Henry: Dammit, Joey, you ruined everything!
Joey: You're welcome.

Wally: *pulls back the curtain while Sammy is showering*
Wally: Hey did we - stop screaming it's me - did we run out of Cheerios?

Sammy: Where's Joey?
Wally: Don't worry, I'll find them.
Wally, shouting: Henry sucks!
Joey, distantly: Henry is the best person ever! Fuck you!
Wally: Found them.

Joey: I'm cold.
Henry: Here, take my hoodie.
*meanwhile*
Wally: I'm cold.
Sammy: I can't control the weather, Wally.

Sammy: I have a problem.
Joey: Kill it.
Sammy: Can you chill for like, two seconds?

Sammy: If you put 'violently' in front of anything to describe your action, it becomes funnier.
Sammy: Violently practices.
Joey: Violently studies.
Henry: Violently sleeps.
Wally: Violently shoots pictures.
Tom: Violently boxes.
Susie: Violently murders people.
Henry: Violently worries about the previous statement.

Joey: We both look very handsome tonight.
Henry: You know, if you'd just said that I looked handsome, I would have said, "So do you."
Joey: I couldn't take that chance.

Wally: Let's watch Sharkboy and Lavagirl.
Sammy: Okay.
Wally: And make out during the scary parts.
Sammy: Th-
Sammy: The scary parts.
Sammy: Of Sharkboy and Lavagirl.

Sammy: Pros and cons of dating me.
Sammy: Pros. You'll be the cute one.
Sammy: Cons. Holy shit, where do I begin-

Sammy: I'm proud to identify as morosexual. I'm attracted to dumbasses and dumbasses exclusively. Someone asked me what the Spanish word for "tortilla" was once, and now I dream of kissing them under the moonlight.
Wally: What kind of animal is the Pink Panther?
Sammy, already taking off their clothes: God, Wally, you're so fucking stupid.

Norman: Did it hurt when you fell-
Sammy: From heaven? Wow, I didn't think you were such a flirt-
Norman: No, I meant when you fell down the stairs.
Sammy: ...
Norman: You just laid there for 15 minutes.

Allison: Are you ready to commit?
Susie: Like, a crime or a relationship?

Allison: I think we should kiss.
Susie: And I think you should die but we don't always get what we want.

Susie: Well, remember when Allison made a romantic dinner for me?
Joey: Susie, they microwaved you a pizza.

Susie, Entering Henry's room: Grant did it again.
Henry: Peace disturbance?
Susie: What no-
Henry: Arson..?
Susie: NO, JESUS CHRIST, HOW MANY-
Henry: uh...Attempted murder?
Susie: NO, THEY ATE ALL THE FOOD IN THE FRIDGE, BUT WHAT THE FU-

Buddy: I'm going to be an adult in 4 years and I only have a vague idea of what I'm going to do.
Henry: I'm gonna be an adult in less than a year and I don't know what I'm doing with my life.
Norman: I'm with you there...
Sammy: I'm an adult and I don't know what I'm doing with my life.
Allison: Three types of people.

Henry: We can't tell you because you're not a member of the club.
Sammy: What club?
Allison: The hating Sammy club.
Sammy: …The fuck? I should be the leader of that club!

Norman: WHOEVER CAUSED THIS MESS IS GOING TO-
Sammy: It was me...
Norman: ...Is going to be forgiven because everyone deserves a second chance.

Henry: You have your weirdly sincere humility.
Susie: I prefer the term "self-loathing", actually.

Buddy: It's not ugly, just aesthetically challenged.

Sammy: *speaking Spanish*
Henry: I know, I know.
Norman: You speak Spanish?
Henry: No. I just know the phrase, 'this is all your fault' in every language Sammy speaks.

Norman: That was a joke. Say ha.
Buddy: Ha.
Norman: Now do it again.
Buddy: Ha.
Norman: Congratulations, you are officially the life of the party.

Norman: Coca Cola can remove rust from metal, imagine what it's doing to your body.
Buddy: Pfff, getting rid of the rust, idiot.
Norman: THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS!
Joey: Hmm... I've been drinking soda and my body's rust free... not sure where you're getting your facts from...

Susie: And then they ran into my knife. They ran into my knife ten times.
Henry: You mean you stabbed them?
Susie: They ran into my knife.

Shawn, pointing to the wall: What color is this?
Susie: Gray.
Sammy: Grey.
Shawn, turning to Joey: Now tell them what color you think it is.
Joey: Dark white.

Henry: And now for a gay update with Allison and Susie.
Shawn: Getting gayer.
Henry: Thank you, Shawn.

Joey: Hey Grant, listen, corporate makes us do this every year, but this is just a little manager evaluation form. You just fill it out, let them know how I'm doing, you know?
Grant: Alright! Uh, "Is your manager manipulative?"
Joey: I'd say "No" to that if I were you.

Allison: The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was changing their name to Joey.

Joey: Remember that time you dared me to lick a swingset?
Henry: No, I said "Joey, don't lick that swingset" and you said "Don't tell me what to do" and licked the swingset.

Allison: Okay, I'm going to get the wedding cake.
Susie: Perfect, while you do that I'll check on the ring bear.
Allison: ...
Allison: You mean ring bearER, right?
Susie: ...
Allison: Look me in the eyes and tell me you are not going to bring a dangerous wild animal to our wedding.