I wrote the first letter myself, but the rest are all directly from the B&N edition which I found online (RIP no B&N in Canada).
Post-The Wicked King. Cardan's POV.
Jude
I assume by now you've seen through my plan. You had seen through it before you even left Elfhame.
I need you to be patient.
I sent you away to please the Undersea – even if seeing your panicked expression satisfied my desire for vengeance.
Although I'm sure you planned to come back immediately, I ask that you wait. I'll send a missive when everything is settled.
Cardan.
I put my pen down and heat the tip of the wax stick over a candle, letting it drip over the folded paper; leaving it free of the royal family's seal to avoid the interest of unintended recipients.
I wrote the letter in the seclusion of my room, taking care that no one would catch on to my plans or was able to steal away the letter before it reached Jude in the human lands. Letter now sealed, I took up my pen to write: Deliver to Jude Duarte, ward of Madoc. This is the only way to ensure the letter would make it to her. Jude herself may have faith in the Court of Shadows' abilities, but this was a mission that I wanted to execute in complete secrecy.
Although the Court of Shadows wasn't completely without their influence on my plan, their discovery of the tunnel that connected the High King's chambers to the rooms I had previously inhabited – my mother's chambers – was what allowed my plan to continue and my movements to go unnoticed.
I pry open the bookshelf revealing a pathway to the dark tunnel, following its straight path directly into the bedroom on the other side. This is one of few rooms in the palace that had windows; the rest dug from deep under the hill with no windows for natural light to shine through.
The windows were old; likely remnants from the first set of rooms carved out of the hill many years ago. Adding onto the evident age of the room were traces of ash and soot that still found itself tucked into corners and crevices even after servants had come through to clean the mess that resulted from the fire that I had set in the room.
I pulled on the window's lock until it unstuck and the stained glass window began to creak as I coaxed it open. I looked down to the greenery below where lectures had taken place, guards would stand during the waking hours, and revelers would wait to be let into the palace. Suddenly I was glad that I waited until after dawn when everyone would be asleep to carry out my plan.
In moments like these I was glad Jude had the Blood Crown placed atop my head and made me High King. It was only through the heightened connection with the land that I was able to keep the Undersea at bay and facilitates my control of wild creatures that live in the land; a key element to my plan which relies on a bird to deliver the letter.
I open my mouth to call on a small bird, but then close it as I look down to the letter I've written to Jude, who I sent away only a few short days ago. Clicking my tongue I crumple the letter in my fist, destroying any possibility that it could be sent in the manner I'd intended.
No, it was too soon for this.
Jude was smart, and although I was confident in her abilities, I also had to have faith that if she deciphered my riddle that she would have correctly hypothesized its purpose and that I would need time to follow through with it. Aside from all that, sending a message via bird to a random Fae to pass along was a recipe for disaster. Who's to say they wouldn't just open the letter and read it for themselves? If my luck was particularly awful they would be in favour with Orlagh and show the letter to her, ruining the scheme I was so proud of.
I let out a solemn breath and return through the tunnel to my chambers, standing in front of the hearth after I passed through the bookshelf and pushed it closed. I stare into the bright flames of the fire lit to warm the room. Without thinking any more about the letter, I toss it into the fire and watch the paper burst into flames while the wax seal melts down over the charred logs below.
Besides the possibility that my letter would fall into the wrong hands, I felt a sting of greed calling me to punish Jude for killing my brother. I wouldn't have minded as much had I specifically told her not to due to his status as the Undersea's ambassador. Perhaps she deserved this as a punishment if for nothing other than disobeyed a direct order from the High King of Elfhame – albeit her puppet king.
I fall back onto the couch in my chambers after another long meeting with Orlagh about a new treaty between the land and sea. The only thing to steal away my attention now aren't the problems in front of me, but rather what's missing: Jude.
I look over to the writing desk where scraps of paper lie beside my pen. It's been two weeks since I last considered sending a letter to jude. Although there was no reason I should, part of me hoped for some sort of correspondence from her. A letter that would announce her readiness to return upon confirmation things were solved with the Undersea.
Of course I hadn't received any such letter. Yet instead of agreeing with myself that there was hardly a reason for her to send a letter, she would simply expect my missive calling for her return. Still, I ignored those thoughts and instead found a deviant solace in chalking up her silence as revenge for sending her away against her will.
Though I will admit my wording of 'exile' was cruel, it was an obvious trick that only she and I would understand. She's clever enough to have caught on that she is also the crown and can pardon herself. The only missing detail is the length of time she had to remain in the human lands, which was where my letter would come into play.
It wasn't imperative to send Jude any letters until my treaty proposal to the Undersea was accepted and we had struck an agreement; however I felt continuously compelled to write them.
Sitting at the desk in my chambers, I stared pensively at the blank sheet of paper in front of me, my grip on the pen tightening as I recall the past few months and the emotions she's caused to brew within me. The conflicting emotions I'd felt while looking at her had begun to dissipate in favour of pleasurable ones, yet she still says she fears me.
She does only what benefits her and treats her mere existence as an act of rebellion. Rebellion against Madoc, the Folk, and me.
The pen breaks in my grip.
She is selfish, yet she has not selfishly found a way to return to my side before we are ready for her.
A month and a half ago – before her capture and imprisonment in the Undersea – I wouldn't have known whether I can't stand to be with her, or can't stand to be without her.
Originally I had expected to enjoy my solitary time without Jude along with my newfound ability to make decisions without her, yet all I feel is lonesome and abandoned. No longer do I have her to tease, nor do I have anyone to keep me interested during meetings while I wait for them to finish. I'm beginning to understand all the work Jude had been doing to have kept Elfhame running as well as keeping all of her schemes and promises under control. Not only that, but suddenly I find myself surrounded by old Fae men with the exception of the Bomb, Tatterfell, and servants being the only women I see outside of revels – which haven't been held lately.
I never expected Jude's presence to be a constant in my life, but now that she isn't here, it feels like part of me is missing.
Another week passes without a reply from Jude. I'm beginning to grow concerned that she isn't planning on returning to Elfhame at all. I attempt to distract myself from her absence, but everything leads back to Jude. While courting another Fae girl I can only hear Jude's whispers of judgement and jealousy. Training with the Roach only brings me to the rooms where she and I shared our first kiss. Even the gardens bare semblance to her when I see the flowers wilted in the absence of their queen, and as a response to my pessimistic disposition as of late.
These past few weeks have made it feel as though the meetings are endless and a conclusion will never be reached. Tomorrow the treaty between the land and sea will go into effect, my goal will finally be achieved, and Jude can return to Elfhame – should she choose to return home at all.
Finally the meetings with Orlagh and her representatives are complete. My impatience now demands I immediately send Jude a missive to return, but I manage to curb the desire for two weeks in case she has been in communication with someone like her sister to give her updates on the happenings within Faerie.
Within those two weeks my desire to send for her grows as the endless meetings with the Living Council continue and their pressure to find a new general becomes more urgent. I have no intention of seeking out a new general myself when I know Jude to be far more capable of doing so – and returning soon.
After another meeting with the Living Council and being strongly advised to find a new general immediately, I sit at my desk and find my pen and paper which have been stashed away to make room for the documents of affairs of state which have so rudely invaded my personal space and time. The words quickly flow from my pen as I write.
Jude
You are perhaps only being overcautious, but I am writing to inform you that all is settled between the undersea and Elfhame. The treaties are signed in sea-foam and blood.
Expectantly,
Cardan
Upon sealing and addressing the letter, I consider that my previous plan to send the message via bird may not be the ideal method of postage like I had initially thought. Instead, I think of my mother who shared a connection with Jude. No one would question if I were to contact my mother, yet she could easily slip between Elfhame and the human lands.
I call for my mother and she agrees to send the letters to Jude without a second thought. I tell her that Taryn will know where she lives, and then I infer the significance of the letter's safe arrival again.
As my mother leaves, I instruct a passing servant to bring me a goblet of wine and I grin knowing that tomorrow the bulk of my ruling efforts will end once Jude has come home.
It's been well over a month since I exiled Jude, and over a week since the treaty with the Undersea was agreed upon and signed. Locke hasn't organized a revel in some time, and I'm growing awfully bored.
The Living Council continues to lecture me on the importance of finding a new general, and have even begun to suggest that I seek out a new seneschal to replace Jude. The mere implication Jude will never return irritates me.
There are days where I contemplate going to the human lands to fetch her myself, but my duties have been keeping me annoyingly busy. Ruling alone is not something I wish to do, yet I know I can't force her to return.
I had expected her to come back upon receiving my missive, but it's apparent she has no intention of returning just yet. I can only assume it's because she's angry at me for exiling her without explaining my plan in the first place – which I could have, had I known in advance that she'd killed Balekin. Regardless of Jude's intentions, I can't help but to be selfish and beseech her return.
I sit down at my desk and write another missive for Lady Asha to bring to Jude.
Jude
Since I cannot imagine there is much in the human lands to interest you, I can only suppose your continued absence in Elfhame is due to me.
I urge you; Come be angry at a nearer distance.
Cardan
The letter is passed along and I decide to spend the rest of night practicing my thievery with the Roach and drinking until I can no longer remember why I was angry.
As a sort of distraction, I've had the palace staff organize a revel. Locke hasn't been around for some time, yet my desire to drown myself in wine and succumb to the allurement of some pretty faerie woman is ever present.
As I sit on the throne atop the dais, I realize that my plan is failing. Twice tonight I have followed someone into the garden to share kisses and touches, yet my mind refuses to let go of Jude.
I pushed away the faerie woman who kissed my neck so sensually. With thoughts of Jude flooding my head I was unable to enjoy myself and become drunk off not only the wine, but the atmosphere of the party and the pleasure of the night. Of course there would be no way to even temporarily forget about Jude. Jude who had somehow found herself sharing lectures at the palace with me. Jude who bargained for my obedience for one year and one day. Jude whose hostile attitude and desire to prove herself had ensnared my heart so long ago. Jude who was now my wife, yet out of reach in the human lands for no longer any reason other than to spite me.
I held my glass in the air to be replenished. Once the liquid filled the glass I quickly took a drink, downing half of it in one go. Even if my intention to enjoy the night with the company of another failed, I would still drink until I forgot.
I wordlessly held up my glass to the revellers in front of me who cheered when they saw my impish grin. This revel would continue for as long as it had to; Until I was unable to remember why it had to be held in the first place and I could finally enjoy myself.
I awoke on the floor of my bedchamber. A glass tipped on its side in front of me, the contents staining the floor, and my shirt half-unbuttoned and covered in grime. My head pounded with an intensity I hadn't felt in a long time, so much so that I wasn't sure I would be able to stand.
There's a knock at the door, likely a servant checking in on me.
"Yes?" I groan from my place on the floor.
A knight enters the room, one from my personal guard. He's visibly surprised by the scene he finds me in.
"I'm fine." I grumbled as I sit up from where I lay on the floor, holding my head to steady myself from the dizziness that makes me strive to stay upright. "What is it?"
"The Living Council has been demanding to see you for a few hours. They wouldn't stop until someone checked on your well being but I refused to let them enter."
I sighed and waved my hand to send him away. "Have Jude meet with them."
"She's-" The knight hesitates. "She's in exile, your majesty."
I reach for the nearby cup to throw in anger. It isn't aimed at the knight, but it startles him as the glass shatters against the wall across the room. Without asking what to tell the Living Council, the knight bows. "I'll tell the council you're occupied." He says and then leaves the room.
Rage fills me, remembering Jude has yet to return or even contact me at all despite my missives. I push through the dizziness and stumble to my desk. I fill the glass from the water pitcher that's been prepared for me and take drink as I attempt to gather my thoughts, then start writing my third letter to Jude.
Jude
You are in no mood for games. Very well. I am in no mood for them, either.
Let me write it outright. You are pardoned. I revoke your banishment. I rescind my words.
Come home.
Come home and shout at me. Come home and fight with me. Come home and break my heart, if you must.
Just come home.
Cardan
Perhaps Jude truly had found something interesting in the human lands. Perhaps she was simply doing this to aggravate me. The reason for her absence was completely unknown. She hadn't even given me the honour of sending a letter in return to explain.
As the days drag on, time feels stagnant as I wait. Part of me hopes she will walk through the doors of my chambers at any moment and complain about something someone has done, or her discomfort living in the human lands. I think about how when she comes back everything will feel so insignificant because she will have finally returned to me.
Meanwhile another part of me burns with animosity and yearns to forget her. To cater to the malignity I feel and neglect to pay her any mind should she return at all.
The contradictory emotions have been at war within me for the last few weeks, and yet I couldn't find myself leaning in either direction beyond the desire to continue writing to her.
It had only been days since my last message had been sent, yet I find myself sitting with my pen and a blank sheet of paper in front of me.
Jude
Not even responding to my missives is ridiculous and beneath you and I hate it.
Cardan
Before I could garner any rational thoughts I prepared the letter and had a servant bring it to Lady Asha.
There was a part of me that wanted to neglect my duties for the day and slip out of the palace to mount a ragwort steed and travel to the human lands to find her. I've never been there before, but I'm sure that if fueled by enough rage and desire, I could manage. The only reason I'm not currently planning to do this is out of respect for Jude's non-murderous choices.
I will not force her to return. Her continued absence and lack of a response to my letters is enough to tell me that her choice is to remain in the human lands. Jude is human, it's only natural that she wishes to live among other humans and away from the Folk, the magic, and the political disorder that we have been facing.
Yet it aggravates me to know that despite our time together and the relations we shared that she would make this choice. Was our time together another one of her tricks? A ploy to get on my good favour beyond our one year and one day agreement? Was it nothing more than lip service full of horrific lies to please me? If so, it worked. She'd hardly needed to trick me in the first place, but still I find myself even more entranced by her.
I leave my chambers to take a walk through the palace garden in an attempt to distract myself. In the last month the gardeners have been struggling to maintain the flowers and plants that grow here. I already know the reason, but regardless I'm told that there's a chance my mood is at fault and it's the land reacting to my mental state. They tell me to throw a revel, invite some pretty courtiers, have a good time. Little do they realize that I've tried that.
My plan to clear my head is failing. Constant reminders of Jude surround me at every turn. I want to curse her for doing this to me.
The Roach approaches me to ask if I would like to do some more thievery training, but I decline. I don't want to spend hours in Jude's spy den.
I return to my chambers and sit in the desk chair, leaning back as I think about what I'm about to do, and how I want to do it.
I lean forward and prepare the paper and tap my pen down on it, dotting the page with ink as I think. Then, I start to write.
To The High Queen of Elfhame
Above me is the same silvery moon that shines down on you. Looking at it makes me recall the glint of your blade pressed against my throat and other romantic moments.
I do not know what keeps you from returning to the High Court – whether it is vexation with me, or whether, having spent some time in the mortal world, you have come to believe that a life free of the Folk is better than ruling over them.
The end of the page draws to where ink blots the area where I continuously tap my pen.
I try to keep my letter polite. To portray my feelings of abandonment that plead for her to return, but I know she'll read it in the wrong tone; one full of hate and animosity, the same ones I once used to torment her during the court lectures. Still, I fetch another sheet of paper and continue writing.
In my most wretched hours, I believe you will never come back.
Why would you, save for your ambition? You have always known exactly what I am and seen all my failing, all my weaknesses and scars. I flattered myself at moments you had feelings for me other than contempt, but even were that true they would make but a thin gruel beside the feast of your other greater desires.
And yet my heart is buried with you in the strange soil of the mortal world, as it was drowned with you in the cold waters of the undersea.
It was yours before I could admit, and yours it shall ever remain.
Cardan
Ink dots littered the bottom of this page as well. Drops from an overfilled pen hanging above the page while I hesitated what to write. Dots from where I tapped the pen while deep in thought. Splattered ink when I pushed the nib hard onto the page as my frustration welled and I quelled my feelings so as not to make it any more obvious how desperate and upset I am at her absence.
Without trying to rewrite the letter to hide the anxious tapping of the pen, I folded the two papers together and sealed them with wax, then had the letter sent to Lady Asha who would make sure it got to Jude.
Feeling ever so slightly better than earlier, I laid down on the oversized bed in the adjoining bedroom and fell asleep to thoughts of Jude returning when I awoke.
Even after I awoke I lay still in my bed, staring at the ceiling above me, lost in the depressive mood that descended upon me the moment my eyes opened and my mind adjusted itself to reality.
Jude's absence continued to weigh on me and I felt continuously reminded of the previous years of being hated and looked down on despite my birth status all because of some superstitious divination based on external factors that should have no control over me. Years of being alone and hiding under tables while courtiers gossip about how I might find my end while they dine above me. Years of being berated by my brother and abused by servants at his command.
It wasn't until my bargain with Jude that things began to change in my favour. There would always be those who scorn me, and still I have risen above them all. All because of Jude. I didn't want this, but if Jude was by my side then perhaps it wouldn't be so bad.
It was with the expectation she would pardon herself that I sent Jude into exile. In short time she was meant to return to her place beside me, instead she has forsaken me just as countless others have before her. I may see her to be different, yet perhaps still the same as the rest in some sense.
Regardless of her status or opinion of me, thoughts of Jude plague my mine and I can't help but think of her in all of my waking moments. Somehow we have returned to the days of court lectures where she hates to look at me and I hate when she isn't there.
Moving to dress myself I stumble across the room and put on the first doublet my hand touches. She would be so shocked to see me like this; pathetic and careless. For a moment I wonder if it would be easier to travel back to the time before Jude and I made that bargain. To when I was happy to simply watch her from a distance and tease her during lessons. When I would return home to Hollow Hall and lose myself in drink, then be berated by my brother and pass out on top of my bed after being belted by a glamoured human servant at his command.
No, even if my heart didn't ache longing for Jude, I could no less bare the pain and humiliation that Balekin put me through.
My lifestyle hadn't changed drastically in recent months, meaning there were few compelling situations to relive. In fact, the revels and my drunkenness had only increased after my coronation. This left only one thing in particular which I wanted to recreate in all its forlorn splendor and hadn't already.
I sat at my desk, lust and anger combined in the most basic ways as I wrote the same word over and over and over.
JUDE JUDE JUDE JUDE JUDE JUDE JUDE JUDE JUDE JUDE JUDE JUDE JUDE
As I wrote I could feel the anger mix with frustration, and the lust with longing. As the new emotions joined the mix, I continued. I would write until the page was filled, or my anger and pressure on the pen broke the nib while I wrote.
Spots of ink dotted the page from carelessly overfilling the nib. Ink splattered across the page as the nib split from force briefly and all the ink was released at once.
The beginnings of tears pricked my eyes as the medley of emotions fought for control within me.
I continued to write.
JUDE JUDE JUDE JUDE JUDE JUDE JUDE JUDE JUDE JUDE JUDE JUDE JUDE JUDE JUDE JUDE JUDE JUDE JUDE JUDE JUDE JUDE JUDE JUDE JUDE JUDE
I was like a summoning ritual doomed to failure, a coping mechanism that would only make things worse. This is all I know: failure and making things worse. Perhaps if Jude came back I would vow to myself to tone down my childish ways and put more care into my role – not for myself, but for her.
Of course, it's likely futile. Jude isn't coming back.
JUDE JUDE JUDE JUDE JUDE JUDE JUDE JUDE JUDE JUDE JUDE JUDE JUDE
Please Jude
I ended the letter at the bottom of the page and dropped the pen to wipe the tears that clouded my vision.
This time I did not fold the letter, I did not seal it with wax, and I did not have it sent to Lady Asha who would forward it to Jude. Instead I stood at my bookshelf searching for the book my sister once gave me. The first connection I felt I ever had with Jude: Alice's Adventures in Wonderland.
I scanned the shelves for the book. It would have been one of the few things I sent for after moving my belongings from Hollow Hall into the palace, yet it was nowhere to be seen. Perhaps there was some sort of misunderstanding and it was placed on a different shelf within the palace.
I searched, and searched, and searched. Rooms that hadn't been used in years, parlors for visiting guests, the tower where court lectures were sometimes held, and now, in the palace library.
As I stood at the base of a library shelf, a servant with a stack of books approached me.
"Would you like help looking for something your majesty?"
I hummed, doubting they would recognize the book's title and know where it was, but I asked anyway.
"I'm sorry, I don't believe that book is in the library."
The servant apologized and set the stack of books on the nearby table. "Have you looked in the main parlor already? There's a large selection of books there as well."
I explained all the places I'd looked. Emphasizing that the book had to be in the palace and that it must be found.
"Perhaps the seneschal's chambers then. There are a few shelves in the study there that tend to circulate and the books mingle with the rest of the palace's collection."
Without saying a word I left for Jude's study. I bit my lip hoping I wouldn't find the book on her shelves. How devious could she have been to steal my book? I can only hope that if she does have it that she hasn't opened it to find what I'd hidden inside.
Upon entering her study I can easily spot the book on the shelves that surround her desk. As I open the book, a sheet of paper ripped from a journal falls out. It's covered in her name, similar to what I wrote today.
I remove the more recent addition from the pocket of my doublet and tuck it behind the years old copy and close the book again. Instead of returning it to the shelf, I take it with me and place it on the shelves within my chambers.
