Naoki bid Shion goodbye when he dropped her off later on that afternoon. She did her best to smile at him before he drove off, but the uneasiness she felt ate away at her stomach. Was dating him really the only way to stave off the loneliness she felt?
Hachi eagerly ushered her inside to sit at the table. Clearly, Nana's absence was already having its effect on her. "How was it, Shion-chan?" she wanted to know. "I saw the car outside - that was Naoki, right?"
Shion nodded. "He took me to see a classical concert. It was really nice."
"So romantic~!" Hachi squealed. Shion felt her stomach sink.
"I guess." she said, knowing that she wasn't really in the position now to remind Hachi about her lack of romantic feelings. "He… he asked me to date him."
Hachi's jaw dropped. "And then?"
Shion drummed her fingers on the table nervously. "I said… I'd give it a try." Before she knew it, Hachi had flung her arms around her, beaming.
"This is great Shion!" she enthused. "Naoki seems like a great guy - I'm sure it'll work out."
It's not Naoki that I'm worried about. Shion kept that thought to herself. What she really would have liked was to talk about it with Nana, who seemed to understand her feelings surrounding platonic and romantic attraction. She'd have to try and pull her friend aside after the next BLAST practice. Hopefully, she could keep this on the down low from the rest of the members for a little bit. The last thing she wanted to do was cause a spectacle when everything was so unstable. She just hoped Naoki wouldn't tell the rest of TRAPNEST for a while either. Hopefully.
•─────⋅雨⋅─────•
There was practice that evening, and Hachi walked with her to the practice studio. Shion had already asked that her friend keep what had happened with Naoki a secret, and Hachi had reluctantly agreed.
"Don't you want to tell everyone about your relationship though?" Hachi had said. "I know I would."
"Not yet." Shion said. "I just need some time."
Instead they'd spent the walk talking about the band, and the offer frome Gaia Music. BLAST needed to work extra hard for their next concert so that all the chips fell into place. They never knew when another opportunity like it would present itself again.
The rest of the band was already there setting up when they arrived. At the sight of Nana, Hachi launched herself at the other woman happily. It was evident how close the two of them had grown over the months they'd lived together. Shion was so busy watching them that she hadn't noticed Nobu and Shin were staring at her curiously.
"What is it?" she asked, grabbing her violin and plugging it into the amp.
"Yasu said that Naoki called him." Nobu said, fiddling with the neck of his guitar. He must have seen her face fall when he said it because his expression turned into something unreadable. "You're really dating him then? Apparently he couldn't contain his excitement about it."
Shion's fingers were trembling as she tightened the bow string. "It's… complicated. I told him about… you know - how I feel about that stuff. He said he just wanted to give it a shot anyway."
Nobu looked like he wanted to say something else, but bit his lip. Shin jumped in.
"Well, we'll still support you. Tell us if he does anything you don't want him to though. Nobu will beat him up!"
"I'll what?" Nobu blushed. "Why'd you say that?"
"So you wouldn't?" Shin teased him. "You and Shion are inseparable so I just thought…"
"Enough now. We've gotta work hard." Nana stopped their conversation in its tracks and Shion let out a sigh of relief. Shin let the topic go after that, and Nobu noticeably avoided meeting her eyes for the rest of practice. For the first time since she'd joined the band, Shion was extremely glad to get practice over and done with. Her head hadn't been in the right place and she kept messing up - to the point she was throwing Nobu off on his guitar. She waited until the men left and Hachi was waiting outside, and pulled Nana aside as she packed up.
"Can I talk to you before you go, Nana?" she asked quietly.
"Sure." Nana said. "What's up with you? Today you were all over the place."
Shion bowed her head in apology, but Nana just laughed and patted her shoulder.
"I think I did a bad thing." Shion said. "I… today Naoki took me on a date… and he confessed to me."
Nana gaped at her. "Naoki confessed? He sure did that fast, huh? So what did you say?"
"I… said yes." Shion said. "I know I shouldn't have… but I did. I couldn't convince myself that I'd have the courage to explain my feelings to Nobu… so I sort of… took the easy way out."
Nana smiled at her sympathetically. "And what does Nobu think about all of this?"
Shion remembered the way Nobu had been avoiding her gaze all evening and her heart ached. "He hasn't looked at me once since I admitted it to him."
"I see." Nana let a silence hang between them before continuing. "You know Shion, he might just be worried about you - or even jealous. I mean ever since you met each him you've slowly been relying on him more and more. He loves being able to support the people he cares about. Maybe he thinks now you've got Naoki, you won't go to him anymore."
"But that's wrong!" Shion blurted out. "Nobu is the greatest friend I've ever had! He's kind and caring, and always thoughtful of me. He gave me the courage to be in this band; and I've overcome so many of my problems because he was right next to me helping me figure everything out! There is no one I care about more than him!" As she finished her small speech, she realised that Nana was looking at something behind her. Shion turned, and to her total horror, saw that Nobu was standing behind her - his face completely scarlet. Clearly he had heard everything she had said.
"I… I forgot my phone." he stammered out.
•─────⋅雨⋅─────•
Nobu had offered to walk Shion and Hachi home, but this time it was Shion who couldn't look at Nobu. She knew it was unreasonable, as she had only said good things about her best friend, but she couldn't help feeling mortified all the same. Shion could only silently thank the gods that Hachi was with them to fill in the otherwise awkward silence as she put one foot in front of the other. She was relieved when their flat building came into view. However, just before she could disappear inside with Hachi, Nobu called out to her.
"Shion? Can we talk a bit?"
The pit in her stomach grew bigger by the second, but she managed to turn around with a slight nod. They sat next to each other on the steps outside, not saying anything.
"You know," Nobu started off. "I was really happy to hear you say all those things earlier." She couldn't speak! She could only listen as Nobu said his piece. "It's hard to believe that we've only been friends for a few months when I feel like I've known you for way longer." She was able to nod her head at that comment. It was true enough. Nobu had helped her overcome anti-social behaviour that she'd been doing for years. In doing so, she had come to strongly admire the type of person that he was, and the unwavering support that came with his friendship.
"Shion - can you look at me?" That was definitely a surprise to hear. Very slowly, she managed to drag her eyes up until they locked on to his. He smiled then, and the tension in her stomach melted away into nothing. This was the Nobu she knew - endlessly supportive, and not judgemental at all. He reached out and squeezed her hand. "You okay? You didn't really seem that happy about Naoki."
She sighed. "I don't know anymore. Earlier today when we went to the concert I was really, really happy." His face seemed to brighten when she said that, and then she recalled that Naoki had said it was Nobu's idea to go to watch the orchestra in the first place. "But when he confessed to me, once I'd gotten past being flustered, I just felt uncomfortable."
"Then why didn't you refuse him?" Nobu asked her.
"I did at first. But he was insistent that my feelings might change if we tried dating - and even if they didn't he just wanted a chance to try. Not only that but…" Shion wasn't sure if she wanted to say the next part, but one look from Nobu told her he wouldn't be letting her walk away just like that. "But there was a part of me that was craving a deeper human connection. People in good relationships always seem so happy; thinking about how that could be me made me ignore my real feelings, I suppose."
"A deeper human connection." Nobu repeated. "But what about our friendship? We're closer than you and Naoki are, right?"
"Of course!" Shion said quickly, and Nobu seemed to relax when she said that. "But… you've got your eyes on Hachi, right? I didn't want you to ever feel like you had to pick between your friendship with me or a relationship with Hachi."
"That's stupid!" Nobu told her, and her heart began to hammer in her chest when she saw an unreadable expression on his face. "Hachi and I aren't even dating. My feelings for her are unrequited. Not only that, but my friendship with you isn't something I'd put in the backburner just because I'd have a girlfriend." His hand found hers again, and they stayed like that for some time. She hadn't realised he'd crept closer to her, so that their shoulders brushed against each other, but she felt them rise and fall with his breathing. Before, she would have been over the moon to hear him talk about their friendship in such a way, but she only felt more stupid with each passing second. Now all she could think about was the relationship with Naoki she had agreed to, and already regretted within hours of accepting the offer.
"What do I do?" she whispered. "I promised him I'd give it a chance."
Nobu met her eyes, and before she knew it he'd leaned in to rest his forehead against hers.
"If you think there's even a chance that he can make you happy, then see what happens," he whispered, and his breath was warm on her face. "But you can tell him no at any time. If it makes you too uncomfortable, then don't let him pressure you into anything."
Now that she was with Nobu like this, she knew deep down that any happiness Naoki could offer her would pale in comparison. But it still didn't feel right to go back on her promise. She'd stick it out, with Nobu's support, and when she'd done it for an adequate amount of time, before any feelings could develop enough to be painful, she'd tell Naoki it wasn't working out. That was something she could do.
"Thank you Nobu." she breathed in relief. "Thank you so much."
•─────⋅雨⋅─────•
Over the next two weeks, while TRAPNEST was on break, Naoki continued to spend most of his free time with Shion. He'd text her throughout the day when they had no plans to go on a date, and when they did meet up several times a week, he always thought of places to go that were comfortable for her. Shion had been taken to places all over Tokyo - private picnics in the park, visiting the aquarium, eating at a small cafe, among other things. While she got the impression that his idea of a fun date was more mischievous than they'd been so far, she appreciated that he was respecting her boundaries and helping her anxiety. He was a dedicated date, and was constantly asking her questions about her life - particularly their shared interest in music.
During one such evening after band practice and leaving Nobu to walk Hachi home, Naoki had picked her up and taken her to a restaurant. It was the sort of establishment where one meal was the same price as an entire week of groceries, but she tried not to cringe as she pointed at the cheapest thing on the menu - which was still enough to make her gape. Afterwards, Naoki had insisted she pick a dessert out too. She was just allowing the gentle flavour of her matcha tiramisu to spread across her tongue when she felt something warm grasp her free hand on the table. Naoki had covered her hand with his. She resisted the urge to pull back, and instead could only watch him, warmth now spreading to her cheeks. Unlike when she held hands with Nobu, she felt extremely self-conscious - painfully so. It wasn't a feeling that she enjoyed having, and it was only out of politeness that she continued to endure it.
"Is this okay?" Naoki asked her, his eyes concerned.
"Yeah, it's fine." she lied. He flashed her a smile and she did her best to mirror it, feeling the dread pile up within. All she could think about was what he would try next, and how grateful she was for the table between them in the current moment. She did her best to get back to eating her dessert, but the matcha had lost all of its subtle flavour.
"I wanted to talk to you about something." Naoki said, and her eyes slid up slowly. His face was serious, and she almost jumped out of her skin when he began to rub small circles on the back of her hand with his thumb. "Tomorrow is my last day of break before TRAPNEST gets back to work."
She nodded. "It sure passed quickly, huh?"
He smiled. "I wanted to thank you for being so understanding. Even though I've tried my best to make you feel comfortable since we decided to try this out, I know for you it's probably still been quite sudden."
It was like he'd read her mind. Only Nobu and Nana had ever been this good at reading her, and it was startling. Guilt tugged at her heart as she thought about how uncomfortable she felt, despite his best efforts to make it not so. If only she had the ability to fall in love… but would she want to, even then?
"I want to make tomorrow night really special," he continued. "And I want you to know what I'm planning in advance, Shion-chan." Naoki took a deep breath. "I'm going to ask you to be my girlfriend - for real this time, not just as a trial period. Before, I was going to wait as long as it took to make you fall in love with me but… I can't help it now. More than anything, I want you Shion. I want to be your strength and your support."
She opened her mouth to speak, but he spoke again before she could. "I don't want an answer now." he said. "I just - would you please think really hard about your own feelings before tomorrow?"
Shion nodded, and he relaxed again. Then, as though the previous talk had never happened, Naoki struck up a new conversation about his bandmate Takumi and his suspicious relationship with Hachi, all while Shion's mind was still reeling from his confession. She was relieved when Naoki eventually paid the bill and they left. He was still chatting away cheerfully as he drove her home.
"I'll pick you up tomorrow night, Shion-chan," he winked at her when they arrived.
"Okay." she murmured. And then he was off again, leaving her to watch his car disappear from sight.
•─────⋅雨⋅─────•
Takumi was sitting at the table with Hachi when she opened the door. At her arrival the two of them raised their eyebrows at her apparent state.
"I thought you were with Naoki, but you look like you've just come back from war." Takumi commented.
"Don't go there." Shion muttered, putting her violin case down and flopping unceremoniously into the chair next to him, resting her head in her arms on the table. She was too tired to care that he was in her home.
Hachi was more sympathetic. "What happened, Shion-chan?"
Shion closed her eyes and let out a sigh. "It's not working. The whole dating thing. I knew it wouldn't but I said yes anyway and now I'm in the bigger mess that I predicted I'd be in. What the hell is wrong with me?"
"Love is complicated," Hachi began. Shion let out a laugh. "You're telling me." She knew the day would come when she needed to reject Naoki, but now that the day was almost upon her, the reality of what she had done washed over her. She'd never planned to date him properly in the first place. She'd taken advantage of Naoki's feelings for her, who had hoped with each passing day that his affections would one day be returned, and she had known from day one that it was never going to happen.
Shion got to her feet, grabbing her violin case and then trudged to her room. There was no point in thinking it over anymore. She just needed to escape it for a while, and sleep could do just that for her.
Unfortunately, her brain wasn't in a generous mood and she found herself staring at the ceiling for at least an hour, as tired as ever, but not even close to falling asleep. The time told her it was almost midnight, but suddenly being stuffed in her room made her feel like a bird trapped in a cage.
"I need to get out of here," she whispered, already pulling her clothes back on. She opened her door slowly, wondering if Hachi and Takumi were still out there, but the lights were off. She was so out of it, she hadn't even heard him leave. Or maybe he was staying the night? Shion wondered if she should leave a note so that Hachi knew where she was, but thought against it. She had no paper to write on anyway, and if she texted Hachi it might wake her housemate up.
I'm not gonna be long anyway… I think. She locked the front door after her, pocketing her keys as she headed towards the staircase. To be completely honest, she had no idea what she was doing - just that she needed to be out and about, or at the very least needed a breather. Rather than being anxious at being out so late at night, which she had no doubt she would be if her brain wasn't already overloaded with other things, she decided to treat it like she was on an adventure. Adventures were fun, so this would be no different.
She walked up the road, and before she knew it she was by the bus stop near the convenience store. Images of what had happened at the park flashed through her mind, and her pace quickened as she passed it. Where was she headed? Her legs seemed to have a mind of their own. Suddenly she was passing the band's practice studio, the record shop she worked at, and the rest of the main shopping district beyond that. When she finally stopped, Shion blinked. In front of her was a door, and when she realised where she was she clapped her hands over her mouth.
"Why the hell am I here?" she whispered, horrified. The light in Nobu's apartment was still on which was strange since it was almost one in the morning and they had work later on. She thought about going back home, but being snapped back to reality had made her realise how sore her legs were from walking so far. Instead, she plucked up the courage to knock on the door.
She heard shuffling and then the door cracked open.
"I told you to leave me alone!" It was Nobu's voice, but he sounded so small, so broken that she barely recognised him. When his face peered out and his eyes registered Shion standing there, they widened in shock.
"Shion? What the hell are you doing here so late?"
She'd forgotten all about her own worries. "Forget me," she said. "What about you?! You look awful." His eyes were red from crying; something that he must have been self-conscious of because the moment she spoke he rubbed his face with his sleeve. Without waiting to be invited in, she pushed past him. He shut the door and watched as she regarded him with her arms crossed.
Shion scanned the room, which smelled strongly of alcohol. There were empty beer cans discarded throughout the room. "Did you drink all of this by yourself?" she asked.
He rubbed his neck sheepishly. "Ah, well, Shin was here too a while ago."
"But you drank most of this yourself?"
Nobu nodded, avoiding her eyes. She sighed and gestured for him to sit down at the table which he did. Without saying a word more, she spent the next ten minutes cleaning up the room - collecting the beer cans in a rubbish bag, and getting Nobu a glass of water, which he tentatively sipped as she cleaned. When she was finished she let herself sink to the floor, at the table across from him.
"What happened?" she asked him gently. "I thought you were walking Hachi home."
"Is he still there?" Nobu said, not looking up.
"Who?"
"Takumi." Nobu muttered. "We were walking home and then Nana-chan started acting all strange, and then before I know it Takumi's just standing there telling me that he'll take her home instead."
"Oh." That explained Takumi's sudden appearance at their apartment. She tapped the table slowly. "I didn't see them when I left." It wasn't a lie, exactly. The last thing she wanted to do was add more fuel to the fire. Nobu just sighed.
"It hurts seeing her being used like that," he said. "There's no way Takumi would actually consider taking things with her seriously, but he still shows up out of nowhere because he knows that she loves him."
"Takumi's a playboy?" Shion said. "I thought that was Naoki?"
Nobu shook his head. "Yasu said that Naoki didn't really do that kind of stuff once the band got serious, but Takumi is almost infamous for sleeping with fans." He bit his lip. "I don't wanna talk about it anymore."
"But-" Shion began to protest but Nobu looked at her pleadingly, and she could see how tired he was. He switched the focus of the conversation to her instead.
"How was the date with Naoki?"
It was Shion's turn now to look away. "He told me his feelings are stronger than ever and tomorrow he's going to ask me to be his girlfriend. For real this time." She leaned backwards so she was laying down, staring up at the ceiling. "I know I need to reject him but… I wonder if I'll be able to in the moment. Even now there's a part of me that thinks if I stay with him long enough my feelings with change. He's a nice guy, and the time I've spent with him has been enjoyable, even despite the more uncomfortable moments."
Nobu crawled around the table until he was staring down at her. "But if you tell him you want to be with him, he'll take that as a message that the uncomfortable parts aren't uncomfortable at all for you."
"I know." Shion said. "But I think I could endure it."
"Shion, don't you see how wrong that is?" he said. For the first time since she'd met him, he sounded disappointed, and that disappointment was directed at her. Forget the pit in the bottom of her stomach - she wanted a hole in the ground to swallow her up. His eyes were still watching her, and she couldn't bear it any longer. She covered her face with her arms.
"I know," she whispered. "But sometimes I feel so lonely I just want to die." She rubbed her eyes before the tears could escape. "Always being alone at school, having such a fucked family life - I feel like I'm constantly playing catch up in my life. Knowing that I'll never love anyone romantically when I see everyone swearing on their lives that love is what makes the world go round… I feel like a freak. Like a jigsaw piece without a puzzle." Her voice cracked, and she bit her lip. "I know what I'm doing to Naoki is wrong! I've known it ever since I planned to break up with him the day I agreed to date him! But there's this hole in my life, and it's killing me. I don't care about what it does to me, or how it makes others around me perceive me, and I hate that I'm making good people around me suffer. Even that creep who paid me to kiss him - there was a part of me that craved that human touch because it made me feel wanted and I didn't have to worry about anyone's feelings." She wiped her face again and got to her feet, heading for the door. "I need to go." She'd revealed too much and she didn't want to see the disappointment in Nobu's face again. That really would kill her.
"Wait!" He grabbed her hand and tugged her towards him - using a little too much force. Shion stumbled on her feet as she tried to protect her previously injured ankle and ended up on the ground. Beneath her, Nobu groaned in pain, and she realised that he'd broken her fall.
"Nobu? Are you okay?" Immediately she pulled herself off him and turned around to crouch in front of him. He rubbed his head, smiling apologetically.
"I don't know why I did that," he admitted. "It was pretty uncool. Sorry. Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine." She went to stand back up but his hand once again reached out to grab hers. She watched him closely. "Nobu?"
"If I promise you don't have to worry about my feelings," he said slowly. "Can I… can I hold you?"
The confusion on her face must have shown. "Hold me?"
He leaned forward, his arms ready to encircle her, but his eyes searched hers for consent first. When she nodded, he drew her into his chest, and before she knew it instinct took over and she buried her face into the crook of his neck. It was far more intimate than the time he'd comforted her, but this didn't feel uncomfortable at all. All she could think about was the genuine connection she felt to the person holding her. Even if he didn't love love her, she knew that he loved her in the same way she loved him. Their feelings were equal, and they were both on the same page. She felt that, more than anything. This was the touch she had craved, and her emotions got the better of her.
"I love you Nobu," she murmured. "I really do."
He hugged her tighter, and she melted into him. The two of them fell backwards, and he laid on his back as she cuddled up to his chest. She felt warm, but the idea that the warmth could disappear at any moment scared her. I never knew what a clingy person I was until I met Nobu. Just holding her like this, it was nice, but it wasn't enough. She raised her head to look at Nobu, only to realise he had been watching her, his face still red from the alcohol. Maybe in the morning he'd remember this moment and think of it as nothing more than a drunken mistake. Even so, she wouldn't trade it for anything.
Then, as though he'd read her mind, his hand moved to cup her cheek; touching her so gently that she barely felt his hand against her skin. It was no good at all. She placed her hand over his, so that his skin was pressed more firmly, more securely against hers. That was better. Soon his face was so tantalisingly close to her own, and their breath mingled together. At first, he pressed his forehead against hers, much like what he'd done before, hesitant to go any further.
Shion took a deep breath, and then closed the gap between them, their lips colliding. He was gentle at first, kissing her tenderly, but the longer it went on, the more eager she got. She needed to be closer, closer, closer…
Eventually they found themselves on his bed, still wrapped up in each other. Nobu gasped his next words out in between kissing along her jaw and down her neck. "Do you… want to…? Should we…?"
Shion held his face with both hands, and they stopped momentarily.
"I want to," she told him breathlessly. "I want to but if you don't-"
"I do!" Nobu said, kissing her forehead. "But… this is your first time, isn't it? You don't have to do anything you don't want to."
"I want to," she repeated. "There's no one I trust more than you."
And so they continued. Shion's heart felt like it would burst as he held her hand against his bare chest, and she felt his heart beating beneath her fingers. Never in a million years did she ever think she'd let someone touch her in the way he was; cherishing every part of her body with his supple, tender lips. Every touch, every kiss, every caress: it was all for her and she couldn't get enough. It hurt, but he made sure his movements were slow at first and the heat their bodies bathed each other in made her lose herself entirely. She clung to him desperately, as though he might disappear at any moment, begging him to stay with her.
Then it was over, and they snuggled up together, listening to their short puffs of breath.
Shion propped herself up on one elbow so she could kiss the tip of his nose, and then she noticed his expression. "Nobu?" he looked conflicted. "What's wrong?"
"You know that I'm not in love with you, right?" he murmured.
"Yeah. And you know I'm not in love with you." she said.
"Then… this isn't wrong, is it?"
Shion tapped lightly on his chest. "I know you're in love with Hachi. I… I didn't do this to try and make you forget about her. I just… it's difficult to explain." She hid her face in his chest. "A few months ago I was too shy to be in the same room as you and now I've done this? You're just… you're really special to me."
"And you're really special to me too." Nobu said. "To be honest, I felt a bit jealous when I found out you were going to date Naoki but I knew I had no right to be. I guess my ego just didn't like the idea that you were relying on someone else other than me."
"I always rely on you," Shion agreed. "I didn't talk to you about Naoki because… I didn't want to rely on you too much. I don't want to be a burden."
"You've never been a burden, Shion-chan." he told her. "To see you go from being so shy, to being an independent, brilliant violinist - I'm so proud of you. You've come such a long way since then; you shouldn't feel ashamed at all."
"Then you understand why I wanted to do this with you, don't you?" she said, gesturing to the two of them. "Why I wanted you to be my first? I wanted to show you… I wanted you to feel my gratitude towards you, and the respect and love I have for you. I could do it because of you."
There were tears leaking down his cheeks, and she gently wiped them away with the pad of her thumb. He smiled sadly at her.
"I don't know what this means for us… I love Hachi - I really do. But my feelings towards you... I need some time to think, and you do too. For now, we should just sleep." He pulled her back into his chest and she sighed, her body relaxing. The tiredness she felt soon sent her off into a deep sleep, and she savoured the last few moments of bliss before she was forced to face the complications that morning would bring.
•─────⋅雨⋅─────•
