It would not be much of an exaggeration to say that for Lincoln and Johnny, gaming was life. There were a lot of things they considered more important (like making money and hanging with their friends) but when they had a little free time, they'd rather game than do almost anything else. Lincoln was partial to strategy and roleplaying games like SimCity and Risk, Johnny liked action ala Halo and Mass Effect, and they both liked open world sandbox games like Grand Theft Auto 5 and Fable 2. They had a PS5, an Xbox One, an N64, and an Atari they found at the landfill and rebuilt from scratch with the help of Lisa and Lori.
Lori, you see, was a bigger gamer than they were. She owned every console, had played every game, and could recite the entire history of gaming from memory. She streamed herself playing games online and had millions of fans around the world who sent her things in the mail. All of the game consoles Lincoln and Johnny had came from her and so did most of their games. Someone sent me a PS2, she'd say, but I already have five, so here...Merry Tuesday.
In addition to knowing the ins and outs of gaming, she also knew how to fix and customize consoles. The Angry Video Game Nerd, a popular YouTuber who's been around for, like, ever, built a Super Nintendo to look like a toaster. Inspired, Lori built one that looked like an old school radio with a tape deck. The knobs and levers controlled the color, audio, and brightness, and the best part? You could still play freaking tapes on it. Just pop out Super Mario World and pop in Rhythm Nation 1814. It was that easy. Johnny had no idea how she managed to pull that one off, but he was so impressed that when he told people about it, he spoke with so much pride that you'd be forgiven for thinking he built it instead of Lori. She also created her own mods for games and then shared them with her followers in lieu of charging for them (since that would be illegal or something, Johnny wasn't sure). He asked her one time how many followers she had and she just said, "Enough that I literally don't have to work a real job."
Johnny turned lime green with envy. Imagine getting paid - and paid well - to just play video games all day. That's, like, a dream come true. Johnny would kill for a gig like that.
Was it strange for a twelve year old boy to look up to a woman? Because Johnny totally looked up to Lori, and he wanted to be just like her when he grew up.
Except the whole, you know, white woman part. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being a white woman - his mother was one and he loved her very much - but he was a black dude and pretty happy with who he was. Save for that, he totally wished he was Lori. Lori was Epic with a capital 'E'. You couldn't do much better in terms of role models than a chill person who made bank playing video games. Sure, he looked up to his dad (Dad was great too) but didn't want to be Dad. All Dad did was work and watch old wrestling matches in his underwear. Johnny wanted better for himself...nay, he demanded better. That's what he strove to emulate Lori. Lori was the gold standard of people you should be like. He even went so far as to dress up as her a couple Halloweens ago. He was surprised by the number of people who not only got his costumed but wanted to take pictures with him too. Someone even posted one online and it got thousands of comments.
That was when he learned what a celebrity Lori really was.
In addition to her streaming, Lori ran a website where she wrote game reviews and posted gaming news she picked up from industry contact. It was one of the most well-known video game sites in the world and had more hits than Elvis and The Beatles combined. Because of this, Lori got annual invites to all the biggest video game conventions, where companies and manufacturers debuted new games, consoles, and other merchandise. The most famous one - the Wrestlemania of gaming trade expos - was E3. It was held every June in Los Angeles and was open mainly to retailers and the media. You could get in as a rando, but they had a cap on how many people they would admit, so getting through the doors was a huge feat unless you were a major figure in the industry.
Like Lori.
Last year, Lori got her first invite to E3, and Johnny and Lincoln begged her to let them come along, but she refused. If I bring a couple kids with me, they might literally get mad and kick me out. For her, being specially invited to E3 was the pinnacle of her career. Imagine being a football player and finally going to the Superbowl. It gave her a whole new level of credibility, and she was loath to do anything that might jeopardize it. Johnny understood that, but it didn't stop him from dropping to his knees and pleading with her to let him come. Just bring me, okay? Lincoln never has to know.
Not gonna happen, Johnny.
YOU'RE MEAN! he shouted.
She kicked him out.
Three weeks ago, Dad hurt his back trying to do a wrestling move on his stuffed Hulk Hogan plush and wound up out of action. He forced himself to go to work but when he got home, he collapsed on the couch and stayed there all day. Because of this, Lincoln and Johnny had to pick up his slack. See, Dad was fat and lazy, but he enjoyed working in the yard. If he could pry himself away from wrestling long enough, he'd spend all day putzing around and making busy work for himself. Since he was sidelined, it fell to Lincoln and Johnny to cut the grass and stuff. On a warm afternoon in late May, Johnny was fighting the push mower across the front lawn while Lincoln attacked a tangle of weeds on the side of the house with the weed whacker. Sweat poured down Johnny's face and dampened his paper bag. He took it off, and a freak gust of wind ripped it from his hands. It landed on the ground in front of him and he instinctively went after it, unthinkingly pushing the lawn mower and running it over. The machine tore it into a thousand pieces and spat it out the side in a rain of fluttery brown bits.
Johnny sighed.
Something moved in the corner of his eye and he looked over just as Lori walked up. Johnny let go of the mower's handle and the engine cut out. "Hey," he said, "what's up?"
She handed him an envelope. "What's this?"
"Two tickets to E3," she said, "you guys are coming with me this year."
Johnny's heart shot into his head and his knees turned to rubber. "W-What?"
"Well, this year they said bloggers with over a million followers can bring up to two guests, so I decided -"
Her words cut off in a breathless umph when Johnny tackled her and gave her a huge hug. He lifted her off her feet and spun her around, making her scream in terror. "Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you…"
"Literally put me down!"
Whoops. Heh. Got a little excited there.
He sat her down and she dusted herself off. "Thank you so much, Lori, we'll be on our best behaviour and do whatever you tell us too."
Just then, Lincoln walked up. "What's going on?"
"Lori's taking us to E3!"
Lincoln blinked. "She is?"
He picked her up and spun her around just like Johnny had. She screamed and flapped her arms like a big, flightless bird. "Thank you, thank you, thank you."
Now, almost a month later, the big day had finally arrived. Lincoln and Johnny had been looking forward to it with the heart-stopping anticipation of two kids waiting for Christmas, and the days had seemed to stretch into weeks. They told Mom and Dad, and both of them were cool with it, though Dad thought E3 was "for babies." Sitting in his chair in nothing but a crusty pair of tightie whities, a yellowed tank top, and a sequin Ric Flair robe splattered with food, sweat stains, and Chocolate Cherry Cola, he pronounced E3 a waste of time. "You boys should go to the NWA convention in Philadelphia instead. Magnum T.A.'s gonna be there."
"I don't even like that show," Johnny said.
"Yeah, he's really boring," Lincoln agreed. "All he does is wear fruity shirts and chase bad guys."
Dad's face darkened. "Not Magnum P.I. Magnum T.A. T. A."
"I dunno," Johnny said, "his shirts are kind of cool, but that's like putting a nice dress on a turd."
"I like Knight Rider better," Lincoln said. "KITT was legit. I want a car just like that."
Johnny nodded. "Yeah, Hasslehoff's the man."
Dad exploded. Stomping his feet and whipping his head around, he screamed, "I SAID MAGNUM T.A, NOT MAGNUM P.I!"
Presently, Johnny hopped out of the shower, toweled off, and pulled on a fresh pair of pants. Bare chested, he stood in front of the mirror and flexed his twig like arms. Cut like a diamond, baby, wink. He jumped off the footstool, grabbed his shirt from the closed commode lid, and yanked it over his head. In his room, he sat on the edge of his bed and pulled his socks and shoes on. Lincoln, ever the stickler, was ready to go, his body dressed and his bags packed. Johnny tied his shoelaces, got a new paper bag from the stash under his bed, and sat it on his head like a queen's crown. "Ready?" Lincoln asked.
"Totally," Johnny said.
They slung their bags over their shoulders and went downstairs, lingering over an epic breakfast of Coco Puffs and Toaster Strudels. "I'm really stoked to see the trailer for Call of Honor: Spanish-American War," Johnny said.
"Yeah, that's gonna be awesome," Lincoln said, "I read online that Sony's gonna unveil a new console with every PSOne, PS2, and PS3 game built in."
Johnny choked. "Really? Dude, that's amazing!"
"It's gonna be really expensive, though."
"No dip. It'll probably retail for at least five grand."
Lincoln took a swig of orange juice, "I don't think it'll be that much. It's gonna be steep but if they make it too expensive, no one's gonna buy it."
"Dude, 5k for every single game across three console generations? That's actually a really good deal. I'd charge 10k."
Across the table, Lincoln snorted. "You'd go bankrupt."
"Yeah, if I sold it for less. How much money do you think it takes to make one of those? They gotta make a profit somewhere."
"They won't make a profit if it's so expensive no one can afford it."
For almost half an hour, they went back and forth in a similar vein, only stopping when Johnny's alarm went off, signifying it was time to leave. They left their bowls, the milk, and an empty cereal box on the table for Mom to deal with and dipped out, failing to close the front door all the way. Already, the morning was hot and bright, and the whine of a distant lawn mower scented the dry air. They walked across the street to 1216, climbed the steps, and knocked on the door. Lisa answered a moment later looking glum, and Johnny and Lincoln pushed her aside.
All of the Loud girls were shoved up together on the couch with varying expressions of anguish. Johnny felt for them...but he was going to E3, whoop whoop! "L and J in the hizouse!" Johnny cried. Lincoln pretended to scratch a record and began to beatbox. "E3, E3, E3 is the place to be," Johnny sang and shook his butt. Despite being black and cool, he radiated White Dork Energy. "Lori, Lincoln, and me, chillin and hangin at the place that's heavenly, we're goin to L.A. not Philly! E3, E3, maybe I'll buy a Wii! E3, E -"
"We're not going," Lori said.
The words died on Johnny's lips and Lincoln froze mid-scratch. "W-What?" Johnny asked.
"I said we're not going," Lori said and crossed her arms.
"No, no, no, no, no," Johnny said, panic creeping in, "that can't be. You're joking. Please, tell me you're joking."
Lana replied. "She's not joking. We're all grounded."
It took a few seconds for that to sink in, and when it did, Johnny doubled over in physical agony. Lincoln was white as a ghost, and tears brimmed in his eyes. "Why?"
"Because somebody clogged the toilet and won't take responsibility for it," Lori hissed. She glared at her sisters and they glared right back at her. "I know it was you, Lynn. You use waaay too much toilet paper."
"How do I know it wasn't you?" Lynn asked. "You were the one who found it."
"Yeah, by flushing and getting poop water all over my shoes!"
Lincoln and Johnny cringed.
"Until someone confesses, we're not going anywhere," Lori said with a sigh.
Noooo! Johnny had been dreaming of this his whole life. He was so close, he couldn't let it be snatched away from him. He couldn't...and he wouldn't.
An idea struck him. It was genius. "I'll handle this," he said. "Where's your dad?"
"Upstairs," Luna said.
Leaving the Loud girls to scowl at one another, Johnny and Lincoln went upstairs and found Lynn Sr. in the bathroom. He stood over the toilet with a snake and slowly turned the crank. A long, thin piece of metal slithered through the pipes, probing for obstructions, and it spun slowly with every revolution of the lever. "Lynn," Johnny greeted as sweetly as he could, "my man, my cooking buddy...my second dad. How's it going?"
By way of reply, Lynn grunted.
"Look, I know the toilet's clogged and the girls are grounded, but between you and me, there's no way Lori could be involved. She's mature and responsible. How about you let her go so -"
"No," Lynn said.
"But -"
"I don't know who clogged the toilet so everyone is grounded until I find out. I'm sorry, Johnny, but Lori is grounded."
Johnny sagged.
"What if we help you find out who did it?" Lincoln asked. "If we can prove it wasn't her, can she go?"
Lynn thought a moment. "I guess, but...hold on, I got something." He angled the snake like a deep sea fisherman and yanked back, sweating and grunting. Johnny grabbed him by the waist and pulled, and a moment later, they tumbled backwards, the snake landing on the floor. Lynn got to his feet and they all gathered around the fallen tool.
"It's a comic book," Johnny said.
Pulling on a random latex glove, Lynn picked it up with his thumb and forefinger. Richly colored panels filled with rainbows, cute, talking horses, and smiling suns met them, and all three of them cringed. "Ew, gross," Lincoln said.
"My eyes hurt," Johnny said.
Lynn looked like he was going to be sick.
"Now we have evidence," Johnny said. "And a prime suspect. Lincoln, we need a chair and a lamp."
Ten minutes later, after setting up a makeshift interrogation room in the attic, Lincoln and Johnny spirited away their prime suspect like the Gestapo vanishing a political dissident. They sat her in the chair and shone the light on her. She squinted her eyes and turned away from the blinding light. "Will you knock it off?" Lola asked.
"We know it was you who clogged the toilet," Johnny said.
"You're mistaken," she said tightly, "I did not do it."
"Oh yeah?" Johnny asked and held up the comic. "This has you written all over it. Princess Pony? Who pretends they're a princess, Lola? You. You pretend to be a princess."
Lola studied the comic and wrinkled her nose. "Okay, I'm girly and all, but that's too much. It's not mine."
The conviction in her voice was enough to convince Johnny that she was telling the truth. "Alright," he said, "you're free to go. Next suspect."
Leni walked in, looking around like she's never seen the inside of her own attic before, and sat down. "So, like, what did you want to see me about?"
Johnny shoved the light into her face and she shrank back. "You clogged the toilet."
"No, I didn't," Leni said, "I swear. I haven't even made potty today."
"You haven't?" Lincoln asked.
She shook her head. "I went pee in the shower this morning, but that was, like, an hour ago."
Hmmm. Of all the Loud girls, Johnny trusted Leni the most. She was sweet, kind...and dumb, which made lying really hard. She couldn't keep a lie straight if her life depended on it. He grilled her a little more, then let her go. Next up was Luna. "Nah, bro, it wasn't me. I'm not into pony stuff." Luan took one look at the comic and burst out laughing. "Me? Read that? You're funnier than I am, John. You should do stand-up."
When he showed the comic to Lynn, she fixed him with a deadly sneer. If looks could kill, he'd be six feet under by dinnertime. "Okay, uh, you're free to go," he said and flashed a nervous smile.
The last suspect was Lucy. Johnny had grave doubts that she was the culprit, but he had to be thorough: His trip to E3 was on the line. Lincoln turned the spotlight on Lucy and Johnny leaned over her in an attempt at being intimidating. "We know you did it, Luce."
"I didn't do anything," Lucy said. Normally, her voice was as flat as three day old soda, but now, there was something there.
She couldn't be responsible...but he proceeded like she was. "Yes you did. You flushed a comic book down the toilet and flooded the bathroom, now you're selfishly letting your sisters suffer for it."
"LIE!" Lucy barked. Passion colored her voice and an angry red blush spread across her face. Her hands fisted in her lap and began to shake. "IT'S NOT MINE!"
"Are you sure about that, Luce?" Johnny asked. He looked at Lincoln and nodded. Lincoln picked up a strange looking contraption and sat it on Lucy's head. "This is a lie detector. Confess now or we'll take the results straight to Lori."
For a moment, Lucy considered his proposal, then sighed and hung her head. "Alright, it's mine. I was reading it on the toilet and someone was coming, so I panicked and flushed."
"Why?" Johnny asked.
"Because my sisters will make fun of me if they know I like Princess Pony."
Lincoln and Johnny exchanged a confused glance. "Who cares what they think?" Johnny asked.
"Yeah," Lincoln said, "why do you even care?"
Lucy sighed. "Because I don't like being made fun of."
"Okay, fair point, but it's not right for you to hide it and let all of your sisters be punished over something you did."
Lincoln nodded. "Part of growing up is owning your mistakes...and owning who you are."
Kneeling down, Johnny laid his hand on her shoulder. "Lincoln likes lots of lame stuff, but he knows I like lame stuff too. If I make fun of him, he makes fun of me."
"It's true."
"If you own up to what you did," Johnny said, "we'll help you out. And...I'll let you kiss me."
Lucy perked up. "Okay." She grabbed Johnny's face in both hands and pulled him into a big, closed lipped smooch. When it was over, she was blushing and panting for air. Johnny couldn't lie: Being kissed by Lucy wasn't as weird and unpleasant as he thought it would be. "Ready?" he asked.
She jumped to her feet. "Ready."
Downstairs, she stood between Lincoln and Johnny for moral support. She took a deep breath and said, "I'm the one who clogged the toilet. That Princess Pony comic...is mine."
Everyone looked at her, then started laughing. Lucy hung her head in shame and drew a dejected sigh, and next, something strange happened.
Johnny got mad.
"You people have no right to laugh," he snapped. "Lynn, you got teeth like swiss cheese. Lana, you literally eat dog turds. Luan, I've heard better jokes from third graders. Luna, you play like Sid VIcious. Just strum the guitar and look good. Leni, you're dumb. Lola, you're snooty." He insulted Lisa, Lily, and, finally, Lori.
When he was done, he was flush and shaky.
All of the Loud girls looked at him with slack-jawed shock.
"Okay, then," Lori said and got to her feet, "enjoy not coming to E3 with me."
Johnny looked at Lucy. A moment ago she looked like he was on the verge of tears, but now she was smiling. "We will," he said, "now run along and don't let the door hit you on the way out."
Not going to E3 sucked, but there are some things in life that mean more than video games, and standing up for what you believe in - and who you believe in - is one of them.
Johnny regretted nothing.
THE END
