It's been a long day, a long night, and a long early morning.
Josh can't even imagine that he began this day waking up in bed with Donna for the first time, that Leo was still alive. How could all of that happen in one single day, and yet, they're still waiting for the election results to be called?
It's going to be close, either way. He's known that all along but right now it's closer than he ever imagined it would be, and the stress and anxiety of the day is weighing on him. It's going to come down to one state. Damn Nevada. Donna's been trailing after him all day- keeping an eye on him- and he's not sure what that means, either. At first - this morning - she seemed to try and pull away. Of course he'd expected some awkwardness, despite the fact that last night had been mind-blowing, that they seemed to fit together perfectly. Even he hadn't been sure what to do when he woke up with her next to him, afraid to roll over and even touch her. So, he gave her some space, having the election to focus on to distract him from worrying about what it meant. But then she invited him for a walk (or something) and since then she's been keeping an eye on him, comforting him, and talking him down off ledges, just like old times. Her hesitation from this morning seems to have dissipated and they've fallen back into their old patterns, they've been more themselves than they have been since the day she quit, but he has no clue what it means.
When they finally call the election for Vinick, the room is silent. A few of the staffers groan, someone boos, Annabeth and Ronna are crying and hugging, and someone throws a soda can at the TV and curses. Josh just stares at the TV in disbelief – not that he really doesn't believe it, because he's seen it coming all day – trying to process that this really is over and they lost.
Finally, he feels a pair of hands on his shoulders and he grasps them, knowing immediately who they belong to – because, who else, and he turns to see Donna who looks at him in concern and sympathy as she immediately moves to wrap him in a hug.
He holds her tight, clinging to her as if she's the last lifeline he has left (and maybe she is). Across the room he sees the congressman (not to ever become president-elect, God, how good would that have sounded?) hugging his wife. Helen kisses him on the cheek, whispers something in his ear, puts a hand to his cheek in comfort as he hugs her. Matt catches Josh's eyes, gives him a solemn nod, mouths 'thank you' to him, and Josh nods back before closing his eyes momentarily and focusing on the presence of Donna.
The room clears out pretty fast; everyone is exhausted and now they're sad and they all just want to go to bed and escape this day. Josh hangs around while the congressman gives a quick concession speech, watching it on the TV before gazing at the board with memories of the campaign. He looks at the photo of Leo and studies it intently for a moment, unable to shake the feeling that he's let him down.
"Are you okay?"
It's Donna. Of course it's Donna, perched on the edge of the doorway, studying him.
And quite honestly, she's the only one he wants to see.
Josh laughs bitterly. "Okay?" his voice cracks a little. "I gave up everything for this."
Donna steps forward carefully, gently touching him on the shoulder. She's been trailing after him all day, keeping his eye on him, and this is no exception.
"Josh. You worked as hard as you could and you did everything you could. Elections are rough. Especially coming out of eight years of a democratic White House, it's really rare to keep control." She tells him this even though she knows he knows it already.
Josh sighs, rubbing his eyes as he feels them burn with exhaustion and grief. He knows that everything she's saying is true, but that doesn't make it sting any less. He'd had this nagging, cryptic feeling all day that this might be how it ends up and it's a blow now to have to face it.
Now one ever thought, a year ago, that Santos would be president. Everyone laughed at the idea, told him he was crazy to back this candidate, no one even thought he would make it to the convention. And he got him this far. They almost had it.
"The thing that hurts most is it was so fucking close," he admits. "I would've rather lost in a landslide to Vinick. It being so close is…" he trails off and groans.
"It sucks, I get it," Donna agrees, her eyes wide with worry.
"Leo died for this."
"No, he didn't," Donna cuts off his line of thinking immediately. "What happened to Leo was not because of the election or you." Josh just shrugs, so Donna continues. "Look, you're exhausted and sleep deprived and things will feel better in the morning."
Josh can't help but crack a smile at her. "Yeah, well. If I recall, you contributed to my lack of sleep, last night." He doesn't know what this thing with Donna is, but part of him feels like it's the only thing he's got going for him right now.
Donna blushes instantly and looks down at her feet, which amuses him. "Yeah, maybe," she admits with a small smirk of her own. "Let's go to bed," she tells him, reaching for his hand and his eyebrows quirk. "For sleep. I just thought maybe we could… but if you want some space then…"
"Okay," he agrees, not wanting to be without her right now. "Let's go to bed."
Donna had said maybe he'd feel better in the morning, but in the morning everything just feels heavier. Last night, the adrenaline had been pumping, he was still in shock over Leo's passing. Now all of the events from yesterday feel real and heavy. Leo's dead. Vinick is president-elect. They lost.
He slept with Donna, twice, and yet he has no idea what it means or what they are.
Josh wakes up to find Donna already awake and alert, staring at him.
"Good morning," she says simply.
"Is it, though?" he asks, and a flash of sympathy flits across her eyes at his words. "We should call Mallory," he adds, sitting up. Last night Leo's death seemed to have come in second to what was going on with the election and he feels like he needs to properly sort that out now.
"Yeah, sure," Donna agrees. "Maybe we can get some breakfast first," she decides, kicking the comforter off her and getting out of the bed to search for the room service menu. Josh notices she's in a tank top and sleep shorts and though this isn't the first time he's seen her in sleepwear, it's the first time since they've slept together and it feels strangely intimate, now. "What do you want?"
"I'm not hungry," he tells her instantly.
"You have to eat," she tells him as she peruses the menu. "At least a bagel or something. When's the last time you ate?"
Honestly, he can't remember. It was definitely when Leo was still alive. Probably long before that. He has a vague memory of shoving some pretzels in his mouth sometime last night, but that's about it.
"I'm not hungry," he maintains. "I'll take a shower while you order for yourself," he adds as he hops out of bed and goes to his suitcase to look for a fresh pair of clothes.
When he gets out of the shower, though, he notices the food is there and Donna hasn't eaten yet. There's two bagels and two plates of scrambled eggs and he realizes his head is pounding. He knows Donna will say it's because he needs to eat, and as if she's reading his mind she gestures to the plate and hands him a glass of water.
"Yeah, okay," he relents and they sit down to eat together. He supposes it's actually a good way to start this day: the day where he has to face everything that he doesn't want to acknowledge is real. "This is weird," he says.
"What is?" she asks, quirking an eyebrow, and he realizes that there really are an assortment of things he could choose from.
"This. It's over. There's nothing else to do. I mean, for the past year it's been nonstop and now there's just… nothing. If we would've…" he sighs, "won, we would've had the transition to jump into but now… nothing. Just like that."
Donna's not sure what to say to him, because it's true. The day does seem decidedly empty and there doesn't seem to be much in front of them.
"I know," she agrees.
"I have no idea what to do now."
This, she understands. She lets out a huff and agrees, "Tell me about it." She sighs as she picks at her food. "Maybe we just… rest, though, for a while. Grieve Leo. See what happens after that."
When they arrive back in DC, the city seems glum. Or maybe it's just because he feels glum. But he can swear that he feels a melancholy lingering in the air.
Leo's funeral is a few days after they return. Every major DC player that's in attendance looks at him pitifully, says they're sorry he lost the election. They try to make him feel better by telling him it was close, that they can't believe he got Santos that far, but it only adds salt to the wound. He feels like everyone calls it his election more so than the congressman's election and that makes him feel even more guilty that they lost because it was his to screw up.
He's still not sure where things stand with Donna; he tries to invite her back to his place after the funeral, but she declines, saying she's staying with CJ. He's fumbling this up, too, he knows. Ever since the early morning in Houston when he decided to roll away from her rather than touch her, he's been screwing this up. He doesn't know what to say to her, what to do.
Amy's there and she tries to set him up with a date, telling him Sarah Potrero will take his mind off things. Josh can't help but notice how Donna hangs around, how she hides a scowl under her wine glass. He knows her well enough to know she doesn't like this – but why? What the hell are they?"
"Sarah's a good match," Amy muses on. "She might have some leads on what you could do next. She's in the beltway."
Josh grumbles. "Who says I want to do something next?"
"You still got bills to pay don't you?" Amy teases with a raise of her eyebrows. "There's a lot of opportunities in DC."
"Who says I want to stay in DC?" Josh retorts and Amy shrugs.
"Well, you should still call her for a date," she says with a smile, drifting away. "Y'know, have a life or something, Lyman."
The entire reception is pitiful, everyone looking at Josh like he's a lost puppy. Not only did Leo, his known mentor, pass away suddenly, but he lost the election and he has nothing going for him. No one can resist bringing it up, either – no one can let him forget for just a few minutes about the lost election and focus solely on Leo.
He notices everyone's asking Donna if she knows what she's going to do next, and he listens with an ear to the conversation, curious. He realizes he should be an adult and should probably just ask her, but he's afraid of pushing her into the wrong direction, afraid of being accused of stunting her career, afraid of messing everything up even more.
He appreciates the Bartlets having some of the staffers up to the residence afterwards, but when he heads home, alone, that night he feels more alone than ever.
With Sam in California, Toby on the outs with the administration, the Santos staffers all scattered around the country, and being unsure where things stand with Donna, the only person he feels like he has to turn to is CJ. He stops by the White House in the following days and flops down into the chair in her office, hoping she'll have some advice for how to get his life on track without having to ask her for it.
"How you doin'?" CJ asks. Josh appreciates that she doesn't have that pitiful sympathetic look – rather, it's a casual question.
"Okay," Josh muses as he watches Gail swim about. "It was a hard blow at first, but I think I've come to accept it."
CJ nods. "It was a blow for us, too. For a moment there we started thinking about what it would be like to transition the White House off to another democratic administration, have you and your guys coming in taking over for us… would've been a dream."
"That's the thing about dreams," Josh sighs. "They don't always come true."
"You should write greeting cards," CJ jokes. "So, spill. What's next for you?" she asks even as she sorts through some papers on her desk. "Job offers have to be rolling in."
Josh shrugs. "I've gotten some, but… I'm not sure, right now. I just need to take a beat."
"Yeah," CJ nods, having felt the same way herself lately. She's not even done with her tenure as chief of staff, but the job offers are piling in. "I get that."
"A few guest lecturer opportunities. Consultant for a few talk news shows. A few senate and house campaigns looking for a campaign manager," he rolls his eyes at that, spitting the words out like they're vitriol.
"You don't want to manage another campaign?"
Josh laughs. "I think it'll take me a year to recover from this one. I don't know. I'm just considering a lot of options."
CJ nods, remembers a conversation she had with Donna a while back. "How about Donna?"
"Donna…" Josh begins, unsure, and trails off. "What do you mean? You should know better than I would. She's staying with you."
"Okay, you two are ridiculous. Is she one of the things you're taking into consideration?"
Josh shrugs and shifts his eyes downward, avoiding CJ's gaze. "I don't know."
"Yes, you do," CJ prompts.
He sighs and admits, "I think something's going on with me and Donna."
"I think so, too," CJ teases with a smug grin. "Why? What happened?"
"We…" his voice trails off, realizing he's in the White House and it almost feels forbidden to say such things here, "we slept together."
"You what?!" CJ exclaims, then regains her composure, glancing around to see if the secret service is going to react to her outburst. "Yeah, I'd say something is going on with Donna."
"I just… I don't know what it means. I didn't know what it meant before we lost the election, but I really don't know what it means now. I don't know if this is something I take into consideration when I figure out what to do next."
"It's Donna, you idiot. It means a lot. It's not some woman you just met that you're not sure you want to base your whole life around. It's Donna. If you want to be with her, finally, then yeah. Take this into consideration."
"What if that's not what she wants?"
CJ snorts in disbelief. "Do you really think that's a possibility?"
Josh looks puzzled, and CJ realizes that he's not as secure in Donna's feelings for him as she – and probably everyone in the Bartlet administration – is. "Huh?" he asks.
"Have you asked her?"
"No."
"You two are idiots," she confirms her belief.
Josh looks down at his hands. "Look, I just… she already thought I was trying to stunt her career once, I don't want her to think that again. I want her to make a choice on what to do next based on what she wants to do-"
"So if she decides to move across the country, that's it? You'll say goodbye and take a job here in DC?"
The idea makes Josh's stomach churn. "If she wants the job then… she has to go for it."
"You could go with her."
"I don't…"
"What do you want more? Donna, or one of these random job opportunities that you seem to be completely apathetic about?" Josh's lack of an answer is all CJ needs to know. "Talk to her."
"Yeah," he agrees. "Okay."
He doesn't talk to her.
To be fair, she doesn't talk to him either.
And really, what the hell should he say to her? Both of their entire futures are up in the air right now and trying to work some kind of relationship into it seems to be the wrong priority.
They don't work together now, they aren't on the same campaign anymore, and he doesn't know what this thing between them is. He'd invited her over after Leo's funeral and she'd rejected him. It's not like their paths cross daily and it's not like they're being grown, mature adults and discussing their relationship. He has no reason to call her, no guise of work, no excuse to reach out to her.
When their paths cross in the White House a few days later, he's surprised to see her.
"What are you doing here?" Josh asks, feeling a strange amount of delight in being able to see her.
"I came to meet Carol for lunch," Donna says, simply. To be honest the post-campaign trail Donna looks good. She looks relaxed and healthy and like she's actually sleeping and eating, which is more than he can say for himself.
"Came to see CJ," he says simply by way of explanation for his presence.
"Oh. Yeah." She's quiet for a moment before she looks down at her feet and says, "I got… a job offer," she tells him carefully.
His eyes light up and she feels her stomach sink. "That's great! Where?"
"Well," she begins, and Josh can already tell something is amiss. "The governor of Wisconsin has a deputy press secretary position available. Apparently the congressman has a connection."
"Wisconsin," Josh muses. He knows where this is going but it hasn't really hit him yet. "The job is in Wisconsin?"
"Yeah," Donna says softly, studying his face intently.
"You're going home to Wisconsin?" Donna notes how Josh's voice rises a little at the end of the sentence.
Donna shrugs. "I mean, it's an offer… I haven't accepted it yet." She shuffles her feet. "It just seems like maybe it's the smartest choice. It's a good job – it's kind of what I wanted, you know? A step up into local politics. And I have the experience as a spokesperson now. And it's not far from Madison so I'd have family nearby, it's a city I'm familiar with, I could do some good since I know Wisconsin. It would be easier than in a place I'm not familiar with."
"What about DC?" Josh asks suddenly. "You're familiar with DC?"
"No one in DC has offered me a job," she reminds him with a raise of an eyebrow. "DC is also turning very red come January 20th."
"Yeah," Josh says softly. He breaks into a grin and gives her a hug. "This is great!"
"It is?" she asks, as her eyebrows furrow.
"Yeah. You're going to be amazing," he reiterates, though he notes he really doesn't feel at all like it's great and he feels like a jerk for that. "Really, Donna. Good for you. You deserve this."
"So you think I should take it?" she asks carefully.
Josh doesn't miss a beat. "Absolutely."
She stares at him for a moment, as if challenging him. "Okay," she finally says.
"Okay."
She blinks. "Should we… talk about this?" she presses, and it's the first either of them has really come to almost communicating since everything started the night before Election Day.
He laughs, almost bitterly. "What can I say? I don't want to be accused of stunting your career again. Holding you back. You want the job, you take it."
She gapes at him, surprised. "This isn't… this isn't really the same thing?"
"How's it different?" Josh fires back. "Because we slept together a handful of times?"
"Well… yes," Donna states. "I don't know where we stand. If this is something more than just sleeping together a handful of times then yes, we should talk about it. I want to make a decision knowing all my options."
"So, what if it is something? You give up a job because of me and a few years from now you're accusing me of holding you back again."
"It's not the same," she insists, a hint of desperation in her voice. "And why the hell would I hang around DC? You said you don't want to stay in DC anyway."
He takes a deep breath, calming himself, realizing she'd taken his words to Amy to heart. "I'm sorry. I'm not mad," Donna huffs her disagreement. "I'm not. Take the job. Go to Wisconsin."
Donna nods. "Yeah. Okay." She steps forward and then thinks better of it and steps away. "I should go, then," she says as she turns on her heels, trying to escape the uncomfortable situation.
"… Bye!" she hears Josh call out belatedly as she heads down the hallway.
Josh knows he has to make a decision on what he wants to do next. Now that he realizes Donna is leaving DC, staying really doesn't have any allure anymore.
Charlie tries to convince him to take him on. CJ tries to convince him to stay, though he doesn't think that she really plans to stay, herself – but she's on her own journey of discovery.
Donna doesn't seem to have a care in the world about going to Wisconsin.
He sneaks over to Toby's place more easily now – who cares if anyone sees him, anymore. Toby says he should just be thankful jail isn't his next stop.
"You should come out to California," Sam muses on the phone several days later. "Put that law degree to good use. You'd love the weather out here. And the hours are amazing. You can have a life, and actually make a living wage."
Josh frowns. "California? Really? I don't know – I'm not all cowabunga surfer dude."
Sam rolls his eyes. "Neither are the majority of Californians. Well, what are you considering, then?"
Josh lets out a heavy sigh. "I don't know." He stares at the wall of his apartment as he thinks. "Do you remember when the White House crashed with all those high school kids there?"
"Down in the mess?" Sam recalls. "Yeah."
"I don't know, I was thinking about that."
Sam frowns. "Crashing the White House?"
"No," Josh says with a smirk. "Georgetown offered me a guest lecturing gig. I thought it might be kind of cool – you know, reach the kids before they're voters or staffers or politicians."
"It's like having a direct impact on democracy in a different way," Sam surmises. "I like it. Although it doesn't pay like the lawyer thing."
"I suppose not."
"Georgetown. So you're staying in DC?"
Josh tries to force himself to commit to it, to make it feel right. He really is interested in the job, but something is eating away at him and he is trying to deny what it is. "Yeah, I guess so."
"You know there are colleges in California, too."
"Surfer college?" Josh teases.
Sam ignores him. "I'm just saying, I'm sure any university would be willing to take on a guest lecturer who has run a presidential campaign or three and worked in the White House. You could really go anywhere. Doesn't have to be Georgetown."
"Anywhere," Josh repeats.
"Yeah," Sam says, confused. "Sure.'
"Wisconsin," Josh says suddenly, decidedly.
"Well, I suppose so. Yeah."
"Yeah," Josh says absentmindedly. Suddenly he realizes what's out of place and how stupid this is entire thing with Donna is. "I have to go."
He rushes out of his apartment without a coat, which he realizes is a massive error as he tries to hail a cab and feels his fingers freezing. He realizes he could still go back for it, but he doesn't want to waste time. He gives the cab driver the address to CJ's place. He's irritated when he arrives and the secret service has to go through their whole bit before CJ comes out.
"Is Donna here?"
CJ frowns and purses her lips. "Donna's mad at you."
"Yeah, I know. I mean, I didn't know – but I get it. I think. Is she here?"
CJ studies him carefully. "Why?" she asks again, holding a gaze with him, pushing him to say what he needs to say.
"You know why," Josh admits and CJ steps back inside and calls for Donna before disappearing into her bedroom to give them some space.
"You wanted to know your options," Josh says plainly.
"Josh?" she says, still trying to catch up. "What are you doing here?"
"I'm here to give you your options."
"Don't do this now," she sighs, bitterly, feeling the anger fume under the surface. "Not now after I already accepted the job."
"These are your options," he continues, ignoring her. "You go to Wisconsin on your own, or you go to Wisconsin with me."
She blinks at him, speechless. "What?"
"It's up to you, what you want. You took the job already – and, good for you. You deserve this job. I really did mean that, Donna. You do."
"Josh-"
"But you said you wanted to make the choice knowing what your options are. And I didn't give you a clear picture of what your options were with, y'know… us."
"No. You didn't," she agrees, crossing her arms defensively.
"You should take the job," he says. "That was the right decision. And now you have the choice: I stay here, or I come with you."
"Come… with me?" she gawks in disbelief. "Coming with me… that's a big commitment," she notes. "That's not just a vacation. That's uprooting your entire life in DC, your place in DC politics, to move to another state – to be with me."
"Yes," he agrees simply, as if it's been the obvious answer this entire time. "To be with you."
"There's nothing for you there."
"There is."
"You can't go to Wisconsin because of me!"
"Why the hell not?" he shoots back. "What's left in DC?"
"Because it has to be what you want-"
"Who says it isn't what I want?" Josh retorts, throwing his hands up in exasperation. "Why do you keep insisting that there's nothing for me in Wisconsin?"
"Because you work in politics, Josh!"
"I'm tired of politics!" he exclaims and Donna just stares at him. "I'm exhausted. I worked in the senate, I've worked on campaigns, I've worked in the White House, I ran a failed presidential campaign. I've done everything there is to do."
"If Santos had won, you know you would've been chief of staff," Donna shoots back. "You could stay here and keep working towards that."
"But he didn't win," Josh reminds her. "And I'm sure as hell not invited, or desire, to work in the Vinick White House. I don't know what I want in four years. I don't think I can go through this again, though. Maybe this was the pinnacle of my career. Maybe I need something different."
"In Wisconsin?" Donna challenges.
"If you're in Wisconsin, yes," he says instantly.
"This is…"
"Maybe what I want now is you," he adds. "Maybe I need to stop making work my life and focus on something else."
"Which is me?" Donna asks, unable to believe after so many years that these words are coming from Josh's mouth.
"Yes! Having a life! Being with someone, in a relationship that's not second to work. Being with the person I've wanted for eight years. The person I couldn't be with because of the damn job. Do you not want me to come?" he shoots back.
"What?" she gasps, incredulous. "Of course I do!" the words spill out so easily, now, revealing herself. "But I don't want you to follow me if it's not going to make you happy. It has to be what you want."
"I don't know what my next step is in my career but I know I want you," he says simply. "I'm in love with you."
Her eyes widen. "You… are?"
He gives a genuine, soft laugh at that, reaching for her hands and pulling her close to him. "After all this time, are you really surprised by that?"
She blushes and looks down at their hands. "No," she admits. "Not really, no." He grins and leans forward to kiss her, but she stops him. "I'm in love with you, too."
He grins again, bigger this time, and leans forward to kiss her, successfully this time, removing his hands from hers so that one can wrap around her waist and pull her close and the other can stroke her back as he kisses her.
"We have a lot of stuff to talk about," she tells him in a whisper.
"I know," Josh admits. "We will, I swear. We'll talk about all of it. Let's take a little vacation and just get away. We can talk. And not talk," he says with a glint in his eye. "And then we'll go to Wisconsin."
She bites her lip but even that can't stop her from grinning. "Okay, then. Let's go to Wisconsin," she says and as they pull away and he gives her the largest grin she's ever seen from him.
As she packs the final box into her car a few weeks later, she slams the trunk and feels a sudden sense of symbolism.
Nine years ago, she'd packed her car in Wisconsin to drive to New Hampshire looking for a fresh start. Now she's packing her car to go back to Wisconsin, after working in the White House and working on presidential campaigns, not nearly the same Donna she was before.
"You ready?"
And, she's taking Josh back with her.
The same man she'd left after only a few months so she could go back to her ex-boyfriend, the man who she couldn't get out of her head the whole time she was back home. The man she came back to that April.
She turns to grin at him and he surprises her by catching her lips in a kiss and she giggles.
"Yeah. I'm ready. You?"
He nods. "There's cheese, to be eaten."
Donna rolls her eyes. "Okay, I think you're going to be very disappointed when you get to Wisconsin."
"You're telling me there's no cheese?"
"We produce a lot of cheese," she reminds him. "It's not like we eat all the cheese we produce."
"We'll see," he teases as he kisses her again and wraps his hands around her waist, holding her close even after the kiss is done.
"You seem happy," she notes.
"I am happy," he tells her with a grin. "I've got you." She shakes her head and laughs as he kisses her again. "Sometimes dreams really do come true," he says, recalling his conversation with CJ.
She rolls her eyes playfully. "Okay, let's get going before you get too sappy."
She tries to pull away and head to her car, but he stops her and tugs her to him one more time, giving her another quick peck on the lips. "One for the road."
"Literally," she notes with a chuckle.
"Alright, let's go. Lead the way, Donnatella."
