CHAPTER 15
TW: Suicide attempt
!SPOILER WARNING! SOME DETAILS OF IAN'S LIFE IN THE MOHAWK ARE DISCUSSED IN THIS CHAPTER! THIS IS YOUR SPOILER WARNING NOW!
When he had first arrived, Jamie had asked Ian if he would accompany Roger to survey the land he and Bree got from Tryon. Ian had been very hesitant to give an answer, declining or accepting. But the day after, he told Jamie he would do it; and on the early morning of his third day back on the Ridge, he and Roger set out.
Ian knew what to do, having done it when Fraser's Ridge was nothing but empty woods. So he led the task while Roger wrote everything down.
It was a very quiet excursion. Ian had been told what had happened to Roger and that he would likely not talk. But Ian didn't mind. He had too much on his mind to hold up any small talk or conversations. So they worked in silence, except for when Ian would call out the number of each post that got planted.
"24," he said to Roger after hammering one into the ground. Roger made a mark of it in his notes. As Ian headed back to his horse to get the next one, Roger stopped him and put a hand on his shoulder. He didn't speak, but Ian knew what he was saying through his face. "Ye dinna need te thank me. I came on me own." And they kept going until the sun started to set.
They set up camp in an open space. They each had a blanket to lay on and they built a fire between them.
Ian sat down on his blanket and looked up at Roger who was tinkering with a tool that he had seen Brianna give to Roger the day before they left. It was like a compass, but could help you to tell the time as well as where you were. An astrolabe, he remembered it was called.
Roger noticed Ian watching and handed it to him, thinking he would better suited to use it than he was.
"Did Brianna not give this te ye?" Ian asked, confused but taking the offering. Roger squatted in front of him and nodded. "Ye trust me not te break it?" he added as a small joke, but also being a little serious. The corners of Roger's mouth turned upwards for a split second. He then saw a bracelet Ian was wearing that was exposed when his sleeve slipped down. He reached out to touch it, as a silent way of asking what it was, but Ian just pulled his arm back and covered it again. He didn't say anything about it, and Roger didn't press.
They cooked a bit of the meat Claire had given them, but Rollo ended up eating the most of it. Neither man had much of an appetite.
They gave a nod to each other in goodnight and attempted to sleep. Ian ended up watching the sun rise. The painful knots in his stomach made it impossible for him to relax. So much guilt and sadness weighed down on him that it was crushing him and making it hard to breathe. He had arrived here with guilt and pain eating away at him for what he had left behind in the Mohawk, but hearing Claire tell him everything Skylar went through because of him made it exponentially worse.
It's my fault. She was hurtin' so bad that they all thought she might…It's my fault. I dinna blame her fer wantin' nothin' te do with me. I dinna ken what I expected.
He closed his eyes of thought of her from when they were together and happy. He remembered her smile that could brighten the greyest rainy day and would always make him feel warm all the way from his head to his feet. Or the pure joy he felt just being near her or holding her hand, and how his heart would start to race and he'd lose his breath whenever she looked at him with so much love and devotion towards him. He remembered what is was like to kiss her, how he felt electricity shoot through him every time and he could never get enough of her. He remembered thinking over and over again, how did he get so lucky to have her choose him?
And then I ruined it. I ruined everything and I hurt her.
He looked over at Roger as he slept, the reason he had left her. He could very easily hate Roger if he wanted to. He could put all of the blame onto him for what had happened and why he had to abandon the women he had loved overwhelmingly.
But I cannot, he told himself. It isna his fault. I was the one who put him there. I had te take responsibility. I had no choice.
He stared up at the sky and watched it then from black to dark blue to orange and finally blue. He waited for Roger to wake up and, once he did, they started out for another day.
They took a break after a few hours and sat under a tree with Rollo laying a few feet in front of them. Again, neither had said a single word but it didn't feel awkward. They took comfort in each other's silence. But as they sat under the tree, Roger took something out of his bag that Ian couldn't help but ask about.
"What's that?" Roger was fiddling with what Ian recognized was a folded piece of paper. But it was folded in such a way that he had never seen. It was flat on top with a part to hold underneath.
Roger handed it to Ian for him to get a better look at. Ian looked over it, trying to make sense of what it could be.
"A paper bird?" was his best guess. The look Roger gave him made him feel he wasn't far off.
Roger took it back and threw it forward. Ian watched amazed as it smoothly glided before turning downward and hitting the ground. Rollo watched its path too, thinking it was some sort of small animal and barking at it.
"It flies, but it doesna sing," Ian said. Is face Bree more solemn again as he continued. "I couldna always understand the Mohawk. Sometimes I'd talk te the birds instead, so I didn't feel so alone."
Or imagine I was talkin' te her. Thinkin' the birds were her talkin' back.
He swallowed, remembering how much time he had spent alone by choice so that he could live the life he had created in his head, what he wished so whole heartedly could have been reality. The future he could have had with Skylar that would never come to be. It was hard for him to feel anything anymore, the agonizing internal pain making his body numb to any other emotion. But just thinking now about what could have been still found a way to squeeze at the remaining shatters of his heart. He squeezed his fist so tight his nails dug into his palm.
One more day. Just one. Then I will have relief.
He released his fist and rested his hand on his jacket pocket, feeling no remorse or sorrow. Only a dark emptiness.
It was another sleepless night. He was deep in his thoughts of his past with Skylar as well as what he had gone through in the Mohawk, like he was trying to make himself feel even worse. But he was brought of his head by Roger bolting awake. He had sat up straight and was breathing heavy. He was rubbing his neck and looked distressed.
"Were ye dreamin'?" Ian asked him. He recognized the signs of a nightmare all too well. Roger nodded then turned his body to sit front so he could reach his water cup.
Ian sighed and sat up. One simple sentence always helped calm him after waking up in a panic. But it was remembering it in the voice of the one who first said it to him is what actually helped more. He felt wrong saying it himself, but he still looked Roger in the eye and said, "Wherever ye thought ye were, we're both still here."
He watched as Roger let the phrase sink in and his tension eased. Ian could tell he was repeating it in his head, but Ian said it again out loud to help him get through the memories of his nightmare.
Roger seemed to be calmer, but he didn't sleep again. The sun was already more than halfway in the sky, so they decided to get an early start on their work.
This was their last day of surveying and they had planned to start back for the Ridge the next morning.
As they were going over the land, they came across a cliff that was hundreds, if not thousands, of feet high. Ian held back so that Rollo wouldn't be at risk of accidentally falling, but Roger went forward and stopped at the very edge of it.
While keeping a firm grip on Rollo, Ian watched every movement a Roger made. Over the last few days, he had been able to sense the same desolate sadness he felt coming off of Roger. And now, seeing him staring over the cliff's edge, it was like he could read Roger's mind. Ian's blood was boiling watching him contemplate throwing away everything he had. He had a wife and child back home waiting for him who adored him, and he was taking them for granted, like they meant nothing. He saw the older man take another small step and Ian was ready to run and pull him back. But thankfully, he didn't have to. Something changed Roger's mind, and he straightened up and walked backwards from the edge. Ian saw his shoulders rise and fall with a large breath, and then he threw the paper bird from his bag over the cliff.
Roger took a beat to watch it fly, then turned around and walked away, past Ian and kept going.
Ian didn't know why he had waited so long. His plan was to leave as soon as Roger fell asleep. But something had held him back and he laid on his blanket, staring up at the sky until he heard the birds start to sing.
Now. It has to be now. Before Roger is awake. Just go. Do it now.
He let out a king and slow exhale, then stood up. As silently as he could, he took the pot from next to the fire.
Hearing the movement, Rollo' ahead snapped up to attention and he let out a small bark.
"Sh sh sh sh. Quiet, boy," Ian whispered to him. He got a rope from his bag and a sharp stick. He tied one end of the rope to the stick and pushed it deep into the ground. The other end he tied around Rollo's neck as a leash. Rollo whimpered, his instinct picking up that something was wrong.
Ian stroked his head. "Take care of her, Rollo. Protect her, aye?" The dog licked his owner's face in an attempt to make him stay. But Ian just kissed his furry head, picked up the pot and his axe, and walked away without looking back.
He found a clearing not too far from the campsite so that Roger wouldn't have to search for hours to find him once everything was done. He started a small fire and put on to boil water in the pot that he had collected from a small stream on his way over.
While he waited on the water, he picked up his axe and went to an area of the clearing that had especially wet leaves and dirt. He held his axe in his hands and knelt on the ground. He didn't move or speak for several minutes. Images from every chapter of his life were flashing in his mind. Lallybroch, his mother and father, his siblings, Jamaica and Geillis, America, the Mohawk, Skylar. He tightened his hands around his axe as memory after memory of Skylar, the life he had with her and the life he should've had with her, played at fast pace in front of his eyes.
The memories of the Mohawk and all that he had lost there made him almost drop his weapon. He closed his eyes and sniffed, refusing to cry.
He used one hand to dig a hole in the leaves and mud, and laid the axe into it. He covered it back up and stared at it.
He licked his lips then recited the Mohawk rendition of the Lord's Prayer, begging through each word that his soul would be saved and he wouldn't be condemned for what he was about to do.
It willna be long now. I'll be with ye soon. I'm comin'. Dinna be afraid. Ye willna be alone.
Shaking, he stood up and looked back at the fire. The water was boiling and ready. He walked back to it and, even though he could feel the heat from its flames, his body felt like ice. It was as if his soul was already preparing to escape.
He reached into his pocket and took out water hemlock roots. He knew very well what they could, and would, do to him. He had snuck into Claire's surgery the night before he and Roger left and stole a bunch of them.
This was why he had agreed to come along. So that he would be away from the Ridge and everyone on it while he ended his life.
He had no hope left for him. No shred of any happiness. He saw no future for him. He could see only darkness and it had enveloped him with no way out. After learning what he had inflicted upon Skylar when he left, that was his breaking point. He had already been heading down the path to self destruction from the moment he left the Mohawk. But knowing all the pain he caused the most important person to him, and that she never wanted anything to do with him because of it, he felt this was his only option. The only way escape the darkness.
He dropped the poisonous roots into the water, making them into a kind of tea that he would drink. He dropped to his knees in front of the brewing concoction.
I'm sorry, he kept saying in his head to not only Skylar, but another. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasna good enough. I'm sorry I will never be good enough. May ye find peace once I have left this Earth. May God protect ye and watch over ye. May ye be loved as ye deserve by one better than I.
He was slipping into a trance as he watched the roots begin to dissolve. The rest of the world was blacking out around him. But he was suddenly brought back into focus by the pot being flung across the clearing. He looked up and saw it had been Roger who kicked it away.
Filled with instantaneous rage, Ian leapt up and jumped in Roger, tackling him to the ground and pinning him down.
He screamed at him, "Why?! Of all people, why would ye stop me?! I saw ye lookin' down at the cliff. I ken what ye were thinkin'. Ye have everythin', a wife that loves ye, a bairn. And still, ye dinna want te be wi' them!" Is voice was getting choked up and tears were quickly filling his eyes. He waited for Roger to say something back, but he didn't. Ian needed him to answer his question though. "When that rope was around yer neck, and ye were dyin', what did ye see?" Still no words. "What did ye see in the darkness?" Roger grunted, and Ian could tell he wanted to speak but was still too afraid. So he pressed. "What did ye see?! Tell me! What did ye see?!"
Roger pushed Ian back so that he fell onto the ground and off of him. Both men sat up and stared at each other. Ian glared at him, waiting for the answer and still angry that he ruined his one chance for peace.
Roger groaned and grunted, then he softly croaked out, "I saw me wife's face."
Ian's heart dropped into his stomach. That had been the last thing he wanted to hear.
"Then there's no escape?" Ian muttered. "Even in death, I would see her face?"
Roger waited a moment until he had the courage to try speaking again. "Her face? Do ye mean…"
Skylar, Ian finished the thought for him.
He felt the millions of pieces of his heart shatter into a million more at the mention of her. "Aye," he answered. His fingertips brushed against the bracelet Roger had seen days before. He looked down at it. "But not her alone."
Confusion and curiosity washed over Roger along with the hundreds of new questions in his head.
"Her name," was the first one he decided to ask. "The second woman, what was her name?"
Ian stood up and walked a few steps away. "It doesna matter now," was all he gave.
"Is she dead?"
Ian hesitated, unsure of what to say. "No," was his reply. "But she's lost te me." That left Roger with more questions than answers. But he didn't ask any more. "I only wanted the pain te end. Just get be at peace."
Roger stood up and went to Ian. "Who am say where yer souls might go if ye…" He didn't finish the sentence, not even wanting to say the words. But Ian understood what he meant. "Ye could be parted ferever. Not only her, but from all who love ye."
"So what now?" Ian spat out. "Go home? Yer a fine one te talk. Ye buried yer weapon, yer voice. Now ye dare te use it against me."
"Yer right. I did. But now I have te pick it up again and fight. Can ye?"
"I dinna ken."
Roger took hold of Ian's jacket and pulled him in. "Then dig up yer weapon, and come home wi' me until ye do. Because there is a lass back home that has been missin' ye, cryin' fer ye, and hurtin' over ye."
Ian pushed Roger off him. "Aye, the same lass who verra justly wants nothin' te do wi' me after the misery I forced her te go through. How could I ever face her? I dinna deserve te. I dinna deserve her love or her fergiveness. She should hate me and want me gone."
"Even if that were true, knowin' how hurt she was, ye now want te put her through even more pain by leavin' her again, fer good? And the pain she'll feel from yer death will likely kill her too. If ye care fer her at all like how ye used te, ye will wait fer her and then say yer piece. Because after watchin' her waste away these last years, she deserves at least that."
Ian knew Roger was right. As much as he hated himself for what he did to her and felt he had no right to even look upon her, he needed to see her. He remembered Claire saying that she wasn't ready to see him yet, but he would wait for as long as he needed to until she was. He needed to talk to her and tell her everything. He needed to tell her what happened in the Mohawk, but more importantly, he needed to tell her that his feelings for her had never gone away or lessened. He still loved her and he always would love her. She was his everything and that would never change, no matter that hers for him had long disappeared.
The two returned to their camp and packed up, then headed back for home. They rode on through, giving the horses small breaks along the way. And then in the early afternoon of their second day riding, they found themselves on the path that led up to the Big House.
Ian's stomach was in knots as they brought their horses to the stables. His eyes were farting around, looking to see if Skylar was anywhere near. But he didn't see her.
They put the animals in a large stall, and filled it with hay and fresh water.
Ian stopped them, with their backs to the stable door, after closing the horses in their stall to whisper to Roger, "If I could please ask ye te not speak ye anyone of…of what I…wha-what I set out te do."
"Of course. I willna say a word te anyone of it."
"I thank ye."
All of a sudden, Rollo, who had been lying at Ian's feet, jumped and started barking in excitement, and ran to the door.
Ian turned to see what caused the commotion, and when he did, he felt his breath leave his body and his heart stopped.
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"Mama, mama," Ollie cried, crawling onto Skylar's lap. She set her stitching aside and sat him facing her.
"Yes, love?"
"Mama, outside. Outside. Please, outside, Mama."
The two hadn't left their room since she was told Ian was back, and Ollie was starting to get restless. There was only so much that she could do in the small space to keep a toddler entertained.
He had been asking to go outside since the morning previous, but Skylar kept coming up with pathetic excuses to why they couldn't leave.
"Oh, um…it's too hot outside right now. Maybe later."
"No, we can't leave because…I heard there are even more locusts headed our way. Remember how you had to stay inside then too?"
"It's early bedtime for everyone right now. Yep. Every single person, even Nana and Granda, uh huh, they're all in their rooms sleeping."
But it seemed like he wasn't going to take no for answer this time.
"Play outside. Wanna play outside," he continued begging.
She looked at the little boy and her heart twisted. She knew it wasn't fair to keep him locked in here because of her own ridiculous fear. After having several conversations with herself as well as Claire and her sisters, she was able to understand that this fear and anxiety she felt was only going to get worse the longer she waited to face Ian. The longer she put it off, the harder ti would be to actually go through with it.
It's been three days now, she told herself. Enough is enough. I need to just do it.
She took a breath and stroked Ollie's hair. "Let's go find your cousins, huh?"
Ollie's face lit up and he hugged his mom. She hugged him back, feeling so grateful that, no matter what was going to happen with Ian, she had this little boy in her life.
She picked him up and carried him downstairs, feeling apprehensive with every corner she went around. She held her breath as she passed by room after room as they went to the door.
"Skylar?"
She turned around and saw Claire in the parlor. She couldn't hide the surprise from her face at seeing Skylar out of her room, but she was more so happy about it, which she didn't hide either.
"Um, Ollie wanted to play with Jemmy and Germain."
"Brianna is with them both right out in the front yard."
Hearing they were close, Ollie swung his legs and pushed against Skylar to try to get out of her arms.
"Okay, baby. You go on. I'll be out there soon." She put him down and he started running before his feet hit the floor.
Skylar watched him go through the door and join Bree, then she looked back at Claire and walked towards her. "Is, um…i-is Ian around? I'm, uh…I'm ready to, um, t-o-to see him."
The surprise and happiness grew on Claire's face at hearing that, but it was quickly replaced with slight disapointent.
"Oh, darling," she said. " Ian went with Roger to survey the land Governor Tryon gave him and Bree. They left before the sun was up this morning."
Skylar's stomach sank. "Of course he did. Figures, right?"
"They'll be back in just a few days." She held Skylar's arms. "But I am so proud of you for getting to this place. This is huge, Skylar. You understand that, don't you? You are one of the strongest people I know, this century of the 20th."
Skylar let out a single chuckle. "I guess this just gives me more time to figure out what I'm going to say to him."
"If there is anything you need to help you, please come to me. I am here for you. We all are."
Skylar felt so good to finally get out of her room and breathe in fresh air. She noticed people were staring at her again, but she didn't know why. Benjamin was also being weird around her when she would bring Ollie to see him. He wasn't avoiding her or being cold like before, just weird.
Is this about Ian? she thought. But how would they all know he was connected to me?
Then she remembered.
Fuck, Benjamin knows. I told him all about Ian. But he wouldn't spread that around the Ridge, would he?
"Ye do have his last name, remember, Mistress Murray?" Marsali told Skylar when she asked about it. "Yer husband was a complete mystery te everyone, then all of a sudden, a stranger arrives on the Ridge wi' the name Murray. And when he does, ye go inte hidin' again. Seems like a funny pattern of events, does it not? They're likely able te put two and two tegether."
Skylar ignored the stares and whispers, feeling too used to it by now. She didn't say a word about Ian to any of the settlers, and no one asked her about him. She just tried to make the days until he returned go by as normally as possible.
Her family also didn't bring him up. They knew that if she wanted to talk about him, she would start that conversation. But knowing he was going to be here soon was already a lot of stress on her, so they didn't want to make it worse by asking a million questions.
Instead, they helped distract her. Brianna welcomed the company while she would rant and vent talk about her issues with Roger, and Skylar gladly listened to all of it and offered whatever advice she could. She also helped with work around the Ridge, be it planting, picking herbs and some crops, taking care of the animals, doing any and all minimal tasks Claire gave her in the surgery, etc. Anything to keep her mind off of what was to come.
She was currently in the kitchen washing, and re-washing, the dishes. She had left Ollie with Marsali and her kids and was just trying to stay busy. She looked up when she felt a presence next to her. It was Claire. She could immediately read her face and she straightened up, feeling her chest tightening.
"They're back," Claire said simply. Skylar swallowed hard. Her anxiety instantly increased tenfold and she felt tingly in her arms and legs. "Are you sure you're ready?"
She nodded. "Where-where are they?"
"I just saw them riding up the path. So I assume they're at the stables."
Skylar closed her eyes and took a large shaky breath in, reluctant to let it out. She then quickly dried her hands and took off her apron. She went to leave but turned back.
"Claire?" Claire looked to the very obviously nervous and scared girl. "Do I…how do I look?"
She smiled sweetly. "You look beautiful, Skylar."
She took another breath and continued out.
Walking to the stables, her head felt very light, but her legs kept feeling heavier and heavier.
When she reached it, she stopped a little ways from the door. She wanted to run away and hide under the covers in her bed.
Don't you dare. Keep going. It's going to be fine.
She finally started forward again, slowly. She got to the open door and looked inside. When she did, her legs nearly gave out. There he was. His back was to her, but she knew without any doubt it was him. He was talking to Roger quietly about something, and Rollo was lying beside him. Rollo noticed her though because his head popped up and he leapt to his feet. She could tell he recognized her because his tail was wagging overjoyed. He barked and ran to her, rubbing his head into her.
She knelt down to him, petting and scratching him as he put his paws on her shoulders and licked her hands and face. "Hi, Rollo! Oh, sweet boy, I've missed you so much. Oh my goodness." She could feel eyes on her. She was petrified to look up, but she raised her head and her eyes immediately locked with Ian's. She felt winded. Claire was right. Seeing how he looked was a shock, with the hair and tattoos. But it was him. She slowly stood up, Rollo still nudging and licking her hand.
Roger, unhesitatingly, knew to leave. He walked out of the stable, getting Rollo to follow him with some food from his bag. Then, Ian and Skylar were alone.
Neither of them said a word for what felt like eternity. They just stared at each other. Skylar's heart, which had been beating so hard she thought it was going to explode out of her chest, started to slow now that she'd seen him and she actually felt herself beginning to relax. He still had that calming effect on her, and she hated that.
"You're back," she spoke first, not knowing what else to say. The speech she had practiced in her head for days had vanished.
"I am," he said back. Hearing his voice very nearly had her fall to the ground sobbing. But she managed to stay standing and composed. "I didna think ye were ever goin' te see me."
"I didn't think I was either." Her mind was blank. She didn't know what to say or how to act. It was like she was meeting him again for the first time.
"Before we say anythin' else te each other," he went on, "there's somethin' I need te tell ye. And I only ask that ye listen and let me explain before ye say anythin' back."
"Okay," was all she replied. She had no idea what he was about to tell her, but it was only adding more knots in her stomach.
"A long time ago, I made a promise te ye that would I never keep anythin' from ye again. I ken that those words mean nothin' te ye now, but they still have meanin' te me and I wish te continue te honor them. So I must tell ye…I was married in the Mohawk. I had a wife."
Skylar's heart went into her throat and she felt like she was punched in the stomach.
I knew it. There was no way he wouldn't have fallen in love with someone else. But Christ, I wish I had been wrong.
She blinked back tears and waited for him to go on, trying to appear as stoic as possible.
He continued to explain like he said he would. "I didna choose it. I didna want te marry ever. And Emily, she..." Skylar blinked hard from the sting her name, "she was supposed te be matched with another man. She loved me though. She wanted me, so she said this te her grandmother, and it was decided we would be a good match. We were married verra soon after. I didna want it, but I was no in a place te refuse."
She cleared her throat, trying to keep her voice from cracking. Though she knew the answer, and she knew it would only twist the knife in her gut to hear it, she asked him, "And you…laid with her?"
He hesitated. "Aye. I did." She sniffed, looking down for a moment to collect herself, then faced him again. "And," he went on, with his voice dropping very low. He clearly did not want to tell her this but needing to because of his promise, "we had a bairn. A daughter." That did it. That statement made tears break through. He was a father to a child who wasn't Ollie. A child made with another woman. She wiped them away quickly, hoping false hope he didn't notice. "God took her from us verra quickly though. She didna live an hour."
She could tell just from his voice how much that affected him, how much pain it caused him. She could plainly see how much he did not want to talk about it, but he felt he had to because of their history. She sensed there was so much more to this part of his other life that he wasn't telling her, but she didn't push for the rest. Not only because she knew how awful it would be for him to speak of it, but she wasn't sure she wanted to know anymore. This was all so much already. Even still, at seeing him upset, her first instinct was to run to him and hold him as tight as she could, telling him everything would be okay. But she didn't. She was frozen to the spot she stood in, just staring at the man she once regarded as the oxygen she needed to survive. And looking at him now, after three years apart, she still felt that way.
"But ye must believe me, Skylar," he spoke again, "I did not choose te marry her. I didna love her. I have not loved anyone, nor will I ever love anyone, but ye. I told ye long ago that ye owned me heart and soul, and ye still do. I have never stopped lovin' ye. I have thought of ye every moment of every day, prayin' that ye were livin' a good life. I missed ye so awful that at times it made me be sick. I saw ye everywhere. Not only in me dreams every night, but while I was awake. In broad daylight, I would see a vision of ye, as clearly as I see ye now, standin' before me. But then I would blink and ye'd be gone. I could hear your voice and laugh on the wind, and it was sometimes so overpowerin' that I would follow it, thinkin' that I would come upon ye. Yer form appeared te me in the flames of fire pits, and I would watch ye dance in them until the final embers flickered out. I could feel ye layin' beside me in my bed, with yer body pressed against me and yer breath on my neck. I could almost smell yer sweet scent. I would watch the moon and stars every night, hopin' that ye were lookin' at the same ones at the same time as I was. The guilt I felt from leavin' ye ate away at me more and more every day until I was hardly more than an empty shell of a man. I ken I dinna deserve fer ye te love me again as ye once did, and I dinna have the right te even ask this of ye, but I truly hope that one day, no matter how long it takes, ye might start te forgive me and we could be friends again."
She didn't say anything. She just stood there, letting everything he said sink in. She was trying to hold on to the anger she felt for him leaving her, for having a whole other life without her. Getting married, having a child. She wanted to be angry and hate him. She wanted to scream at him about how much he hurt her and that she would didn't want him in her sight. But she didn't. She couldn't, and realizing this caused more tears to run down her face.
"I'll never ken how much pain I put on ye, but I dinna wish te cause ye more. If ye ask me te, I will leave."
"This is why I didn't want to see you," she finally spoke. "I knew that no matter how different you looked, under the hair and clothes and tattoos, you were still Ian. I knew that the second I looked in your eyes, all of the hurt and anger I felt towards you would disappear. And I knew it would, because after almost three years of trying to stop loving you and to hate you, I never did. I never stopped loving you. I couldn't. And what's worse, it only grew. I love you more at this exact moment than I did the last time I saw you." At this point, she was talking through sobs and her tears made her vision blurry. "I prayed to God every day to bring you home, to bring you back to me. And now, you're here, standing in front of me, and I'm scared. I am so scared to give myself to you again because I don't know if I'm going to wake up one day and you'll be gone. And if you did leave again, I know I wouldn't survive that."
Neither had moved since Skylar came in, but as Ian responded, he slowly started towards her.
"I'm no goin' anywhere. I'm here, fer good. My place is next te ye and I will never leave it again." He stopped about a foot in front of her.
"What about your, um, your wife?" She felt nervous and sick with him so close to her, but not from anger or anxiety. She felt nervous and sick in the good way she used to feel around him when he was so close to her.
"Our marriage was ended. It's like it never existed."
She swallowed, trying to get any moisture in her barren mouth and throat. "We can't just pick up where we left off. A lot has changed with me."
"I ken. I've changed a lot as well."
She dared herself to take a small step towards him and looked up at him. He looked exhausted, not physically, but mentally and emotionally, like there was so much weighing down on him. And his eyes were only half the brightness they used to be. More had happened to him in the Mohawk that changed him in the way he meant. But she didn't think about that. She only focused on the sight of him in front of her. She gingerly raised a hand and placed it delicately on his cheek, wanting to see if he was actually real of if this was just another dream she was having. He was real. She let out a small gasp as new tears filled her eyes. But this time, they weren't tears of pain or sadness, but of overwhelming joy.
"It's really you," she whispered, finally letting herself believe that he had come home and she had him back.
"It's me, Yank," he said back, giving a small smile.
Hearing him call her that again, she completely gave in and lunged at him, hugging him with all the strength she could muster.
"Ian," she repeated over and over, at last able to say his name without it breaking her heart.
He hugged her back just as strong and could feel her body shake as she cried into his shoulder. He tried to force them back, but the tears he had been fighting since he saw her escaped in a flood.
They both felt whole again, embraced in each other's arms, like they had been reunited with their other half and they could at last take in a full breath. When they did separate, they stared at one another. Skylar's eyes flickered down to his lips, holding their gaze for a few seconds before returning to his face; as did Ian's.
"Would it be alright if I kissed ye now?" Ian asked, his voice just above a whisper. Whatever willpower he was using to hold back acting on his desperate urge to kiss her was quickly slipping away and he thought he might die right there if she said no.
But of course she said, "Yes. Yes, please."
His hands held tighter to her waist and he pulled her in to him even closer. She put one hand on the side of his neck and the other on the back of his head. They both moved in slowly, stopping only millimeters apart. They could feel the other's breath on their lips and their noses were touching. Skylar's heart was pounding so hard she thought Ian could surely hear it.
They were nervous. They were nervous because neither of them had kissed someone they loved so much since the last time they kissed each other. They were nervous that they would no longer be like how the other remembered and this kiss would only break them apart again.
But finally, their lips met and all of their worries were long forgotten. From the first second, electricity shot through their bodies and the sparks never let up.
They were suddenly back on that beach in Jamaica where they kissed for the first time and confessed their love for each other. But the fireworks and excitement they felt right now was even more than what they felt then. Jamie had told them several times while they were first together that putting distance between them would make their hearts grow fonder. They always rolled their eyes at him, knowing he was only saying that as a father trying to separate his daughter from her boyfriend. But now they realized he had been right. After having an unthinkable distance between them for three years, coming together for the first time again felt so much more passionate than they could have ever imagined.
They moved in perfect sync. Every movement of their mouths and heads, every quick breath they took before crashing back together was in time with the other. It felt so natural for them, almost like they had never stopped.
Skylar could feel the tears still going down her face as she kissed him, but she didn't know that his own joyful tears were mixing with hers.
After several minutes and their lips getting sore enough to where they couldn't ignore it, they pulled their mouths apart. But they didn't move another inch. They pressed their foreheads together, keeping their eyes closed and panting to catch their breath. Skylar locked her arms around Ian's neck, and he clasped his hands on her lower back.
They stayed like that for many more minutes, stealing small kisses during the time. Neither wanted to move. They wanted to live in this one moment for the rest of their lives, where it was only the two of them existing in the world.
But Skylar knew there was something she needed to do, and it couldn't wait any longer.
She moved back just enough to see his face and she put her hands on his cheeks. They just looked at each other for a minute, needing to take in that they really had the other half of their soul back.
"I need to tell you something," Skylar said to him.
"What is it?"
She licked her lips, feeling extremely nervous all of a sudden. "I guess I should say actually, show you something. I, um…there's someone you need to meet."
Ian had no clue whatsoever what she was talking about, and his face didn't hide that. But Skylar just smiled at him and laced their fingers together. Ian smiled back and lifted her hand in his to his lips and kissed it tenderly. He let her take him out of the stables and back into reality.
They walked back to the front of the Ridge where she knew Marsali was with the children. She felt every single person's eye on them as they went. The whispers may as well have been shouts. She knew she would be bombarded with questions. But that wasn't important right now.
The same anxiety she felt going to see Ian had returned, but now tenfold, and she needed to remind herself to breathe.
As they neared, Marsali looked up and saw Skylar with Ian, holding his hand. She smiled so wide and brightly that the kids noticed. Ollie looked off and saw his mom coming towards him.
"Mama!" he cried happily, running to her with a huge smile.
She dropped Ian's hand and met her son halfway, not noticing how had Ian stopped in his tracks.
"Hi, angel." She knelt down and took him in her arms. She felt Ian's stare burning into her head. She looked at Ollie and said, "Sweetheart, do you remember what I told you about your daddy? Where he is?"
"Yeah! Yeah! He's on the moon for his job."
"That's right." She brushed through his wild curls that the wind was blowing everywhere. "But guess what. His job is over, and he doesn't have to be on the moon anymore. So he came home."
"Daddy home?"
"Yes, my love. He came home. Do you want to meet him?" Ollie suddenly became very quiet and timid. He nodded, though slowly like he was unsure about what was going to happen. Skylar scooped him up and turned back to Ian. Ian's face was ghostly pale and his eyes were wide and watery.
Her heart racing, she brought the little boy to him. "This is your daddy, Ollie," she told him, while at the same time confirming the news to Ian. "Can you say hi?"
Never having seen someone that even resembled a Native American before, and being a stranger, Ollie was definitely a little afraid and wary. He clung around his mother's neck and buried his face in her shoulder so that his back was to Ian.
Skylar chuckled lightly. "Are you being shy today? You're never shy." She rubbed her child's back and looked at his father. His eyes were glued to the boy, still in a state of total and utter shock. "Can you say your name?" she tried again. "Can you tell your daddy your name? Your full name, like we've been practicing?" She felt him shake his head no. He was very nervous about meeting this person that, until just moments ago, he thought was millions of miles away. Skylar understood and wanted to help him. "Then, can I tell him your name?" Again, he shook his head. "He needs to know your name, bubba. That's how you make friends, remember? You tell them your name."
Still keeping his death grip around her neck, Ollie turned his head back out just so that his mouth was free, and mumbled, "Oliver Ian Murray."
Skylar knew Ian heard what the toddler had said. She saw him swallow, forcing himself not to break down. He was trying to keep his voice steady, but she could hear the tears fighting to be released. "It…it's verra nice te meet ye, Oliver." He smiled softly at the young boy. Ian's kind face and smile was contagious to everyone and made anyone who saw it feel at peace, including Ollie. He loosened his grip, just slightly, on Skylar and gave a tiny smile back that appeared and disappeared all too fast.
"Remember what I taught you to do when you meet someone?" Skylar continued to Ollie. His hold on her tightened up again right away and his face burrowed back into her. "It's okay, Ollie. You don't have to be scared. This is your daddy." No response. She glanced back at Ian. Tears were steadily streaming now, but his face wasn't pale from shock anymore. He seemed to be glowing as he kept his eyes on Ollie. Skylar wanted to get the boy past this first scary stage of them meeting. So she tried again.
"Do you want me to go first? I can go first. Look." She gently nudged Ollie's head with her shoulder so that he was looking out, be it with just one eye, and she held her hand out to Ian. "Remember, baby? When you meet someone new, you shake hands, and then you're friends." She looked at Ian, urging him to go along with it.
"Aye," he said. "Aye. That-that is verra true." He took Skylar's hand and shook it politely, like they had just met.
She looked back to their son. "See? Very easy. Do you wanna try?"
Barely moving the rest of his body, Ollie reached his hand out, inch by inch, to, who he was being told was, his father.
Ian laughed lightheartedly at the action but took the small hand in his own and shook it. When Ian let go, Ollie pulled his hand back in and held onto his mother again. Skylar figured that was enough for now.
"Very good, Ollie. I'm so proud of you. Do you want to go back to your cousins?" Ollie nodded against her shoulder. "Okay, go on, sweetheart." She set him down and he took off to where Marsali had moved the group to give the new family privacy.
Ian and Skylar didn't follow him. They stood in the same spot and watched from a distance as he played.
"He's mine?" Ian asked Skylar, needing to hear it again. His voice cracked as he did.
Skylar answered him softly. "He is. I found out about him three months after you, Dad and Claire went to find Roger. I was going to surprise you when you…" She faded off.
"Returned home," he finished for her, knowing that's what she was going to say. She looked down, and then brought her gaze back to where Ollie was.
Ian was quiet for a while, just watching the little boy be. He was a father, he had a child. After everything that had happened with the death of his daughter and all that followed it, he never thought it would be possible. But here was this beautiful, healthy child that looked just like him that he had made with the love of his life. This was his son.
But, as euphoric as this discovery made him feel, he couldn't help drowning in gut-wrenching guilt for not having been there. He had forced Oliver to live the first two years of his life without a father, and Skylar to raise him on her own.
Never again, he told himself. Neither of them will ever be alone again. They are my life, my reason to keep breathing. I swear from this day on, fer as long as I should continue living, They are all that matters, and I will do everything I can te keep them safe and loved. Oliver Ian Murray, ye will never be without yer father again. I lay me life at yer feet.
"Ye gave him the name Murray," he questioned, though he said it as a statement.
"Of course. I kept the name as well. I hope you don't mind."
He turned his head to her. "I dinna mind at all. But why?"
"We were married, for a little while at least. I had planned on Murray being my last name for the rest of my life, and I always thought of you as my husband, even when you were gone. So, I kept it."
She turned her head to look at him, and the way he was looking at her gave her thousands of butterflies and made her feel warm all over, just like he always did.
She put a hand on the side of his face. She smiled at him with all the love she could put into it and said to him, "Welcome home, Youngin'."
First, in the book Ian is actually madly in love with his Mohawk wife Emily. Yes, I did change that because, ya know, this is still fanfiction and sometimes I gotta change some things to make my story work lol
Second…
HI OMG I'M SO SORRY I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO EXPRESS HOW SORRY I AM FOR THIS WEEK DELAY! IM SO SORRY AND Y'ALL ARE WONDERFUL FOR BEING SO PATIENT!
I leave for Scotland in three weeks, so I'm in mega crunchtime with getting ready. Which was the reason for the delay. However, that being said, I hate to do this after making y'all wait a week longer than you should have, plus doing it after this chapter, I am going on a hiatus from updating.
PLEASE DON'T KILL ME I'M SO SORRY!
But like I said, there's a million and one things I need to do before I leave and I am not going to have the time to write. And then I need to get into a routine and get settled in Scotland once I'm there and just figure out my way around.
THIS IS NOT GOING TO BE A SUPER LONG INSANE HIATUS I PROMISE YOU!
I'm aiming to start doing regular updates again at the beginning of October. Like with my hiatus in YotAS, I am not quitting this story! That is not what this is! There is so so so much more coming in Skylar's story that I cannot wait to share with y'all. I just ask that you continue to be patient and awesome and wonderful while I move to a new country and start school.
I love ye all verra verra verra verra VERRA much and I hope this chapter was worth the wait! Chapter 16 is on its way!
