CHAPTER 19

TW: recounting suicide attempt

SPOILER WARNING: More details of Ian's life in the Mohawk are discussed in this chapter! You've been warned!

After the whole Fergus walking in on Skylar and Ian in bed was brought to light at dinner and everyone was able to laugh about it, it was agreed that it would never be talked about again and they would just move on like it never happened.

Two days later, Skylar was joining Claire and Brianna to do some laundry at the river. Ian had told her that he was more than happy to do his own, but when Ollie came up to Ian himself instead of going through Skylar and asked if he could play with Rollo, she immediately took his laundry on herself so he could spend that time with Ollie.

The three women filled large tubs with water and set about on the chore. They were laughing and chatting with each other as they worked. Skylar was gushing about how she was so happy beyond words that Ollie had actually asked to spend time with Ian.

"Well, I mean, he asked to play with Rollo. But Rollo is really just an extension of Ian. And Ollie knew that he was going to be there, so…"

"That's huge, Sky," Bree commented. "He's come such a long way in a week."

"And the fact that he knows you're not there right now and is okay with that," Claire added.

Skylar picked up Ian's coat and checked the pockets to make sure he hadn't left anything in them that might get ruined by the water. "I know, I'm so proud of him. I'm just trying to think of other ways that I can leave them alone to-" She gasped.

"Are you alright, Skylar? What's wrong?" Claire asked, concerned.

There had been something in one of Ian's pockets, and when Skylar saw what it was, she dropped it and the coat immediately.

I'm wrong. I'm wrong, Skylar thought, staring at the object on the ground. That's not what it is.

"Sky, what is it?" Bree saw that she had gone very pale, and she knew something wasn't right.

She and Claire moved to where the youngest stood so they could get a look at what she saw. Both of their hearts sank when they did. It was a root of water hemlock.

"Oh no," Claire whispered. She took a handkerchief that was drying and used it to pick up the herb. She looked at Skylar and saw her eyes were still glued to it, the worst running through her head. "Skylar, this doesn't mean he…I'm sure there is a very logical explanation for why he had it. Maybe he had taken it to-"

"He doesn't know how to use it. I don't even know how. Only you do," she interrupted, her voice very quiet.

When Ian and Roger had gone out to survey the land from Tryon, she had been in the surgery with Claire when they noticed that almost all of the water hemlock roots were gone. They had thought that was very strange since Claire knew there had been several in the jar just the day before. The plant was extremely poisonous if it wasn't administered correctly by a doctor, and it would kill you. Everyone's minds right away went to that Roger had taken it because he had been so scarily depressed and that he might use it to take his life while far away from the Ridge. The idea that Ian could have taken it never entered anyone's thoughts.

Claire and Bree remembered Ian's first days on the Ridge. He was very quiet and solemn. He kept himself isolated and didn't want to engage with anyone. They could tell he was sad and something was deeply wrong, but no one ever pressed. They had thought it was something to do with Skylar not wanting to see him. They never in a million years could have imagined it was so dark.

Skylar reached her hand out to Claire. "Can I?" meaning the root.

Claire handed it to her, and Skylar continued to stare at it. Her heart was beating so fast and her head was spinning. She felt like she was going to faint. She put her necklace charm between her fingers for something to ground her since her mind was so clouded that she could hardly make a coherent thought, let alone lists of what she could see, hear and feel.

This isn't real. No. No, he can't have actually wanted to-

"Excuse me," she muttered, then walked away.

She needed to talk to Ian. She needed him to tell her she was crazy and that of course he would never even think of such a thing.

When she reached the front yard of the house, she saw Ian running around and playing with Ollie, Jemmy, Germain and Rollo. He looked so happy. She couldn't see how just over a week ago he might have tried to leave this world. Skylar was hoping and praying harder than she ever had that she was wrong.

She didn't want to pull him away from playing with his son, so she approached John Quincy Myers who was nearby and asked him if, when Ian stepped away, if he could tell him to meet her in her room. It was urgent.

"Of course, Mistress," he agreed. From the look on her face, he knew better than to ask any questions.

With her legs feeling like lead, she walked inside and up the stairs to her room.

She sat on the bed and just stared at the door, waiting for when he would to walk in. Her mind was still racing and she felt hazy over what she found. She needed to talk to him about it. Now.

She finally saw the door handle turn and she took a huge breath as he came in. Her heart clenched when she saw how massive of a smile he had on his face

"Ye should have seen Ollie with Rollo," he said to her when he came in and closed the door. "He loves him and Rollo loves Ollie just as much. And he let me play wi' Rollie wi' him, so hopefully soon that means he might-" He finally saw how serious Skylar looked, so much so that he thought she was about to cry, and his face dropped. "Are ye alright, Yank? What's wrong? Did somethin' happen?" She tried to keep her voice unwavering as she started, "When you had gone off with Roger, Claire and I noticed that almost all of the water hemlock roots were missing." Ian's body went ice cold and his heart was racing as she stared at him. She knew. "Water hemlock is extremely poisonous when not given out properly by a doctor. If you injest it wrong, it will kill you." She swallowed, feeling her emotions about to break through. She didn't move her eyes off of Ian as she spoke, and from the look on his face, he knew what was coming. That only made her feel worse because it made the possibility of any other explanation for it disappear even faster. She still went on. "We were worried that Roger had taken it because he was suffering so much and that he was going to try to…" She stopped. She couldn't actually say it. "But it wasn't Roger." Ian didn't respond. He stood frozen, waiting. "I found this in your jacket pocket." She picked up the handkerchief next to her and held it up, showing in it a single root that he hadn't realized he had left in there. Her voice got more panicky as she did all she could to keep the inevitable sobs at bay.

"Why was this in your pocket, Ian? Why did you take it? What did you want to do with it?"

She was trying so hard to keep her face from showing how scared she was, but looking at the man standing in front of her who she loved overwhelmingly and knowing he had wanted to hurt himself made her feel like she was slowly losing air and dying.

He didn't speak right away. He tried to think of any way to explain it that would make sense and not hurt her even more. But it was impossible.

"Skylar, I…I-I…I dinna have the words te explain."

"Try." She was not going to let him off.

He closed his eyes, not wanting to bring himself back to that painful day, but needing to to help make her understand what he had been going through. All he wanted was to forget about the past and move forward. He had thought that being with Skylar again he would be able to. But it kept coming back to haunt him and it always would until he told someone about it. And the most important person in his life felt like the right choice.

He couldn't look at her. "When I first came back, I was in so much pain. After Emily, and our daughter and…everythin' that followed…I was in such a dark place that I saw no way out. And then, when ye wouldna see me, the last shred of any hope for some happiness was gone. I thought I had lost ye ferever, and I kent that was fair fer hurtin' ye so horribly. I felt I had nothin' left. That I was alone and didna deserve any good te come my way. I had no future and so there was no reason te keep livin'." His voice was shaking as he recounted his lowest moment. And though he was trying to remain stoic, Skylar saw a tear fall down his cheek when he said, "I just wanted the pain te end."

That broke her, but she didn't let it show. She thought back to years before when he had told her about what Geillis had done to him in Jamaica, and how she had wanted to scream and cry over what he was saying. But she had to restrain herself then, and she had to do the same now. Only one of them could be hurting right now, and it had to be him.

He surprised her by continuing. "And Iseabaìl. My daughter, that's what I named her. But only fer me. I never told anyone that I did." He swallowed and sniffed then went on. "I couldna stop thinkin' that…that she was alone and scared. Fer she had been born but not baptized and left te wander the Earth, lost, fer eternity." He didn't try to hold anything back anymore. He let his tears and cries overtake him. Skylar wanted to run to him and hold him, but he needed to get this all out first. "I wanted te find her! I wanted te keep her safe! It's my fault she died! Mine! My fault she's alone! My wee Iseabaìl. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." His sobs were coming out in gasps and chokes now and he was bent over, unable to stand straight.

Skylar couldn't stand it anymore. With tears streaming down her own face, she went to him and locked her arms around him. She slowly lowered them to the floor so they were kneeling. He tangled his fingers in her hair and buried his face into the crook of her neck. He was getting tear, saliva and snot on her shoulder but she couldn't have cared less. She just held him tighter.

"It was not your fault, Ian," she whispered to him. "It was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done."

"How can it not be?" He pulled back from her. His face was red and so were his eyes. Where he had gotten dirt on his face from playing with Ollie and Rollo, you could see the path of his tears through them. "When I became a Mohawk, I stopped prayin' te my Christian God. I tried te call only te their gods. And put Christian God says that thou shalt have no other gods before me, and te defy that is mortal sin. The sinner must be punished fer his crimes."

She put her hands on his cheeks. "Ian, no. That is not-"

"And their gods, they kent I wasna truly a Mohawk and that I didna serve them alone. They must be angry too and saw I should be punished."

"That is not true, Ian. None of that had anything to do with why Iseabaìl died. It was a tragic, awful, horrible accident. You did nothing to cause it. If God is so vengeful against those who don't follow Him completely, why would he let Ollie live when you left?"

He sniffed. "It wasna only her we lost. There were two other bairns that died before they even finished growin' in Emily's belly."

"Omigod, Ian." She didn't know what to say. She didn't know the right words to use to comfort him. So she just kissed his cheeks several times and pulled her back against him with her arms around his neck. He gripped the back of her shirt in his fists and pressed his face into her hair.

There was more. "The Mohawk also began te think it was my fault we couldna bear a healthy child. It is their belief that in order to conceive, the spirits of the man and woman must fight and the man's must overtake hers. They believed my spirit te be too weak, and Emily came te think the same. She then went with the man she was te be matched with from the start. And one day, her grandmother came te me and led me out of the village. She bade me te leave. So I did."

"Oh, Ian," Skylar sighed. Hearing him tell her everything, she could now understand why he was in the state of mind he had been. It didn't erase the pain of finding out he had tried to kill himself, but she was so glad he told her.

"I was alone there, and when I came back here, I felt even more alone."

She pulled away from him so she could look him in the eyes. "Listen to me, Ian Murray. You are not alone and you will never be alone again. Words don't exist that can tell you how much I love you, and for the rest of my life, I am going to do more than everything I can to make sure you never forget that and never feel like that again. You will never be without me. I will be with you until the world blows up, got it? It's you, me and Ollie, now and forever. And you don't have to worry about Iseabaìl being alone either. Because I can promise you that my mom in heaven knows who she is and who she is to you, and is with her every day. She will not let your daughter be scared and lost, okay? I promise you." Both of them were still crying as they stared at each other, though not as heavily. "Please don't leave me, Youngin'. Please, I can't…If anything ever happened to you, I-"

"I told ye that I'm not goin' anywhere, and I meant it. I'm so sorry, Skylar."

"No. No. No," she repeated to him softly, over and over. "There is nothing for you to apologize for."

She put her forehead against his and they just breathed together until they were fully calm.

"May I kiss ye?" Ian asked her once they were.

"Of course."

They came together, and they went very gently, taking their time and really feeling the other's lips on theirs.

When they separated, Ian said to her, "You are mine, and I am yours. We shall never be wi'out each other again."

"Forever," she added, then leaned in to kiss him again to seal that promise.

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The next day, Ian was still feeling the ramifications of sharing his story, so Skylar didn't question it when he said he wanted to just be on his own for the morning.

After he had breakfast with her and Ollie, he went for a walk around the Ridge. He didn't have any particular destination in mind. He just wanted the chance to clear his mind and continue to recharge and calm. He found that difficult though as people kept staring at him as he walked. He would wave or say hello as he passed them and they would respond in kind, but it still felt incredibly awkward. Word had started to spread that he and Skylar used to be married and he was Ollie's father, but that a situation had occurred that caused him to live with the Mohawk for several years. But it was still all so new that the gossip couldn't possibly just stop over him. He understood that was just the way the Ridge worked, but that didn't mean he felt comfortable by it. So to escape the stares from strangers, he ended his aimless wandering and headed for the stables.

He figured the company of the horses would do him so good. They wouldn't offer any judgement.

He ended staying there for over a half hour. He felt so at peace and relaxed with the horses that he didn't notice anyone come in until he heard someone say behind him, "I apologize fer disturbin' ye, Mr. Murray." He turned around and saw who he recognized as Benjamin Allaway standing there. He had a few bales of hay and multiple buckets of likely horse feed by his feet, so he had probably come in to feed the animals. Ian didn't pick up on it, but the tone that Benjamin spoke in gave the strong impression he was not at all sorry.

"Yer no disturbin' me. It appears I'm in yer way."

"In more ways than one," Benjamin muttered under his breath as he picked up one of the things of hay. Ian didn't know if Benjamin meant for him to hear that or not, but he did.

Benjamin had been acting cold to Ian since the day they met. He thought that if he gave a peace offering, the older lad might share why he was acting like this.

So, he went to the other bale and picked it up, following Benjamin into one of the stables.

"Ye needna bother yerself, Mr. Murray," he said, not even looking at Ian.

"I dinna mind. And ye dinna need te call me Mr. Murray. That makes me feel as though I'm my father. Ye can call me Ian. Though that is also my father's name." Ian chuckled, but Benjamin did not react.

The two worked in an awkward silence, spreading the hay out in all of the stables and filling each trough with feed.

Ian could feel the tension radiating off of the other young man's body and it kept growing until Ian couldn't stay quiet anymore.

"Did I do somethin' te ye?" he asked when they were done.

"I dinna ken what ye mean."

"Ye clearly don't like me, and I want te know why."

Benjamin hesitated for a second, staring at the man in front of him with such intensity. "It's nothin' ye or I can control," was all he said and walked out.

Ian followed him. "What does that mean?" Ian trailed behind Benjamin for a few steps, but when the brown haired man didn't stop, Ian grabbed his arm and forced him to turn to face him. Benjamin wrenched his arm from its hold. "If yer goin' te hate me, I deserve te know why."

"Ye deserve te know, aye? Just another thing ye think ye deserve when ye really don't."

"What the hell are ye talkin' about?"

"Ye threw away the best thing that could have ever happened te ye, and then ye show up again out of the blue and think ye still have the right te her heart after ye shattered it."

The sudden anger that Benjamin spat those words out with made Ian's head spin. But when he was able to focus, he realized what he was talking about; or who.

"Skylar? Is she what this is about?" The glare Benjamin gave made the answer clear. "Jesus Christ. Yer in love with her."

"Aye, I am," he easily confessed. "And she could have loved me. I had her as mine fer almost a year, and it could have been ferver if not fer ye." He noticed the shock and confusion cross his opponent's face and saw he could strengthen his attack. "She didna tell ye? She came te me bed near every day and night."

"Yer lyin'," Ian accused through gritted teeth.

"It's the truth. I pounded me cock inte her as she was moanin' and sighin' beneath me. And from the sounds she made at her endin's, she plenty enjoyed me as well." It took everything in Ian not to punch him. But he held back as Benjamin continued, not able to stop as he finally let out what he had been holding in for months. "I wanted te marry her. I wanted te be husband te her and father te Ollie. I could've given them a life where they would want fer naught. My heart is fully hers, but her own…it still belongs te ye." He took a few steps in closer to Ian. Though Benjamin was a few inches taller, Ian didn't back down. "I worship the ground she walks on. And ye? Ye abandoned her and never looked back. How can ye look at her in the eye, knowin' how much pain ye caused her? How ye robbed yer son of his father. It's no wonder Ollie doesna want te be around ye. He doesna ken who ye are and he's scared'a ye. And what child wouldna be scared of a dangerous Indian forcing himself inte his life? Everyone on the Ridge knows a savage could never truly be his father, or a husband te a lady. And one day, Skylar will too, and she'll come right back te me te keep me bed warm."

Ian couldn't hold back anymore and punched him across his face.

Unbeknownst to what was happening outside, Skylar had joined Claire and Marsali in the surgery, helping cut cloth for bandages.

"I've added a couple more items to the list for the next trip into Wilmington," Claire announced. "Just some more bowls and jars and such. Skylar, are you still planning to go?"

"Absolutely. I was actually gonna ask if you might be able to watch Ollie for me while I'm gone that day?" she asked of Marsali.

"Aye, I'd love te. But, ye know, that might be a good opportunity te give Ian and Ollie some quality time."

"I've thought about that, but I just don't know if they're ready yet. Like, Ollie is definitely doing better with him, but for them to spend a whole day alone? Is that too much?"

"You won't know if it'll work util you try," Claire added. "Nothing like jumping directly in the deep end. It's how you learn to swim."

"I guess. It just seems a little scary to expect-"

"Mistress Fraser," Josiah interrupted, running in, "I've been sent te fetch ye. A fight has broken out at the stables and yer assistance may be needed."

"A fight? Between who?" Claire questioned.

The messenger suddenly got very nervous. "Um…well…" He glanced quickly at Skylar and then right back to Claire. But Skylar understood perfectly what he was saying.

"Oh, fuck," she said in response.

Claire understood as well. "Josiah, find my husband and have him meet us at the stables. We'll likely need his assistance as well."

"Aye, Mistress," he answered, then he ran off again.

"Skylar, Marsali, grab the fresh bandages and follow me."

The younger women nodded and gathered the supplies. Claire took her medical kit and they hurried out.

While they speed walked, Skylar exclaimed, "I'm going to kill him! Who could he possibly be fighting?" "I'll give ye one guess," Marsali said plainly.

"I have no idea what you mean," Skylar tried to play dumb, but she knew exactly who Marsali meant.

Every time Benjamin interacted with Ian, he gave icy coldness. He spoke only enough words to him as necessary and would then sharply turn from to leave. And if they had met this day, with Ian still in a very fragile state, it would not be too hard to push him over the edge.

When they neared the stables, they saw a large group of men just cheering and yelling fighting words of encouragement.

"None of them thought to break it up?! They're just egging them on!" Skylar cried in disgust.

When they reached the crowd, the three pushed their way to the front and, sure enough, they saw Ian and Benjamin at each other's throats. Skylar barely took a step towards them before Marsali stopped her.

"Skylar, don't. Ye'll only get hurt as well."

"Where the hell is Dad?"

As if on cue, Jamie, Fergus and John Quincy Myers came running through and pulled the fighters apart, Fergus with Benjamin and Myers with Ian. They were still trying to get at each other as the other men restrained them. Jamie stood in the middle to keep them apart.

"What is the meanin' of this?" he shouted. "Ye are grown men! Pull yerselves tegether!" He got up close to his nephew and sharply whispered to him, "Walk away, man. Now. Before, God forbid, yer son sees ye actin' like a fool."

Ian yelled as he freed himself from Myers' grasp. He and his uncle stared each other down for a moment, then Ian turned to go. When he did, he and Skylar locked eyes. It was only very brief, but she could see the anger and emotional pain he was in. The crowd parted for him as he walked through.

Skylar took some of the bandages and rubbing alcohol from Claire's kit and said to her and Marsali, "I'll take care of Ian in the surgery, you two handle Benjamin out here." She ran after him before either could respond. "Hey!" she called out to him when they were a good distance from everyone. He didn't stop or even acknowledge her. "I'm going to keep following you until you stop, so I suggest doing that sooner rather than later. I can go all day." He finally listened and did what she said. He froze in his spot, not looking back at her. She jogged to him and stood in front of him. His focus was directed at the ground and away from her, but she still was able to get a good look at his face. He had a bloody nose and lip, a black eye, cuts on both cheeks and his forehead, and there were bruises that were already starting to form. She took his hand and saw his knuckles were split open. "Come with me, we'll get you cleaned up." He didn't say anything, but he let her lead him to the surgery.

She sat him down at the table and wet a rag to wipe the blood off of his face and fist. She used another to put the alcohol on it.

"This is going to sting," she warned him. She dabbed it on one of the larger cuts on his cheek, and he hissed in pain and pulled away. She sat him straight again and held him in place as she worked on getting all the blood off his face.

"Christ, Ian. You're lucky Ollie wasn't outside to see that. What the hell were you thinking?"

"Why did ye no tell me ye were layin' wi' him?" he asked simply, his voice very low.

'Shit.'

"I don't know," was her very quiet answer.

"So it is true?"

"Yes. I should have told you right away."

"Why didn't ye?" he asked again.

"Because I was scared."

"Of what?"

"Of how you'd react."

"How I'd react?"

"Well, that you'd react like this, for one. And, you had just told me about all the sadness you went through and were feeling and I didn't want this to add onto that at all. I should have told you. I'm so sorry, Ian."

"He said it went on fer close te a year. Is that also true?"

"It is." His chair creaked as he squirmed a bit and his fist turned paper white on his knee. She put the cloth down on the table and put her hand over his. "You have to believe me though, Ian. It meant nothing to me."

He pulled his hand from her and stood up, crossing to the nearby bed. "How can ye say it meant nothin' when ye kept goin' back ye him fer so long?" He stood with his back to her, holding onto one of the bedposts.

She couldn't help but feel slightly annoyed at how upset he was over this. She knew it wouldn't be easy for him to hear, like it had been for her when he told her about Emily, and it should have only come from her, but she didn't think he would be mad at her about it. "I am human, Ian. I had needs, as did you, don't forget."

He turned back to face her. "I was married. And whenever I was with her, I only thought of ye. I didna jump inte bed wi' the first person who asked."

"Jump into…From that day you left with Dad and Claire to find Roger, I was completely chaste for almost two years. I hardly looked at any other men. I didn't want to be with anyone else that way! After a long time, I had to convince myself to keep living my life, and sex was a part of that. And Benjamin was just there. That's all it was."

"He's in love with you," he stated, not asking.

She crossed her arms. "Yes, he is. But I am not in love with him. I never have been and I never will be. Is that why you started fighting him? Because he told you all of this?"

He rubbed his knuckles, like the memory of it caused them to hurt again. "He told me how he wanted te marry ye and be Ollie's father, and that I didna deserve either'a ye after I abandoned ye."

She clenched her teeth behind her closed mouth and ran a hand over her hair. "What the fuck is the matter with him? He's wrong. You know that, right? He's just jealous."

"He's not, though. Not completely. I did abandon ye and I will feel guilty about it fer the rest of my life. I left ye and Ollie alone, and there's no one else te blame fer that but me."

"You didn't abandon us. You did what you did to save our family. And you're here now, that's all that matters." She walked to him and put her hands on his shoulders. She felt some of the tension in them ease at her touch. "I love only you, Ian. I want only you for the rest of my life, okay? Yes, I did try to have some semblance of a relationship with Benjamin, but I realized very quickly that it was impossible. Like you with Emily, when I was with him, I only thought of you."

"Ye did?"

"Yes. That's why I kept going back to him for as long as I did. In those times, I could almost forget you weren't here because I could see you and hear you and feel you. It was the slightest bit of relief I had from missing you so horribly." He let go of the bedpost he was still gripping onto and gently touched her elbow, dragging his hand down to hold hers. "You never should have learned about this from anyone but me. I am so so sorry, Ian. I didn't want to hurt you, and then I still hurt you. Can you forgive me?"

"There's nothin' te fergive," he told her, repeating what she had said when he told his story. "I'm the one who should be sorry, fer what I said about it. I just hate imaginin' ye with…it doesn't matter. I was wrong te speak te ye like that. We werena tegether when ye were with him. We both had lives durin' that time. We couldna just stop livin', however much we wanted te. We have only each other now, aye?"

"The way it should be."

Ian initiated the embrace by pulling her into him and she followed his lead. It was unspoken that everything about their past partners was put to rest and would not be brought up again.

When they pulled back, Skylar said, "And you are a wonderful father. Ollie is so lucky to have you in his life."

"He's still scared of me."

"We're working on that. It's gonna take some more time, but he will love you as much as you love him, I know it. Trust me. We'll find a way for the two of you to connect and it'll all fall into place. We're going to be a family, forever, the three of us. And nothing and no one will ever change that."

Wow, an update on a Sunday. A literal miracle lol

Are y'all getting excited for season 6? The trailers and clips they keep putting out are getting me so pumped! Droughtlander is almost over FINALLY!

I love ye all verra verra much and I will see ye back here soon for chapter 20!