Most mornings, Johnny woke before the crack of dawn, used the can, and enjoyed a breakfast of orange juice, sugary cereal, and a Red Bull. The Red Bill was the most important part because without it, he'd drag butt most of the day. It's not true that it gives you wings, but it does help you levitate off the ground a little. Just don't try to clear anything too high or you'll trip and fall flat on your face. He bought them by the case and hid them in the back of the fridge so that no one would steal them even though no one else in the house liked energy drinks except for Lynn, who crushed Bangs like Stone Cold crushed cans of beer. A few days after he helped Leni master the art of driving, Johnny woke to the alarm on his phone, turned it off, and rolled out of bed. Lincoln was snoring away in his bunk and Johnny climbed up, hanging onto the wooden frame like a tree monkey with dreads. "Yo, Linc," he said, "let's wake it up. The day is begun."
Lincoln snored even louder, as if to openly defy Johnny.
"Are you even sleeping?" Johnny asked and lowered his brow.
By way of response, Lincoln snorted.
Okay, this albino looking trainwreck was definitely awake. Johnny stabbed his finger into Lincoln's cheek, and Lincoln jumped. "What are you doing?" Lincoln yelled. His voice was thick and slurred and his eyes were pinker than Lola's dress.
Huh.
Maybe he really had been sleeping.
"It's time to wake up."
"Did you have to do it that way?" Lincoln demanded.
"You were playing possum," Johnny said.
"No, I wasn't."
Johnny jumped down, backing away from the argument because, legit, he was probably in the wrong. "Either way, get up. School's waiting on us."
"Forget school," Lincoln said and rolled onto his side, facing away.
Doing some quick (and very basic) mental math, Johnny concluded that they had just over an hour until they had to roll out. Lincoln didn't need to be up right now, but he had to be ready and willing when the clock struck none. Otherwise, Johnny would get in trouble, and if Johnny got in trouble because Lincoln was being lazy, he was going to snap that boy away like his name was Thanos.
Leaving Lincoln to his own devices, Johnny dressed, pulled his jacket on, and went to select a fresh paper bag from atop the dresser, only to realize he was out.
Darn.
He finally wound up liberating yesterday's headgear from the trash. It was crinkled and had a couple grease stains on it, but it was better than nothing. He opened the door and went out into the hall. Lola, Lana, Luan, Luna, and Leni were waiting for the bathroom and Johnny sighed. One of the biggest things he missed about his house was no waits for the john. All you had to do was just…go in. It was really that simple. His bladder twinged and he prepared for another long wait.
As soon as he walked up, though, something happened. All of the girls turned, smiled, and started talking over one another. He was able to pick out "Good morning, Johnny," "Hey, bro, how's it shakin'?" "Like, you totes look handsome today," and "you can take my spot." Johnny did the caveman Spongebob pose and looked around as they advanced on him. What was happening? Why were they being so gracious? Usually, they were grumps in the morning. If they weren't outright buttheads, they ignored him and each other. Now, though, they were grabbing him and arguing over whose spot he got in line. The bathroom door opened and Lisa popped out, bowing and sweeping her arm toward the toilet. The girls shoved him into the bathroom and slammed the door, leaving him dazed and confused.
What was all that about?
He had no clue, but hey, he didn't have to wait to pee, so it was all good.
Johnny used the toilet, washed his face, and brushed his teeth. When he opened the door, he jumped back with a scream, his hands going up in a sloppy and knee-jerk karate pose. Lola held out a can of Red Bull. "I got your drink."
"No," Lana said, "I got it."
The tomboy bumped her frilly sister out of the way and held out her own can.
"I got it first," Lola said.
Johnny's head spun. It was way too early for this.
He took both cans. "Uh, thanks, guys, I really appreciate it."
They donned matching smiles and looked up at him with big, adoring eyes that reminded him of creepy dolls he'd seen in horror movies. You know the ones. They're all pretty much the same. He let out a nervous chuckle and sidestepped them. He was almost back to his room when Luan popped up out of nowhere. "Hey, Johnny," she said. "You wanna walk to school together?"
"He's walking to school with me," Leni said, materializing on his right like a derpy ghost. "Then we're going to the mall."
Luna walked up and crossed her arms. "Nah, I got two tickets to The Bat Cave. He's gonna watch punk bands with me."
Not to sound arrogant or anything, but Johnny was used to being popular with the Loud girls (at least the younger ones). This, on the other hand, was pure madness, and seemingly out of left field. Why were they sudden;y fighting over him?
What did they want?
He knew the Loud girls well enough to know that they were not above kissing up to get what they wanted. He didn't know what their game was, but he was certain that they were fattening him up for the kill. Hey, bro, remember that concert I took you to? Now you gotta pay me back by being my roadie/slash for the next month. That trip to the mall? Lol, now do my homework. I gave you Red Bull, Johnny, now you have to play tea party with me every day for a month.
They were all talking over each other and giving one another dirty looks. "Guys," Johnny said.
The Loud girls ignored him.
"Guys?"
Louder.
Still, they ignored it.
Finally, he threw his head back and let loose. "GUYS!"
They all fell silent.
"Look, I appreciate all of your offers, but I already have plans this evening."
That wasn't a lie, but it wasn't the truth either. There was nothing specific on the ol' agenda, but there were definitely things he had in mind. Like chilling and watching old AVGN episodes in the dark.
He expected the girls to all get mad and attack him, but instead, they all smiled. "No problem, John," Luna said.
"It's totes okay," Leni said.
"Maybe next time," Luan said.
The crowd broke up and they all walked away peacefully. Johnny looked after them and scratched his head. Typically, if the Loud girls had a plan and you screwed it up by telling them no, they would get real spiteful, real fast. They never just shrugged their shoulders and walked away. The fact that they did made Johnny nervous. This wasn't over; they'd get back at him somehow.
Or maybe he was wrong, as he had been with Lincoln. Maybe they didn't want something from him. Maybe,,,he didn't know…they honestly just wanted to hang out.
Hm.
Shaking his head, he went back into his room and pulled his shoes on. Lincoln was sitting up and looking groggy. "I'm awake," he croaked.
"Good for you," Johnny mumbled.
Downstairs, Johnny went into the dining room and found a place set for him: A bowl of cereal, a glass of orange juice, and another can of Red Bull. Luna and Lucy stood on either side of his chair. "Hey, Johnny," Luna said. "We made you breakfast."
"It was my idea," Lucy said.
Luna shot Lucy a dirty look but didn't say anything.
Oh. God, not them too.
"Thanks," Johnny said.
He sat down and waited for them to leave, but they stayed where they were, grinning down at him. He didn't think the Loud girls would go so far as to poison him because he told them no, but he couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong here. He picked up his spine, skimmed it through the cereal, and lifted it to his nose, giving it a tentative sniff.
"Go on, bro," Luna said.
"We made it with extra love," Lucy said.
On a faith and a prayer, Johnny ate his breakfast. He didn't instantly keel over, so he assumed it was good. When he was done, they took his bowl away and he made his escape. He still had a good fifteen minutes before he had to leave, but he ducked out and hurried to school anyway. He glanced anxiously over his shoulder several times along the way, and each time, the sidewalk behind him was Loud free.
He was at his locker when Lincoln walked up. "Dude, what happened to you? You left without me."
"Those girls are acting weird again," Johnny said.
Lincoln nodded in understanding. "Yeah, they were acting pretty extra after you left. They were tearing the place looking for you and arguing over who would find you first."
Cringe.
That sounded just like them.
The bell rang, and Johnny grabbed his chemistry book. He went to class and spent the rest of the morning trying to figure out what was up with the Louds. As time wore on, however, he relaxed and stopped stressing over it. At lunch, he sat with his crew and chowed down on soft tacos and Mexican rice. On the way back to class, however, he bumped into Lucy, whose frown turned right upside down. "Hey, Johnny," she said. "Got any homework you want me to do?"
Johnny seriously considered for a second before rejecting her. He did have some homework she could do but letting her do it felt like making a deal with the devil. If he took her help, he would owe her back.
"Are you sure?" she asked.
"Yeah, I'm good."
He tried to walk away but she followed behind him like a stray dog. He would have to duck her at the end of the day.
LOL that didn't happen. As soon as he walked out the door at the end of the day, all of the Loud girls save for Lori and Lily were there waiting.
Crud.
On the way home, they talked a mile a minute and offered to do everything for him from making his favorite meal to doing all of his chores. When they got to the house, they fought each other to open the door for him.
This was weird.
And uncomfortable.
Johnny told everyone he wanted to be left alone and sequestered himself in his room. He nervously paced the floors and stopped to peer into the hall through the keyhole. Every time he did, at least two of them were lurking around the door, waiting for him to come out.
This was going to be a long week, he decided.
His bladder twanged and he went out into the hall. He hadn't made it two steps when Luna appeared, her eyes half lidded. "Hey, Johnny," she said. She strummed her guitar. "Wanna hear my new love song?"
No.
"Sure," Johnny said with a tight grin.
"It's called Johnny."
Uh…
She began to play, and Johnny made a show of smiling and nodding as though he wasn't creeped out.
Unknown to him an onlooker was watching the whole thing from their room well to be exact Lana and Lola watch the whole thing from a tiny crack in their room door
"Did you see that?" Lana asked as she closed the door softly a blush creeped on her face after seeing Luna kiss Johnny on the cheek
Lola on the other hand was doing her best not to beat just about anyone down, fire was in her eyes.
"You bet I did, how dare Luna steal Johnny from us!" she yelled quiet as possible if not wanting to alert the rest of the house with her yelling.
Lana just scratched her cheek, "Well Johnny wasn't ours to begin with." Lana then point out earning a death glare from Lola made shrink down in fear.
"Not ours." Lola said sarcastically "Johnny has always been ours, ever since I can remember Johnny has always been there for us if it was a small favors or fixing our problem and always with a smile cute smile. I married him for crying out loud." Lola then walked up to Lana and lift her up.
Lana afraid of Lola at the moment couldn't argue with her twin she could remember Johnny has always been there to help them that's why they loved him so much the first was a small crush but over time both couldn't help it and fall for the boy.
The first time the twins talked about it they got into a fight over him Johnny of course broke up the fight.
"well what do we do?" Lana asks thinking back to what they had both witness in the hallway, "It's obvious that Luna has feeling for Johnny." She looks at the floor with a hint of sadness, "And Johnny probably would date her in a heart beat unlike me."
Lola sensing her sadness and had brought her head up so she can look at her in the eyes, "We just need to remind him how much we mean to him." a small light Shimmer in her devilish eyes "and I think I might just have a plan."
That night, Leni, Luna, Luan, Lucy, Lana, Lola, and Lisa met under the cover of darkness in Lana and Lola's room. Lola stood in the middle of the room and snapped her finger to get everyone to quiet down, and the din of voice tapered off. "I called this meeting because we have a little problem." She started to pace back and forth, her hands clasped behind her back. She resembled a Bond villain preparing to reveal her plans to our intrepid hero. "All of us like Johnny and if we don't do something about it, all heck's gonna break loose. I don't want that, so we need to sit down and figure this stuff out."
"What do we do?" Lucy asked.
Lola paused. "Back off and let me have him, naturally."
Everyone started talking at once. Lola snapped her fingers again, but her sisters ignored her. She crossed her arms and fixed them with a death glare that she had learned from Lori. Slowly, they all took notice and fell silent once more. "None of you stand a chance, so why don't you save yourselves the embarrassment and bow out now?"
"That's the funniest joke I've ever heard," Luan deadpanned.
"I might be kinda dumb," Leni said, "but not that dumb."
Again, everyone started to argue, and Lola pinched the bridge of her nose. Obviously, this wasn't going to work. She had hoped that her sisters would agree to leave Johnny alone so that the way would be clear for her, but they were all self centered little cretins.
"I have a better idea," Luna spoke up.
"What?" Lola asked. Her voice dripped with venom and sarcasm. No one's idea could be as good as hers. Hers was the most perfect idea ever ideaed, and anyone who said otherwise was just salty because Johnny didn't want them the way he wanted her. Oh, he pretended not to and played hard to get every time she openly pursued him, but he couldn't fool her. TV and movies had taught her one thing: Pretty girls like her always get the guy they want, and the guy is always into them. They might be shy or awkward or something else, but if she kept pressing him, he would eventually say yes. When a boy said no, he didn't really mean no, he meant try harder. Boys don't reject girls, girls reject boys. Boys had to be six feet tall, handsome, charming, witty, rich, and perfect. Girls could be any way they wanted to be and boys still had to accept them for who they were. That was, like, a universal law of attraction or something.
She was certain that if it came down to it, Johnny would easily pick her over her sisters. Hands down. What was her competition? Blonde Patrick Star, Braceface, a wannabe vampire, and gender-swapped Dennis the Menace. LOL. She had this on lock.
Which was why when Luna suggested that they each try to win Johnny's affections and then let him pick, she agreed. What did she have to worry about? She was Lola Loud, the most beautiful girl in the world. She had the trophies and first place ribbons to prove it. This was going to be a piece of cake. Like taking candy from a baby.
She flashed back to the time she tried to steal a Ring Pop from Lily. Lily slapped her in the face and she tripped over the hem of her dress, biting her tongue and drawing blood in the process.
Okay, it was going to be easier.
"We start tomorrow," Lola said. "And when we're finished, we'll make Johnny pick one of us. Sound like a plan?"
"Yeah!" everyone cheered.
Lola grinned.
Sleep is a great mind wiper. Johnny snoozed so hard that he completely forgot that the Loud girls were being weirdos again. He remembered really quick, though, because two minutes after he woke up, Luan burst into the room dressed like a clown. "Beep beep, Johnny," she said and squeezed her big red nose. Johnny screamed in terror and covered his face with the blanket. PENNYWISE!
A second later, Leni ripped the blanket away from him and sat a tray across his lap. "Eat up, handsome," she said, "you're, like, a growing boy and you need…" she rolled her eyes to the ceiling and tapped her chin. "You know, the thing."
Johnny looked down at the tray. A single egg sat on a plate, along with a two raw pieces of bread and a slice of uncooked bacon. "It's…it's raw," Johnny said.
"It's vegan," Leni said proudly.
Uh, okay.
"You almost forgot my -"
Lucy popped up out of nowhere and Johnny's heart almost stopped. "Here," she said and handed him a can of Red Bull. "She couldn't even remember the name of your favorite drink but I could." She leaned in and lowered her voice to a creepy whisper. "I keep notes."
Okay, that was bizarre, but there's nothing wrong with being thorough, right?
"Thanks," Johnny said.
Luan started dancing for all she was worth while playing circus music on her phone. "Breakfast and a show," she said. "The show's better, though." She reached behind her back, pulled out a random pie, and launched it at Lucy's face. It slammed her and drove her off her feet, knocking her to the floor with a cringe-inducing thump. Johnny winced, Luan turned to Leni and twisted a balloon into an animal shape. Johnny couldn't tell what kind, "Here you go, little girl."
"Yay, a horsey," Leni said. She took it and it promptly popped. Luan laughed like a madwoman and Leni's bottom lip quivered. She burst into tears and ran off. Luan went back to dancing.
From his bunk, Lincoln moaned. "What's going on? Clown music woke me up?"
Luan tossed another pie over hand and it presumably landed on Lincoln, who jumped up and fell to the floor, landing on Lucy, who gave a broken, "Ow."
Now Johnny was concerned. He sat the tray aside, slipped out of bed, and stumbled past Luan, never turning his back on her. She faced him and shuffled from side to side, throwing up jazz hands and following him. "I'm gonna go to the bathroom," Johnny said.
He broke and ran. When he got to the bathroom, he found Lola and Lana kneeling next to the tub, which was full of soapy water. "I drew you a bath," Lola said.
"And I'm gonna scrub your back," Lana said.
Johnny screamed and slammed the door. He raced downstairs. In the living room, Luna jumped in front of him and started to shred her guitar. "Johnny's a bro," she screamed, "Johnny's a bro, he's the coolest dude I know. He's never a bore, he's my friend, I wanna be more."
Letting out another fearful scream, Johnny brushed past her and ran away. He wound up hiding between the washer and the dryer in the basement, dressed in only his underwear. He could hear their footsteps overhead and their calls of "Johnny? Where are you?"
Hre had no idea what had gotten into those girls, but he had the feeling that his very soul was in danger. He would just hang out here until -
A small hand fell on his shoulder and he almost screamed. He whipped around and Lisa nodded to him. Johnny tried to flee, but she stayed him. "Don't be dramatic. I've brought you some clothes."
Johnny eyed her suspiciously.
She handed him his clothes, including a fresh paper bag, and he hurriedly put them on. "Thanks. What's up with your sisters?"
"I haven't a clue. The mechanisations of their minds are beneath my powers of comprehension. I would advise you, however, to remain here for the duration of their collective episode. It'll be safer here." She sidled up to him and gave a big, hazy grin. "With me."
Johnny's heart began to race and he fell back a step. "Lise?"
Drooling, eye twitching, Lisa advanced, her hands hooking into talons. "Lise?"
The little genius sprang at him and Johnny dashed up the stairs. He exploded through the door into the kitchen and Luan saw him. "Johnny!" she screamed.
All at once, the Loud girls were around him in a huge group, grabbing him, pulling him, screaming and fighting with one another. "He's mine!" Lana yelled.
"No, he's mine!" Lola screamed.
Lana shoved her, and Lola slapped her face. Lana's eyes flashed and for a moment everyone stopped, perhaps realizing that something bad was about to happen. "You little witch," Lana said. She sprang at Lola and tackled her to the ground.
From there, all heck broke loose. Leni pulled Lucy's hair, Luna karate chopped the top of Luan's head, and Lisa jumped on Lola and Lana, hitting them with a flurry of punches. Lucy wheeled around and clothes lined Leni, Luan kicked Luna in the shin, Lana choked Lisa, and Lola staggered to her feet, face red with handprints. Lisa panted and grunted like an animal as she overcame Lana and pummelled her. She jumped up, let out a roar, and pounded her chest like an angry gorilla. She picked Luna up and brought the rocker down across her knee, possibly snapping her spine. Luan sprayed Lucy in the eyes with a seltzer bottle, and Lucy screamed in pain. "WHY IS THERE SALT IN IT?" she howled as she spun and clawed at her eyes.
Johnny watched all of this in horror, his feet glued to the floor. He tried to run, but he couldn't avert his eyes from the dumpster fire currently raging before him. Lisa punched Luna, Luan headbutted Leni, and Lana and Lucy rolled around on the floor, pulling one another's hair. Lola jumped at Leni with a rolling pin, and Leni responded by hitting her with an uppercut that sent her flying. Jeez, it was like one of those War Games matches WCW used to do at Fall Brawl.
As if on cue, he heard a familiar sound. He turned and saw his father sitting in a kitchen chair facing the melee, a big foam finger on his hand and a bucket of popcorn thrust between his legs. He cheered again and Johnny rolled his eyes. "Get in there and win the gold, son," Dad said. "It's 2021, it's okay to hit girls now."
There was a big dust cloud now as all the girls fought each other. Lucy flew out and crashed into Dad, knocking him out of the chair. They both lay there moaning in pain. Johnny snapped out of it and ran upstairs, crying the whole way. He met his mother in the hallway. "What's wrong, honey?"
Johnny stuttered out his story. "The Louds…Dad…Fall Brawl." He threw his head back and began to sob. Mom ushered him into his room and had him lock the door. Lincoln was getting dressed and looked at Johnny funny. "What's going on?"
"The Louds have lost their freaking minds," Johnny said, "they're downstairs right now killing each other."
Lincoln missed a beat. "Cool. I'mma go watch."
He started to leave but Johnny held him back, fear in his eyes. "No. Just…please stay with me."
Lincoln rolled his eyes, but Johnny looked legit traumatized, so he couldn't be too hard on the guy. "Alright," Lincoln said and helped his brother to bed. "Just calm down. I'll get you my DS and you can play a game. How does that sound?"
"Nothing with fighting," Johnny said.
"Nothing with fighting," Lincoln confirmed.
Downstairs, Rita and Lynn Sr. dragged their daughters apart. They were all bruised and bloodied. Lynn held Lola up by the back of her dress, and she continued kicking and punching the air. "What is the meaning of this?" Lynn yelled.
"She started it," the Loud girls all said and pointed at each other.
"Now we're ending it," Rita said. "Go to your rooms. Now."
Grumbling, the Louds filed up the stairs and went into their rooms. Lola sat in the middle of her bed and glared at the door. Things had broken down very quickly, not that they were well put together in the first place. It was supposed to be a fair and equal competition, but it instantly turned into everyone stepping on each other's toes and then outright fighting like a bunch of hooligans. It could have been done, organized, and carried out much better, but she doubted it would have worked, since everyone was so heck bent on beating everyone else for the ultimate prize. It turned into a real poop show, but That was okay, though, because some way, some how, she was going to get Johnny in the end.
Little did she know…
…all of her sisters had the same thought.
