In their earlier years, Johnny and his brother Lincoln weren't exactly what you would call popular. They scammed other kids left and right and got picked on by bullies. They ate lunch by themselves, girls crinkled their noses in disgust every time they walked by in the hall, and the teachers all treated them like they were a couple of losers. They got less respect than Rodney Dangerfield and couldn't fight for their honor because Dad would tear them up with his belt. Imagine a 300 pound black man with arms as big around as tree trunks taking his strap to your backside. That was before his wrestling addiction really took over. These days, he'd probably hit them up with a steel chair.
Anyway, where were we?
Oh, right.
Lincoln and Johnny were pretty much the most uncoolest dudes in school. Somewhere along the way, things changed. They stopped swindling people and started selling stuff from their lockers, and since they always had the hook up on candy, soda, and bike repairs, all at basement bargain prices, people started sucking up to them. In a bid to expand business, Johnny started fronting kids certain items. If you wanted a Coke, you could have one...but you had to pay later. Because he was the only game in town, so to speak, kids always paid him back, that way they didn't get cut off. For a while, Johnny even ran a little side hustle called Homework Solutions LLC. Got math homework you don't know how to do? Give it here, blood. He charged five bucks a pop, ten for math and science. Those weren't his strongest subjects, so he had to take them to Lisa and pay her a little something.
By the beginning of the year, Lincoln and Johnny's names were ringing from one end of school to the other and at long last, they finally had that respect. Kids would dab them up in the hall, girls flirted with them, and the popular kids let it be known that they could eat with them anytime they wanted.
Gangsta.
Johnny tried not to let his newfound popularity go to his head, but sometimes it did. He'd swagger around like he was hot stuff and make fun of weaker kids when he had an audience...especially if Chandler McCann was around.
Chandler was probably the most popular guy in school. His father worked at the sewage treatment plant on the west side of town and every year for his birthday, Chandler would bring lucky few kids out there for an ill, poop-scented party. Getting an invite to one of those parties meant you had arrived, like Weird Al parodying your song or SNL roasting you on Saturday night. There was no greater status symbol and Johnny wouldn't truly feel like someone until he had one of those famous invites in his hand.
And he wanted to be someone.
Bad.
His whole life up until now, he was a joke, a clown, the kind of guy who's always down on his luck. He was an outcast, a freak, a paper bag wearing spazz who always got picked last for dodgeball and never got any cards on Valentine's Day even though everyone in his class was literally supposed to give each other something. Now that the tide was turning and he could taste the cool, sweet air of respectability, he wanted more. He wanted all of it. He wanted cheerleaders hanging off of his arms, he wanted kids too look up to him, he wanted to make everyone sick with envy. He wanted to be as popular as Chandler one day. No, he wanted to be more popular than Chandler. He wanted a clique of millions and more lips on his butt than Vince McMahon. He wanted power, money, respect. And getting in good with Chandler was the way to get all of it.
First, Johnny tried to impress him by picking on Stuart Finkle.
Stuart was in his Johnny and Chandler's third period math class. This kid was like four foot tall, wore his sandy blonde hair in a bowl cut, and had a high, wispy voice that made him sound like a girl. He played Yugioh with some other dorks during lunch (including this black dude who was otherwise a straight G) and drew crudely rendered pictures of anime characters. He created an OC called Marigi who was basically a combination of Mario and Luigi and uploaded videos of himself to YouTube where he raged at trolls, bullies, and Republicans. He had zero understanding of politics and just parroted what his liberal middle class parents said. When he tried to think for himself, he wound up blaming Republicans for things they didn't even do. My parents taxes went up, he screeched in one video, stupid Republicans, t-thanks a lot now we -I - can't get the new Lego set there that I really wanted for my - that I really wanted for my birthday.
Like brah, the Republicans hate taxes and the Democrats control the senate, house, and White House. What are you talking about?
On another occasion, he said he agreed with lower taxes, school choice, and gun rights, and said Donald Trump was the best Democratic president ever.
...was he trolling? Look, if you're down with the Dems, cool, if you're rocking with the Republicans, whatever, Johnny didn't really care, but, c'mon, Stuart, do you even know what you're talking about? Or are you just pooping words out to pad your uploads?
Someone, Johnny couldn't remember who, said that Stuart was autistic. Johnny knew the word "autism" but had no idea what it was. He thought it was like Down Syndrome. In which case, Stuart probably didn't have it. He was a weirdo, yeah, but he didn't drool and poop on himself, so he was straight. Still...he wasn't entirely there, you know? One time, the kid behind him was kicking his seat. Outta nowhere, Stuart jumped to his feet, spun around, and thrust his finger out like dude in Invasion of the Body Snatchers. "STOP KICKING MY SEAT!"
The whole class fell out laughing.
Johnny felt kind of bad for him and didn't mess with him, but Chandler ran down on him hard, and to curry Chandler's favor, Johnny occasionally took potshots at him, Just the other day, Stuart snitched on Cristina for passing notes with Jordan. Just messing around, Johnny said, "I'mma come get you tonight, rat." Stuart jumped up, screamed, and ran out of the room. Chandler laughed until he cried and Johnny flashed a tight smile. He didn't mean to scare the kid, he was just teasing.
Now he felt bad.
Later on, he sought Stuart out during class change. He was at his locker and when he saw Johnny, he growled. Ignoring that, Johnny said, "Hey, Stuart, I, uh, I was just playing earlier, okay? I'm not going to get you or anything. I'm...I'm sorry if I, you know, scared you or anything."
Stuart glared at him, then slammed his locker closed, making Johnny jump. "You can't get me 'cause you can never find my house." With that, he spun around, threw his arms behind him, and Narauto ran into the crowd.
Okay.
From that point on, Johnny left Stuart alone, but continued sucking up to Chandler. He gave him free cans of Coke and bags of chips, lent him money, and sat at his table during lunch for two weeks straight. Lincoln, Stella, Liam, and Sid looked at him funny, but he didn't care. "I wanna be invited too," Lincoln said one night at home, "but you're taking it a little too far. I mean, look how brown your nose is."
"My nose is always brown, white boy," Johnny deflected.
"Yeah, well it's extra brown since you started putting it up Chandler's butt."
Johnny's face darkened. "Pull up," he said.
Lincoln got off his bed and walked over. Before they could fight, Mom called them for dinner. Johnny intended to wet Lincoln up later on, but by the time they were finished, he didn't really care anymore. It was kind of true, he was brown nosing, but only because he wanted the status that going to Chandler's birthday party would bring. If he had to kiss up a little, oh well, it would be worth it in the end. All the other kids would look at him the way Greeks looked at Gods on Olympus. He would be celebrated and beloved. Was kissing some butt really too high a price to pay for all that? Maybe Lincoln thought so, but Lincoln was sperg who probably liked wrestling on the DL. What he thought didn't matter. Go back to your toxic white boy class and learn to shut your mouth.
As Chandler's birthday got closer, Johnny stepped up his simp game. He carried Chandler's books, held doors open for him, called him "sir" and ran behind him like a dutiful manservant. When Chandler said "frog", Johnny jumped like his name was David Lee Roth. One time, Johnny and Chandler were walking home, Johnny carrying Chandler's books, and they came to a random puddle. Johnny took his paper bag and covered the puddle with it so that Chandler wouldn't get his feet wet. "Here you go, Mr. McCann."
Chandler didn't even say "thank you."
In fact, Chandler showed no appreciation for the things Johnny did whatsoever. After a while, he even started ordering Johnny to do things for him. "Yo, Velazquest, grab my tray. And it better have a Coke on it." He eventually had Johnny bringing the whole table their tray, and then dumping them when lunch was over.
"You like watching those prison videos so much," Lincoln said on their way home one warm, breezy afternoon, "there's a name for people like you."
Johnny sneered. He already knew what he was going to say. "Don't even."
Oh, but he did. "Punk. You're Chandler's punk and it's hard to watch. I used to respect you, Johnny. Now you're a straight jizzil." He threw his book bag down. "Carry my stuff, punk."
"You won't be saying that when I'm at Chandler's party and you're playing Pokemon with Stuart and his crew." He bent down, picked Lincoln's bag up, and flung into the street, where a school bus promptly ran it over.
Lincoln's jaw dropped. "Dude! My phone was in there!"
By way of response, Johnny shoulder-checked him. "Too bad."
He left Lincoln to scoop the sad remains of his backpack from the street and went home, fuming...not at Lincoln, but at Chandler. Lincoln was right, Chandler was treating him like a punk and he was starting to get sick of it.
Luckily, Chandler's birthday was next Friday and the invites should be out soon. Once Johnny was in, he'd stop letting Chandler run down on him. By then, he'd have what he wanted and he'd be well on his way.
On Monday, Johnny was walking down the hall behind Chandler and his gang, his arms loaded with their books There had to be at least ten of them and Johnny's arm muscles strained so much that tears welled in his eyes. Stella and Sid walked up. "Hey, Johnny."
He started to reply, but Chandler shot him a dirty look. In Chandler's book, Sid and Stella were dorks, and wE dOn'T tAlK tO dOrKs. Yeah, they were lametards, but they were also Johnny's friends. He looked between them and Chandler, torn between his buds and his budding popularity. "Get lost, dweebs," he blurted. Chandler nodded, pleased, and Sid and Stella looked hurt.
Now Johnny felt bad.
He started to apologize, but they turned their backs on him and walked away.
"Forget about them," Chandler said. "You're with me now."
Yay.
Friday afternoon, Johnny sat with Lincoln, Sid, Stella, and Lincoln instead of Chandler. He wanted to make things right with Sid and Stella, but the moment his butt touched the seat, they got up. "We don't wanna cramp your style, Johnny," Sid said.
"Yeah, we're not good enough to eat with you," Stella added.
"Guys," Johnny began, "it's not -"
They walked away.
Again.
Johnny sighed and hung his head. A moment later, however, he perked up. Chandler was walking through the cafeteria and handing out invites. Oh boy, all of his hard work was about to pay off. A big, Cheshire grin spread across his face and he rubbed his hands crisply together. Status and respectability, here I come.
"You're a real loser, you know that?" Lincoln said. "You chose that jackhole over your friends and your brother. You -"
Chandler walked over and handed Lincoln an invite. "Here you go, brah."
"- holy crud, I'm invited!" Lincoln pumped his fist like a redneck at a Jerry Springer taping (Jer-ry! Jer-ry!). Johnny sat up straight, adjusted his paper bag for maximum sophistication and held out his hand.
Without even looking at him, Chandler wheeled around and walked away.
It took a second for the snub to sink in, and when it did, Johnny's heart sank like a stone. No...this couldn't be...there had to be a mistake. "Hey!" he called out. Chandler stopped and looked at him. A hot blush burst across Johnny's face and he could suddenly feel everyone looking at him. Everyone except for Lincoln, that is. He was too busy banging his head in celebration of being picked to attend Chandler's party. "Uh...y-you forgot mine."
Looking him dead in the eye, Chandler said it. He really said it.
"No I didn't."
Kids snickered behind their hands and whispered to one another. Johnny gaped in disbelief, and Chandler shot him a poop-eating smirk, then walked away. Burning with shame, Johnny spun in his seat and lowered his head. Why? He did EVERYTHING for Chandler. Lincoln didn't do anything and he got an invite? What BS! "I don't get it," he said more to himself than to Lincoln, "I did everything right."
"He doesn't respect you, bro," Lincoln said. "If you played it cool, he would have invited you, but you didn't. You acted like a total simp. I told you it was hard to watch."
Johnny sighed. "You're right." He watched Lincoln from the corner of his eye. "Are you gonna...still go?"
"Yes," Lincoln snorted. He got up and waved the invite around. "Have fun washing your hair."
I deserved that, Johnny thought. He hit his head against the table with a hollow clunk and winced at the pain. He deserved that too.
After school, Johnny walked home, head down and feet dragging. Lincoln prattled on and on about how much fun he was going to have at Chandler's party, a happy spring in his step. When it became too much for him, Johnny slipped away and walked aimlessly downtown, feeling bluer than a frozen Smurf. He thrusted his hands into his pockets and stared down at his feet. Not being invited to Chandler's party was bad, but you know what really stung? The humiliation of it all. He bowed down and kissed Chandler's feet in front of everyone and made himself look stupid. He could have come back from it...but not now. Chander drove the final nail into the coffin and turned him into a laughingstock.
Ugh.
He could never show his face in that school again.
Lost in thought, Johnny had made his way to Gus's Grub and Games by pure accident. Since he was here, he decided to drown his sorrows in a large meat lovers' pizza.
Inside, the restaurant opened on the left and the arcade to the right, a forest of arcade games dinging, flashing, and inviting him to step right up, unlike Chandler. Johnny sat aat one of the red vinyl booths along the far wall and gave his order to a harried waitress who couldn't be more than a few years older than him. She brought him his drink and he looked around while sipping it. School had just let out and the crowd of kids who packed the place every Friday and Saturday night hadn't shown up yet, so the arcade was mostly empty save for a few high schoolers.
One of them was Lori Loud.
She stood at the Ace Savvy vs The Crimson Chin cabinet manhandling the joystick and mindlessly smashing buttons. From the expression on her face, she was losing, and bad. Johnny called out to her, but at the exact same moment, poppy eighties music blared from the overhead speakers, drowning his voice out.
Jump, jump for my love
Jump in and feel my touch
Johnny waved his arms, but she didn't see him. He considered leaving her alone, but he needed the distraction, so he finished his drink, got up, and walked over. Lori slammed the machine and called it a bad name. "Did you lose?" Johnny asked.
She looked over her shoulder and relaxed. "Hey, Johnny."
Digging in his pocket, Johnny pulled out two coins and dropped them into the slot. "Wanna play?" he asked.
"Sure," she said.
She chose Ace Savvy and Johnny picked The Crimson Chin because it was either him or Cleft the Boy Wonder, and no one liked Cleft the Boy Wonder.
Onscreen, Ace and Chin faced each other across a brick courtyard littered with skulls. Lori mashed buttons and Ace attacked. Johnny countered and Chin hit Ace with a flying kick. "So what's new with you?" Johnny asked.
Lori swiveled the joystick and Ace hit Chin with a super punch. "Not much," she said. "Bobby has the chickenpox so guess who literally gets to miss prom tonight?"
Ouch. "You too?"
Lori looked at him funny, and he explained: Chandler...party...invite, blah, blah, blah. "He sounds like a little toad," Lori declared.
"He is," Johnny said. "And a creep."
Out of nowhere, Ace hit Chin with his finishing move - the fifty-two card pick up - and Chin exploded into exactly fifty-two bloody chunks. "I was really looking forward to this," Lori sighed, a note of bitter disappointment creeping into her voice. "It's Romance Under the Sea and Bobby and I were literally going to be Sea King and Sea Queen." Her voice quavered with emotion and she sniffed deeply. Johnny peeped her in his periphery, and was shocked to see unshed tears brimming in her eyes.
Lori Loud was one of the mentally and emotionally strongest people Johnny knew. She was basically responsible for the day-to-day management of her sisters and to handle the Loud girls, you have to be tough. She didn't cry or get upset over nothing at all. If she was on the verge of crying over something, it was serious. It's just a dance, though, Johnny could hear an unseen audience saying. Yeah, it was just a dance...but it was important to Lori. We all put our hearts and emotions into things that might seem insignificant to others, but mean the world to us. Lori clearly did that with this dance, and she was broken up that she couldn't go.
He just wished there was something he -
An idea struck him.
"How about we go together?" he asked.
Lori looked at him like he had lobsters crawling out of his ears and opened her mouth to say no, but thought better of it. "Well...I did already buy the dress." She stroked her chin and furrowed her brow in contemplation. "Okay. You can take me to prom, but you need to do something about...that." She gestured vaguely at him.
"About what?" Johnny asked, not understanding.
"About everything," Lori said. "You need to clean up, wear a nice suit, fix your hair, lose the paper bag, act like you have class…"
Johnny waved her off. "Oh, come on, my middle name is class."
For a second, Lori mulled it over. 'Alright. Pick me up at eight. And don't be late."
When she was gone, Johnny let out a pent-up breath. "My middle name is Class...and my first name is No."
As much as he hated to admit it, Johnny was basically a caveman. A smart, handsome, and intelligent caveman, but a caveman nonetheless. He didn't know the difference between a salad fork and a fork in the road. Would he even need that knowledge? It was just a dance, right? It's not like they were going to be served a four course meal. Or were they? Johnny was a kid, he knew zilch about prom. He'd been to a few elementary and middle school dances, but prom was the big time.
Those thoughts and more battered Johnny as he walked home. Okay, he needed to clean up so he at least looked presentable.
Ha! How would he look presentable without a suit?
An idea came to him and he whipped out his phone. "Leni? Look, there's no time to explain. I'm taking Lori to prom. I need a suit that matches her dress and I need it over here ASAP."
"Got it," Leni said, "give me one hour."
"Great."
He hung up and went into the bathroom.
First, he took a hot shower and scrubbed his feet and armpits extra hard because those were his stankest places. He washed and conditioned his hair. Getting the knots out brought tears to his eyes, but he did it. Next, he got out, wrapped a towel around himself, and stood in front of the mirror. He brushed his hair until it was as silky smooth as he could get it then pulled it back into a ponytail. He brushed, gargled with mouthwash, and flossed. He sat on the edge of his bed and clipped his nails and cleaned his ears. He was just finishing up when a knock came at the window. He got up and walked over. Lisa stood on a hydraulic lift, Lana and Lynn operating it from the ground. Johnny opened the sash and Lisa handed him a box with pair of dress shoes on top. "Your kindness knows no bounds," Lisa said.
"Just doing what anyone would," Johnny said humbly.
"You're as sweet as you are aesthetically pleasing," Lisa said.
Johnny smiled nervously.
Once she was gone, he opened the box to find a three piece suit. The pants and jacket were turquoise and shimmery, much like scales. A purple codpiece shaped like a clam covered crotch and a belt made of shells was coiled on top.
Lori really took the aquatic theme seriously, didn't she?
Oh well.
When in Rome.
Johnny put on deodorant and got dressed, then spritzed himself with cologne and used breath spray.
Before leaving, he called a limo over. He didn't want to blow all of his money on a glorified taxi cab, but he wanted tonight to be special for Lori.
At eight, Johnny went across and knocked on the door. Mr. and Mrs. Loud ushered him in and proceeded to bombard him, Mrs. Loud with photos and cheek pinches and Mr. Loud with stern admonishments to "treat my little girl right."
Dude, your little girl is bigger and stronger than I am. She needs to treat me right.
The Loud girls all clustered around. Lynn snorted laughter and said he looked like a flounder, Lola swooned, and Lucy complained that his clothes were too colorful. "You look much better in black."
Shortly, Lori swept down the stairs like a queen in a flowing dress the same color as his suit. Clams covered her chest and she wore some kind of headdress that looked like a tangle of seaweed stuck with crayfish, shrimp, and starfish. With her hair and make up done, she looked pretty...which was strange. He wasn't used to seeing Lori look nice. He'd always seen her as, well, Lori, but right now, he was painfully aware that she was more than that. She was a girl...and kind of a hot one at that.
Mrs. Loud had them stand close and snapped their picture. Johnny's phone buzzed and he checked it. "Our limo is here?"
"Limo?" Lori asked, impressed.
"I told you, my middle name is class."
Mr. and Mrs. Loud told them to have fun and sent them on their way. The limo sat at the curb, the driver standing by the back door. He opened it as they approached and Johnny gestured for her to get in first. She lifted the hem of her dress and climbed in. The seats were leather and the foot room spacious. There was a TV and a mini bar stocked with soda and sparkling cider. Oh, man, this was so expensive.
The glowing look on Lori's face was worth it, though. "Wow," she marveled in a low voice and looked around, "I've never been in a limo before."
"This is how I roll," Johnny said. In actuality, he'd never been in one either.
The driver slammed the door, slid in behind the wheel, and set a course for Royal County High. Johnny popped a bottle of sparkling grape juice and filled two glasses, handing one to Lori. They clinked and drank. "This is literally amazing, Johnny. I'm going to the prom in a limo and…" she trailed off and heaved a sad sigh.
"What's wrong?"
She frowned. "I wish Bobby was here. No offense to you."
"None taken," Johnny said. "I get it, he's your boyfriend and this was supposed to be a romantic evening for the two of you. I can't do the romance part, but we can still have fun...as friends."
Lori nodded. "Yeah. You're right. We can have fun."
Five minutes later, the limo pulled up to the school, and the driver got out to open the door. Johnny and Lori climbed out and followed the walkway to the gym, where greenish light poured from an open door. Lori threaded her arm through his, and they went in together.
If Lori Loud took the underwater theme seriously, the prom committee took it dead serious. The gym was decked with shells, nets, streamers, and piles of sand here and there. A band played on stage, all of them dressed like divers (complete with flippers and scuba tanks) and kids danced with one another, most of them in sea related garb much like Lori's. Johnny spotted a fat guy wearing a pink shirt and a pair of Bermuda shorts like Patrick Starr and made a mental note to high-five him as soon as he could.
The first thing Lori and Johnny did was take pictures together. For one, Johnny jumped up and made a V sign behind her head, and for another, she rested her elbow on top of his head. "Now act like we're mad at each other," Johnny said. She crossed her arms and glared at him and he turned his back on her but glowered over his shoulder. They couldn't keep straight faces and wound up bursting out in laughter.
Next, they stopped at the punch bowl and Johnny filled up two glasses. A group of Lori's friends, almost-grown women that he'd never met in his life, surrounded them. "Who's your little friend, Lori?" one asked.
"He's cute," another said and pinched Johnny's cheek so hard tears sprang to his eyes.
"Girls, this is Johnny, Johnny, these are the girls."
"Hi, girls," Johnny said. His cheek was still being pinched and his words came out garbled. "Cool party."
One of Lori's friends waved her hand. "I know, it's totally awesome."
The girls' dates drifted over and one by one, they went to the dance floor. Lori grabbed Johnny's hand and pulled him after. "Come on, I wanna dance."
Despite being a black man, Johnny didn't know how to dance. Like at all. Slow dances, well...those looked easy, but anything else was beyond him. Everyone was shaking, twisting, and swiveling their hips like Chubby Checker and Johnny watched, a lump of dread in his throat. How did they do that? They looked so loose, so...natural. Meanwhile, he felt clunky and awkward, like he'd fall over the moment he tried to do anything. Lori started to dance, hips swaying and torso lithely moving with hypnotic grace.
Not knowing what the heck to do, he copied her movements exactly. He was stiff and wooden, but he didn't feel like the biggest clown in the room. "You look tense," Lori said.
"I am," Johnny replied, "I'm not a good dancer."
"Just do what I do."
"I am."
"Do it better."
Johnny sighed.
As time wore on, he limbered up, and the moves came easily. After a while, the band struck up a slow song and the lights dimmed. All the couples cuddled up and started to dance slow. Lori and Johnny looked at each other uneasily, then decided to try. Johnny put his hands on her hips and she put her arms around his neck. Neither looked at the other, and finally, after a few moments, they separated by unspoken consent. While the others did their thing, Lori and Johnny stuffed their faces with horderves and talked.
Shortly, they got bored and left, hitting up Gus's for a rousing game of Ace vs Chin. Lori won twice and Johnny won once. They laughed and ate slices of pizza, then walked home, Johnny having sent the limo away. At her door, she turned to him. "Honestly, I thought tonight was going to be lame, but you surprised me and made it great."
Johnny blushed. "Well...I tried."
"Why?" Lori asked. "Why did you do this?"
"Do I need a reason to help a friend?"
Lori smiled. "I guess not. Thank you." She leaned over and kissed his cheek. Johnny's face burned and his heart slammed against his ribcage. Lori grinned at him and he tried to spak, but could only open and close his mouth like a fish.
"I have to go," he said and ran off.
"See you around!" Lori called and waved.
At home, Johnny lay in his bed, looking up at the ceiling and thinking of the kiss. Lincoln came home around eleven in a suit and poop stained goliashed. Johnny smelled him before he saw him. "How was it?"
"It was alright," Lincoln said noncommittally.
Johnny snorted. "Tell the truth."
For a moment, Lincoln was quiet...then beamed. "It was freaking awesome."
While Lincoln rambled on and on about the party, Johnny stared up at the ceiling, listening with a little smile on his face.
Chandler's party sounded great…
...but going to prom with Lori Loud was even greater.
