hi! i liked the universe of my last piece, so i wrote a bit more. i apparently love making my favorite characters suffer. so here's the companion piece, a slight inside into Harvey's thoughts. three years of pining and missing? just my thing
Her last words still linger in the air.
"It's time to say goodbye and just be friends."
It comes back again and again, echoing all around. She faces him, a mischievous smile on her lips, and his feet drag him to her without even thinking about it. He's like a butterfly drawn in by a light, certain to get burned but he goes there anyway, walking towards her like he's drugged, with wobbly legs and an extended hand. Her smile is soft, inviting even, and she looks gorgeous in that long black dress, the last outfit he ever saw her wearing. He stops there before touching her, taking in her beautiful hazel eyes and gorgeous red hair, the freckles alongside her body, that he'd like to kiss one more time. He takes his time to look at her, stare at her, and hell, she's simply and stunningly perfect. He wishes he could just stay forever looking at her, but he knows what's next.
The wind suddenly appearing messes with her hair, tangling it slightly, and a strand hides part of her face. His hand twitches, his whole body aches with the need to put it back in place. He stubbornly resists the urge, but when she laughs softly he's dazzled and his resolve melts a little. It's like she's laughing at him, not in a mean way, though, just... laughing at how stubborn he is, like she used to do. Her smile widens a bit, inviting and teasing, even daring to touch her. But her words are still textured in the air, and he knows he's not allowed to touch her. Not now, not with these feelings in mind.
Her smile is like a drug though, and soon, he finds himself lifting his hand towards her face, almost against his will. Soon he'll be touching her. Only ten centimeters left... five... three... two... one...
She disappears with a gust of wind and the world collapses around him like a pile of rubble. The sky is falling, the ground is cracking, and his whole body wants to scream her name and run around to find her, but he can't find the strength. He used to do it, in the beginning, but he never, ever found her, so he knows it would be in vain. Instead, he just drops to his knees and lets the despair swallow him whole, drowns in it, knowing that soon the ground will open under him and it'll all be over...
He wakes up in his sweat-covered sheets, still panting.
The nightmare is an usual one. It's been coming back over and over for the past three years. Now, he knows every step of it, and he manages not to wake up screaming her name, which is a win. But still, every night, he's plagued by these dreams, where she always disappears, when she's so close but still so out of reach.
He sits on the bed and pushes the covers away. These nightmares are a way too good reenacting of the way she left him. The words she told him are a memory rather than a creation of his subconscious. He remembers the scene crystal clear. It was at Mike and Rachel's wedding, and she was wearing that gorgeous black dress. She was the maid of honor, he was the best man. He still remembers how stunningly beautiful she was, how it froze his mind because suddenly, he wasn't able to think about anything else. He also remembers how all the words he wanted to say stayed stuck in his throat, because the only thing on his mind was how she kissed him in her office two days ago, and how they argued about it just the day before. He wanted to talk with her again, to understand what the hell happened, or just even to talk with her, break the barriers slowly forming between them, but she cut him short.
"It's time to say goodbye and just be friends."
He still remembers her sad smile when she said that, and then how she blinked the tears about to fall and put on a mask of fake happiness. How she linked arms with him and patted his forearm, leading him down the altar and reminding him that today was about their best friends, not them.
He imitated her and put on a fake smile, but during the whole ceremony, he couldn't stop glancing at her. As soon as the ceremony was over, he wandered around, looking for her everywhere. He needed her to tell him how exactly he could say goodbye to all the feelings roaming free in his heart. How the hell they could be 'just' friends with the way he was looking at her, when he knew that he was in love with her, and when he knew that she was too, no matter how much she tried to deny it. But she was Donna. She knew. She knew he was looking for her, and she knew exactly how to avoid him.
He never saw her again. The next day, at the office, he searched desperately for her, until Louis told him that she resigned and left. It felt like a stab in the heart. She had vanished into thin air, leaving him alone here, with all this love in his heart, but nowhere to put it.
He had found his answer, apparently.
He thinks that she most likely is in Seattle, with Mike and Rachel. The foggy and rainy Seattle, miles away, worlds away. It's been three years, three fucking years, and he's still stuck in the exact same state he was when she left him. He found himself unable to move on, despite the fact that he hadn't heard a single word from her. He's sure Louis still hears from her on a regular basis, but he never asked. He thinks Mike hears from her everyday, but he never told him a thing, even the few times he came to visit.
That doesn't mean he's over her. Three years and she's a ghost in his life, still haunting his thoughts, his dreams, his what-ifs. She's nowhere to be seen, but she's still everywhere. He can't spend a single day without thinking about her.
He loved her. He still does, if he's really honest. She was his secret and never admitted love, that he spent years watching from afar, secretly pining over her, admiring her, falling for her over and over again, but he always had been too afraid to act on any of these feelings. Too scared to lose her to do anything, too afraid that she wouldn't be in his life anymore.
Until she kissed him, and then apologized. He had to breathe away all the secret feelings he had for years, which flew right back at the surface, because it wasn't the right moment to tell her. He couldn't do anything else but stare at her, dumbfounded, lost into the feelings whirling through his mind full speed, and he was at such a loss that he couldn't do anything but watch her leave. The next day, she backtracked even more by telling him she didn't feel anything, while he had been feeling everything all at once. He swallowed his feelings once more and let his anger do the talking, throwing in some petty argument about Paula when literally, he didn't give a shit about her at that moment. Then, time slipped through his fingers, and she disappeared. All in the span of three days.
He lost her anyway.
He was so shocked by everything happening, so frozen by her departure, that he actually forgot he had a girlfriend. He completely forgot that they were supposed to have a date the night Donna kissed him, and he didn't even bother sending her a single text, call, or even sign of life in the next two days. That led to a quick breakup, which did not scar him in the slightest. He was padding across the floor, trying to deal with the loss of Donna, and losing Paula in the middle of all this was... literally just a minor inconvenience.
The panic attacks came back full force. He found himself unable to breathe time and time again, when suddenly, a tiny detail reminded him of her too much. A laugh on the corner, a girl with red hair, the sound of heels in the corridor. He found himself countless nights in the bathroom of the firm, hiding, trying to find his breath, reminding himself that she was gone, forever, and she wasn't coming back. He had to live without her.
At some point, though, he slowly adapted to living without her. Without Mike and Rachel, too. He still had Louis, Alex, even Samantha, but still, the place felt so lonely, without them. He missed having his best friends around, and the one he especially missed was her. He never tried to deny it, she was his best friend, the one person in the world who knew all of him, and loved him as he was. Without her... there was a hole in his life. He was on top of the world, name partner – because he decided that managing partner wasn't meant for him – winning huge cases, living the life, and yet... the most important part of his life was missing.
He let his heart freeze, because it was less painful that way. He had no one to run to or celebrate with, whenever he had a huge win or a big loss. He had no one to just hang around late at night, no one to ever guess what he needed before he even knew it, no one to set him straight when it was needed. It was hurting him every day, and the only way out he found was to ignore these feelings, or every single feeling, for that matter. Coming back to the life he lived before her. The cocky, arrogant, emotionless lawyer. It seemed so simple, said like that, but it was far from it. He slipped often, in the beginning, his mind going back to her non-stop, wondering how she was, what was her life like now, a thousand thoughts burning his heart day after day. He finally managed to eradicate the thoughts of her, at some point, but his subconscious kept playing tricks on him. Dreams. Fantasies. A thousand what-ifs, that he couldn't even control, that he was just able to watch unravel before his eyes. No matter what he did, he was always back to her.
The only consequence that ignoring all his feelings brought upon him was that nothing was feeling like it should anymore. Life was blend, days were dull and similar, tasteless. He couldn't move on, couldn't keep going, a bitter taste stuck in his throat all the time. The victories weren't even worth celebrating. The drinking, flirting in bars, taking strangers home, mechanical and useless. He was going on by his day, all gray and melted into darkness, while the light at the end of the tunnel was nowhere to be found. He wondered multiple times what was the point of all this.
She said goodbye. He stayed right where she left him.
He swallows a thick film of saliva and finally stands in the unfamiliar room, wiping the remaining sweat from his nightmare. The news fell two days ago, a phone call from his brother. His mother died. Heart attack.
The funeral took place yesterday. It was long, and surprisingly painful. More than he expected. They had made up, thanks to Donna, years ago, and that was a good enough reason to be hurt. More to it, though, despite their slightly distant relationship, due to years of absence and geographic distance between them, having his mother back in his life brought him peace nonetheless. Finally resolving the issues of his past, leaving it all behind and moving on, was freeing. It was all thanks to her, thanks to his Donna. It felt like everything in his life was tied to her somehow. Right now, losing his mother, another important piece of his life, threw right in his face all the other things he lost. It brought him back to the loss of his father, and how she was here for him, through all of it. Surprisingly, it also reminded him of that moment, when he realized he had lost her.
What hurt the most, though, was the letter he found at his mother's, his name delicately written in her handwriting. The letter, saying all the words they were sometimes too emotionally congested to say. But especially the thing her mother had carefully folded on the envelope.
Her ring.
The letter just said that she wanted him to have the ring, so that he could give it to the one special girl that would make his frozen heart beat again. His thoughts immediately went towards her, so strongly that it triggered a panic attack, for the first time in more than a year. He had finally found some sort of a balance, being able to avoid the conscious thoughts about her, that the sudden fallback ripped open the old wounds, hidden deep into his heart. The ring got rid of everything he used to cover his hurt, the band-aids he quickly slapped on the cuts tearing his heart now gone, and he felt like bleeding out. Ignoring all his feelings never led the wounds to turn into scars, and they were still fresh as day one.
All the love he had for her was still here, but the anger, the resentment that he used to feel were... gone. The ones that always used to go with the thought of her, because despite all his love, he was pissed off that she left him without even telling him face to face. He was upset that she didn't confront the feelings lingering between them, because he was supposed to be the one carefully avoiding them, not her. She was supposed to help him see it all clearly, not leave him behind to deal with the mess on his own... or at least, that's what he thought. He was so... stupidly angry back then, blinded by his loss, that he never tried to reach out. And then, he just tried to move on, and he never tried to get back to her either. Today, though, he is just so tired of missing her.
Their memories are spinning around in his mind, clear as if it all was yesterday. All the light-sprinkled memories, all the laughs they shared, time and time again, the clinking drinks, her smile, always so dazzling. All the times she set him straight, protected him, supported him. The memories of the other time, too, still burned in the back of his mind, despite being a decade old memories. Her lips, her hands, her body twisting underneath him, her hair on his pillow, her smell...
Years later, he is still intoxicated by her. He's still wrapped around her finger, hypnotized. Still so in love he'd die for her, after all these years. Past the initial, sharp pain of not having her in his life, he finds out that thinking about her isn't hurting all that much. That the years and the despair washed out the bad and left only the good. That he wants her back, desperately. She is his one and only, he knows it. She's the only one coming to his mind, whenever he thinks about love. The only one for whom his feelings never faded, only getting stronger in time. She's the only one he could ever imagine giving the ring to. He needs her back in his life, right now, or at the very least, he needs to try, to do something. He's done with passively waiting.
He misses her, he still loves her, and he could never imagine moving on.
He asked Mike her address. He acted on a complete whim, and something in his tone made Mike comply and give it to him. He made the trip to Seattle that day, jumping on the first plane he could find and renting the first car coming, the ring buried deep in his pocket. He drove to her building, ignoring all speed limitations, until he was standing there, on her doorstep, with the sunset fading away on the Seattle skyline.
She wasn't here. He rang the doorbell a thousand times, but she never answered. He waited though. He's still waiting. He's leaning against the slightly cracked wall, animated by a hope he didn't know he could still feel, hoping she's out somewhere. Hoping she's still at work, or that she's out for drinks with Rachel, or literally anything.
A thought suddenly plagues his mind and he freezes. What if she has a boyfriend? What if she had moved on, forgotten him, is happy? What if... coming here was the wrong move, and would only lead to more pain on his end, without any possible end? The thought is seeping like venom through his veins, freezing him and dropping him into the lowest abyss ever. But he has to stay, he has to know. He waited for her for so long, he could wait forever on that freaking doorstep, if that could ever lead to her. He watches the sun going down, rain soaking through his clothes, gaze dropping down along with the hours passing, going from staring at the street to staring at the blend doorstep.
He felt like giving up a thousand times, he didn't though. He stayed, for better or for worse, like he would if she let him.
He's sure it's the middle of the night now, and she's still nowhere to be found. The despair slowly fills the space around him, and his body, his mind feel so heavy that he doesn't have the strength to do anything. He doesn't have any purpose in life now, except seeing her. He has to see her...
High-pitched sounds pierce his thoughts, and he lifts his eyes, a desperate hope strangling his heart almost painfully. Air completely leaves his lungs when he realizes it's her. Her copper-colored hair shines under the street lights, her legs pushing her towards him, her hazel eyes lit up by the same kind of hope he's feeling at the moment. One that is so powerful it's almost painful, the shaking perspective of a hundred what-ifs who could become reality. He almost can't believe she's right here, in front of him.
His eyes wanders through the features of his face, and he belatedly notices she looks tired. He dares to hope she was wallowing in the same despair he was, missing him just as much as he was, and at the same time, he hopes she never had to feel that low. He can almost see the despair she's leaving behind with every footstep, and she looks like the same ghost as he was, only half-alive, missing his better half.
Before he can even find his breath again, she's jumping over the porch and into his arms, one hand on each of his cheeks, and her lips crush into his. His body automatically reacts, wrapping her arms around her waist and pulling her as close as he physically can, a sight escaping his against her mouth. She's his oxygen, his breath, his reason to live. He's so... finally fulfilled, that she's here, right next to him, and that apparently, they're in perfect sync about what they've been feeling. Against his lips he feels like living again, emerging from a three-years long night. Giving in to the frightening emotion coursing through his veins, called hope, called love.
He cannot leave her lips, and neither can she, and they stay on that porch, letting the rain soak them even more, anything forgotten but the other. Holding her in his arms gives him a feeling comparing to no other, and he loves it more than anything. He wishes he never has to leave her side ever again, don't know if he ever could. What he does know, at least, is that he's infinitely relieved that they're finally on the same page.
It took years, decades even, what feels like an eternity, but they're finally where they were always meant to be: in each other's arms. He's found his compass again, showing him the way to go for the rest of his life, which is, obviously, by her side. He's found his anchor, the one that will never leave him, never make him feel alone. He's grounded, tied to her in so many ways, and he wouldn't have it any other way. It's even better than he imagined it, better than he remembered it, being surrounded by her, her smell and warmth and softness, and that is the one thing he was missing his whole life. He loves her. She loves him. It's all so simple, so easy, everything leading up to this point feels over-complicated and useless. It was that simple, right from the start, and they couldn't even see it.
She fits in his arms so naturally. She fits in his life so naturally. He doesn't know if he'll fit in hers, but he's willing to give it all up for that feeling. It's more than love, it's like...
He's finally home.
