Shouto Todoroki
Despite having stabilized his breathing, Todoroki felt as though his throat had closed up. Unable to regurgitate his thoughts to Bakugou, a familiar, feverish urge began to spread across his body. He swallowed thickly, but as the voices scraping at his skull proliferated, he began to recall a memory.
That's right… It felt so right to hold it, but it felt so wrong to take it. I'd always been told sharp things were dangerous. But that's why I wanted it. I cut my left palm, and then, I tried… I got desperate. But it wasn't a very sharp blade, and I couldn't do it in time. When Fuyumi hugged me, I felt worse. I knew I'd done something horribly wrong, but she still came to rescue me. She kept telling me it was okay, and that she was here for me, but that made the pain so much worse. I wanted to scream at her to leave me alone…and I did. I felt so bad, and she started crying. All I did was hurt her more.
And then, I overdosed. I couldn't take it. Endeavor yelling at me whenever he saw me… Fuyumi pitying me… My therapist essentially shaming me… So much guilt. So much shame. So much relapsing. And the pain of knowing I caused my own sister to attempt suicide a few years prior… I hadn't even told her I loved her. That I was grateful for her. For everything she'd done for me. I wallowed in my misery, trying to hide it from everyone. Hey, Bakugou…
Todoroki leaned forwards, secured his arms around Bakugou, and whispered, "Thank you, Bakugou…" He felt as though his body had begun to melt into the effervescent, milky warmth of Bakugou's arms. "You mean a lot to me. I guess I just don't know how to express that. I'm…so grateful for all you've done for me. All I've done is blindly reject it all, never thinking once to appreciate it. Even if my mind is right, and you're just using me, that doesn't mean I shouldn't be grateful for what you're doing in the present." He nodded slowly. "I just wish you wouldn't be so kind to me."
You reduced my defenses to ash, Todoroki thought to himself. My words might be half-truths, or at least half-hearted in earnestness, but my ways of thinking still haven't changed. Once you leave, I'll medicate. It made me feel numb in the past. I want that again. Now that you've scraped away what I naturally built to shield myself, I'll ameliorate the damage with an artificial barrier instead. Until I regain what you took from me…
After an uncomfortably long pause of silence, Bakugou sighed, "Well, y'know what? You don't get to tell me what to do. I'll treat you however I want." He ran his hand through Todoroki's hair. "Hey. Be honest with me: are you happy, Shouto?"
My chest hurts, and I don't know why. "I'm okay," he murmured. "And I know I didn't answer your question before. I guess that's not what I want. But I…want some time alone. I won't make another attempt. I can promise you that much. I just…can't even think right now. I want to sleep." A quiet sigh trickled from between his lips.
Am I happy? I don't know. I have good moments, but I don't feel anything from them. Am I sad? I don't know. I cry sometimes, but if I'm honest, I can't remember what being 'sad' feels like. Am I okay? I just…don't know. I feel fine, and especially when compared to before, but at what point do 'fine' and 'miserable' become one and the same, where you can't discern one from the other?
"Icyhot, have you eaten anything today?"
No. "Yeah."
"Tch. Fine. I'll give you some space, but I'm comin' back in a few hours, 'kay?" Bakugou released Todoroki, and with that, he stood up to his feet and succored Todoroki in doing so as well. "Oi. And I'm takin' this blade and the glass in the drawer. Won't stop you, I know, but it's something." He plucked the blade from the ground and promptly retrieved the glass shards from the drawer.
Enervated, Todoroki offered a lackadaisical nod. "All right." He watched Bakugou depart from his dorm before rummaging through the aggregation of various pills he stowed away in one of his bathroom cabinets.
I just want to feel numb again, Todoroki told himself. Bakugou, I know this isn't at all what you'd want me to do, and it's undoing all that you did to break me, but…it's either this, or I give in and hang myself. He twisted the cap off of a bottle of his pills, and with a sigh, he swallowed down what he presumed would be a bit too much for one dose. Sleepy. Is it for better or for worse that I've been struggling to stay awake more than I've been struggling to fall asleep?
Soon enough, Todoroki returned to his futon and sat down. I haven't done my laundry in a while. My dorm is messy. I didn't take a shower this morning. The bin's almost full. I haven't shaken my tatami mats in a while. I'm almost out of toothpaste. I'm behind on my homework. Maybe I'll deal with this tomorrow. Even if I know I won't, I'll still tell myself the same thing tomorrow as well. His eyelids sank together, and he found himself entering a reverie that dissolved into slumber.
Todoroki couldn't remember how long he'd been staring at the ceiling for after waking up, but he felt as though his mind was blank, his emotions had run dry, and his body simply hung in the air. He found himself drifting between reality and his dreams for another few hours before he realized that there was someone knocking at his door. Crippling emptiness enveloped his body, but as though he'd been a machine, he simply followed his own command to rise from his futon and answer the door.
Bakugou left a tray of fruit, vegetables, and rice crackers by my futon, Todoroki mused. Why is he here again? What time is it? How long did I spend doing nothing like the pathetic… These words just don't sting like they used to. I already know it all too well. I'm just wasting my energy by thinking more than I have to. He opened up the door, but his visitor was someone he hadn't anticipated the arrival of.
