Fractured World
Disclaimer: Don't own Victorious or iCarly
A/N:
Chapter 3 (The Funeral: Mourning)
Truly she didn't want to come across as if she didn't like talking to anybody but she didn't know what she could say to anyone. She never knew her mother, she didn't know any of these people, so what could she say?
Tori was scared to come across as insincere or crude, she didn't want to seem antisocial and she didn't want to come across as timid either. So walking to the pews, she opted to sit somewhere in the middle section, hoping that it wasn't so far into the back but not so close to the front that she was the first person people noticed.
She felt shielded with Spencer to her right and Ian on her left. They were at the end of the aisle with Carly on aisle seat to Spencer's right. Sinjin, Beck and Jade formed the rest of the aisle.
In hindsight, it may not have been the best set up because they were almost instantly going to be noticed with so many people that weren't an actual part of Sasha's or Spencer's family.
What worried her was that the other relatives might judge her, even criticize her. Sure, she had the assurances of Spencer and Mark that they wouldn't; but would they truly understand she was a victim despite never knowing it?
She bent her head down, gazing at her hands in her lap and tucking a lip under her corner teeth. Her thumbs wrapped around each other and her eyes slowly closed. Then a hand slid over hers, forcing her eyes open and she turned to see Ian looking her way. "It's going to be okay," he whispered while gently squeezing her hand.
People were still moving around, she wasn't sure why other than thinking they might be trying to reconnect. After all, the entire family likely didn't all live in the same place; but she didn't know. What did surprise her was Spencer wasn't doing the same thing.
She slowly reached over to pat his arm. "Why aren't you visiting with them?" Spencer's shoulders rose and he looked to the family. His voice was soft and Tori thought she heard a hoarseness behind his words.
"Honestly, I'd rather sit down and wait for the service to get started. I've already talked to everyone here beforehand, let them know a bit of what's been going on." She pursed her lips at the sound of him clearing his throat. "I'm not in the most talkative mood right now. I'm sure they're talking about Sasha, trying to remember her when she was with them and comforting each other."
"You should do that too." She looked around the room, studying everyone that was there. Mark and Jenny were walking towards a pew on the right, their son was moving swiftly towards the brown oak casket in the center of the room.
Tori's breathing stopped in her throat as her gaze fell upon the casket. The left side was open, revealing Sasha laying peacefully inside. Her hair had been combed out and washed, the makeup applied to her skin looked like honey. She had a very light blush applied to her cheeks, from what Tori could tell where she was.
When she turned to Spencer, she saw him focusing on the casket and thought perhaps this was why he wasn't trying to talk to the family. It didn't take long, however, for the members of the family to follow in suit with Jacob and make their way to the casket.
"If I move right now and go up there…" Spencer closed his hands and his chin dipped towards his chest. Tori frowned and placed a hand on his arm, she knew he was struggling and now she was beginning to understand. Hearing the pain in his voice and feeling the trembling of his arm in her hand, she thought he might break at any minute. "If I go up there, I'm liable to break down in front of everyone."
"What's wrong with that?"
"Because this isn't about me." Spencer folded his arms over his legs and leaned forward slightly, his gaze still frozen on Sasha's casket. "This is about her. Her family lost her just like I did all those years ago, so this is their chance to see her one last time. They know I was able to talk to her, that I'm the last person she saw before she died."
Carly turned her head, her brow furrowing and her lips pulling back into her cheeks. "They're not going to hold that against you or anything if that's what you're thinking, Spencer." He chuckled softly and closed his eyes.
"I'm not exactly worried about that, I just want them to have a moment with her first. I'm not selfish." Now Tori understood why he seemed to be holding back. It made sense in her mind, because she knew he'd be the first person running up to Sasha's body.
Rather than sit there like a bump on a log feeling depressed, and not wanting him to do the same, she felt it was best to get him talking. "So, do you want to point out some of Sasha's family to me?" She saw him raise an eyebrow. Smiling meekly, she raised her shoulders. "The service isn't starting up yet, so I mean…" She brought her hand up, gently tapping her fingers on her chin as she looked to the people around the casket.
She settled first on an older couple. The woman was overweight in appearance, her curly grey hair was thin; but her face seemed somewhat youthful. The man beside her was taller, considerably tanner, he didn't look much older than sixty to her. He wore a dark blue ball cap.
"Who are they?" She motioned towards the couple. "Are they related to Sasha's parents? They look about that age range." Spencer's cheeks puffed and he raised a hand over his mouth, closing his eyes. Seeing his reaction surprised her, so she took another look at the couple.
"That would be John and Lillian." Embarrassed that she missed that, she sank a bit in her chair and tilted her head to the side. "They've been lucky enough to have their looks, but their overall health is starting to decline." She frowned and Spencer looked towards her. "I mean, that's normal, especially for hitting eighty or eighty-five."
"I guess it's good they lived long enough to see Mom one last time."
"I'd agree. I can't think of much else they've worried about. John's always talked about how he just wants to know where Sasha is before he dies. Like I said, their mental and physical health isn't the best." He ran his hand along his chin.
There was another elderly woman by the casket. She was hunched forward and had a wooden walking cane in her frail right hand. Her wrinkled face was wet and her left hand was enclosed over her mouth. "How about her?"
"That's Rosa. Sasha's maternal grandma." Spencer frowned and his hand shuffled along his arm. "Her husband passed away in 2009, unfortunately." Tori was sorry for the woman, having lost her daughter, granddaughter and her husband.
"She seems older than the other grandparents."
"Another misconception. She's actually the youngest one." Spencer sighed heavily and shook his head. "No one handled what happened very well, and that's definitely true for her. She shut herself away for a while, Eric tried his best to be there for her, so when he died…" He closed his eyes and breathed in. "We were surprised she survived this long, because she couldn't take care of herself anymore."
She brought her hand to her chest, breathing in sharp. "Shit."
"Amber, Sasha's mother, was very close to Rosa. They talked on the phone for hours almost every day. So when the murder happened…"
She got the gist of it after all and continued to watch Rosa. The elder lifted her eyes to the three screens on the wall above the casket. The middle one was showing a slideshow of Sasha when she was young while the screen on the left showed a man, and the screen on the right showed a woman.
Rosa's trembling hand rose to the screen she was standing before, that of the woman. There was no doubt in Tori's mind this was Amber. Amber didn't look old at all, a woman in her thirties. In the image, she had plump lips colored red with makeup, her brown eyes seemed to be framed by the mascara and light eye shadow. She had dark brown hair which feathered out just above her shoulders.
The image on the other screen was undoubtably that of Sasha's father. His hair was a soft, lighter brown, combed with a left part. He wore thin, round glasses that seemed almost to take up his entire upper face. His thin smile was framed by a bushy brown goatee.
Spencer leaned into her, pointing at the screen. "That's Michael…Mr. Grayson..." Tori's heart dropped and her stomach began to tighten as she looked at the middle screen.
It nearly broke her to see the slideshow, to watch the happy faces of her mother and grandparents shifting from image to image and realizing these would be the only thing she had of them. Pictures.
The most heartbreaking one, for some reason that Tori wasn't quite sure, was that of a birthday picture. In it, Sasha sat before a cake with candles lit. The candles were number candles, indicating fourteen. Michael and Amber were at her sides, their arms interlocking somewhere behind Sasha. The parents were grinning, Sasha was caught in mid laugh.
Looking at Spencer, she saw his face wet with tears as he studied the screen. "I took that image." She caught the stumble in his speech. Her eyes started to sting as she turned back to the screen, her hands closed into her lap and she shut her eyes. "That was her last birthday." She sucked the air in through her teeth and turned her head to the side. She felt Spencer's body start to shake and slowly opened her eyes to look at him. "We were so happy, so in love. In that moment right there, I don't even remember the joke I said, I was trying to make her laugh and I did…then everything went to hell just a couple months later…"
"You have that, at least. Those memories." There was a strange hollowness she felt within herself, struggling to comprehend just how to feel. She wanted to cry, but she didn't know if it was okay to do so. Everyone might wonder why she'd even bother to cry when she never knew this woman; but there was something about looking at her mother's images that drew her in.
Yes, there was a sadness surrounding them, even when the picture was one full of joy and laughter. Part of her understood all she'd have are glossy images, if at all. Even her father still had his memories and had been old enough that those memories weren't simply going to fade away like childhood memories might.
"All I have are pictures…"
"You have a memory of her. I know it's a sad one but, you still have that moment with her."
Perhaps that was the connection that she felt. She could still remember the warmth, the tenderness that came from when she hugged her mother on that hospital bed. The sound of her mom's voice was chilling yet kind and loving.
Tori closed her eyes and breathed in slowly, only to release a trembling breath of air. Her chest grew tight as fresh tears slowly ran along her face. "I wish my only memory of her wasn't of her dying. I just…" She sniffed and leaned forward, sucking in another deep breath. "I want to cry, I just don't know how. I don't know if it's even okay."
She felt Spencer's hand on her upper back, circling in slow motions. "Why wouldn't it be okay?"
"Because I didn't know her. All of her family, they don't know me." Her speech started to fragment and stutter. "I'm scared they'd judge me even for that."
"They wouldn't, and I wouldn't let them." Tori raised her head when she heard Carly sigh. Carly, who Tori had yet to truly identify as her actual aunt, reached over Spencer's lap and grasped her hand gently.
"Tori, look at me okay?" Tori met Carly's gaze, drawn in by a gentle expression. "I know it's scary. Believe me, I was a baby at the time and despite Spencer keeping in touch with them over the years, I didn't. Not as much." Tori attempted to steady her breathing, nodding once again as Carly's hand squeezed her. "Not until a couple years ago. Sarah and Jacob watched my show and wanted to talk to me. After that, when I started to feel comfortable, I got to know Mark and Jennifer; and eventually the older relatives who all treated me just fine. They knew I was Spencer's sister, they accepted me and I believe they'll be accepting of you too."
"I know, but what if-"
Carly cleared her throat abruptly. "Take a chance on them." A soft whine escaped from Tori's lips as she struggled to hold Carly's gaze. "Don't be afraid of them. I know that's a lot to say, a lot to ask of you right now because you are afraid and that's understandable; but don't avoid them." As Carly started to smile, Tori was becoming a bit less anxious though it wasn't much. "You don't have to jump in full blast, take a few nibbles here and there. Get to know them, slowly, one at a time if need be. Let them get to know you."
"I'll try. I don't know how, but I'll try."
"That's the best you can do." As she looked towards the casket, she saw Sarah standing by Sasha, her hand curled over the rim and somber gaze studying the woman. The teenager looked away towards them and Tori caught her breath. Carly slowly turned her head just as the teenager started to wave. "Try. Go ahead, it's your turn."
Sarah was one of the last family members left at the casket, so it didn't feel like she'd be crowded. She was anxious to go up there at all. Carly released her and got up from the seat. Spencer, meanwhile, huffed a bit as his sister beckoned him out.
It took a few seconds but he got up, and as he did, Tori followed. The two of them made their way down the aisle and Tori dared not look around the room. She could feel all eyes on her and she didn't like it.
Looking to Spencer, she studied his expression carefully. His lips were quivering, his eyebrows seemed to be curling towards each other.
Eventually they made it to Sasha's casket, where Tori stepped alongside Sarah. Gazing down and seeing how peaceful her mother looked nearly broke her as grief shot through her body.
Sarah kept her hand on the edge of the casket but was turning towards Tori, she spoke with a soft near hushed tone. "I was born in '98, just three years after everything. I never understood what my parents went through every night for so long. Every time they talked about her, they talked about not knowing where she was or who she might be. They would talk about the niece or nephew they could've had…to a level both were almost mythological to me."
Tori frowned as Sarah looked down at the woman who would've been her aunt. "I never knew her either, but I knew I had to stay strong for a while. I was born in December, Jake was born in January of 2000, if that tells you how close it was. I've always had to be strong for him and our parents because it took so long for them to even be okay." The girl's voice started to tremble and Tori was struggling to keep from tearing up herself just hearing the words. "I'm glad for them that Aunt Sasha is back, I'm glad you're alive. I feel bad though, because I don't really know how to grieve for her like my parents did. For Jake, he understands even less." Tori pressed her lips together thinly and waited as Sarah took a deep breath. "I'm glad you're here though."
"Thank you…" Tori leaned towards the casket, her trembling fingers graced the edge as she studied her mother closely. Sasha didn't look as she had in the hospital, rather she looked as if she'd never been there in the first place. Her first thought was that the people who worked on Sasha's body for the funeral did a very good job. "She looks beautiful."
"Dad was horrified when he heard what happened to her and to you. I know he and mom were talking about it like they didn't want to tell me or Jake the details but I was in the other room. I know I shouldn't eavesdrop, but…" Tori raised her head and looked over at Sarah carefully. "I'm really sorry for everything she and you had to go through."
Tori looked down and closed her eyes. "I never even knew the people that raised me were nearly that bad, Sarah. I-I don't want anyone to hate me, but I didn't even think I was in danger until a few years ago when my boyfriend found out."
"I don't think anyone could hate you for it, it's not like it was your fault." Tori swallowed heavily and looked back to her mother with fresh tears in her eyes. "I'll leave you guys alone, but I hope you'll consider talking to me later. Who knows? We might have some common interests."
"Sure…"
Well, at least the who's-who has been pointed out. Tori is in a difficult place that much is said. Funerals aren't easy to write since there's really not much going on and the gist is understood but at the very least we have some new information. We also have a cousin attempting to reach out to Tori, so maybe she'll be receptive, who knows. Perhaps she ought to take her aunt's advice too. Thoughts?
