CHAPTER 7
BIG SEX WARNING!
Skylar laid awake in bed all that night, just staring at the ceiling. The guilt of sleeping with Benjamin was still eating her alive. She knew Roger was right, she hadn't done anything wrong. She and Ian were not married so she hadn't in any way been unfaithful to him. But she did still think of him as her husband, and was still only allowing herself to be known as Mistress Murray. So to her, according to the illogical part of her brain screaming at her, she had been.
Another part of her anxiety over this was coming from the idea that because she had now been with someone else, it meant Ian would now move on from her.
Which is so stupid! she tried to argue with herself. He can't, like, sense from hundreds of miles away that I had sex with someone. It's not like he has a spidey sense and is like 'oh, Skylar fucked another man, I can finally marry the new woman I love.'
As ridiculous as all her thoughts over this were, they kept her tossing and turning until Ollie started crying in the early morning, telling his mom he was awake. After she got him and her dressed and had breakfast, she sought out Bree and Marsali to talk this all through.
She brought them into the kitchen and blurted the whole thing out.
"Holy shit," was Bree's first reaction. "I can't believe you actually did it. I mean, I'm so happy you did, I think you really needed it, but I still can't believe you really went through with it."
"It was kind of a, uh, split second decision," Skylar added.
"And so? How was it?" Marsali pressed, very eager to hear details. "Benjamin is a verra attractive man. It must've been pleasant, in the least."
"It was...fine."
"Fine? That's it?"
"I was kinda distracted during it."
"What do you mean distracted?" Brianna asked.
"Um, I couldn't pay attention to him, or-or, like, I couldn't make my brain focus on him, that I was with Benjamin. It kept focusing on...another time, with someone else." Marsali and Bree both nodded to show they understood what she was trying to say.
"But, maybe now that your first time with someone new is done, you'll be able to enjoy it more the next time."
"Oh, no. There's not going to be a next time. The guilt I felt, and still feel, is too awful. I can't deal with that all over again."
"But ye've nothin' te feel guilty fer," Marsali reminded her.
"I know that. Deep inside me, I know that. It's just…I-I don't even know, and I-"
"Skylar." Bree took her hand. "I know that you are still devoted to Ian, and that you always will be. And that's okay. It's more than okay. There's nothing wrong with that. But, wasn't it at all fun, or nice, just the smallest bit, to kiss someone again and have someone touch you and want you again?"
Skylar was hesitant to reply, her guilt rising again at what she knew her answer was. "I mean…I-I-I…I guess, yeah."
"Then why give that up? There is an incredibly good looking man right here who is wild about you. Enjoy that, if only just once or twice more. You deserve to have a life, Sky."
"Also, like Brianna said," Marsali continued, "now that the first time wi' him is out of the way, along with the guilt that came with it, which ye said yerself is misplaced, ye can actually let yerself like it."
Skylar bit her lip, thinking. "I don't want to hurt him. Benjamin doesn't deserve to have his heart stomped on."
"We aren't saying lead him on forever. Just, set up boundaries with him. Tell him what you want and then see if he goes along with it," Bree explained.
"Aye, then it's his own choice. If he says yes, that's great! Have at it. If he says no, well…ye dinna want a real relationship wi' him, so ye've nothin' te lose."
"Christ," Skylar muttered as she ran her fingers through the tangles in her waves. She crossed her arms and leaned back in her chair. "I don't know. I just…I'm not saying yes or no to anything right now. I need to take a minute. This is all just a lot."
That minute turned into three weeks of avoiding Benjamin at all costs. Whenever he was around, she made sure that she was not in his sight. Sometimes it meant making a beeline for the closest hiding space before he could notice her when he would suddenly appear; including behind trees, random doors, curtains, even people nearby to her.
She also felt bad because in order to avoid him, she wouldn't take Ollie down to see the horses. He was starting to speak more, and his new phrase he would say over and over was, "Mama, horse, peas;" his 16 month old attempt at the word "please." He had even found the motivation to take his first steps by trying to go to the stables himself.
"I'm sorry, sweetheart. But the horses are all sick today and they need their rest," would be one of her many excuses. It would then break her heart to see his smile diminish and he would be sad for a few minutes until his attention would be grabbed elsewhere.
This is so stupid. I'm not a teenager in high school. This isn't the 21st Century, I can't just ghost him. I need to deal with this somehow.
She, Brianna and Marsali had several more conversations on the subject over those weeks. It pretty much went exactly the same as their first; Bree and Marsali would tell her that she was allowed to have a life, a sex life included, and she wouldn't be being unfaithful. Skylar would say she understood that, but it would still make her feel guilty to be with someone else. She would go back and forth with shutting out any possibility of a casual relationship with Benjamin, and actually considering it.
I really wouldn't be doing anything wrong. He is not my husband anymore. It wouldn't be cheating. But I still think of him as my husband. And he's Ollie's father, which really doesn't have anything to do anything, but to me it does, I guess? Why? Why is this something I'm so stressed about?
Finally, after many sleepless nights and talks with her sisters, she decided to go along with them and try a "friends with benefits" kind of situation with Benjamin.
I mean, sex is a human thing. I can't deny myself that. Marsali and Bree are right. It wouldn't be fair for me to do that, and probably not healthy. I can't just stop living. I could actually like it, and it could help me start healing, maybe. Like, actually healing.
So that afternoon, after she had put Ollie down for his nap, she went out looking for Benjamin, forcing herself to not turn back as she did. She ended up finding him sitting on the ground next to the tables of butchers, that being his job for the day. He was talking with some of his friends who were also taking a break. She stared at him for a minute, rethinking everything.
Just go do it. If he says no, he says no and there's no harm done.
She took a breath and went the rest of the way to him.
"Benjamin?" she spoke. He looked up and, at seeing her, immediately go to his feet.
"Mistress Murr- um, I mean, Skylar. Good afternoon. What can I do fer ye?" He stood very straight with his hands clasped behind his back. She could tell it was a struggle for him to look her in the eye, but he made himself do it to not bring any suspicion.
"Could I speak to you for a minute? Alone?" She glanced at his friends behind him who were all giving side glances to each other and quietly making fun of their friend since they obviously knew of his feelings for her. But at the same time, they were very curious as to what business he had with her that would require them to talk privately.
Benjamin's face was growing redder by the second, but he nodded and said, "Aye, of course." He followed her to behind stables were she felt sure no one would see them.
Before she could get a word out, he told her, "I-I just would like te say, I'm verra sorry if I upset ye the, um, other day. I didna mean anythin' that…I-I mean, I had no intention of doin' anythin' like…I'm sorry, is what I'm tryin' te say. And I havena told anyone about it, not a soul. I swear te ye that I will take it te me grave should ye wish it."
"I really appreciate all of that, Benjamin. But that's not what this is about. I mean, it is, but not about you not telling people. That's not what I wanted- What I wanted to talk to you about is, um- Jesus Christ." She looked off to the side and put her hands on her hips, trying to think of the most polite way to ask this.
I don't think there is a proper way to ask someone for casual sex though. So, I haven't gotten any in a very long time and, since you like me, do you wanna help me out with that?
Out loud, she decided to just spit it out. "What I wanted to talk to you about is...would you be interested in a relationship between us that is only physical?"
His reaction built over the next minute. His face went deathly pale and his eyes grew as large as dinner plates. "I...I-I, um, I beg yer pardon?"
"My husband is never coming back. I do not ever want to get married again or anything like that, but...I also don't want live the rest of my life refusing myself a, um...a-a basic human necessity. So, since we've already slept together once, I thought you might be willing to go along with this?" He didn't answer right away. A bright tomato red replaced the ghostly white and he just stood, silent, for a very long time and stared at her. She took his lack of a response as his answer. "Um, you-you know what? Forget I ever said anything. I'm so sorry. This was such an inappropriate proposal and I am so far past embarrassed. I'm so sorry for putting you through that, Benjamin."
She walked past him, planning to go curl into a ball in her room, but Benjamin snapped himself back to reality before she got far and called out, "Skylar, wait!" She stopped walking and turned back to him. When he caught up with her, he continued, "It's not an ina-inappropriate proposal. I apologize if I led ye te believe so. I just needed a, um, moment to figure out if I was really hearin' what-what I was, um, what I was hearin'." She bit her lip and looked down and away from him. She wrapped arms around stomach to make herself feel smaller as she was still mortified at the conversation she had initiated. "If ye are still wantin' te go through wi' it and would like te hear me answer...it-it's yes. I am absolutely willin', more so than, te, um, help ye." Her face shot back up to meet his.
"Are you be...are-are you serious?"
"Aye. Ye ken how much I care fer ye and would do anythin' fer ye. So, if I can be the one te help provide ye some...relief and pleasure, I willna say no te that, as any sane man wouldna." He tried to be subtle about his eyes trailing over her body, but she noticed and felt a blush spread over her face.
"You're sure about this?"
"Only if ye are."
"Well, um...okay then. Do you want to meet tonight, around 10? Ollie will be asleep by then."
Benjamin's whole body went warm and his mouth went instantly dry. He cleared his throat, then said, "Aye, that-that would be, um, ver-verra good."
"Okay. And I'll come to you. I'd rather Dad and Claire didn't know about...this."
"Of course. And I willna tell anyone either, I promise ye."
She nodded once. "Alright. So, I'll see you tonight?"
"Tenight, yes."
She gave him awkward smile and walked away with no idea how she should feel over what she just started.
Skylar was almost hoping that it would be impossible to get Ollie to sleep that night so that she wouldn't be able to meet Benjamin. But, of course, he fell asleep very easily and well before 10:00.
She sat on the edge of her bed, gripping it tight, and her leg wouldn't stop bouncing.
She stared at the wall while she kept telling herself, I set this up. I asked for this. This will be good. Being with someone else, it'll help me move on. I hope.
She decided to change into a dress that was easy to take off so to not waste time and let her hair down loose. When she took off the dress she had worn all day and her shift, she didn't put the new one on right away. She took a couple minutes to look at herself in the mirror. Being pregnant made her body more curvy rather than the straight line it used to be. Her breasts had shrunk after she gave birth, but were still quite a bit larger than how they had been before. Her waist remained small but her hips, backside and thighs had all rounded; not any major amount but enough for her to notice, and she didn't like it. She tried to move as much as she could every day to try to lose the baby weight and look like she used to, but it was being stubborn and hardly any disappeared. Claire, Bree and Marsali kept telling her there was no need for her to "fix" anything about her body, like she always said she needed to do. They all thought the curves were very becoming and beautiful on her, and they talked endlessly about how they wished they looked like she did after having a child. She appreciated their kind words but still found it hard to believe any of them. She ran a hand over her stomach, which was no longer flat, and traced the stretch marks on it that had permanently settled into her skin during the nine months carrying Ollie. She suddenly got very nervous.
This is a mistake. He didn't see my body last time, and now, he'll take one look at me and back out. God, I'm being idiotic. I need to have sex and he wants to have sex with me. It's going to be fine.
She quickly put the dress on before she let her insecurities talk her out of it, and brushed through her hair. She put a dab of her orange blossom perfume on her neck and in her cleavage, the took one last look at herself in mirror. She checked in Ollie's crib to make sure he was still sound asleep, and walked out of her room.
She tried to be as quiet as possible so no one would see or hear her and ask any questions. She had made it past the parlor and was almost to door when she heard, "Skylar?"
She froze.
Goddamnit.
She slowly turned around and went back to parlor. Claire, who had been sitting on the couch reading, had caught her.
Skylar smiled, trying to appear normal. "Claire, hi. I-I didn't know anyone else was awake."
"Couldn't sleep. I thought one of Jamie's farming almanacs would lull me." She placed the book on the cushion next to her. "Are you going somewhere?"
"I was, um, just...going for a walk."
"At 10:00 at night?"
"I also couldn't sleep. Plus, tt's cooler at night than during the day. It's more tolerable."
"And by yourself?"
"I wasn't gonna go far. Just, like, around the house a few times."
"Mmhmm. And the perfume? Who are you trying to smell sweet for, the horses? You know, for someone who claims to have done theatre, you are a terrible liar." Skylar could tell Claire didn't believe her, so she stopped trying with the excuse. She just pressed her lips together and prayed Claire would just forget it and let her go. No such luck. Claire stood up and walked to her. "Does this, by any chance, have anything to do with the very private conversation you and Benjamin Allaway had this afternoon?"
Oh, fuck me.
Skylar stuttered trying to think of yet another, hopefully more believable, excuse. "I, um, I-I...I don't know what you're possibly talking about. I-he, um, w-we didn't…" Claire raised her eyebrows at her and Skylar knew she couldn't get out of it. "Please don't tell Dad."
Claire smiled and chuckled. "I won't say a word, I promise. Now, I'm very happy that you're allowing yourself to continue living your life like this, as you should, but next time you want to have a secret rendezvous, maybe choose a spot that isn't right outside where we all keep our horses, including myself?" Skylar's cheeks turned red and Claire couldn't hold back a snicker. "Also, excellent choice. Benjamin is very good looking and the catch of many an eye of the girls around here."
"Omigod," Skylar muttered, embarrassed. "I won't be gone long, but can you keep an ear out for Ollie, just in case?"
"Of course. And take your time. Have fun," Claire added, not hiding her suggestive tone.
"I hate everything about this conversation." She nearly sprinted out the door before Claire could say another word.
Benjamin's cabin was only a ten minute walk from the Big House. Skylar hadn't been lying about it being cooler at night. She welcomed it against her burning skin. But her body wasn't hot from excitement at what was to come or lust. It was more from nerves and anxiety.
I want this. There's nothing wrong with it. I'm not being unfaithful, he and I are not together anymore. Sex is fun. This is going to be fun.
When she got to his door, she paused for a long time, fighting the urge to turn back. But before she could change her mind, she knocked, and a moment later, it opened with Benjamin standing on the other side.
He smiled, not hiding his own nerves as well as he thought he was. "Skylar. Good evening."
"Hi." She was trying to sound more confident than she was.
"Com-come in." He opened the door wider and stepped out of the way so she could pass through.
He closed the door behind her as she looked around at the room. "Your home is lovely. Very, well, homey."
He walked up beside her. "I thank ye. Tis'nae much. But it's comfortable."
The inside of cabin was well lit by candles that sat on his small kitchen table and shelves which were stocked with books. There was a decent sized fireplace that currently had a warm fire burning inside it and a couple pots for cooking sat beside it. Two windows were built in at the front of the cabin, and in front of one he had placed a desk that was very well organized.
It's more organized than Dad's, she thought, picturing Jamie's desk in his and Claire's room that left barely an inch not covered in paper, ink spills, and whiskey stains.
Standing up on Benjamin's desk were three portraits. Skylar went closer to see who they were.
Benjamin followed her. "That is me Ma and Da, and my wee sister, Mary. They're still back in Scotland."
"They didn't want to come with you?"
He shook his head. "Me parents lived their whole lives in their village and had no interest te leave now. And Mary is only 6, so she is too young te travel. But I write te them, and send money when I'm able."
"That's sweet." Another silence fell over them and Skylar was trying to figure out how best to transition. She looked back to the other side of the room and saw his bed. It was bigger than the one she had when she lived in the original Fraser's Ridge cabin with Jamie and Claire. This one could definitely fit two if needed.
Benjamin saw her staring at it and his heart started to beat even faster than it already was.
"A-a drink, Skylar?"
"Please." He went to a shelf with several bottles of alcohol and took one out along with two cups. He poured a decent amount of what looked like whiskey into each and handed Skylar hers
He raised his cup to her. "Slainte."
She gave a quick smile then brought drink to lips and swallowed it in one gulp. She put the glass on table next to them and then decided to just get to the point.
"Are you sure you want to do this, Benjamin? Because if you feel at all like I'm pressuring you into it, I would never ask-"
"I want it," he stopped her. "I've never felt such a desire fer someone ever before in me life. So, anyway I can have ye, I am a verra willin' participant." He took a few steps closer in towards her until they were practically chest to chest, and he put his hand over hers that was resting on table.
She'd be lying if she said she didn't feel tingles go through her body when he said that and she thought that that was a good sign that she was starting to really want this and would enjoy it. But when she looked up from his hand back to his face, with his pupils so dilated looking at her that his eyes were practically black, it was Ian she saw staring down at her, and her heart nearly stopped.
She screamed at him silently, Get out of my head! You're not here! You're not going to ruin this for me!
Benjamin asked her, "May I kiss ye, Skylar?" but she only heard Ian's voice saying it.
"Yes," she answered quickly, hoping that Ian's image would disappear once they got going.
He didn't waste another second, capturing her lips with his. She stood on her toes and put her arms around his neck. She weaved fingers into the back of his hair while he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her flush against him. The pace of the kiss picked up, and the passion and need Benjamin had for her took over every movement and breath he made.
She started to move them towards the bed as she tried to reciprocate the intensity he was giving her. She stopped a couple feet from the bed and pulled her mouth from his to lift his undershirt over his head. It was clear the long hours of labor paid off. Skylar looked him over and thought he looked like one of those male models on old shopping bags from Hollister. His arms were very muscular but without going over the top. His chest was solid with just a smattering of brown hair over it, and he had a perfect 6 pack of abs. She placed a hand on one of his pecs and slowly dragged it down to the waistband of his pants. He was unbelievably attractive, she couldn't ignore that, But she still didn't feel for him what she so desperately wanted to. She knew exactly why though and she hated herself for it.
Benjamin brought her out of thoughts with, "I want te see ye." His voice had gone half an octave deeper. Skylar looked back up at him. His face was flushed and she could see his chest rising and falling with heavy breathing.
She asked in a soft whisper that he likely had taken as sultry instead of uncertainty, "Help me with the buttons?" She turned her back to him and pulled hair over one shoulder to reveal three small buttons holding her dress closed.
She closed her eyes tight and breathed in and out through her mouth as silently as she could make it.
Please don't be disgusted by me. Please don't be disgusted by me, she thought as she felt him take his time with each one. But would it be the worst thing if he was and then wanted to stop? Her heart picked up at that idea, but she unsure of whether it was from fear it would come true or hope that it would.
When third one opened, she dropped her hands from holding her hair so he could push the dress off her shoulder and down her arms. He then let it fall to the floor around her feet. She didn't move for a while, keeping her eyes closed and trying not to hyperventilate as she felt his stare burning into her back. She then, one half step at a time, turned to face him again. His eyes went from hers all the way down her body, taking care to pause at her breasts and privates. Skylar didn't look away from his face as he did, but she was suddenly feeling a weird kind of dizzy, like she wasn't in reality but in some dreamlike state.
Using what she could see in her peripherals, she listed what she could see in her head to ground her back to the present. Fire, burning orange fire in a fireplace. Bookshelves with framed pictures on top of it. Quilt that is red, green and blue.
And so on.
By the time she finished her list, Benjamin had made his way back to her face. "Jesus Christ in Heaven. Ye are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, Skylar." She didn't answer, she just gave a shy half smile. "May I touch ye?"
"Yes."
He came in closer to her and, very delicately, as if he was testing to see if she was real, put one hand on her waist and slid it around to her back. He raised his other hand to place on her breast. She gasped softly at the contact. He kneaded it gently and ran his thumb over the soft skin and her nipple. He moved his hand down her side, outlining the curve of her waist, then letting it sit on her hip. He dragged the hand still on her back down to her butt and squeezed it. Skylar suddenly closed the small gap between them and pulled him down to her to kiss him. He excitedly returned it and they started to make out fervently.
Though it was all out of lust on Benjamin's side, Skylar had lunged into him because she needed this to happen already. She needed to want him. She needed to feel like she was supposed to, and thought that maybe diving in head first and leading things herself would do that.
They started back towards the bed again. Benjamin's hands were running over as much of Skylar's body as he could reach without breaking the kiss. She brought her hands down his chest again to his pants and opened the button, then pushed them down so they fell to the floor. He stopped them from moving for just a second so he could step out of them. He gripped her back and pulled her even tighter against him. She could feel his hard-on press into her stomach.
He picked her up so that her legs were around his waist and he carried her like that the rest of the way to his bed. He laid her down and let her get situated with her head in the pillow before climbing on top of her.
He kissed her from her lips down her jaw and to her neck and breasts. He pecked, nipped, licked and sucked every inch of exposed skin he could find, feeling encouraged and confident from the moans coming out of Skylar's mouth.
Her body felt like it was on fire in the best way possible. She was finally feeling good and excited and in desperate need of more. But it wasn't because of Benjamin.
Every movement he made, every touch of his hand, every kiss, every nip, it was all Ian.
She was trying to fight the images in her head of Ian. She kept thinking over and over, This isn't you. I'm with Benjamin. Benjamin is doing this. You are not here. Focus on Benjamin.
But as hard as she tried to not think about him, she couldn't help it. The power Ian still had over her was too strong and she was realizing that this was a battle she would not win.
"Ye want me?" Benjamin spoke to her. He reached a hand down to between her legs and rubbed her.
With her eyes still closed, she let her head fall back and answered back, "Yes. Yes, please!" Though in the fantasy she created in her mind, she was saying it to Ian.
Benjamin went back to her neck and hooked one of her legs around him.
You aren't here. I'm not with you. I'm not with you. I'm not with-
She moaned loudly and dug her nails into his back when she felt him push inside her. As he began to move, she no longer bothered to fight off imagining Ian. She let herself feel his touch, hear his voice and see his face behind her closed eyes.
"Omigod," she sighed. "Fuck. Yes. Yes. Oh, like that."
"Jesus Christ. It's so- oh God, it's so good," she heard Ian say, ignoring that it was another man's words.
"Please, please. Keep going. I want to fin- omigod."
Benjamin started to thrust faster, already feeling that his end was close. He wrapped his lips around Skylar's nipple and sucked on it, causing another moan to fall out of her throat. Every noise she made was pushing him closer and closer to the edge.
"Oh, Christ. Shit, Skylar. I don't know how much longer I can last," he spoke into her neck.
"I'm almost there. Wait for me. Please, just a little more," she replied to Ian.
He was now slamming into her, trying to hold off from finishing, but it was impossible.
"Skylar, oh, God!" he cried out as he came, but he made sure to keep moving until she did too; which was not long after.
"Omigod, omigod. I'm gonna c- oh fuck. I-I-I'm go-" Her orgasm cut her off. It shot through her like an electric current, reaching the tips of her fingers and toes and then going back to her core.
She kept her eyes closed as she took deep breaths to calm down. Now that it was over, she could feel her fantasy fading away fast and she wanted to hold onto it as long as she could. But when she felt Benjamin gently kiss her neck and pull out of her, she fully came back to reality. She opened her eyes and looked around, remembering where she was.
She sighed, letting it out slowly. She didn't feel guilty, which was a shock to her.
Though it shouldn't be, since I pretty much just had sex with him instead of-
She looked beside her and saw Benjamin still trying to catch his breath.
Damnit.
Guilt settled in again, but for a different reason.
God, I'm such a bitch. He was having sex with me and I was just completely with someone else. I'm the actual worst.
"Christ alive," Benjamin said once he could breathe. "I thought nothing I would ever experience in me life would ever feel better than the last time. But this...I never believed there was anythin' in this world or the next that could feel like that."
"It was very very good," Skylar agreed. She was being truthful, but it felt like a lie.
He turned his head to face her. "So, ye enjoyed it as well?"
She nodded. "I did." He smiled wide, which made Skylar's stomach turn.
I'm a terrible person. I can't do this to him. I need to end this. Now.
"Benjamin, I think I need to-"
"I need te confess somethin' te ye," he accidentally interrupted.
"Okay. What is it?"
"Yer the first girl I've bedded."
She paused. "What, like, se-seriously?" He nodded. "That just seems...I mean, I-I would never have thought that considering all the girls that throw themselves at you. I would've thought-"
"I never wanted te just lay with a lass just te do it. I actually intended te wait until I was married, but that didna end up happenin'." He chuckled.
Omigod, I really am the actual worst.
"Well, um...I'm sorry, then, that your first time was in the middle of the woods on the dirt and sticks."
"No, no. It was more perfect than what I could ever have imagined. I said I didna just want te lay wi' any lass, but ye are no just any lass. Ye are the most wonderful, special, beautiful woman I have ever met. And I could not be more glad that ye were me first."
Oh no, this is bad.
She could see how strong and deep his feelings for her were and she knew this was only going to end badly.
"I don't think we should continue this, Benjamin." She got out of bed and went to where her dress was still laying on the floor, and it back on. "Remember when I proposed this plan to you, and I said that I did not ever want to be married or engaged or courting and this would be purely physical? I really did mean that. And I really don't want to hurt you. You are such a good man and deserve someone who wants those things, and I am not going to able to give them to you. I can tell just sex isn't going to be enough for you, so we should stop this now before we get too far." She started for the door.
"No! Skylar, wait," Benjamin called after her. He jumped out of the bed and quickly pulled his pants on. He met her where she stopped. "I know what yer conditions were. I heard ye when ye said this was all ye wanted. I heard it, and I respect it. That said, I still want this."
"I just don't know if it's a good idea because you-"
"I want ye, Skylar. I have never wanted anyone or anything as much as I want ye. And if this is how I can have ye, I'm no lettin' it pass me by." He slid his hands around her waist. "If I'm able te have her naked body in me bed, I'd be a fool te say no te that." He leaned down to her and kissed her. And when he took her dress off again and brought her back to his bed, she forgot about how bad she felt two minutes previous, and didn't try to stop the thoughts of Ian. Instead, she let them fill her head until she forgot who she actually was with.
OUTLANDEROUTLANDEROUTLANDEROUTLANDEROUTLANDEROUTLANDEROUTLANDEROUTLANDEROUTLANDEROUTLANDEROUTLANDEROUTLANDEROUTLANDEROUTLANDER
I need to end this. It isn't fair to Benjamin. This is the last time, I swear.
Skylar would say that to herself again and again and again. She would mean it at the time, but then the next day, her cracks from her pain over Ian would multiply and deepen, and she needed to be with him again to seal them, if only for a few minutes at a time.
She would try to play out the same visions she would have of him when she was by herself, but it didn't help. Touching herself wasn't the same as touching another physical body and having him touch her. Then, she could sink deep into her imagination and make it much more real.
So it turned into months of "this is the last time." She and Benjamin would meet at least once a day, and would sneak off back to his cabin or find a secluded spot in the woods. A couple times a week Skylar would also end up in his bed late at night and then be back in her own before the sun was up.
She felt terrible over what she was doing to him. She knew very well he was falling head over heels in love with her, and she was just pulling him along by a string with no intention of ever returning his feelings.
I'm such a shit human being, she would yell at herself. Benjamin is such a good guy and I'm just treating him like dirt! What the fuck is wrong with me?!
It only destroyed her more when she would see how much Ollie liked him. She still took him to see the horses, but now that he was getting a little older, he was starting to like spending time with Benjamin just as much as the animals. He would often go with Benjamin at the stables while Skylar stood back and watched them. They would feed the horses, groom them, and Benjamin would take him into the pen to see them up close and talk to them. The little boy would smile and giggle and just have the time of his life.
Ollie even was wanting to spend time with Benjamin away from the horses. He would see the man outside at one of his other jobs, and would run to him, as fast as his now 20 month old legs could go, and shout, "Benji! Benji! Show me!" He wanted to learn to do everything he saw his new hero do, and Benjamin was more than happy to comply.
It was ripping Skylar apart. Now, not only was she hurting Benjamin by picturing another man every time they would be together, but she was going to break her son's heart when, sooner or later, Benjamin would find out the truth and disappear from her, and ultimately Ollie's, life.
And it didn't help that Ollie was carrying Ian's old bunny around everywhere, just like Ian's parents had said he had at that age. So when he would be attached to Benjamin, Ian's bunny would still be hugged tight in his arm, causing Skylar's pain, guilt, heartbreak, and about every other bad feeling to grow exponentially.
It was growing to a point where it was getting harder to contain. The cracks were getting deeper and there were more very day. Being with Benjamin to be with Ian helped distract her while it was happening, but the moment it was over, she would feel twice as awful as she did before. And it turned into a destructive cycle of being in pain, fill a crack, three more form.
But of course, she never shared a word of it to her family. She didn't want them all to worry over her and be a burden to them, especially not when more important things were happening.
Marsali gave birth to a baby girl in December whom she and Fergus named Joan, after Marsali's sister.
Skylar was elated for them and loved seeing them adore their new daughter, so happy with their family of four. But it also made her think about the future she and Ian never got, and that reminder would build onto her pain and send her to Benjamin, leaving her feeling worse.
Crack. Crack.
Then just a month later, Jemmy turned two. The whole family gathered at Bree and Roger's cabin to celebrate. Skylar was determined to put her issues aside for the night and focus on her nephew, but that was easier said than done.
"Are you feeling alright, Skylar?" Claire asked her when everyone else's attention was elsewhere. "You barely ate any of your dinner and now you didn't even touch your cake."
"Yeah. I-I'm fine. Just not hungry," she lied. The constant anxiety she was filled with was ruining her appetite. She hardly ate or slept, and people were beginning to notice how it was affecting her.
"It seems that you've just not been hungry for a while now. You're also so pale, darling."
"Have you met me? I've always been like Snow White."
"Skylar, I'm being serious. I'm very worried about you. What is going on? Is it Benjamin? Is he causing you any distress?"
More than I can ever put into words, but it's all my fault.
"No. It's nothing, Claire. I promise."
"Sweetheart, I can tell when something is wrong and something is clearly-"
"Claire, please. Just drop it. I'm fine."
Claire was taken aback by Skylar's harsher tone. She didn't take it personally since she knew it was just more proof there was something her daughter wasn't sharing, but she stopped pushing. "Very well." She touched the girl's shoulder tenderly and went to join the others.
Skylar sighed and rubbed her face. I suck. I suck. I suck.
When the party was over and Skylar got back to the Big House, she went straight upstairs to put Ollie to bed and to face another sleepless night for herself.
Jamie had recently made a small real bed for Ollie since he was getting too big for his crib.
"Okay, angel. You all tucked in cozy?" He nodded. "I don't know, it looks like I missed a spot." She pulled the green blanket she knitted him for his first birthday up over his head, making him laugh and pull it back down. She smiled a genuine smile. No matter how much agony she felt throughout the day, just one tiny smile from her baby boy would make her heart feel so light. "Now, here's Sam," she placed the rag doll dog from John Grey in his bed, "and we cannot forget Bibbet." Bibbet was Ian's bunny. It got that name because Skylar was using it to try to teach Ollie to say "rabbit" and he could only get out "bibbet," and the name just stuck.
She held out Bibbet to him, and he grabbed him and hugged him tight.
Skylar ignored the tightness in her chest at the sight and ran her fingers through his fast growing red curls.
"Did you have fun at Jemmy's birthday?"
"Uh huh."
"Good. Do you know how old Jemmy turned today? He turned two." She lifted two of Ollie's fingers to show. "One, two. Two years old. And do you know how old you're going to be in just a few months?"
"Three."
"No, no, silly. You are going to be two too."
"Two too?"
She smiled. "Two too. And you're going to have a big birthday party just like this one with everyone there. Grandda, Nana, Uncle Roger, Auntie Bree, Uncle Fergus, Auntie Marsali, and all your cousins."
"Mama?" he asked.
"Yes, love?"
"I has daddy?"
Crack. Crack.
Skylar's breath got caught in her throat. It was so out of the blue that it took her a moment to wrap her mind around the question. "Of course you have a daddy, sweetheart."
"Where he?" She hesitated, prompting him to go on. "Uncle Fergus, Germain daddy. Uncle Roger, Jemmy daddy. Where mine?"
She knew he was going to ask this question one day, but she never thought it would be this soon. She had hoped she would have more time to think of some story to tell him since he was way too young to understand the truth.
"Well, baby, um...your-your daddy, he..." She was twiddling with her necklace trying to think of something, but the necklace suddenly gave her an idea.
"The reason your daddy doesn't live with us is because he got a very important job that he needed to start before you were born. And to do that job, he needs to live on the moon."
"The moon?"
"Come with me, sweetheart." She picked him up and carried him downstairs and outside to the porch. She pointed up at the moon, which she was glad was full tonight, and said, "There, can you see the face in the moon? The eyes and the mouth?" He nodded. "That's your daddy smiling at you."
"It is?"
"He smiles at you every night and watches over you when you sleep. And he wants to make sure you know he loves you so so much, that he uses every bit of that love to make the moon and stars glow super bright."
Ollie pointed at the moon. "My daddy?"
"That's right, baby. He's right there."
She looked up at the glowing circle in the sky and felt tears string her exhausted eyes as she thought about where Ian actually was, where he had no idea he had a son that wanted so much to meet him.
Crack. Crack.
But she couldn't let Ollie see her cry, so she closed her eyes and took a silent breath to calm down. She kissed his head and said, "Can you tell him goodnight?"
"Night night, Daddy."
"Can you blow him a kiss? You have to blow it super hard to get it all the way to the moon."
Ollie kissed his tiny hand, then took a huge breath and blew it all out, making Skylar chuckle. She looked at the moon again and touched her necklace. "Okay, back to bed." She hoped he was too little to have noticed her voice cracking.
She walked back inside to their room and re-tucked Ollie in his bed.
"See Daddy 'morrow?" he asked.
Crack. Crack.
"Yes, love. You can see him tomorrow night. But tomorrow can't come until you're asleep. So you have to go to sleep now."
"Sing Ladder?" Also known as, Lavender's Blue, the special song his mother sang to him. But he couldn't pronounce "Lavender" so he just called it "Ladder." Skylar was able to know what he meant though.
"Okay, but first you have to close your eyes." He shut his eyes super tight, and she laughed lightly, brushing through his hair soothingly as she started to sing. "Lavender's blue, dilly dilly, lavender's green. When I am king, dilly dilly, you shall be queen. Who told you so, dilly dilly, who told you so? Twas my own heart, dilly dilly, that told me so."
Ollie fell asleep by the end of the song, like always, and Skylar just watched him sleep. She felt like her heart was being ripped out of her throat. She knew he would need to be told the truth about his father one day, but she wanted to push that off for as long as she could. For now, Ian would be keeping her mom company on the moon.
She laid awake in bed, staring at the ceiling. There was so much going in her head that she thought she could burst.
Just swallow it down. You're fine. Stay strong. You need to stay strong for Ollie.
She didn't know how much longer she was going to be able to. She felt like a time bomb and she was only a tick tick tick away from going off.
I cannot say how grateful I am of all of you and your incredibly kind words. Thank you so much for your patience with this chapter. Sometimes you need to put yourself first, which can be very frustrating, but essential.
Also, I meant to put this at the end of the last chapter but I totally forgot. A lot of the inspiration for Skylar's monologue came from the song A Piece of Me from the musical 35mm by Ryan Scott Oliver. It's a beautiful song and I highly suggest listening to it.
I hope this chapter was worth the wait! I love ye all verra verra much and I will see y'all on Sunday. Take care of yourselves!
