This story is based on a Donald Duck comic entitled Donald Duck, Master Animal Trainer. Please enjoy!
All references property of their original owners.
It's a lovely day. In the back yard of the Arbuckle residence, Jon's little cousins Drusilla and Minerva are trying to entice Odie to jump through a hoop. "Jump, Odie!" Drusilla says, waving the large red plastic hoop up and down. "C'mon Odie, jump!" Minerva exclaims. The small yellow dog only sits still, tilting his head curiously.
"I mean no offense, girls," says Garfield, who's standing nearby. "But I wouldn't get my hopes up. It took Odie three years to learn how to breathe."
At this moment, Jon traipses by, reading a small grey book. "Hmm," he muses. "It says here that a large part of animal training comes from encouragement and understanding between human and animal." A wistful look then crosses his face. "Say...if animal training's that easy, anyone could do it." Out of the corner of his eye, Jon notices what Drusilla and Minerva are doing. "And I believe I see an opportunity right now!"
Jon then traipses up to the kids. "Excuse me, girls," he inquires. "But may I have a try, please? I believe I may have a system." Hopeful that someone might be able to convince Odie to listen, Drusilla happily replies, "Sure, Uncle Jon!" and hands him the hoop. Okay, Jon thinks. Here goes nothing. Clearing his throat a moment, he turns to the small yellow dog and says with a smile, "Okay, Odie, ready to jump through the hoop?"
Suddenly noticing a squirrel on a tree branch across from them, Odie barks excitedly and takes a large bounding leap through the hoop and up towards the branch. Jon gasps in amazement. "It worked! It really worked! I really do have a knack for animal training!"
"But, Cousin Jon," Drusilla replies. "There was a squirrel-" Minerva adds.
"That's fine, girls, I'll help train the squirrel later." Jon replies, barely listening. "Right now I need to share my great animal training talents with the world!" Upon this, he runs back into the house.
Drusilla, Minerva and Garfield exchange concerned looks. I hope this works out better than his rap polka lessons. Garfield thinks.
The next day, Jon is looking over the website he had created. "Perfect!" he exclaims excitedly. "Jon Arbuckle's World of Animal Training has gotten 1,000 hits!" At this moment, he hears a knock on the door. "Ooh, that must be my first customer!" Upon answering the door, Jon is greeted by a red haired woman in a farmer's outfit. "Howdy, Mr. Arbuckle." she says. "Ah hope ah ain't imposin', but if ah may ask, please, do y'all train all sorts'a critters here?" Jon smiles confidently. "Absolutely! The great Jon Arbuckle can train anything."
"Well, that's right neighborly of ya, Mr. Arbuckle." the farmer replies as she takes out a small jar filled with wriggling worms. From across the room, Odie, who's sitting with Garfield, cringes. "Yeeeauck!"
"Don't worry, pupper," Garfield says reassuringly. "It'll be fine as long as we don't have to share the same food dish with them." The small yellow dog nods in reply. "Mmm-hmm!"
"Ah bred these-here worms 'specially t'break up mah topsoil," the farmer elaborates. "But it's been three days and they won't move so much as a muscle." Jon replies, "Never fear, ma'am, after an hour I'll have them tunneling like gophers; I'll even give you my special group rate." The farmer lady smiles. "Gosh thanks, Mr. Arbuckle, this is much appreciated!"
The farmer then leaves; a few moments later, Jon hears another knock on the door. Upon answering, he's greeted by a man in an organ grinder's outfit. "Signore Arbuckle, so-a good to see you! Your services may be just-a what I need." He motions toward his right, where a small brown monkey, clad in a small red, gold trimmed hat and vest is sleeping, propped up against the organ. "Imma need this monkey to dance and-a collect money from the audience, but all he's-a ever do is sleep."
"Not to worry, sir," Jon replies. "After an hour with me, he'll be good enough to go on American Bandstand." The organ grinder smiles with delight. "Oh, grazie, grazie very much, Mr. Arbuckle! Please don't-a worry likewise, he should have-a no trouble understanding your directions because he's a very smart-a little fellow."
"If he's so smart, then why is he a monkey?" Garfield mumbles under his breath.
The organ grinder then leaves. "Ooh, business is booming," Jon says excitedly. "I'll be on my way to fame and fortune in no time." At this moment, Jon hears yet another knock on the door; upon answering it, he's greeted by a man in a ringmaster's uniform.
"Greetings, Mr. Arbuckle," the ringmaster says. "You look like you may be just the man to help save my circus." He motions to his left, where a small, concerned looking shiny black seal sits, holding a colorful beach ball. "Sally's having trouble learning how to balance a ball on her nose. Could you help, please?"
Looking more confident than ever, Jon replies, "Fear not, good sir, I'll make her the star of the circus in a heartbeat." A hopeful smile graces the ringmaster's lips. "Well say, if you're really that good, I may have another job for you." Jon replies. "Sure thing, sir, how may I be of help?"
"Well, you see," the ringmaster replies. "My camel Humphrey keeps drinking so much water that he gets too full to move and can't perform." From nearby, Odie snickers a bit behind one paw. "Bark bark bark bark bark bark."
"What do you mean he and I would get along well?" Garfield replies. The small yellow dog shrugs and smiles innocently, before letting out one more snicker. Garfield eyes him suspiciously. "Hmmmm..."
"Never fear, this will be no problem for a man of my talents," Jon replies. "Bring him here and I'll teach him some self control."(1) Happily, the ringmaster replies, "Oh, splendid, splendid! I'll reward you and your family with free passes to the circus for a job well done." Jon smiles with delight. "Oh, thank you, sir, Drusilla and Minerva will love them!"
Moments later, Jon gathers in the back yard with all of the animals, including Humphrey the camel. Noticing Odie merrily slurping up water out of a dish nearby, Humphrey plods over and tries to take a drink, only to be greeted by a disapproving growl from Odie.
"I sure hope Jon knows what he's doing," Garfield notes. "It's becoming a zoo out here!"
"Hmm," Jon muses, traipsing up to the jar of worms sitting on a table. "Perhaps it might be best to start small." He gently takes one worm out and places him on the ground, next to a flower. Okay, he thinks. Encouragement and understanding are the keys. Clearing his throat, Jon gently leans down to face the worm. "Okay worm," he says in a welcoming voice. "Ready to try some digging?" Almost immediately, the worm begins climbing up the flower. "No, no, no," Jon says urgently. "I said digging, digging, not climbing!" Unfortunately, the worm doesn't seem to understand.
"Take heart, Odie," Garfield says glibly. "There are some animals that ever you are smarter than."
Mmn, Jon thinks. We seem to have a failure to communicate. Come to think of it, do worms even have ears? Noticing Sally picking up her beach ball from nearby, Jon sees another opportunity. Well, I'll come back to them later. Sally looks ready and willing! The seal then gently hands Jon the ball. "Okay, Sally, ready to practice?' Jon inquires. Sally nods her shiny black head obligingly, to which Jon gives an encouraging smile. "Let's practice juggling it on your nose for exactly one minute."
Jon holds the ball in the air. "Ready?" Sally nods and barks. "Okay, catch!" Jon replies as he gently tosses it to her. The seal then jumps up and bounces the ball off of her head. "No, no, catch, catch, not bounce!" Jon exclaims urgently, but it was too late, the ball had already crashed through a window. SMAAAAASH!
"Urf." Odie says worriedly from nearby. "You're right, pupper," Garfield replies. "If Jon can't get his act together, we'll be out of house and home...literally!"
Hmm, Jon thinks. We seem to have another failure to communicate. Perhaps I should show them what to do. Almost as if on cue, the monkey opens one eye from nearby and looks up at him. Beginning to feel inspired again, Jon traipses up to him and says, "Okay, monkey, let's practice a few dance moves together." Jon then begins energetically dancing. "Lead with your left, lead with your right, kick up your heels and dance all night, yeah!" he cheerfully sings. Almost as if on cue, several people passing by stop and snap pictures with their phones; Jon's face turns bright red. "Oh. Hi." he says with an embarrassed smile, as Garfield and Odie snicker from nearby.
Not willing to let this be a setback, Jon waits until the crowd leaves and begins dancing again. "Doesn't this look like fun?" he says as he turns to face the monkey, who looks very uninterested. "Wouldn't you like to give it a try? Now, all you have to do is..." He suddenly notices the monkey drifting back of to sleep and groans. "Oh, nothing works!" Jon pauses to think for a moment. "Perhaps we'll need a bit more encouragement, but what?" He then is hit with an idea. "Music, that's it!"
Jon runs into the house for a moment and comes back with a portable radio; he places in on the table where the jar of worms sits and switches it on to a station that plays loud, off key music. "Isn't this fun, monkey?" he yells over the music as he begins to dance again. "Wouldn't you like to join in?" The monkey screeches in anger, leaps up on Jon's shoulders, and begins beating him on the head. "WHOA, WHOA, CALM DOWN, MONKEY, CALM DOWN!" Jon screams as he runs wildly around the yard, trips on a rock and goes flying headlong into his inflatable swimming pool nearby with a resounding KERSPLASSSHHHH!
"Oh, swell," Jon despairs as he sees Humphrey traipsing up to the pool. "If I can't get Humphrey to listen, I'm sunk!" Noticing Humphrey taking a big mouthful of water, Jon says, "No, no, Humphrey, this is a swimming pool, not a water dish." Indignant, the camel spits the water right in Jon's face.
Jon sighs as he slowly slumps back against the pool's edge. "What a predicament, I may be a master animal trainer, but I can't seem to convince these animals of that. Maybe I should see what else the book says." Nothing daunted, he runs back into the house to get the animal trainer's guide. "Let's see what advice the book gives," he muses. "Ah! 'During difficult times, the trainer should use any means of encouragement necessary.'" A wistful look then crosses his face. "And I think I may know just the means!"
Hurrying off to the kitchen, Jon grabs a canister of salt and the coffee maker. If coffee gets me and Garfield up in the morning, he thinks. Then it will surely work on the monkey! He then runs to his bedroom closet, where he grabs a gumball machine that was given to him as a gift on his last birthday, then runs to the tool shed where he grabs a bottle of skunk oil. I knew this skunk oil would come in handy someday. he thinks excitedly as he quickly gathers the items into an old shopping bag.(2)
Through the window nearby, Jon suddenly sees the farmer lady traipsing toward the house. "Oh boy," he mutters. "And not a moment too soon!" He quickly runs outside with the bag in hand as she comes to greet him. "Well, master trainer," the farmer says hopefully. "Are mah li'l darlin's diggin' yet?"
"They're not just digging," Jon replies. "They're excavating like bulldozers! Want to see?" The farmer replies, "Sure!" upon which Jon leads her to the yard. Hm-hmmm, Jon thinks excitedly as he carefully picks one worm out of the jar, dripping a few drops of skunk oil on the ground as he goes. I'd like to see the worm that wouldn't start digging after one smell of this skunk oil! He then places the worm down near the spot. "You'll notice how she waits for my command. Okay, worm...GO!" As the worm catches a scent of the rancid odor, she immediately burrows underground and begins digging furiously.
"She's diggin'! She's diggin'!" the farmer exclaims happily, jumping for joy. "Mah farm's saved!" Jon smiles. "Why that's wonderful, ma'am! They'll probably dig all the way around the world at this rate."
The farmer then pays Jon and leaves. "Twenty dollars, not bad for a few drops of skunk oil," Jon muses as his eyes fall on the coffee maker, beginning to perk on the table nearby. "Ah, perfect!" At this very moment, Jon sees the organ grinder approaching, upon which he quickly pours a cup of coffee and carefully hides it behind his back. "Sir, you're just in time!" Jon says cheerily. "Your monkey would like to show you a routine he and I have worked on together." A perplexed look crosses the organ grinder's face. "But he's-a still asleep."
Carefully turning his back and whipping the cup just out of sight, Jon crouches on all fours. "Don't worry, sir, he'll be up and active in a moment." Slowly opening one eye, the monkey sees the cup of coffee, seizes it and rapidly drinks it up; almost immediately, he begins dancing, hopping, spinning and kicking up his heels wildly. "He's-a dancing, he's-a dancing!" the organ grinder exclaims happily. "You're a genius, Signore Arbuckle!" Jon smiles and chuckles, "Well, I wouldn't say genius exactly, probably more like, oh, I don't know, masterful expert?"
After the organ grinder has paid Jon and left, Jon then fills a bucket with water with the garden hose and pours a goodly amount of salt in it; he then takes a gumball from the machine, chews it, then sticks it on top of the beach ball. Just then, he sees the ringmaster coming up the front walk and hurries up to meet him. "Sir, so good to see you!" Jon happily greets him. "I have wonderful news, I've finally gotten Humphrey to stop drinking so much." A look of surprise crosses the ringmaster's face. "Really?" Jon replies, "Sure, in fact, I'll show you."
Upon leading the ringmaster out back, Jon places the bucket of water in front of Humphrey; after one taste of the water, the camel cringes and spits it out in disgust. The ringmaster gasps in delight, "It's a miracle!" Jon smiles. "If you want to see another miracle, watch what I've taught Sally." He picks up the ball, traipses up to the seal, and gently places it gum side down on her nose; surprised, Sally begins bouncing the ball up and down. "Mercy!" the ringmaster exclaims. "You even taught her to juggle!" A proud look crosses Jon's face. "All in a day's work for an renowned expert such as myself."
After the ringmaster has paid and left, a nervous Jon goes up to his bedroom with the bag of items in hand. "Okay, keep it together, Jon, keep it together, hopefully no one will find out the tru-" He's barely gotten the words out when he hears a knock on the door; gulping audibly, Jon traipses downstairs to answer it and is met with the farmer, holding the jar of worms in her hand. "Mr. Arbuckle, after that first time, ah couldn't get mah worms to dig again. What happened?"
Trying his hardest to keep composure and remembering that he still had the bag of items with him, Jon gently takes the jar of worms from her. "Ahhh, not to worry, not to worry, they just need a little more motivation, see?" With his back turned, he carefully tips a large amount of worms out on the ground, followed by a goodly amount of skunk oil, then steps away. "Say sumthin's odd here," the farmer lady says suspiciously. "They ain't comin' back up again!" Jon stammers, "Ah, b-but ma'am, isn't that what you wanted?" Just then, the bottle falls out of the bag; curiously, the farmer picks it up. "Hey, what's this funny smellin' concoction?" Jon was now truly at a loss for words, "I...uhm...that is..."
He's barely had time to collect his thoughts when the ringmaster approaches him. "Mr. Arbuckle, Humphrey's now drinking more water than ever and Sally can't get the ball off of her nose. What happened?" Jon gulps. "Uhm..." As he leans sideways, the salt canister and two gumballs fall out of the bag. The ringmaster gasps. "Salt? Gumballs? Mr. Arbuckle, what is the meaning of this?!"
"Well, you see sir," Jon replies. "There's a very simple explanation to thi-" He can barely finish before the organ grinder comes to meet him. "Signore Arbuckle, my monkey cant-a stop dancing! Whats-a happened?" Before Jon can reply, a few stray coffee grounds fall out of the bag. "Coffee grounds? Mr. Arbuckle, what happened-a here?" Jon gulps audibly and begins to sweat profusely as all three customers begin looking daggers at him.
Meanwhile, back in the house, Garfield and Odie are having a snack together. "Hmm, " Garfield muses. "I wonder how everything went with Jon's animal training." From the window nearby, they suddenly see Jon running away from the angry customers.
Garfield sighs and shakes his head. "I wonder a lot of things."
THE END.
Voice cast
Garfield/Ringmaster/Monkey-Frank Welker
Odie/Humphrey-Gregg Berger
Jon Arbuckle-Wally Wingert
Drusilla and Minerva-Laura Summer
Farmer/Sally-Audrey Wasilewski
Organ grinder-Jason Marsden
(1) Out of fairness, if Jon couldn't teach Garfield self control, how much more successful could he be with the camel?
(2) Jon has always been well known for being crazy prepared.
