Hello :) I want to apologise for not updating in so long. You might have seen but I have been struggling really badly with depression - I am now taking a semester off uni to try and get better and focus on mental health. This is the first thing I have written in months so I am very sorry if it isn't the best: I'm a little rusty hehe.
Thank you very much for leaving comments over the last year. It means so much to me that there are people who really wanted me to update this story.
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TRIGGER WARNING: REFERENCES TO SEXUAL ASSAULT, DEPRESSION, SUICIDE, AND CHILDHOOD ABUSE THROUGHOUT THE STORY.
The day had started off surprisingly normal. Shion had been gently shaken awake by Nobu, who had given her a small smile as she groggily did her best to make herself look presentable. She hadn't been planning to stay overnight so she only had the clothes she'd worn yesterday and had to make do with combing through her short hair with her fingers. If she looked like a mess Nobu didn't seem to notice. He pushed a piece of toast in her hand just before they left for work and she chewed it thoughtfully as they began walking side by side.
"Did Hachi text you?" Nobu said eventually.
Shion shook her head. "No, why?"
"I just wondered… she might have been worried that you didn't come home last night."
"She didn't know I'd left," Shion pointed out. "So it's probably fine."
"Yeah."
They walked the rest of the way in silence, and by the time they'd arrived and started their shift at the record store, Shion knew that something was up. Nobu wasn't acting normally at all. She was tending the counter for the day and Yoshida-san had kept Nobu busy with unpacking several boxes of new records that had come in. It had been busier than usual, and it wasn't until the afternoon when they were almost finished that they realised why. A group of high school students had entered and their expressions lit up when they saw Nobu down one of the isles.
"It's him!" A girl squealed. "It's really him! I told you he worked here, didn't I?!"
Her friends shared her excitement. "Should we… go and talk to him?"
"Can I help you?" Shion spoke up, and the group's attention turned to her. But rather than seeing annoyance in their eyes from the interruption like she had expected, their attitude became even brighter.
"Shion-chan too! I had no idea she worked here with Nobu-san." The girl nudged one of the boys beside her who flushed and looked away. The girl just laughed and approached the counter.
"I'm Tanaka Yumi!" she said brightly. "I went to your last concert - we all did. I was part of the old BLAST fanclub so I was super excited when I heard Nana had reassembled the band. You guys are even better than before! Even without Ren."
Shion smiled, her tummy in a knot of butterflies. She hadn't planned to encounter fans anytime soon. Usually they would flock to Nana after concerts. Even so, wasn't coming to their workplace a bit… invasive? It reminded her of the time she'd been stalked and the feeling didn't sit right with her, but the last thing she wanted to do was bring it up to people who supported BLAST.
"Ne," Yumi-san said. "Could you introduce us to Nobu? And then can we get your autographs? Please?"
Behind Yumi-san, the rest of her group shared her pleading eyes. Shion did her best to smile. "Of course." She gestured for them to follow her as she approached Nobu and explained the situation to him. If he was uncomfortable at all he didn't show it - and he chatted good-naturedly with each of them before signing the things they requested, while Shion followed his lead.
They were still thanking him when he escorted them outside, his smile showing no signs of wear at all. Shion thought it was damn right admirable. She understood that BLAST was beginning to garner the public's attention but that didn't mean she knew how to deal with it. Thank goodness she had Nobu and Nana to take the pressure off her. She didn't have to be super charismatic - just polite.
She thought after that encounter things with Nobu might have eased slightly but by the time work finished he was being just as strange as he had all day. He might as well have been wearing a shirt that said I don't know how to act around you now. Shion felt she should probably do her best to reassure him. He was the sort of person that always tried to be considerate around others - the least she could do for him when he was this troubled was try to alleviate some of his worries.
"You don't need to treat me differently, Nobu," she told him. Nobu seemed surprised, but his face reddened and she knew she'd been spot on.
"I wasn't… is what I want to say but I guess I have been acting weird this morning." He grinned sheepishly, but his eyes were still a bit distant.
At that moment her phone buzzed with a message from Naoki.
Looking forward to seeing you tonight!
Shion sighed and then immediately felt awful. Naoki had been nothing short of a true gentleman and here she was dreading to see him again. Only time would tell if she had the guts to tell him the truth tonight. What she really wanted to do was clear her head and forget about her social life for just a moment longer. With that in mind she headed home after work, bidding farewell to Nobu; mind set on playing violin for the few hours she had until Naoki came to pick her up.
She had bought a violin mute for her classical violin - something she'd completely forgotten even existed - so that she could practice quietly for a little while in the apartment. There wasn't enough time for her to go to the practice studios but the electric violin didn't have the sound she wanted to practice with.
She launched back into playing her old setlist from La Priorité and the music washed over her, leaving her head clear from relationship complications. The mute kept the majority of the sound vibrations from escaping - leaving her violin just loud enough that she could hear what she was doing.
Eventually her phone buzzed again, signalling that her time was up. Shion reluctantly packed up her violin only to realise she hadn't made any effort to get ready for what Naoki had insisted would be a 'very special night'. It wasn't like she had an abundance of clothes to choose from either though. He'd have to make do with her cleanest tunic top pulled over a fresh pair of black jeans. At least she was presentable, although there wasn't much else to say.
He was happy to see her nonetheless. "How was your day?" he wanted to know. She told him about the fan encounters at work, but emitted the parts in which she stayed over at Nobu's. Even though she knew that night meant something completely different to the pair of them, even she was aware that admitting to someone you're dating that you slept with 'someone else' wasn't good, no matter what context went with it.
Naoki laughed as she mentioned Yumi-san's enthusiasm. "BLAST has some good fans," he said, sounding almost envious. "I love doing the meet and greets but with so many concerts during our tour it felt more like I was getting caught up in obligation to fans rather than a decent conversation with supporters. Does that sound weird?"
"Not at all." His comments had surprised her. She'd always assumed he loved interacting with fans no matter how insignificant those interactions were. People like him were supposed to be a sponge for that kind of attention. Naoki continued to chat about this and that as he drove - and before she knew it he had pulled into the hotel TRAPNEST were staying in for their break.
"I figured we could get room service, if that's good with you?" he offered. "I spent the day cleaning up and making my room look a bit better… I'm a bit ah… messy."
Shion stifled a laugh. "Me too." She felt a bit better now that she knew she wasn't about to walk into another fancy restaurant wearing what she had on. Room service was perfect. He led her through the entrance and punched the floor number into the elevator.
His room was massive - and clearly he'd done a lot more than just clean up. The white duvet on the four poster bed was sprinkled with red rose petals that trailed all the way from the door. A table was by the window that overlooked a marvellous city view and she could hear the faint bubbling of a jacuzzi coming from the ensuite; the door ajar for her to see candles lit all around the tub.
Inside, her stomach squirmed. This was theoretically the most perfect date she had ever had. Which would be great if she wasn't so uncomfortable. When was she supposed to break the illusion of their relationship? Already she could feel his gaze on her, gauging her reaction. She didn't want to disappoint him now that she'd seen how much work he'd put into this.
She smiled gratefully. "It looks amazing in here."
The smile she got back was flooded with relief. "I was worried it might be too much." He nervously rubbed the back of his neck but she saw some of the tension in his shoulders disappear. Naoki walked over to the table by the window and pulled one of the seats out, gesturing for her to take her seat. She slowly made her way over to join him. Once they had both decided on food, Naoki poured them both glasses of champagne and raised his glass with a bright smile.
"To you Shion!" he chirped happily, "And to whatever decision you decide to make tonight."
Shion smiled weakly, clinking her glass to his before taking a large gulp. The alcohol burned her throat but the sensation was a familiar one. She knew it was bad to rely on alcohol but… just this once wouldn't hurt, right? She was awkward enough as a person without being on edge the whole time because of the elephant in the room.
They talked for a while about this and that - Naoki had begun to recount stories of the crazy things he and the rest of TRAPNEST had done while on tour and she had nodded along and inserted her own remarks - becoming wittier (or snarkier) with each mouthful of champagne she took. By the time the food had arrived she was halfway through her second glass - on an empty stomach.
Needless to say at the sight of her gorgeous meal Shion perked up considerably. It was some sort of Western dish she'd never had before but she tucked in eagerly, her smile growing as she chewed happily. Naoki watched her with amusement but said nothing until they were both finished. Then he mentioned the very thing she had been dreading.
"Hey Shion-chan, is it okay if I ask you for your answer now?"
She felt her smile fade and she wrung her hands together, not knowing how to proceed. She had to reject him. She had to. Whatever this was between her and Naoki needed to end before she hurt him even more.
Shion let out the breath she had been holding and tried focusing on her next words; a task that was made harder by the alcohol she had consumed.
"You don't want someone like me, Naoki." she sighed.
Naoki frowned. "What are you talking about?"
"I'm a bad, bad, bad person," she told him. "You probably think I'm all innocent just because I'm shy but you're wrong. I use people to make me feel better and I know it's wrong but I can't stop myself from doing it. I used Nobu. I used that stalker. And I used you. I knew from the moment I agreed to your request I could never return your feelings but I hated the idea of being alone so much that I lied to myself and dated you anyway." Her eyes had dropped to the table now and she didn't have the courage to look at him as she admitted the terrible things that had been plaguing her.
"I felt so guilty using you. Whenever we spent time together I would feel happy but uncomfortable as well. But I kept seeing you over and over because even though I was still uncomfortable it was better than being alone and facing my reality. You shouldn't love me at all - you should hate me!"
They were both silent after that for a long time. Shion still couldn't look up so she could only guess what Naoki was feeling right now. He probably hated her. He should hate her. What she had done to him was awful: stringing him along like it was nothing.
Eventually she couldn't take it anymore. She dragged her eyes upwards and they widened in shock. Naoki was smiling at her; it was the softest smile she'd ever seen. His eyes were a mixture of sadness and relief - relief for what though, she didn't know.
But there was definitely no hatred.
"What if I didn't mind being used?" he said.
She was speechless. Naoki continued. "I knew from the beginning that you might never reciprocate my feelings, Shion-chan. That doesn't mean you took advantage of my feelings for you. Even if you weren't completely comfortable around me, if I made you feel even the slightest bit happy when we were together then it was all worth it to me."
That was wrong. That was so wrong! How could he just let her off the hook like that?! He should be yelling and accusing her and saying hurtful things that were all the truth. His understanding twisted her insides up and she felt anger bubble up within her. How could he be happy with how she had treated him?
She wanted to yell her frustrations out, to scream at him until he did hate her. His eyes were so kind it felt as though they were piercing her.
"I slept with Nobu!" she blurted out.
His smile faded and his eyes clouded. Ah, there it was. The hurt that she had been craving to see. The anger and disappointment.
"I see," he said quietly. "When was this?"
"Last night." she said.
"After I dropped you off?"
She nodded.
"I see." Naoki dropped his gaze. His eyes were dull with defeat and in that moment Shion had never hated herself more. Every word her stepmother had said about her was true. She was a poisonous, spiteful, self-centered creature. She didn't deserve anyone's love, let alone Naoki's.
She stood. "I should go."
Naoki blinked and then came to. "So this is it then? This is your answer?"
Shion turned her back on him and headed for the door, pausing just before she opened it. "I'm so sorry." her voice was barely audible. "I'm so, so sorry."
And with that she left, not letting herself stop to look behind her.
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Shion returned home by foot and collapsed in her room, mentally and physically drained. Naoki's face was still vividly burned into her brain and it kept adding to the dark cloud that was enshrouding her mind. For the following week she turned her phone off and barely left her room except for water and bathroom breaks late at night. She had no appetite at all and didn't bother eating. Nana still hadn't come back from visiting Ren so it was relatively easy to avoid people. No one else had come over and Hachi seemed preoccupied with her own issues. With how things had gone between him and Hachi, Shion doubted that Nobu would come and force her out of her room and risk seeing Hachi; she was relying on that.
Most days she barely had the strength to get out of bed. She would spend day after day in her dark room, hiding underneath the covers despite the summer heat boiling her.
She hadn't called in late for work all week and she hadn't gone to the scheduled band practice that evening. Her absence would have alerted everyone to her situation so when she heard her friends enter the apartment that night she already expected the knock on the door and dipped her head under the covers so she could try and block out the voice that called out to her.
"Shion?" It was Nobu. "Shion, are you there? Are you okay?"
Her heart ached to call out but she bit her lip until she tasted blood; it mingled with the taste of the silent tears running down her face. She didn't deserve to see any of them. No doubt they would overwhelm her with kindness and sympathy that she didn't deserve.
"Shion-chan?" Now it was Hachi that called out to her. "Please open the door, ne. We just want to make sure you're okay. We're all really worried about you."
I must never open the door, she told herself firmly. I have to stay here, in the dark where no one can see me. Where I can't see anyone. I can't hurt anyone here. I don't have to do anything here.
When it became clear that she wasn't going to open the door for them she heard her friends take seats at the table and talk amongst themselves. She heard muffled voices relay their worries for Shion and ten minutes later the conversation moved to the concert that they had the following week that would be their make or break moment with Gaia Records who would have an agent attending to judge them.
Still, it was the first time she'd heard her friends' voices in what felt like forever and it comforted her nonetheless to know they were nearby. Their voices lulled her into an uneasy sleep.
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Shion didn't know how much time had passed when she awoke to the sound of a gentle tapping on her door. The common area outside seemed to be quiet; everyone must have gone to bed or left already. And then she heard the tapping again and she had a feeling she knew exactly what the cause of it was. Silently she slipped out of her futon and crawled across the floor until she sat with her knees tucked up to her chin, sitting in front of the door.
"I don't know if you're awake or not." Nobu murmured softly through the door. "But Naoki told Yasu everything that happened the other night. No one else knows - we didn't tell anyone else, so don't worry." She froze. Naoki had told Yasu what had happened?
"You're not a bad person Shion." Nobu said quietly. "You take onboard everyone's feelings and never put your own first. I know you're probably thinking the worst of yourself right now… but I want you to know that I'm here and I understand and I miss you. So please don't cry by yourself in there anymore. I'm here for you whenever you need me - that's what I came to say."
With that she heard him pause for a second longer, perhaps listening for any signs of her response before she heard him get to his feet and open the front door.
She let out the breath she had been holding in and buried her head in her hands as her heart throbbed had she let things become so complicated?
She wasn't to know that the worst was yet to come.
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