile of the same topography like a gobsmacked tourist in Times' Square and called out every so often to his brother. "Yo, did you see that?" "Bro, check it, a cow."
"Cool," Lincoln said flatly.
Every time. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool, cool, cool, coolcoolcoolcool.
"What's wrong with him?" Lola asked and crossed her arms.
"He's butthurt he can't hang out with his girlfriend."
Lola turned and studied Lincoln for a full minute. "I don't get what she sees in him. Those sunglasses and the slicked back hair make him look like a dork."
"Your face makes you look like a dork," Lincoln clapped back.
Lana laughed. "It's true."
"Shut up, booger eater," Lola spat.
A dark shadow crossed Lana's face. "No, you, snot sucker."
And thus passed three hundred miles of Lana and Lola trading insults.
That evening, they stopped just across the Oklahoma state line for dinner at a roadside rib joint with rafters, unfinished wood floors, and country music blaring from a jukebox in a corner. Guys in plaid shirts and cowboy hats and women with eighties style perms mobbed the free salad bar, and a fat guy in an apron and a hairnet carried a plastic tub filled with dirty dishes into the kitchen. Lincoln sat there like a sad sack the whole time and cried (metaphorically) into his coleslaw. "Dude, will you snap out of it?" Johnny asked at one point. "Man up and eat the brisket Mr. Loud bought you."
"Screw you," Lincoln sneered.
"Bro, it's just a girl."
"Yeah? Maybe you'd know how I feel if you could actually get a girlfriend."
Okay, that made Johnny mad. The littlest Louds liked him, but literally no other girl did and sometimes, that kind of bothered him. Then he looked at Lincoln and Maggie, saw how into him she was, and got unaccountably angry. "You little punk," he said through his teeth. He grabbed Lincoln's jacket, and Lincoln swatted his hands.
"Lincoln, Johnny," Mrs. Loud said, stopping them, "please no fighting at the table."
"Yes, ma'am," they said in unison.
This isn't over, Johnny mouthed.
Lincoln mimed cutting his own neck.
Okay, loser.
Following a quick pit stop in the bathroom, they piled back into the van and took off, Johnny instantly forgetting the threat he made to his brother.
Mr. and Mrs. Loud took turns driving through the night so that they didn't have to stop and spend money on a motel. Lori leaned against the window and fell asleep at midnight, Leni leaned her head against Lori's shoulder, and Johnny leaned his head against Leni's shoulder. He woke several times before dawn, stiff and sore, but didn't hang around for long before dropping off again.
Sunrise found them on a desert highway in eastern New Mexico. A red, blasted Martain hellscape fell away from the road and giant rock formations thrust up from the hardpan like statues to strange and terrible elders gods. "I have to pee," Leni whined.
"We're almost there, honey," Mr. Loud said.
Ten minutes later, they pulled off the highway and onto a gravel road that curved around a rocky hillside. The ranch hoved into view and Johnny craned his neck to see it. A collection of tumbledown buildings formed a rough semi-circle around a wide dirt dooryard. A horse stable sat off to one side and a decomposing split rail fence surrounded the entirety of the compound like a moat, only made of splinters instead of water. An archway stood over the entrance, a sun-bleached sign spackled with rust creaking back and forth in the dessicated wind. CRATERVILLE RANCH.
Johnny could see why they called this place Craterville. The resemblance to Mars (or to his idea of Mars anyway) was stronger than ever; if he squinted and ignored the hazy sky, he could almost believe that he actually was on Mars. He and the Louds were stranded on the Red Planet after their spaceship went astray and crashed, now supplies were running out and hunger was beginning to set in. Do you wanna have a tea party? Lola asked. No, Johnny replied and held up a knife and fork, I'd rather have a Donner Party.
Nah, if he was gonna resort to cannibalism, he'd go for Mrs. Loud first. She was a big woman and if he conserved his rations just right, he could live off of her for weeks.
He blinked. Why was he thinking about cannibalism?
Mr. Loud pulled the van into the dooryard and cut the engine. "Alright, gang," he said, "we're here."
Outside, the morning was bright and hot, the occasional blast of wind scouring Johnny's face like a sheet of sandpaper. Everyone else piled out of the van, stretching and flexing sore muscles, and Johnny looked around the ranch. The buildings facing the dooryard were low, one-story, and cabin-like, each boasting a canted front porch. A tall man in cowboy boots and a white Stetson stepped out of one and moseyed on over, each step kicking up puffs of dirt. He was roughly twenty-five with rugged features, blonde hair, and faded blue eyes. "Howdy, folks," he said in a thick Texas drawl, "y'all must be the Louds."
"That's us," Mr. Loud said.
"It's mighty nice to meet you. My name's Tex, and I'm the manager here."
Now, as a strong, independent black man with a little white thrown in, Johnny didn't believe in stereotyping people, but if he was honest, he would have been shocked if this dude was called anything but Tex. He glanced at Lincoln to gauge his reaction, and that's when he realized something.
All of the Loud girls (with the exception of Mrs. Loud) were gaping at Tex. From their slack-jaws, blushing faces, and big, heart-shaped pupils (literally heart shaped...yo, how are you doing that?) he could only draw one conclusion.
They thought the cowboy was hot.
Something small and hard slammed into his kidney, and a fiery band of pain wrapped around his midsection. "Step aside, dog meat," Lola hissed, "your blocking the hunk." She went up to Tex, balled her hands cutely, and swiveled on the balls of her heels. "Hi," she said and batted her eyelashes, "I'm Lola Loud. I'm beautiful too."
Tex dawned a big grin. "Well, hi there, little lady. You sure are purdy. But I reckon you don't look the part of a real cowgirl." He looked at everyone else. "Fact, none of you do. But not to worry, we'll get you fixed up in a jiff. Just let me show you where y'all will be stayin'."
Turning, Tex led them to their accommodations. Because there were so many people, Mr. Loud booked two cabins. Mrs. Loud, Lynn, Lucy, Lana, Lola, Lisa, and Lily took one and Mr. Loud, Lori, Leni, Luna, Luan, Lincoln, and Johnny the other. Johnny expected them to be as decrepit inside as they were out, but was pleasantly surprised to find that they weren't. Four sets of bunk beds stood against the oak paneled wall, and a heavy rug sat in the middle of the polished hardwood floor. A long table flanked by straight back chairs took up one corner, and a desk occupied an alcove near the door. Johnny scanned the room, and frowned. "Where's the TV?" he asked.
Tex chuckled and slapped his back. "There ain't none. This is the Old West, partner, we don't got TV. We got cards, hard work, and the Bible. That's all you rightly need."
Hard work.
Okay, maybe coming here was a mistake.
"I'll go get y'all somethin' to wear," Tex said. "Be back faster than a barefoot jackrabbit on a hot greasy griddle in the middle of August." He clapped Johnny's back again and left, letting the door fall closed behind him.
As soon as he was gone, Leni sighed dreamily. "He's totes cute."
"Ugh, I know," Lori said and sank onto one of the beds, "I wonder if he likes blondes."
"He strikes me as a music lover," Luna said.
Luan rolled her eyes. "Obviously he likes jokes."
"I think he likes white haired little boys," Johnny said and smirked at Lincoln. "You better watch out, bro, Maggie has competition."
All of the Loud girls glared.
Did he say something wrong.
"That's not funny," Luan charged. "And I know funny."
"Yeah," Leni said, brow pinched. "Tex is not a…" she trailed off and tapped her chin. "What do you call a grown up who likes kids?"
"Nothing," Mr. Loud said, "now unpack your things and get settled in."
Johnny unpacked his bag and stowed his clothes in the dresser at the foot of his and Lincoln's bunk. He found an outlet behind the nightstand and plugged in his phone just as Tex returned with a stack of clothes in his arms. "You'll find you some boots in the closet and some hats too, I figure." He sat the clothes on the desk and put his hands on his hips. "Y'all be sure to check your beddin' now. We got scorpions and tarantulas out here and they just love snugglin' up in the beds."
Everyone exchanged an uneasy glance.
"Y'all get dressed then come out to the stable if you want. Our horses are just rarin' to go." He tipped his hat and took his leave.
Scorpions and spiders.
Yes...coming here was a mistake.
Before getting dressed, he made sure to check his bed thoroughly.
Ten minutes after getting into their new outfits, everyone met at the stable. Johnny, clad in a simple plaid shirt tucked into jeans, was amused by what everyone else was wearing: Lori a plain blue dress with white fringe under an apron; Mrs. Loud a pink western style shirt and purple pants that probably didn't exist in the Old West; Luan yellow pants with tassels; Leni a green burlesque girl style dress, white gloves, and a feather in her hair; Lola a pink dress with a white boa and a tiny little hat; and, eh, he lost track after that. Plaid, denim, and ten gallon hats abounded, that's all you really need to know.
"Glad y'all decided to come out," Tex said.
There were five horses in the stable so they had to go in shifts. A guy in greasy overalls named Bob led the horses around the pen by a rope while each of the girls took turns riding, and Tex did his best to teach the boys how to lasso. "The trick is in all in the wrist," Tex grinned. "You gotta be quick and loose like."
He made it look easy, but when Johnny tried, it wasn't; the rope kind of went haywire and wound up knocking Mr. Loud's hat off his head. Mr. Loud, however, was even worse: Somehow he managed to get tangled in the rope and fell face first in the dirt. Tex helped him up and dusted him off. "Maybe we'll try this again later," he said encouragingly.
After Lola's turn on the horse, Johnny climbed on and held tight to the reins lest it buck him off and kick him in the face. It started to move, and Johnny squeezed his eyes closed in expectation of death.
It didn't come.
He creaked one eye open. The girls clustered around Tex as he did elaborate tricks with his lasso, love and devotion on their faces. You know...they (at least the younger ones) used to look at him that way.
Something stirred in his chest, and his teeth ground unconsciously together. He was so caught up in silent resentment that when the horse turned to avoid hitting the gate, he lost his balance and started to fall. Crying out, Johnny grabbed at the reins but missed and went down, landing hard on his butt. The horse tossed its head and let out a chortle that sounded suspiciously like laughter. Bob spared Johnny a quick glance. "You gettin' back on, boy?"
Johnny got to his feet and dusted himself off. "No," he said.
After a lunch of beans and bacon in the camp mess, Tex took them on a nature walk through the desert. All of the girls got as close to him as they could, and Johnny rolled his eyes. He wasn't that good looking. His face was all rough and weatherbeaten, which made him look old and homeless. What was attractive about that?
Nothing, nothing at all.
But the girls were stuck to him like glue anyway.
He couldn't believe he was thinking this, but he almost wished they'd go back to bothering him.
Breaking from Lincoln's side, he walked up to Lucy, who stared up at the cowboy through her bangs. "Hey, Luce," he said.
No reply.
"Cool, uh, nature trail, huh?"
Nothing.
"You look very nice today."
She looked the same as she always did, except for the stern black dress that made her look like a female mortician.
"You're very pretty."
Still nothing.
Johnny made a noise of disgust in the back of his throat and fell in beside Lincoln. "I can't stand him."
"Who?"
"Tex."
"Why not?"
Johnny's lips puckered bitterly. "He stole my haram."
Confusion flickered across Lincoln's face. "What? Dude, you don't even like them."
"That's not the point," Johnny grumbled.
Lincoln turned and looked at him. "Hey, what's wrong with your eyes?"
"What?" Johnny asked.
"They're green."
He smirked and Johnny bristled. In case you don't know, jealousy is called "The Green Eyed Monster." Saying someone's eyes are green means they're eating their heart out.
"No they're not."
"Yes they are."
Johnny started to argue, but maybe...just maybe...Lincoln was right.
That thought carried him through the rest of the day. After the hike, Tex brought them to a creek (pronounced 'crick' which rhymes with hick) and then to a makeshift archery range where he taught the proper way to operate a bow and arrow. Lincoln had never so much as touched an arrow before but he took to it like a fish to water. Johnny, on the other hand, kept fumbling; every time her drew back the bow, his arrow fell to the dirt. "You're not very good at this," Leni said from beside him.
"Look who's talking," Johnny snapped. "Your arrow is backwards. You're gonna wind up impaling yourself."
She shrugged. "I'm a girl, I'm, like, allowed to not be good at this. You're a boy, you have to be good at it." She spotted Tex and smiled. "He's really good. Like, so much better than you. I bet he never drops his arrow."
Each comparison stoked the flames in Johnny's chest higher and higher until he lightly trembled. He'd show her. He'd show all of them. He could shoot just as well as Tex. No, no, he could shoot better. He set his arrow and pulled the string back.
The arrow dropped.
A bomb blast of rage detonated in Johnny's stomach. Throwing the bow aside, he bent, picked up the arrow, and broke it over his knee, then stormed off. Later on, when he was calmer, he came back and found Lincoln and the Louds in the mess hall, where Tex had them doing dumb arts and even dumber crafts. He sat next to Lincoln and crossed his arms. "I'm really mad," he said.
"Congratulations," Lincoln said without looking up from his popsicle stick birdhouse.
"Really? You're not gonna back me up here?"
Lincoln turned to him. "Dude, you're being petty. They've been crushing on you forever and you ignored them. Now they're crushing on Tex - whom they have no chance with, I might add - and you're bellyaching. Make up your mind. You're worse than a woman."
Something came over Johnny and before he knew what he was doing, he was lunging at Lincoln. Lincoln, cooler and more collected, anticipated this, and shoved him, knocking from his seat. He landed on the floor and a bolt of pain streaked up his arm. "Idiot!" he screamed at his brother. He started to get up, but staggered and fell to his knees. Everyone except Lincoln started to laugh at him. Leni pointed, Luan waved her hand (stop, you're killing me!), and Mr. Loud shook his head from side to side as if to say he couldn't take anymore. Someone grabbed his arm and pulled him to his feet, and when he realized it was Tex, he yanked rudely away.
"You alright there, partner?"
"I'm fine," Johnny choked, "leave me alone."
He went back to his cabin and stayed there for the rest of the day. Mr. and Mrs. Loud came by to see if he was okay and to apologize for laughing at him, but he played sick and they left him alone.
That night, he lay awake and absently watched a bar of dusty moonlight crawl across the wall. Was he being petty the way Lincoln said? He went back over the day, the smoldering embers in his chest raking and glowing with infernal life once more, and he decided that he was. He didn't like any of the Loud girls like that, but deep down, he enjoyed their attention. It's not like he had any other girls hollering at him.
The next morning, he rolled out of bed at the crack of dawn, used the bathroom, and got dressed for the day. First, Tex took them white water rafting, then bird watching in the valley. The whole time, the Loud girls fawned all over him, and Johnny silently fumed. He tried to get their attention by telling his best jokes and getting in front of them on the trail, but he might as well have been a ghost to them. They only had eyes for lOnG, tAn, AnD hAnDsOmE. At dinner, he sat between Lana and Lola and glared at Tex from across the room.
Were there any walk-in freezers around? If he could lock him in, he'd stop stealing Johnny's thunder.
What he wouldn't give for the Loud girls to pay attention to him. He'd even -
On the other side of the room, Tex turned blue and started clawing at his throat.
Johnny blinked.
The cowboy bent over the table and jerked like he was going to puke. Johnny looked around, stricken, but no one was paying attention.
Dude, he was choking!
Luckily, Johnny knew just what to do.
Jumping to his feet, he ran over, got behind Tex, and wrapped his arms around him. Straining, applied as much pressure as he could, somehow lifting the cowboy six inches from his seat even though he outweighed Johnny by a good two hundred pounds. Everyone noticed what was going on and crowded around, all talking at once. Johnny tightened his grip and threw himself back like a wrestler trying to bodyslam an opponent. Tex hacked, and a wad of frood shot from his mouth and landed in Lola's hair. She let out a horrified shriek and ran around in circles, arms waving.
Johnny let go and sank to his butt, panting and sweating. Tex coughed into his hand and turned around. "You saved me, partner."
"Chew better next time," Johnny said.
"You're totes a hero," Leni said.
Only then did he realize that all of the Loud girls, plus Tex and Mr. and Mrs. Loud, were huddled around him.
Their pupils, to a one, were shaped like hearts.
Johnny laughed nervously.
"I should be careful what I wish for," he said.
