CHAPTER 8

Knock knock.

"Come in," Claire called from inside the surgery. She was taking inventory of her herbs and making a list of what needed to be restocked.

She looked to the door opening and saw Skylar make her way in and close the door behind her.

"Good morning, darling," she greeted her.

"Good morning." Skylar hung back a little ways from Claire, leaning on her exam table.

"You know you don't have to knock to come in here. This is your house and you're always welcome in every part of it at all times."

"I know, I just didn't know if you and Marsali were having a lesson, and I didn't want to interrupt."

"No lessons still for a little while, much to her disappointment. Marsali's full attention needs to be on Joan right now. Though I know she's itching to get back in here and get her hands dirty again."

Skylar let out a dry laugh. "I wouldn't be surprised if she just strapped Joan to her and got back to work anyways." She paused. "Claire, I, uh..."

Claire turned back to her. "What is it, dear?"

"I-I wanted to, um...I'm so so sorry for snapping at you last night. I really didn't mean to. I feel awful."

Claire gave her a kind smile. "Skylar." She walked next to her and put her arm around her. "You've nothing to apologize for. I know you didn't mean it how it sounded. I also know that it came from a place of stress and upset, and I really wish you would tell me what it is that's troubling you so much and making you feel like this." Skylar turned her face to the table and picked at a chip in the wood. Claire brushed some of her hair out of her face and tucked it behind her ear. "You didn't sleep again last night," she stated instead of asking. Skylar shook her head. She could already feel her lip quivering and she was blinking back the tears that were forming too quickly. She needed to share something, just to relive the pressure building in her even the slightest amount.

She went with what was safest.

"Ollie, um...he's starting to ask questions."

"What sort of questions?"

"Well," she cleared her throat to stop it from shaking, though it didn't work, "last night, he asked if he has a dad, and where is he."

Hearing the tremble in Skylar's words at just that one sentence caused Claire's heart to break. "Oh, Skylar." Claire pulled her into a hug and, was pleasantly surprised when, Skylar wrapped her arms tight around her, returning it, and pressed her face into Claire's chest. Claire rested her chin on Skylar's head and used one hand to stroke her hair. She could hear her sniffing every so often and she wanted to tell her to let everything out, just let everything she'd been holding inside her break free. But as much as it killed her to see her daughter in so much obvious agony every single day, and pretending it wasn't there, she couldn't force it out of her. It was something Skylar needed to make the decision for herself to do. So she just held her tight for as long as she needed this and let Skylar be the one to pull away first. When she did, Claire cupped her face very delicately and wiped the couple tears on her cheeks away.

Skylar sniffed again and wiped her nose. "I'm sorry."

"Don't. Don't say that. You have every right to feel this and I am so glad that you're actually allowing yourself to. Come, let's sit." Claire led her over to one of the beds and held Skylar's hands in her lap, waiting until she was ready to talk more.

"It was just so sudden," Skylar continued. "I mean, I knew he was going to ask these questions eventually, but he's not even two. I didn't think he would notice these sorts of things right now. But he knows that Germain has a dad, and Jemmy has a dad, and he knows that he should have one too."

"Children are far more observant than we give them credit for. They see and hear everything we do, and they can pick up on when something seems out of place."

"I couldn't tell him the truth. Not yet. He wouldn't understand any of it, he would just have more questions, and I wouldn't have all the answers to them."

"Of course you couldn't. That's completely reasonable."

"I ended up telling him that his daddy lives on the moon, like my mom told me before she died. I showed him the man in the moon and said that was his daddy and that he watches over him every night. He was so excited about it, and he can't wait to see his dad again tonight."

"That's perfect, Skylar. I think you did exactly the right thing."

"When he's older though, how am I gonna tell him the truth? How do I explain this, what…what is choice was and why?"

"You don't need to think about that right now. That's still a long way off."

Skylar just nodded. Claire could tell that this one situation was only a miniscule piece of the mountain of feelings Skylar was keeping to herself. Her mother's instinct was screaming at her to press and find out more, but she knew from raising Bree that that would only make Skylar more adamant about hiding it.

As relieved as she was to have confided in Claire, Skylar was still determined to keep everything else inside. She knew if she started talking about the rest of it, it would all spill out and she would have no control over stopping it. It would break her and she was petrified she wouldn't be able to be put back together. But her constant excruciating pain, her guilt at what she was doing to Benjamin, how hurt beyond repair she still was at Ian leaving, how it was more and more of a struggle to breathe every day without him, the fear of having to tell Ollie the truth one day, the sadness she felt seeing him want his dad so badly, how she hated herself because of how much she was still in love with Ian, all of it weighed in her every minute of every day and the weight was getting heavier and heavier.

But that fear she had of falling apart was inching closer to becoming a reality. She did everything she could to keep those band aids in place to keep the cracks in her from spreading, but they had all but vanished completely, the last few hanging on by a thread.

I need to keep it together. I need to keep it together, she kept telling herself. Things are going to get easier. It'll be better soon. It has to. It can't be like this forever.

But of course it didn't. In fact, things were only getting harder.

Ever since the night Skylar told Ollie his father lived on the moon, it became part of Ollie's bedtime routine where he would be on the porch and say, "Night night, Daddy."

And every night, it would rip Skylar to pieces. Especially the first time there was a new moon and Ollie was crying hysterically because he "can't find Daddy! He gone! Where go? Where Daddy?"

She explained to his dad had just fallen asleep. It looked like he disappeared because he closed his eyes, and he would wake up soon to smile at him again. She promised Ollie that even when his dad was asleep and he couldn't see him, he still was watching over him while he was invisible during the day.

She could say that it broke her heart irrevocably to see her son wanting his daddy so much, but that wasn't possible anymore. There was no whole piece of her heart left and now only the millions of pieces remained to break further.

She would then try to heal this never ending, only worsening pain by seeking out Benjamin. It was her only source of relief, as horribly bittersweet as it was. But she resigned herself to take the tidal wave of agony that would wash over her every time for just those minutes of seeing, hearing and feeling Ian.

She continued the lie of, It's going to get better. It will, for several more months.

The time bomb ticking away in her started to tick even faster one afternoon in March. Skylar and Marsali were standing on the porch watching their sons play together. Jamie had stopped to join them for a minute while on his way to the whiskey still.

"So, Ollie's second birthday is comin' up in a month," Jamie said to Skylar.

"I can't believe it. How is he already two? This year went by so fast."

"Christ, I ken it," Marsali agreed. "My eldest is three years old and I now also have a three month old."

"Just wait til yer a grandparent and watchin' yer children raise yer grandchildren." He put his arm around Skylar and pulled her into his side to kiss her head. She smiled. "And then yer watchin' their bairns sprout up like weeds. Near overnight, it seems, that they're suddenly runnin' around and talkin' nonstop about this and that, knowin' that soon they'll be lookin' at ye eye te eye."

"I can't get over how tall Ollie is," Skylar commented. "Every day it's like he's grown another inch. I mean, he's barely two and he's already as tall as Germain."

The three looked to the little boys and saw she was right. Germain had maybe just a half inch on his younger cousin.

"Aye, well, that's the Fraser and Mackenzie blood in him from his father. The men in the family are all well over six feet. I have a feelin' Ollie'll be no exception."

Skylar gripped the porch railing tighter.

Just one more way he'll look like his father.

Jamie and Marsali noticed her small action and that her knuckles had gone whiter, whiter than her already near translucently pale skin that she had been wearing as of late.

They exchanged a look, and Jamie said, "I'm afraid I'm already late fer the men. I will see the both of ye later then?"

"Aye," Marsali answered. Skylar nodded, staring at her son.

When Jamie was gone, Marsali tried to get her onto a different subject. "So, what are ye plannin' fer Ollie's birthday?"

She shook herself out of her dissociative state and turned back to her sister-in-law.

"God, I have no idea. It really just snuck up on me. But I need to do something spectacular for him. I know that we're all going to have a family celebration, and we're actually able to do it in the Big House this year, which is incredible, but what else? What do two year olds like?"

"Well, mine, fer instance, when he was two he had just learned how te swim and I couldna keep him out of the river. Can Ollie swim yet?"

"Yeah. Dad and, um, Be-Benjamin have been teaching him."

Marsali raised her eyebrows. "Benjamin's been teachin' him?"

"Just sometimes when Dad's not able too. But Ollie's been having so much fun in the water and he's gotten so good. That's a, uh, a good-a good idea, Marsi. Maybe the three boys can have a day at the river swimming and I can bring a picnic for them, or something."

"That does sound like a fun plan. I'm sure he'd really enjoy that." Skylar gave a tight smile. "So, Ollie really has been spendin' a lot of time wi' Benjamin, then?"

"Um, you-you know, just like, a little bit."

"Just a little? Because it seems whenever I see him, Ollie's either attached te yer side or Benjamin's."

Skylar's stomach was twisting. "It's not a big deal. Ollie just has fun with him, and Benjamin's good to Ollie."

"Aye, he's verra good te him. Almost like he treats him like a son."

That was a knife to Skylar's gut. "Ollie doesn't think of Benjamin as his father, if that's what you're implying. He knows very well Benjamin is not his father."

"I wasna sayin' that. I was sayin' that Benjamin might be startin' the think the relationship, or whatever it is the two'a ye have, might be headed-"

She was interrupted by Ollie yelling, "No, stop!" They looked over and saw Ollie push Germain to the ground. The women sprinted to their kids and knelt on the ground with both crying boys. Marsali stood Germain up and brushed him off.

"Are ye alright, Germain?" she asked him.

Skylar held onto Ollie's arms and scolded, "Oliver Ian Murray! What has gotten into you? You know better than to shove. Say you're sorry right now."

"But-but Germain, he-" Ollie started but his mother cut him off.

"I don't care who started it. We never put our hands on someone like that. Apologize to your cousin." She spun him around to face the other little boy who was sitting on Marsali's lap and curled into her.

"I'm sorry," he said, though he clearly was only saying it because he was told to.

"Now, I want te know what happened here," Marsali stated.

"Ollie was lying and I told him lying is naughty!" Germain explained.

Though Ollie seemed to have a different story as he turned to look at his mother and defended himself, "I wasn't! I wasn't!"

"Yes you were!"

"No!" Ollie swung at Germain, and Skylar grabbed his arm again.

"Oh my goodness, Oliver! You need to calm down. Can you look at me? Look at my face." When she got him to look right at her, she went on. "Can you take a breath? Big big breath in." She demonstrated, over exaggerating so he would understand what to do. "And then you let it out," she continued once he did the first part. He let it all out at once and she led him through that a few more times until he was visibly calmer. "Okay, now, can you use your words?"

"Germain mean! He the one lying!"
"What is it ye think Ollie was lyin' about?" Marsai asked her son.

"He said his daddy doesn't live here because he lives on the moon and that's a lie."

"Is not! Mommy said!" Ollie fought.

Skylar and Marsali just looked at each other.

Oh no, Skylar thought. That knife that was put in her gut just minutes ago was being slowly turned.

Marsali turned back to her child. "Germain, tis not up te ye te decide if someone is lyin' or no."

"But it is! I heard you and Papa say Ollie's daddy doesn't know him because he's so far away with the Indians and Auntie Skylar is really sad. You said he's in New York."

Marsali closed her eyes and sighed, already dreading the conversation she was going to be having with Skylar about this. She opened her eyes and saw her sister-in-law hugging her still sniffling toddler and giving her an "are you shitting me?" look.

Marsali continued to Germain. "Ye ken yer not te listen in on conversations behind closed doors, and those are absolutely not yer words te tell. Ollie is not lyin'. He's tellin' the truth about his Da."

"But you and Papa-"

"Never mind what ye heard then, hear what I'm sayin' now. Ollie's Da does live on the moon. That's the truth, alright? Now, tell Ollie yer sorry." She stood him up to face his little cousin, and Skylar turned the red haired boy front as well.

"I'm sorry for saying you're lying, Ollie," Germain said in the small voice of a child in trouble.

"Can you tell Germain you forgive him?" Skylar said to her son.

Very quietly, Ollie repeated, "I f'give you."

"Hug yer cousin and make up," Marsali instructed.

Skylar nudged her boy forward. "Go on, love."

The two shuffled to each other and hugged.

"Can ye two play nice now?" They both nodded.

"Mrs. Bug, can you watch the boys please?" Skylar called to the old woman who had been in the garden next to them.

"Of course, dear," the woman answered and came right over.

Skylar stood up. "Thank you. If you need us, Marsali and I will be in the kitchen." She gave her friend a knowing look and started inside. Marsali took a breath, then stood up and followed her.

When they got inside, Skylar immediately started with, "If you and Fergus could refrain from talking about me behind my back for everybody else to hear, I would really appreciate it, Marsali."

"We didna mean fer Germain te hear anythin'. Twas only one conversation."

"That's not the only thing I'm angry about. Don't get me wrong, I'm plenty angry that Germain heard you and passed it along to Ollie. But if you and Fergus have something so important to say about me, say it to my face, not in secret."

"We're not plottin' against ye, Skylar. Fer Christ's sake, we're worried sick about ye."

"You don't have to be. I've told you, I'm fine."

"Aye, yer fine. So fine that ye tell all of us to not act like Ian never existed, yet yer the one who canna bring yerself te talk about him. In these years he's been gone, I havena heard ye even say his name once. Yer tryin' te hide the pain yer so clearly in from everyone who cares about ye, and instead yer dealin' wi' it in verra inappropriate ways."

"Like what?"

"Like spreadin' yer legs fer Benjamin Allaway every chance ye get."

"You and Brianna told me to do that! You were the one who said I shouldn't live like a nun!"
"I didna think it would go on this long like this! We told ye te lay wi' him a couple of times, not fer months on end! Ye ken Benjamin is just fallin' more and more in love wi' ye every time, and yer just givin' him hope that one day ye'll feel the same."

"Maybe I will, who knows."

"Oh, come off it, Sky. Ye ken well that's never goin' te happen."

"You don't know that."

"Really? Tell me then, who are ye with?"
"What?"
"When yer in bed wi' Benjamin, is it actually Benjamin yer there with, or is it Ian?"
Skylar hesitated. "What does that have to do with anything?"
"If ye canna enjoy the one who actually has his cock in ye by now, ye never will. Ye can only finish when it's Ian's face ye see, aye?"

Skylar tried to think of an argument, but couldn't find one.

Marsali went on, but more gentle. "He was the love of yer life, Sky. Ye know no one will think anythin' less of ye fer talkin' about him, or how hurt and angry ye still are. I dinna think ye've cried over him since the day he left. And holdin' all of that inside, it isna healthy. Yer no sleepin' or eatin', and yer gonna be fit te blow one day."

Skylar was gritting her teeth and kept her arms crossed tight across her body to force the tears back. She could feel her face getting red and hot from trying so hard. Her jaw was aching from being so clenched and her head was pounding. She wanted to scream and sob and break things. But instead, she took a long shaky breath in and let it out very slowly.
She then said in a strained soft voice, "I can't. I can't let it out. Any of it. Because I know that if I do, it won't stop and I will be permanently broken." She swallowed and tightened her hold on her arms even more. "After the first time with Benjamin, the guilt I felt forced me to let out just the smallest speck of it, and it nearly destroyed me. And I can't…I can't have Ollie see that." Her voice was starting to crack and the tears were making her vision blurry. She blinked and they fell. She didn't bother wiping them away. "I have to be strong for him. Just saying…his name when I said Ollie's full name just now, it…I can't even think about him without wanting to die. Ollie can't see how not having his father here is slowly killing me more and more every day because then he'll feel sad his dad isn't here and I need to push that off for as long as I can. And I know, I know I'm horrible for dragging Benjamin along like this, I know that. It eats at me and that guilt is unbearable. But when I'm with him, with Benjamin, I see his face and it's like I'm with him again. I can feel him and hear him, and in that brief time, I'm almost happy because I forget. Then when it's done, everything hits me all over again and another piece of my heart permanently dies. And I keep repeating that same cycle again and again and again and again and again and I always think it's going to turn out differently. Which is a sign of insanity, and very fitting." She was digging her nails so hard into her arms she wouldn't be surprised if she broke skin. Marsali could tell this as well and took Skylar's hands in her own. She squeezed them and looked in her friend's eyes.

"Ye are not insane, Skylar. And ye are not a horrible person. Yer hurt and angry, and ye have every right te be so. All that ye've gone through, it's cruel. But that's why ye need te let us in and let us help ye through it. Even now, I can see there's so much yer holdin' back still and it's killin' me that ye won't speak of it. It's like I'm watchin' me best friend dyin' right before me eyes and there's nothin' I can do." The time bomb was ticking too fast. Skylar needed to get away now before it was too late. "I beg of ye, Sky," Marsali put her hand on Skylar's cheek, "please, just speak what's on yer mind and let us-"

Skylar pushed away. "I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Marsi. I…I-I can't do…I can't be h- I have to go." She turned around and walked out.

"Skylar! Wait, please!" she heard Marsali call after her. But she kept going until she reached her room.

She shut the door, then raced to grab her chamber pot from under her bed and vomited into it. She sat on the floor and leaned against her bed with her elbows on her knees and her head in her hands. Her whole body was shaking and she was so dizzy.

I will not have a panic attack. I will not.

She couldn't get her mind to focus on anything that she could list, so she just sat there in that position and in the weird dreamlike dissociative state until the brunt of it passed.

Not having the energy, or the want, to go back outside and be around people, especially Marsali, she pulled herself up and crawled into her bed. She pulled the blanket over her head and waited to pass out.

I just need a little sleep. Just an hour or two, and then I'll be fine.

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When she woke up, she felt really groggy. She rolled onto her back and rubbed her eyes. She took a breath and sat up. She looked at the clock and gasped when she saw the time.

6:45am.

Omigod, what the fuck?!

She jumped out of bed and looked to Ollie's. Her heart stopped when she saw it was empty.

She ran out of the room and downstairs.

"Ollie? Ollie?" she called, her head whipping in every direction to try to find him. "Ollie, baby! Are you here?"

She stopped short when she went into the kitchen and saw Ollie sitting at the table with Marsali and Germain.

"Mama!" Ollie cried happily. He got down from his chair and ran to his mom. She knelt down to catch him in her arms and hugged him.

"Oh, sweetheart." She kissed his head and face over and over. "Did you get out bed by yourself?"

"Uh uh. I sleep at Auntie Marsi house." Skylar looked above his head to Marsali. She stood up from the table and went to join them. She put a hand on Ollie's head and said, "Aye, after their spat, he and Germain were havin' so much fun together that I couldna bear te separate them. I hope that's alright."

"Yes, of course. Thank you, Marsali." Marsali could read the genuine look of thanks on Skylar's face, and she smiled and nodded in reply.

She turned back to Germain still at the table and held out her hand. "Germain?" He came over and held his mother's hand. "Why don't ye and Ollie go wake up Grannie and Grandda? I'm sure they'll love havin' the two'a ye jump on their bed." Both boys fell into a fit of giggles and ran towards Jamie and Claire's room.

Skylar slowly stood up to face Marsali and put her hands on her hips.

"I'm so sorry, Marsali. I don't know what happened. I just closed my eyes and then-"

"It's alright, Sky. Ye needed te sleep and I'm glad ye did. Ollie's a delight and I'm happy ye have him in me home anytime."

They were silent for a minute until Skylar spoke up. "Listen, about yesterday...I would really appreciate it if we never talked about it and didn't tell anyone about it."

"Skylar, there's so much you're not sharin' and it's-"

"Marsali, please."

Marsali looked at Skylar and saw how exhausted, stressed, sad and hurt she was. She had no energy in her to fight and Marsali was worried pushing her anymore would have disastrous results.

"Verra well, if that's what ye so wish."

"Thank you."

Marsali honored her promise and never spoke a word of their argument to Skylar or anyone. But she kept an even closer watch over Skylar in the days and weeks that followed, nervous that if anyone so much as looked at Skylar wrong, she would melt down.

Skylar used Ollie's birthday as a distraction to the mess in her head. She was working with Claire to sew new clothes for him as a present and she made new decorations; both of which she had take up all of her free time.

She kept herself very isolated. She hardly spoke to or saw anyone voluntarily outside of Ollie and occasionally Claire. She had no choice but to see Benjamin since Ollie loved being around him, and she would still have sex with him for just the momentary relief.

She was only a shell of a person, her joy and light that she brought with her everywhere and shared with everyone was gone. Her family barely recognized her. She could put on the mask of "I'm okay" around others and they would believe her, but her parents and siblings saw through it. They knew nothing they could say would help her or convince her to talk about anything, so they just hoped and prayed that one day soon she would find some way to become the real Skylar they knew again.

On Ollie's birthday, after putting him down for his afternoon nap, Skylar had finished setting up the dining room in the Big House for the party that night, then went down by the river to take a minute for herself. She had been on the edge of tears all day and her nausea was at its worst.

It's your son's second birthday, and again you're not here for it, she said to Ian. How many more is he going to have without you? How many more years am I going to have without you? I can't take much more of this. I can't let myself believe this is forever. You have no idea what you're doing to us.

She closed her eyes and felt the breeze go over her.

"I am not going to cry," she said to herself. Her head felt like it was splitting from the pressure of holding the sobs in. "I will get through today. I have to. It's not about me today. It's about Ollie. It's about Ollie always. Do this for him."

"Skylar?" The sudden voice behind her made her jump. She turned around and saw Benjamin. "I apologize. I didna mean te startle ye."

"It's okay, Benjamin."

He closed the space between them, then put his hands on her hips leaned down to kiss her. She pulled away from him and told him, "Benjamin, I can't right now. I don't have time and this is way too public to-"

"I didna come here fer that. I wanted…I wanted te say somethin' te ye. Somethin' I've been workin' on the courage te say fer a verra long time." He took a breath and straightened his back. He had a dreamy smile on his face while he looked at her. "I love ye, Skylar. I am so in love with ye. I love ye with every fiber of my soul and being. Ye are the most kind, genuine, beautiful, special, wonderful, bright woman I have ever known. Ye are my everythin'. Ye are my world. Yer me first thought in the mornin', me last one at night, and every thought in between. I love ye and only ye, and I will always only love ye. That's why I wanted te ask ye, will ye marry me?"

Skylar's body went ice cold. Her eyes went so wide they could have fallen out of her head and her mouth was bone dry. She backed away from him.

"Benjamin, I told you-"

"I ken what ye said." He followed after her. "But after all these months havin' ye, I canna imagine a life wi'out ye. The verra idea of it fills me with utter despair. And I thought, since ye never sought out another man and kept comin' te me, kept wantin' me, that ye might be startin' te have the same feelin's fer me that I have fer ye."

Black spots kept filling Skylar's vision. The world was spinning faster and faster around her and she could hardly hear Benjamin anymore, there was only a loud high pitched ringing in her ears.

"Ye've seen how much I care fer Ollie. I will love him like he's me own. Ye never have te worry about him bein' in any sort of danger, I will protect him with me own life. I want te provide fer the two'a ye, give ye everythin' ye could ever want."

Bile was quickly making its way up her throat and she didn't know how much longer she could hold it off. She held her arms tight around her so he wouldn't see how badly she was shaking.

"I ken that this is verra sudden. I dinna expect ye te give me an answer right now. But I couldna wait any longer te tell ye how I truly feel fer ye. I love ye, Skylar Fraser Murray. I want te be yer husband, and I hope ye'll allow me the honor of bein' such."

She didn't speak for what felt like hours. "I, um," her voice scratched out. "I…I don't, uh…I have-have to g – thank you, Benjamin, for, um, th-the proposal. I will find you when I have my answer. I just-I need a bit of time."

She put her head down and hurried past him.

Omigod. Omigod. What the fuck? What just happened? I can't even – I can't breathe. Omigod.

She thought for sure that she was going to faint. The ringing was getting louder and her chest felt like a thousand pounds was weighing on it. She couldn't feel her legs but they were still carrying her as fast as they could go to her room.

She slammed the door behind her and leaned against it, grasping her chest and forcing herself to not hyperventilate.

"Jesus Christ, what the hell?"

She pressed the heels of her hands into her forehead and closed her eyes.

That did not actually just happen. No. No. This is a dream. It's just a dream and I need to wake up. Wake up. Wake up.

"Wake up!" she screamed.

Her eyes shot open when she heard Ollie start crying. She had forgotten that he was sleeping in here.

"Oh God, Ollie." She ran to his bed and picked him up and held him close against her. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, my love. I'm sorry," she told him as she rocked him and ran her fingers through his hair. "I'm sorry. Shhhhh. Shhhhh. It's okay. It's okay."

She was finally able to get him back to sleep, but she didn't leave him. She just held him for the rest of his nap, mentally beating herself even harsher.

What is wrong with me? I'm terrible. I'm a terrible terrible person. Jesus Christ, I'm losing my goddamn mind.

When Ollie woke up, he had forgotten all about what had happened and was just excited for the rest of his birthday. Skylar put on the bravest face she could and got through the rest of the day until the family party that night.

Everyone was gathered in the dining room. They had finished dinner and Claire brought out the cake, placing it in front of the birthday boy. Skylar was kneeling next to Ollie in his chair and, even though there was no candle for him to blow out, she said to him, "Close your eyes and make a wish, baby. Anything you want."

He closed his eyes and thought for a moment. "I wish Daddy come home from the moon soon."

The room was deathly silent. Every single eye went right to Skylar, and she could feel each individual one burning into her. The ringing was back and her heart was beating so fast she thought it was going to explode. If she hadn't been holding onto Ollie's chair, she would have collapsed onto the floor.

Tick tick tick tick tick. She couldn't slow it down.

She put the smallest smile on her face that she could manage and kissed Ollie's head. She couldn't produce any words as a reaction.

For the rest of the party, she tried to appear as normal as possible, but she knew everyone was watching her and waiting to see what she was going to do. By the end of the night, tears were already coming down her face and she had no power to stop them, not that she had any energy to try.

Between Benjamin's proposal and now Ollie's birthday wish, she felt it all coming to the surface. It was only a matter of time.

The three boys were having a sleepover that night in the kitchen bedroom, and when the parents were putting them to bed, Ollie touched Skylar's face. He noticed the tears.

"Mama crying. Mama sad?"

Even more fell and her voice was almost too shaky to speak. "No, sweetheart. Mama isn't sad. These are happy tears. I'm crying happy tears because of how proud I am of you and how much of a big boy you are. Can I get one last hug for the night?" Ollie sat up and wrapped his arms around her neck. She squeezed him for a long time before letting him go. "Goodnight, two year old. I love you so much more than you could ever know."

"Love you, Mama." She kissed his forehead and walked out of the bedroom.

She went to rejoin everyone in the parlor, but she just stood in the doorway, hugging herself and staring at the floor. She was steadily crying and it was getting harder to breathe.

Don't do this. Don't. You're going to be fine. It's all going to be fine. It's okay. Just do not-

"Skylar?" Marsai spoke first. She crossed to Skylar and put her hand on her shoulder. "Are ye alright?"

She looked up at Marsali and the rest of the group. Something suddenly snapped in her and she said, "I can't. I can't do this. I can't," and she ran outside. Her family was close behind her. She made it down the porch steps and ran into the field in front of the house. She looked up at the sky and saw the moon shining full and bright. She fell to her knees and started screaming, "Why did you do this to me?! Why did you leave me?! You said you loved me! You loved me! Why would you leave me?!" She was pulling at her collar and sobbing to the point where it was painful. Everything she had held inside and hidden away, pushed down and pretended it wasn't there, finally got released. "Why wasn't I enough for him?! Why couldn't he just stay?! Why couldn't he come home?!" She grabbed the sides of her dress and doubled over. She was sick multiple times and sobbing so hard no noise was coming out.

After several minutes of letting her be by herself, Claire couldn't stand still anymore and went to her. She sat beside her and wrapped her arms around her, pulling her into her and rocking her like she had with Ollie.

"I miss him so much. God, it hurts so fucking much."

"I know, darling. I know," Claire cooed softly.

"Why do I still love him? I love him every fucking day of my life. Why? Why can't I hate him? I want to hate him!" Claire didn't respond. She just kept rocking her and held her tighter. "I need him back. He needs to come back. Why won't he come back?" She held onto Claire's arm. "It hurts so bad. It hurts so bad. It hurts worse every day. It's never getting better. It's never going away. But I still want him. I want only him. I love him so much. Ian, please. I love you. I love you, Ian. Come back to me. Ian, please, come back to me."

They all stayed out there in the field with her while she cried and screamed and sobbed at such an intensity that she couldn't speak the next day. The inevitable had finally come to pass, and now that the bomb had gone off, the dust would begin to settle, and no one had any idea what would remain.

It's still Sunday so it is up on time lol There was a lot happening in this chapter, so I didn't want to rush through it. I hope I did it justice.

If you liked it please please please follow, favorite, review, or any sort of combo!

I love ye all verra verra much and I can't wait for chapter 9 :)