Lincoln Velazquest considered himself an expert in many fields...and one of them was girls. See, a lot of guys fail to understand something about girls: They're individuals. They think of girls as some homogeneous group with a single brain, goal, and set of likes/dislikes. They see girls the way Democrats see Republicans and Republicans see Democrats - that is, as a single entity. Lincoln had known a million girls in his life and could attest that they were not all the same. Take Sid and Stella, for instance. Both were Asian-American, roughly the same age, and had similar backgrounds. You might think they were mirror images of one another, but in actuality, they were as different as Jim Cornette is from Vince Russo. Stella was a cautious brainiac who didn't like getting her hands dirty - literally, she was OCD and washed her mits like ten times a day. Sid was rough, tumble, and liked getting hurt. Okay, maybe she didn't specifically enjoy pain, but she just looooved doing things that would result in her getting hurt, like kick flips, bike crashing, and building slapdash ramps to jump stuff. They both had their own way of seeing the world and approaching life.
This was a lesson Lincoln learned long before he met his current gf, the magnificent Maggie. His across the street neighbors, the Louds, had ten daughters, and each one of them was a complete and unique archetype unto herself. Lynn was the jock, Leni the dumb blonde, Luan the comdian, Lucy the goth, Lisa the genius, Lana the tomboy, etc. The Loud girls had the same parents, lived under the same roof, and learned the same values and principles, but their personalities were completely different. Now, where it mattered, Lincoln suspected that they were very much alike - all good, kind-hearted people and such - but their taste and perspectives were radically divergent.
One of the oldest debates in humanity was nature vs nurture. Every time someone killed a bunch of people, society argued with itself whether it was somehow responsible, or if the killer was a proverbial bad seed. Many people believed that nurture was the deciding factor, that killers (or people in general) are "made" rather than born. They pointed to poverty, abuse, and other external influences because it's easier to understand the darkness of the human heart when we have something to explain it. Natives once upon a time constructed mythological tales to account for phenomena they could not otherwise explain and people today do pretty much the same thing. It's in our nature, Lincoln reckoned, but not everything has a nifty explanation. Some things...well, some things you just can't explain, and that bothers some people so badly that they will grasp for answers anywhere they can.
The Loud sisters were a huge reason that Lincoln put more stock in nature as a stronger force than nurture. That wasn't to entirely discount the role of one's environment, culture, and upbringing play in shaping who they become, but people are often simply who they are, and nothing will change that.
A lot of people might call that long-winded philosophical BS (God knows internet anons did), but it was true. Lincoln sought to understand the world around him and the people who inhabit it. A lot of people don't do that. They fumble through life, amused by shiny things and obsessed with crap that didn't matter in the grand scheme of things. They made no attempt to attain a greater understanding and because of it, they were incapable of functioning in the world, strangers in a strange land who could not speak the language or comprehend the customs. As much as they rolled their eyes and pretended not to care, they knew, on some level, that they were outcasts, and over time, they became bitter and took their hatred out on the internet. It was all the more sad because they didn't have to be like that, they chose to be like that.
Lincoln was once intrigued, and then put off, by those people. Now, he just didn't care. If that's how people want to be, let them.
Anyway, to make a long story short, Lincoln understood girls in a way that many boys his age didn't. He did not take any special pride in that fact, or even think much of it, until one day he realized he could profit from it.
It was a gray, snowy day in late January and Royal Woods was digging out from underneath the fifth or sixth massive snow storm of the season. 2020 was a rough year what with the Pabstvirus and the Black People Are Important riots that swept the nation after the death of Feorge Goyd in Minneapolis. Everyone hoped and expected 2021 to be better, but six days in a bunch of Trump supporters wilded out at the Capitol Building. Yeah, sitting in the Speaker of the House's office and taking selfies of you pooping on her desk is bad, but one blizzard after another was even worse. Between January 1 and January 25, Royal Woods got nearly five feet of snow. School was out for a week, so it wasn't all bad...until the principal announced that the district would be making up for that lost week out of summer vacation. Usually, Lincoln hoped and prayed for a snow day, but knowing any days he got off would be waiting for him at the end of the year made him hope and pray they didn't have any snow days. Summer was short enough as it was, he didn't need them chipping off extra days because of snow.
Lincoln was sitting at his usual table with his normal lunch crew and working on a ham and cheese sandwich his mom packed for him when a friend of Liam's came over and sat down. His name was Poppa Wheelie and he weighed a good 175. His short brown hair was greasy and lank, and his chubby cheeks glowed a perpetual shade of red like he just came in from playing outside with no jacket. Lincoln didn't have much to do with Poppa because he used to make fun of him and Johnny, but he didn't actively hate the guy or anything. He could just do without him.
Because he didn't care about Poppa Wheelie either way, Lincoln didn't go out of his way to eavesdrop on his and Liam's conversation, but they were literally three feet away from him, so it was hard to miss it. Poppa had a crush on a girl named Kaylee and wanted to ask her out but he didn't think he had a chance in heck. "She's so pretty and I'm so…me," he said. "I don't know what to do."
"Why, you should ask Lincoln," Liam said, and Lincoln cringed. "He knows all about womenfolk."
SId and Stella looked at each other and burst out laughing. Lincoln's cheeks burned with annoyance and his brow lowered dangerously. "I do," he said pointedly, "but I'm really busy so I really don't have time. Sorry."
"Please, Linc," Poppa begged, "I'm desperate here."
"I can't -"
"I'll pay."
Lincoln snapped his mouth closed. Wait a minute. Did he say he would pay?
A devious grin spread across Lincoln's face.
There were many things Lincoln liked - Maggie, horror movies, making fun of his father's passion for professional wrestling and his mother's love of eighties music - but none of them as much as money. Lincoln's parents were broke and when he and Johnny were younger, they didn't have a pot to pee in and the other kids picked on them for daring to be poor. He and Johnny moped around and felt sorry for themselves for a while, then one day they decided to stop being babies and make something happen. Their grandma (Dad's mom) said, "The problem with y'all young black people is y'all wanna sit around and look sad. Y'all want expensive stuff but y'all ain't trying to work for it. What kind of man sits all day? If you young and healthy, you can work, you got no excuse to not be doing something. Mow somebody lawn and make you a couple dollars. It'd be a couple dollars more than you got now."
Granny was right. If they wanted things to change, they had to grab the bull by the horns and do it. At first they hustled but -
Wait, everyone already knows that story.
Anyway, Lincoln and Johnny had a whole slew of businesses under their belts. They'd monetize anything. Hey, like the way Johnny's paper bag ripples in the wind? Here, have your own...for five bucks. Could he really sell his services as a...hmmmm...dating doctor, though? He was observant and analytical, but, hey, love isn't exactly something you can bottle and sell, if you know what I mean. You can't make someone fall in love with you. That has to happen naturally.
Then again...he could potentially increase the chances of love blossoming. Think of it like this: You can't make your kid grow up to be a successful doctor or lawyer (he might become a junkie...remember nature?) but you could give them all the tools they needed to make it in life. How or even if they used them was up to them, but at least you created an atmosphere in which they could flourish. If he sold himself as the guy who could guarantee you the key to your crush's heart, he'd probably be out of business in a week, but if he billed himself as the guy who could help you while leaving the rest up to you, he could skate by even with a crappy batting average.
All of those thoughts crossed Lincoln's mind in the time it took Johnny to open his chocolate milk and take a drink. Poppa Wheelie was looking at him with a pleading expression and Liam with a big, goofy grin. Sid and Stella both rolled their eyes, and that more than anything else decided him. They didn't think he could do it. They thought he was some kind of joke. They didn't believe in him or in the insight he possessed.
Well...he'd show them.
"Alright," Lincoln said, "I can't promise anything but I'll give it a try."
Poppa Wheelie let out a sigh of relief and Sid and Stella giggled behind their hands. For as unalike as they were, they looked exactly the same, and it made Lincoln mad. "Yeah, laugh it up," he said.
"Oh, we are," Sid assured him.
The only thing that saved them from a sick retort was the ringing of the bell. "Meet me after school," Lincoln said to Poppa Wheelie.
Poppa Wheelie nodded and rushed off. "Do you think we can do this?" Johnny asked as they made their way to class.
'I don't know," Lincoln admitted.
As if on cue, the crowd thronging the hall parted, and Kaylee, the object of Poppa Wheelie's affection, appeared at the water fountain. She tucked her hair behind her ear, pushed the button, and leaned gracefully in for a drink like a gazelle at a watering hole. Tall, blonde, and slim, she wore her hair in matching ponytails. She wore a light blue sleeveless dress with a white collar, blue shoes, and white socks pulled up her knees. Lincoln didn't go for blondes, but even he had to admit: She was beautiful.
Johnny came to a halt and shot a nervous glance at Lincoln. Lincoln already knew what his brother was going to say before he said it. "You really think Poppa Wheelie has a chance with her?"
"Yes," he said, "he has a chance."
To himself, he added, Not a very good one…
That afternoon, Lincoln, Johnny, and Poppa Wheelie met in the science lab on the second floor. The building had emptied out and the only people remaining were them, a few secretaries in the front office, and the janitor, an old hippie named Tex who always smelled like burned hemp and called everyone "man" even ladies. Johnny and Poppa Wheelie sat at one of the tables and Lincoln stood in front of the blackboard with a ruler in his hand. "Alright," Lincoln said, "first of all, what do you know about girls?"
Poppa Wheelie scratched his head. "They like...pink and stuff?"
The ruler struck the board with a whip-crack report and Poppa Wheelie jumped. "Wrong," Lincoln said, "not all of them like pink,"
"A lot of them do, though," Johnny said and shot him a finger gun.
"That's not the point," Lincoln said. "Girls are just like us. They like different things, they want different things, and they're into different things. What works on one girl won't work on another. One girl might like it if you're prim and proper, another might prefer you to be a nasty, greasy mess. You never know until you know the girl. What's Kaylee like?"
Poppa Wheelie shrugged and blushed. "She's...really pretty and smells good and, uh -"
Grimacing, Lincoln slammed the ruler against the blackboard. "What is she like as a person? What is her personality? What does she like? What does she identify herself as?"
For a moment, Poppa Wheelie was silent. "I think she likes books."
"Anything else?"
Poppa Wheelie shrugged.
Not surprising, really. A lot of guys - even adult ones - are so blinded by a woman's beauty that they forget beauty is only skin deep. Lincoln likened it to coveting a car without taking the time to check under the hood. It didn't matter how pretty the girl was if she had a bad personality...or if the two of you simply weren't compatible. Take Luan, for instance. Lincoln used to have a huge crush on her, but once he met Maggie and the blinders fell away, he could confidently say that he and Luan probably wouldn't work as a couple. He appreciated her happy go lucky personality, but he didn't think he could handle puns 24/7. He couldn't see that from the depths of his own infatuation, but now he could, and he was kind of glad they never wound up together. Kaylee was smoking hot, that was undeniable, but that really didn't. It truly didn't. What matters in making a relationship work is how well you mesh with your partner. Yes, looks are important - you have to feel some kind of physical attraction for your significant other - but Lincoln knew of many men who were married to beauty queens, but were deeply unhappy. If you're just out for a booty call, you don't have to worry about who your partner is, but if you want to be with them, you need to worry about virtually nothing else. Ask yourself: Can we talk on the phone for an hour and not lapse into awkward pauses? If you can, you have a foundation. If you can't...there's probably nothing there.
That, Lincoln reckoned, was his job, to help Poppa Wheelie make that call and not run out of things to say. If he could do that, the ruddy little fatboi would have a chance.
"Alright," Lincoln said, "here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to follow her around. I'm going to learn everything I can about her, what she likes, what she doesn't, how she acts, how she thinks. I'm going to teach you all of this..then it's up to you to apply that to getting her to go out with you."
"But -"
Lincoln held up his hand "I don't want to hear it. I can only do so much. I can't wave a magic wand and make her like you. You have to do that yourself. I can give you all the resources you'll need but you have to put them together and apply them."
Poppa Wheelie sighed and slipped his fingers through his hair. "I'm just really nervous," he said. "What if she says no?"
Slapping him on the back, Johnny said, "Well, she says no. There's really not much you can do at that point."
"But I really like her," Poppa Wheelie moaned.
"If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be," Johnny said. "I wanted to see AC/DC on their Power Up Tour but guess what: I didn't get to. Girls are a dime a dozen, my friend, but there's only one AC/DC...and they aren't exactly young."
Lincoln grinned sardonically. "Angus is."
"Ha, ha, ha," Johnny said humorlessly.
They adjourned the meeting shortly thereafter. By then it was starting to get dark, and snow flurries fell from the ashy sky. Lincoln shoved his hands into the pockets of his jacket and ducked his head against the falling snow. Tomorrow, he would begin recon on Kaylee. He would take a week, maybe two, and then he would pass it off to Poppa Wheelie.
Hopefully he could handle it.
Deep down, though, Lincoln doubted.
The next morning, Lincoln and Johnny trudged through four inches of freshly fallen snow to school. The weathermen were talking about "a line of storms" tracking across the country; they were expected to hit Michigan like a one-two-three-four punch (per CNN). Lincoln was hopping mad because school would be out for at least a day or two, which meant his summer would be a day or two shorter.
Now he understood Dad's pain. Every time it snowed, Dad whined like Brett Hart. "I hate shovelling snow," he'd rage. "I hate the way it looks. I hate walking in it. I hate everything about it. I HATE SNOW." He'd then jump up and down like an idiot until he slipped on a patch of ice and busted his butt. Happened every time.
At school, he put his boots and coat into his locker, changed into a pair of tennis shoes, and hit the cafeteria. Kaylee sat at a table by the wall with a bunch of other girls. Lincoln went over to the next table over and sat as close to them as he could. Whipping out his phone, he pretended to scroll through Facebook while secretly listening in. He didn't glean much from the conversation other than Kaylee was bubbly. He hated that term for some reason but it described her to a T. She reminded him of Leni in that she came off as nice. Thank God, that made Lincoln's job much easier; if she was a butt-hole, she'd probably reject Poppa Wheelie out of hand and be mean af while doing it. It's easier, Lincoln believed, to get to the heart of a nice girl than it is to get to the heart of a mean girl.
For the rest of the day, Lincoln followed Kaylee around, eavesdropped on her conversations, and took notes. He wanted to ask her friends about her but he was afraid that if he did that, word would get back to her. Best case scenario, she'd get spooked and think he was some kind of stalker. Worst case, she'd think he liked her and wind up liking him back. That would complicate his mission and probably send Poppa Wheelie into a jealous -
An idea came to him, and he brightened...then dimmed again. No, that wouldn't work. If he staged a fight between himself and Poppa Wheelie over Kaylee's hand, Kaylee would be more likely to sympathize with the loser rather than the winner. Some girls might like a guy who'd fight for them, but from what he knew about her, she probably wouldn't.
That led to another idea.
He'd put that on the back burner for now. If Poppa Wheelie needed additional help wooing her, he'd think on it. For right now, he needed to focus on intelligence gathering.
It wound up taking him two weeks. He followed her after school, sifted through her garbage, climbed a tree and peered through her bedroom window, broke into her locker and rummaged through the contents looking for clues. On Friday, he skipped school, went to her house, and climbed in through her bedroom window - her parents were at work and he was alone. He went through everything and even read her diary. From that, he discovered that she loved animals, adventure novels, and dreamed of one day being a vet in the big city (though she did not specify which big city). Otherwise, she was entirely normal. She liked pop music, Disney movies, and her family. She had no hang ups, no dark secrets, and no bizarre proclivities.
At the end of the two weeks, he, Johnny, and Poppa Wheelie met once again in the science room after school. Lincoln sat a neatly typed report in front of Poppa Wheelie and crossed his arms. "This is everything," he said. "She goes to the library three times a week, walks her dog Buttons in the dog park on Ellison Avenue every evening around six."
Poppa Wheelie picked up the papers and paged through them. "What do I do?" he asked anxiously.
Lincoln perched on the edge of the table. "Well, how about this?"
He told Poppa Wheelie his idea, then looked at Johnny for input. Johnny nodded to himself. "That might work."
"We'll do it tomorrow," Lincoln said.
After school the next day, Lincoln, Johnny, and Poppa Wheelie met up at the Cujo Memorial Dog Park on Ellison Ave. They stood together behind a big tree and waited for Kaylee to show up, Lincoln watching the street. Lincoln convinced Lori to let him borrow Charles, the Loud family's dog, and Poppa Wheelie held a leash attached to his collar. Shortly, Kaylee walked out of the gathering gloom. "Alright," Lincoln said, "go over and start talking to her. Remember, she loves animals, wants to be a vet, dreams of the big city, and likes adventure novels."
Poppa Wheelie nodded. His face was beet red, and not from the cold, and his breathing was ragged. He looked like he was going to faint, and not for the first time, Lincoln wondered if Poppa Wheelie had what it took to get Kaylee interested in him.
"Alright," Lincoln said, "go on." He knelt next to Charles. "You know what to do."
The dog nodded.
Lincoln and Johnny watched as Charles led Poppa Wheelie across the park. Charles went right up to Buttons and Kaylee and Poppa Wheelie started talking. Johnny whipped out a pair of binoculars and watched. "What are they saying?"
"They're talking about dogs and snow," Johnny said.
"How is he doing?"
"He's stammering and kind of bombing."
Lincoln sighed.
Later on, Lincoln met with Poppa Wheelie and listened to his side of the story. "Okay, you need to keep talking to her."
The next day, they went to the library and contrived for Poppa Wheelie to bump into her. They struck up a conversation about their favorite books. In the next aisle over, Lincoln listened and was pleased by how well it was going. Poppa Wheelie named all of her favorite books as his own and she lit up. They sat and talked for a while, and by the time they left, Lincoln was beginning to think this was going to work.
Only it didn't.
Not exactly.
After a week, Poppa Wheelie asked her out on a date and she turned him down with the old "Let's be friends" routine. Poppa Wheelie had already paid Lincoln so his job was done, but Lincoln saw an opportunity to make a few more dollars...and to finally shut SId and Stella up. "They're not boyfriend and girlfriend," Stella said, "so you failed, Lincoln."
Oh yeah?
We'll see about that.
What could he do, though? You can't force love. Love had to arise organically.
For a good minute there, Lincoln was stumped...then he remembered the idea he had the other day. It wasn't guaranteed to work, but like everything he had done thus far, it would put the odds in Poppa Wheelie's favor.
Sunday afternoon, Lincoln put on his snow boots, five layers of clothing, coat, two caps, scarf, and mittens, and walked over to Poppa Wheelie's house, catching Poppa Wheelie alone. Sitting in the fat boy's surprisingly tidy room, Lincoln told him his plan, and Poppa Weelie's jaw dropped. "I don't wanna do that!" he cried.
"I know it's a little much -"
"You think?"
"But it'll give you the best chance," Lincoln finished. "I know Kaylee. She's a caring person and she will take this bait."
Poppa Wheelie sighed deeply.
"Trust me, okay? I've gotten you this far. If you don't want to, fine. Stay in the friend zone."
A look of terror flickered across Poppa Wheelie's face.
"That's what I thought," Lincoln said. "We'll do it tomorrow at recess."
Because it was the dead of winter and temperatures barely made it out of the teens during the day, recess was held in the gym. Lincoln strode in like a badass, put his hands on his hips, and looked around, spotting Poppa Wheelie standing by the wall. As expected, Kaylee was walking around the basketball court with some of her friends. She had gym right before recess and was still in her gym clothes: White T-shirt and dark blue shorts. Lincoln nodded to Poppa Wheelie, who nodded back, then walked over and fell in behind Kaylee. He took a deep breath and psyched himself up for what was to come.
Ready, he started panting, moaning in the back of his throat, and mumbling under his breath. After a moment, Kaylee looked over her shoulder, a look of concern on her face. "Are you okay?"
"Is that a shovel in your back pocket?" Lincoln asked, "cuz I am digging that butt."
Kaylee's brow pinched in confusion. "Excuse me?"
"If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?"
Kaylee's jaw dropped. "No! Gross!"
"I like a girl who plays hard to get. Why don't we go back to my place and play another game?"
They were passing Poppa Wheelie's position. On cue, he stepped away from the wall and approached Lincoln. "Hey, leave her alone," he said woodenly. He sounded like a bad actor reciting his lines.
Luckily, Kaylee didn't notice.
"Get lost, tubby," Lincoln said, "me and my girl are about to go make out." He flicked his tongue at Kaylee, and Poppa Wheelie pushed him.
Like a shot, Lincoln's fist crashed into his chest, knocking him back. He moved in for the kill and him with a one-two slap to each cheek. Poppa Wheelie tripped over his own feet and landed on the floor in a heap. Kaylee gasped, brushed past Lincoln, and knelt beside him. "Are you okay?" she asked worriedly.
"My face hurts," Poppa Wheelie slurred.
Kaylee looked up at Lincoln and narrowed her eyes hatefully. "What's your problem, jerk?"
Well, the hook had been baited and Lincoln's job was done, so he walked away without responding. The gym teacher didn't see the fight so nothing happened. He found Johnny and together they watched Kaylee help Poppa Wheelie to his feet and out of the gym. "Do you think it worked?" Johnny asked.
"I don't know," Lincoln said, "we'll see."
Two days later, Lincoln was sitting with his lunch group when Kaylee and Poppa Wheelie came in. Lincoln perked up and watched them like they owed him money. They had been spending a lot more time together since the incident in the gym, and Poppa Wheelie told him that Kaylee was really impressed by how he stood up for her. She worried over his stinging face like a mother hen and had barely left his side.
Those were good signs.
She and Poppa Wheelie stood in line, and when her hand crept into his, Lincoln jabbed his finger at them like Leonardo DiCaprio in that meme. "I did that."
He looked at Sid and Stella.
They weren't paying attention.
"You said I couldn't do it but I did. Ha."
Sid spared him a quick glance. "Cool," she said, then went back to her conversation with Stella.
"You made such a big deal about it when you thought I'd lose but now that I won, you're just going to gloss over it?"
They ignored him.
Johnny patted him on the shoulder. "They're just salty."
"I showed them," Lincoln muttered to himself, "I showed them good."
"You sure did, buddy," Johnny said.
"You sure did."
