This is just pure randomness brought on by being sick for almost four weeks and maybe too much Nyquil.
Enjoy.
"Due to certain people and their penchants for chaos, all of my bank accounts are temporarily frozen." Derek groused, pinning his glare on each member of the pack before settling on both Stiles and Peter who, unlike the rest if the pack, looked as utterly shameless as they ever did.
"Um...so...how exactly are we supposed to, you know, pay bills and buy food and all of that?" Cora asked, more out of concern towards the food situation than anything else. Derek scowled. "I haven't worked that out quite yet."
"Well, I got an idea...though I'm sure everyone will say 'no'." Stiles said with a shrug as he paced around the living room of the Hale House before stopping short mid-turn and pointing at Peter not unlike a certain video game lawyer screaming objection at the top of his lungs. "But how about we just have Creepy Pete here do gay porn?"
Everyone went completely silent as they processed what exactly Stiles had just said, before turning increasingly incredulous looks on the Spark as the "Dread Zombie Wolf" in question merely folded his arms over his chest and leveled a glare of his own on his partner in chaos. "Okay, seriously, Stiles...why exactly is your first solution to this problem 'pimp someone out', 'someone' being ME?"
"Lotta money, lotta fast." Was all Stile said in response, shrugging as several peals of awkward laughter made the rounds through the pack...save for Erica who was openly laughing and muffling said-laughter against Boyd's shoulder and neck from her position in her boyfriend's lap. Jackson and Aiden sported matching disturbed expressions, while Lydia merely looked as if she were working out the logistics for this situation in question. Isaac covered his mouth to hide his nervous giggles while Scott and Allison looked very much like they were trying to bleach this conversation from their respective memories. Cora looked pointedly at Derek and gestured towards her brother as if to demand that the Alpha deal with the Pack Mom and the nutjob, to which Derek just covered his face and questioned his life.
"To be fair, Creeper Wolf, your first solution's always first degree murder, so-"
"That is because murder solves a very large number of issues quite effectively, Stiles,"
"I got a question." Danny said, raising his hand from his position leaning back against Ethan's chest. "Who exactly would we be pimping Peter out to?"
"Danny! You're one of the good ones!" Derek snapped, only for his cry to be drowned out by Lydia's far-too casual... "How about Mr. Argent or the Sheriff?"
Allison dug the heels of her palms into her eyes with a cry of "no" at the same time that Stiles made a distressed noise not unlike a tea kettle. Half of the pack's expressions turned to horror at the suggestion...only for Erica to throw a fist in the air. "Lydia's got a point!"
Stiles opened his mouth to argue just as Danny shrugged. "Fair enough. I mean...DILF-o'clock right there."
Did the tea kettle noise go full stereo thanks to Stiles and Scott? Yes, yes it did. Did Peter decide to make this all far worse? Yes...always. "Alright, fair enough. I suppose that could be doable but how much do all of you intend to sell me for? And should we get Melissa in on this? After all, I'm certain that she needs a man at night as well."
All of the wolves in the pack covered their ears as Stiles and Scott's 'full-tea-kettle' mode suddenly hit dog whistle territory.
"NO! All of you! No one is pimping anyone out! Or murdering anyone! Or some hellish combination of the two!" Derek yelled, trying to regain some kind of control of his entire pack. "Honestly, can all of you be normal for five minutes?!"
"Hey, don't blame us. You and your uncle decided to bite a bunch of teenagers, Derek. Deal with it." Was all Lydia said with a dismissive flick of her hand.
"I honestly still want to know why I'm the designated prostitute."
"Shut up, Peter." Derek groused, flopping back into his chair and covering his eyes with both hands. "All of you...out of my house. Now. Don't maim or eat anyone."
Derek is so done...and Stiles deserved to have the tables turned on him just once.
