Summary: Yukio realizes something is very wrong with him. Everyone else is a little slower to catch up.
Notes: Well, with this, I'm caught up to what I've got written for the fic, tho I'm almost through with ch 9 so it should only take me like another week .
ALSO! We're working on an AOEX FANZINE for 2022 with the interest check currently ongoing until Jan 18. Once it's closed, we'll be opening the artist/writer/cosplayer applications so check it out if you might be interested! It's 18+ collaborators only, but the zine will be sfw and gen/no ship, all based around the Year of the Tiger. It's on Twitter/Tumblr/IG under ByakkoZine and you can check out the Carrd/FAQ for more info :D
Song of the Chapter: Feeling Good by Avicii
When Yukio looked in the mirror as he brushed his teeth, a shadow stared back. It blinked; he blinked. Afterimages flashed across his vision and he waited for them to fade as he'd been doing most of the last week. Sometimes they did, mostly, like now, they didn't.
Nausea filled Yukio, but he didn't know where it stemmed from. He needed tea, or something to settle his stomach.
He pulled away from the mirror, spitting in the sink and ignoring that it looked like black ashes on the porcelain before he washed it away and left for the kitchen.
"Good morning, Okumura," his guest said in that formal way Yukio replied in kind to as he pulled some of the tea Santoka had gifted him, quickly making a thermos for himself to go and heading for the door.
His path through the kitchen for his bag remained uninterrupted as it had for the last two days of his weekend before classes that day, until…
"Er, hey," Ryuji frowned when Yukio turned and gestured towards the cabinets, "aren't you going to eat something before class?"
Yukio stopped completely. The simple request sounded like so many reminders from Rin in the past. Was he eating enough? Had he remembered to pack a lunch? Was he still eating cheap convenience-store foods instead of cooking for himself?
"No, I like to arrive early, in case there's a delay with the buses," Yukio said and made it convincing.
Instead of backing down like he'd thought, Ryuji grumbled and went to the fridge, within moments, he had what looked like sandwiches from ingredients he only vaguely recalled buying packed neatly into an insulated to-go bag Yukio hadn't realized he'd had–until his mind pulled up a memory he'd buried of Rin bringing it over and leaving it.
"You've got finals," Ryuji shoved the bag at him, "so there's no way you can go without food before them."
"When did you graduate, Ryuji?" Yukio said slowly, taking the bag between his fingers in a careful motion and trying not to look as taken-aback as he felt.
"Last year," Ryuji said, head drawing back as if daring Yukio to comment on his age.
"I see," he said and nodded. "Thank you for the meal. We can go now."
They made it on the bus, Yukio managing to remember the entire trip there. His fingers warmed with the hold he kept on his tea, letting the heat reach the rest of his body when they sat as he sipped at it. He calmed at the familiar taste, mentally going over the week, his finals that day, and what would be coming for him–could be at any moment.
He thought of all those things, and used it to stop himself from thinking about the ashes on his tongue, chasing them away with the hot liquid.
The reflection in the window in his peripherals stayed frustratingly empty of the burn–Goro, but Yukio still had to contend with the shadows occasionally flickering over shoulders on the bus. They stayed quiet, though, relegated to low murmurs he could almost pretend were from the flesh and blood bodies they hovered by.
After so long being alone in his reality, it was strange to have others who knew, too. He glanced at Ryuji where he sat scanning the crowd with a stern, unsmiling face, and thought it was a strange comfort to have, but something he might be happy about, someday.
"We're here," Ryuji's voice froze Yukio in his seat.
His classroom seat. Not the bus.
His gaze snapped to the side to see Ryuji speaking into a phone, giving an acknowledgement before hanging up.
When had they–?
Ice doused the idle thoughts he'd been toying with and Yukio searched until he found his thermos, taking a sip only to realize it was empty. He'd drained it at some point in his blackout.
Goro had stopped haunting him–his hands shook around the thermos–so why was he still hallucinating ashes? Why was he blacking out, having terror-filled dreams and unable to sleep a full night?
Why wasn't his nightmare over yet?
"Hey, man, you okay?" Ryuji said at his side, under his breath and careful not to draw attention to them with overt concern. Not at all like Rin would have done.
Very sensible, Yukio approved.
"I don't know," it was the first honest thing he'd said to himself in years. Besides the admission of insanity. Yukio felt a smile begin to tug at his lips without his say. "I can't tell anymore."
"What?" Ryuji's frown screamed with the worry building in him, but Yukio couldn't bring himself to have anything like a normal reaction, though what was normal, anymore, he couldn't say.
Normal, for instance, might have been telling his family about the ghosts at the first signs of them, or letting Rin know he wanted to have lunch with him more desperately than an animal caught in a trap, willingly biting through its own leg for freedom. It may have been letting his professors at the school know he needed an extra day to catch up on sleep for his own mental well-being, that he was having some kind of breakdown and needed help.
"I remember sitting down on the bus, then I woke up here," Yukio said with a shrug, smile growing to the dawning horror on Ryuji's face. "I thought it was the ghost of my murdered uncle giving me nightmares and preventing my sleep but I guess even though he's not here, I'm still crazy."
It was almost therapeutic, Yukio decided as he hummed and brought out his sandwich Ryuji had so thoughtfully prepared. When he bit into it, he could barely taste anything at all.
"That's–there's no way that's healthy," Ryuji leaned in, hand on Yukio's arm and peering into his eyes like he searched for something. Yukio could have told him he wouldn't find it. He seemed to be lacking essential pieces everyone else had.
"Are there any other symptoms?"
The question made Yukio's grin begin to slide down as he re-ordered his mind. What symptoms? What could be considered a symptom of seeing ghosts? Except that it wasn't the ghosts causing this, so maybe there were other things separate from their influence on his mind.
"Hm," he started with another slow bite at his sandwich. "I haven't slept–nightmares, you know? And my mouth tastes constantly of ash, which I thought was Goro's special gift to me."
"Actually, I see ashes everywhere I look," he said and thought back to all the times he'd seen them in his tea cup when he should have been safe from Goro.
Ryuji continued with his scan over Yukio's body while he spoke and the touch barely registered. He finished his examination by setting his hand to Yukio's, and it took him longer than it should have to realize he was checking his pulse, staring down with slow blinks of his eyes. Everything felt so slow right now.
"You're having trouble processing things?" Ryuji said, making Yukio realize he might have spoken aloud on that last part.
A nod and Ryuji went back to muttering to himself, hand finally leaving Yukio's and taking some warmth with it. It had been awhile since Yukio had felt a touch, not since Rin's bone-jarring hug and the occasional concerned press of Santoka's hand to his when he fell into another of his spaced-out moments–and he couldn't forget Kuro, of course, the cat would be heart-broken.
"Yukio–Yukio." The call of his name shook him out of his head again.
"How has no one noticed this by now," Ryuji muttered, hand falling from his cheek where he'd been tilting his head up.
"Don't have any friends," Yukio said in a mumble, then frowned at himself for the honesty.
"I didn't mean to say that," he said to clarify.
"Hallucinations, lowered inhibitions," Ryuji–no, Bon Bon, Suguro–said while Yukio waited, relaxed, "black-outs, nightmares and interrupted sleep."
"Am I going to die?" Yukio said and laughed, a light chuckle as he wondered if he could keep working on his degree as a ghost.
Serious brown eyes stared at him from Ryuji's equally serious face. "You're suffering from some kind of drugging right now but I have no idea how long it's been going on for and if you've got any kind of liver or kidney damage."
Oh, that sounded serious.
"You need to go to the hospital immediately, Okumura," Ryuji said as he clasped Yukio's hand and began to rise. He jerked to a halt when Yukio didn't follow.
"Can't, sorry," Yukio shook his head and patted his desk, "I need to finish this final and then we need to use me as bait to catch the serial killer after me and my brother."
Bafflement met him and he smiled again.
"Are you kidding me?" Ryuji hissed under his breath, what looked like a vein starting to pulse in his forehead. "This is definitely an attempt to kill you already–you can get a damn extension on your finals for this!"
Most definitely he could, but Yukio had never claimed to be sane, it was probably time everyone around him realized that.
The door to the room opened and Santoka entered, Ryuji's continued tirade falling away as Yukio stared. Sound muffled while Santoka made his slow way to the front of the room, turning to look up at Yukio and pausing.
Yukio caught his eye and smiled on automatic even as he went cold.
"Sorry, Bon," he said, sitting straight in his chair and bringing out his things he would need for the test. "I'll be quick, this shouldn't take long."
After so many after-class discussions with Santoka, Yukio could confidently say that he knew what he needed for the final better than any other student. His hand flew over the paper, using what he'd learned and letting it make up for the way he kept seeing ashes falling in the class or the shadows that couldn't be there because they were never there before.
Like Ryuji had said, he was clearly hallucinating because he'd been drugged somehow. So the ashes and shadows were just his mind throwing the things he hated most at him because his mind wouldn't do anything less than its best to torture him, of course.
He brought his completed test to the front and set it down before Santoka, smiling and nodding.
"Sir, I know it's the last day, but I'd enjoy being able to come to your office one last time, if that's alright with you," Yukio said to the kind professor who had been his sanctuary from the shadows and ashes for the best month he'd had in years.
"Oh, yes, I'd love that, Mr. Okumura," Santoka said and let Yukio walk from the room, Ryuji close behind.
"Okay," Ryuji said with his hand already pulling Yukio towards the exit, "now you've done your final and we can get you medical attention."
"Ah, wait, Ryuji," Yukio said and gestured at the peeved expression he received. "Shouldn't you call Shura and let her know?"
His gaze tracked Ryuji's hand as it left him to go for his back pocket to take his phone out. "Yeah, good idea."
"And I have to use the restroom, if you don't mind," Yukio began to walk away, waving as Ryuji made to follow. "Don't worry, It's just around the corner, I'll be quick."
Yukio left to Ryuji's sharp nod and stepped away, feet taking him around the corner, past the stalls and to the end of the hall.
Another few moments and he arrived at Santoka's office.
The door was unlocked, so he let himself in, sitting at the chair Santoka had that Yukio had grown to love for the comfort; the comfort that the office in general provided.
It might have been the sunlight coming through the windows, the ornate screen that divided the room, or the small comforts in various flowering plants. There was even a desk fountain and some oil-scenters that filled his nose when he breathed in.
Truly, a retreat in every sense of the word.
His hand drifted to the picture of Santoka's niece. She was unsmiling in the photo, and her hair had distinct highlights in it that framed her freckled face. He had seen and heard the fondness in Santoka whenever he spoke about her and his pride was as apparent as Yukio's own family for his accomplishments.
Besides the one mention at the beginning, Santoka had never said a word about the rest of his family.
He was an idiot.
A sigh left Yukio's mouth, small grin forming when the door opened and Santoka entered.
"Well," he said, sitting opposite Yukio with a stack of finished tests, "I think it's safe to say I'll miss instructing your class."
"Yes, the year finished much better than it started," Yukio agreed. "Everyone will be sad to see you go when our old professor recovers enough to return."
At Santoka's hum, Yukio set the frame back on the desk and considered it. "I managed to meet up with my brother for lunch finally. He was thrilled."
"My parents are still out on their work trip, though, and they haven't been able to do more than text."
As Yukio continued, he moved his attention from Santoka to the ashes in the air. They drifted to settle on the desk and Santoka's shoulders like a dark shroud, covering the neutral colors he wore.
"Will you go visit your niece now that the semester is over?" Yukio asked, honestly curious about Santoka's plans for the future.
"I will, thank you for asking," Santoka said with a nod, eyes watchful and hands neatening the papers on his desk. "And you? What are your plans once this is all over? Look for internships?"
Once it was over? Yukio frowned, tilting his head back and thinking, even if his thoughts were slow. "I think…I might go on a vacation with my brother and family, maybe that ski town he was always wanting to visit."
There were hot springs at the resort Yuri had sighed over visiting, and Rin and Shiro both talked excitedly about going down the toughest slopes they could find. Yukio hadn't been sure he'd wanted to go, when they'd brought it up, but the idea of joining and taking a book, or going down the slopes and showing them how it was done, sounded like the only thing he wanted to do now.
"I see," Santoka said.
"Taneda's poetry," Yukio began, making Santoka still, "it talks a lot about wandering, and pain, and beauty in both these things."
He glanced to the books of poetry on Santoka's shelves, worn and well-loved. They carried collections of his namesake, and Yukio realized how well they really fit the man who had taken it as his own.
"He must have been a great influence on you," he finished. "He also never really settled, in the end, even with a family waiting for him and friends he passed by chasing his addiction."
"He is," Santoka said, expression smoothing into a more natural smile. "Taneda was and is someone who I greatly admire for his works and the philosophy that inspired them."
"Is that why you chose it as your cover name?"
The smile wiped free from Santoka's face, gone the moment Yukio spoke his last word and the eyes that had stared so wistfully at the books of poetry hardened, sharp where they pierced into Yukio from across the desk.
"Oh, Mr. Okumura," Santoka–Todo, breathed, hands coming together before him as he straightened in his desk. "I didn't think you would be so bold, but I should have exected it of my favorite student."
"Thank you, sir," Yukio said, disconnected where he stared at the man–murderer–who had made himself comfortable in his life with calm discussion and a listening ear. "If I might ask, why now, after eighteen years?"
Yukio knew the question had eaten into him the moment he'd seen that small pink twinflower on the envelope with his name on it. He also knew his father would want to know when he learned about it. It was likely Faust had considered the question, too, though he might not care about the answer.
"Ah, you see," Todo turned the frame on his desk around, "my niece is graduating this year and truly independent of me now, so I can fully focus on my life again. I've raised her well."
"Your tether is gone," Yukio murmured, realizing.
A nod, "Yes, you understand."
"–kumura! Okumura!"
Shouts of his name from down the hall and rapidly nearing jerked Yukio's gaze to the door. It was too soon!
He turned back and froze, eyes widening on the hand Todo had raised, a thin wire slipped around his finger he had prepared to tug.
"That's my cue," Todo said just as footsteps reached outside the door where the end of the wire wound and continued on to…
The door opened and Yukio began to shout a warning.
Todo crooked his finger and a snap echoed in the room followed by a percussive explosion that threw Yukio to the floor, head impacting the hard linoleum as he blacked out and knew no more.
"Yukio!" Rin's voice tore him from blissful silence in an instance, the black replaced by color and pain as he became aware of his body.
"Rin," he groaned, trying to move and flinching as it made the aches more apparent.
"Shit, don't move," cursing followed Rin as he shifted away. Before Yukio could try to follow him with his gaze, Shura replaced Rin.
She began a perfunctory examination of his body, testing his limbs and checking him for what he assumed was more severe damage. He didn't feel anything horribly off, but that didn't mean it didn't exist.
"Concussion?" a voice grunted from the door, and Yukio went cold, realizing Ryuji might have gotten the brunt of it, forcing his head up despite Shura's exclamation to lay back down.
Relief washed through Yukio when he saw Ryuji leaning against the wall with Rin at his side. Blood at his nose and from a gash across his forehead steadily leaked across a reddened face as if he'd been in the sun too long. He ignored it to glare, though it looked more like one of worry than actual anger at Yukio.
"Checking now," Shura said, a pen-light blinding Yukio when she shined it in his eyes. It vanished right after and she sat back, helping him sit up to lean against the desk he fallen next to. "He's fine, just gonna have a mean headache for awhile until that egg on his head goes down."
"Good," Ryuji sighed in relief, then his glare sharpened and he stalked a few feet into the room to cross his arms, glare now pointed down at Yukio. "Now how about you explain to me why you ditched me to talk to the freaking serial killer alone."
Yukio began to laugh, shoulders slumping to the desk and incapable of caring about the strain he could see his actions had caused. He wiped the tear that trickled from the corner of his eyes and gave a last sigh, head tilted back and feeling the truly huge knot in his head where he'd been knocked unconscious.
"I don't know," he finally said, another laugh trickling out. "I'm not thinking very clearly right now."
Which was something like the truth, but not the whole truth, so he chalked it up to a win that he'd been able to hold a little back, and while he couldn't speak to the blackouts and his grip on sanity, he'd never been more sure of his path in his life. For once, he was acting for himself, no one else.
"Shit," Shura said with a curse. "Come on, medical should be here soon and we can get you checked out for whatever it was he's been dosing you with this whole time."
"It's in my tea," Yukio offered up, standing despite the hand she tried to push him down with, then pausing as he saw what had been left on the ruined desk.
Ash spread to the surface, real, this time, he assumed, given the blast radius of whatever bomb Todo had rigged to go off. He figured some of it had reached him, by the way his face and side he'd had facing the door felt like it had been given a heavy sunburn.
It must have been a small one, not meant to kill, just to incapacitate.
His fingers traced to the edge of the desk, careful not to touch the poisonous cup of still steaming tea from the one he'd come to think of as his own. Resting next to the cup full of swirling ashes was a small pink twinflower where it settled on top of another letter with his name on it.
"I can't believe this guy was here the whole time," Rin muttered from where he stood beside Yukio. "It's so creepy."
Yes, objectively, Yukio could see why anyone would think so.
He turned the letter over, letting the twinflower fall to the desk as he began to read what Todo had written.
Yukio,
"Each day we meet / Both demons and Buddhas."
When I think back to my decision to check in on my favorites, it's one I'm happy to have made.
You've been a wonderful student, and I see a bright future for you.
One where you're free of your tethers, that family that hinders you; your brother, who can't break his bond on his own.
It has been a joy this past month. Thank you for the weeks of wonderful conversation.
"Awaiting you / the fire burns well."
Saburota
"More poetry?" Rin said in clear confusion as Yukio set the letter down in a firm press.
Yes, he's fond of this particular author," Yukio said and turned back to Shura.
"We need to tell Faust what happened."
"Dammit," Ryuji hissed. "Is this before or after we get you to a hospital?"
"I feel fine," Yukio said. "It's more important to capitalize on time before Sant-Saburota can bury himself again."
"Unbelievable," Shura said for what he thought would be come one of many times that incredulous sigh escaped her because of his actions.
"This is the last chance we could have to catch him," he added, hoping he wouldn't have to slip her and Ryuji's oversight again. It would be more difficult with them on the lookout for him to try.
Although…
"I apologize, Ryuji," he said, some of the strange, crystal-clear mind frame muddled as he took in the pallor on Ryuji's face. "I should have made sure you didn't need medical attention. It might be best to sit this out and go to get that gash stitched."
A glare came from Ryuji, though it faded as he scrubbed at his head. "No, this is a scratch, headwounds just bleed a lot."
"Besides," his glare returned, "I'm not letting you two idiots run into danger without back-up and you're sure as hell not slipping my watch again after that one time."
It was an unexpectedly warming sentiment.
"I'm going to make sure that clown has his private medical staff on hand like I know he has access too and you'll both be getting checked out," Shura said, most likely as far as she was willing to compromise. But it was enough for Yukio. He nodded his acquiescence.
"Okay, then I'll make some calls and Bon will go with you to Faust's. I'll wait back here and hand things over to the guys when they get here to take over for us and secure this room."
Her eyes narrowed and she made her order clear. "Do not, under any circumstances, do anything crazy like this ever again or I will be locking you in a cell for a night until you learn how to rest for once."
Yukio had the presence of mind to agree and left to return to Faust before she made good on her promise.
End Notes: Best part of knowing Yukio is suddenly realizing how bat shit this boy really is XD Bon just got a crash course.
