Lyrics to Sawin' You Apart by The Merkins (2021)

Johnny V - aka Johnny the Bag when he and Lincoln played mobster - was a normal boy of twelve. He liked video games, dunking on boomers, watching horror movies with his old Pal Lucy Loud, and making money. He and Lincoln had built a dozen different businesses from the ground up and brought in enough cash every week that they never had to worry about running out of candy. In this world, where the cost of living outpaces wages and inflation runs rampant through the land thanks to Orange Man, Poopy Pants Brandon, and the brain dead zombies who love them, you gotta have a side hustle. There are no two ways about it. If you're not mackin' on some business, what are you even doing with your life?

His old pal Lucy was something of a writer and hung out in the online horror community. She rubbed elbows with semi-famous writers, aspiring writers, horror actors, and basically everyone else. From what she said, a lot of younger writers are so used to being chronically poor (and giant geektards) that they're perfectly fine with making no money from their craft. They do it "for the love." They'll submit stories to online 'zines that two people in the world read and pat themselves on the back like they really accomplished something. Those same people also looked down on self-published writers, which is funny, because they're both the same: No readers, no money, no self-respect. Even worse were the semi-famous writers, the ones everyone in the community knew and read. These guys (and gals) had some fans and made a little money, but nowhere near enough to even live in poverty on. Yet they threw their weight around like they were Stephen King at the same time they begged money on GoFundMe because they're too good for real work. Sorry, if you can't support yourself on your art, chances are, you're not good at it. Please, sir, stop and fill out an application. McDonald's might not be glamorous, but at least it can buy you a jawbreaker and some penny candy. Your writing can't.

Anyway, all of that to say, you gotta get if you don't want to starve. Johnny thought starving sucked, so he got every which way he could. He'd even shine random people's tennis shoes for some pocket change. Yeah, you might roll your eyes at him and think him some kind of bum, but he'd be at the movies chowing down on popcorn and candy while you sat home looking sad and wishing you had money.

Maybe his views on business weren't the norm for his age group, but otherwise, he was a totally normal kid in every way imaginable. He constantly had I'm an island boy stuck in his head, he complained that Rockstar hadn't released a new GTA game since 2013, and watched every movie in the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

Oh, and he made a lot of noise.

Johnny didn't care who you were, if you were under the age of at least fifteen, you were noisy. Even when he tiptoed he was loud. He didn't mean to be, honest, but he was. It's like his volume was perpetually stuck on eleven and had a defect so that it only turned up instead of down. Lincoln had this problem too. He weighed about as much as a bone dry feather but his tread was so loud that it could wake people in their grave. Mom and Dad were constantly yelling at them to be quiet ("Stop stomping in my house," Dad said even now, though they had been living with the Loud family for months but no one else in their life seemed to notice. Not Sid, Liam, Stella, not Ronnie Anne, and not even the Louds.

Which brings us to the point of all this seemingly random junk.

Johnny was noisy, but the Loud girls were ten times worse. When they got up in the morning to use the bathroom, it sounded like a herd of elephants on a rampage. The whole house shook, and Johnny was certain that one day, it would all come crashing down on them like a sloppy pile of Jenga blocks. The click of Lori typing on her phone echoed through the house at night like the clack-clack-clack of an old school typewriter, and every time Johnny passed by Lisa's room, he could hear the whir and hum of her machines and the constant creepy bubbling of her various techo potions. Lucy turning the page of a book was enough to make your ears bleed, and every two seconds, Lana and Lola competed to see who could scream loudest. Seriously, those two little blonde white girls fought worse than he and Lincoln did. A couple times, Johnny had to step in-between them to keep them from tearing each other to shreds. Leni's sewing machine sounded like the rumble of a passing jetliner, Luan's jokes (and subsequent laughter) was clear as a bell from three rooms away, and Johnny jumped every time Lynn bounced her ball against the wall.

They really lived up to their last name lmao.

Out of them all, the worst offender was Luna. Luna was the rock star of the family. She was actually a very talented musician who could play a dozen instruments with absolute professional perfection, but her two favorites just happened to be the two noisiest in existence: The drums and the guitar.

Electric version, of course. See, the acoustic version would be way too humble and quiet. Humble and quiet were not two words anyone would ever use to describe Luna Loud. At all times of the day and night, she would be shredding her beloved "Ax." Sometimes she'd break out in an impromptu cover of an Aerosmith or AC/DC song at midnight, and other times she'd wake the whole house with a tune of her own devising. She wrote her own music as well, a process that involved her screaming the lyrics at the top of her lungs, then changing, adding, and subtracting as needed.

Johnny liked loud music as much as the next guy, but not 24/7. There is a time and a place for everything, and then there's a time where said thing is not appropriate. For instance, he loved him some good gallows humor, but your grandpa's wake probably isn't the best place to start telling jokes about grave robbing (why didn't anyone want to play cards with Ed Gien? They were afraid he'd come up with a good hand LOLOLOLOLOLOL!). Likewise, a peaceful Sunday morning at 6am isn't the best time to whip out your best Slayer impersonation. Nothing against Slayer, or your talent, Lune, but in the words of the great Joe Brandon: C'mon, man. People are trying to sleep. Can't you save it for after breakfast?

He was virtually alone in his feelings, however. Mom and Dad had moved into the detached garage and turned it into a cozy little apartment, so they were rarely ever bothered. Lincoln didn't like it much either, but he bought this really expensive pair of noise cancelling earbuds that rendered him virtually deag when he put them on. The Louds were so used to it by now that they could sleep right through it like nothing was happening. Johnny had literally seen Luna playing Chevelle on her guitar with her amps cranked all the way up, and Luan was lying there snoozing like a champ. Johnny had no idea how they could do it but that they could was heartening, because it gave him hope that he, too, would get used to it.

That hadn't happened yet, though. Night after night, day after day, one on top of the other, Luna's constant rocking out drilled into the center of his head like one of those big earth cracking drills they use on oil fields. When it was warmer, he would go sleep in the backyard in a sleeping bag, but though he was the biggest snowflake in town, it was way too cold for that, so he was trapped inside. The few times he tried to ask Luna to tone it down, she pretended not to understand what he was asking. The last time, she promised that she would "chill a little on the noise," but the first chance she got, she went right back to it. Ugh, why, Luna? Why do you hate me so much? Haven't I been chill to you?

Seriously, at this point she was about to catch this fade. Johnny didn't want to kick her butt inside out, but he didn't know how much longer he could go on like this. On a cold and blustery Thursday morning in early April, with patches of snow still stubbornly clinging to the ground, Johnny verged between sleepytown and wakeup city. He had a pair of earphones on and had been listening to Lincoln's Merkins CD on repeat in hopes of drowning out Luna's music when it started. When he began to bob up from the recesses of sleep, Leatherface, the big, human mask wearing killer from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchise was just striking up "Sawin' You Apart," a parody of that country song Miley's Dad did back in the day.

You should be concerned

I'm big and I'm deformed

We'll reuse your bones when you are gone

Cuz I just killed your friends, pulled off all their skins

Then cooked and smoked their meat right off the bone

Nothing like a catchy little ode to cannibalism to start the day right.

I can tie your arms, attack and cause you harm

You're -

Apocalyptic white noise filled Johnny's skull and he sat up so fast that he smacked his head on the bottom of Lincoln's bunk. He let out a strangled cry and fell onto the floor in a tangle of blankets. The sound came again, and Johnny ripped the headphones off, only it wasn't coming from them.

It was coming from Luna's room.

Alright, that tears it.

Fighting his way out of the blankets, he got to his feet, pulled his pants on over his boxers, and stormed into the hall. A crack of light shone underneath Luna's door and the sounds of her strangling her guitar jangled his nerves. His brain pounded against his skull and he fell against the wall, his hands going to his head. For some reason, his mind went back to a YouTube video he'd seen of someone playing with Spongebob plushies, making them act out various scenarios. In one, Mr. Krabs kept rhyming "ole" sounding words. Bowl, toll, etc. One was swole, because the Squidward plushie had giant arms. Your arms are swole, Mr. Squidward. Johnny's head meat felt swole...as in, a throbbing, swollen mess. He pushed away from the wall and staggered to Luna's door, grabbing the handle and holding on for dear life.

He jerked the handle and went in like a cop with a warrant. Luna was in the middle of the room, banging her head and decimating the guiar, her fingers working feverishly along the fretboard. Her amps, both ten feet tall and looking like the Twin Towers only more purple, were facing him, their speakers thumping loudly.

"Luna!"

His voice was barely audible over the din.

"LUNA!"

Not hearing him, Luna jumped into the air and landed, knees bending. She hit a power cord so epic that the speakers exploded in a shower of sparks, plastic, and wiring. The force knocked Johnny off his feet and flung him into the hall. He hit the wall, landed on his butt, and slumped over. A second later, Luna was kneeling next to him looking scared. She ran her hands over his face like a worried mother checking her child for visible signs of injury, and Johnny's head spun. He blinked and looked up at her, and that's when he realized something.

Even though Luna's lips were moving, Johnny couldn't hear her. All he could hear was a loud, ear piercing ring. His heart squeezed in fear and he sat up. "I can't hear," he said, or thought he said. "I'm deaf!"

Panic filled Luna's eyes and she tried to calm him, her lips moving faster. Suddenly, the Louds stood around him, each one of them looking worried. They spoke to each other and to him but he couldn't hear anything. Mr. and Mrs. Loud helped him to his feet and Mr. Loud said something that Johnny couldn't make out. "I can't hear," Johnny said. He was beginning to hyperventilate. "I don't even know if I'm talking."

Leni and Lori helped him back to his room and sat him on the bed. They both spoke and he thought he could make out a few words but wasn't sure. Mrs. Loud poked her head in and said something. Lori spoke and Johnny shook his head. Her brow pinched in thought, then her face brightened. She whipped out her phone, fired off a text, and handed Johnny his phone. He picke it up and read the screen.

Get dressed, mom is taking you to the drs.

Johnny nodded.

An hour later, Johnny sat on an exam table while a doctor so old he probably sat behind Moses in the third grade checked him out. Johnny had hoped that his hearing would return but so far, the ringing persisted. It occurred to him that he might be like this forever, and his stomach churned like a stormy sea. The doctor pressed a cold stethoscope to his chest, listened, then took the earpiece out. He said something and Johnny favored him with a blank stare. The doctor leaned in and spoke very slowly, carefully enunciating each word. "Your eardrums are damaged. They should heal on their own but you might be deaf forever."

Johnny's heart sank.

Deaf forever?

He accepted and tolerated deaf people, but that didn't mean he wanted to be one of them. He wanted to listen to music and watch TV without having to divide his attention between the action and subtitles the way Lucy did with those dumb giallo moves she loved so much. He wanted to hear the tweeting of early birds and the lazy chirp of crickets at dusk.

He didn't want to be deaf.

Misery washed over him, and as Mrs. Loud led him out into the waiting room, he let out a deep, watery sigh. Luna was sitting in one of the chairs with her shoulders slumped and her head down, and when they came in, she jumped to her feet and rushed over, her lips moving at a rapid fire pace that Johnny found impossible to follow. Her mother put her hand on Luna's shoulder and said something to her. She nodded, and when she began to speak again, her lips moved much slower. "I'm so sorry, Johnny. I didn't mean to. I swear, dude, please forgive me."

Part of Johnny wanted to snap on her because this was totally her fault, but the sorrow and anguish in her face was so raw, so genuine, that he couldn't bring himself to do it. He drew a deep breath and said, "It's okay, Luna, I don't blame you."

Do you have any idea how weird it is to speak and not be able to hear the sound of your own voice? Johnny had never considered how important it was to hear yourself. Not being able to was like fumbling blindly through the dark.

"I'm...make it up to you," Luna vowed. He missed the second word of her promise, and it took him a little while to figure out that it was most likely gonna.

Mrs. Loud took him straight home from the doctor's. Mom and Dad were waiting and when he came in, Mom hugged him and smothered him in kisses and Dad laid one massive bear paw on his shoulder. He slipped Johnny a Post-it note and Johnny read it.

I'm proud of you in advance for becoming the first deaf professional wrestler. You will be the Zack Gowen of your generation.

Tears filled Johnny's eyes and he almost broke down crying.

He'd rather be deaf, dumb, and blind than wrestle.

Luna took him by the hand and guided him to the stairs. He didn't know where he was going, but he didn't really care. He was so depressed by all of this that he just wanted to cry into bed and die. Luna helped him to his room and they sat on the edge of the bed together. "I'm going to help you," she said.

"How?" Johnny asked.

"I'll be your ears."

That made Johnny want to smile and sob at the same time. "Thank you but I want my old ears back."

"Mom said it should be a week."

"Or never," Johnny said and sighed. He hung his head and stared down at the floor. Eventually, Luna put her arm around him. He got the feeling that she was talking to him, but he didn't have the energy to lift his head and see. After a while, she shook him and he looked up at her, "I have to go to school," she said. "I'm late but when I get home...on lip reading, okay?"

What about lip reading?

Oh, who cares?

He nodded, and she patted his back. She got up and left the room.

Now he was alone.

For most of the day, he laid in bed and stared up at the bottom of Lincoln's bunk. The ringing gradually faded until it was low and almost inaudible. His hope that his hearing would return soared, but then crashed because it didn't. He searched "temporary deafness" and a bunch of related stuff on Google, reading entire threads where people like him discussed their deafness. Some got better, some didn't; there seemed to be a roughly equal amount, but Johnny focused on the ones that didn't get better, convincing himself that they were the majority and that he, too, would remain deaf forever.

After a while, he got bored and started wandering the house. Dad, Mr. and Mrs. Loud, and most of the kids were gone for the day, and Mom was watching Lily; Johnny had never seen the house so empty, and tbh, it was kind of creepy. Even creepier was the crashing silence. The only thing he could hear was the crashing beat of his own heart and his own ragged exhilations.

At 3, Luna came home and pulled him into her room. They sat across from each other on her bunk and she spoke slowly. "Can you understand me?" she asked.

Johnny held up his hand, palm facing down, and dipped it quickly from side to side. Kind of.

"You should keep talking. Talking is impotent.

"Talking feels and sounds strange."

"I know but you Gretta keep doing eat."

Johnny chuckled and Luna, understanding, chuckled too. "Okay. I will teach you to read lips."

"You know how?" Johnny asked.

"Not really, but I can try."

Well, he supposed that was better than nothing,.

For the next three hours, Luna helped him through the literal ABCs of lip reading. She would say a letter and he would repeat it. Next, they moved onto simple phrases. She spoke slowly at first, then normally. In the beginning, Johnny had trouble understanding her, but then he gradually got the hang of it. He missed a few words here and there but he could read enough to know what she was trying to say. Luna's face brightened as she watched him learn, and they laughed together. At least Johnny thought he was laughing.

Depression overcame him again and he sighed. Luna's face dimmed and she sighed too. "I''m really sorry, Johnny," she said. "Dude, I feel so bad. It's all my fault."

Johnny shook his head. "No it's not. It's just something that happened. That's all."

Now it was Luna's turn to shake her head. "It didn't just happen. It was done. By me. I should have known better than to jam out that loud.

Well, yeah, she honestly should have, but like he said, stuff happens.

"I'm going to make it up to you again," she said again. "Don't worry about anything, I got you."

At dinner that night, the younger girls battered Johnny with questions. Lucy spoke so lowly that her lips barely moved, same with Lisa, and the gaps in Lana and Lola's teeth threw him off for some reason. He answered the best he could but some of their questions were completely lost on him. "You sound funny," Lola said gracelessly.

"I can't hear my own voice," Johnny said, "it sucks."

"I have been working on a pair of hearing aids for you," Lisa said. "They should be done in the next several days I...major surgery."

Johnny's heart sank. "I don't want surgery," he said. "Unless it's a last resort."

"That's what I was saying," Lisa said.

Oh, was it?

"I'll keep you informed," Lisa said.

If it came down to surgery, the last person he'd let mess around in his ears was a four year old. She was a super genius, that much was true, but she was still a toddler. He wanted a grown adult to do it, not a kid. Didn't matter if they were black or white, gay or straight, man or women, just as long as they were a whole adult.

The next day, Luna came into Johnny's room and woke him up at his normal time, since he couldn't hear his alarm. He had hoped that a good, long sleep would restore his hearing, but he was wrong. All that morning, Luna was at his side, helping him when needed and giving him emotional support the rest of the time. She walked him to school and helped him get to class, where she explained the situation to his homeroom teacher. When Luna went to leave, Johnny grabbed her hand. His heart was suddenly thundering and he realized he was terrified of her leaving him. "I'll be back at the end of the day," she promised.

Johnny sighed.

Without Luna, and cut off from everyone else because he couldn't hear, Johnny felt isolated and alone. At lunch, Liam, Stella, Lincoln, and Sid chatted back and forth, and he found that he wasn't quick enough to keep up with multiple people talking back and forth. He had to focus on one person, and by the time he darted his eyes to the other person, they were already well into their reply. He finally gave up trying to participate.

At the end of the day, he went outside and looked around. Luna was standing by the flagpole with her arms crossed over her chest. When she saw him, her face lit up and she gave a big, happy wave. Johnny grinned and walked over, nodding his hello. "How was your day, dude?" she asked.

Johnny shrugged.

"It's gonna take some getting used to."

Johnny nodded. Yeah, it was going to take a lot of getting used to. Hopefully he wouldn't have to; hopefully in a few days, this would all be over.

They walked home together, and hung out for most of the afternoon practicing sign language. American Sign Language was kind of clunky, so they made up their own system, each gesture corresponding to a certain phrase. They tried it out at dinner and had a full conversation without saying a single word. Feeling bold, he talked a bunch of smack about Lincoln, and Luna burst out laughing; everyone looked at her like she was crazy.

Over the next few days, he andd Luna spent tons of time together. They practiced and refined their language and Johnny sometimes went for hours without speaking a single word, which was rare for him, being a loud, excitable kid and all. Sometimes when Lincoln or Mom would talk to him, he'd automatically reply with hand gestures, forgetting that they weren't in on his and Luna's system. That kind of sucked since he had grown so comfortable using it, but it was pretty cool too; he liked that he and Luna had their own thing, it drew them closer together. He had always liked the rocker but now he felt a special connection with her, like she was the only person who truly understood him. In a way, she literally was. Luna, for her part, seemed to enjoy it just as much as him, if not more. She would wait for him outside school, and they would walk home together, leaving Lincoln and those other lame-os in their dust.

One day, he came home to find Dad parked in front of the TV watching AEW. Onscreen, Chris Jericho and MJF spun around and sang showtunes while women in sequin dresses did some stupid twenty three skadoo dance. Of all the stupid things to ever happen on a wrestling show, this was the absolute stupidest. Two guys who hate each other randomly breaking out in showtunes? It mnade Johnny's blood boil and reminded him why he hated wrestling so much. Finally having had it, he went up to Dad and started signing.

Wrestling is the dumbest thing in the world and every time I see you watching it, I lose a brain cell. I get it, you wanted to be a wrestler when you were a kid and play fight on national TV. Great, we all have dreams, but you need to cope. You're a fat middle aged man. You will never be The Rock. Heck, The Rock isn't even The Rock anymore. WWE and AEW have a combined viewership of, like, three million people, and I'm sure at least a million only have it on as background noise. Wrestling isn't cool anymore. It's for geeks. I've seen fewer nerds at anime conventions. I'd rather watch NASCAR than wrestling. At least NASCAR is a real, competitive sport. Wrestling is a soap opera for men. How many times can you watch a screwjob, a false finish, a heel turn, or a double countout? How many times can you watch the same moves and storylines rehashed? You need to get over it and find a new hobby. Be a normal dad and woodwork or something. Jeez.

Dad furrowed his brow as if he understood exactly what Johnny was saying. "One, you're in my way. How can I see who has the better dance moves if you're in my way? Two, if you keep throwing up gang signs, I'm getting my belt. Homie don't play that. Gangs are serious business, not something to cosplay about."

Johnny sighed.

Whatever.

He told Luna and she nodded. Yeah, his wrestling obsession is kind of cringe.

That night, he and Luna reluctantly parted at bedtime and Johnny fell asleep to the light ring in his ears that had become an ever present lullabye.

For a long time, he drifted on tides of sleep. After what seemed like an eternity, he was jostled awake by the sound of the alarm screeching its morning call to arms. He sat up with a start and slapped the OFF button. His head spun and his eyelids fought to close. He smacked his lips and scratched his head.

All at once, his heart jumped into his throat and his eyes widened.

Could he…?

"Hello?" he asked.

His voice was weak and tentative.

HE COULD HEAR!

Johnny jumped out of bed like a rocket and started to dance. He could hear! He wouldn't be deaf forever after all!

Bursting with excitement, he ran out into the hall and into Luna's room. Luna was already up stringing her guitar. "Luna!"

She looked up.

"I can hear again!"

Luna's jaw fell open and then she broke out in a giant smile. "You can?"

"Yes I can!"

She let out a squeal of excitement and swept him into a giant hug. She was slender and warm, and something about being in her arms felt right. He hugged her back and she rocked him from side to side. "That's great, bro, I'm so happy for you."

"I'm happy for me too." He hesitated, then looked up at her. "We can still, you know, hang out and sign if you want."

Her face positively glowed. "I'd like that," she said.

So would he, Johnny realized.

So would he.